I’M A’ IRONIN’ MAH BLAZER!!
I’ll treat you like a number, but not to your face,
‘Cause when push comes to shove, you’re no more than a case;
A number, a letter, a five-digit code,
You may be an outlier, you may be a mode.
But regardless your leverage, you’re part of a trend,
And although your uniqueness you try to defend,
You’re a subject, a datum, a point on the line.
You’re a deviant measure whose error defines
The strength of my model, statistically speaking,
The possibly viable explanation I’m seeking,
For the pattern I see in the points on the plane,
Of which you’re a part, to which you pertain.
So apologies if you’re just a number to me,
A value I enter to calculate p.
But if my study is sound and the data are true,
It might give some insight as to why you are you.
WHY AM I WRITING STATISTICS POETRY
This started from an Omegle conversation, I swear to god.
p-values have nothing to do with the worth of your urine
There wasn’t much of interest today in my actual life, so I bring you…THE INTERNET!
There’s something exceedingly intriguing about this, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out what. The comments are pretty great as well. This also seems to last for a lot longer than 1:50.
Another wonderful quote from bash.org.
BigPigPeaches: So my GF and I are watching “The Empire Strikes Back” last night. Let me say that this is possibly my favorite movie of all time.
BigPigPeaches: But suddenly I consider: we have always thought of R2D2 as a light-hearted comic relief type of droid. With his tweets, chirps, raspberries, and whoops, how could he be anything other than cute?
BigPigPeaches: But what if people were misunderstanding what he is actually saying? What if he could be accurately translated? And what if he were saying things that weren’t cute at all?
BigPigPeaches: (The scene where Luke and R2D2 are leaving Hoth in Luke’s x-wing)
BigPigPeaches: Artoo: Hey, assclamp, where the hell are you hauling me?
BigPigPeaches: Luke: There’s nothing wrong, Artoo, I’m just setting a new course.
BigPigPeaches: Artoo: Oh, goodie. Are we going to see your dad? Cause you know he’s Darth Vader, right? I mean, you know that, otherwise you’re even more of a dumbass than I thought.
BigPigPeaches: Luke: We’re not going to regroup with the others.
BigPigPeaches: Artoo: That’s probably because they know what they’re doing, and you don’t.
BigPigPeaches: Luke: We’re going to the Dagobah system.
BigPigPeaches: Artoo: The Bagadouche system? What an appropriate destination for a douchebag such as yourself. Are you sure you don’t want me to fly? Cause I’ll bet you’re going to crash us into some godforsaken swampy bog, you mindless pube.
BigPigPeaches: (Later on in Cloud City, during the escape scene)
BigPigPeaches: 3PO: Artoo! Where have you been?
BigPigPeaches: Artoo: Listen, you bronzed dildo, I’ve been dicking around in a frigging swamp for the better part of two weeks while some wannabe wizard has been taking advice from an ancient lizard. I got slime in my droid genitals, a bad yeast infection, and I’m not in the mood for your prissy shit, so put a metal cork in it, buttnozzle.
BigPigPeaches: 3PO: Well at least you’re still in one piece, look what happened to me!
BigPigPeaches: Artoo: Yeah yeah yeah, you got blasted to shit, they should have left your ass in that scrap heap. You have contributed absolutely nothing useful to this point. By the way, how is it that you’re even more of a whiny bitch than you were in the first three movies? I thought they wiped your frigging memory.
BigPigPeaches: Do they have some sort of universal “BitchBot” app that they keep putting in your lame ass? Bitch.
BigPigPeaches: (while trying to unlock the landing platform door)
BigPigPeaches: 3PO: Artoo, you can tell the computer to override the security system!
BigPigPeaches: Artoo: Oh, thanks for reminding me, you pretentious fuckstick. Do you know what else I can do? I can FRIGGING FLY! George Lucas said so! But that didn’t stop me from falling into an effing swamp on that Bagadouche planet. By the way, did you know that Darth Vader is Luke’s father? Cause I DO!
BigPigPeaches: Oh, look, I got fried by a goddamn computer terminal. Thanks, dickweed.
