Category Archives: Surveys

Hey, so

I haven’t posted a survey in like a week, so let’s GET ON IT.

How long have you been blogging?
Since May 1, 2006. I’m in this for the long haul, dudes.

Did you go to college?
Ha. Haha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHa yes

Where have you traveled?
Uhhhhhhh London, Stockholm, and Helsinki for “overseas,” Hawaii and Alaska for “in the US but TOTALLY NOT TOUCHY FEELY LIKE THOSE OTHER GARBAGE STATES,” and Canada.

Which celebrity do you get mistaken for?
I don’t think I’ve even ever been told I look like a celebrity. Celebrities are usually attractive and I am…well, unattractive.

What are your three biggest pet peeves?
People who have no sidewalk etiquette
People who misquote movies/TV shows
People in general

What is your favorite movie?
Sunshine.

What is your drink of choice; wine, beer, or liquor. Or Water, Soda, Tea?
Water, yo.

What is something you enjoy to do when you have me time?
Thinking. Blogging. I used to draw/write, but I haven’t had time for that in a while.

What is your biggest phobia?
I don’t know if I have one.

Share with us an embarrassing moment of your past?
Existing? Or that “band seminar” incident with Beau, one of the two.

What day would you love to relive again? Why?
July 25, 2009. The reason is private.

If your life was turned into a movie… what actor would your best friend think should play you?
I don’t know if I have a best friend. I have no idea who would play me. Can it be William Shatner?

What are the jobs you had in high school/college/the early years?
Wendy’s employee, custodian for the U of I, in-home caretaker. I also had that lecturer job at the U of I technically while I was in college (getting my math degree), so I guess that counts.

Show us a picture from high school or college.
BOOM!

If you could travel anywhere in the world, all expenses paid, where would you go?
Hanover.

Where do you see your life 6 and 1/2 years from now?
That’s…a specific distance into the future. Um…hopefully in a secure, permanent position as an instructor at the U of C, still with Nate, still with Jazzy, still walking my toes off every day.

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be and why?
19 wasn’t too bad.

Romney picked Paul Ryan to run as his veep. Any thoughts?
Jesus, this survey is old, isn’t it?
UNLESS ROMNEY IS BACK OH FUCK—

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Just skip this one

It’s cold outside and I hate myself and I hate my life so have a survey because I also don’t care about this dumb blog anymore either.

What’s the coolest item you’ve found at a garage sale, flea market, etc.?
I’ve found quite a few snazzy clothes at garage sales, but I can’t think of anything specific right now.

Describe how your day went yesterday.
Terribly. Just like every other day. Go away.

Do you have issues with people entering your personal space? What do you do when your personal space is violated?
I don’t have too much of a personal space, believe it or not, if I’m just at my desk or standing around or whatever. But if I’m walking down the sidewalk and you’re within like 30 feet of me behind me? Fuck off. I don’t like being followed when I’m walking.

What is the one meal recipe you think you’ve mastered?
My penne pasta/broccoli thing. It’s practically the only thing I ever cook.

If you could take back something you did to someone, what would it be?
I would have not overreacted so much to breaking with Matt. Sorry, friend. It was my first relationship and I had yet to be emotionally calibrated by a breakup.

Would you describe yourself as spiritual, religious, or something else?
Neither. I am not religious at all and I don’t really know what people ever really mean when they say they’re “spiritual,” so yeah.

Did you ever receive detention in school? What sort of kid were you in school – bookworm, smart kid, troublemaker, quiet … etc.
I got detention once. 8th grade math. We were doing stuff with perfect squares and I wouldn’t stop making stupid jokes about it (e.g., “why aren’t there perfect rectangles, durrrrrrr”) so my teacher gave me 15 minutes of detention. Other than that I was pretty quiet.

When’s the last time you ran a mile? How often do you exercise?
I ran back in January for the first time since busting up my leg (only for like two miles ‘cause I didn’t want to hurt it), but haven’t run since because shortly after I got back to Calgary I tweaked the leg again and I’m kinda terrified to push it beyond what I normally do.
But I exercise by walking 15 miles a day six (usually) days a week.
Because, you know, that’s not pushing my leg at all.

What would you say to your 16-year-old self, and why?
“End it now.”

What are you avoiding?
Everything.

Describe a “Hah! I told you so” moment you had recently.
Every damn day looking at the U.S. Government. Which is why I have backed far off news reports except in the very broadest sense.

What’s more important, where you live or what you do for a living? Why?
What you do for a living. I suspect that if you’re happy enough in your job, you can tolerate pretty much any location. Not true for the reverse.

Swear words: Are you pro or con? Why
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YES

Paper or plastic? Do you prefer to pack your own groceries?
I either huck everything into my backpack bagless or get plastic, mainly because we use the plastic bags as trash bags in our little bathroom, bedroom, and Jazzy litter box trashcans.

Do you have a shoe fetish? How often do you buy new shoes? Do you ever get rid of a pair of shoes?
I don’t have a shoe fetish. But I buy new walking shoes a lot because I burn through them very quickly. I can usually get them to last about 600-700 miles, which takes me about a month and a half or so. I also have issues getting rid of my old walking shoes. That seems so insulting to them. So I have a giant pile-up of them in my closet.

Do school-age cows eat at a calfeteria?

I’TS A SURVEY I DON’T EVEN CARE

1. What book are you reading?
Nothing right now, ‘cause I’m a bad person.

3. Favorite board game?
Scrabble is fun. So is Pictionary.

4. Favorite magazine?
Uh…that Running Room magazine I get?

5. Favorite smells?
Go to hell

6. Favorite sounds?
Frisson-inducing music. Jazzy purring.

7. Worst feeling in the world?
Failing. Or running your nails across dry towel fabric (or heavy yarn blankets). I really don’t like that feeling.

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
NOT AGAIN

9. Favorite fast food place?
Cougar Country or (if it counts) Mongolian BBQ. But I don’t know if the latter counts.

10. Future child’s name?
I will not be having a future child.

11. Finish this statement. “If I had lot of money I’d….?
Give enough of it to my mom so that she could retire.

12. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
Nope.

13. Storms – cool or scary?
Awesome.

14. Favorite drink?
Water?
15. Finish this statement, “If I had the time I would….”?
Draw more, read more, create more.
16. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
Ew, no. Give me florets or give me death!
17. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?
Orange.
18. Name all the different cities/towns you’ve lived in?
Moscow, Troy, Vancouver, London, Marana, Tucson, Calgary.

Thank you for not asking me to list all the different houses.

19. Favorite sports to watch?
BASEBALL

20. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you?
No one sent this to me. I stole it like the thieving thief I am.

21. What’s under your bed?
Cat hair, cat toys, and sometimes a cat.

22. Would you like to be born as yourself again?
EW NO

23. Morning person, or night owl?
Night owl.

24. Over easy, or sunny side up?
Over easy.

25. Favorite place to relax?
Relaxing is for SQUARES

26. Favorite pie?
Not a pie fan, really.

27. Favorite ice cream flavor?
Oreo.

It’s a math meme. Because of course it is.

You honestly think I’d pass this up?

I’m going to try to focus on math instead of stats, but I might have to include some stats. Sorryz.

What math classes have you taken?
Lots. The calculus series, linear algebra, discrete math, mathematical statistics, stochastic methods, complex analysis, analysis of algorithms, linear regression, plus a whole bunch of stats classes…those are the main ones I can remember.

What math classes did you do best in?
Technically my highest grade was in calc III, but I did pretty good in discrete math as well. I also got a 100% on a calc II test, which is wild because that’s the one and only 100% I’ve ever gotten on a math test.

What math classes did you like the most?
Calculus, discrete math, mathematical stats.

What math classes did you do worst in?
I did terribly in Stochastic Methods. That was a ridiculously hard class for me for whatever reason. I just couldn’t get it.

Are there areas of math that you enjoy? What are they?
Statistics. Complex analysis. Is calculus an area? If so, calculus.

Why do you learn math?
Because I don’t want to be afraid of it anymore. The more I learn about it, the more that visceral reaction of “OH GOD WHAT IS THIS I’M SCARED” disappears faster whenever I see math.

What do you like about math?
I like how much it can explain in our universe. It’s so wild to me that humans have found a way to use math in so many different situations to explain or describe how things work. I love that.

Least favorite notation you’ve ever seen?
This nonsense. What in the hell, Newton?

Do you have any favorite theorems?
Does the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus count?

Better yet, do you have any least favorite theorems?
Not that I’m aware of.

Who actually invented calculus?
Oh, honey. Oh, honey.

Do you have any stories of Mathematical failure you’d like to share?
My entire high school experience? I hated algebra II. Hated it.

Do you think you’re good at math? Do you expect more from yourself?
I can make math work for me, but I am absolutely not naturally good at it. It takes a lot of work, I have zero mathematical intuition, and I feel like I don’t “get” it like a true math person should. I always expect more from myself, but I’d say I’m doing pretty good for someone who would get hives whenever she’d go to math in high school.

Do other people think you’re good at math?
People automatically assume I am because I teach stats. I guess I can’t blame them. But GOD I AM NOT.

Do you know anyone who doesn’t think they’re good at math but you look up to anyway? Do you think they are?
I don’t think so.

Have you ever taken a competitive exam?
Nope. I’m not good enough to even try.

Do you have any friends on Tumblr that also do math?
I follow a good number of math-related Tumblr blogs, but I don’t personally know any of the blog owners.

Who is your favorite Mathematician?
Leibniz. Absolutely no question. I love that man, y’all have no freaking idea.

Who is your least favorite Mathematician?
I don’t think I have one. Maybe John Keill ‘cause he was a dick to Leibniz.

Who is/was the most attractive Mathematician, living or dead?
L E I B N I Z oh dear god yes

Have you ever dated a Mathematician?
Nope.

Would you date someone who dislikes math?
I think Rob disliked math. But Rob disliked everything, so…

Would you date someone who’s better than you at math?
I think anyone I’d date would be better at math than me.

Have you ever used math in a novel or entertaining way?
I’ve used stats in some interesting ways, like when I tried to analyze fmylife.com to see if people tended to assign blame to certain types of FMLs more than others.

Have you learned any math on your own recently?
I had to re-teach myself a bunch of intro stats stuff when I first started teaching here. Some of that is really easy to just completely forget.

When’s the last time you computed something without a calculator?
Lawl. I need a calculator for everything. 2 + 3? Goddamn, I have no idea.

What’s the silliest Mathematical mistake you’ve ever made?
My first semester teaching at the U of I. I was defining some basic set theory stuff for my stats class and I wanted to make a set of all even integers from 0 to 10. I forgot to include 0.

Did you ever fail a math class?
No, surprisingly. Not even in high school.

Is math a challenge for you?
Yes. At the very least, it’s not intuitive at all.

Are you a Formalist, Logicist, or Platonist?
Logicist.

