*insert depressing title here*
I am feeling so very discouraged today. It feels like this pandemic will never end because people are so selfish and stupid. Every time one part of the world takes a step forward, it’s like we take two steps back somewhere else in the world.
And when it is eventually over (assuming that happens), then what? What is there even to look forward to anymore? Climate change? Water shortages? More disease?
It’s like there’s no point anymore. Things are only going to get worse.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I am really, really sad.
Ignore my nonsense
Aren’t those days fun where you just spend your whole time thinking about how mediocre of a human being you are and that you’ll never be the best at anything so why even try and why even give a shit about anything and why even live at all when the world would be better off without you consuming its resources?
Aren’t those days FUN?
I hate myself.
Freaking ASLFDJASLKDJFLSAKJFDLSKJF
I miss my mom.
I miss Moscow.
I miss my office.
I miss campus.
I miss teaching in person.
I miss Market Mall.
I miss Anytime Fitness (even though I went there like five times a year, haha)
I miss public transit.
I miss long weekend walks with my husband.
I miss Westbrook Mall and the walk up there.
I miss disliking crowds of people because people annoy me rather than because I’m afraid they’ll infect me.
I miss the comfort of knowing I could travel to and from the US without any huge issues.
I miss pre-COVID normality.
I’m sure everyone else is feeling similar sentiments, but it’s US Thanksgiving today and I’m bitter about the fact that I won’t get to see my mom in a month like I normally do each year so you get to hear my whining.
Sorry not sorry.
I am sad.
Leave me be.
I am not having a good time.
Really, really not having a good time.
Blah Party
Life is a waste of time and I can’t wait ‘till it’s over.
BLAAAAHH
I feel like garbage.
Aimless garbage.
That is all.
2020 Will Be My Bitch
I’m calling it right now.
I am going to work hard this year. I am going to get what I want. I am going to get what I deserve. Nothing is going to stand in my way.
Edit from mid-April: okay, okay, 2020 is COVID-19’s bitch. I concede. But on a personal level, this year’s actually going pretty well so far, too. I’m still sad and angry and hate myself on a cellular level, but at least I’m accomplishing my goals.
…right?
What a Decade
I suppose any decade has the capacity to bring about MASSIVE CHANGE due simply to its length, but this past decade has definitely brought many changes, both worldwide and personally.
For example, 10 years ago today was December 30, 2009. Things that were true on that day include:
- I was 21 years old
- I had a BS in psychology, a BS in philosophy, and had just finished my first semester of grad school at UBC for an MA in psychology
- I was 100% miserable in my grad program and did not want to go back up to Vancouver after visiting Moscow over Christmas break
- I had no desire to ever become an instructor/professor (or whatever the hell you want to call it), especially an instructor/professor of math
- I was not yet walking for pleasure/exercise/sanity
- I suspected I’d never find anyone I wanted to actually legitimately marry. People I liked? Yes. People I thought would like me and would tolerate my nonsense? Nope
- I had 1,340 blog posts on Eigenblogger
Now, on December 30, 2019, the following things are true:
- I am 31 years old
- I have a BS in psychology, a BS in philosophy, I (somehow) finished my time at UBC to get an MA in psychology. I also now have a BS in math and an MS in statistics
- I love living in Calgary and always enjoy going back after visiting Moscow over Christmas break (even though I miss my mom when I leave Moscow!)
- I have been working the past six-ish years to get to where I am now career-wise as an instructor in math/stats
- Walking is my JAM, yo
- I have found my soulmate and love him more than I ever thought I could love someone
- I have 4,992 blog posts on Eigenblogger
Wild. What has changed for y’all over the past decade?
I hope the next decade proves to be even better to everyone.
I am So Indescribably Sad
Why am I so indescribably sad? Who the hell knows.
Party all the time.
Aged Cheese
Something that seems like a sensitive topic for a lot of people is the topic of aging. People don’t like to be called “old” or be told that they look older. People seem to want to conceal their ages the older they get.
I understand this, to an extent. We as a society value youth and young people and see being young as an advantage over being older. Youth is desirable, both at a societal level and (most likely) at a biological level. Youthfulness suggests health and fertility, and that’s what we need in order to keep the species going.
But on a personal level, I don’t see aging in a negative light. I’m not “old” (at least, I don’t think I am!), but I’m definitely not what I’d consider to be a “young adult” anymore. I think I’m finally in the “adult” camp. But that doesn’t bother me. In fact, I kind of like the idea of getting older. Amassing memories, experiences, stories, successes, failures…it’s kind of cool. It’s kind of cool to know that you’ve been on the planet longer than someone else and have seen things that a younger person could not have possibly seen just due to their age (the one I’ve been thinking about recently, as bad as it sounds, is 9/11; I’m just starting to teach people who weren’t even alive for that).
It’s just kinda cool.
Anyway.
UGH
I hate my body.
I hate my body.
I hate my body.
I hate my body.
I hate my body.
I hate my body.
I hate my body.
I hate my body.
I hate my body.
I hate my body.
I hate my body.
I hate my body.
I hate my body.
F
Life is a constant disappointment.
Bl
I feel so completely demotivated for like the past half year. I don’t want to do anything and feel like I can’t even concentrate long enough to finish one sentence before getting distracted or trying to find something that will hold my attention.
It sucks and I hate it.
*sulks aggressively*
Leave me be.
AND NOW WE WAIT
I did a very important and stressful thing today that might SIGNIFICANTLY DICTATE MY IMMEDIATE FUTURE!
(And possibly my not-so-immediate future as well.)
It was scary but it was necessary. Now we just have to wait to see what the results will be.
And that’s the hardest part! YAY!
[blank]
I miss being happy.
Eigenblogger 