Tag Archives: facebook

Talcum in the Middle


I think I’m going to get off of Facebook for a while. It’s all cringy drama and people announcing pregnancies anymore. And I don’t give a crap about either of these things.

A Thing I’d Never Thought I’d Say:

I prefer Twitter to Facebook now.


  • Of the 40-ish friends I have on Facebook, most of them are either using Facebook to be passive-aggressive to another person or are pooping out kids and posting exclusively about pooping out kids (or, in one bizarre case, passively-aggressively pooping out kids). I have no interest in any of those things.
  • On Twitter, I follow The Royal Society, Calgary Transit, a few pedestrian-promoting groups, some of the AH guys, Stats Canada, other stats groups/dudes, and a fair number of baseball pages/people. So y’know, things that are interesting and drama-free.

(Except for baseball. Sometimes baseball has all the drama.)

So yeah.

Facebook Stalking for DATA!

Here’s more “Claudia is bored” random thingies.

I have 111 friends on Facebook. I wanted to see the distribution of birthdays across the months (and the zodiac signs, because why not?). So I Facebook stalked everyone and found that 97 of my 111 friends had their birthdays listed (at least month and day). Here’s the distribution by month:


I knew I had a lot of February, May, and November, but I didn’t know I had so many April and July. Haha, look at August and September. Very interesting, especially in comparison to this.

And here’s some zodiac just ‘cause:


Stuff ‘n Noise, Noise n’ Stuff


1. This is the most horribly designed infographic ever.

2. This study is old news now I suppose, but I still find it disturbing. 53% of 16-30 year olds would give up their sense of smell for Facebook? What in the hell, people. I’d happily trade all social networking, perhaps even my blogging, for the ability to smell.

3. “Newton, Leibniz, and Pascal were all playing Hide-and-Seek, and it was Leibniz’s turn to count. Pascal immediately runs off and finds a great hiding spot, while Newton simply stands out in the open and draws a one-meter square on the ground around himself. Leibniz finishes counting, and when he looks up, he sees Newton. ‘Aha!’ he yells, ‘I found you!’ Newton responds, ‘No, you found one Newton per square meter- You found Pascal!’” (source)


Again, sorry my blogs have been sucking always lately. Crazy semester is crazy.


In This Blog: Stuff from Facebook ‘Cause I’ve Got Nothing Else Today

I am passionate, calculating, witty, and nine.

30-Day Meme – Day 24: Reveal your most guilty pleasure.
Friday nights. Isolation, Red Bull, random movie, lots of internet, M&Ms, and sometimes fries. I very much look forward to my Friday nights.

Oh, Facebook…

Facebook, Facebook, Facebook.

I just…



Just stop with the changes.

Also, human beings disgust me sometimes. This just puts me into rage mode.

Waiter! There’s a Y in my Vowels!

Three points of interest today.

1. So CNN has an article on Jonathan Taylor Thomas, who apparently reappeared out of nowhere and has just turned 30. The only reason his name has any significance for me is because when I was younger and the fun thing to do with your friends was to have random sleepovers, my friend Lara used to “sleep talk” about dating JTT. I think we all knew she was faking it, but it was fun to mess with her.
Whenever she’d start her sleep dating, I always pretended to be JTT’s “little brother,” Timothy. Lara’d be having this romantic sleep-talk and I’d jump in with “HI, WHATCHA DOIN’, WANNA PLAY?” in a super obnoxious voice. She’d always respond with a disgusted, “ugh, TIMOTHY…Jonathan, your brother is SO annoying…”
Yeah. That news just dredged up that memory for whatever reason.

2. Apart from Facebook’s inane layout changes and Google’s obvious attempts to take over the world, there aren’t that many things that bother me about the internet. But one thing that really gets under my skin is when parents post excessive pictures of their children online. Some parents are able to do this fairly tastefully, but a great number of them aren’t. Of course, if your kids are no longer kids and have given you some form of consent regarding the posting of their lives on your Twitter/Facebook/Tumblr/blog, no big deal. But when you have pictures of babies, toddlers, kindergarteners…hell, even grade-school-age children plastered all over your site and it’s obvious that they are unable to give consent for this, it’s a problem. Ever heard of privacy?
And it’s not just the pictures. Regardless of whatever silly nickname you assign your child online (usually something like “Peanut” or “Mini Mom” or “Donut Boy” or “Daddy’s Little Marketing Tool”), blogging about personal stuff relating to your child is probably not the smartest move. Sure, little “Mommy’s Big Toe Lookalike” is not going to be known by that moniker once he hits puberty (hopefully), but it’s not unlikely that someone who knows your child—another parent or a teacher or even a classmate—could come across your blog, very easily connect the dots, and discover who that embarrassing story involving diarrhea and Disney’s Haunted Mansion was about.
I don’t know if parents just don’t realize this or if they just don’t care. If I ever, by some divine intervention, wind up with spawn, I will do my best to keep them out of my blogging life. Sure, I might post a (non-nude) baby pic or two and maybe something like a family Christmas pic, but Little Claudia will most certainly be sheltered from the blogging publicity that almost every other aspect of my life undergoes.

3. Is this really necessary? I mean, okay, I get it; we spend an exorbitant amount of time on the web and thus would like a way to document our time spent there, especially if a lot of it involves correspondence with friends (heck, I save my MSN Messenger conversations). But to call it “Egobook,” while descriptive, is kind of…distressing.

That is all.

TWSB: Pokes and Tweets and Tech, Oh My!

I’m using the thin veil of “technology involves science” to disguise today’s blog as This Week’s Science Blog. This is mainly because I’ve had trouble finding any super-exciting science articles as of late. Apologies.


