The House: 10 Years Ago
So tonight, instead of working on posting my tremendous backlog of blogs, I do what I always do instead when I’m procrastinating posting my blogs: read my old blogs.
And in doing so, I realized that it was 10 years ago today that I moved into “The House” with Sean, Aaron, Lanky, and Michael.
Living there with those guys was one of the most enjoyable years of my life. Fun memories:
- How ridiculous that house was. The Soul Hole, the window that kept trying to kill me, the lack of curtains, the seizure light.
- Rock Band. All the time. Obsessively. It was our lives.
- Midnight trips to Shari’s.
- Netflix movie nights, which were basically us nostalgia-tripping on movies from our childhoods while at the same time criticizing the hell out of them.
- That time Aaron, Lanky, and I day-tripped to Missoula to get piercings and ended up not only getting piercings but also getting three packs of “adult” word fridge magnets to have fun with.
- Algernon (the mouse) and his incredibly large and invasive family.
- That time I had to take out one of Aaron’s infected piercings with a needle-nose plier.
- The time that Michael left the rotting bag of potatoes in the laundry room closet and we had HUNDREDS of flies in the house. It was gross as all hell.
- All those damn YouTube videos we constantly quoted (Halifax, PowerThirst I and II, the Cooking by the Book remix, The Ding Dong Song, Ebeeto’s Might & Magic reviews, etc.).
- Noodle Fridays and spending approximately $35 per visit at the Dollar Store.
- Setting stuff on fire in the kitchen (both on purpose and accidentally).
- That pair of fake boobs that each one of us, at one point, wore.
- Pogo-sticking around the living room.
- Pogo-sticking up and down the street.
- Running around in the rain/thunder/lightning.
- Breaking every last one of Michael’s chairs (by accident, I swear).
- The Orgy Couch.
- Nerdy conversations with Lanky.
- The 60+ pizza boxes that we’d let pile up in the kitchen.
- Us making terribly suggestive phrases/poems on the fridge thanks to my set of magnetic words + the dirty ones we bought in Missoula.
- The Quote Book.
- Hookahs on the porch in the summer (no hookah for me, though; I tried it once and it hurt my throat).
- DA COLE TRAIN.
- The upstairs neighbors who were constantly loud but said enough stupid things that we mocked them incessantly and did so loud enough so that they could hear us.
- Those dollar store tiki torch things that are STILL IN THAT DAMN YARD.
Super fun. I miss those guys so much.
I miss my friendies.
I am extra lonely tonight for some really weird reason. So I’ve been thinking of friends of the past (since I don’t really have any friends right now).
I’ve had three main groups of friends in my life (I don’t count elementary school, ‘cause all those “friends” I had in first and second grade were quick to abandon me once I was deemed “uncool”): my high school group, the band geek group in college, and the guys at the house in college.
Things that remind me of my high school friends:
- Being hooligans in the hallway during lunchtime.
- That one lady (I don’t know if she was a teacher’s aide or what) who thought our shenanigans were hilarious.
- That one guy who thought our shenanigans were blasphemous.
- Harassing Alan.
- Harassing Aneel.
- Those stupid cardboard stilts that almost killed me in the bathroom.
- Going to the Co-Op, buying a loaf of bread, and then just sharing that amongst us for our lunch.
- Zach and those “Emergen-C” pouches. He would just chug those.
- That time I accidentally* threw the loaf of bread at Aneel and almost got detention.
- Stalking Lead around. All the time.
- That stupid “porn” reading of “To Kill a Mockingbird” that I did that had everyone cackling.
- Prom dress shopping at Ross!
- Being hooligans in that field across from the university.
- MSN conversations!
Things that remind me of my band geek group:
- Band (duh).
- Playing at the football games while paying zero attention to the game itself.
- “Please touch my butt…please touch my butt!”
- Being hooligans at Shari’s.
- Being hooligans at Denny’s.
- Drag shows!
- Rock Band basement parties at my dad’s.
- That basement party that was basically an orgy, let’s not lie.
- That time we all drove out to Idler’s Rest and spent half the night crying/venting about how our lives were not what we wanted at the time.
- R O B D R A M A
- The nerd-fest that was the band table in the Commons. Oh my god, that table was fun.
Things that remind me of the guys in the house:
- NOODLE FRIDAYS.
- Incessant Rock Band playing.
- Quoting pretty much every viral YouTube video from 2008.
- All the weird relationships in that house.
- Getting impulse piercings in Missoula.
- Late night conversations with Sean (he got off work after midnight and I was always the only one still up).