Are you close with a math professor?
Not super close, no.

Just how big is a big number?
Graham’s Number!

What’s your favorite number system? Integers? Reals? Rationals? Hyper-reals? Surreals? Complex? Natural numbers?
I have a bit of a soft spot for complex numbers. They’re super cool plus were a major weird part of “Prime.”

Favorite casual math book?
“Classical Mathematics: A Concise History of Mathematics in the Seventheenth and Eighteenth Centuries” by Joseph Ehrenfried Hofmann. So much calculus history.
(So much Leibniz.)

Do you have favorite math textbooks? If so, what are they?
I really like my “Handbook of Parametric and Nonparametric Statistical Procedures” book, but I guess that’s more stats than math. Gonna count it. I also like the calculus books I used while taking calc I, II, and III. They were very good textbooks.

Do you collect anything that is math-related?
I…don’t think so? Which is shocking. Maybe math books, does that count?

Where is your most favorite place to do math?
Anywhere that’s quiet with a large desk so that I can spread out my stuff. I used to like doing math in the U of I library.

What inspired you to do math?
Fear. I don’t like being afraid of things and I was afraid of math for the longest time. Then I started doing stats and didn’t find that too bad, so I thought “what the hell let’s get a math degree” and bam here we are.

Do you have any favorite/cool math websites you’d like to share?
Mathematicians’ birthdays
Pronunciation guide for mathematics
A handbook for mathematics teaching assistants

 

What’s your favorite number?
I really like 11, but I also dig 2 because that number shows up a lot for me.

Are there any non-interesting numbers?
Nope! Every number has a story, a use, and a background.

Have you ever tried to figure out the prime factors of your phone number?
Nope.

Do you have any math tattoos?
No, unfortunately.

Do you want any math tattoos?
I would love to have either just a plain old integral sign tattooed somewhere or the second part of the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

Are you a fan of algorithms? If so, which are your favorite?
Dijkstra’s algorithm.

Can you program? What languages do you know?
A little C++, some Perl, R.

TWO! TWO! TWO SURVEYS IN ONE!

1. January was National Mentoring Month. Have you ever had a mentor? Been a mentor? How would you rate the experience?
I’ve never been a mentor and have never been mentored. So there.

2. What current trend makes no sense to you?
Active wear (especially yoga pants (ESPECIALLY yoga pants with that weird mesh nonsense)) being worn as everyday clothing. NO. STOP. You’re RUINING EVERYTHING.

3. I saw a cartoon on Facebook highlighting a few ‘weird’ things that make you happy as an adult. The list included-writing with a nice pen, having plans cancelled, freshly cleaned sheets, eating the corner brownie, cleaning the dryer lint screen, and sipping coffee in that brief time before anyone else wakes up. Of the ‘weird’ things listed which one makes you happiest?
Having plans cancelled, but only if they’re plans with other people that I really didn’t want to commit to in the first place.

4. What’s the last good thing you ate?
I made broccoli and pasta the other day. Yesterday? Maybe. I don’t know how days work anymore.

5. Describe life in your 20’s in one sentence.
*velociraptor screeching*

6. It’s that time of year again…time for Lake Superior University to present a list of words (or phrases) they’d like to see banished (for over-use, mis-use, or general uselessness) in 2018. This year’s top vote getters are — unpack, dish (as in dish out the latest rumor), pre-owned, onboarding/offboarding, nothingburger, let that sink in, let me ask you this, impactful, Covfefe, drill down, fake news, hot water heater(hot water doesn’t need to be heated), and gig economy. Which of these words/phrases would you most like to see banished from everyday speech and why? Is there a word not on the list you’d like to add?
None of these really bother me. I’m getting really tired of “tea” being used as slang for gossip as of late, though. Just call it gossip, you nerds.

7. What’s something you need to get rid of in the New Year?
Myself My STUPID INJURY OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU STILL HURTING

8. Where do you feel stuck?
Everywhere.

9. January is National Soup Month. When did you last have a bowl of soup? Was it made from scratch or from a can? Your favorite canned soup? Your favorite soup to make from scratch on a cold winter’s day?
FUCK I MISSED NATIONAL SOUP MONTH?!?!?!?! THIS YEAR SUCKS

10. Tell us one thing you’re looking forward to in 2018.
Nothing.

SURVEY TWO!

1. Do you prefer winter or summer? Why?
Summer. Better walking conditions.

2. What are your favorite winter activities?
Walking when it’s actively snowing but there’s not a lot of build-up on the sidewalks. Trying not to fall on the ice. Trying not to get frostbite. All that fun stuff!

3. Can you tell me about a time you went skiing or skating?
I’ve never skied. It’s been a long time since I’ve skated (the last time I remember skating was in 2007. It was my reward to myself for getting a 4.0 in a semester where there was no way in hell I should have gotten a 4.0).

4. Have you ever made a snow angel?
Long ago.

5. Is your house cold?
It’s 74 in here because Nate understands that he married a lizard and needs to keep said lizard warm.

6. Do you have a fireplace in your house?
Nope. Unless you count Nate, which you should, ‘cause his body temperature is usually high enough to qualify as fire.

7. What do you usually do to keep warm in the winter?
WARMTH IS AN ILLUSION

8. Have you ever gone hiking in the snow?
Not hiking. Just walking.

9. Tell me about a snowball fight you had.
Not sure if I’ve ever had one that’s memorable enough to recall.

10. Have you ever looked at a snowflake carefully?
I’ve looked a snowflake in the eye as I told it I killed its pa.

11. Do you have a sled? Have you been sledding?
I used to sled all the time. Our dog Mindy would chase me down the hills. Then I got a concussion after barreling into a clod of frozen dirt, ‘cause that how I roll.

12. What do you usually do after a big snowfall?
Hope that the sidewalks are still walkable, but walk either way.

13. What’s the best thing about winter?
I like snow. Ice? No. The threat of frostbite? No. But I like snow.

14. What’s the worst thing about winter?
Ice. And the melting period when the whole damn city is just a giant puddle and walking is the most frustrating thing ever.

15. Have you ever been in a blizzard?
Not a technical blizzard, no.

16. Can you describe ice for me?
It’s the devil.

17. Have you ever slipped on ice and hurt yourself?
I’ve slipped on the ice a decent amount of times, but never actually hurt myself past bruises.

18. Have you ever had to shovel snow?
Oh yeah. When I lived in that house with the guys I was the only one on that entire damn block who shoveled.

19. Will you be watching the Olympics?
HELL YES

20. If yes, what are your favorite events?
I love speed skating. And figure skating.

ONE! ONE! ONE SURVEY IN ONE!

I’m cold and bored, LEAVE ME ALONE

1. What is a normal thing that took you an embarrassingly long time to learn?
I don’t know if this counts at all since it’s not really something you “learn,” but it took me a long time to understand what a lot of people in movies were actually saying when they spoke. This was especially true in Disney movies. I focused much more on the intonations and “sing-songiness” of peoples’ voices and phrases and not really much on the actual words they said. Even today when I watch movies I first saw as a little kid, the memories of the “song” of the speech comes back to my memory much quicker than the actual words.

Maybe a more appropriate answer to this one would be the fact that it took me quite a long time to learn that sounds like “th” and “ch” and “sh” did not have their own letter of the alphabet but instead were comprised of multiple letters. I remember sitting in kindergarten trying to spell the word “chair” and freaking out because I couldn’t figure out which of the 26 letters in the alphabet made the “ch” sound.

2. In what ways are you old-fashioned?
Ways that would probably make me enemy #1 for some of my friends, so I won’t mention them. Don’t worry, I’m not a closet republican or anything like that. I’ve just got some old-fashioned views about a few sensitive subjects that I’d rather not express.

3. What is the best sandwich you’ve ever eaten? Where did you get it? What made it so delicious?
My mom’s grilled cheese. I got it from my mom. It’s delicious ‘cause of mom.
(It’s Colby-Jack cheese on potato bread. Try it. It’s so much better than your standard American cheese on white bread.)

4. What are you currently not bragging about that you should totally brag about?
The fact that I walked 5,100 miles last year. Because, you know, I haven’t mentioned that in the last five minutes.

5. What food have you never tasted and are most interested in trying?
None. None foods. I don’t like new things, they’re scary.

6. What history facts were you surprised to learn because it was never covered in school?
Pretty much any math facts or facts about those who came up with mathematical techniques and theorems. I think I would have enjoyed math more if we had gotten some human context to it, you know?

7. What is something that you waited entirely too long to start or stop doing? What made you say “Why did I wait so long?”
Walking for pleasure/exercise/the sake of my sanity. I used to shun it and thought it was boring. Now it’s my life.

8. What socially expected thing do you hate doing the most?
All this germophobe garbage. “Don’t touch the dirt!” “Sanitize everything!” “Ew you touched a worm that’s gross so many germs better saw off your fingers so you don’t get C O N T A M I N A T E D!!!!!1” This is why the superbugs will win.

10. What do you miss most about childhood?
Having so much time and potential ahead of me to do things right. Too bad I screwed it all up.

11. What “fact” did you learn in school that is not true or no longer true?
Christopher Columbus is a planet and Pluto discovered America.
Wait.

12. What’s your favorite piece of useless trivia?
The kilogram is the only SI unit that is still defined by a physical object rather than by a physical constant. The kilogram, “Le Grand K,” is a platinum alloy cylinder stored in France.

13. What’s your best go to homemade “lazy” meal
Handfuls of shredded cheese straight from the bag. You’re not an adult until you’ve snarfed down half a cup of cheese while watching Vine compilations on YouTube.

Actually, my typical “lazy” meal is “pass out on the couch and forget to eat.” That happens more frequently than I’d like to admit

14. What’s the title of this current chapter in your life?
“LOL You’re a Still A Failure”

15. What is a habit or practice that you learned from your childhood that you didn’t realize was “weird” until you were an adult?|
Uh…let’s not talk about that one. It’s private.

End o’ Year Survey

Hey so let’s do that survey thing I always do around this time of year.

What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?
Got injured due to physical activity? I was just going to put “got injured” but I’ve had bee stings and shit and whatnots and I guess those count as injuries, but this is the first time I’ve been actually injured to the point where it affected my physical performance.

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
There will soon be a blog post regarding this!

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nopers.

Did anyone close to you die?
Annabelle. Poor little kitty.

What countries did you visit?
Does the US count? I think I always count it.

What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?
I said it last year and I’ll say it again: job security.

What date from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
December 22, the day I hit 5,000 walking miles.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
See above. That took a lot of work, yo.

What was your biggest failure?
Getting injured. Screw that nonsense. It slowed me down (literally), but did not prevent me from my goal.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
UGH WHY

What was the best thing you bought?
God, I don’t even know.

Where did most of your money go
Condo fees, groceries, tank tops from Walmart because I have a SERIOUS PROBLEM, cruise.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Teaching! As always.

