# The Real Prince of Denmark

Blame a crossword puzzle for this buffoonery. I was going to do the whole song, but I guess I just crashed on the couch and didn’t finish anything but the first main verse thingy.

I’m a rock star.

**(Sung to the tune of “The Real Slim Shady” by Eminem).**

*May I have your attention please?*

*May I have your attention please?*

*Will the real Prince of Denmark please stand up?*

*I repeat, will the real Prince of Denmark please stand up?*

*We’re going to have a problem here*

*Y’all act like you never seen a dead father before
*

*Lyin’ on the floor, an uncle with poison runnin’ out the door*

*Started rulin’ the country worse than before, Hamlet thought he was bored*

*But he’s just melancholy*

*It’s the return of the “To be, or not to be, woe is me,*

*Horatio didn’t just see a ghost, did he?”*

*And Ophelia said…*

*Nothing you idiots, Ophelia’s dead, she drowned after goin’ mad!*

Also, I just realized how freaking long the original song is.

# HAHAHA, WOW

This is fantastic. The more you know!

# Huh.

Hahaha, what in the actual shit.

# An Ode To Cumuli

Sung to the tune of Queen’s **Fat Bottomed Girls**

*Oh won’t you coat the sky today*

*Oh block out all those UV rays*

*Oh and you never bring the rain*

*Flat bottomed clouds you give this rocking world some shade*

*Hey I was just a walking fiend*

*Who forgot to wear sunscreen*

*Thought I’d burn before I’d walk a couple miles*

*But then overhead you towered*

*Soft and white like cauliflower*

*Heaping cumulus, you done make this walker smile*

*Hey hey!*

*I’ve been walking, don’t you know*

*‘Cross the city, ‘cross the Bow*

*I’ve felt every ray of sunshine on the way*

*But when I’m beneath your shade*

*I feel like I could walk all day*

*‘Till the sun goes down and its rays you glow*

*C’mon*

* Oh won’t you coat the sky today*

*Oh block out all those UV rays*

*Oh and you never bring the rain*

*Flat bottomed clouds you give this rocking world some shade*

* Flat bottomed clouds you give this rocking world some shade*

Yes, I know there’s another verse, but this is all I remember coming up with on my walk this afternoon, so chill.

# DST

This needs to become a real movie.

# I HAVE NO LIFE LA LA LA LA

I was reading about the Hubble Space Telescope last night.

Then Taylor Swift came on shuffle.

And then this happened this afternoon.