This is something I’ve always been pretty interested in: how different generations view and interact with technology. This article, written by Susan Weinschenk, reviews the similarities and differences regarding how three generations, Baby Boomers (born between 1943 and 1961), Generation X-ers (born between 1961 and 1981), and Millenials (or Generation Y, born between 1982 and 2002), interact with technology. The article is super interesting and I recommend reading it, but here are a few highlights with CLAUDIA COMMENTS!

Dualism vs. Ubiquitous: Boomers view technology as something separate, e.g., they “make a call on their cell phone,” while Millenials “make a call” and assume that said call is occurring on a cell phone as implicit information.
I don’t know if this one is inherent to generational differences or just availability differences. It seems like for Millenials (particularly the youngest ones), cell phones have existed forever and pretty much rule the world of telephone communication. To them, a landline phone is a pretty weird thing. Therefore, they make a call and assume that everyone knows the call is occurring via a cell phone because cell phones are the main available tool for making calls. For Boomers, on the other hand, they’ve had to deal with the transition from landline phones as being the main medium of voice communication to cell phones. Therefore, they still feel the need to qualify the means by which they are making a call.

Twitter and Facebook: Millenials prefer Facebook, Generation X-ers prefer Twitter, and Baby Boomers are kind of in the middle with the two.
I thought this one was pretty interesting. I would think the Millenials would be all over Twitter (‘cause, well, they are), but maybe the Generation X-ers like it because it’s not as complicated (read: mutable) as Facebook and therefore is consistently easy to use.

Is Technology Trapping Us? Baby Boomers grew up without the recent technology and are most able of the three generations discussed here to “let it go” and live without it. Generation X-ers are simultaneously most enamored with and feel most trapped by technology. Millenials incorporate technology in their lives pretty much 24/7, but are the most likely to eschew it in favor of more personal communication, such as speaking face-to-face.
It’s interesting that the “middle” generation of X-ers feel the most trapped by technology, but it also make sense. For Boomers, they can leave it ‘cause they remember life without it. Millenials seek to free themselves from it because it’s so engrained in their lives that it can become a hassle. It seems like X-ers have had to make the most effort to incorporate new technology in their lives and therefore have the worst time trying to break free of it again.

Once we’ve all aged another 20-30 years, it’ll be interesting to compare these data with those from Generation Z.

By the way, I found this article via a list entitled “47 Mind-Blowing Psychology-Proven Facts You Should Know About Yourself.” Usually I stay away from lists like these on the internet because they all seem to rehash the same things that everyone already knows over and over again, but this one is wonderfully written and actually involves interesting stuff.

Tonight, I bring you…THE INTERNET!

One of the worst songs to have stuck in your head when you’re trying to figure out the reasons behind the graph I showed you yesterday.

The Sun Run! I was totally there…somewhere, haha.

Did anyone else ever watch this cartoon when they were kids? My dad recorded the episodes onto blank tapes so I could watch them over and
over again.

Feels like drugs.

This is pretty much everything that’s wrong with Facebook. Well, not everything, but a big portion of it.


Facebook, you inconsistent freak show

Random lighthearted Facebook bitch session – commence!

I know that like half of you people who actually read this already have the new profile, but I don’t ‘cause I hate change.
Facebook itself, on the other hand, can’t seem to get enough of it.


So I get this little warning message this afternoon when I logged on—something to the effect of “because you haven’t manually switched over to the new profile yet, we’re going to do it for you! You have ten days to say your goodbyes to the old layout.”
I actually can’t complain about that last part, considering the current (or old) layout pretty much blows.
But what I can complain about is the CONSTANT DAMN CHANGES WTF FACEBOOK.

(Rage over.)

I think my favorite part is the “about” section wherein they introduce the new layout like Steve Jobs introduces a new product (video, indie music, and shots of someone having a semi-normal existence with [insert new product here]). I mean come on, it’s not like we have a choice here. If we’re staying on Facebook we’re getting the “upgrade” whether we like it or not, so why try to introduce it like some revolutionary new MUST HAVE thing?


Zuckerberg, I am disappoint.

The Four Corporations of the Apocalypse

I’m amazed by large corporations. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because the larger companies get, the more fiercely they seem to push for their right to be the largest company, especially when they have to muscle out some other company for top spot. I find it amusing, interesting, and frightening all at the same time.

Due to the insane technological advances we’ve been making in the past decade, along with help from the glorious, glorious internet, we’ve been able to witness the birth of mega corporations that are able to grow to tremendous sizes and pretty much envelop everything they touch. And when they decide to merge, we’re all in trouble.


Oh come on, you know which ones I mean…


Microsoft (area of dominance: computing)
Not only does Microsoft (in my opinion, at least) pretty much own the computing sector with their PCs, they’ve also got quite a monopoly on software (Microsoft Office, anyone?), plus Internet Explorer, Zune, Windows Media, Windows Live (including Hotmail and Messenger), and the Xbox 360.
It’s probably the weakest of the four corporate giants as I see them, but it’s still got a pretty strong hold on things when you think about it. Hell, I typed this out in Microsoft Word and uploaded it in IE*. I guess the reason it seems weak is because it’s not expanding at the rate of the other corporations I’ve listed.


Speaking of expansion…


Apple (area of dominance: portable media)
Remember that time where Apple only made those dorky computers? Haha, yeah. Nostalgia. Now there are IPHONES EVERYWHERE. Perhaps you read my blog about my adventure in the Apple store. If not, go read it, slacker! here’s the summary: people are psycho for Apple products. The company is rapidly gaining ground in the portable media sector.
– Music.
– Phones.
– Phones that also play music.
– Wi-Fi access in small electronics.
– Wi-Fi access in small electronics that also act as phones and play music
– Whatever the hell the iPad is.
– But wait! A newer version of the Wi-Fi/phone/music thing!

You get the idea.

