HOLLY CARP IS REAL


Holly Carp now has a Facebook. And in case you weren’t there and are wondering what the hell I’m talking about and what the big deal is, Holly Carp is an individual Maggie and I discovered on the night before the band trip down to Boise, the night we stayed up all night and were IM-ing each other while sitting right next to each other.

And in case you’re not on Facebook and want to know of this wonderful being, here is her profile:

 

Activities: being awesome, quoting the Bible verbatim, quoting the fish equivalent of the Bible verbatim, confounding the most genius of the human species, swimming, looking for a mate to fertilize my eggs, making fishy faces at confused passers-by, holding talk therapy groups for sharks confused about their sexuality, marketing my self-help video entitled “Who Needs a Doral Fin When You’ve Got a Name That is Commonly Confused with the Word “Crap”?”, bumming rides off of people, DJ-ing, playing solitaire, solving live’s mysteries, calling the operator and having lengthy discussions about why they chose their career, convincing people I’m real, being a stunt double for Dr. Phil, eating whatever the hell carp eat, break dancing.

Interests: philosophy, contact sports, optometry, humans’ depletion of natural resources and how we’re all screwed, Nebraska, the “Holly Carp Is Real” Campaign, WSU and their fascination with large cats, WSU and their placement of the cattle breeding pen in close proximity to the captive bear area, volleyball, other carp.

Favorite Music: Katrina and the Waves, The Backstreet Boys, Kenny G.

Favorite TV Shows: The Dr. Phil Show

Favorite Movies: Finding Nemo

Favorite Books: The World According to Carp, How to Keep Koi, Goldfish and Other Carp, Carp Fishing on Valium, Die Like the Carp!, Carp in the Bathtub, Richard Scarry’s Best First Book Ever.

Favorite Quotes: “Holly Carp is real.”

About Me: I am Holly Carp. I am real. I type in all-caps because I’m just that important. I enjoy long walks on the beach, or preferably in the water itself, me being a carp and all.
I am all-knowing and all-powerful. My powers of logic and deduction astonish even the most intelligent of men, including Stephen Hawking, one of many whom I have single-handedly beat at swimming.
I won the gold medal in Awesome in the first Olympic games.
I alone built five miles of the Great Wall of China.
I fantasize nightly of a schooner whose love I was lucky enough to possess one lonely night when the waters were still and our hearts were a-flutter with true love.
I’m looking to find a man of similar interests and who has big gills. Seriously though, gill size doesn’t matter. But I’d like his to be big.

Like, huge.

Seriously.

 

I also noticed a few minutes ago that in the religious views is typed, “I worship cod,” which rhymes nicely with “I worship god.”

 

I’m funny.

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