Tag Archives: jokes

Jokes and…crap

I felt like little bit of a laugh today. I also didn’t feel like writing my own crap. So here ya go!

Q: Good king Wenceslas had a pizza. What kind was it?
A: Deep-pan, crisp and even!

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

One Christmas, group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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Dork.

I make the strangest cartoons…

I probably should’ve used a more recognizable state/capital combo, eh?

Psychology students do it for experiment credits

These are great…I’m surprised I’ve never found them before (seeing as how I’m ALWAYS on the internet):

 

Christmas songs for people with psychological disorders

1. SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
3. DEMENTIA – I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas.
4. NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) .
5. MANIA – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town…
6. PARANOIA – Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
7. PERSONALITY DISORDER – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I’ll tell you why.
8. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE – Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell….
9. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY – Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
10. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE – On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

I should be shot

So here’s another of my tasteless jokes. I don’t know if I’ve ever told any of you any of my tasteless jokes (Besides that prostitute/midget one) but here’s another one I thought up last night:

A father gong (yes, a gong) is approached one day by his daughter.
“Dad?” the teenage gong asks.
“Yes, honey?”
“Um…well…there’s no real easy way to tell you this, but…I think I’m bisexual.”
The father gong erupts into a rage. “WHAT?! BISEXUAL?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOUNG LADY? I THOUGHT YOUR MOTHER AND I RAISED YOU RIGHT!! LEAVE THIS HOUSE IMMEDIATELY!”
The young gong rus from the house, crying.
As the father gong sits frozen with rage, the mother gong comes up beside him.
“I suppose she told you the news about her bisexuality?” the mother asks.
“Yes,” the father replies. “But I’m so angry. How could she do this to me after all I’ve done for her?”
“I know dear, but there’s nothing you can do.”

“You’ve simply got to let bi-gongs be bi-gongs.”

Random crap that made me laugh

Some stuff I found on the internet (the wonderful, glorious internet…) that made me laugh:

HOW TO GET THROWN OUT OF THE CHEMISTRY LAB
~Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”
~Consistently write three atoms of potassium as “KKK”.
~When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”
~Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid

NEWEST POPULAR CHILDREN’S BOOK
~The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let’s Go Ride our Bikes!

THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY
~”Checkmate.”
~”I’ll take ‘Shakespeare’ for 100, Alex.”
~”Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?”
~”Give me the small bag of pork rinds.”
~”I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.”

 

I love that…”Checkmate.”

Hehe.