Apple has pretty much taken over the “check out this electronic doohickey I’m carrying!” area, and it doesn’t show any signs of slowing up. Pair this with the grip it’s got on the music sales industry via iTunes and you’re looking at one powerful company.


Facebook (area of dominance: personal information)
The king of personal information, Facebook as it stands right now is quite frightening. It’s not Big Brother we have to worry about, but each other, now that we’re able to pretty much list everything down to our genetic code on a social networking site. The worst part about it is how addicting it is. I’m not ashamed (though I probably should be) that I went through a freaky little withdrawal stage when I shut down my Facebook account for a few months back in May (April? Whenever), and was pretty much fully hooked on it again when I came back. Despite all the privacy issues Facebook’s having right now, I don’t think the number of people using the site will decrease by any significant amount anytime soon, thus leaving those of us in Facebook Land a good population in which to search and stalk.


Google (area of dominance: general information)
Last but certainly not least is Google. Google is terrifying.

Google will own the world in approximately seven more years.
In a decade, “Googling” will no longer just be a word for “searching via google.com” but will be a euphemism for all sorts of other things (possibly dirty things). In twenty years, we’ll have street views of Alpha Centauri.

Can you tell this company frightens me?

I guess if you name your company after something as big as a googol, you’re pretty much destined to be of the mindset to want to expand as much as possible. Their getting their hands on YouTube was the final “oh crap!” moment for me, now I’m just waiting for the blue, red, yellow and green takeover. Or should I say takeooooooooooooover.


Paranoia? Perhaps. But I’m waiting for the day Google decides to merge with Apple, they conquer Facebook, and Microsoft decides to join in just because. Then we’re screwed.

*Anyone who gives me browser choice crap is invited to come over and count the number of times Firefox crashes when I use it. That browser and I don’t get along, I like IE best, shut the hell up.


Today’s song: Protection (Sirius Mo Radio Edit) by Ben Mono

Facebook and I broke up because I was seeing another layout

I’m on a (most likely temporary) hiatus from Facebook. Reasons are as follows:
1. The constant status updates were getting to me. I really don’t care that much.
2. The sheer amount of time some people spend on it is disturbing, and I don’t want that to happen to me (that’s what MySpace is for, haha).

The third item mentioned obviously carries the most weight. I logged in yesterday morning to find my “info” page changed around YET AGAIN (be warned, I think they’re just starting to phase this in and I was one of the unlucky first to get it).

Unfortunately, I’ll probably be back at some point, as a few of my friends I only have contact with via Facebook, the SHAPE-SHIFTING SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE OF ETERNAL TRANSFORMATIVE CHAOS!

Another point of worth:
It really is impossible to make a bad remix of Sleepyhead. The song is like audible Prozac for me, I listen to it (or a remix, or a cover, etc.,) and everything but the happies in my pants disappears. Yayzorz.

Today’s song: Save by The Rocket Summer (the new remix is technically tomorrow’s song, so you’ll just have to wait)

It’s time for your daily Claudia rambling! Put on your blog bonnets!

I haven’t given you guys a good old-fashioned rant in awhile, save the one on TA-ing a few days ago and the several on how much grad school is a waste of time. However, those don’t really count, since they actually got my blood pressure up to the point where I could feel my heartbeat in my eye. My usual blog rants are mainly about things that just don’t matter at all, but about which I feel like complaining; thus, they are semi-entertaining (at least, I like to pretend they are).

So tonight I give you a good old-fashioned Claudia rant, ‘cause it’s been a while. And because light-hearted ranting is good for the soul.


Today’s example: Facebook. As I think I’ve mentioned before, I’m kind of jaded with Facebook, and here are a couple of reasons why:

1. The layout(s).
Pick one! Freaking hell! What is it about trying to stay “modern” that makes websites/programs/everything want to change their layouts? Office 2007 did it and it was a disaster. Facebook decides to do it like every other week. Now YouTube did it, too, and it looks like crap. When Google eventually decides to change their homepage, I’m going to start shooting people.

2. The fact that they don’t capitalize “Facebook.”
I know, MySpace does this too, but for some reason that lowercase “f” really bothers me. You are a proper noun. Give yourself the respect you think others think you should deserve.

3. Poking.

4. The applications.
There are two types of people in Facebook land: those who subscribe to (or play/join/what the hell ever) 50 or so applications, and those who just absolutely hate them. Yes, I’m fully aware you can hide application notices. I’m also fully aware that the point of Facebook was so that you wouldn’t have to put up with hiding application notices you got on MySpace.

5. The people who update their status 5+ times per day.
“_______ just woke up!” “________ had a bagel!” “_________ exists!” “________ needs a self-esteem boost, and therefore is posting another status update to get noticed!” Really? That’s what Twitter is for.

6. The people who basically use their profile as a showcase for their baby.
I have a friend on there who has 16 albums dedicated to their kid, each with about 30 pictures. They also fall into annoyance sector #5, except 90% of their status updates are about…guess what? “________’s baby is teething! ________’s nipples hurt!”

7. The ability for everyone to make fan pages of just about every stupid occurrence, enjoyment, or annoyance in human history.
These include pages about how much “the little triangle that the windshield wipers never get” plagues people in their sleep, how amazing sex is, redoing high fives if they’re not good enough the first time, using cellphones as flashlights, etc., etc., you get the idea. I get it, you’re a fan of the little things in life. Do you have to let the world know? Joining the group was one thing, but now you must jump on the bandwagon of becoming a fan of something just because you’ve laughed at the occurrence once in your life? Is this really a productive way for the human race to spend its time?


So…Facebook has slowly developed to include and/or involve: inability to commit, poor capitalization habits, promotion of poking people, tons of time-wasting stuff that clogs up your life, egomaniacs, and promoting stupidity via mass-promotion of fads.
Sounds like high school.

Freaking hell, people.