**I Knew You Were Hubble (sung to Taylor Swift’s I Knew You Were Trouble)
**

*Once upon a time in 1990*

*We sent you into space to show us what we couldn’t see*

*From here on earth, from here on earth, from here on earth*

*At first there was a snag: your mirror was misplaced*

*But with several quick repairs we saw the galaxies you faced*

*With clarity, with clarity, with clarity*

*And your first images had us all in awe*

*When we realized all the beauty that you saw
*

*‘Cause I knew you were Hubble when you took pics*

* Of the vast cosmos, oh*

*Showed us new vistas with some shutter clicks*

* Space so diverse, oh*

*I knew you were Hubble when you took pics*

*Of the vast cosmos, oh*

*Showed us new vistas with some shutter clicks*

* Now we’re picturing our universe*

*Oh, oh, Hubble, Hubble, Hubble*

* Oh, oh, Hubble, Hubble, Hubble*

*Nebulae alive with purples, reds, and greens*

*Our wonder begs for more, and you give us the means*

*To satisfy these needs, to satisfy these needs, to satisfy these *

*needs*

*And I guess you’re booked up with professionals’ requests*

*But some of those demands end up resulting in your best*

*Photography, photography, photography*

*Like the time you stared into one part of space*

*And your resulting Deep Field put us humans in our place, yeah!*

*I knew you were Hubble when you took pics*

* Of the vast cosmos, oh*

*Showed us new vistas with some shutter clicks*

* Space so diverse, oh*

*I knew you were Hubble when you took pics*

*Of the vast cosmos, oh*

*Showed us new vistas with some shutter clicks*

* Now we’re picturing our universe*

*Oh, oh, Hubble, Hubble, Hubble*

* Oh, oh, Hubble, Hubble, Hubble*

*And after 20 years in 2010*

*You’re still doing your job, and well, by bringing awe to all of man, yeah*

*I knew you were Hubble when you took pics*

* Of the vast cosmos, oh*

*Showed us new vistas with some shutter clicks*

* Space so diverse, oh*

*I knew you were Hubble when you took pics*

*Of the vast cosmos, oh*

*Showed us new vistas with some shutter clicks*

* Now we’re picturing our universe*

*Oh, oh, Hubble, Hubble, Hubble*

* Oh, oh, Hubble, Hubble, Hubble*

*I knew you were Hubble when you took pics*

*Hubble, Hubble, Hubble*

*I knew you were Hubble when you took pics*

*Hubble, Hubble, Hubble*

Can you blame me, though? I mean seriously. How many things rhyme with “Hubble”?

# Pi Day!

I had to. I’m so sorry.

**Pi Day (sung to the tune of Rebecca Black’s Friday)**

*March 14th, waking up in the morning *

*Something’s goin’ down, but I can’t tell what*

*Gotta pack my bag, gotta go to class*

*Takin’ a glance at the calendar*

*Lookin’ at the date, gettin’ all excited*

*Gotta go get my math homework*

*Gotta do my trig, Gotta do geometry*

*Seeing circles on the page*

*Circumferences are all the rage*

*e, phi, zeta, K, *

*Which constant should I use?*

*It’s Pi Day, Pi Day*

*Gotta get down on Pi Day*

*Everybody’s lookin’ out for the area, area *

*Pi Day, Pi Day*

*Doin’ math on Pi Day*

*Everybody’s solvin’ problems for the area*

*Algebra, algebra (yeah)*

*Calculus, calculus (yeah)*

*Math, math, math, math*

*Lookin’ forward to the answer*

*1:59 is the time we wait for*

*Gotta celebrate, best day of the year*

*Math, math, think about math*

*Think circumference*

*I got this, you got this*

*You’ve got your T-I-eight-four*

*Just type it, calculate it*

*Now you know it*

*Seeing circles on the page*

*Diameters are all the rage*

*e, phi, zeta, K, *

*Which constant should I use?*

*It’s Pi Day, Pi Day*

*Gotta get down on Pi Day*

*Everybody’s lookin’ out for the area, area *

*Pi Day, Pi Day*

*Doin’ math on Pi Day*

*Everybody’s solvin’ problems for the area*

*Algebra, algebra (yeah)*

*Calculus, calculus (yeah)*

*Math, math, math, math*

*Lookin’ forward to the answer*

*Yesterday was boring, boring*

*But today is Pi Day, Pi Day *

*We-we-we so excited*

*We so excited*

*We gonna do some math today*

*Tomorrow it’s over*

*But July 22nd’s soon*

*I don’t want this party to end*

*3.14159 *

*So useful of a number*

*Transcendental*

*I’m addin’, solvin’ *

*See spheres, find volumes*

*Wit’ my pi up on my side*

*In my free time I do some geometry*

*Pi r squared, r squared, wanna cheer*

*Check my date, it’s Pi Day, it’s a great day*

*We gonna do math, c’mon, c’mon, y’all*

*It’s Pi Day, Pi Day*

*Gotta get down on Pi Day*

*Everybody’s lookin’ out for the area, area *

*Pi Day, Pi Day*

*Doin’ math on Pi Day*

*Everybody’s solvin’ problems for the area*

*Algebra, algebra (yeah)*

*Calculus, calculus (yeah)*

*Math, math, math, math*

*Lookin’ forward to the answer*

*It’s Pi Day, Pi Day*

*Gotta get down on Pi Day*

*Everybody’s solvin’ problems for the area*

*Pi Day, Pi Day*

*Doin’ math on Pi Day*

*Everybody’s solvin’ problems for the area*

*Algebra, algebra (yeah)*

*Calculus, calculus (yeah)*

*Math, math, math, math*

*Everybody’s solvin’ problems for the area*

Difficult to do because HORRIBLE SONG. Pi deserves better, so here’s my other math-related parody.

# BEWARE THE IDES OF MA—oh it’s April.

What in the hell happened to March? Last year it dragged on for about the length of the Jurassic period.