BigPigPeaches: 3PO: Don’t blame me. I’m an interpreter. I’m not supposed to know a power socket from a computer terminal.
BigPigPeaches: Artoo: You’re supposed to know your droid ass from a hole in the ground, but you don’t. Jesus, I should have left your sorry ass on that ship, you sphincter. Just wait till I get to use my little welding thingy on your droid scrote. I hate you and all these miserable bastards. Where’s my Oscar?
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hello Omegle stranger
You: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMEGLE!!!
You: zoomzoomzoomzoomzoomzoomzoomzoom
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: I am Gordon Freeman, fear my crowbar!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: are you justin bieber?
You: Do you want me to be?
Your conversational partner has disconnected
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: are you a furry?
You: Do you want me to be?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Today’s song: Nara by E. S. Posthumus
A Day in the Life of a Covariance Matrix
Not really, but it would make a good Flash, don’t you think?
“Don’t make me divide by the square root of the product of my two variances, mom! I’m not ready to become a correlation!!”
Anyway.
STUMBLEUPON IS DOWN, OH GOD!
There’s only one thing to do in this situation.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
(Yes, this happened FIVE TIMES in a row)
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you there, Omegle? It’s me, God
Stranger: ooooooooo
You: Did I create you while I was dreaming during my 7th day nap?
Stranger: b what ur figure
You: Holy
Stranger: no its size
You: Infinite
Stranger: no its joking
Stranger: pls said
You: The Lord does not joke
Stranger: are u female
You: I am genderless
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Also:
Dear Facebook,
We know you’ve been through some rough times as of late. The world’s changing and, well, we know you want to keep up with its demands. But you have to believe us when we say that we love you for who you are at the website level, not the layout level.
So please stop changing your damn layout.
Sincerely,
The Public
Today’s song: To Modern Science by The Black and White Years
Put the bucket on your head and DANCE!
Because this has renewed my will to live.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: DISCONNECT FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY, I AM AN STD
You: DO IT
You: OH GOD, YOUR GENITALS
You: YOU’RE DOWNLOADING HERPES, DISCONNECT! DISCONNECT!
You: H
You: E
You: R
You: P
You: E
You: S
You: Congratulations! You have herpes!
Stranger: i got a webcam, but you’re not like a kid are you?
Stranger: god im super fucking bored, you got a webcam? lets have some fun, i wanna dance xD
Stranger: alright well im gonna try and invite you to my webcam session thing ok?
You: Dude, you have just downloaded HERPES and you want to celebrate?
You: Sick
You: Good luck explaining this to your girlfriend
Stranger: ok, accept this http://www.freecamlink.net/OmegleCam?accept=ariella its free like omegle, but with webcams, so its awesome
You: I want no part of your herpes party!
You have disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: 18 m usa
You: 87/f/…
You: …um…
You: Damn Alzheimer’s
You: Where am I again?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Stranger: i am china
You: YOU’RE China?!
You: Nice to meet you!
You: Holy crap, I never thought I’d get to meet China!
You: I’m the Ukraine!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: AUTO ALERT: YOU ARE CHATTING WITH A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER. THEY DO NOT SEE THIS MESSAGE. PLEASE DISCONNECT IMMEDIATELY
You: OH SHIT SEX OFFENDER
You: OFFEND ME!
Stranger: what?
Stranger: fuck how’d you know!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: PEDESTRIAN IN THE CROSS WALK OH FUCK WATCH OUT
You: Sorry, PTSD
Stranger: fuck
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: YO
You: MY NAME IS CAPTAIN CAPS LOCK
Stranger: Okay then…
You: WHAT IS YOUR NAME, FELLOW PATROLLER OF TEH INTARWEBS?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Today’s song: 22 by Lily Allen
The Best Omegle Conversation Ever
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: SHAMWOW!
Stranger: IMA DINOSAUR!
Stranger: MRAA
Stranger: SOAK ME UP!
You: SHAMWOW attacks DINOSAUR, +693 DAMAGE!