What song will always remind you of 2017?
Running Away by The Royal Foundry. So good.

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Getting injured, haha. Are you sensing a theme here?

How will you be spending Christmas?
Christmas was yesterday. We hung out at Nate’s parents’ place and opened presents.

Did you fall in love in 2017?
Nope, but I stayed in love with the most wonderful man ever!

How many one-night stands?
Haha. Zero.

What was your favourite TV program?
I actually didn’t mind Iron Fist.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope.

What was the best book you read?
Did…did I read anything this year? I don’t think I read any fiction. Too busy walking.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
That will be revealed on the 31st!

What was your favourite film of this year?
Thor: Ragnarok was freaking awesome.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 29. Can’t remember what I did. Probably walked.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying?
G E T T I N G  S O M E  J O B  S E C U R I T Y

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?
“Cold.”

What kept you sane?
Sanity is for plebs.

Which celebrity/public figure(s) did you fancy the most?
Leibniz. Always and forever.

Who did you miss?
My mom and dad.

Who was the best new person you met?
I don’t think I met anyone new this year.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:
DON’T GET INJURED

YA SHUR Y KNOT

Book survey. ‘Cause NaNo and all that nonsense.

(Warning: I’m hyper)

1. Do you prefer hardcover, paperback, or Kindle…and why?
Paperback. Light, easy to read, and you can touch the pages.

2. If I were to own a book shop I would call it …
“READ ONE OF THESE BOOKS OR I’LL STAB YOU”

3. My favorite quote from a book (mention the title) is …
“They’re a rotten crowd,” I shouted across the lawn. “You’re worth the whole damn bunch put together.”

I’ve always been glad I said that. It was the only compliment I ever gave him, because I disapproved of him from beginning to end. First he nodded politely, and then his face broke into that radiant and understanding smile, as if we’d been in ecstatic cahoots on that fact all the time. First he nodded politely, and then his face broke into that radiant and understanding smile, as if we’d been in ecstatic cahoots on that fact all the time. His gorgeous pink rag of a suit made a bright spot of color against the white steps, and I thought of the night when I first came to his ancestral home, three months before. The lawn and drive had been crowded with the faces of those who guessed at his corruption—and he had stood on those steps, concealing his incorruptible dream, as he waved them good-by.

Nick to Gatsby, from The Great Gatsby.

4. The author (alive or dead) I would love to have lunch with would be …
Probably Fitzgerald. Or Nabokov!

5. If I was going to a deserted island and could only bring one book, except for the SAS survival guide, it would be …
The Caine Mutiny. That will never get old to me. Love it.

6. I would love someone to invent a bookish gadget that …
Would automatically make an audiobook of your book of choice. Read by Alexander Scourby.

7. The smell of an old book reminds me of ….
The fACT THAT I CAN’ SMELL THANKS SURVEY JEEZ

8. If I could be the lead character in a book (mention the title), it would be….
Phileas Fogg from Around the World in 80 Days. Love that dude. OR Gatsby from The Great Gatsby. Love that dude, too.

9. The most over-rated book of all time is….
If I say Lord of the Rings, will Tolkien rise from his grave and murder me in a very slow, drawn-out, boring fashion?

10. I hate it when a book….
Just tanks the ending. A book can be fantastic from pages 1 to n-1, but if that nth page is a disappointment (or however many pages it takes to make the “ending” happen), it’ll ruin the whole thing for me. I’m looking you, A Handmaid’s Tale.

IT’S MY TOMBSTONE AND I’LL ROT IF I WANT TO

ghost: what would you like on your tombstone?
I shall not have a tombstone. I will be cremated. Part of my ashes will be scattered near Leibniz’ grave. If this does not happen I will HAUNT FOREVER

dracula: are you afraid of aging? or death?
Neither. Bring on the end, man.

nosferatu: what, as a child, did you imagine went bump in the night?
I don’t remember being afraid of much as a kid, though that might be inaccurate.

godzilla: what do you do when you are angry? are you ever destructive?
I’m not a pleasant person when I’m angry. And I’m angry quite often, so that’s not a fantastic combination. I try not to take it out on anyone but myself, though.

the blob: do you collect anything? if so, what & why?
I don’t collect anything specifically, but I do tend to amass trinkets/random nonsense I find cute/interesting/cool. Hence the trinket shelf.

zombie: when was the last time you trusted your gut? was it successful?
I’ve learned to always trust my gut based on past experience. The last time I did was when I was trying to decide between going to Carleton University versus U of C. Trusted my gut and chose U of C. Things couldn’t have worked out better.

mothra: what is something dangerous that attracts or fascinates you?
I’d totally do skydiving again. No question.

king kong: what are some questionable choices you’ve made lately?
Existing?

alien: what is your strangest feature?
The sheer ugliness of my body. It’s bad, yo.

cthulhu: do you like the ocean? why or why not?
The ocean’s great. Terrifying, but awesome.

nessie: have you ever felt invisible to people — the feeling of not existing?
Bah.

mutant spider: what is one of your biggest fears?
I don’t have any major ones, I don’t think.

golem: if you could make up an imaginary friend, what would they be like and why?
Not going to lie: it would be Leibniz. Just…Leibniz. Though he’d speak English so we could converse. I am being 100% honest here, so DON’T JUDGE ME.

sharktopus: what is something you’ve done that was ridiculous or a bad decision?
Going to University of Western Ontario, mainly because I very promptly failed at everything I wanted to do there and had to move back to Moscow. I’d had a bad feeling about going to Ontario before I even left, but didn’t listen to that feeling. Now I listen to those types of feelings.

robot: what is a habit you do without thinking?
Panic. That’s totally a habit, fight me.

Survey says…survey!

(I think I’ve already used that title…)

Let’s do it, yo.

[THERE’S NO NUMBER ONE OMFG ABORT ABORT]

2. What was the best year of your life so far?
2017 has been pretty good, even though I got hurt. I got my semester off to do my obsessive walking, I’m having a relatively stress-free fall semester, I will hopefully complete NaNo, and will hopefully walk 5,000 miles. Not too shabby.
(2013 wasn’t bad, either)

3. What’s your favorite thing to do on the Internet?
Screw around, aka read Reddit, read Twitter, watch dumb YouTubes.

4. What fad have you held on to even tho it isn’t popular any more?
Loose-fitting pants. Not sure if that is really a “trend,” but I hate the whole skinny jeans/yoga pants fad so damn much right now. Nobody looks good in pants that are tight all the way down. Nobody.

5. What do you spend most of your time doing?
Walking. Teaching.

6. What do you spend way too much money on?

Stuff. Just stuff. And tank tops.

7. What event, large or small, has changed the course of your life most?
Quitting UBC at the right time. I really, really, really wanted to quit my Masters program there. I came so close so many times. But I stuck it out. I did, however, “quit” my upcoming PhD program there by just not applying/submitting the fee payment in time. I really do think I would have ended my life if I had to spend any more time in that hellhole of a program. But finishing the MA got me teaching, eventually, which got me…well, where I am now. Teaching. Haha.

8. Who do you have a hard time taking seriously?
Our dear old POTUS.

9. What do you judge people for most often?
Not WALKING COURTEOUSLY ON THE SIDEWALK OMFG STAY TO THE RIGHT IS THAT SO FREAKING DIFFICULT ASLDKSDFLSGDLKGHL

10. What was the most beautiful view you have ever experienced?
I really liked the view I had during skydiving. You could see so much, both of the earth below and the sky/horizon. I would skydive again in a heartbeat.

11. What is something you read or heard that has stuck with you for a long time?
Ethan Frome has really stuck with me. There are countless stories about forbidden love and people pining for each other knowing that they can’t have each other, but this story is so genuine and has such a tragic outcome that it’s just always stuck with me.

12. What’s your favorite thing to shop for. Why?
Electronics, haha. Headphones. That kind of thing. I don’t know why. I guess I like the possibility of getting a new shiny.

13. What’s the best compliment someone can receive?
Depends on the person. Whatever makes them feel the best, I suppose. I like being told I’m smart, even though that’s a blatant lie.

14. What’s something people go on and on about and you just can’t stand sitting through?
Nothing specific, really. If they’re boring, I just start tuning them out, haha.

15. What’s something you can do that most people can’t?
I can walk 15 miles a day six days a week. I’m sure most people could do that if they built up to it, though, so big freaking deal. So let’s say walking 50 miles in 10 hours and 16 minutes, ‘cause I did that.

16. When was the last time you tried to look cool and ended in embarrassment?
This is my existence, yo.

17. What is the most ridiculous rule you have to follow?
I have tri-colored pasta in my pasta/broccoli thing I make (plain, red, and green). I have this self-imposed rule where I have to have the same amount of noodles of each color, which means I have to count them all out each time I make dinner. Which takes a bit of time. Which is why I usually don’t have dinner until like 3 AM.

18. What country do you not know the location of, even though you should?
I don’t know if I could identify Iran on a map. Maybe I could—I certainly know the general area—but I’m not sure if I remember exactly where it is. Same could be said about Iraq, Afghanistan, and a lot of the European countries. It’s been a long time since I’ve really paid attention to a map .

19. What do you have a hard time with but most people find quite easy?
Simple math. Like 2+4 kind of simple. I still have to think about it, and that’s really sad.

20. What’s the most impressive skill you have?
I’m pretty good at learning new instruments (at least I used to be, I haven’t tried recently). I can pick up a new instrument and be somewhat decent at playing it quite quickly without the help of anyone else. I did this for most of the instruments I know how to play. In high school I learned oboe specifically for that little oboe solo in the 1812 Overture and I had about a week to do that, so. Kind of the same thing happened with the flute. And tuba.

“23 Questions I Ask Everybody I Meet In Order To Decide If I Can Really Love Them”

So these questions, from the mind of Chuck Klosterman, appear in a series of essays titled Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto. The title of the section containing these questions is “23 Questions I Ask Everybody I Meet In Order To Decide If I Can Really Love Them.” Ignoring the fact that he failed my own first test of love—“Does the person use the Oxford comma?”—I’ll give his questions a whirl. Nate, do you really love me based on my answers? Haha.

  1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks—he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can’t learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he’s doing these five tricks with real magic. It’s not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He’s legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence. Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

He’s be just as impressive, I’d say, but in a different way. There are weirder things than magic out there.

 

  1. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that—for some reason—every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots. Would you attempt to do this?

No. It wouldn’t feel right to kill an innocent animal, especially in such a cruel and painful manner as kicking it to death while it stands practically defenseless. The payoff would benefit a lot of people, but even that payoff wouldn’t justify the killing.

 

  1. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler’s skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can’t give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler’s skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical. Which option do you select?