Anyway, here’s a bit of awesome for you: Census Bureau blog. Perhaps the best site on the whole intarwebs. I’m sorry I’m such a stats geek, I know no one else cares, but it’s my blog and MY BLOG LIKES STATS.

Speaking of my blog, my 5 year anniversary is coming up in exactly a month. Expect—guess what?—stats.

Yayzorz.

What was I going to say today?

Oh yeah. This is pretty great:

# Billy Mays, NOOO!

But, as I was saying to Matt: “HI, BILLY MAYS’ GHOST HERE FOR GHOSTBUSTERS…”

And I know that Billy Mays and Vince were fighting over the kingdom of infomercial land, but this is by the same guy who did the ShamWow! parody awhile back.

*“Quit throwin’ your money away, what the FUCK are you DOING?!?!” *

So over the top.

# Piece of Pi

Boredom + Rock Band + geekiness = this.

Piece of Pi (sung, of course, to Boston’s Peace of Mind)

*Now if you’re feelin’ kinda low ‘bout the math you’ve been doing*

*Answer’s coming much too slow*

*And you need a break but somehow you keep calculatin’*

*Solution’s something you need to know*

Chorus

*I understand about logarithms*

*And I don’t care if I can’t derive*

*People livin’ with long division*

*All I want is to know a piece of pi*

*Now you’re tryin’ to find the key to this integration*

*Thought you knew this all by heart*

* There are so many techniques that you are now debatin’*

*Try some integration by parts
*

[Chorus]

*Take the log of x!*

*Take the log of x!*

*Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahhh!*

[Guitar solo needs no math puns!]

*Now everybody’s all hung up ‘bout this 5-by-5 matrix*

*Actin’ like a bunch of fools*

*Seems like they forgot all of the algebra tricks*

*Why don’t they just use Cramer’s Rule?*

[Chorus]

*Take the log of x!*

*Take the log of x!*

*LOG OF X!!!*

Yeah.

# I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANSISCO OH SHI—*collapses*

Haha, oh man, this is great. If you’ve ever seen the ShamWow! commercials, you will love this.

“Sham-fuckin’-wow.”

# U Can’t Prove This

OH MY GOD I SURVIVED SYMBOLIC LOGIC.

So in celebration of this, I wrote a song.

It’s sung to the tune of—of course—M.C. Hammer’s U Can’t Touch This.

Oh, and Dr. O’Rourke, if you EVER happen upon this for some reason, I want you to know that this is totally proof (ha! Get it?) that your class had an impact on me and that I loved it. This is dedicated to all of us who, for some reason or another, take a long time to wrap our heads around proofs. Where the free time to write this drivel comes from, I will never know.

Onward!

**“U Can’t Prove This”**

*U can’t prove this
U can’t prove this
U can’t prove this
U can’t prove this*

*My, my, my, Symbolic Logic, it’s so hard
Makes me say oh my Lord
It seems okay when you’re doing truth tables,
Translations, worlds, you feel quite able
But then you get to problem set four
Crap like you’ve never seen before
Gone are the days of logic bliss
You throw up your hands and say, “u can’t prove this”*

*I told you, freshman, u can’t prove this *

*Yeah that’s how we’re graded and you know, u can’t prove this *

*Look at this statement man, u can’t prove this
*

*Yo let me bust the logic lyrics, u can’t prove this*

*Boole and Tarsky, Wittgenstein
You start missin’ these guys when you enter the land
Of proofs, it’s quite sad
Who knew philosophy could kick your ass?
Can’t prove a thing without some guidance
Wish you’d taken computer science
But now you’re stuck
You know this class is gonna test your luck
Make it known you can’t get the groove*

*That this is a statement you can’t prove*

*Yo I told you, u can’t prove this *

*Why you standing there man, u can’t prove this *

*Yo sharpen your pencil, logic class is startin’, u can’t prove this *

*Then you start to understand
The relief you feel is oh, so grand
But then Prof says, “oh there’s more”
Gives new rules, subproofs galore
And now you’re screwed
Just when you thought your struggle was subdued*

*You’ve got this “if, then…”*

So you go through the pain all over again

Assume P, or not P?