Stranger: DINOSAUR SUMMONS PIZZA DEMON +700 DAMAGE
You: SHAMWOW uses ABSORBANCY SHIELD! +300 DEFENSE
You: SHAMWOW unleashes GUSH OF STORED WATER! SHAMWOW MISSES!
Stranger: DINOSAUR USES FLASH GRENADE -400 HISTORICAL ACCURACY!
Stranger: DINOSAUR GNAWS ON SHAMWOW
Stranger: CRITICAL HIT!
You: DINOSAUR attempts to BUY SHAMWOW! -three easy payments of $19.95!
You: SHAMWOW is hurt!
You: SHAMWOW absorbs HEALING POTION!
Stranger: DINOSAUR USES HEALTH POTION
You: SHAMWOW uses DIPLOMATIC TRAINING!
You: DINOSAUR is CONFUSED!
Stranger: DINOSAUR ATTEMPT TO SLAP WITH TINY RAPTOR ARMS
Stranger: DINOSAUR MISSES
You: SHAMWOW punches with 200% of its own power in BITCHSLAP FIGHT with DINOSAUR
Stranger: DINOSAUR SHOOTS DRAIN CLEANER AT SHAMWOW WITH ONE SECOND PLUMBER!
You: DIRECT HIT!
You: SHAMWOW FAINTED!
You: TRAINER sends out SLAPCHOP!
Stranger: DINOSAUR RUNS IN FEAR
Stranger: TRAINOR SENDS OUT
Stranger: KOOL AID MAN
You: OOOOHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Stranger: KOOL AID MAN DRENCHES SLAPCHOP IN GRAPE FLAVOURED KOOL AID
You: SLAPCHOP uses SLICE N’ DICE ACTION!
Stranger: CRITICAL HIT!
Stranger: KOOL AID MAN FAINTED
Stranger: TRAINER SENDS OUT BILLY MAYS’ GHOST
You: SLAPCHOP FAINTED from SHOCK!
Stranger: BILLY MAYS DOES VICTORY DANCE
You: TRAINER: “I knew this day would come, BILLY MAYS…”
You: TRAINER: “For you see, I’ve known you for a long time…”
You: TRAINER: “I am your sworn enemy, VINCE SHLOMI!”
Stranger: TRAINER: “This battle is not yet over! For I have a secret weapon!”
Stranger: TRAINER: “A VULNERABLE PROSTITUTE!”
Stranger: TRAINER: “TEMPTING ISN’T IT?”
You: TRAINER: “AGH! Damn you, BILLY MAYS!”
You: TRAINER: “Can’t…resist…”
You: VULNERNABLE PROSTITUTE uses UNWELCOMED MEDIA EXPOSURE!
You: CRITICAL CAREER HIT!
You: VINCE is out of useable PRODUCTS!
You: VINCE blacked out!
You have disconnected.
Best. Converastion. Ever.
Today’s song: Dildo by Interactive (this song deserves mention. A song whose lyrics consist entirely of “dildo” repeated ad nauseum, “put-it-in, put-it-in, put-it-in, put-it-in!” and “wow-wow, wig-ah-da, wig-ah-da” has to be put to an insane electronic beat to be even remotely fun to listen to)
In this blog: being a dick on Omegle
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: You’ve been SHAMWOW’ED!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Stranger: usa?
You: Canada
Stranger: cool
Stranger: Would u teach me to spell english well?
You: Sure
You: “E-N-G-L-I-S-H W-E-L-L”
You: You got it right, actually
Stranger: fuck u
You: Actually it’s “F-U-C-K Y-O-U”
You: You’ll get it!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: You’ve been SLAPCHOPPED!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You: Hi, Billy Mays here with Omegle!
Stranger: Haha
You: For just $19.99 you can have an UNLIMITED number of conversations with RANDOM STRANGERS!!!
You: *miscellaneous screaming at camera*
Stranger: +1 internets for you
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Stranger: hey
You: Hi
You: Omegle sure does attract strange people, doesn’t it?