Today’s song: Viva la Love Story by Jon Schmidt

A Day in the Life of a Covariance Matrix

Not really, but it would make a good Flash, don’t you think?
“Don’t make me divide by the square root of the product of my two variances, mom! I’m not ready to become a correlation!!”


There’s only one thing to do in this situation.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

(Yes, this happened FIVE TIMES in a row)

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Stranger: ooooooooo
You: Did I create you while I was dreaming during my 7th day nap?
Stranger: b what ur figure
You: Holy
Stranger: no its size
You: Infinite
Stranger: no its joking
Stranger: pls said
You: The Lord does not joke
Stranger: are u female
You: I am genderless
Your conversational partner has disconnected.


Dear Facebook,
We know you’ve been through some rough times as of late. The world’s changing and, well, we know you want to keep up with its demands. But you have to believe us when we say that we love you for who you are at the website level, not the layout level.
So please stop changing your damn layout.

The Public


Today’s song: To Modern Science by The Black and White Years

I’m not in the mood to write a samba!

I never thought people were this stupid.


Wait. Yes I did. This just confirmed it.

More Facebook crap

I am weird.
Observe this via old Facebook wall posts I’ve made:

Hmm…you do indeed have a valid point about the Muffin Man.

I’m a nut, baby! Cashew!

This snow is asscockshitrapeFUCK!



Poor Aneel. He is robbed of these deeply intellectual posts. All he gets are conversations with dead presidents and me going, “I’m gonna post again! I’m gonna post again!”

Sanity is fleeting.
Like yogurt.

From the “Christ” to the “mas”, have sex while it lasts!

Happy Sexday! You’re the sexiest sex that ever sexed.
…wait, that’s not right…

Tra-la-la! Let’s go milk some he-brides!
But only gently and in a rhythmic pattern. Otherwise we’d butcher the music as well as some delicate mammary glands.

I’ll bet that there are at least…hmm…I’ll say 5 he-bride pirates sailing about the seven seas nowadays. At least some of them must be preparing weddings soon…
“Arr, matey! I be seein’ a weddin’ on the horizon!”
“Aye, Captain. Petey here say that he and Peg-leg Willy be luvin in that there life boat last night.”
“Arr. Remind me never to sit in that there lifeboat.”
“Aye-aye, sir.”
“So back to this weddin’ business. They be servin’ scallops fer hors d’overs at the ceremony?”
“Aye…Captain Blind Seymour be likin’ scallops.”
Etc, etc.

Maaaaaaagie…I’m writing to you from the graaaaaave!!
Or rather, the library computers on the third floor. Same thing.
If you’re going to concert band today, I’ll see you in about 2 1/2 hours.
…from the graaaaaaaave!

Your total: asscockshitrapeFUCK!

Did I take it off? Really? I didn’t mean to…hmm. (this sounds so dirty)

Damn you! That’s when *I* pretend to be god!

Maggie, I have a very serious question to ask you.
Who put the goat in there?

Oh, sweet! We should all go to KENYAAAA!

I have a very serious question for you to ponder…
If Lucretia Mac Evil were to Tear the Pants off this Sucker, would someone subsequently Come on Eileen?
(song #23 + #46 = #69; it must be so!) (I had to put this one up here)

You dirty little boy, you…
…do I have to teach you a lesson?


I’m a loser, aren’t I? But an entertaining one at least.


Also, “quhzk” should now be officially inducted into the Scrabble dictionary because of Metalocalypse.
Skwisgaar: “Is this a words? Q U H Z K?”
Toki: “Quhzk! That’s whats a duck says.”

We should petition. And I’m totally playing that word if I ever get the opportunity, just try and stop me.

Mimicking inflection: a study in imitation and how to manipulate people who “talk like this?”

I’m pissy today. List form as always.

Things that are entirely too overrated

 The damn applications on Facebook
I thought the concept of Facebook was to provide college students with a more sophisticated tool than MySpace to communicate with peers. Apparently, college students can’t handle simplicity and ease of use, because 97% of pages I visit now have dozens of those stupid Facebook “applications” clogging up the screen and utterly destroying the beauty that was the simplicity of the site. Listen, I don’t care what kind of eyes you have. I don’t care that you have so little of a life that you must participate in online movie quizzes. I don’t care which Greek God you are. I don’t care what emoticon best fits your current mood. And here’s something that may be shocking: you aren’t important enough to have a second wall dubbed the “Super Wall.” Get a MySpace and be obnoxious there. Please leave your juvenile endeavors off of Facebook. And please, for the love of god—stop sending me invitations to add applications. I’m not going to. I only have one application, and it fits in with the rest of the site’s format.

Squirrels suck.

Yes, we know you think they’re cool. But let me tell you something—you aren’t a ninja, you never will be a ninja, and the odds of you encountering a ninja, shouting something to the effect of, “OMG A NINJA LOL!!!!1” and coming out of the situation with anything less than a bashed in skull are very, very minimal.

Same as ninjas. Yeah, yeah, we all love them. Now shut the hell up.

 Copying others
Come up with your own freaking crap. Failing your ability to do so, at least give the person you’re copying some credit. This pisses me off more than you can ever know.

 Using grossly incorrect grammar to sound “cute”
Phrases like “I’s a squirrel!” and “I has a Oreo!” make my blood curdle. It’s not cute, it’s not funny, and it’s not doing much to make you look like an intelligent human being. Either use correct grammar or shut the hell up.

 Brandishing your so-called “mental disorders” for all the world to see
Self-explanatory. If you’re one of those people who has on your MySpace (or what have you) a list of your “mental disorders,” you are, in fact, a moron. There is no practical need for anyone who really has a mental disorder to go brandishing the fact to the general public. In fact, most people who do this really don’t have any mental disorders to speak of, they’re simply attention whores who feel the need to exploit the fact that they arrange their socks in a particular order (because we all know that “normal” people don’t like their clothing in any specific order—thus they must be obsessive-compuslive!) or that they are, on occasion, moody (because god forbid we should attribute any fluctuation in mood to anything other than bipolar disorder) in order to illicit some sort of response from the readers, be it sympathy, intrigue, or just attention in general.

