Tag Archives: facebook

Talcum in the Middle


I think I’m going to get off of Facebook for a while. It’s all cringy drama and people announcing pregnancies anymore. And I don’t give a crap about either of these things.

A Thing I’d Never Thought I’d Say:

I prefer Twitter to Facebook now.


  • Of the 40-ish friends I have on Facebook, most of them are either using Facebook to be passive-aggressive to another person or are pooping out kids and posting exclusively about pooping out kids (or, in one bizarre case, passively-aggressively pooping out kids). I have no interest in any of those things.
  • On Twitter, I follow The Royal Society, Calgary Transit, a few pedestrian-promoting groups, some of the AH guys, Stats Canada, other stats groups/dudes, and a fair number of baseball pages/people. So y’know, things that are interesting and drama-free.

(Except for baseball. Sometimes baseball has all the drama.)

So yeah.

Facebook Stalking for DATA!

Here’s more “Claudia is bored” random thingies.

I have 111 friends on Facebook. I wanted to see the distribution of birthdays across the months (and the zodiac signs, because why not?). So I Facebook stalked everyone and found that 97 of my 111 friends had their birthdays listed (at least month and day). Here’s the distribution by month:


I knew I had a lot of February, May, and November, but I didn’t know I had so many April and July. Haha, look at August and September. Very interesting, especially in comparison to this.

And here’s some zodiac just ‘cause:


Stuff ‘n Noise, Noise n’ Stuff


1. This is the most horribly designed infographic ever.

2. This study is old news now I suppose, but I still find it disturbing. 53% of 16-30 year olds would give up their sense of smell for Facebook? What in the hell, people. I’d happily trade all social networking, perhaps even my blogging, for the ability to smell.

3. “Newton, Leibniz, and Pascal were all playing Hide-and-Seek, and it was Leibniz’s turn to count. Pascal immediately runs off and finds a great hiding spot, while Newton simply stands out in the open and draws a one-meter square on the ground around himself. Leibniz finishes counting, and when he looks up, he sees Newton. ‘Aha!’ he yells, ‘I found you!’ Newton responds, ‘No, you found one Newton per square meter- You found Pascal!’” (source)


Again, sorry my blogs have been sucking always lately. Crazy semester is crazy.


In This Blog: Stuff from Facebook ‘Cause I’ve Got Nothing Else Today

I am passionate, calculating, witty, and nine.

30-Day Meme – Day 24: Reveal your most guilty pleasure.
Friday nights. Isolation, Red Bull, random movie, lots of internet, M&Ms, and sometimes fries. I very much look forward to my Friday nights.

Oh, Facebook…

Facebook, Facebook, Facebook.

I just…



Just stop with the changes.

Also, human beings disgust me sometimes. This just puts me into rage mode.

Waiter! There’s a Y in my Vowels!

Three points of interest today.

1. So CNN has an article on Jonathan Taylor Thomas, who apparently reappeared out of nowhere and has just turned 30. The only reason his name has any significance for me is because when I was younger and the fun thing to do with your friends was to have random sleepovers, my friend Lara used to “sleep talk” about dating JTT. I think we all knew she was faking it, but it was fun to mess with her.
Whenever she’d start her sleep dating, I always pretended to be JTT’s “little brother,” Timothy. Lara’d be having this romantic sleep-talk and I’d jump in with “HI, WHATCHA DOIN’, WANNA PLAY?” in a super obnoxious voice. She’d always respond with a disgusted, “ugh, TIMOTHY…Jonathan, your brother is SO annoying…”
Yeah. That news just dredged up that memory for whatever reason.

2. Apart from Facebook’s inane layout changes and Google’s obvious attempts to take over the world, there aren’t that many things that bother me about the internet. But one thing that really gets under my skin is when parents post excessive pictures of their children online. Some parents are able to do this fairly tastefully, but a great number of them aren’t. Of course, if your kids are no longer kids and have given you some form of consent regarding the posting of their lives on your Twitter/Facebook/Tumblr/blog, no big deal. But when you have pictures of babies, toddlers, kindergarteners…hell, even grade-school-age children plastered all over your site and it’s obvious that they are unable to give consent for this, it’s a problem. Ever heard of privacy?
And it’s not just the pictures. Regardless of whatever silly nickname you assign your child online (usually something like “Peanut” or “Mini Mom” or “Donut Boy” or “Daddy’s Little Marketing Tool”), blogging about personal stuff relating to your child is probably not the smartest move. Sure, little “Mommy’s Big Toe Lookalike” is not going to be known by that moniker once he hits puberty (hopefully), but it’s not unlikely that someone who knows your child—another parent or a teacher or even a classmate—could come across your blog, very easily connect the dots, and discover who that embarrassing story involving diarrhea and Disney’s Haunted Mansion was about.
I don’t know if parents just don’t realize this or if they just don’t care. If I ever, by some divine intervention, wind up with spawn, I will do my best to keep them out of my blogging life. Sure, I might post a (non-nude) baby pic or two and maybe something like a family Christmas pic, but Little Claudia will most certainly be sheltered from the blogging publicity that almost every other aspect of my life undergoes.