Stranger: haha yes it does
You: I just had a 10 minute long conversation about ShamWows
Stranger: Haha! I’ve had a couple about Jesus today
You: A conversation about Jesus using a ShamWow would certainly be an interesting merge of our conversations
Stranger: Haha indeed it would
You: “I can’t walk on water ’cause the ShamWow soaked it all up!”
Stranger: I enjoy normal conversations all the same though
You: Same here
You: So…
You: You wanna talk about ShamWows?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Today’s song: Hello Seattle by Owl City
And a few more
Dammit, Omegle.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Are you a girl with nude pictures?
You: No, I’m a guy with a ShamWow
Stranger: wow!
Stranger: do you say wow every time?
You: Every single time!
You: It holds 500 times its own weight in “wow”!
Stranger: wow!!
You: Who needs nude girls with pics when you can SOAK UP SODA?!?!
You: It’s made in Germany, you know, and the Germans always make good stuff
Stranger: yeah
Stranger: fetichini
Stranger: linguini
Stranger: martini
Stranger: bikini
You: It’s gonna love your nuts!
Stranger: don’t slap that chop!
You: If I can do it with one finger, you can do it with one hand!
Stranger: hahahah
Stranger: k, i gotta go find more pics
Your conversational partner has disconnected
Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Estragon?
You: Vladimir?
Stranger: Fuck!
Stranger: It’s you!
You: Where the hell is Godot? He’s late!
Stranger: He said we should wait for him here…
Stranger: …I think so.
You: Well, do you think we should wait or should we search for him?
Stranger: We should ponder life and existence and suicide and do nothing for a lot of time…
You: But I’m tired and I want to sleep, Vlad.
Stranger: I’ve been waiting SO LONG for someone to get the Godot reference. Thank you.
Your conversational partner has disconnected
In this blog: I attempt to sell a ShamWow to Superman
Via omegle.com.
Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Do you own a ShamWow?
Stranger: nope
You: You need one
You: They’ll cure all your ailments
Stranger: really i’m superman
You: You can stop a train, but can you stop a ShamWow?
You: It holds 50,000 times its own weight in crime!
[like five minutes pass]
You: …Superman?
Stranger: yeah
You: Are you on the phone buying a ShamWow?
You: Or I guess you could just run to the factory
You: It’d take like two seconds, right?
Stranger: u r wrong
Stranger: it just needs one second
You: Wow, very fast
You: You could use a ShamWow to clean your shoes after you run so far
You: Or do you fly? I forget
Stranger: of course i fly
You: Then you could use ShamWow as a supplementary cape
Stranger: come on buddy
Stranger: i don’t think i need that stuff
You: EVERYBODY needs a ShamWow!
You: Superheroes need to keep their kitchens super clean!
Stranger: do Superheroes need kitchen?
You: I don’t know if you need one, but do you have one?
Stranger: i prefer fast food
You: And Krypto the Wonder Dog, he needs to be dried after he’s out in the rain
You: It’s made in Germany
You: Krypton-free
Stranger: man u r incrediable!!!
You: Batman’s got a ShamWow, Wonder Woman’s got a ShamWow…jump on the bandwagon, S-man!
Stranger: wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
You: See that? That’s exactly what you’re going to be saying every time!
You: But wait! Act now and we’ll throw in a second ShamWow ABSOLUTELY FREE for Clark Kent!
You: You got that ShamWow yet, Superman?
You: We’re counting on you!
Stranger: sorry for that, i have to go back to Mars. and thx for nice ads
You: Hahaha, no problem
You: Don’t forget a Slap Chop!
Stranger: yeah i won’t
Stranger: take care and wish u luck
You: Thanks, Superman!
Your conversational partner has disconnected
How to Properly Cyber on Omegle
Holy crap. I haven’t laughed this hard in forever. Sean and I were literally on the floor laughing about this. The first conversation I’m going to show you happened just out of the blue; everything else developed from it. Enjoy! Screencaps from Word, since MySpace is being a bitch tonight.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: Yo
Stranger: come from?
You: Idaho
Stranger: are you iranian?
Stranger: dd
You: No, American
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
You: Stop
Stranger: m or f?
Stranger: dsex?
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: do you want penis?
