So 2020 is already a flaming hot pile of GARBAGE and I hate it.
What a shock.
So because I feel like my entire life is not worth living anymore and because I have absolutely no motivation to exist, you’re getting a crappy blog post.
(As opposed to…?)
I enjoy “Zodiac signs as…” things, so we’re gonna do those today. ‘Cause I need something that will make me laugh or I’m going to go find the nearest bridge and go weeeeeeeee.
That’s all. Sorry for the awful blogs as of late; I really, really am burnt out.
I’m sure everyone knew about these but me, but I’m going to blog about them anyway.
A “Tom Swifty” originates from the Tom Swift series of books wherein the author pretty much did anything to avoid using the word “said” (e.g., “Let’s go,” he said). Instead, there was frequent use of adverbs or adverbials (words that act like adverbs to modify a verb or clause).
A true “Tom Swifty” is one of these words/phrases but with a pun incorporated. Some basic examples:
- “I decided to come back to the group,” Tom rejoined.
- “I love hot dogs,” said Tom with relish.
- “I’d like my money back, and some,” said Tom with interest.
These things are fantastic. Here are some of my favorites:
- “I’m losing my hair,” Tom bawled.
- “I dropped my toothpaste,” Tom said, crestfallen.
- “I have a BA in social work,” said Tom with a degree of concern.
- “It made the grass wet,” said Tom after due consideration.
- “I can’t believe I ate the whole pineapple!” Tom said dolefully.
- “That’s the last time I pet a lion,” Tom said offhandedly.
- “I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
- “I shouldn’t sleep on railroad tracks,” Tom said, beside himself.
- “Let’s play a C, E, and G,” said Tom’s band, in accord.
- “The doctor had to remove my left ventricle,” said Tom half-heartedly.
- “I like ragged margins,” said Tom without justification.
- “I’d better repeat that SOS message,” said Tom remorsefully.
- “You call this a musical?” asked Les miserably.
I love it.
So Uncyclopedia is something I’d known about a while ago but had forgotten about until a random Reddit post that I came across today reminded me of it. A parody of Wikipedia, Uncylopedia basically mocks the hell out of everything through one form of humor or another. I think the first (and last?) time I mentioned it was when I was talking about some different Uncyclopedia articles for math-related things (including Newton).
So, of course, having been reminded of Uncyclopedia, I had to spend some time on it this afternoon (when I should have been either working or writing, let’s be honest).
On the “Alberta” page:
Calgary is most famous for the world famous Stampede where people gather to look at exhibits, go on rides, and wait in line to get trampled on by live-stock.
(regarding housing) The hastily constructed overpriced shacks also have the advantage that the majority of them are spaced 8 feet apart, so if your neighbour screws up your house is torched too. This recently happened in a major NW area in which 8 houses were toasted literally and firetrucks couldn’t get out there quick enough cause the snow was everywhere.
On the “Arizona” page:
Arizona is a 113,998 square mile sand dune located in the western United States.
Arizona has a constant and unwavering year-round temperature of 145 °F (336 degrees Kelvin), and an average of 0.0000000001 inches (2.54 × 10-15 kilometers) of yearly rainfall.
While modern science hypothesizes that at some time the entire planet was covered in water, no evidence exists suggesting Arizona has ever been below the sea level…Billions of years ago, as water on all sides came into contact with Arizona, it was slowly and methodically absorbed by the 50,000 foot high impenetrable wall of sand surrounding its entire perimeter.
On the “New York Mets” page:
The “Los Nuevo York Mets”, are inarguably one of the worst teams in Baseball.
They have won two championships, which is extraordinary, considering there have been about OVER 9000.
On the “Canada” page:
The world looks to Canada for international peace-keepers, since they possess no weapons other than snow shovels, and their jovial accent and flannel clothing are comforting.