It’s shoving a shaft of flesh up a hole, people, big deal. 

The University of Idaho Honors Program
Bunch of snobby, self-righteous, “holier-than-thou” elitists who think that just because they have the minimum GPA (it’s just a 3.5, people, seriously) to be inducted into the society they are somehow “smarter” than those of us who, by choice, aren’t involved. The classes they require you to take to remain in the program would be pointless digressions in my academic career, thus my refusal to have anything to do with them. They’re offering this semester, two—count them, two—upper division classes. One is a geography class. The other is a history class. Yes, let’s pick the two least popular majors and offer upper division classes in those! Ooh, better yet, let’s offer all the lower, 100-level classes as either a) introductory classes that nearly everybody’s taken, b) chemistry, or c) another freaking history class! Because delaying the graduation of our members is more important than giving them classes that pertain to their future careers.







Holly Carp now has a Facebook. And in case you weren’t there and are wondering what the hell I’m talking about and what the big deal is, Holly Carp is an individual Maggie and I discovered on the night before the band trip down to Boise, the night we stayed up all night and were IM-ing each other while sitting right next to each other.

And in case you’re not on Facebook and want to know of this wonderful being, here is her profile:


Activities: being awesome, quoting the Bible verbatim, quoting the fish equivalent of the Bible verbatim, confounding the most genius of the human species, swimming, looking for a mate to fertilize my eggs, making fishy faces at confused passers-by, holding talk therapy groups for sharks confused about their sexuality, marketing my self-help video entitled “Who Needs a Doral Fin When You’ve Got a Name That is Commonly Confused with the Word “Crap”?”, bumming rides off of people, DJ-ing, playing solitaire, solving live’s mysteries, calling the operator and having lengthy discussions about why they chose their career, convincing people I’m real, being a stunt double for Dr. Phil, eating whatever the hell carp eat, break dancing.

Interests: philosophy, contact sports, optometry, humans’ depletion of natural resources and how we’re all screwed, Nebraska, the “Holly Carp Is Real” Campaign, WSU and their fascination with large cats, WSU and their placement of the cattle breeding pen in close proximity to the captive bear area, volleyball, other carp.

Favorite Music: Katrina and the Waves, The Backstreet Boys, Kenny G.

Favorite TV Shows: The Dr. Phil Show

Favorite Movies: Finding Nemo

Favorite Books: The World According to Carp, How to Keep Koi, Goldfish and Other Carp, Carp Fishing on Valium, Die Like the Carp!, Carp in the Bathtub, Richard Scarry’s Best First Book Ever.

Favorite Quotes: “Holly Carp is real.”

About Me: I am Holly Carp. I am real. I type in all-caps because I’m just that important. I enjoy long walks on the beach, or preferably in the water itself, me being a carp and all.
I am all-knowing and all-powerful. My powers of logic and deduction astonish even the most intelligent of men, including Stephen Hawking, one of many whom I have single-handedly beat at swimming.
I won the gold medal in Awesome in the first Olympic games.
I alone built five miles of the Great Wall of China.
I fantasize nightly of a schooner whose love I was lucky enough to possess one lonely night when the waters were still and our hearts were a-flutter with true love.
I’m looking to find a man of similar interests and who has big gills. Seriously though, gill size doesn’t matter. But I’d like his to be big.

Like, huge.



I also noticed a few minutes ago that in the religious views is typed, “I worship cod,” which rhymes nicely with “I worship god.”


I’m funny.

Fun with Facebook

I don’t know about any of you, but I think some of Facebook’s gifts are a little…odd. So I have decided to review the ones that fall into these two categories:
1) Obscure
2) Not as Obscure But Pretty Weird Nonetheless


Category One

“Basketball TP”

Okay, is there some sort of sports metaphor I’m missing on this one? I understand there’s toilet paper, and I understand there are basketballs…but the two together? Basketball-printed toilet paper? I assume you use this to TP the Facebook page of the head of the basketball team.

“Evil Eye”

This one’s just weird. At first I thought it was one of those zipper pull thingies you see on the ends of zippers, but then I wasn’t quite sure. And why, if it indeed is an “evil eye”, would you give it as a gift?

“Summer Pig”

Agh! What the hell is it?! This thing scared the crap outta me! I figured it was a pig, but it’s the most deformed pig I’ve ever seen. And since when did pigs wear swimming suits that only covered the first pair of nipples?

“Blue Spheres”

Is this a video game thing? This is the only possible definition I can think of for these blue bubble-like things that look like they’ve been poorly enlarged in MS Paint. And I can’t find any other explanation for wanting to give the gift of pixilated spheres to anyone.


This is, supposedly, “Matzah”, whatever Matzah is. It isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word. Ah, I see, it’s a Hebrew thing. I get it now. But here’s the weird thing, Facebook—Matzah (also known as “Matzo”) normally comes in ball form. I see that Facebook has this as well, but to have a large square of it as a gift that resembles, to me, a saltine cracker, is kind of odd, don’t you think?


Category 2

“Boy v. Dog”

Ah, the male version of the Coppertone ads! This is just weird. I understand it…I think…but it is very weird. Show us that butt!!

The Scrabble Love Series

I just don’t understand why Facebook is trying to cheat you out of $4 with Scrabble “LOVE” when you can just give them the Screw for only a buck. Maybe it’s a representation of the idea that sex is cheaper than love, or something like that. At least they got the Scrabble values correct.



Yeah, I’m bored. Can you tell?

