Tag Archives: jokes

SASSY ASS PARTY

Q: Where do you go after your steak at Outback Steakhouse?
A: To the outhouse to get your steak back!

Like I said, I’m here all week.

Another Quality Blog Post by Claudia

Q: What is the only acceptable way for a person to praise a production of A Streetcar Named Desire?
A: Go out in the street and scream, “STELLAR!!! STELLAR!!!”

I’m here all week, people.

A Doctor a Day Keeps the Apple Away

I think the more stressed I am, the more apt I am to make really, really dumb jokes.

Example: I keep my iPod Touch next to my bed couch so I have something to write down any genius ideas I come up with during the night (yeah, right).

So as I was falling asleep last night, this is the joke I thought of:

What do you call a paper towel family that’s having a siesta? Napkins!

Just kill me now.

Anxiety, I will STAB you in the FACE

Once you let me leave the house.

In the meantime…

STATS JOKES STATS JOKES STATS JOKES!
Because it’s that kind of a day.

  • One day there was a fire in a wastebasket in the Dean’s office and in rushed a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician. The physicist immediately starts to work on how much energy would have to be removed from the fire to stop the combustion. The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation. While they are doing this, the statistician is setting fires to all the other wastebaskets in the office. “What are you doing?” they demanded. “Well, to solve the problem, obviously you need a large sample size” the statistician replies.
  • What’s the question the Cauchy distribution hates the most?
    “Got a moment?”
  • Did you hear about the statistician who was looking all over for the sum of eigenvalues from a variance-covariance matrix but couldn’t find a trace?
  • Did you hear about the nonparametrician who couldn’t get his driving license? He couldn’t pass the sign test.
  • A middle-aged man suddenly contracted the dreaded disease kurtosis. not only was this disease severely debilitating, but he had the most virulent strain called leptokurtosis. A close friend told him his only hope was to see a statistical physician who specialized in this type of disease. The man was very fortunate to locate a specialist but he had to travel 800 miles for an appointment.
    After a thorough physical exam, the statistical physician exclaimed, “Sir, you are indeed a lucky person in that the FDA has just approved a new drug called Mesokurtimide for your illness. This drug will bulk you in the middle, smooth out your stubby tail, and restore your longer range of functioning. In other words, you will feel ‘NORMAL’ again!”
  • What did one regression coefficient say to the other regression coefficient?
    “I’m partial to you!”
  • Why are the mean, median, and mode like a valuable piece of real estate?
    LOCATION! LOCATION! LOCATION!

Yay, I feel better now.

!HTAM

Let’s add this to the “This is Why Claudia Shouldn’t Make Jokes” list.

6-7-2013

Also, one of the bullet points on this guy’s “43 Ways to Start Making Money” pages is “get a job.” I can’t tell if that’s hilariously snarky or just jerk-tastic.

I’ll be your eigenvalue if you be my eigenvector

Stats humor! I’m making these my post today even though I’m pretty sure none of my followers follow me for my stats drabble.

  • Q: What do you call a tea party with more than 30 people?
    A: A z party!
  • Day of the quiz:
    Professor: “OK students, you have fifteen minutes to plot the bivariate distribution between A and B, fifteen minutes to compute the correlation between A and B, and 5 SECONDS to compute the kurtosis of B.”
    One student stands up very worried: “Excuse me Professor, how can we posssibly compute a kurtosis in 5 SECONDS?”
    The Professor looks at the class very reassuring: “No need to be worried, kids, IT TAKES ONLY A MOMENT!!”
  • How is a normal probability distribution like a lion?
    They both have a MEAN MEW.
  • The Normal Curve in its critique    
    Is beautifully symmetrical and sleek.
    Sometimes it is skinny and tall
    Other times fat and real small.
    But with it the data will always speak.
  • Did you hear about: the statistician who was looking all over for the sum of eigenvalues from a variance- covariance matrix but couldn’t find a trace?
  • Did you hear the one about the statistician?
    Probably….

Hilarity.