Are people allowed to come into my house and view the skull? If so, I choose the turtle. Stay out of my house. But if not, I choose the skull (mainly because I have very little experience with turtle care and I’d be afraid I’d do something wrong and hurt it).

 

  1. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called “super gorilla.” Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and—most notably—a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be “borderline unblockable” and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent. You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

Hahaha. No. Even if Dr. Pigskin (this is the gorilla’s name, fight me) has made it clear that he would never intentionally injure an opponent, 700 pounds of football-obsessed gorilla would probably unintentionally hurt a lot of people. Football is finally starting to recognize the damage that concussions cause. Dr. Pigskin wouldn’t cause concussions. He would just demolish brain stems. Much worse.

And honestly, the most unrealistic thing in this whole scenario is me being commissioner of the NFL.

 

  1. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate’s collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear—for the rest of your life—sound as if it’s being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it’s being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it’s being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you). Would you swallow the pill?

I’ve already met my soul mate. And as much as I love music, I love him more. I’d take the pill.

 

  1. At long last, someone invents “the dream VCR.” This machine allows you to tape an entire evening’s worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device of you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don’t agree to this, you can’t use the dream VCR. Would you still do this?

Absolutely. We all have weird-ass dreams, right? I’d like to be able to see mine. I’m sure everyone would understand that they’re just dreams. Plus, if I ever have The Leibniz Dream™, that shit’s getting re-watched daily.

 

  1. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week. You are the front page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?

Do we know for certain it’s Nessie? Do we know for certain it’s Bigfoot? I suspect it would take more than an afternoon to figure out either of these, so I’d run the story about the President.

 

  1. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson’s gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film’s “deeper philosophy.” Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?

Nope! In fact, I dig it when a person has a very strong passion for something. The Dark Crystal scared the hell out of me when I was a kid, but I can handle it now and wouldn’t be put off by someone who was super into it.

As long as they’d be cool with my Leibniz obsession.

 

  1. A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man). Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likelihood of you reading this book?

Decrease, but only because I’m with Nate. If I was single, I wouldn’t care what my sexuality was, but I would feel really bad about the chance that I would suddenly not be attracted to men while with him.

 

  1. This is the opening line of Jay McInerney’s Bright Lights, Big City: “You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of the morning.” Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you’ve read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart’s Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff to “Barracuda.” Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?

Meh. Not a big fan of either, actually. The opening line, I guess, if I had to pick one.

 

  1. You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that—somewhere—your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill. Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?

I would leave, absolutely. I have learned to trust my gut feelings/intuitions, as they have been proven to be right much more often than wrong. Also, I’m not really a huge movie fan, anyway.

 

  1. You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, “I will now make them a dollar more attractive.” He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But—somehow—this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can’t deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though—you can only pay him once. You can’t keep giving him money until you’re satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front. How much cash do you give the wizard?

Every goddamn cent I’ve got on me. I’m ugly as sin; maybe that would make me tolerable.

 

  1. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly. What do you talk about?

This would be the loneliest banquet ever.

 

  1. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can’t talk and they can’t write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves). This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?

I think there would be a split in opinions. Some cats would be highly insulted by the caricature and would find it such an inaccurate depiction that they would purposefully destroy books of Garfield comics. I think other cats would find it hysterical and would love the depiction, regardless of if they found it accurate or not. Kind of like humans are split when it comes to that kind of thing.

 

15. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks. How do you spend the next fourteen days?

Waitwaitwait. Do I have to have this operation? Can I say no to it? I’d rather say “no” to it if I had the option. I’mma say “no” to it. FIGHT ME, KLOSTERMAN!

 

  1. Someone builds and optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it’s essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that—for some unknown reason—you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed. The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it?

Given what’s happened with me and baseball, this is actually not an entirely far-fetched scenario (though currently I have zero interest in hockey. BASEBALL 4 EVAR!). Sure, I’d watch it.

 

  1. You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town you’ve never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. “Be careful of that guy,” you are told. “He is a man with a past.” A few minutes later, a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. “Be careful of that guy, too,” he says. “He is a man with no past.” Which of these two people do you trust less?

The dude talking to me (can I pick him?). Can’t be suspicious of everyone, bro. And who the hell are you, anyway, to know all these sketchy buddies?

 

  1. You have won a prize. The prize has two options, and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon. Which option do you select?

Ten minutes on the moon. No question. UNLESS there was a guarantee that I could spend the whole year in Europe in Leibniz’ old house and prancing around the Leibniz museum. ‘Cause then Europe.

 

  1. Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don’t kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can’t tell them why. Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?

…do I have to explain it? What if I, like, kick the hell out of him and then pretend to be asleep as he’s waking up confused and in pain? If I have to explain it, I’d pretend to be in like a zombie sleep-walking mode and keep kicking random things until my friend “wakes me up.” Easy-peasy.

 

  1. For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as “brutally honest and relentlessly fair.” Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it. Which film would you be most interested in seeing?

I’d love to see the honest film. What do people really think of me? It’d probably be all negative, but that’s how I think of myself anyway, SO…

 

  1. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will re-experience your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you’ve learned form having lived your life previously. Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)?

Ugh, of all the possible wonderful things that could be asked regarding this scenario and it’s a question about losing my virginity? That’s the least important thing ever. I would care about my virginity in this scenario exactly as much as I care about it in real life. Which is not at all. Deal with it.

 

  1. You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two rumors circulating the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumor is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your married coworkers. This rumor is completely true, but most people don’t believe it. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumor is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual. Which of these two rumors is most troubling to you?

The sex one, because it’s the true one. I don’t think I could live with myself if I did that.

  1. Consider this possibility: Think about deceased TV star John Ritter. Now, pretend Ritter had never become famous. Pretend he was never affected by the trappings of fame, and try to imagine what his personality would have been like. Now, imagine that this person—the unfamous John Ritter—is a character in a situation comedy. Now, you are also a character in this sitcom, and the unfamous John Ritter character is your sitcom father. However, this sitcom is actually your real life. In other words, you are living inside a sitcom: Everything about our life is a construction, featuring the unfamous John Ritter playing himself (in the role of your TV father). But this is not a sitcom. This is your real life. How would you feel about this?

(Am I supposed to know who John Ritter is?)

I’mma replace John Ritter with Drew Carey, because a) I know who Drew Carey is, b) Drew Carey is badass, and c) Drew Carey actually looked a lot like my real dad when they were both a little younger, so yeah.

Anyway.

So this is like The Truman Show kind of a thing? I actually used to be really paranoid that everything in my life was “fake” like this…just a giant setup for the amusement of others. I actually don’t really mind. I’m cool with it. Also, if it’s a sitcom, things are probably all going to work out in the end, right?

Right.

Born n’ Bred, Poop n’ Fire

SURVEY

1. My uncle once : could pass for Saddam Hussein. Like, he could have been a double.
2. Never in my life : have I been able to smell.
3. When I was seventeen : I was a fool because I had yet to realize that I could record every single day of my life in a blog. I was a lot of other things, too, but that was the main one.
4. High School was : okay. Not too bad, not too great.
5. I will never forget : the Alamo.
6. I once met :  uh…who have I met that’s famous? Daniel Orozco! Does he count? He taught one of my English classes.
7. There’s this girl I know who :  would eat straight mayo. Like, she’d put it in a baggie, cut one of the corners off, and pipe it into her mouth. Miss you, Amy!
8. Once, at a bar :  nothing happened. ‘Cause I’ve never been to a bar.
9. By noon, I’m usually : 85% to 90% of the way through a 30-mile walk.
10. Last night :  I didn’t really get much of a chance to sleep.
11. If only I had :  infinite time to walk. Think how far I could go!
12. Next time I go to gym/church :  won’t happen for some time, most likely. Church hasn’t happened since like 7th grade, and why would I want to be bored in a gym when I can walk outside?
13. Susan Boyle : has an awesome voice.
14. What worries me most :  currently? Not knowing if I’m going to get to teach again in the fall. No one has told me yet. It’s scary.
15. When I turn my head left, I see :  Nate’s desk, the kitchen, my backpack, my book/trinket shelf, Jazzy.
16. When I turn my head right, I see : the wall. THRILLING
17. You know I’m lying when :  I’m not sure. I don’t know what my tell is.
18. What I miss most about the eighties :  80s clothes were cool. I didn’t get to experience them personally (unless you count 80s baby clothes), but I like the style.
19. If I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be :  I’d like to pretend I’d be someone cool, but I’d probably just be Tybalt or someone.
20. By this time next year :  I hope I have a teaching contract. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE
21. A better name for me would be :  Claudia Marie Bitchin’ McGee. We’ve been over this before.
22. I have a hard time understanding : algebra. Basic freaking algebra. ‘Tis hard for me.
23. If I ever go back to school, I’ll : be the happiest person ever. School rocks. I miss it.
24. You know I like you if : I make really dumb jokes around you.
25. If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be :  my mom.
26. When I compare 80’s rock to 90’s rock :  I don’t.
27. Take my advice, never :  try to walk with cardboard stilts. Hahaha, for some reason, that memory from high school just popped in my head and I remember how painful it was when one of the “stilts” collapsed and I was clinging to the top of a bathroom stall in order to not crash to the ground. High school was…interesting.
28. My ideal breakfast is :  nothing. Food is for midnight.
29. A song I love, but do not own is :  who knows? If I like a song, I get it somehow.
30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest : not taking any day trips to Pullman. They will make you assimilate and become a Coug fan. They will make you a Coug. Then they’ll feed you to the football team. Go Cougs.
32. Why won’t people : LEARN SIDEWALK ETIQUETTE HOLY ASS GOBLINS IT’S NOT THAT HARD TO BE A COURTEOUS PEDESTRIAN
33. If you spend the night at my house :  be prepared for Jazzy to follow you into the bathroom any time you went in there.
34. I’d stop my wedding for :  NOOOOOOTHIIIIING! Since it already happened. But I would have stopped it had either of us expressed any doubt about getting married.
35. The world could do without :  me.
36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than :  eat a cockroach?
37. My favorite blonde is :  can I say Skwisgaar, even though he’s fictional? Skwisgaar is awesome.
38: Paper clips are more useful than : not…having…any paperclips?
39. If I do anything well, it’s :  fail.
40. And by the way : Leibniz rules.

IIIIIIIIIIT’S SURVEY TIME

200: My celebrity crush’s name is: Leibniz. Yes, he’s a celebrity. Fight me.

199: I was born in: Moscow, Idaho. In a hospital.

198: I am really: quite a failure.

197: My cellphone company is: …what are they calling themselves now? Freedom? I think so.

196: My eye color is: Hazel, according to my driver’s license, but I think they’re more green.

195: My shoe size is: 8 in Kinvaras, 6-ish in every other shoe brand. Though maybe not anymore. Walking so much might have warped them forever.

194: My ring size is: hell if I know. Is “fat finger” a size?