- Reliving our childhoods via movies on Netflix (and making fun of said movies).
- Being hooligans in Shari’s.
- Otter Pops!
I miss having friends.
*It really was an accident. I was swinging the bread bag around like a nun chuck and the bread launched through the bottom seam and nailed him in the face. Right in front of our security guard.
Stop, drop, and ROCK ‘N’ ROLL!
Playing Rock Band with Nate keeps bringing up all these memories of when my roommates and I would spend hours and hours and hours playing Rock Band back in the house. We took it seriously, yo. Examples of said seriousness:
- Playing for 14 hours straight. This happened a few times.
- Busting through the tour mode as fast as possible to earn tons of money, and then spending all evening customizing the outfits of our band members.
- That time the Xbox red-ringed on us and we spent approximately one hour Xbox-less before we NEEDED to go get a new one to play Rock Band.
- Sean getting drunk and trying to sing Ballroom Blitz in a Scottish accent.
- Lanky singing Metallica’s “Blackened.”
- Sean and I quoting relevant Metalocalypse quotes as we play (“I have musics dyslexkia…you know that…I…don’t likes to talk about it.”).
- Michael getting drunk and falling off the drumming chair.
- Rabbi Jeff, Aaron’s burly, mountain man-esque character who was (obviously) Jewish.
- Aaron making up random lyrics on the fly as he sang.
- Our “cutoff” system. At one point or another, I said that anything less than a 97% on a song was not good enough, so we set 97% to “cutoff.” We had a bunch of other things for other percentages as well. 100% earned a high five, 99% earned a limp fist bump (because you just didn’t try hard enough to get a 100%), 98% was an actual fist bump, 96% was “not even cutoff,” 95% was “not even not even cutoff,” a 69% meant that you had to kiss everyone else in the room (this never happened), and a score of 1% meant you had to have sex with someone in the room (also never happened). There were others, but I can’t remember them.
- Calling the drummer and singer the “drummist” and “singist,” respectively.
- Calling the guitarist and bassist the “guitarer” and “basser,” respectively.
- Lanky wailing “MARYANNE!!!” in an overdrive section of More Than a Feeling and us all subsequently failing out because we were laughing so hard.
- How FREAKING EXCITED we were when my parents got me Rock Band 2.
- Sean rocking out so hard with the guitar that he tipped the couch over (this happened several times).
- Breaking at least three of Michael’s chairs.
- All of us playing Metallica’s “Blackened” on expert and just barely making it through the song. I’d actually failed out three times, but the last time was right before the end, so we still made it.
- All of us giving very serious consideration to making a documentary about our fake band.
- Putting those little plastic bendable glow stick things all over the instruments and then rocking out in the dark.
So much fun.
Lord of the Fly Paper
Oh my god, there are SO MANY FLIES IN THIS HOUSE, and we have no idea where they’re coming from.
Seriously, it’s not like we ever open the door unless one of us is going to/coming from work or Aaron is going on a Jack-in-the-Box run.
The flies must be having a massive orgy somewhere in the house to create so many damn baby flies…I must have killed 50 today, I’m not exaggerating. It’s kinda grossing me out.
Throngs of Thongs!
Hahaha, so noodle night tonight reminded me of an incident last Friday that I forgot to blog about.
So.
We (Aaron, Lanky, and I) were driving down Jackson to go to Mongolian BBQ (as per usual on Fridays). We stopped at the light at 6th street and we saw this group of young runners crossing the street. I figured it was the high school track team practicing.
Then we see this guy running with them.
Who was naked.
Except for a thong.
Everybody in the running group seemed pretty cool with it, as did the thong guy, who just jogged across the street like there was nothing unusual going on.
We were going to follow him, but they ran behind the silos, so we just laughed.
The sun rises in the east, as the bun rises in the yeast
Haha, so…
You know you’re a geek when you can hold a two-hour long conversation with a person about the following (while making ramen and instant mashed potatoes):
– Pokemon (cards)
– Pokemon (Gameboy, all versions prior to Crystal)
– Doom
– Quake (and how hard the last few levels are to beat)
– lolcats
– 4chan
– Rickrolling
– Rickrolling 4chan
– lolcats Rickrolling 4chan
– Fallout 2
– Fallout 3
– Matricies
– Strategies for understanding the accents of all the foreign teachers in the math/stats departments
– Stupid math jokes
– Calculus
– Futurama
Yeah, this was Lanky and I. We need help.