Who the hell knows, it’s all Greek to me

So you go through the pain all over again

Assume P, or not P?

Who the hell knows, it’s all Greek to me

*It’s hard because you know *

*U can’t prove this*

*U can’t prove this*

*Break it down! *

*Stop. Logic time. *

*Go with the flowchart it is said *

*If you can’t prove the former than you’re probably gonna dread
These quants—they’re real tough *

*You’re trying to learn more but you’ve had enough*

Of these rules—they’re absurd

What do they expect, you’re no logic nerd

Backwards E’s and upturned A’s

Out the window flies your grade

Of these rules—they’re absurd

What do they expect, you’re no logic nerd

Backwards E’s and upturned A’s

Out the window flies your grade

*A, B, C, D, F, yeah, u can’t prove this*

*Look man, u can’t prove this*

*You’d better do the extra credit, boy, ‘cause you know you can’t prove this*

*Ring the bell, it’s logic time, break it down! *

*Stop. Logic time.*

*U can’t prove this *

*U can’t prove this *

*U can’t prove this *

*Break it down! *

*Stop. Logic time.*

*Every time they see you, you’re working on these proofs
You’re hunting like a bloodhound, a modus pollens sleuth *

*Now how could you ever increase your proving speed*

When you can’t seem to prove concisely what you need

You’ve done so much already, there’s so much more to do

It’s subproof new subproof ‘nother subproof twelve subproofs and you’re hardly half way through

When you can’t seem to prove concisely what you need

You’ve done so much already, there’s so much more to do

It’s subproof new subproof ‘nother subproof twelve subproofs and you’re hardly half way through

*U can’t prove this*

*U can’t prove this*

*U can’t prove this*

*Yeah, u can’t prove this *

*I told you, u can’t prove this*

*Too hard can’t prove this*

*Get me outta here, I can’t prove this*

People underestimate the genius of Weird Al. This is hard. And it doesn’t help that this song is like five minutes long.

# Asterisk!

Okay. It’s Friday and I don’t have any classes today, meaning I’m even more bored than I have been. This is what came out of said boredom. Apologies to Mr. Timberlake; I hope Sexy doesn’t cause you too much trouble.

**“Easy Mac” **(sung to—what else?—the tune of “Sexyback”)

[Verse 1]

I’m making Easy Mac

There’s macaroni and a cheesy pack

I think it’s quite a little handy snack

But if I don’t brush it’ll give me plaque

Take ’em to the bridge

*[Bridge]*

Microwave

It’s so much easier

I ain’t no slave

To boil water I’m just not that brave

So this new Easy Mac is what I crave

Take ’em to the chorus

*[Chorus]*

Mix it up

Go ahead, and stir baby

In the cup

Go ahead, and stir baby

M-A-C

Go ahead, and stir baby

It’s for me

Go ahead, and stir baby

3:30

Go ahead, and stir baby

Look at the cheese

Go ahead, and stir baby

It makes me smile

Go ahead, and stir baby

It’s the new style

Go ahead, and stir baby

Making Easy Mac

Go ahead, and stir baby

Making Easy Mac

Go ahead, and stir baby

*[Repeat 6 times]*

Making Easy Mac

*[Verse 2]*

I’m making Easy Mac

It’s so insane I have to double back

Watch it spin ’round and then come right on back

It’s burning up I gotta get it fast!

Take ’em to the bridge

*[Bridge]*

*[Chorus]*

*[Verse 3]*

I’m making Easy Mac

It’s so tasty I’m taken aback

I hope it doesn’t cause a bad attack

Cause if it does I will bring Sexy back

Take ’em to the chorus

*[Chorus]*

# “Part of your world”

Ahahahaha…I loved this. Sounds like something I’d write. I’m bored, so I’m posting the link here. Deal with it.

# They’re…they’re Cheetos™…they’re, they’re…they’re Cheetos™…

*“In heaven there are no Cheetos™,*

*We won’t be able to eat those.*

*We’ll have to resort to Fritos™,*

*Our friends will have eaten all our Cheetos™!”*

Sing to the melody of “The Beer Song”.

Only band geek clarinets (a.k.a. Maggie and myself) will truly understand the caliber of this song.