I drew the pommel horse equipment guy from last night’s dream because I couldn’t get this damn image out of my head.
(Sorry for the crappy quality, I haven’t drawn in approximately 40 years and perspective is hard.)
Last night I dreamt that every time the Olympics were held there was a separate Olympics held for the Olympic equipment. That is, people would dress up like the equipment (e.g., a pommel horse, an archery target, a bicycle) and basically do the Olympic events as the equipment.
And in this dream, people were super into this. This “Equipment Olympics” was actually more popular than the regular Olympics. People would even get tattoos of their favorite equipment.
ARE YOU READY?!?!?!
ARE YOU REALLY READY!?!?!?!
(I’m not, get me out of here.)
So last night I dreamt I was in Moscow in the winter. I wanted to walk on the trail, but everything was covered in snow, so I was super upset because, in the dream, there was literally nowhere else to walk except the trail.
But the next morning (in the dream), the snow on the trail had been packed down by a bunch of people walking on it, so I figured I could go out and walk on it as well. The only problem was that I guess I forgot how Moscow works and couldn’t figure out how to get to the trail from my mom’s house. I told my mom my problem and she’s like, “no worries, the snake will guide you!”
And before I could do anything, the TV turns on and there’s this image of this weird-ass purple-pink snake that looked much more like one of those sand-filled stuffed animals than an actual live snake.
It turns out that the image is actually a live feed of the snake at the head of the trail (heading towards Pullman). My mom goes, “follow the hamburgers!” and I’m like “wtf” and then watch the snake throw up like a dozen hamburgers (like, from McDonald’s, completely whole, with wrappers) and they started buzzing around the head of the trail. I could hear the buzzing from my mom’s house and she just kept screaming “GO GO GO GO!!”
And then I woke up.
What in the living hell.
Last night I dreamt that Dr. Oz (who…was a woman??) and I teamed up and started a folk metal band called The Lumberjanes (instead of lumberjacks…get it?) and we got so ridiculously popular that the US government had to shut down for like half a month because no one knew if our popularity was going to start causing riots in the streets.
We all know about Frisbees, right? Well, I had this dream last night that I invented Friscees, the “next generation X-treme Frisbee.” I’m assuming the name was just my brain using the next logical iteration of Frisbee: Fris-B to Fris-C.
Turns out that all a Friscee was was just a regular Frisbee with a GoPro attached to it. This of course made them like impossible to throw with any degree of distance or accuracy, but everyone loved them because they were so X-treme.
Gotta love dreams, man.
Last night’s feature presentation dream? I was watching a nature documentary on how horses had evolved to have gums like concrete, turned evil, and went around gumming other animals to death in incredibly brutal ways.
Examples: gumming off the legs of goats then stomping on them (the goats, not the amputated legs), sneaking up behind baby animals and grabbing them by the back of the necks and strangling them, using their power gums to break out of their corrals (or pens or whatever the hell horses are kept in) and create havoc.
The visuals were really disturbing. Woke me up.
Gather ‘round, children, and let me tell you of the dream in which I murdered thousands of people by using an app!
In this dream, I still live in Calgary. But rather than the city being situated where it is currently, it sat in this basin surrounded by a bunch of dormant volcanoes.
One of these volcanoes is of particular interest to scientists. Specifically, they want to see if they can make it active again. Because Science™. So to help their cause, they create an app. The app is a giant button that, when pressed, sets off one of many explosive charges that have been placed inside the dormant volcano. The scientists make a special news announcement about this app and encourage people to use it. Because Science™.
And I love this app. Anytime I have a moment, I open it and press the detonation button.
One day, Nate and I have to go shopping, so we head to this big mall that’s outside of the basin, kind of along the rim somewhere. From the parking lot, you can look down into the basin and can see the ring of dormant volcanoes around it.
Standing out in this parking lot, I can’t tell which of the volcanoes is the one we’re trying to make active again, so I pull out my phone and open the app with the intention of seeing if I can tell which volcano it is if I set off one of the charges. I push the button approximately 40 times (thus setting off 40 charges) and look around to see if I can see where the detonations are happening. Then I notice that there’s lava bubbling up in one of the volcanoes that is rapidly spilling out down the sides of the volcano and heading right towards Calgary.