Poor Aneel (sequel to “30 short reasons why I need a life”)

Haha, I did it again. Here are more fun posts for Aneel to ponder!


Claudia Mahler wrote
Why would you ever think I post on your wall too much?
I just don’t understand…

Claudia Mahler wrote
Haha, I’m glad you like my insane posting habits. I’ll bet it annoys everyone else who posts, though.
But that’s my appeal. (Note: Claudia’s appeal costs $50/hour. Cash only. Small bills preferred.)

Claudia Mahler wrote
Haha…drafting overdose.
At least it’s not heroin or something.
Unless “drafting” has become some sort of hip new word for “heroin.”
You’d better check yourself into rehab, young man!

Claudia Mahler wrote
I just realized that I start most of my wall posts with the phrase “haha” (or some variation of it). WTF?

Claudia Mahler wrote
Ahoy-hoy! Here is a birthday present for you! I almost picked the fancy undies, but I figured you already had a pair. So I chose the whipped cream/cherry. Kinky, eh? Happy birthday!

Claudia Mahler wrote
Wow…I haven’t written on your wall for, what, 48 hours? What the hell?! I’m slipping!

Claudia Mahler wrote

Claudia Mahler wrote

Claudia Mahler wrote

Claudia Mahler wrote
Or…at least…a rubberband…with personality…

Claudia Mahler wrote
Must…distract you…from…last…post…

Claudia Mahler wrote
I grow tired of these games! It’s high time we sat down to a good old-fashioned MSN Messenger conversation in which you abandon your computer for a good hour while I feverishly peck out some 18th-century oriented conversation about zodiac signs, gynecologists, and row-row-row your boat!
…I think this is the most meaningful message I’ve ever left you.

Claudia Mahler wrote
Did you know 3 out of 3 doctors recommend me for a good boredom cure?

Claudia Mahler wrote
Did you also know that I have been shown in clinical studies to prevent herpes?

Claudia Mahler wrote
I think doctors need to re-evaluate their clinical studies. It’s like those toothbrushes. Who’s that one doctor who EVERY DAMN TIME says, “hell no! I won’t recommend this product! I’m a sourpuss and I want the world to know it! I’ve got a horse chestnut up my butt and it’s making me cranky! I’m Rube Goldberg!”

Claudia Mahler wrote
Did you ever stop to think that your whole life could be put on stage one day in the future? Who do you think would play you?

Claudia Mahler wrote
I think William Shatner would play me.

Claudia Mahler wrote
I <3 William Shatner.

Claudia Mahler wrote
I think MySpace Tom would play you.
No offense, or anything.

Claudia Mahler wrote
I think I need some serious psychiatric help. I may perform self-analysis once I’m certified.
I’ll analyze you for free, of course.
With “free” being read as “$200/hr, $50 extra every time you say the word “cars.”

Claudia Mahler wrote
I know someone who hasn’t written on my wall since the 27th…
His name starts with an “A” and ends with a “neel”…
And no, it’s not Alfred Berneel.

Claudia Mahler wrote
Okay, now I promise not to mass-comment on your wall until…hm…the 20th.

Blog 279: in which Claudia proposes a question that will most likely go unanswered!

So here’s an idea I’m throwing out to all the two of you who read my blogs regularly—would you guys like (a.k.a. tolerate) me writing a Facebook note once a month that features my best blog of that month? I really want to milk publicity, like a he-bride, for all it’s got.

Ah well, not like I expect a comment or anything. Just throwing this out there.


Short blog!

Bringing Facebook crap to my blog once again

God, what strange fun I have with these Facebook status update doodads:

-Claudia is sleeping.
-Claudia is dorky.
-Claudia is pondering the existence of marmalade.
-Claudia is hating math for all she’s worth (about $0.75)
-Claudia is wishing Taco Bell would just STFU!
-Claudia is thinking about the infinite…biohazard properties of Cheetos.
-Claudia is really hating that Pina Colada song.
-Claudia is dancing like an idiot…cause that’s what she does!
-Claudia is contemplating Freud’s Structure of the Mind theory in regards to “Retarded Animal Babies.”
-Claudia is awesome at Scrabble.
-Claudia is wondering why “Craig” isn’t short for “Craigory.”
-Claudia is a sick-minded weirdo.
-Claudia is annoying the crap out of everyone and enjoying every minute of it!
-Claudia is putting the “psycho” back in “psychology major.”
-Claudia is getting married to Alan (send flowers!).
-Claudia is getting to know the Muffin Man quite well, thank you.
-Claudia is currently absorbed in greater things (like herself).
-Claudia is amused at how many Facebook groups feel the need to add, “BITCH!” to the end of their titles.
-Claudia is one of the first in a long line of weirdoes who love to push the limits of these “type in whatever you want” things by typing too much random crap.
-Claudia is tired of waiting for Godot and is going to get a taco instead.
-Claudia is glad that Godot finally showed up and is now sharing a taco with her!
-Claudia is Spartacus.
-Claudia is having fun with sex without having sex cause she doesn’t have sex cause she’s pathetic.
-Claudia is sharp, like cheddar.
-Claudia is “aidualc” spelled backwards.
-Claudia is profound, like a he-bride.
-Claudia is like a virgin snowfall…except without all that pure crap.
-Claudia is magically delicious! Lick her!
-Claudia is profound, like a satellite dish.
-Claudia is busy drinking. Shut up, Susie!
-Claudia is busy chasing after Sexy…the damn thing ran off again and Timberlake’s in rehab!
-Claudia is demanding a Grammy now that she has captured Sexy, brought it back, and has written a song about the whole ordeal.
-Claudia is insane! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho code 34-68345: “failure to properly secure sexy bosoms during vigorous running on and/or around an exercise apparatus.”
-Claudia is forever, like a diamond or a Twinkie.
-Claudia is a tree! A tree tree tree! A treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…
-Claudia is a plague of society (like disease, or republicans).
-Claudia is flailing her arms around, pretending to be a conductor of a large orchestra. Oh, shut up, it’s not like you’ve never done it before!
-Claudia is freedom from irrationality, freedom of thought, and freedom of decision.
-Claudia is more than this, less than that, and 7.9 times the cost of a dreidel.
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 58-32512: failure to properly follow the moral guidelines of an orchestra conductor in regards to sexual misuse(s) of the wand.
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 23-21454: failure to participate in mass arm movements when singing “YMCA” in a public area.
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 13-29485: failure to properly salute St. Valentine by refusing to indulge in chocolate and/or flowers and/or self-pleasure and/or sex.
-Claudia is rebelling against Romanticism. Bring back the Enlightenment, dammit!
-Claudia is rhetorical.
-Claudia is in compliance with Idaho Democrats Code 63-36116: participation in the singing of “Ice Ice Baby” during all of Bush’s pointless State of the Union addresses.
-Claudia is a toaster, and she’s going on an adventure with a few other appliances, including a vacuum, a blanket, a radio, and a lamp! Wee! She’s so brave!
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 83-2593: failure to wear pants while delivering a speech with intentions of announcing one’s running for the position of the governor.
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 99-26247: making up fake Idaho Codes.
-Claudia is starting a petition demanding that Jimmy leave the real estate business and return to his former occupation of corn cracking…we DO care, Jimmy, we DO care!
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 46-36643: failure to cock one’s head to the side and mutter “ah—how profound!” while looking at a painting in a modern art exhibition.
-Claudia is recommended by 9 out of 10 doctors to alleviate boredom (side effects include amnesia, hammer-toes, fever, and a severe desire to repeat the word “Uranus”).
-Claudia is not the droid you’re looking for.
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 66-66666: failure to be a Republican (?!?!).
-Claudia is a copyright of the Pepsi corporation. Any attempts to redistribute her will result in Pepsi coming down on your ass!
-Claudia is busy trying to find Jesus…in random Mexican food products.
-Claudia is brief, like underwear.
-Claudia is not heir to the British throne, but is having fun convincing strangers otherwise.
-Claudia is wondering to whom all her base are belonging.
-Claudia is fun, like ebola.
-Claudia is wondering why the “Alzheimer’s Crisis Line” is the most difficult phone number to commit to memory in the phonebook.
-Claudia is tired of this trite, monotonous existence, and is therefore going to remove her pants.
-Claudia is manipulating the data (bwahaha!)
-Claudia is sending Sexy back to exile.
-Claudia is fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-laa…NITROGEN!
-Claudia is screwing around in the Ag Sci computer lab (take THAT, productivity!).
-Claudia is rising to power in the Ag Sci computer lab.
-Claudia is now the Chief Justice of the Ag Sci Computer Lab Court.
-Claudia is Pharaoh of the Ag Sci computer lab.
-Claudia is facing opposition from the riffraff in the Ag Sci computer lab.
-Claudia is fighting the death of her dynasty in the Ag Sci computer lab! Barricade the doors! Fire the cannons! Do something! Anything! Damn you all!
-Claudia is now exiled from the Ag Sci computer lab…but she’ll be back…hehe…with knives…
-Claudia is the faded star, from which hopes and desires once vibrant grew dull and henceforth was produced naught but dismal truth and bitter reality (wee!).
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 37-78291: touching MC Hammer’s “this” despite multiple previous warnings.
-Claudia is feelin’ rebellious and wondering which preposition to end this sentence WITH!
-Claudia is waiting for the carpool to Funkytown.
-Claudia is wishing Godot were a little more punctual.
-Claudia is tittuping about
-Claudia is madness. Or Sparta, she can’t remember.
-Claudia thinks “Choco LEIBNIZ…Fig NEWTONS…something suspicious is going on in the world of tasty desserts!”.
-Claudia is laughing at Newton. You’re a silly man, Newton!
-Claudia writes “a very well expressed account of Leibniz.” Hahaha, if her philosophy professor only knew…
-Claudia thinks the material conditional and the biconditional should die.
-Claudia is winning her war against the biconditional if and only if she can make a biconditional joke in her status update.
-Claudia is a logical person, she just can’t prove it (haha).
-Claudia vs. the U of I: now playing at a department near you!
-Claudia can do impressive aerial acrobatics in her dreams, but can’t multiply 3 x 3 (apparently she thinks it’s 2,791).
-Claudia can’t find proof of P!
-Claudia met Godot (he showed up for ME, I don’t know what your problems are, Vladimir and Estragon)
-Claudia is building a city. What’s a better foundation, concrete or rock and roll?
-Claudia thinks people with butterfly phobias are funny.
-Claudia has an insatiable urge to graph stuff.
-Claudia is going to have some good Peace of Mind tonight…hopefully on expert mode.
-Claudia thinks Sean is the greatest badass ever. And he has a hatredcopter.
-Claudia is extolling the virtues of oat consumption
-Claudia is 99.7% confident that she falls within 3 standard deviations of the mean.
-Claudia says “this just in: Pavlov’s dogs conditioned to chase Schrödinger’s cat; cat presumed dead and alive.”
-Claudia rarely has dreams in which at least the basic laws of physics don’t apply, but last night was one of those rare nights. Take that, angular momentum!
-Claudia crashed too many zeppelins, so they took her company away from her.
-Claudia is wondering if the absolute value of zero is really cold.
-Claudia wishes she had a black belt in math.
-Claudia had a nightmare that she was trapped in a 3×3 matrix and was subtracted to zero when someone put it in reduced echelon form. Damn you, Linear Algebra!
-Claudia wants to find out exactly what percentage of statistics are actually made up on the spot thanks to all those “x number of statistics are made up on the spot”
-Claudia wants to know why raising something to the power of pi isn’t called “circling.”

