Tom Swifties: The Ultimate Puns
(These aren’t aren’t your dad’s puns…these are energy puns! TURBOPUNS!)
I’m sure everyone knew about these but me, but I’m going to blog about them anyway.
A “Tom Swifty” originates from the Tom Swift series of books wherein the author pretty much did anything to avoid using the word “said” (e.g., “Let’s go,” he said). Instead, there was frequent use of adverbs or adverbials (words that act like adverbs to modify a verb or clause).
A true “Tom Swifty” is one of these words/phrases but with a pun incorporated. Some basic examples:
- “I decided to come back to the group,” Tom rejoined.
- “I love hot dogs,” said Tom with relish.
- “I’d like my money back, and some,” said Tom with interest.
These things are fantastic. Here are some of my favorites:
- “I’m losing my hair,” Tom bawled.
- “I dropped my toothpaste,” Tom said, crestfallen.
- “I have a BA in social work,” said Tom with a degree of concern.
- “It made the grass wet,” said Tom after due consideration.
- “I can’t believe I ate the whole pineapple!” Tom said dolefully.
- “That’s the last time I pet a lion,” Tom said offhandedly.
- “I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
- “I shouldn’t sleep on railroad tracks,” Tom said, beside himself.
- “Let’s play a C, E, and G,” said Tom’s band, in accord.
- “The doctor had to remove my left ventricle,” said Tom half-heartedly.
- “I like ragged margins,” said Tom without justification.
- “I’d better repeat that SOS message,” said Tom remorsefully.
- “You call this a musical?” asked Les miserably.
I love it.
A Doctor a Day Keeps the Apple Away
I think the more stressed I am, the more apt I am to make really, really dumb jokes.
Example: I keep my iPod Touch next to my bed couch so I have something to write down any genius ideas I come up with during the night (yeah, right).
So as I was falling asleep last night, this is the joke I thought of:
What do you call a paper towel family that’s having a siesta? Napkins!
Just kill me now.
Would a passionate speech about horology be considered a glockenspiel?
I think it would be super cool if someone came up with a cookbook in which all recipes were stupid reconfigurations of mathematicians’/statisticians’ names or mathematical objects.
- Tukey Sandwiches
- Bonferroni and Cheese
- Putnaan (“Putnam” and “naan”…anyone?)*
- Gabriel’s Corn
- Fig Newto—OH WAIT
I’d buy a cookbook like that.
*Yes, I know Putnam wasn’t a mathematician himself, but he’s got that competition named after him, so yeah. It counts.
MORE CAPS LOCK = MORE STUPID PUNS
Happy birthday, mom! Sorry I kind of turned today into a Let’s All Get Depressed party tonight. Unfortunately, that’s the only thing I’m good at sometimes.
However, this shall possibly cheer you up: my new favorite meme.
It’s like Lame Pun Coon, but even lamer. And punnier. And therefore it’s awesome. I’d pick a favorite but I giggle like an idiot through each page, so I don’t think I can.
This is genius.
Also, “Fontasia” would make an EXCELLENT Flash project, and would be attempted if I weren’t so lazy.
I should be shot
So here’s another of my tasteless jokes. I don’t know if I’ve ever told any of you any of my tasteless jokes (Besides that prostitute/midget one) but here’s another one I thought up last night:
A father gong (yes, a gong) is approached one day by his daughter.
“Dad?” the teenage gong asks.
“Um…well…there’s no real easy way to tell you this, but…I think I’m bisexual.”
The father gong erupts into a rage. “WHAT?! BISEXUAL?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOUNG LADY? I THOUGHT YOUR MOTHER AND I RAISED YOU RIGHT!! LEAVE THIS HOUSE IMMEDIATELY!”
The young gong rus from the house, crying.
As the father gong sits frozen with rage, the mother gong comes up beside him.
“I suppose she told you the news about her bisexuality?” the mother asks.
“Yes,” the father replies. “But I’m so angry. How could she do this to me after all I’ve done for her?”
“I know dear, but there’s nothing you can do.”
“You’ve simply got to let bi-gongs be bi-gongs.”