Tag Archives: philosophy jokes

U Kant Touch This

This is what happens when Claudia is:
1. sick
2. doesn’t want to write essays
3. doesn’t want to do math homework
4. is bored because of the previous two points
5. herself

Apologies to Kant. And to Mr. Hammer.

Holograms are a philosophy teacher’s worst nightmare


Philosophy humor. Buckets of it.

I will now show you a few of my favorites, ‘cause I’m cool like that and I’ve been laughing all night because of these. You might get them, you might not, it depends on how much philosophy you know/how closely you actually listen to me when I go on my philosophy tangents.

Causes of Death for Philosophers
Anselm: Than which no deadlier can be conceived (I wonder if he realized how often that one single phrase of his would turn into random jokes?)
Berkeley: His girlfriend stopped seeing him (this has to be one of the greatest of all)
Descartes: Stopped thinking (of course)
Leibniz: Monadnucleosis (bahahahaha…)
Plato: Caved in
Spinoza: Substance abuse

Hume’s philosophy summed up in limerick form. Perfect.
That somewhat stout Scot David Hume
Said “this cosmos of ours has no room
For forces or powers
It’s just hours and hours
Of impressions, then ideas, till the tomb.”
Scroll down to the “Songs and Poems” section and click on The Monads. I want to find these guys and have all of their children (“The Missing Shade of Blues” is genius).
I love people who find humor in the things in which I find humor.

It’s all in the way you look at it, I swear!

Haha, these are great. I can’t remember where I found them, but they’re great.


-Leibniz: It’d be for the best if we broke up.
-Hegel: The thesis is we’re breaking down. The antithesis is to fix it up. The synthesis is…we’re breaking up.
-Solipsist: You think the world revolves around you!
-Dualist: My body says yes, but my heart says no!
-Plato: Uh, of course we aren’t a couple. I’m Plato! Our relationship is stricly platonic!
-Utilitarian: It’d be better for both of us if I just left.
-Popper: Inductively, I thought I loved you and only you. Deductively, screwing your sister proved that false.
-Descartes: A relationship does not think, therefore our relationship is not.
-Zeno: We are too distant.
-Theist: I can’t explain why I want to break up with you. Therefore, God did it.
-Sartre: I am sick of you.
-Occam: I wasn’t enough for you, huh? You needed a man with a beard, too! The guy doesn’t even own a razor! We’re over! I won’t be multiplying entities with YOU anytime soon!
-Derrida: We’re too “differant”.
-Libertarian/Economic Conservative: This relationship is much too taxing.
-Intelligent Design Theorist: Some things about evolution confuse me. Therefore we’re breaking up.
-Materialist: Love doesn’t “matter” to you.
-Determinist: It just wasn’t meant to be!
-Marxist: This relationship is just an ideological construct designed to repress my class conciousness! Monogamy is an invention of capitalist swine!
-Nietzsche: We are “over, man”.
-Kant: My proposed maxim was to love you. But I could not will to universalize this maxim and have everyone love you, otherwise you’d be cheating on me. Therefore, it is my duty not to love you!
-Logical Positivist: Our love never meant anything–the word “love” has no meaningful content, after all!