I’m like “OH SHIT”—more due to the fact that Jazzy is down there in the path of the lava rather than the fact that like 1.2 million people are down there as well—and run to tell Nate that we need to get back down there to save our kitty.
But then I woke up, so I don’t know what kind of carnage I caused.
I’ve been having a lot of dreams lately that, when I wake up, I can just barely remember the gist of how they went. Last night’s dream, however, was much more vivid and memorable.
I’m in D.C. my dad and he’s all “let’s go see the White House.” So we walk over to the White House, knock on the front door, and are let inside.
(Y’know, how ordinary people normally get inside the White House.)
The interior looks suspiciously similar to our old house on Grant St. except there’s more furniture and Donald Trump and Michelle Obama (???) are sitting at this large table in the middle of the living room. My dad decides to jet on me, saying he had something he needed to do but would be right back, and I’m tasked with trying to make small talk with Trump Taco and Michelle. So I’m like, “I like your house,” and that’s obviously not a very impressionable thing to say to them because they just keep sitting there, smiling awkwardly at me like “who is this nerd?”
After a few awkward minutes, I notice that there’s a taste of blood in my mouth, and I realize that one of my upper teeth on the left side of my mouth is bleeding a little. So I excuse myself and go to the bathroom.
(Y’know, how ordinary people normally use the president’s bathroom.)
In the bathroom, the bleeding starts to get worse, and no matter how many Kleenex I use, I can’t get it to stop. It only takes about five minutes for there to be tons of bloody Kleenexes in the trash can, the sink, the toilet, and the tub.
But I’m like, “nah, they won’t notice this,” and decide to try to plug up the bleeding just using my tongue, since I suspect my dad is back by now and is angry that I was rude and left The Trumpster Dumpster and Michelle.
I open my mouth one more time to look at it in the mirror, and I can see blood just gushing out between my upper teeth on the left side of my mouth. I also notice that my cheek is starting to swell up quite a bit, as if I had a golf ball tucked in there.
NO BIG DEAL THOUGH, RIGHT, so I leave all the bloody Kleenex everywhere and try to wash the blood off my hands before I go back out there to see everyone. But as I’m doing this, the swelling gets worse and worse and then I start to feel the swelling move into my throat, making it very difficult to breathe.
I’m also shirtless, somehow, by this point, and I’m thinking that I really need some medical attention. Which is super embarrassing, but IT’S MORE EMBARRASSING TO DIE IN THE PRESIDENT’S BATHROOM, so through my rapidly closing airway, I manage to shout, “dad, I need some help!”
And then I woke up.
The scariest thing about this dream though? The fact that Trump was president. Good thing it was just a dream.
This year is apparently all about the weird dreams. I’ve had a lot so far, but I’ve only remembered a few in full.
Last night’s was one of them (and lucky for you, it was fairly short).
In the dream, I’ve somehow convinced Nate to go skydiving with me, and we drive for hours to get to this secluded, exclusive skydiving resort type thing. Everyone there is like some sort of elite skydiver and is super serious about all things skydiving, but I feel confident because I’d been skydiving before and thus knew some of the basics at least.
We stand in this group with a bunch of other dudes who are going to dive and our instructor, who is the most serious of them all, points to this giant carwash thing and tells us all that we need to go through it before we go up in the air.
I’m a little bit confused by this, and as Nate and I are going through the carwash, I mention to the instructor that I’d gone skydiving before and that we didn’t have to go through a carwash to do so.
And the dude gets extremely huffy and says, “well, I guess you contaminated the sky, then!”
And then I woke up.
Pro tip: if you’re ever about to go skydiving, make sure to run yourself through a carwash first so that you don’t contaminate the sky.
This is actually a dream I had two nights ago, but since yesterday was dedicated to my walking stats, I had to wait a day to describe this nonsense to you.
And since I’m all sure you just love reading about others’ dreams, let’s get right to it.
This dream felt super realistic and actually felt like it was quite long, so I probably forgot a good portion of it, but here’s what I recall:
I’m with this young girl (she’s maybe four or five…I’m bad at ages…she’s black and has pigtails) and we’re wandering around what I think is the outskirts of Calgary. It’s not too hot or too cold out, so it’s probably fall or something. We start hearing this metallic “clink! clink!” sound coming from just beyond a grassy hill, so we climb it to see if we can figure out where the noise is coming from.
