So remember a couple days ago when I mentioned that my brain likes to fire of a fair number of weird, vivid, memorable dreams near the start of the year? Here’s another one for you!
In last night’s dream, I actually am not sure if I was part of the thing I was dreaming about or just watching it on TV. That part I can’t remember. But the rest of it I can, so we’re just going to say that I was watching this on TV in the dream, because it was a TV show I was dreaming about. Specifically, it was the show 7th Heaven. If you’re not familiar with the show, it ran from 1996-2007 and was heavy-handed with lots of Christian themes. It focused on the family of Reverend Camden, which consisted of his wife Annie and like nine kids, and their Wacky Christian Adventures. One such adventure, for example, was the Rev finding a blunt in the house and going berserk “I WILL DRUG TEST THE LOT OF YOU HEATHENS” on the kids because he wanted to know which one brought the Devil’s Grass into their holy house.
It was a…weird show.
Anyway. In the dream I am watching(?) 7th Heaven on TV and in the episode, one of the Camden kids has befriended some other kid (he’s like…eight? Nine?) and have brought him home to hang out with him. This kid is like perfect: no hair out of place, perfect clothes, perfect speech an annunciation, perfect response to everything that he is asked—and as the episode goes on, I think to myself in the dream that I remembered this episode from having seen it before. Specifically, the “big twist” is that this kid is actually Jesus.
Yup. Literal, actual Jesus, disguised as a nine-year-old kid.
The episode cuts to this scene where JesusKid is finishing the last book in a huge bookshelf of novels and one of the Camden kids – I think it’s Matt – says something like, “there’s no way you could have read all those books so quickly. You’d have to be some sort of divine being to have done that.”
Jesus Kid just smiles, and Matt takes one of the books and says “Okay, fine. But I’m going to read along with you just to make sure you’re reading them all like you say you are.”
Cut to a different part of this bizarre 7th Heaven universe: a farm. There’s a mother and a daughter out working in a field when the mother jumps up and starts freaking out about one of their sheep escaping its pen and going over to the Camden’s field. Now I’m pretty sure that in real life 7th Heaven, the Camdens lived in town, as they lived in a church-owned house that somehow held the Rev, the wife, and their massive brood. But in the dream, I guess they lived on a farm…?
Anyway, the mother and daughter start absolutely freaking out, because I guess there is some sort of giant pond between their farm and the Camdens’ and the sheep was in danger of drowning in the pond.
Cut back to Jesus Kid. Using what I’m assuming is his God-bestowed sixth sense, he suddenly seems to realize the sheep is in trouble, and he jumps up and runs out to the fields, much to the confusion of Matt and everyone else.
He bolts to the pond as fast as he can and sees the sheep drowning near the middle of the pond. Then – I kid you not – he just calmly walks on the pond water out to the sheep. He touches the sheep, which grants it the ability to walk on water as well, and the two return to the Camden side of the pond.
So, walking on water: obviously a Jesus thing, right? But the Camdens don’t make that connection. They chalk the whole thing up to an optical illusion (???) and are just happy that the sheep is safe.
Jesus Kid, meanwhile, waits until everyone is busy doting over the sheep, then disappears into the ether with a weird little halo glow about his head.
Then the episode is over.
I literally had to Google “7th Heaven Jesus episode” when I woke up this morning, because while I was sure that no episode exactly like the one in my dream existed, I was convinced that there was some episode where the kids meet Jesus without even knowing it.
7th Heaven creator Brenda Hampton, I am disappoint.
I was unaware that this was a thing.
I’m cool with it being a thing.
(Sorry, I’m really busy and frustrated and stressed, so the blog shall suffer as it does in these times.)
Warnings: gun violence, I guess?
So I saved Pearl Jam in my dream last night.
Lemme ‘splain. There was a decent amount of stuff leading up to the part of the dream that I can remember, but basically the main thing was that I was living in a dorm-type thing on campus, except it wasn’t really much of a building but rather a set of five or so huge cube rooms. The cubes were lined up in a row and standing on these elevated platforms. They were probably 8’ x 8’ x 8’, I’d say, and the weirdest things about them were a) they were each just one big room with no dividers, bathrooms, or kitchens, b) there was a door connecting each pair of cubes together, and c) they were completely open on the front side of the cube. Like, no door, no windows…just no wall on that front side of the cube.
But I lived in one. Specifically, I lived in the one furthest to the right. I had a bed and a suitcase in it, ‘cause why not.
Anyway, one evening as it is getting dark, the cube next to mine is suddenly hosting a Pearl Jam concert. There are thousands of people standing in front of the elevated set of cubes and Pearl Jam is in the cube next to mine, getting ready to do a performance.