3. Is this really necessary? I mean, okay, I get it; we spend an exorbitant amount of time on the web and thus would like a way to document our time spent there, especially if a lot of it involves correspondence with friends (heck, I save my MSN Messenger conversations). But to call it “Egobook,” while descriptive, is kind of…distressing.

That is all.

TWSB: Pokes and Tweets and Tech, Oh My!

I’m using the thin veil of “technology involves science” to disguise today’s blog as This Week’s Science Blog. This is mainly because I’ve had trouble finding any super-exciting science articles as of late. Apologies.


This is something I’ve always been pretty interested in: how different generations view and interact with technology. This article, written by Susan Weinschenk, reviews the similarities and differences regarding how three generations, Baby Boomers (born between 1943 and 1961), Generation X-ers (born between 1961 and 1981), and Millenials (or Generation Y, born between 1982 and 2002), interact with technology. The article is super interesting and I recommend reading it, but here are a few highlights with CLAUDIA COMMENTS!

Dualism vs. Ubiquitous: Boomers view technology as something separate, e.g., they “make a call on their cell phone,” while Millenials “make a call” and assume that said call is occurring on a cell phone as implicit information.
I don’t know if this one is inherent to generational differences or just availability differences. It seems like for Millenials (particularly the youngest ones), cell phones have existed forever and pretty much rule the world of telephone communication. To them, a landline phone is a pretty weird thing. Therefore, they make a call and assume that everyone knows the call is occurring via a cell phone because cell phones are the main available tool for making calls. For Boomers, on the other hand, they’ve had to deal with the transition from landline phones as being the main medium of voice communication to cell phones. Therefore, they still feel the need to qualify the means by which they are making a call.

Twitter and Facebook: Millenials prefer Facebook, Generation X-ers prefer Twitter, and Baby Boomers are kind of in the middle with the two.
I thought this one was pretty interesting. I would think the Millenials would be all over Twitter (‘cause, well, they are), but maybe the Generation X-ers like it because it’s not as complicated (read: mutable) as Facebook and therefore is consistently easy to use.

Is Technology Trapping Us? Baby Boomers grew up without the recent technology and are most able of the three generations discussed here to “let it go” and live without it. Generation X-ers are simultaneously most enamored with and feel most trapped by technology. Millenials incorporate technology in their lives pretty much 24/7, but are the most likely to eschew it in favor of more personal communication, such as speaking face-to-face.
It’s interesting that the “middle” generation of X-ers feel the most trapped by technology, but it also make sense. For Boomers, they can leave it ‘cause they remember life without it. Millenials seek to free themselves from it because it’s so engrained in their lives that it can become a hassle. It seems like X-ers have had to make the most effort to incorporate new technology in their lives and therefore have the worst time trying to break free of it again.

Once we’ve all aged another 20-30 years, it’ll be interesting to compare these data with those from Generation Z.

By the way, I found this article via a list entitled “47 Mind-Blowing Psychology-Proven Facts You Should Know About Yourself.” Usually I stay away from lists like these on the internet because they all seem to rehash the same things that everyone already knows over and over again, but this one is wonderfully written and actually involves interesting stuff.

Tonight, I bring you…THE INTERNET!

One of the worst songs to have stuck in your head when you’re trying to figure out the reasons behind the graph I showed you yesterday.

The Sun Run! I was totally there…somewhere, haha.

Did anyone else ever watch this cartoon when they were kids? My dad recorded the episodes onto blank tapes so I could watch them over and
over again.

Feels like drugs.

This is pretty much everything that’s wrong with Facebook. Well, not everything, but a big portion of it.


Facebook, you inconsistent freak show

Random lighthearted Facebook bitch session – commence!

I know that like half of you people who actually read this already have the new profile, but I don’t ‘cause I hate change.
Facebook itself, on the other hand, can’t seem to get enough of it.


