Blog .289: in which Claudia tries to deny the fact that she has a psychology test tomorrow


Man, I’m so nervous about my psyche test tomorrow (on VALENTINE’S DAY of all days) that I’m trying not to over-study. Instead, I give you these lists that I found extremely hilarious:

 Annoying things to do at college
~if someone near you falls asleep in class, tie their shoelaces to the desk/chair.
~Type every word of a paper in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
~Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.
~Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.
~On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, “I have a paper! I have a paper!”. Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, “There’s my paper!”, then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.
~Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
~When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
~Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn’t. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
~Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is “less filling” or that it “tastes great”. Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosophers” reactions to Spuds McKenzie.
~Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.

Annoying things to do in a public bathroom stall
~Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
~Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 ft. Sigh relaxingly.
~Say, “Now how did that get there?”
~Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”

Ways to annoy people on elevators
~Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?”
~Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.
~Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
~Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements
~Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
~Have a seizure.
~Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
~If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, “Bad touch!”
~Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)
~Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
~Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”
~Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

General ways to annoy people
~Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. “I’m Bob, nice to meet you…” “PROVE IT!”)
~Ask people what gender they are.
~At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
~Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word “the.”
~Begin all your sentences with “Ooh la la!”
~Call everyone a communist.
~Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
~Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
~Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
~Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
~Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”
~Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
~Try to fit the word “cornucopia” into every sentence you say.
~Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
~Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, “And then what happened?”

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