I want to go home for the weekend, so I go to my cube and start packing my suitcase to leave. I feel a little guilty that I’m doing so during the start of the concert, since everything else is dark except for the Pearl Jam cube and my cube as I pack up my stuff. But I can’t seem to pack very quickly, so I’m there quite a while. During my packing, I keep thinking how easy it would be for someone to “break in” to one of the cubes and steal the occupant’s stuff.
Just when I’m about done, I hear a whole bunch of screaming coming from the audience and the cube next to me, and I somehow become aware of the fact that someone has jumped up into the Pearl Jam cube and is brandishing a gun, threatening to shoot everyone in the band.
The gunman hasn’t noticed that I’m in the cube next to them, so I think that maybe I can sneak up on him and ambush him. But as I’m starting to sneak around the front of the cube to get to Pearl Jam’s cube, I hear the gunman open the door between our two cubes and enter my cube.
So now I’m thinking, “now’s my chance. Start walking towards him and if he shoots you, pretend that it doesn’t hurt.” I turn around and walk towards him, and he points the gun at me and shoots me right in the chest.
Pretend it doesn’t hurt. Keep walking towards him.
He shoots again.
Pretend it doesn’t hurt. Keep walking towards him.
He shoots a third time. But my plan is working; he’s obviously freaked out that the bullets are having no effect on me, and he runs back into the Pearl Jam cube, where he is promptly tackled by security and is arrested.
Then the voice actors from The Simpsons show up and thank me for saving Pearl Jam, ‘cause they’re all huge fans of the band.
Also, three close-range gunshot wounds to the chest? No big deal, I’m fine.
I have absolutely no idea what would cause my brain to insert Adam Sandler into my dream, but here we are
So we’re back to the “WTF” dreams now, brain, is that how it is?
Last night’s dream was…odd. Lemme ‘splain.
In this dream, I’m both watching a movie with Nate and actually in the movie as part of the story (sorta). And this movie, as I keep mentioning to Dream Nate in the dream, is a 90s comedy.
And as everyone knows, a 90s comedy is not complete without Adam Sandler. This dream had Adam Sandler. It also had basically every 90s comedy trope you could think of, starting with the plot.
The plot of this fantastic film was as follows: Adam Sandler (I’m sure he had a character name, but hell if I know what it was) is hired to work in a temporary, week-long job at a goose farm, “Dirty Jobs”-style. He has to do all the dirty work as far as taking care of the geese. Since it was a 90s comedy, you can probably take a guess that things got pretty gross. And pretty screwed up, because Adam Sandler.
Side characters to this hilarious escapade include:
- Tammy and Slammy, two ladies whose entire purposes for existence seem to be to play off of each other in order to make each scene EVEN MORE HILARIOUS. There was one scene where they were looking at a conveyor belt that was used to transport the geese around the farm and Tammy was like, “this looks unstable, maybe the geese might get hurt” and Slammy responded, “no, what’s the worst that could happen?” (this was her response to every concern Tammy brought up during the dream movie) and then immediately dropped a beer into the conveyor belt gears, causing the belt to speed up to like 200 mph and subsequently cause geese to CATAPULT EVERYWHERE.
- The owner of the goose farm, your stereotypical farm hick dude from Al-uh-bama who carried pitchfork everywhere and continually chewed tobacco.
- And myself, who was mostly there to break the fourth wall and comment, “this is such a 90s comedy movie” every five minutes or so.
And if you’re not already feeling the extreme 90s comedy vibes just oozing out of this setup, let me describe to you some of the more minute details.
- The farm owner never really did anything except to comment about how gross the geese were. After each of these comments, he would subsequently do something extremely gross himself, like poop his pants or spit up a wad of chewing tobacco the size of a baseball or start peeing all over someone’s shoes.
- The geese (who were white and were probably actually swans now that I think about it) were “stored” in the river next to a bridge. They were kind of all stacked up as if someone had neatly packed them together. Some of the geese were anchored to the bridge by their butts and had to be rotated by Adam Sandler so they wouldn’t get “too stuck” to get free on their own.
- Adam Sandler was supposed to feed the geese but gave them helium instead (???), resulting in XTREME GOOSE FLATULENCE. Because 90s comedy.
- At one point, the farmer dude asks Adam Sandler to power wash the butt-suctioned geese off the bridge. Sandler accomplishes this by taking the goose that was Most Flatulent of Them All™ and using that goose’s mighty farts to fartwash the bridge free of geese.
Yeah. It was…odd. And detailed, clearly.