So I get this little warning message this afternoon when I logged on—something to the effect of “because you haven’t manually switched over to the new profile yet, we’re going to do it for you! You have ten days to say your goodbyes to the old layout.”
I actually can’t complain about that last part, considering the current (or old) layout pretty much blows.
But what I can complain about is the CONSTANT DAMN CHANGES WTF FACEBOOK.

(Rage over.)

I think my favorite part is the “about” section wherein they introduce the new layout like Steve Jobs introduces a new product (video, indie music, and shots of someone having a semi-normal existence with [insert new product here]). I mean come on, it’s not like we have a choice here. If we’re staying on Facebook we’re getting the “upgrade” whether we like it or not, so why try to introduce it like some revolutionary new MUST HAVE thing?


Zuckerberg, I am disappoint.

The Four Corporations of the Apocalypse

I’m amazed by large corporations. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because the larger companies get, the more fiercely they seem to push for their right to be the largest company, especially when they have to muscle out some other company for top spot. I find it amusing, interesting, and frightening all at the same time.

Due to the insane technological advances we’ve been making in the past decade, along with help from the glorious, glorious internet, we’ve been able to witness the birth of mega corporations that are able to grow to tremendous sizes and pretty much envelop everything they touch. And when they decide to merge, we’re all in trouble.


Oh come on, you know which ones I mean…


Microsoft (area of dominance: computing)
Not only does Microsoft (in my opinion, at least) pretty much own the computing sector with their PCs, they’ve also got quite a monopoly on software (Microsoft Office, anyone?), plus Internet Explorer, Zune, Windows Media, Windows Live (including Hotmail and Messenger), and the Xbox 360.
It’s probably the weakest of the four corporate giants as I see them, but it’s still got a pretty strong hold on things when you think about it. Hell, I typed this out in Microsoft Word and uploaded it in IE*. I guess the reason it seems weak is because it’s not expanding at the rate of the other corporations I’ve listed.


Speaking of expansion…


Apple (area of dominance: portable media)
Remember that time where Apple only made those dorky computers? Haha, yeah. Nostalgia. Now there are IPHONES EVERYWHERE. Perhaps you read my blog about my adventure in the Apple store. If not, go read it, slacker! here’s the summary: people are psycho for Apple products. The company is rapidly gaining ground in the portable media sector.
– Music.
– Phones.
– Phones that also play music.
– Wi-Fi access in small electronics.
– Wi-Fi access in small electronics that also act as phones and play music
– Whatever the hell the iPad is.
– But wait! A newer version of the Wi-Fi/phone/music thing!

You get the idea.

Apple has pretty much taken over the “check out this electronic doohickey I’m carrying!” area, and it doesn’t show any signs of slowing up. Pair this with the grip it’s got on the music sales industry via iTunes and you’re looking at one powerful company.


Facebook (area of dominance: personal information)
The king of personal information, Facebook as it stands right now is quite frightening. It’s not Big Brother we have to worry about, but each other, now that we’re able to pretty much list everything down to our genetic code on a social networking site. The worst part about it is how addicting it is. I’m not ashamed (though I probably should be) that I went through a freaky little withdrawal stage when I shut down my Facebook account for a few months back in May (April? Whenever), and was pretty much fully hooked on it again when I came back. Despite all the privacy issues Facebook’s having right now, I don’t think the number of people using the site will decrease by any significant amount anytime soon, thus leaving those of us in Facebook Land a good population in which to search and stalk.


Google (area of dominance: general information)
Last but certainly not least is Google. Google is terrifying.

Google will own the world in approximately seven more years.
In a decade, “Googling” will no longer just be a word for “searching via google.com” but will be a euphemism for all sorts of other things (possibly dirty things). In twenty years, we’ll have street views of Alpha Centauri.

Can you tell this company frightens me?

I guess if you name your company after something as big as a googol, you’re pretty much destined to be of the mindset to want to expand as much as possible. Their getting their hands on YouTube was the final “oh crap!” moment for me, now I’m just waiting for the blue, red, yellow and green takeover. Or should I say takeooooooooooooover.


Paranoia? Perhaps. But I’m waiting for the day Google decides to merge with Apple, they conquer Facebook, and Microsoft decides to join in just because. Then we’re screwed.

*Anyone who gives me browser choice crap is invited to come over and count the number of times Firefox crashes when I use it. That browser and I don’t get along, I like IE best, shut the hell up.