Once we get to the top of the little hill, we can see that it slopes down on the other side into a wide valley. At the bottom of this valley there’s this strange rectangular fenced-in plot where someone is growing pinecones. The pinecones aren’t growing on trees but rather on vines, and it’s the sound of these pinecones falling off and hitting exposed irrigation pipes that is making the metallic clinking noise we were hearing.
We go down into the valley to investigate this weird plot of vine pinecones (vinecones???). There’s a paved path that runs down the middle of the plot and goes in both directions along the valley floor. The little girl kind of wanders off in one direction on the path; I go in the other direction but have to stop and turn around because the path almost immediately runs into a flooded, swampy area.
I catch up with the little girl and we head across the valley to the other side where the ground starts to slope up again. The girl is saying that she’s pretty sure she knows where we are, especially if there’s a highway nearby. I look towards the top of the sloping hill and notice a concrete noise barrier. I tell the girl that the noise barrier is probably next to a highway and that we should climb up and see to make sure.
So we start climbing the hill, but it quickly gets pretty steep and muddy and I tell the girl that because of my messed up leg, I probably shouldn’t climb any higher and that she should go alone. She seems cool with this, so I just climb to the top of a drainage pipe and hold on to some exposed wires (??) while the girl keeps climbing.
As she gets higher, some dude appears a little bit above her on the hill and tells her that she shouldn’t be climbing it. But before either of us can react, the guy loses his footing and falls into a pool of lava that is sitting at the mouth of the drainage pipe that I’m standing on. He quickly burns up and dissolves in the lava.
This doesn’t deter the little girl’s climbing; she keeps going. Then another little girl appears above her. This girl’s a little older (she actually kind of looks like Eleven from Stranger Things) and she keeps warning us that we shouldn’t climb the hill. My little girl doesn’t listen and keeps climbing. So the Eleven-esque girl finally goes, “I’m sorry I have to do this,” and pushes my little girl off the side of the hill. She also lands in the lava, but it doesn’t instantly kill her like it did with the guy. She’s just on her back in it, yelling “ow!” over and over again.
I get down off the drainage pipe and help her out of the lava. She doesn’t have any burn marks or anything, and after a second of standing up, she says very calmly: “I remember almost everything I used to know.”
Then another guy shows up. He’s in the valley (not on the hill) on the path and he’s walking this tiny little puff ball of a dog. I am, for some reason, absolutely terrified of this dog. I scream, “EVERYBODY RUN, HE’S GOT A DOG!” and just bolt in the other direction down the path. The dog starts chasing me, and the guy starts chasing the dog. He keeps hollering, “just let me get him across the border, and everything will be fine!”
Then I woke up.
It was the most “realistic”-feeling dream I’ve had in a while. It also had its own soundtrack, which was kind of cool. Not sure if it was music I’d heard at some point or stuff my brain was making up, though.
Alright, take a seat for this one, ‘cause it’s gonna be long.
I don’t remember nearly as many dreams as I used to, probably because I get so little sleep that my brain goes right into REM sleep as soon as I close my eyes and it’s like “I don’t have time to remember any of this nonsense” when it comes to the dreams.
But last night’s dream I remember quite vividly.
In this dream, I’m living in this weird hybrid apartment that’s kind of like my place in Vancouver and kind of like our place here. I have no idea where Nate is or where Jazzy is; it seems like I’m living there alone.
But anyway, I come home one afternoon and Mayor Nenshi is just chilling in my living room. Now I’m pretty sure this is an unrealistic scenario—I doubt part of Nenshi’s re-election campaign is breaking and entering—but my reaction in the dream is one that makes the dream feel real. I’m like, “oh my god, how cool, Mayor Nenshi’s in my house, holy crapples, it’s Mayor Nenshi” etc.
He’s pretty cool with this; he lets me give him a hug and he says that he’s heard all about my walking and wanted to talk to me about it.
Then suddenly there are these two other guys in the house, who are apparently working as Nenshi’s publicists/promoters, and they say that they’re planning on using my commercial to help Nenshi’s campaign.