The vast majority of Canuckistanians are actually invincible, impotent superheroes, invested with a variety of superpowers ranging from looking at TV or computer screens for entire weeks in winter to understanding the rules of hockey using telepathy and superhuman intelligence. For this reason, Canadians don’t need any form of government or even a military, since every single guy next door can either stop bullets in mid-air or cut through buildings using energy blast from their eyes, but usually they end up playing video games on their computers most of the time since no nation is crazy enough to attack such an intimidating and powerful county in Montana as Canada.
In 1952, the Canadian Air Force bioengineered all Canadians into developing resistance to the harsh winters. The technology involved beautiful fur growing out of their skin during the winter time, that really offers no thermal protection but is solely for repelling mosquitoes. This resulted in thousands of hunters from USA confusing Canadians for bears every winter, therefore explaining why Canada is so underpopulated.
To speak of Canada’s geography is to speak of the great swells of beaver that infest the land.
An early French remark aboot Canada dismisses it as “a few acres of snow”.
(Actually, the whole “Canada” article is fantastic.)
This randomly popped into my head while I was teaching this morning and it was all I could do to keep from laughing while lecturing.
Human determination at its finest.
The real bro is that tree limb, though.
So a few days ago I was listening to Brian Regan on Youtube, right? Because of that, I had a new recommended video today:
I clicked on it ‘cause I thought “what the hell” and definitely wasn’t expecting to find it as enjoyable as I did. Starts out a little slow, but definitely picks up. His restless leg syndrome bit and the whole road rage thing at the end is pretty great. Give him a try!
I’ve been watching a lot of clips of Whose Line Is It Anyway on YouTube lately. Here’s a set of three videos highlighting the times when the crew (mostly Drew) end up laughing uncontrollably (mostly because of Colin).
Wayne completely losing it in the background of some of these is great.
I’ve posted a decent amount of Brian Regan-related material on here already, but I was working on notes/practice problems in my office this afternoon and wanted something to listen to, so I listened to his “Live” recording.
Unfortunately there is no video of these routines, which sucks ‘cause a good portion of Brian’s humor his visual. But it’s still freaking hilarious. The “Stupid in School,” “Truck Drivers,” and “Crank Calls” routines are all fantastic, but they’re all good.
More Rage Quit. Sorry, I’m still super burnt out and this is all I’ve got right now bye.
“How many fuckin’ dogs ya got?”
Hahaha, how did I not know this happened?
That’s great. Blevins can act, yo.
This is fantastic.
Sorry, I’m super busy and super stressed and super garbage.
This is fantastic. The more you know!
I feel like twenty poops, so here’s a kopke613 Vine compilations to make everyone (including myself) feel better.
I’ve been laughing at this damn Vine for the past 15 minutes.
I have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old boy and I’m not sorry.
It’s 5:30 in the morning and I can’t stop laughing at this stupid thing.
This is his best video yet. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while.
As someone who is allergic to pineapple, this is relatable.
I’m sure you’ve all seen this:
Which spawned this:
Now get ready for THIS!
It’s like a beautiful song, haha.
0:53-1:15 is fantastic.
Hahaha, what in the actual shit.
This thing is 10 years old today.
THIS THING IS TEN YEARS OLD TODAY.
For some reason, this also reminds me of this insanity:
Sean thought this was hilarious. His MSN name was “Giant Enemy Crab” for like a year and a half after seeing this.
So I found this comedian, John Mulaney, through a Tumblr post with the following video:
Which is hysterical. But then I found someone who made a kinetic typography video of one of his short sketches and it’s perfect for the subject matter:
It’s getting to be the holiday season, yo! Which means I’ve got these two 5 Second Film films going through my head at random times:
“God bless you, San-ta.”
Edit: hahahaha, I’ve never seen this one until now:
Miniature Fireplace Stabs-A-Lot Jesus is the stuff of nightmares.
Not sure if this is actually as funny as it seems to me right now, seeing as how it’s like four in the morning, but this is absolutely hilarious right now.
Edit: yup, it’s actually funny.