Edit: ADAM SANDLER IS 52 YEARS OLD NOW WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL
ARE YOU READY?!?!?!
ARE YOU REALLY READY!?!?!?!
(I’m not, get me out of here.)
So last night I dreamt I was in Moscow in the winter. I wanted to walk on the trail, but everything was covered in snow, so I was super upset because, in the dream, there was literally nowhere else to walk except the trail.
But the next morning (in the dream), the snow on the trail had been packed down by a bunch of people walking on it, so I figured I could go out and walk on it as well. The only problem was that I guess I forgot how Moscow works and couldn’t figure out how to get to the trail from my mom’s house. I told my mom my problem and she’s like, “no worries, the snake will guide you!”
And before I could do anything, the TV turns on and there’s this image of this weird-ass purple-pink snake that looked much more like one of those sand-filled stuffed animals than an actual live snake.
It turns out that the image is actually a live feed of the snake at the head of the trail (heading towards Pullman). My mom goes, “follow the hamburgers!” and I’m like “wtf” and then watch the snake throw up like a dozen hamburgers (like, from McDonald’s, completely whole, with wrappers) and they started buzzing around the head of the trail. I could hear the buzzing from my mom’s house and she just kept screaming “GO GO GO GO!!”
And then I woke up.
What in the living hell.
Appropriate at 4 AM? No.
CBC News: reporting the important stuff.
Okay, yeah, those Calgary bathrooms are awesome. Those are the rave ones I blogged about a few weeks ago.
You think Hillary vs. Trump is an important decision? It’s got nothing on Montreal vs. Whitecourt vs. Calgary vs. Calgary vs. Winnepeg!
To be honest, though, any one of those toilets in those bathrooms could run the US better than Trump could.
JESUS CHRIST, MARKIPLIER
Edit: paused it at just the right spot.
Well, this is…something.
OH MY GOD THIS IS THE BEST THING.
(Don’t ask me how I found this.)
(Okay fine it was Tumblr.)
When I get super sleep deprived, I tend to make/write/blog things I don’t remember making/writing/blogging about. For example, I found this thing on my USB this morning. Its “date modified” is last night (this morning?) at 3:43 AM.
THIS IS NOT FUNNY ON ANY LEVEL
THAT’S NOT EVEN HOW YOU PRONOUNCE “OREGON”
GOD DAMMIT, BRAIN
What the hell, internet.
I had a dream last night about a French-Canadian version of Beck.
His name was Quebeck.
Oh dear god.
Warning: It’s HowToBasic so…expect eggs and other weird stuff.
I got nothin’ so you get this.
Last night I dreamt that I was in love with my sofa.
Let me repeat that.
Last night I dreamt that I was in love with my sofa.
We wanted to make love but then it was like, “No, wait, I don’t have my slip cover on yet.”
And I go, “It’s okay, baby, I have shoes on.”
So we did it because shoes are apparently a form of human-sofa birth control.
But we done fucked up and accidentally made babies after all.
(They were pillows.)
THIS IS WHAT STRESS DOES TO MY BRAIN GODDAMMIT
If you’ve never seen HowToBasic’s videos on YouTube, you’re missing out, bro.
This was the first video of his I saw:
This one really got me laughing when he turned on the scale:
And of course, you need the elders’ reactions:
And if you’re wondering, apparently he did a podcast in which he stated that he works at a supermarket and all the food he uses is stuff that has expired and would have been thrown away anyway. Not sure if that’s actually true, but that’s the general consensus. I haven’t heard the podcast myself.
But anyway. YouTube: bringing us to the next level of…“art.”
I…I don’t really remember writing this. I just remember Red Bull coursing through my soul and then passing out in my chair around 8 AM.
I, the Strawberry
Bold and Red
In silken sun, in garden bed
Firm and ripe with seeded tread
No darkness do I see
I, the Strawberry
Bold and Red
Human hands tear off my head
Now I lay bitten, frayed, and dead
No sunlight left in me
I had a dream last night in which I was bedridden for some reason and all my major muscles very quickly atrophied. However, as they atrophied, they all turned into gold and I had thousands of doctors from around the world wanting to operate on me just so that they could get their hands on said gold.
In the dream, I kept trying to force myself to stay awake so that the doctors couldn’t come in at night and cut me up, but I accidentally keep falling asleep and each time I woke up I had more and more gaping cuts all over my arms and legs from where the doctors would come and try to harvest the gold as I slept. I woke up (in real life) when it got to the point where the doctors had taken all the gold and were starting to take my bones to see if I had gold in the marrow.
Red Bull is a hell of a drug.