Today’s song: Protection (Sirius Mo Radio Edit) by Ben Mono

Facebook and I broke up because I was seeing another layout

I’m on a (most likely temporary) hiatus from Facebook. Reasons are as follows:
1. The constant status updates were getting to me. I really don’t care that much.
2. The sheer amount of time some people spend on it is disturbing, and I don’t want that to happen to me (that’s what MySpace is for, haha).

The third item mentioned obviously carries the most weight. I logged in yesterday morning to find my “info” page changed around YET AGAIN (be warned, I think they’re just starting to phase this in and I was one of the unlucky first to get it).

Unfortunately, I’ll probably be back at some point, as a few of my friends I only have contact with via Facebook, the SHAPE-SHIFTING SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE OF ETERNAL TRANSFORMATIVE CHAOS!

Another point of worth:
It really is impossible to make a bad remix of Sleepyhead. The song is like audible Prozac for me, I listen to it (or a remix, or a cover, etc.,) and everything but the happies in my pants disappears. Yayzorz.

Today’s song: Save by The Rocket Summer (the new remix is technically tomorrow’s song, so you’ll just have to wait)

It’s time for your daily Claudia rambling! Put on your blog bonnets!

I haven’t given you guys a good old-fashioned rant in awhile, save the one on TA-ing a few days ago and the several on how much grad school is a waste of time. However, those don’t really count, since they actually got my blood pressure up to the point where I could feel my heartbeat in my eye. My usual blog rants are mainly about things that just don’t matter at all, but about which I feel like complaining; thus, they are semi-entertaining (at least, I like to pretend they are).

So tonight I give you a good old-fashioned Claudia rant, ‘cause it’s been a while. And because light-hearted ranting is good for the soul.


Today’s example: Facebook. As I think I’ve mentioned before, I’m kind of jaded with Facebook, and here are a couple of reasons why:

1. The layout(s).
Pick one! Freaking hell! What is it about trying to stay “modern” that makes websites/programs/everything want to change their layouts? Office 2007 did it and it was a disaster. Facebook decides to do it like every other week. Now YouTube did it, too, and it looks like crap. When Google eventually decides to change their homepage, I’m going to start shooting people.

2. The fact that they don’t capitalize “Facebook.”
I know, MySpace does this too, but for some reason that lowercase “f” really bothers me. You are a proper noun. Give yourself the respect you think others think you should deserve.

3. Poking.

4. The applications.
There are two types of people in Facebook land: those who subscribe to (or play/join/what the hell ever) 50 or so applications, and those who just absolutely hate them. Yes, I’m fully aware you can hide application notices. I’m also fully aware that the point of Facebook was so that you wouldn’t have to put up with hiding application notices you got on MySpace.

5. The people who update their status 5+ times per day.
“_______ just woke up!” “________ had a bagel!” “_________ exists!” “________ needs a self-esteem boost, and therefore is posting another status update to get noticed!” Really? That’s what Twitter is for.

6. The people who basically use their profile as a showcase for their baby.
I have a friend on there who has 16 albums dedicated to their kid, each with about 30 pictures. They also fall into annoyance sector #5, except 90% of their status updates are about…guess what? “________’s baby is teething! ________’s nipples hurt!”

7. The ability for everyone to make fan pages of just about every stupid occurrence, enjoyment, or annoyance in human history.
These include pages about how much “the little triangle that the windshield wipers never get” plagues people in their sleep, how amazing sex is, redoing high fives if they’re not good enough the first time, using cellphones as flashlights, etc., etc., you get the idea. I get it, you’re a fan of the little things in life. Do you have to let the world know? Joining the group was one thing, but now you must jump on the bandwagon of becoming a fan of something just because you’ve laughed at the occurrence once in your life? Is this really a productive way for the human race to spend its time?


So…Facebook has slowly developed to include and/or involve: inability to commit, poor capitalization habits, promotion of poking people, tons of time-wasting stuff that clogs up your life, egomaniacs, and promoting stupidity via mass-promotion of fads.
Sounds like high school.

Freaking hell, people.


Today’s song: Viva la Love Story by Jon Schmidt

A Day in the Life of a Covariance Matrix

Not really, but it would make a good Flash, don’t you think?
“Don’t make me divide by the square root of the product of my two variances, mom! I’m not ready to become a correlation!!”


There’s only one thing to do in this situation.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

(Yes, this happened FIVE TIMES in a row)

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Stranger: ooooooooo
You: Did I create you while I was dreaming during my 7th day nap?
Stranger: b what ur figure
You: Holy
Stranger: no its size
You: Infinite
Stranger: no its joking
Stranger: pls said
You: The Lord does not joke
Stranger: are u female
You: I am genderless
Your conversational partner has disconnected.