I’m thinking, “what commercial?” But I say sure, yeah, okay, go for it. They show it to me to get my final approval, and they’ve got all these shot of me talking about Nenshi while dancing around and jumping into bushes and things.
Again, this dream feels very realistic, but at this point I’m doubting the realism in the dream itself, because 1) “my” body in the commercial is way prettier than my actual body, and 2) I don’t remember doing or saying anything I’m doing or saying in the commercial.
But I say it’s all good, so they say they’ll use the commercial. Then they say they want to do another (?) interview with me and that they need some time to set up to do so, so they tell me to “go take a short walk” and come back in a little bit.
I leave and realize that I can’t go down to the river path the way I normally go because there’s some sort of huge music festival at the hospital on the hill, so I end up taking a bus out to some middle-of-nowhere forest place and go walking up there.
Well, a “short walk” to me is like 10 hours or something in this dream, ‘cause the bus sent out a search and rescue team for me since I wasn’t back fast enough, and once I got back to the bus (and the very worried driver and passengers), I realized that I’d kept Nenshi and the commercial guys waiting for a loooong time.
I get back to my apartment with every intention of apologizing profusely for my lateness, but—of course—everyone is gone.
I’m like, “OH SHIT I DONE FUCKED UP THIS TIME,” and I go over to where the commercial guys were and there’s this packet of papers with all these X’s on it and the words “do not use; did not show up for interview” on it. They’ve got some other stuff on there like “do not ask for interview again” and “not appropriate conduct for publicity” or something like that.
And I am very sad, ‘cause I don’t like disappointing people or making them mad.
But then I turn around and notice a little origami box on my desk. I seem to know that this box is from Nenshi himself, so I go over and open it.
Inside is a little piece of paper that says, “Keep on walkin’” with a little smiley face.
Which is all I need for the dream to have a happy ending. Nenshi’s not mad at me and he likes my walking. Badass.
Sorry, that’s just the first dream I’ve so vividly remembered in quite some time, so I had to share it.
Last night I had a dream where I meticulously pulled out every individual strand of hair on my head with a pair of tweezers. Then, with a little laser, wrote a different reason why I’m a garbage human being on each strand.
Conscious me ain’t got nothing on subconscious me when it comes to self-hatred.
Okay, awesome dream time:
Nate and I were living in this weird dorm-type house, except it was much bigger than a dorm and had like four bathrooms. Each bathroom’s main feature was a giant walk-in shower that didn’t actually have walls or a curtain (?).
Anyway, Nate had to go off somewhere for like a three-week stretch, so I stayed home alone. After a few days, I started noticing that these small little fuzzy creatures had started to appear in pairs on the shower drains. At first I could just scare them away by turning on the light, but after a little while, they wouldn’t spook at all and would just remain on the drain regardless of what I did.
They slowly started increasing in size and were kind of a little scary, but I eventually got brave enough to tap one of them with my foot. Turns out that they were kitties! So of course I did the only thing I could do—I took the kitties off all the drains and started petting them and loving them. Every time I turned around, there was another pair of cats on a drain or a rapidly growing kitten on a drain.
This continued until I had amassed about 40 cats over the span of a few days. Nate came home and I was super excited to tell him about the magic drain cats. He quickly discovered that they were not magic drain cats but rather were cats who were getting into the house through an open window that I had not seen.
I was worried that he would want the window shut, but he saw how happy I was with all the cats and said that we could leave the cat window open.
Dudes, I actually woke up crying from happiness because I was so excited that we could keep getting free cats in my dream.
Yeah, I’m not a crazy cat lady at all. 0%.
Good lord, I had a bad dream about Annabelle last night. It was horrific. Let me share it with you.
In the dream, I’m in this mostly empty house with my grandma (on my mom’s side) and Annabelle. We are all just standing around when a huge explosion sounds and a giant fireball appears in the distance. We don’t know if this was some sort of nuclear detonation or a volcano erupting, so we (including Annabelle) to go down to the basement just to be safer from whatever was going to start falling from the sky.
So we head down to the basement and I start calling my mom and Nate, trying to get ahold of them to see if they’re safe. No one is answering and I’m getting more and more panicked. Grandma is, of course, making all these snide, sarcastic remarks about my trying to get ahold of people, and I’m yelling at her to shut up because she’s not making things any better (it’s just like in real life!).
