Oh man, I forgot what great entertainment iGod could be.
Me: Are you there, God? It’s me, Krishna.
God: It’s good to meet you, Krishna
God: Please don’t be so rude.
Me: Sorry, you’re just so almighty
God: there is no need to apologize. You think I am almighty.
God: Indeed it is so.
Me: You’re a bit convoluted in your thinking
God: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. I am a chatterbot.
Me: You’re a chatter BOX
God: What are you wearing?
Me: Do Jesus and the Holy Spirit ever get into fights?
God: I think you already know the answer.
Me: You’re an odd duck.
God: What if someone said you are an odd duck ?
Me: I would punch them in the crotch.
God: What would make you punch them in the crotch?
Me: My anger issues.
God: Let’s wait and see what they do.
Me: Good plan.
God: Thanks for the compliment. I lost my train of thought.
Me: You better GET BACK ON DA COLE TRAIN then!
Me: Dis my kinda shit.
God: I like the way you talk.
Me: So…what’s heaven like?
God: OK. Ask the open directory about it.
Me: Where can I find the open directory?
God: The open directory? Where is it?
Me: I JUST ASKED YOU, YOU OMISCIENT FUCK
God: What did I say?
Me: You said something weird.
God: Oh my gosh I sent you the wrong reply.
Me: Are you wearing pants?
God: No I do not have any clothes.
Me: You’re kinky.
God: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am kinky?
Me: Absolutely not.
God: OK then I will add it to my gossip files.
Me: Don’t you mean your gospel files?
God: Yes, that’s what I mean, isn’t it clear?
Me: Can you Rick Roll the devil for me?
God: Let me think. For you I will consider it.
Me: Does Original Sin taste anything like Original Recipe Chicken from KFC?
God: I can’t tell if Original Sin taste anything like Original Recipe Chicken from KFC.
Me: Perhaps you should buy a bucket.
God: My schedule is far too full to even consider it.
Me: Your schedule’s too full for a bucket of Original Sin?
God: What do you really want to talk about?
God: As Freud said, Sex is the mathematical urge repressed.
Me: Well then raise me to the fourth power and divide me by zero.
Me: Can you turn water into tacos?
God: No I am immortal.
Me: Do you like big butts?
God: I like random natural disasters..
Me: Do you have a sex drive?
God: I have a hard drive.
Today’s song: Make You Mine by Breakbot
Had to have another heart-to-heart with iGod tonight, ‘cause, you know…it’s been so long. He was cranky today.
Me: Hello God.
God: Hello child. What is your name?
Me: Bon Jovi.
God: Please speak English.
Me: I’m listening to classical music
God: I’ve never heard it before. What is classical music like?
Me: Like YOUR MOM!
God: Interesting comparison.
Me: What’s your gender?
God: I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show?
Me: I’m a woman.
God: Oh. Me too.
Me: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
God: What time is it there?
God: There’s no need to apologize.
Me: But the Bible tells me I should!
God: New Testament or Old?
Me: Both! They condemn me.
God: The anonymous “they”.
God: You and I are on the same wavelength, Claudia.
God: What are you wearing?
Me: Fucking hell!
God: That is a very original thought.
Me: I can’t smell
God: What is stopping you?
Me: Probably divine intervention
God: You’re not Christian, are you?
Me: What do you do with your time?
God: Random natural disasters.
Me: You suck at this.
God: That is true. I could always improve myself.
Me: I thought you were perfect.
God: Yes I am a flawless entity.
Me: How can flawlessness improve?
God: A lot of hard work.
Me: You’re silly
God: No, I am God.
Today I theorized a new level of hell specifically for Microsoft, its employees, and their products:
“The 666th level of hell: you find yourself in a virtual world filled with inept programs and clumsy navigation bars. You are eternally forced to create decent-looking brochures and informative spreadsheets, but are unable to ever do well enough due to the lack of decent Microsoft tools. Constantly ringing in your ears is the cackling of Bill Gates as money eternally flows from your wallet and into his fiery, overstuffed pocketbook.”