193: My height is: S CR EW Y OU

192: I am allergic to: pineapple, an asthma medicine, and whatever the hell that tree was in our backyard up on Borah Ave.

191: My 1st car was: non-existent.

190: My 1st job was: Wendy’s. Not a bad job at all!

189: Last book you read: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh can’t remember. Sad, huh?

188: My bed is: pretty much 60% cat hair

187: My pet: is a JAZZY!

186: My best friend: does not exist. I don’t know if I’ve had an actual best friend since elementary school.

185: My favorite shampoo is: in a red bottle. Can’t remember it off the top of my head. Which is funny, ‘cause that’s where shampoo goes.

184: Xbox or ps3: Xbox.

183: Piggy banks are: a weird concept when you really think about it. Let’s feed this porcelain pig some metal and then SMASH IT TO GET THE METAL BACK

182: In my pockets: I DO NOT HAVE

181: On my calendar: cats

180: Marriage is: a wonderful thing if you’re with the right person.

179: Spongebob can: do a lot of things. Especially for a sponge.

178: My mom: is the best mom anyone could ever ask for.

177: The last three songs I bought were?  Whatever the last three days’ songs were. Too lazy to look.

176: Last YouTube video watched: the music video for The Royal Foundry’s Running Away.

175: How many cousins do you have? Fffffffffffive? I think?

174: Do you have any siblings? No, luckily.

173: Are your parents divorced? Yes.

172: Are you taller than your mom? I’m not taller than anyone.

171: Do you play an instrument?  I can play quite a few, yes.

170: What did you do yesterday? Walked. Hated myself. Tried not to die in the heat. The usual.

[ I Believe In ]

169: Love at first sight: I never really used to, but then NATE HAPPENED so now I do.

168: Luck: Yes.

167: Fate: Yes.

166: Yourself: HAH. No.

165: Aliens: Sure.

164: Heaven: Only if Leibniz is there.

163: Hell: Vancouver?

162: God: Nope.

161: Horoscopes: Horoscopes are fun, but I don’t really believe in them.

160: Soul mates: I never really used to, but then NATE HAPPENED so now I do.

156: Orbs: Orbs?

155: Magic: No.

[ This or That ]

154: Hugs or Kisses: Hugs.

153: Drunk or High: Ew, neither.

152: Phone or Online: ONLINE, PLEASE

151: Red heads or Black haired: Black.

150: Blondes or Brunettes: Blondes.

149: Hot or cold: Cold, though I hate both.

148: Summer or winter: Summer, bitches.

147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn.

146: Chocolate or vanilla: If it’s ice cream, vanilla. If it’s pretty much anything else, chocolate.

145: Night or Day: Day.

144: Oranges or Apples: Apples. Oranges are evil.

143: Curly or Straight hair: I’ve always liked straight hair, but that might just be envy.

142: McDonalds or Burger King: McDonald’s.

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: White chocolate is creepy. Milk chocolate all the way.

140: Mac or PC: PC.

139: Flip flops or high heels: KINVARAS, YOU HEATHENS

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Like…physically ugly or personality ugly? If physical, then ugly and rich. I can’t get much uglier than I am right now, anyway. But if personality ugly, then sweet and poor.

137: Coke or Pepsi: KINVARAS, YOU HEATHENS

136: Hillary or Obama: Really?

135: Buried or cremated: Cremated and strewn about Leibniz’ gravesite. I’m not obsessed at all.

134: Singing or Dancing: Singing is wonderful.

133: Coach or Chanel: Don’t care.

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Who?

131: Small town or Big city: I love cities.

130: Wal-Mart or Target: Walmart, easy.

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Ben Stiller.

128: Manicure or Pedicure: I’ve never had either one.

127: East Coast or West Coast: West coast.

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas.

125: Chocolate or Flowers: Chocolate!

124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney.

123: Yankees or Red Sox: METS

[ Here’s What I Think About ]

122: War: What is it good for?

121: George Bush: What is it good for?

120: Gay Marriage: A-okay.

119: The presidential election: The most recent one? Horrible. America, I am disappoint.

118: Abortion:  I am pro-choice.

117: MySpace: The original home of my blog!

116: Reality TV: Meh.

115: Parents: Mine are great!

113: Ebay: I used to be obsessed with eBay. Not so much anymore.

112: Facebook: A stalker’s best friend.

111: Work: I love teaching…let’s hope I get to do more of it.

110: My Neighbors: Are people I don’t know at all.

109: Gas Prices: I don’t pay much attention to them because 1) I don’t have a car and 2) prices are meaningless to me up here because they’re expressed in “Canadian metric dollars per beaver liter, eh?” or some other conversion that makes no sense to me.

108: Designer Clothes: Pretty and weird, but WAY too expensive.

107: College: Fun!

106: Sports: Baseball only!

105: My family: Yay!

104: The future: I’m nervous about a lot of it, but some of it I’m looking forward to.

[ Last time I ]

103: Hugged someone: Today!

102: Last time you ate: A night or so ago? The days all blend with this walking schedule, haha.

101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: I saw my mom in May. I hadn’t seen her in a while.

100: Cried in front of someone: I was crying yesterday while I was walking. Not sure how many people saw/cared, though.

99: Went to a movie theater: Not too long ago.

98: Took a vacation: I’d say going back to Moscow was a vacation.

97: Swam in a pool: Loooooong time ago.

96: Changed a diaper: I’ve never changed a diaper and plan to never have to.

95: Got my nails done: Never.

94: Went to a wedding: Last July. It was my own!

93: Broke a bone: Never.

92: Got a piercing: 2008, getting my industrial.

91: Broke the law: I jaywalk like a madman.

90: Texted: Today.

[ MISC ]

89: Who makes you laugh the most: My mom’s pretty funny.

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: Nate. Jazzy. Calgary.

87: The last movie I saw: Hahaha can’t remember.

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Seeing my mom in August!

85: The thing im not looking forward to: Pretty much everything else.

84: People call me: FART CANNON

83: The most difficult thing to do is: Trust the drivers around here. How many times have I almost gotten hit by a car while walking? Too many. Too many times.

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: Never.

81: My zodiac sign is: Aquarius.

80: The first person i talked to today was: Nate.

79: First time you had a crush: Fifth grade, though that whole thing was more than a crush.

76: Right now I am talking to: No one. It’s 4 AM.

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: I AM grown up! I teach stats. Or I did. I hope I still do.

74: I have/will get a job: I have a job. Or I did. I hope I still do.

73: Tomorrow: Is TIME FOR MOAR WALKING

72: Today: Was a day off from walking. 30 miles a day is hard, yo.

71: Next Summer: Will hopefully be similar to this summer. Wonderful job for the first half, walking ALL THE TIME for the second half.

70: Next Weekend: Is for walking.

69: I have these pets: A Jazzy.

68: The worst sound in the world: Babies/kids crying. I know that sound is supposed to be irritating to make a parent tend to the kid, but no. No. Throw me in the ocean.

67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Me. I’m a worthless bag of terribleness.

66: People that make you happy: Nate, my mom, my old band friends, my old roommates.

65: Last time I cried: Yesterday.

64: My friends are: Few and far between.

63: My computer is: My bro.

62: My School: I don’t go to school anymore, but I work at one!

61: My Car: No car for me.

60: I lose all respect for people who: Are mean/abusive to cats. Go fly into the sun.

59: The last movie I cried at was: Sunshine? Sunshine hurts my soul in the best way.

58: Your hair color is: Black.

57: TV shows you watch: Nothing consistently. I will binge watch Metalocalypse on my computer every once and a while, though.

56: Favorite web site: Certainly not that garbage blog, Eigenblogger! Who is the loser that runs that thing, anyway?

55: Your dream vacation: The Leibniz museum in Hanover. You could not get me to leave.

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: Appendicitis was pretty painful.

53: How do you like your steak cooked: Well done. Fight me, it’s a legit way to cook it. I’d rather not be eating blood, thanks.

52: My room is: Okay.

51: My favorite celebrity is: IT’S STILL LEIBNIZ!

50: Where would you like to be: Walking, haha.

49: Do you want children: GOD NO

48: Ever been in love: I’m in love right now!

47: Who’s your best friend: I don’t have one.

46: More guy friends or girl friends: Probably guy friends, though I don’t have many friends at all right now.

45: One thing that makes you feel great is: Walking!

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: My mom.

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: It’s hard to have a 5-year plan when your job is currently semester-to-semester, though I’d like to think that will change sometime soon.

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: I did once. I have no idea what was on it now.

41: Have you pre-named your children: You mean the children that will never, ever be brought into existence? Yes. And part of the reason why I shouldn’t have children is because of the ridiculous names I’d give them.

40: Last person I got mad at: Myself.

39: I would like to move to: Bah. I wanna stay in Calgary.

38: I wish I was a professional: Leibniz researcher. That’s probably the only thing better than being a stats instructor for me.

[ My Favorites ]

37: Candy: Peanut M&Ms. Not even a contest.

36: Vehicle: Those Jeeps with the plastic backs.

35: President: MILLARD FILLMORE

34: State visited: California’s cool if you go to the right places (read: anywhere but San Francisco)

33: Cellphone provider: Meh.

32: Athlete: I don’t know if I have one. Evgeni Plushenko is a badass.

31: Actor: Tom Hanks?

30: Actress: I’m not sure. I always thought Michelle Trachtenberg was very cool and pretty.

29: Singer: I’m not sure.

28: Band: Probably Coldplay.

27: Clothing store: Does Goodwill count?

26: Grocery store: CANADIAN SUPERSTORE

25: TV show: Metalocalypse. I will always love Metalocalypse.

24: Movie: Sunshine.

23: Website: Wasn’t this already a question?

22: Animal: Cat.

21: Theme park: Is Silverwood a theme park?

20: Holiday: The most important holiday of all: Groundhog’s Day.

19: Sport to watch: Baseball.

18: Sport to play: I haven’t played sports in a long time.

17: Magazine: I used to read Time.

16: Book: The Caine Mutiny.

15: Day of the week: I like Tuesdays. I have no idea why.

14: Beach: Don’t have one.

13: Concert attended: The only one I’ve been to is OK Go, so…OK Go.

12: Thing to cook: My broccoli and penne thing I’ve been making for dinner since 2010.

11: Food: Anything plain.

10: Restaurant: Either Cougar Country or Mongolian BBQ.

9: Radio station: I always liked 106.3 in Moscow.

8: Yankee candle scent: Hah.

7: Perfume: HAH.

6: Flower: Sunflower? I dunno.

5: Color: Orange.

4: Talk show host: No idea.

3: Comedian: Brian Regan!

2: Dog breed: I’ve always liked golden retrievers.

1: did you answer all these truthfully ? WHO KNOWS?!?!?!

Is it a survey? OF COURSE IT IS WHAT ELSE IS THIS GARBAGE BLOG FOR

Warning: I’m in a caps lock mood, so be prepared.