Our fridge
We have a lot of magnetic words on our fridge. It was my goal over the break to write down all of our dirty sentences we had made over the semester. Here they are (I cited who wrote each sentence for each one I remember the author, so obviously there are a lot of mine, since I remember which ones I wrote):
“Fiddle my hot dirty pickle as I fondle myself in the shower.”
“This language is manipulated by us.” –Me
“Please friend, never incubate meat in our puppy.” –Michael (I think)
“Frantically nibble happy banana.” –Sean
“Come hit on me as I am madly cool and happy.” –Sean
“We only lie to you when it is time which it is always.” –Michael
“No men find my sturdy pants special.” –Me
“She is hot so we must screw.” –Me
“Throughout winter I will pretend to have power” –Michael
“Luscious brine woman shakes the pallid monkey prince’s huge torpid man pole and fiddles under his bed with candy girl’s mountainous bouncy breasts as she clubs the dark gardener’s apparatus.” –Aaron
“By repulsive I mean lovely.” –Michael
“This picture of the man is hot.”
“No one can can-can like I can.” –Me
“Live fast with no pants.” –Me
“Hump intoxicated.” –Me
“Cook my smooth pink part to introduce the flavor of galoshes.” –Me
“Gorgeous woman friend is your mother.”
“Silly butterfly tripped in the sky and falled.” –Sean
“Smile and know that I am always on top.” –Me
“Love is essential but is in desperate need of a knife at times.” –Michael
“Night breast.” –Me (this has now become our Rock Band band’s name)
“I scream for bare skin.” –Me
“Together those pecuniary drunks will teach dance.”
“Crave perfect cream.”
“Lick his pretty rod.”
“She would blow him but he has two white breasts, not two white balls.” –Me
“Clit torrent.”
“She is wonderful but only in the nude.” –Me
“Rain produced the wet morning.”
“Gimme violet velvet love muffin.” –Sean
“Think with your tool,
Such a nice, firm taco,
Always install tuna into my slot,
My vagina is private but my nipples are bare and stiff,
Together we have enough to nakedly sizzle big johnsons” –Me (don’t ask)
“Know balls like me.”
“Honey watch please as I ram this mad shaft through exquisite pudding.” –Sean
“Ghost pussy.”
“Rub delicious instrument in good deep bush.” –Sean
“Enough trousers! I would like to have sex, and together we will.” –Me
“I enter your bush
With a soft gentle push
And as you bite your lip
You feel it in your slit
Is only the tip
And no room to put it.” –Michael
“Your tremendous pendulous apparatus is enormous and makes me full of passion, as I tremble and plunge into your delicious privates after whispering luscious language that penetrated your heaving bosom.” –Me
“Zip up your fly or I will go downtown and rock your package.” –Me
“Wet urges always smell.” –Me
“Go beg, then gush musk from your nasty mound.”
“There is no use for pants.” –Me (of course)
“Some like it on top.” (on freezer)
“Me? I like it on bottom.” (on fridge)
“Sadly I lick you as my dreams are crushed.” –Me
“I peeked in her slot and saw eternity…or pussy.”
“If you are gone, who will satisfy my wild urges?” –Me
“Languid pumping leaves me out of breath.”
Postpone Purples
Hahaha, best Christmas ever.
I got Rock Band 2!
We played almost every song we knew, including freaking CARRY ON WAYWARD SON and a lot of Journey.
Sean practically molested the new guitar, it was freaking great.
Oh, and the new and improved drums?
BADASS.
Thanks, mom and dad!
Because talking about graduation is boring, but because I don’t have a life otherwise…
Today Sean was playing Fable and, for some reason or another, I attached myself to the random chickens wandering around in the game, and then decided that god is a chicken.
Along the way we also decided:
– Jesus’ favorite music is Bach
– Good chickens go to heaven, bad chickens go to KFC
– Heaven is poultry paradise
– This is proof that god is a chick
And then I go, “I’m a chicken prophet,” and Sean says, “Isn’t that what KFC makes?”
Yeah, it was a weird day.
You can lead Godot and Vladimir and Estragon, but you can’t make him show up
Lesson of the day: Friends don’t let dorky friends carve pumpkins.
Alternatively: Aaron and I should not carve pumpkins together.
He carved his, pumpkin pi, by hand with no reference. Badass.
I love this one picture we took because you can see practically everything dorky we have around the house. You can see the Rock Band drums and a Rock Band guitar on the table, the window’s covered by a blanket ‘cause we STILL don’t have blinds, Lanky’s playing Zelda on the Wii (except you can’t see the big ass TV), the router’s got like 5 wires coming out of it…what a fun house.
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