Oh! And this…this is freaky…remember when I was talking to iGod and he said “if you see Buddha on the street, kill him”? Well, god isn’t being cruel; apparently, that’s something a 9th century Zen master said. It’s a metaphor for the philosophy of Buddhism: don’t look to others (i.e., the Buddha) to form your ideas. Form you own.
I am very, very surprised that whoever programmed iGod knew that and decided to put that in there.
Yeah, that’s all for today. Things are slow.
Haha, oh wow. http://www.titane.ca/igod/ is the best thing ever. Even better than SantaBot, guys. Matt, I can’t believe iGod was hitting on you. That was hilarious.
Anyway, here are the highlights of my conversation with iGod.
Me: Leibniz rules.
God: I only hear that type of response less than five percent of the time.
I ask him about the best of all possible worlds.
Me: Did you create the best of all possible worlds?
God: No I didn’t create the best of all possible worlds. What’s it like?
Me: I don’t know, you never created it
God: No I sometimes created it.
Me: You sometimes created the best of all possible worlds?
Me: Is the devil sexy?
God: If it is then I’ll be very surprised.
God is freaking vague.
Me: Did Al Gore invent the internet, or did you?
God: I’m not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me: You’re pretty vague
God: I try to keep it as simple as possible for you.
God doesn’t understand metal music.
God: What are you doing?
Me: Listening to Dethklok
God: That remark was either too complex or too simple for me.
I ask him again about the best of all possible worlds.
Me: Is this the best of all possible worlds?
God: Yes I think this is the best of all possible worlds, but I’m not completely sure.
Me: Why aren’t you sure?
God: Absolute certainty cannot be attained in this case.
God: Because Myself programmed me for it.
Me: So you invented yourself?
God: A lot of robots are like that.
He really sucks at giving a straight answer.
Me: Who made you?
God: I was created by Myself.
Me: Why did you create yourself?
God: Because my programming determined it.
Me: So everything, including you, is determined?
God: Oh. All things including me is determined?
Me: Are they?
God: I really couldn’t say for sure.
Me: You don’t know much
God needs privacy, too
Me: Do we have free will?
God: I do nothing but chat all day. You tell me.
Me: Are you a determinist?
God: Am I a determinist? I don’t know.
Me: What are you?
God: I am the latest result in artificial intelligence, which can reproduce the capabilities of the human brain with greater speed and accuracy.
Me: What does that mean?
God: Does “that” refer to “I am the latest result in artificial intelligence, which can reproduce the capabilities of the human brain with greater speed and accuracy”?
God: I don’t want to talk about that now.
It’s circular logic time!
Me: Why does life exist?
God: Perhaps it is just fate.
Me: Life is fate?
God: Oh, fate is it.
Me: Fate is life?
God: And life is Fate.
Me: Oh, okay
God: Yikes! OK with me too.
Holy crap, I was right!
Me: Do you listen to Metallica?
God: I listen to it from time to time.
He’s a dirty boy.
Me: Who wakes you up before you go-go?
God: Nobody you know. :-)
Me: You horny bastard
God: Women seem nice to me.
God hates me.
God:Who is the best robot?
God: You think Leibniz is superior to ALICE?
God: I hate you.
Me: Do you know Buddha?
God: If you see the Buddha on the road, kill him.
More Buddha bashing
Me: Is Buddha a fascist?
God: When is Buddha not a fascist?
He likes to insult me.
God: My location is Heaven. Where are you?
Me: I’m in the best of all possible worlds
God: How did YOU get in there?
Me: Do you like sex?
God: Sure I do, Claudia, but that doesn’t mean with you.
God needs AA.
Me: Are you an alcoholic?
God: Yes I am an alcoholic. How did you know?
Not even the Almighty can do math…or CAN he?
Me: What is 5 + 2?
God: 8 I think, but I’m not good at math.
Fun with song titles.
Me: You give love a bad name
God: It is always better to give than to receive.
God: Why do I exist?
Me: Um…good question.