What is the color of the last towel you used?
Tan.

Are you listening to music right now?
I’m blasting the hell out of my eardrums with the Planet Earth II Suite. It’s such a good song.

If so, whatcha listening to?
CRAP I DIDN’T SEE THIS QUESTION BEFORE RESPONDING TO THE PREVIOUS ONE I MESSED UP BIG TIME

Would you rather have a hippo or rhino dropped on you?
A hippo, but only if it’s hungry hungry.

Do you walk a lot?
Bitch, pls.

If you’re still in school, what number is your locker?
GOD I MISS SCHOOL

What color is it?
SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Do you have any super silly nicknames?
I’m Claudia Marie Bitchin’ McGee, but that’s not a nickname.
That’s a responsibility.

Have you ever heard of the Japanese snack Yan Yan?
Nope.

Do you watch sports?
Baseball!

Which ones, if any?
SHIT I DID IT AGAIN

Do you enjoy the great outdoors?
I appreciate the mediocre outdoors.

Do you like cream soda?
Ew.

Is there anyone who hates you?
Probably.

What color is your cell phone?
Blue!

How does your hair look right now?
Awful.

Are you on any medications?
Nope.

What is the last piece of mail you received?
No idea. Probably something from RBC or CIBC.

How about e-mail?
Probably a question from a student.

Who is your 15th contact in your phone?
I don’t have that many contacts.

Name something you like about school.
E V E R Y T H I N G

Do you eat meat, or are you a vegetarian?
I will eat meat, but I don’t ever eat it unless it’s at a restaurant or something. I never cook it on my own.

Have you ever cried in front of a teacher?
I’ve cried in front of everyone.

Have you ever cried BECAUSE of a teacher?
Oh yeah.

Do you do a :) or a (:?
(: is the most uncomfortable thing on the planet to look at.

Do you have a Facebook?
Yup.

Do you go on it often, if you do?
I stalk people, but I never post anymore.

What is the closest gas station to you?
That Shell across the street.

Who did you last see in concert?
OK Go!

What grade are you in?
Can we stop with the school questions? It’s making me feel nostalgic and sad.

Are paper clips fun to play with?
Meh.

Can you speak any other language?
I know some sign language. And I can fingerspell.

Do you prefer mechanical pencils or regular pencils?
Mechanical.

Do you have a job?
Yup!

What’s your job?
Stats instructor at U of C. Best job ever.

Do you take advil, tylenol, or ibuprofen?
Ibuprofen, but only when I’m really hurting.

Do you enjoy classic rock?
Sure.

Have you ever heard of the band Citizen Cope?
Yes.

Is your alarm clock set right now?
Nope.

What kind of music do you listen to the most?
Anything that catches my fancy. I’ve broadened my musical tastes a lot with this “Decade of Music” project.

If you witnessed a crime, would you call the police right away?
Depends on the crime. Littering? Nah, I’d just clean up the mess. Murder? Nah, I’d just clean up the mess. Yes.

Are you itchy right now?
Nope.

Do you like pine trees, or do think the sap is too annoying?
Trees are gods DO NOT INSULT THEIR ZEUS JUICE

Mountains or beach?
Beach, just because I like the sound of the ocean.

Are your walls blank or covered with pictures/posters?
Blank, except for Leibniz.

Have you ever tried veggie burgers?
Nope.

Do you have anything on your wrists?
I have six (yes, six) hair ties on my left wrist right now.

Do you have a mirror in the room you are in?
No.

Have you ever had corn nuts?
Hell yeah! I used to eat them while playing Moto Racer when I was a kid.

Do you smoke?
Nope.

What is your favorite shape?
Triangle.

Who did you last kiss?
My wonderful husband.

Do you have any favorite accessories?
Meh.

What color are your sheets?
…are they striped? Why the hell can’t I remember the sheets?

What time did you wake up this morning?
Too early.

Did you take a nap today?
Nope.

Would you rather get a tattoo of a face or a name?
Name.

Do you get a lot of sleep at night?
I never get a lot of sleep.

What was the last flavor of ice cream you ate?
Uhhhhhh…Oreo?

Where were you an hour ago?
Walking.

When’s the last time you got a haircut?
I sawed off a bunch of my hair not too long ago.

Anything good in your cabinets?
More half-empty pasta boxes than there are atoms in our solar system.

How old are you?
29.

Cupcakes or muffins?
Muffins, but only poppy seed.

Are pigs adorable or dirty?
Pigs are coolio.

What color are your shoelaces?
Purplish-pink.

Anything moldy in your house?
Don’t think so.

Have you ever been in an earthquake?
No.

Do you enjoy history?
Sure. I don’t know enough of it, but I enjoy it.

How much time do you spend on Facebook?
More than I should.

What internet browser do you use?
Chrome.

Do you work full-time or part-time?
Technically part time, but I’ve been working ALL THE DAMN TIME THIS SEMESTER

Do you believe in Santa Claus?
Santa’s a badass.

When is the last time you yawned?
Haha, just now. THANKS, QUESTION

Do you wear a lot of makeup?
Not a lot.

Do you wanna learn any other languages?
I would love to be fluent in sign language.

Have you been outside your native country?
I am right now!

What is the worst pain you’ve ever experienced?
Appendicitis?

Are you a confident person?
Hahaha, I thought that said “are you a confident pizza,” and I was like no, my toppings are insecurity and “STOP STARING AT ME I’M NOT A SIDESHOW”

Do you own a laptop or desktop?
Both!

What’s the temperature outside?
No idea.

Did you get hit by any hurricanes?
Hahaha. If we ever did up here, something’s gone terribly wrong.

Could you ever be a mortician?
Sure.

Are you pumped up about anything?
Not right now.

Can you solve a Rubik’s cube?
Never tried.

What color hair do you have?
Black.

Have you ever eaten a bug?
By accident.

What color are your kitchen walls painted?
Yellowish.

ZOOM ZOOM I’M A BROOM

1. if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read?
The Great Gatsby (in order to get an idea of what I think is beautiful writing and storytelling)

2. have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?
I doubt it.

3. do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better?
It’s not bad. I always thought “Claudia” sounded like a kid’s name, but it’s not bad. There’s also not too many of us out there, so that’s nice.

4. do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?
I thought that said “human DONG” for a second and was REALLY CONFUSED

5. are you religious/spiritual?
Neither. And I’m wary of that whole “I’m spiritual but not religious” thing. What does that even mean?

6. do you care about your ethnicity?
Not particularly. It’s nothing too special.

7. what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?
I don’t think I’ve ever really felt connected to any musical artists. I like a good deal of artists, but I don’t feel connected to any of them in particular.

8. are you an artist?
Depends on how you define it. Do I “art” for a living? Not remotely. Do I draw garbage psychedelic nonsense that’s Too Deep To Handle™ and pretend I’m Dali or something? You betcha.

9. do you have a creed?
CAN YOU TAAAAAAKE MEEEEE HIIIIIIGHER

10. describe your ideal day.
Leibniz, age 47 or so, magically reincarnates in my general vicinity. The magical reincarnation made it so that he can speak English and he’s like “yoooooo the modern world is terrifying, won’t someone help calm me down by explaining all this crazy stuff I see?” I jet over to him and, as calmly as possible, hurl myself at him lick his wig bask in his amazingness and offer to help him out. I buy him a pair of glasses so that he can actually see. He’s amazed and captivated and curious, as I suspect he always was when he was alive before, and I have to make sure he doesn’t pass out from excitement/dehydration/hunger as he explores everything. I show him a calculator. I show him computers. I show him a modern calculus book. I buy him some modern clothes (because for some reason Leibniz wearing H&M fashion is just a little notion I had a while back and now I can’t get rid of it). I make him get vaccinated if he’s going to be around in the modern world for a while. We make use of the wonders of indoor plumbing. I take him to a restaurant and buy him some modern food. We ride the bus and the C-Train. I take him to Chinatown (Leibniz was a major Sinophile). I take him to the airport and show him that humans can fly through the air now. Hell, I buy us plane tickets and we jet over to Vancouver just for fun. But then we come right back because it’s probably raining over there and can you imagine how heavy a water-logged wig must be? We go to a used bookstore so that he can see what books are like nowadays and I buy him anything that catches his interest. We climb to the top of Nose Hill Park and watch the sun set over downtown’s tall buildings. I listen to his amazement and excitement regarding everything he’s seen throughout the day. We look at the stars through a telescope. We speculate about what’s left to discover in the universe. We sit together in wonderful silence. And once he’s finally worn out, I let him crash on the spare bed, making sure to note which pillow he uses, because THAT thing is going to be hermetically sealed and treasured forever one he’s done with it. And if he’s still there in the morning, we do it all over again.

Hey, you said ideal, not realistic.

11. dog person or cat person?
Cat person, definitely.

12. inside or outdoors?
Unless I’m walking, I’d prefer to be indoors.

13. are you a musician?
I can play a few instruments and can read music quite well, but that’s about the extent of it. So…sorta?

14. five most influential books over your lifetime.
In no particular order:
The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald). I love how subtle this book is. I don’t know if “subtle” is the right word or how anyone else would describe it, but I always got this real subtle vibe from it. Also, wonderful language and characters.
Leibniz: An Intellectual Biography (Antognazza). I somehow managed to gain even more respect for Leibniz after reading this very thorough bio.
Candide (Voltaire). This was the book that got me interested in the European Enlightenment as a whole thing, which got me into philosophy and a lot of other topics that I probably never would have been interested in otherwise.
Lolita (Nabokov). NNNNNNNNNNNNG THE WRITING, OMFG. The writing is beautiful. There were literally some sentences paragraphs that made me sit back and just shiver.
The Monadology (Leibniz). Self-explanatory.

15. if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?
Hahaha, probably not. Even just one or two changes in my past environments would have put me at a completely different place as a person.

16. which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?
BAH.

17. would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?
I’d rather be in Calgary.

18. list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order.
Being anxious, walking, working, internetting, listening to music

19. could you live as a hermit?
I would be sad to be without Nate and my mom and Jazzy.

20. on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?
Haha, like a 7.

Boastful Ghost Toast

R U REDDY 4 A SURVAY?

Me too. Let’s go.

What is your favorite condiment to go with french fries?
Can salt count?

What is a field of study that is of your interest?
Like all of them, haha. Stats, math, philosophy, English, etc

Do you like to eat stir fry?
Only when there are certain things in it. Stir-fried veggies are great.

What do you have a habit of doing when engaging in a conversation with someone?
I cross my arms. It’s like the worst body language you can have while talking to someone because it makes it look like you’re closed off/bored/impatient/wanting to leave, but that’s all I can think of to do with my arms.

Does it bother you when someone cuts you off while walking?
MAN, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Peoples’ walking etiquette is awful and everything is awful.