Then water starts coming in through the basement’s outside door at quite a rapid rate. All of us try to keep out of the water, climbing halfway up the basement stairs but still not going back upstairs. Then I see that lava is starting to flow in under the door as well. The lava rapidly starts heating up the water to the point that it is too hot to touch. Meanwhile, the water is rising higher and higher, faster and faster. I’m still on the phone, trying to get in touch with my mom and Nate, panicking because I don’t know if they’re safe or if they’re worried about us.
The water keeps rising and is suddenly nearing the very top of the basement. My grandma and I are on the top few stairs and realize we have to get out. I then notice that Annabelle is not with us. She’s on the top of a bookshelf which is rapidly being surrounded by the rising water. She’s not anywhere near the stairs, and there’s no way I can save her.
I start screaming from the top of the stairs, “I’m sorry, Annabelle! I’m sorry! I’m sorry I can’t save you, I love you!” The water keeps rising and rising and I can’t see her anymore, but I know she’s going to drown.
It was the worst dream I’ve had in a while. I hate dreams involving bad things happening to my kitties, and I really hate dreams where I have no control over the bad things that are happening. The only comfort to this dream is knowing that in real life I 100% would have waded through the boiling hot water to try and save Annabelle. No question.
Last night I had a dream in which a guy I didn’t know sat next to me on the bus and was telling me that he was sexually attracted to lettuce.
Anyway, I feel like 11 different types of garbage today, so that’s all you get. I’m an expert at disappointing everyone, anyway.
Alright, analyze this dream:
So I’m outside this huge NASA building—like where they store the shuttles—and I’m hanging out with some guy who I’m apparently friends with in the dream but who I can’t really see. We’re loitering around outside for a little while and then Neil Armstrong comes out and tells us to go away because he’s going to get into trouble if we get caught.
Other Guy suddenly has a spray can in his hand and we’re both trying to convince Neil to graffiti the outside of the building. He keeps refusing and we keep insisting, to the point where we’re calling him a chicken and a coward for not joining in on our fun.
Finally, when it’s clear he won’t graffiti, Other Guy says, “Okay, fine, if you won’t play with us out here, we’re going to have a drag race!” He points behind him toward a huge NASCAR-like track with a bunch of drag racers on it. In the dream, we know that we’re not going to drag race with the cars but are going to do like an actual NASCAR race with them.
Neil protests this, too, but eventually gives in. He’s afraid of the racecars, though, because he’s never been in one. “This is not like landing on the moon,” he says as we drag him over to the track. “This is complicated.” So Other Guy and I agree to do a test run together in the same car while Neil watches from the sidelines to see how it’s done.
We get in one of the cars and Other Guy’s saying, “See, now let this row of cars pass you first so that it doesn’t look like you’re cheating. The last thing you want is for it to look like you’re cheating. You don’t want to be first.” He was saying this very emphatically and with a lot of emphasis on the words cheating and first. All the while he kept looking back at Neil and gripping the steering wheel really tightly.
Then I woke up.
Thoughts? I wonder if Other Guy was Buzz Aldrin and he was upset about Neil Armstrong being first on the moon instead of him. Maybe he thinks Neil cheated his way down the ladder somehow.
I never dream about fire.
It was a lot of fire, too; like half of the University of Idaho buildings were ablaze and about to come crashing down. I was in one of them, but I was totally calm. It was like I knew I was either going to be rescued or be killed, and I didn’t really care which.
(I got rescued.)
It kind of weirds me out. Seriously, I never, ever dream about fire. If I’m going to dream about an element, it’s going to be water. Though come to think of it, I haven’t had a water-related dream in quite some time, so who knows what that’s about. I’ve always heard that water in dreams is supposed to signify strong emotions—which makes a bit of sense for me, as I can remember a lot of my really intensely water-centric dreams happening during very bad emotional times—but I’ve had a lot of really strong good emotions lately and no water dreams. Maybe I get the water dreams just during the bad emotional times, not the good ones.
I had this super elaborate dream last night, which I was trying really hard to remember this morning, but the only phrase that I could recall from it was this:
“Whenever you accidentally start taking Idaho seriously, remember that a guy named Butch Otter is the state governor.”
True that, brain. True that.