30 short reasons why I need a life

Ahoy there! I’m only posting this cause I can’t think of anything else to post.
Plus it’s funny.
Poor Aneel.

Claudia Mahler wrote
Yeah…finally jumped on the Facebook wagon. Can’t do lunch today; I have to go to Polya (poop) cause I haven’t had the chance to so far this week. We could go on Tuesday maybe…

Claudia Mahler wrote
It’s Aneel, it’s Aneel, it’s Aneel-neel-neel!
It’s Aneel, it’s Aneel, it’s Aneel-neel-neel!
It’s Aneel, it’s Aneel, it’s Aneel-neel-neel!
It’s Aneeeeel…
It’s Aneel-neel-neel!

Claudia Mahler wrote
If a quantum physicist and a lawyer were locked in a room together and were forced to come up to the answer to, “if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound?”, would the quantum physicist be victorious over the lawyer, or vice-versa?

Claudia Mahler wrote
My money’s on the cat.

Claudia Mahler wrote
Oh, crap! I forgot to put the cat in the story!

Claudia Mahler wrote
If a quantum physicist, a cat, and a lawyer were locked in a room together and were forced to come up to the answer to “if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound?”, would the quantum physicist be victorious over the lawyer and the cat, the lawyer over the quantum physicist and the cat, or the cat over the lawyer and quantum physicist?

Claudia Mahler wrote
Now my money’s on the quantum physicist. No way in hell is a cat going to be able to vocalize his answer.

Claudia Mahler wrote
How could you’ve written on my wall at 11:26 PM TODAY when it’s only 11:10?
Tell me the secrets of your time travel.
Oh, and it’s a good thing you replied. I was about to do a one-sided conversation thingy like I did on messenger that one time…

Claudia Mahler wrote
O…kay…my post is at 2 in the morning…what time system are you on?
Or is it me?

Claudia Mahler wrote
Are you ever gonna answer that lawyer/cat/quantum physicist question?
Do it NOW!

Claudia Mahler wrote
That new pic is as hot as the sun’s core temperature (15,000,000 degrees Celsius, or something like that. Why isn’t there an “approximately” symbol on the keyboard? I think this should be a new Facebook group: “Petition to Add the Squiggly Equal Sign to the Standard American Keyboard”).
In fact, my monitor is on fire. PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT!
Ah, screw it. Aneel=sexy.

*cough*cat/lawyer/quantum physicist question*cough*

Claudia Mahler wrote
YOU! Didn’t I nearly dominate your wall at one point? Do you want that again? I DIDN’T THINK SO, SOLDIER!
Ahem…okay. Much love. Reply.

Claudia Mahler wrote
You know I love your driving. I love your driving as much as I love math.
I need to take over your wall again at some point in the near future.

Claudia Mahler wrote
Aneel! President Fillmore has an urgent call for you on line three! Pick up at once!

Claudia Mahler wrote
Line three: “Mr. Sharma! President Millard Fillmore here! I’m in need of your assistance! No one freakin’ remembers who I was! It’s as if I never was President! What do I do?”

Claudia Mahler wrote
Line three: “…what do you mean you don’t know who I am?”

Claudia Mahler wrote
Aneel! President Millard Fillmore has just hung up on you! I do believe that this will lead to some sort of national crisis! I’m scared!

Claudia Mahler wrote
Oh wait. He’s dead, isn’t he? Never mind.
…Then who were you talking to?

Claudia Mahler wrote
So hier’ s einige zufälligen Scheiße auf Deutsch. Ich werde Sie können nicht lesen dieses Recht ab dem Schlagholz, nicht wahr wetten? Wenn Sie dies hinter übersetzen, ist es wahrscheinlich nicht etwas schließt zu was ich habe eingetippt, eh? Lesen Sie die Linie in Zitaten, übersetzen Sie es, erwidert dann zu mir mit dieser Linie in der Nachricht, damit ich werde wissen, dass Sie ein wahrer Freund sind, stimmt zu? Aaaannnnnddd. ..go! „Ich wünsche, dass Ihr schnitzel in meiner Scheide war”
Hint: it’s German!

Claudia Mahler wrote
I’m so glad we’re married. Why haven’t you changed your little relationship status?
You’re a bad wife.

Claudia Mahler wrote
…a naughty, dirty wife…

Claudia Mahler wrote
Write a new blog, already. About the wedding at Jack-in-the-Box. It was lovely, wasn’t it?

Claudia Mahler wrote
Huttah! Get back from California, already.
I find it disturbing that, when typing in the web address for Facebook, I accidentally (almost automatically) typed http://www.fecesbook.com.
What does that mean?
And put your wedding ring on, missy. I know you’re not wearing it.
You don’t want me to call Dr. Phil.

Claudia Mahler wrote
Haha, I totally own your wall…48% of the comments are mine.
Yes, I tallied them up.
Yes, I’m a loser.
Yes, I’m not wearing any clothes and am taking pictures just for you. :P

Claudia Mahler wrote
Ha…I’m totally making a Flash animation about you.
Set to “Macarena.”
It’s genius.

Claudia Mahler wrote
Are your butts brown?

Claudia Mahler wrote
Edit for last post: replace “butts” with “eyes” and answer accordingly.

Claudia Mahler wrote
Turns out I eliminated all eye color in the end.
Go figure.
And yes, it’s going well, thanks for asking. :P
You will be pleased…..veeeeeeeeeery pleased…

Claudia Mahler wrote
Question: exactly how horribly insulting can I be in this movie? Are you going to put any limitations on me? Example: I can dress you up as a girl but I can’t show you hanging out with Ross.
P.S. Sex.

Claudia Mahler wrote
How the hell did you get 60 wall posts?!
Oh wait.