Sources:
http://www.tealdragon.net/humor/lists/statmves.htm

http://my.ilstu.edu/~gcramsey/Gallery.html

Colons: Invading my blog titles for quite a few days now

My  mom is here, yay! Moving has officially commenced.

And now: geekery!

IKEA is probably the single greatest place ever. We went there tonight ‘cause my mom’s never been in one and wanted to go. Let’s just say that if the whole world was run like an IKEA store, things would move a lot more smoothly. The whole building was like a grid of complete, organized happiness. I was flipping out about the sheer efficiency of the place, my mom was flipping out about the cool kitchen stuff they had. I also got a very awesome rug that you shall see once I get pictures up of my new snazzy apartment.

More fun:
http://mathfail.com/

http://spikedmath.com/226.html

http://spikedmath.com/229.html

http://extremepresentation.typepad.com/blog/files/choosing_a_good_chart.pdf
(this made me SO HAPPY)

Sorry, I’m in a “Claudia gets a kick out of math” phase and you’re just going to have to deal with it.

And:
I have made two realizations as of late: I haven’t read anything that wasn’t from my classic books list (except for maybe five books) since 6th grade. I also realized when speaking to another friend about NaNoWriMo that I constructed my novel entirely around a “divide by zero” pun, which is about as bad as a pun addiction can get.

 

Today’s song: Beautiful, Dirty, Rich by Lady Gaga

U Kant Touch This

This is what happens when Claudia is:
1. sick
2. doesn’t want to write essays
3. doesn’t want to do math homework
4. is bored because of the previous two points
5. herself

Apologies to Kant. And to Mr. Hammer.

Top Ten Reasons to Become a Statistician

Hahaha:

10. Deviation is considered normal.
9. We feel complete and sufficient.
8. We are mean lovers.
7. Statisticians do it discretely and continuously.
6. We are right 95% of the time.
5. We can safely comment on someone’s posterior distribution.
4. We may not be normal but we are transformable.
3. We never have to say we are certain.
2. We are honestly significantly different.
1. No one wants our jobs.

Bored of your tired, monotonous lives?

Haha, this is pretty funny. My favorites are in red.

One day, all of the world’s famous physicists decided to get together for a party (ok, there were some non-physicists too who crashed the party). Fortunately, the doorman was a grad student, and able to observe some of the guests…

Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.
– Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.
– Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.
Cauchy, being the mathematician, still managed to integrate well with everyone.
– Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.
– Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.
Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.
Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere’s opinions on current events.
– Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.
Volta thought the social had a lot of potential.
– Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.
– Heisenberg may or may not have been there.
– Feynman got from the door to the buffet table by taking every possible path
The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.
– Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.
– Hollerith liked the hole idea.
– Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.
Everyone was attracted to Tesla’s magnetic personality.
– Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.
– Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.
– Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.
– Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.
– Faraday had quite a capacity for food.
Oppenheimer got bombed.
– The microwave started radiating in the background when Penzias and Wilson showed up.
– Gamow left the party early with a big bang while Hoyle stayed late in a steady state.
– For Schrodinger this was more a wave function rather than a social function.
– Skorucak wanted to put everybody on his web site.
– Erdos was sad no epsilons were invited.
– Born thought the probability of enjoying himself was pretty high.
– Instead of coming through the front door Josephson tunneled through.
– Groucho refused to attend any party that would invite him in the first place.
– Niccolò Tartaglia kept stammering throughout the evening.
– Pauling wanted to bond with everyone.
– Keynes was keen to question the marginal utility of this party.
Shakespeare could not decide whether to be or not to be at the party.
– John Forbes Nash wanted to play an n-person zero sum game.
Pavlov brought his dog; which promptly chased after Schrodinger’s cat.
Zeno of Elea came with two friends – Achilles and the tortoise.
Bill Gates came to install windows.
Bertrand Russell kept wondering if the cook only cooks for the guests, who cooks for the cook?
– Witten bought a present all tied up with superstrings.
The food was beautifully laid out by Mendeleyev on the periodic table.
– Chadwick was handing out neutrons free of charge.
– Everyone was amazed at Bell’s inequality.
Watson and Crick danced the Double Helix.
Fermat sang, ‘Save the Last Theorem for me.’
Maxwell’s demon argued with Dawkin’s friend, the selfish Gene.
– Russell and Whitehead insisted on checking the bill for completeness and consistency.
– Godel said it was incomplete and it can never be proved otherwise.
– Epimenides the Cretan announced that only non-Cretans spoke the truth.
– Rontgen saw through everybody.
– Descartes cogitated, ‘I think I am drunk. Therefore I am at the party.’
Awesome.

