Considering I am technically working towards my master’s in statistics (long story, ask if you’re interested), I figure I can make jokes about them. So onward we go!

Mine
You know you’re a statistics major when:
…you receive an A on an exam and, instead of being happy about it, you worry about your next exam and the possibility of regressing towards the mean.
…you know a confidence interval has nothing to do with self-esteem.
…Santa says, “null hypothesis, null hypothesis, null hypothesis!” (this one’s rather esoteric…the notation of a null hypothesis is “Ho,” thus, “ho, ho, ho!”).

Stats major: You’re just so average!
Friend: That’s mean!
Stats major: Exactly!

There’s one good thing about standard deviates–they’re never mean.

I’m sure at least one person out randomly surfing blogs appreciates my nerdy humor. If not, I’ll just keep telling myself that.

Others I found:
Arguing with a statistician is a lot like wrestling with a pig. After a few hours, you begin to realize that the pig likes it.

My pain and confusion covary,
At levels both looming and scary.
To pass this exam
I’ll be needing some scam
Oh, statistics! I should have been wary. (This is the best limerick I’ve ever, ever heard.)

Top three reasons to become a statistician:

1. Estimating parameters is easier than dealing with real life.

2. No one knows what they do, so they’re always right.

3. The regression line looks better than the unemployment line
This has nothing to do really with statistics, but I thought it was funny anyway:

The secretary of defense gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying, “yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

“Oh no!” the president exclaimed. “That’s terrible!” His staff was rather stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sad, his head in his hands.

Finally, the president looked up and asked, “just how many is a brazillion?”

Neither does this one, but I’m fascinated by Mobius bands, so it’s legit.

A mathematician confided
That the Mobius band is one-sided
And you’ll get quite a laugh
If you cut one in half
‘Cause it stays in one piece when divided.

And this, for some strange reason, had me laughing for like fifteen minutes.

“Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bridge.”
“What’s come over you?”

“Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.”

Okay, I’ll stop now.

Found this on the internet this morning. Hilarious.

You Know Your Friend is a Psychology Major If…
…they identify themselves by their Myers-Briggs type.
…you and the rest of their friends are fair game if they have any experiments or surveys going on (and they always do).
…they use the word “kurtosis”—enough so that you think they have some sort of disease.
…they send you all their emails in APA format.
…their doodles on their homework consist of bell curves and letters of the Greek alphabet.
…they cite journal articles in their everyday conversations.
…they slip every once and awhile and call their friends their “subjects.”
…they reference the DSM-IV daily.
…they go on for hours on end on how your behavior at the party last night fits in perfectly with your current position in Erickson’s psychosocial stages of development and how your subsequent hangover after a few too many beers indicates the implications of subliminal psychological messages found in beer commercials while tying the whole thing in with a dream you described to them a week ago and all the while you have no idea what the hell they’re talking about.
…you know that they are the last person you should go to for advice about your mental health.

So true, man. So true.

Also, I bought this carrot juice at Safeway today that has 990% of one’s daily Vitamin A allotment per serving. I laughed.

Man, I’m so nervous about my psyche test tomorrow (on VALENTINE’S DAY of all days) that I’m trying not to over-study. Instead, I give you these lists that I found extremely hilarious:

 Annoying things to do at college
~if someone near you falls asleep in class, tie their shoelaces to the desk/chair.
~Type every word of a paper in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
~Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.
~Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.
~On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, “I have a paper! I have a paper!”. Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, “There’s my paper!”, then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.
~Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
~When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
~Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn’t. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
~Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is “less filling” or that it “tastes great”. Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosophers” reactions to Spuds McKenzie.
~Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.

Annoying things to do in a public bathroom stall
~Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
~Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 ft. Sigh relaxingly.
~Say, “Now how did that get there?”
~Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”

Ways to annoy people on elevators
~Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?”
~Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.
~Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
~Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements
~Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
~Have a seizure.
~Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
~If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, “Bad touch!”
~Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)
~Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
~Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”
~Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

General ways to annoy people
~Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. “I’m Bob, nice to meet you…” “PROVE IT!”)
~Ask people what gender they are.
~At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
~Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word “the.”
~Begin all your sentences with “Ooh la la!”
~Call everyone a communist.
~Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
~Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
~Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
~Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
~Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”
~Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
~Try to fit the word “cornucopia” into every sentence you say.
~Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
~Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, “And then what happened?”

I felt like little bit of a laugh today. I also didn’t feel like writing my own crap. So here ya go!

Q: Good king Wenceslas had a pizza. What kind was it?
A: Deep-pan, crisp and even!

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

One Christmas, group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.