Dear Facebook,
We know you’ve been through some rough times as of late. The world’s changing and, well, we know you want to keep up with its demands. But you have to believe us when we say that we love you for who you are at the website level, not the layout level.
So please stop changing your damn layout.

The Public


Today’s song: To Modern Science by The Black and White Years

I’m not in the mood to write a samba!

I never thought people were this stupid.


Wait. Yes I did. This just confirmed it.

More Facebook crap

I am weird.
Observe this via old Facebook wall posts I’ve made:

Hmm…you do indeed have a valid point about the Muffin Man.

I’m a nut, baby! Cashew!

This snow is asscockshitrapeFUCK!



Poor Aneel. He is robbed of these deeply intellectual posts. All he gets are conversations with dead presidents and me going, “I’m gonna post again! I’m gonna post again!”

Sanity is fleeting.
Like yogurt.

From the “Christ” to the “mas”, have sex while it lasts!

Happy Sexday! You’re the sexiest sex that ever sexed.
…wait, that’s not right…

Tra-la-la! Let’s go milk some he-brides!
But only gently and in a rhythmic pattern. Otherwise we’d butcher the music as well as some delicate mammary glands.

I’ll bet that there are at least…hmm…I’ll say 5 he-bride pirates sailing about the seven seas nowadays. At least some of them must be preparing weddings soon…
“Arr, matey! I be seein’ a weddin’ on the horizon!”
“Aye, Captain. Petey here say that he and Peg-leg Willy be luvin in that there life boat last night.”
“Arr. Remind me never to sit in that there lifeboat.”
“Aye-aye, sir.”
“So back to this weddin’ business. They be servin’ scallops fer hors d’overs at the ceremony?”
“Aye…Captain Blind Seymour be likin’ scallops.”
Etc, etc.

Maaaaaaagie…I’m writing to you from the graaaaaave!!
Or rather, the library computers on the third floor. Same thing.
If you’re going to concert band today, I’ll see you in about 2 1/2 hours.
…from the graaaaaaaave!

Your total: asscockshitrapeFUCK!

Did I take it off? Really? I didn’t mean to…hmm. (this sounds so dirty)

Damn you! That’s when *I* pretend to be god!

Maggie, I have a very serious question to ask you.
Who put the goat in there?

Oh, sweet! We should all go to KENYAAAA!

I have a very serious question for you to ponder…
If Lucretia Mac Evil were to Tear the Pants off this Sucker, would someone subsequently Come on Eileen?
(song #23 + #46 = #69; it must be so!) (I had to put this one up here)

You dirty little boy, you…
…do I have to teach you a lesson?


I’m a loser, aren’t I? But an entertaining one at least.


Also, “quhzk” should now be officially inducted into the Scrabble dictionary because of Metalocalypse.
Skwisgaar: “Is this a words? Q U H Z K?”
Toki: “Quhzk! That’s whats a duck says.”

We should petition. And I’m totally playing that word if I ever get the opportunity, just try and stop me.

Mimicking inflection: a study in imitation and how to manipulate people who “talk like this?”

I’m pissy today. List form as always.

Things that are entirely too overrated

 The damn applications on Facebook
I thought the concept of Facebook was to provide college students with a more sophisticated tool than MySpace to communicate with peers. Apparently, college students can’t handle simplicity and ease of use, because 97% of pages I visit now have dozens of those stupid Facebook “applications” clogging up the screen and utterly destroying the beauty that was the simplicity of the site. Listen, I don’t care what kind of eyes you have. I don’t care that you have so little of a life that you must participate in online movie quizzes. I don’t care which Greek God you are. I don’t care what emoticon best fits your current mood. And here’s something that may be shocking: you aren’t important enough to have a second wall dubbed the “Super Wall.” Get a MySpace and be obnoxious there. Please leave your juvenile endeavors off of Facebook. And please, for the love of god—stop sending me invitations to add applications. I’m not going to. I only have one application, and it fits in with the rest of the site’s format.

Squirrels suck.

Yes, we know you think they’re cool. But let me tell you something—you aren’t a ninja, you never will be a ninja, and the odds of you encountering a ninja, shouting something to the effect of, “OMG A NINJA LOL!!!!1” and coming out of the situation with anything less than a bashed in skull are very, very minimal.

Same as ninjas. Yeah, yeah, we all love them. Now shut the hell up.

 Copying others
Come up with your own freaking crap. Failing your ability to do so, at least give the person you’re copying some credit. This pisses me off more than you can ever know.