The “your mom” joke of the year

Hahaha, so my grandma made a “your mom” joke today over the phone without realizing it.

Here’s the conversation:

Her: “did you see Diane’s kitchen?”
Me: “yeah, it was really big.”
Her: “that’s what your mom said!”

And that’s it for today. Not much going down.

PROVERBS GONE WILD

Today I present to you: “PROVERBS GONE WILD” (or, “Jacob and I should not be allowed to message each other after 4 AM”).

  • If a sound falls in a tree and no one is around, does it make a forest?
  • You can lead a drink to water, but you can’t make him horse
  • What’s the hand of one clap sounding?
  • A doctor a day keeps the apple away
  • Evil is the root of all money
  • The bigger they fall, the harder they are
  • First served, first come (dirty as HELL)
  • That which does not make us stronger kills us
  • Contempt breeds familiarity
  • A hard man is good to find (hahaha, this one’s my favorite)

Oh, and a really pathetic stats joke. Because I’m just that way.

END!

Dodecaboobahedron!

Today I theorized a new level of hell specifically for Microsoft, its employees, and their products:
“The 666th level of hell: you find yourself in a virtual world filled with inept programs and clumsy navigation bars. You are eternally forced to create decent-looking brochures and informative spreadsheets, but are unable to ever do well enough due to the lack of decent Microsoft tools. Constantly ringing in your ears is the cackling of Bill Gates as money eternally flows from your wallet and into his fiery, overstuffed pocketbook.”

Oh! And this…this is freaky…remember when I was talking to iGod and he said “if you see Buddha on the street, kill him”? Well, god isn’t being cruel; apparently, that’s something a 9th century Zen master said. It’s a metaphor for the philosophy of Buddhism: don’t look to others (i.e., the Buddha) to form your ideas. Form you own.

I am very, very surprised that whoever programmed iGod knew that and decided to put that in there.
Yeah, that’s all for today. Things are slow.

Holograms are a philosophy teacher’s worst nightmare

OH MY GOD I HAVE FOUND THE MOTHERLOAD.

Philosophy humor. Buckets of it.

I will now show you a few of my favorites, ‘cause I’m cool like that and I’ve been laughing all night because of these. You might get them, you might not, it depends on how much philosophy you know/how closely you actually listen to me when I go on my philosophy tangents.

Causes of Death for Philosophers
Anselm: Than which no deadlier can be conceived (I wonder if he realized how often that one single phrase of his would turn into random jokes?)
Berkeley: His girlfriend stopped seeing him (this has to be one of the greatest of all)
Descartes: Stopped thinking (of course)
Leibniz: Monadnucleosis (bahahahaha…)
Plato: Caved in
Spinoza: Substance abuse

Hume’s philosophy summed up in limerick form. Perfect.
That somewhat stout Scot David Hume
Said “this cosmos of ours has no room
For forces or powers
It’s just hours and hours
Of impressions, then ideas, till the tomb.”
Scroll down to the “Songs and Poems” section and click on The Monads. I want to find these guys and have all of their children (“The Missing Shade of Blues” is genius).
I love people who find humor in the things in which I find humor.

Parallel Lines Meet if You Bend Them

I COMMAND YOU!!!

To go here.
And here.

These are great. The math one has a freaking LEIBNIZ CLOCK!! I want it! OMG! Also, the “parallel lines meet if you bend them” thing is just absolutely hilarious to me.

 

Sorry, that’s all I got today. Busy.