What color is your mp3?
White/silver.

Have you ever laid in a hammock?
Probably.

What time of day do you feel mostly at peace?
Never. Peace is not for me.

How has the weather been treating you lately?
SCREW THIS WEATHER, MAN. It’s been incredibly cold for the past like 5 months, and now it’s rainy/windy/STILL SNOWING. Screw this weather, man.

Have you ever lost a pet in a tragic way? How did you cope?
Any death of a pet is tragic. But I remember when I was young my cat Wooder died on my bed. It was dark and I couldn’t see, but I could hear her dying and was very, very frightened.

What type of curtains do you like?
Um…the ones that cover windows?

What can you go a day without doing?
Having food. Food is for mortals.

What can’t you go a day without doing?
Lately? Crying.

What is your ideal weekend like?
Ideal? One of the two days would involve a nice long rain-free, sunburn-free walk with Nate; the other day would involve a nice long rain-free, sunburn-free walk (or run, whichever) by myself, plus some time to work on school stuff. Both days would involve watching baseball and hanging out with my wonderful husband.

Who do you spend most of your time with?
Nate!

Are you into Graphic Novels?
No, surprisingly. You’d think I would be, though, huh?

Do you have a favorite classical composer?
I’m a traitor if I don’t say Mahler, but I really love Holst.

What type of quality is a must have in a friend?
A similar sense of humor.

Are you any good at reading someone’s body language?
I’d like to say I am, but I’m also the worst at everything, so…

Where is the farthest you have traveled?
Stockholm, Sweden. Or Helsinki. I think Helsinki is further away from Moscow.

Have you ever ate a zucchini?
Not raw. I’ve had zoodles, though!

What type of art would you hang up in your room?
Anything colorful! Or anything Dali, Monet, or Mondrian.

What goes good with a nice cold glass of milk?
Milk is always good after having something super salty, like salty French fries.

What fruit is too sweet to you?
“Too sweet?” That’s a thing?

Can you whistle an entire song?
Damn straight.

When’s the last time you ate a pickle?
I’ve never had a pickle.

What’s that you’re listening to?
The fridge having an anxiety attack in the kitchen.

Was the last thing you drank a coke or pepsi product?
Dasani is Coke, right?

How many times is your cartilage pierced in your ears?
Five times. Two regular lobe piercings, an extra lobe piercing, and two for the industrial.

What are your pet’s names?
Jazzy, Franklin, and Annabelle (Raymond Cat is not a pet. He’s a lion.)

Do you need to take a smoke break right now?
Smoking is dumb.

Have you ever had a pet bird?
Franklin is definitely more Nate’s pet than mine (he’s still a little wary of me).

Honestly, do you think that you’re going to be an overprotective parent?
The only things I ever plan to parent are cats. And yes, I can be a little overprotective at times.

What was the last kind of chips you ate?
Nate lets me have one of his round tortilla chips when he has those, so one of those.

Would you rather have ice cream, freeze pops, or popsicles in the summer?
Ice cream sounds SO GOOD right now, holy crapples.

What kind of relationship do you have with the last person you kissed?
A fantastic one. It’s almost like we’re married or something.

What color are your toenails right now?
They aren’t painted.

When was the last time you clipped your nails?
Like a week ago. My toenails were stabbing through my socks.

Does your mouse have a wheel to scroll with?
Yup.

What is one thing that you really wish you could understand, but don’t?
Physics. That’s mainly because I haven’t taken a physics class past high school, but still.

What were your grades on the last report card you received?
It’s been over 10 years since I got a report card, yo. I’m old.

What temperature do you like to keep your room at?
The hotter the better, excepts when I’m sleeping.

What is the brightest object you can see by just looking around the room you’re in?
The lamp right next to me.

Have you ever been tutored or tutored someone yourself?
I’m pretty sure I’ve never been tutored, but I’ve tutored a few other people, mainly informally, in stats.

Would you rather wear necklaces, bracelets, rings, or earrings?
Earrings.

Where did you receive your last receipt from?
Safeway. Bought broccoli.

What was the last thing you said out loud (singing doesn’t count)?
“I love you.”

Is everything you have on actually yours?
Um, yes?

When was the last time you wore a band-aid and why?
Jazzy caught her nail in the skin of my finger and ripped a huge gash in it. I didn’t bleed, but thought a band aid would be wise.

When was the last time you had tea?
A long time ago. I need to get back in the green tea game.

Do you ever watch those cake shows on the Food Network?
I never used to, but lately I’ve been going to Anytime Fitness during the time that Food Network has “Cake Wars” on. It’s actually more enjoyable to watch than I thought it would be.

Is it annoying when sites have a music player on their profile?
Yes.

Are you failing any classes?
Nope! Impossible.

What do/did you have plan for Spring Break?
What the hell did I even do for spring break? I probably just worked, eh? I can’t remember.

When was the last time you used a calculator?
Today.

Are you wearing pants?
Pajama pants, yes.

Have you ever encountered a ghost?
Who knows?

What was the reason why you stayed after school for?
Like, as in detention? I was making fun of perfect squares in 8th grade.

Does your school ever have bonfires?
U of I did for homecoming.

Would you rather be at the beach right now?
Not particularly, no.

Don’t you just hate it when you run out of hot water while you were in the middle of taking a hot shower?
That’s never happened to me.

Chocolate or vanilla cupcake?
Chocolate.

Do you know any parent that lets their kids smoke or drink?
Probably.

It’s another survey because I HAVE NO LIFE

The Getting to Know You Questions

What is your occupation right now? How long have you been there?
I’m a stats instructor at the University of Calgary! I’ve had the job for about 8 months now.

Favorite rock band. Ever.
I’m not super into any particular rock band, actually. Does Queen count as rock? If so, Queen.

What are you listening to right now?|
Nothing. It’s super late at night (early in the morning?) and everything’s nice and quiet.

Last person you spoke to on the phone. What was it about?
I talked to my mom about all the usual things. Particularly how much we both want to see each other and sad we both are. Fun stuff like that.

How old are you today? Or make up a question. This one bites.
29 years, 3 months, and 18 days old.

What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?
Baseball! Almost everything else sucks.

What is your favorite drink?
Water. Exciting, huh?

Have you ever dyed your hair?
In 2007, I bought some “temporary” red dye and put a bit of it in my hair. Turns out that L’Oréal thinks that “temporary” is a synonym of “forever” because that dye ate my natural hair color and took over like some sort of creepy follicle parasite. I actually had to dye my hair black to get the red out, haha.

Favorite food?
Either broccoli or M&Ms. Tough decision.

What is the last movie you watched?
Man, I don’t remember. I barely remember my own name sometimes.

Favorite day of the year?
Like…a specific date or a specific day on which something happens? I don’t know. I’ll just say my birthday.

How do you vent anger?
Angrily.
It’s mostly crying. And sometimes yelling if I’m in a private enough place. But mostly crying. Hell, if you ever see me crying, the chances of it being angry crying rather than sad crying are probably like 70%.

What was your favorite toy as a child?
When I was a baby/toddler, I had a squeaky dog toy that was a green wrench. Its name was Wrenchie, of course.
When I was a little older, I had a herd of 26 cheeping Easter chick toys. One for each letter of the alphabet. Adam, Bill, Candy, David, Ed, Fred, Greg, Herbert, Ivan, Jacob, Kiwi, Lena, Marie, Nelson, Opus, Peachy, Quince, Rachel, Sylvester, Tom, Ursula, Veronica, Walter, Xena, Yvonne, Zachary. I loved those chicks, yo.

Living arrangements? (Of course your pets count. Geez!)
I live with my wonderful husband in our awesome condo. We’ve got a Franklin bird and a Jazzy cat.

What was the last thing that you cried about?
My being a failure.

Who is the friend you have had the longest?
I don’t know if he considers me a friend anymore (I haven’t seen him in person in a long time), but I guess technically my answer should be Aneel. I actually knew him in preschool.

What did you do last night?
The usual. Hung out and did useless stuff on the internet. Because I’m a useless blob of blobness.

What are you most afraid of?
I’m not afraid of much, but probably the thing I’m most afraid of is one of my loved ones (my mom, Nate, Jazzy) getting hurt.

In how many areas of your country have you lived? What’s your favorite?
I’ve lived in two countries!
US: Northern Idaho and Tucson, AZ
Canada: Vancouver, Toronto area (London specifically), Calgary
Calgary has been my favorite, but I will always love Moscow.

What is your favorite flower?
Half of the appeal of flowers is lost on me because I can’t smell them. Sunflowers are cool. Dandelions aren’t bad either, even though they’re evil.

Have a thing because SCREW IT

It’s a survey because I’m 110% done with life and I hate life and I hate everything and surveys are the only thing that deaden the pain.

(Emo Claudia is emo.)

If you could spend a week anywhere in the world, where would it be and why? Would you take anyone with you?
Probably Hanover, because I’m totally not obsessed with Leibniz at all. I’d like to take Nate, but I don’t know if he could handle all the Leibniz obsession.

What is your preferred writing implement? (eg. Blue pen, pencil, green pen)
My four-color Bic pen. Love that thing.

Favourite month and why?
February, ‘cause birthday.

Do you have connections to any celebrities (even minor)? List them.
Not that I’m aware of.

Name 3 items you could pick up from where you are.
My computer mouse, my keyboard, the fake plant on my desk. Pretty boring.

What brand logo is closest to you currently?
LG.

Do you ever play board games or other non-computer games? Got any favourites?
Scrabble rules the universe.

A musical artist you love that isn’t well known
I have no idea if Cut Copy is considered well-known or not, but I’ll choose them.

A musical artist you love that is well known
I love Coldplay. Can’t get enough Coldplay.

What is your desktop background currently?
It’s a Clefairy!

Last person you talked to?
Nate!

First colour name you can think of that isn’t in the rainbow
Pink

What timekeeping devices are in the room you are currently in?
The clock on the wall, the clock on my compy, my phone, the other clock on the wall, the stove clock, the microwave clock.

What kind of headphones do you use?
My everyday/walking headphones are Koss KPH7. They’re like $5 at Walmart and have super good quality sound for the price. They’re also pretty durable.
My high-quality headphones are Sennheiser HD 231i. Non-muddled sound quality that is also not too bass-heavy? Yay!

What musical artists have you seen perform live?
OK Go!

Does virginity matter to you?
Nah.

What gaming consoles do you or your family own?
Of the ones that are not in the closet: Xbox 360, Xbox One.

What pets do you have? What are their names?
JAZZY! She’s a sweetie. Have a picture.

What’s the best job you’ve ever had?
My current one! I love teaching statistics. LOVE it.

What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
That damn summer custodian job at the U of I. I didn’t mind the work itself, but the disorganization made me want to throw up from rage.

What magazines do you read, if any?
I don’t read any magazines.