 Using grossly incorrect grammar to sound “cute”
Phrases like “I’s a squirrel!” and “I has a Oreo!” make my blood curdle. It’s not cute, it’s not funny, and it’s not doing much to make you look like an intelligent human being. Either use correct grammar or shut the hell up.

 Brandishing your so-called “mental disorders” for all the world to see
Self-explanatory. If you’re one of those people who has on your MySpace (or what have you) a list of your “mental disorders,” you are, in fact, a moron. There is no practical need for anyone who really has a mental disorder to go brandishing the fact to the general public. In fact, most people who do this really don’t have any mental disorders to speak of, they’re simply attention whores who feel the need to exploit the fact that they arrange their socks in a particular order (because we all know that “normal” people don’t like their clothing in any specific order—thus they must be obsessive-compuslive!) or that they are, on occasion, moody (because god forbid we should attribute any fluctuation in mood to anything other than bipolar disorder) in order to illicit some sort of response from the readers, be it sympathy, intrigue, or just attention in general.

It’s shoving a shaft of flesh up a hole, people, big deal. 

The University of Idaho Honors Program
Bunch of snobby, self-righteous, “holier-than-thou” elitists who think that just because they have the minimum GPA (it’s just a 3.5, people, seriously) to be inducted into the society they are somehow “smarter” than those of us who, by choice, aren’t involved. The classes they require you to take to remain in the program would be pointless digressions in my academic career, thus my refusal to have anything to do with them. They’re offering this semester, two—count them, two—upper division classes. One is a geography class. The other is a history class. Yes, let’s pick the two least popular majors and offer upper division classes in those! Ooh, better yet, let’s offer all the lower, 100-level classes as either a) introductory classes that nearly everybody’s taken, b) chemistry, or c) another freaking history class! Because delaying the graduation of our members is more important than giving them classes that pertain to their future careers.







Holly Carp now has a Facebook. And in case you weren’t there and are wondering what the hell I’m talking about and what the big deal is, Holly Carp is an individual Maggie and I discovered on the night before the band trip down to Boise, the night we stayed up all night and were IM-ing each other while sitting right next to each other.

And in case you’re not on Facebook and want to know of this wonderful being, here is her profile:


Activities: being awesome, quoting the Bible verbatim, quoting the fish equivalent of the Bible verbatim, confounding the most genius of the human species, swimming, looking for a mate to fertilize my eggs, making fishy faces at confused passers-by, holding talk therapy groups for sharks confused about their sexuality, marketing my self-help video entitled “Who Needs a Doral Fin When You’ve Got a Name That is Commonly Confused with the Word “Crap”?”, bumming rides off of people, DJ-ing, playing solitaire, solving live’s mysteries, calling the operator and having lengthy discussions about why they chose their career, convincing people I’m real, being a stunt double for Dr. Phil, eating whatever the hell carp eat, break dancing.

Interests: philosophy, contact sports, optometry, humans’ depletion of natural resources and how we’re all screwed, Nebraska, the “Holly Carp Is Real” Campaign, WSU and their fascination with large cats, WSU and their placement of the cattle breeding pen in close proximity to the captive bear area, volleyball, other carp.

Favorite Music: Katrina and the Waves, The Backstreet Boys, Kenny G.

Favorite TV Shows: The Dr. Phil Show

Favorite Movies: Finding Nemo

Favorite Books: The World According to Carp, How to Keep Koi, Goldfish and Other Carp, Carp Fishing on Valium, Die Like the Carp!, Carp in the Bathtub, Richard Scarry’s Best First Book Ever.

Favorite Quotes: “Holly Carp is real.”

About Me: I am Holly Carp. I am real. I type in all-caps because I’m just that important. I enjoy long walks on the beach, or preferably in the water itself, me being a carp and all.
I am all-knowing and all-powerful. My powers of logic and deduction astonish even the most intelligent of men, including Stephen Hawking, one of many whom I have single-handedly beat at swimming.
I won the gold medal in Awesome in the first Olympic games.
I alone built five miles of the Great Wall of China.
I fantasize nightly of a schooner whose love I was lucky enough to possess one lonely night when the waters were still and our hearts were a-flutter with true love.
I’m looking to find a man of similar interests and who has big gills. Seriously though, gill size doesn’t matter. But I’d like his to be big.

Like, huge.



I also noticed a few minutes ago that in the religious views is typed, “I worship cod,” which rhymes nicely with “I worship god.”


I’m funny.