My attitude toward my responsibilities right now:
I’ll leave it up to you to decide if this is a good attitude or a bad one.
I am having an incredibly difficult time right now.
That’s all I’ve got today, sorry.
Depressed, barely-able-to-function, “trying is hard” guy is me.
Dog is my loved ones (Nate, mom, Jazzy).
I do not deserve.
Alright, so I want to show ya’ll two different pictures of me.
The left one is a picture of me taken in 2006. I’m going to guess this is sometime during my senior year, probably around March or April. I was experimenting with some makeup in my room – I never actually really wore any back then – so ignore that.
The other picture, the one on the right, was taken basically 10 years later: May 2017.
I feel like I look really different, but is that just my imagination? I mean, ignore the makeup in the first picture (I wish I was good enough at Photoshop to Photoshop it out and not make it look obvious)…the shape of my face has changed quite a bit. Some of the change might be due to a weight difference (I was likely heavier in that old pic than in the new, but I’m not 100% sure), but I think it’s a pretty big difference.
The skin around my eyes is a little different, too, and the tip of my nose looks bigger now (in my opinion), but I guess that’s a decade of age difference for ya.
I have absolutely nothing to be sad about…but I am so damn sad.
Why am I so damn sad?
So this year has been a little rough for me so far for various really stupid reasons, but I’ve been able to handle most of it.
- Obnoxiously cold walking weather? Okay, sure.
- Frantically trying to write/create everything for this semester like a day before I have to present it to my class? Fine?
- Feeling incredibly sad for absolutely no reason? Yeah, whatev.
- Trying to find the time every day to walk 15+ miles? Alright.
- Being obscenely homesick since December. Ugh. Yeah.
But you know what? Today it fucking snowed. And snow in April? I can’t handle that right now.
So I had a little mini mental breakdown on my walk home from campus today. Which, you know, is always fun.
I really hope that my visit to Moscow helps me feel better, because I really don’t know what’s wrong with my stupid brain, but it needs to stop.
I hate myself.
Hey, so remember when I had a purpose on this planet and wasn’t a complete and utter waste of space, time, and resources?
Neither do I.
The only reason I feel remotely comfortable posting about this is because I know I won’t get these up for like another couple of months or so and by then I’ll (hopefully) be feeling better…
…but man. My will to continue to exist is just not present at the moment. I haven’t felt like this in a long, long time.
It’s really rough.
Still sad. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with my stupid brain this year, but it needs to cut it out and get back to normal. I’m sick of this.
I don’t care about anything anymore, really.
2017: The Year where Nothing is Actually Terrible but My Brain is Convincing Me Everything is Terrible because My Brain is Terrible.
Did you ever see something so ugly that you just wanted to punch it?
That’s me every time I look in the mirror!
I’m in a morbid mood this year tonight, so you get some death talk.
I like the thought of death. I don’t mean that I currently actively want to die right now (though I’ve felt that way a few times this year*), but I still just like the thought of death.
I figure it’s because death is something that’s going to happen at some point or another. Like, you can’t get away from it, you can’t get out of it, there’s nothing you can do to prevent it.
It happens to everyone. It will happen to you, it will happen to me.
And it’s incredibly personal. There’s going to be something—be it a medical condition, an illness, an accident, or something else—that’s going to end my life. I will have an experience completely unique to me that will put an end to my existence as a living being.
I just think that’s really, really neat. I like the idea of death, as weird as that sounds.
*I’m not going to actually do anything, so chill.
Sometimes I’d like to just delete myself from the face of the earth too, but I guess that’s taboo to talk about, eh?
My head hurts.
My soul hurts.
I hate this stupid blog and I hate my stupid self.
So I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I have been incredibly sad since the beginning of the year. I mean, I usually get a little down around New Year’s because New Year’s, but this year it’s just been terrible.
Like, I haven’t felt this sad in a long, long time.
I wish it would stop. It’s killing my motivation and productivity.
That is all.
Courtesy of your local garbage human being.
Yeah, this is all you get.
I don’t even caaaaaaaaaaaare anymore.