Inspiration behind your blog title?
I used to be Le Seul Mot Juste, but Eigenblogger is a lot less pretentious and a lot more memorable, in my opinion.

Favourite item of clothing?
My lime green pants.

Are you friends with any exes?
I’m friends with Matt! I’d be friends with Aaron if I knew where he was, haha. Rob? Nnnno.

What’s your native language? If that language has distinct regional variations, which variation?
I speak ‘Murican.

Is there anything hanging on the walls of the room you are currently in?
There’s a Leibniz poster above me. There’s a Monet painting and a few clocks, too.

What’s your favourite number, and why?
Probably 11. I like numbers that have the same digit multiple times, and 11 is the first one of those.

What did you have for dinner yesterday?
I didn’t have dinner yesterday.

What’s your favourite candy/chocolate?
Peanut M&Ms. It’s not even a contest.

Have you had other blogs on Tumblr? Do you have any other blogs currently?
Can you tell I lifted this from Tumblr? I consider Eigenblogger my primary blog, but I do have a Tumblr. No other blogs, though.

If you were suddenly really hungry, what would you choose to eat?
Right now? Cheese.

If you could study anything, what would it be?
E V E R Y T H I N G

Do you use anything on your lips? (eg. Chapstick, gloss, balm, lipstick)
Vaseline. It’s the only thing that works for me.

What things annoy you more than anything else?
People who suck at walking, people who don’t know how to use the crosswalk buttons, people using Twitter like idiots, the current “all yoga pants all the time” fashion.

What kind of position are you in at the moment?
Just sitting in my computer chair.

Do you wear much jewellery?
Nope. Just my wedding ring (which is usually on a chain around my neck) and sometimes earrings.

What do you carry your money in?
…A wallet?

Do you enjoy driving? Why or why not?
It’s been a long time since I personally have driven a car. I don’t mind it, no, as long as we can listen to my music.

Furthest away from home you have ever been?
Stockholm, Sweden.

How many times have you moved house?
MAN, DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED

How many devices do you own which can access the internet?
Five?

Is there is anything that is guaranteed to always make you happy?
Not lately, no.

What programs do you currently have open?
Chrome (6 tabs), Word, the calculator, The Sims.

What do you associate the colour red with?
Ambition.

Last strong smell you can remember smelling?
SCREW YOU

Last healthy thing you ate?
Is a pita healthy? If not, broccoli.

Do you drink tea or coffee, and how much per day?
None.

What do you associate the colour blue with?
Melancholy.

How long is the closest ruler you can find?
Six inches. I’ve got my drawing crap in the drawer next to me.

What colour pants/skirt/etc are you currently wearing?
I’m wearing my blue Hello Kitty jammies.

When was the last time you drank water?
Yesterday? I’m a camel.

How often do you clear your browser history?
Ha. Never.

Do you believe nude photos can be artistic, rather than erotic?
Duh.

Ever written fanfiction for anything?
Ha. Yes. Technically I wrote my first bit of fanfiction in first grade. For Star Wars.

Last formal event you attended
Haha, probably my wedding!

If you had to move your birthday to another date, which one would you choose and why?
February 29th, because that’d be cool.

Would you prefer to be at a beach or in the countryside?
Beach.

Roughly how many people live in your town?
I think it’s like 1.2 million or so.

Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Mayor Nenshi! How badass is that?

Favourite place to shop? Can be a certain store or a place where there are multiple stores
If I say Walmart, am I automatically white trash?

Do you have a smartphone? What kind? If you don’t, do you want one?
It’s a Samsung Galaxy S6. It’s pretty awesome.

What is your least favourite colour, and why?
I abhor red-orange. Red is cool, orange is the best, but I really just hate anything in between the two.

How do you spell grey/gray?
Gray.

Go to your dashboard and describe the image shown in the radar section (below the “Find blogs” link)
[UGH FINE I’LL LOG ONTO TUMBLR JEEZ]
It’s a bunch of fluttering hearts. Like glitter hearts.

What difference is there between how many followers you have, and the number of blogs you follow?
50 – 50 = 0. I should win a prize!

How many posts do you have?
299.

How many posts have you liked?
208.

Do you post mainly reblogs, or your own content?
Mostly reblogs.

Do you track any tags?
Anosmia, Achievement Hunter, Metalocalypse.

What time is it currently?
3:09 AM.

Is there anything you should be doing right now?
Making dinner.

balls b-b-balls b-balls b-balls balls

I feel like a box of farts. Have a survey that I didn’t take seriously at all.

A – AGE: Over NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAND

B – BIGGEST FEAR: Fear

C – CURRENT TIME: 12:40 AM

D – DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Water. I live on the edge. H2Whoa.

E – EVERY DAY STARTS WITH: Not wanting to wake up. And a very clingy, purry kitty.

F – FAVORITE SONG: It’s really hard to pick. So I’ll use this as an opportunity to plug the first five-star of 2017: Infectious by Tobu. So good. 

G – GHOSTS, ARE THEY REAL: I am one. OH SHIT NO WAIT YOU DIDN’T HEAR THAT FROM ME I WAS JUST KIDDING HAHAHAHA I GOT YOU DIDN’T I

H – HOMETOWN: The ‘Scow.

I – IN LOVE WITH: My wonderful husband.

J – JEALOUS OF: A lot of people, unfortunately.

K – KILLED SOMEONE: Hahaha. Nope.

L – LAST TIME YOU CRIED: Earlier today while I was walking. Because a rock got in my shoe. That’s how emotionally stable I am right now.

M – MIDDLE NAME: Cap’n Butts

N – NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: I have a brother in law now, which is just wild.

O – ONE WISH: INFINITE WISHES no not really. I’m in a super morbid mood right now, so let’s say I’d wish to see how/when I die. I wouldn’t be able to change it, just see it. I think that would probably change my life quite a bit.

P – PERSON YOU LAST CALLED/TEXTED: My mom

Q– QUESTION YOU’RE ALWAYS ASKED: “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” Stop asking. I don’t know.

R – REASON TO SMILE: I’ve had the “Dayman” song from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia stuck in my head all day.

S – SONG LAST SANG: I sang along with Ashlee Simpson’s Pieces of Me a few days ago, because I love that song.

T – TIME YOU WOKE UP: Like 11, haha.

U – UNDERWEAR COLOR: BLACK LIKE MY SOUL (they’re actually white. Like my soul.)

V – VACATION DESTINATION: HANOVER!

W – WORST HABIT: Can rage be a habit?

X – X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: Apart from teeth x-rays, I had one on my lower leg thanks to high school PE. We were playing a game called “wombat” and someone threw the (padded) bat so that it ended up hitting me in the tibia. There was no fracture or anything, but that part of my leg still hurts every once and awhile.

Y – YOUR FAVORITE FOOD: Either broccoli or peanut M&Ms.

Z – ZODIAC SIGN: Aquarius

Sometimes you take a survey. Other times the survey takes you. (I took a survey.)

Have I done this one before? Maybe. Am I gonna do it again? Yes.

01:   Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
I do indeed. I love my mom and dad. They’re both weird and wonderful in their own ways.

02:   Who did you last say “I love you” to?
Nate!

03:   Do you regret anything?
90% of the stuff I’ve done, yes.

04:   Are you insecure?
I have every reason to be insecure.

05:   What is your relationship status?
Married!

06:   How do you want to die?
AWESOMELY

07:   What did you last eat?
Uhhhhhhhh…a pita?

08:   Played any sports?
Not much of a sports person. I am 0% athletic.

09:   Do you bite your nails?
Yes.

10:   When was your last physical fight?
I’m pretty sure I’ve never had a physical fight with someone.

11:   Do you like someone?
No, I LOVE someone.

12:   Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?
Surprisingly no. At least, I don’t think I have.

13:   Do you hate anyone at the moment?
I am supremely annoyed with one or two people, but I don’t hate them.

14:   Do you miss someone?
I miss my mom and dad. And Annabelle.

15:   Have any pets?
Jazzy!

16:   How exactly are you feeling at the moment?
UGH.

17:   Ever made out in the bathroom?
I’ve made out in some weird places (drag show dance floors, the Fish Bowl at the UI library, on the orgy couch), but never in a bathroom.

18:   Are you scared of spiders?
Nah. Spiders are cool.

19:   Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Like, how far back are we talking? Can we be talking, say, I don’t know…somewhere in the range of 1646 to 1716? Maybe?
(Please?)

21:   What are your plans for this weekend?
Same as always. Walk. Run (maybe). Go to school to get lecture stuff ready. Try not to jump into oncoming traffic.

22:   Do you want to have kids? How many?
No. Zero kids. Kids are terrifying.

23:   Do you have piercings? How many?
Four. Two regular earlobe piercings, an extra earlobe piercing, and an industrial.

24:   What is/are/were your best subject(s)?
I was good at math until junior high. I was always good at writing/English and art and music.

25:   Do you miss anyone from your past?
Every once and awhile I really miss my old high school group of friends.

26:   What are you craving right now?
Nothing.

27:   Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
I don’t think so.

28:   Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes.

29:   Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
Yes?

30:   What’s irritating you right now?
Myself. And everything else.

31:   Does somebody love you?
I sure hope so!

32:   What is your favourite color?
Orange!

33:   Do you have trust issues?
Bah.

34:   Who/what was your last dream about?
Man, I don’t remember. It was probably a Met, though, because I seem to have an abnormal amount of Mets-related dreams. It’s probably because I read the Mets subreddit right before I go to bed.

35:   Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Nate. That poor man gets the brunt of my over-emotional-ness.

36:   Do you give out second chances too easily?
Probably.

38:   Is this year the best year of your life?
God no.

39:   How old were you when you had your first kiss?
19, haha. Late bloomer.

40:   Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
Probably.

51:   Favourite food?
Broccoli!

52:   Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
In a way, yes.

53:   What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Cried.

54:   Is cheating ever okay?
No.

55:   Are you mean?
I’m meaner than I’d like to be.

56:   How many people have you fist fought?
Five hundred.

57:   Do you believe in true love?
Yup. Because it happened to me!

58:   Favourite weather?
In general? Sunny and moderately warm. For walking? Overcast and moderately warm.

59:   Do you like the snow?
It’s pretty and makes things feel like Christmas, but it’s balls to walk in.

60:   Do you wanna get married?
I am married! AND I’D DO IT AGAIN!

61:   Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
Meh. I could take it or leave it.

62:   What makes you happy?
Nothing, lately.

63:   Would you change your name?
We’ve been over this. Claudia Marie Bitchin’ McGee.

64:   Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
Ha, nope. He’s sitting like seven feet away.

65:   Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Fuck, not this again.

66:   Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?
Does Nate count?

67:   Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
Nate.

68:   Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
See above!

69:   Do you believe in soulmates?
See above again!

70:   Is there anyone you would die for?
AND AGAIN!
(And Leibniz, but he’s already dead, so…)