In this blog: Claudia writes statistics jokes (and displays a few others she found humorous)

Considering I am technically working towards my master’s in statistics (long story, ask if you’re interested), I figure I can make jokes about them. So onward we go!

Mine
You know you’re a statistics major when:
…you receive an A on an exam and, instead of being happy about it, you worry about your next exam and the possibility of regressing towards the mean.
…you know a confidence interval has nothing to do with self-esteem.
…Santa says, “null hypothesis, null hypothesis, null hypothesis!” (this one’s rather esoteric…the notation of a null hypothesis is “Ho,” thus, “ho, ho, ho!”).

Stats major: You’re just so average!
Friend: That’s mean!
Stats major: Exactly!

There’s one good thing about standard deviates–they’re never mean.

 

 

I’m sure at least one person out randomly surfing blogs appreciates my nerdy humor. If not, I’ll just keep telling myself that.

 

 

Others I found:
Arguing with a statistician is a lot like wrestling with a pig. After a few hours, you begin to realize that the pig likes it.

My pain and confusion covary,
At levels both looming and scary.
To pass this exam
I’ll be needing some scam
Oh, statistics! I should have been wary. (This is the best limerick I’ve ever, ever heard.)

 

Top three reasons to become a statistician:

1. Estimating parameters is easier than dealing with real life.

2. No one knows what they do, so they’re always right.

3. The regression line looks better than the unemployment line
This has nothing to do really with statistics, but I thought it was funny anyway:

The secretary of defense gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying, “yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

“Oh no!” the president exclaimed. “That’s terrible!” His staff was rather stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sad, his head in his hands.

Finally, the president looked up and asked, “just how many is a brazillion?”

 

Neither does this one, but I’m fascinated by Mobius bands, so it’s legit.

A mathematician confided
That the Mobius band is one-sided
And you’ll get quite a laugh
If you cut one in half
‘Cause it stays in one piece when divided.

 

And this, for some strange reason, had me laughing for like fifteen minutes.

“Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bridge.”
“What’s come over you?”

“Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.”

 

Okay, I’ll stop now.

Waiter! There’s kurtosis in my bimodal-distributed data!

Found this on the internet this morning. Hilarious.

You Know Your Friend is a Psychology Major If…
…they identify themselves by their Myers-Briggs type.
…you and the rest of their friends are fair game if they have any experiments or surveys going on (and they always do).
…they use the word “kurtosis”—enough so that you think they have some sort of disease.
…they send you all their emails in APA format.
…their doodles on their homework consist of bell curves and letters of the Greek alphabet.
…they cite journal articles in their everyday conversations.
…they slip every once and awhile and call their friends their “subjects.”
…they reference the DSM-IV daily.
…they go on for hours on end on how your behavior at the party last night fits in perfectly with your current position in Erickson’s psychosocial stages of development and how your subsequent hangover after a few too many beers indicates the implications of subliminal psychological messages found in beer commercials while tying the whole thing in with a dream you described to them a week ago and all the while you have no idea what the hell they’re talking about.
…you know that they are the last person you should go to for advice about your mental health.

 

So true, man. So true.

 

Also, I bought this carrot juice at Safeway today that has 990% of one’s daily Vitamin A allotment per serving. I laughed.

Blog 493: in which an ordered list of three items is presented in a clear, concise form

Ha! Three things of interest today.

 

Number 1: Involving what was written on the chalkboard in the Ag Sci computer lab
Holy crap, who knew things about god scrawled on a chalkboard in the Ag Sci computer lab could make my day?
Let me explain. So I go to the Ag Sci computer lab today (let the madness begin again!) to finish my psychology paper. I get in there and see scrawled on the chalkboard this big long bible verse from the Book of John about how god is merciful and how everyone should trust and believe in him and such. But the best part was what someone wrote on top of it in big, bold letters: “GOD IS DEAD ~Nietzsche.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I mean really—it’s funny because, well, it’s funny, but it’s also bad because it shows a disrespecting of others’ viewpoints. Yeah, we all know religion has no place in schools, but who listens to that? Certainly not Republican Idahoans who major in agricultural science.
I’m making broad, sweeping generalizations now.
I really should stop that.