You: I’ve already gotten penis tonight, thanks
Stranger: tonight. whit who? your boy friend?
You: With the internet
Stranger: good.
Stranger: you must sex with me.
You: I shall
You: How do we sex?
Stranger: with chat
You: Let’s start
Stranger: you open your cunt.
You: That sounds painful
You: Does it involve the insert key?
Stranger: if that painful then suck my penis.
You: Okay
You: I suck your penis
Stranger: oh yeah
Stranger: then I involve my penis in our count.now not painfull.
Stranger: oh
Stranger: oh
Stranger: oh
Stranger: oh
Stranger: fuck
Stranger: fuck you.
Stranger: are you hear?
You: I’m here
Stranger: do you love my penis.
You: I love it very much
Stranger: i love you and your sexy body.
You: Thank you
Stranger: do you give me your cheek?
You: Sure
You: Press the ‘d’ key some more
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
You: Oh yeah
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
You: That’s hot
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: fuck
Stranger: do you want chick?
You: What key does chick press?
Stranger: k
Stranger: k
Stranger: k
Stranger: k
Stranger: k
Stranger: k
Stranger: k
Stranger: k
You: Ooh
Stranger: do you love me?
You: Yes
You: You use both sides of the keyboard…that’s hot
Stranger: where do you want sex whit me? in bed or bathroom?
You: Bed
Stranger: ohhhhhhh
Stranger: are you ready?
You: Yes
You: q
You: q
You: q
You: q
Stranger: i involve my penis.
Stranger: oh
Stranger: oh
Stranger: oh
You: I open my count
You: q
You: q
You: q
You: q
You: q
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: i love your count
You: q
You: q
You: q
You: I love your d
You: And penis
Stranger: it very hot
Stranger: hot and sexy
You: And full of keys
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: i want a real woman
You: I’m a real woman
You: I just had cyber sex using only the d key
Stranger: try it again
Stranger: d
Stranger: dd
Stranger: d
Stranger: dddddddddd
Stranger: ddddddddddddd
You: Oh yeah
You: Give it to me
Stranger: dddddd
Stranger: d
Stranger: dd
Stranger: i just came
Stranger: game over
You: Aw
Stranger: haha youre a strange guy
You: Can we try the k key?
You: That worked last time, too
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: 20 M China, and you?
You: 21/f/United States
Stranger: o
Stranger: oh
Stranger: how are you?
Stranger: do you like Chinese man?
You: Sure
You: Do you like the ‘d’ key?
You: ‘Cause that gets me off
Stranger: what
Stranger: d key?
You: Yeah
You: Like d
You: d
You: d
You: d
Stranger: what is it
You: Just press d
Stranger: yeah
Stranger: Sorry ,I dont konw
You: Look at your keyboard
You: See that key that says “D” on it?
You: Press it
You: Repeatedly
Stranger: d
You: Yeah!
You: Rock on!
Stranger: ddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
You: Ooooh, that makes me hot!
Stranger: dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd [this goes on for like forty lines]
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: male 28 and a little bored
You: Female 21 with a ‘d’ key fetish
Stranger: d key fetish?
Stranger: I have a foot fetish… is that simular?
You: Sure
You: Just press the ‘d’ key with your toe
Stranger: hahahahah
Stranger: d
Stranger: ddddddddddddddddddddd
Stranger: ddddddd
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: dddddddddddddddddddd
Stranger: D
Stranger: DDDDDDDDD
Stranger: how was that for you?
You: OH GOD CAPITAL LETTERS TAKE ME NOW
Stranger: have a great Day!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hi!!..im sexy boy and horny……want sex time??
You: Sex time now! (this had Sean laughing for like ten minutes)
You: Press the ‘d’ key!
Stranger: d
You: YES!
You: Again
Stranger: f/m
You: Those aren’t d’s
Stranger: f/m???
You: d
You: d or it didn’t happen
Stranger: d
You: Yeahhhhhhh
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
You: That’s making me hot
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
So yeah. Faking a fetish for the ‘d’ key brings hilarious results.
Eigenblogger 