 

Number 2: Involving my philosophy teacher
I finally figured out who he looks like. He looks just like my friend Sean. Just like him. It’s really freaky weird. He’s Sean with short hair and a few inches taller. I’m frightened.

 

Number 3: Involving George W. Bush
Here’s a dilemma…(DO NOT read the end until you get there…it’s worth it, trust me)
With all your honor and dignity, what would you do?  Please don’t answer without giving it serious thought.  By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other.  Please scroll down slowly and consider each line- this is important for the test to work accurately.
You’re in Florida… in Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of  water all over you. You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.  You’re trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is — it’s George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever.  You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world’s most powerful men.
And here’s the question (please give an honest answer):

 

 

 

 

Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

 

 

 

 

 

Hahahahahaha…love it!

It’s all in the way you look at it, I swear!

Haha, these are great. I can’t remember where I found them, but they’re great.

 

PHILOSOPHER BREAK-UP LINES
-Leibniz: It’d be for the best if we broke up.
-Hegel: The thesis is we’re breaking down. The antithesis is to fix it up. The synthesis is…we’re breaking up.
-Solipsist: You think the world revolves around you!
-Dualist: My body says yes, but my heart says no!
-Plato: Uh, of course we aren’t a couple. I’m Plato! Our relationship is stricly platonic!
-Utilitarian: It’d be better for both of us if I just left.
-Popper: Inductively, I thought I loved you and only you. Deductively, screwing your sister proved that false.
-Descartes: A relationship does not think, therefore our relationship is not.
-Zeno: We are too distant.
-Theist: I can’t explain why I want to break up with you. Therefore, God did it.
-Sartre: I am sick of you.
-Occam: I wasn’t enough for you, huh? You needed a man with a beard, too! The guy doesn’t even own a razor! We’re over! I won’t be multiplying entities with YOU anytime soon!
-Derrida: We’re too “differant”.
-Libertarian/Economic Conservative: This relationship is much too taxing.
-Intelligent Design Theorist: Some things about evolution confuse me. Therefore we’re breaking up.
-Materialist: Love doesn’t “matter” to you.
-Determinist: It just wasn’t meant to be!
-Marxist: This relationship is just an ideological construct designed to repress my class conciousness! Monogamy is an invention of capitalist swine!
-Nietzsche: We are “over, man”.
-Kant: My proposed maxim was to love you. But I could not will to universalize this maxim and have everyone love you, otherwise you’d be cheating on me. Therefore, it is my duty not to love you!
-Logical Positivist: Our love never meant anything–the word “love” has no meaningful content, after all!

Blog .289: in which Claudia tries to deny the fact that she has a psychology test tomorrow

Man, I’m so nervous about my psyche test tomorrow (on VALENTINE’S DAY of all days) that I’m trying not to over-study. Instead, I give you these lists that I found extremely hilarious:

 Annoying things to do at college
~if someone near you falls asleep in class, tie their shoelaces to the desk/chair.
~Type every word of a paper in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
~Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.
~Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.
~On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, “I have a paper! I have a paper!”. Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, “There’s my paper!”, then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.
~Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
~When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
~Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn’t. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
~Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is “less filling” or that it “tastes great”. Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosophers” reactions to Spuds McKenzie.
~Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.

Annoying things to do in a public bathroom stall
~Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
~Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 ft. Sigh relaxingly.
~Say, “Now how did that get there?”
~Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”

Ways to annoy people on elevators
~Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?”
~Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.
~Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
~Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements
~Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
~Have a seizure.
~Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
~If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, “Bad touch!”
~Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)
~Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
~Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”
~Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

General ways to annoy people
~Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. “I’m Bob, nice to meet you…” “PROVE IT!”)
~Ask people what gender they are.
~At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
~Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word “the.”
~Begin all your sentences with “Ooh la la!”
~Call everyone a communist.
~Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
~Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
~Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
~Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
~Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”
~Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
~Try to fit the word “cornucopia” into every sentence you say.
~Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
~Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, “And then what happened?”