Silly Claudia Idea #3144:
What would happen if famous books were really all about statistics?
- The Trial would become The Bernoulli Trial
- The Count of Monte Cristo would become The Count of Monte Carlo
- Great Expectations would become Great Expected Values
- The Old Man and the Sea would become The Old Man and the C-Test
- The Wonderful Wizard of Oz would become The Wonderful Wizard of Odds
- The Bell Jar would become The Bell Curve…though of course, there already is a book called The Bell Curve, so how about this: For Whom the Bell Tolls would become For Whom the Bell Curves
- The Kite Runner would become The Code Runner
- The Sun Also Rises would become The Sum Also Rises
And finally,
- One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich would become One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich is Not a Large Enough Sample Size to Allow Us to Make Claims About the Average Day of Ivan Denisovich.
MAKE IT HAPPEN!
(Sorry, I’m super nervous for tomorrow and thus am making zero sense today.)
Walk into the club like, “ouch!”
I’ve been studying for like 300 hours straight, so I need a frivolous distraction from it all. Warning: this is like a mash-up of five different surveys.
Who were you with yesterday?
Apart from being on campus with a bunch of students, no one.
What woke you up this morning?
Panic about the impending 701 final.
Where are you?
IN PANIC MODE!
Is tomorrow going to be a good day?
Tomorrow I’ll likely be in an even greater mode of panic than today.
What’s on your mind RIGHT NOW?
The 701 final.
Do you listen to music every day?
I do indeed! Music chills me out. And I also kind of have to listen to it every day, what with my “Decade of Music” project.
Are you a fast typist?
I can hit 110 WPM pretty consistently .
Whats your favorite type of soda?
It’s this new stuff called “water.” It’s really good, you should give it a try.
Have you ever won an award?
I’ve won a few school-related ones.
Are you listening to music right now?
Yup!
How long ’till your birthday?
A little less than two months.
Do you use eBay to buy or sell?
I used to. I haven’t used eBay at all in quite some time.
Do certain songs make you cry?
EVERYTHING makes me cry. It’s embarrassing. (So embarrassing it makes me cry.)
Are you usually a happy person?
Uh…I’m better than I used to be. Or I guess I could say that I’m more optimistic than I used to be.
What makes you the happiest?
STATISTICS! And Leibniz.
How’s your self esteem?
The Self Esteem Train does not stop at Claudia Station. The U.S.S. You’re a Big Fat Failure, however, frequents my harbor quite often.
Have you had an argument with anyone recently? If so, do you still have issues with that person?
I don’t know when I last had something that would be considered a legitimate argument.
Are you talking to anyone while filling this in? How about texting/chatting on Facebook?
I just sent an email, though that was before I started this survey. Gmail is still open in my browser, though.
Have you done something recently that helped someone else, in any way?
I’ve helped our little study group with a few of the concepts/questions for 701 (and they, of course, have helped me as well with other concepts/questions).
Who was the last person to pay you a compliment?
My mom? No wait, Charles said he liked my shirt this afternoon. So Charles.
Is there anything that’s happened in the past month that you wish you could go back in time and change?
I wish I’d done better on our second 701 midterm. I got a 29/30, but there was the opportunity to get as much as 40/30, so yeah.
What colour is your purse/wallet?
My wallet’s sparkly silver with little stars on it. Or maybe they’re hearts. And I don’t have a purse.
What’s the closest item to you that’s black?
MY SOUL.
(Or my hair.)
Think about what you looked like 5 years ago. How did you look different, compared to the way you look now?
Hahahahaha. Well, I still look like a bucket o’ dork, but I don’t have bangs anymore. And my glasses are different. And my hair was frizzier back then because 5 years ago I was in Vancouver.
Before Facebook became popular, did you use any other social networking site, like Bebo or Myspace?
I got peer-pressured into getting a MySpace by my high school friends. Then they peer-pressured me into starting a blog. So you can blame them for all of this!
Has someone of the opposite sex ever sung to you? If so, how did you respond to it?
No one has sung specifically to me in the sense of like composing a song for me or singing a love song to me or anything like that, but I’ve certainly heard the opposite sex sing in my direction.
When did you last hug someone of the opposite sex?
The 29th of last month!
Have you ever seen the film “Casablanca”? Did you like it?
I’ve never seen it.
Do you have a relative whose name begins with ‘L’? Tell me about him/her.
Lance is my uncle on my dad’s side. He lives in California and basically took over my grandpa’s business when grandpa died. Uncle Lance is pretty cool.
Are you a secretive person?
I divulge quite a bit on here, but I have quite a few things that only one or two people know about.
When did you last eat?
Yesterday.
If you were going to buy a present for a special person, what would you generally choose?
I really try to get people something that they’ve mentioned just in passing so that they’re not really expecting it. Either that or I’ll make them something, but I usually only do that for super special people, ‘cause I’m kind of weird with my art in the sense that I like to keep all the originals together if possible.
If I’m going to buy you a box of chocolates, which kind should I definitely NOT get?
I’ve never understood the appeal of chocolate covered fruit. I also don’t like dark chocolate ‘cause it’s waaaaaaaaaaay too bitter for my taste. Anything else is good, though.
Is there something you generally always ask for help with?
I should ask for help with directions, because if I don’t I’m prone to wandering around in near panic mode because I can’t orient myself in space for some reason. True story: the other day (well, I guess the day we got down to like -25, which was November 28th) I decided that it was far too cold to walk so I wanted to go to the U of C rec center instead. I’d never been there, but I knew you could get there from the math building without going outside. I literally spent 45 minutes trying to figure out how to get to the rec center once I got into Mac Hall. It was sad.
If you had to give up your phone or your computer, which would it be?
HA, easy question. Phone. Sorry, phone.
Has anyone called you gorgeous/beautiful today?
Hahahaha, nooooo.
In what ways have you rebelled against your upbringing?
My parents are both radios. I decided to become a toaster.
In what ways have you rebelled against your schooling?
Um, I don’t know if I have. Unless you count cramming 4 years of undergrad into 2 ½. Though that was more of a “you told me this wasn’t possible so watch me do it and watch me do it with a 4.0, hahaha” thing than a rebellion thing.
Blinking Christmas Lights or Still Christmas Lights:
If they’re not causing seizures, they’re not blinking fast enough for me.
You are awake at 2:30 in the morning on a work night (or school night). What is the most likely reason?
Dude, at 2:30 my night is just getting started. I’m actually probably making dinner. Yes, my schedule is that screwed up right now.
Time Magazine says you are a candidate for 2014’s Person of the Year. What is the most likely reason?
They screwed up somehow, haha.
Your hometown is naming a geographical or civil landmark after you, as in Mary’s Creek or David’s Corner. What is the most likely name of this spot?
“Claudia’s Walk.” It would be a trail or something going through the town.
Twenty-four hours from now, you’ve got a great smile on your face. What is the most ideal reason for this smile?
I suddenly have gained the statistical intuition and abilities of Gauss and Fisher COMBINED and thus know that I’m going to NAIL the 701 final on Monday.
I tripped the light fantastic and now he’s suing me
Woah, dudes. This is awesome.
This is the same guy who did the video for Blockhead’s The Music Scene.
Guess Who’s Not Dead?
ME!
About time I uploaded these, eh? Sorry, y’all. I’ve been super busy with school. I’m used to UI’s 15-week semesters, not Canada’s 12-week ones. It gets crazy at the end.
I know it’s not an excuse, but there ya go.
I think it’s time to bring back Ridin’ Ritz Man.
Forgive me?
2014 Beats
The 2014 DJ Earworm mashup is here!
Considering how crappy the music’s been this year, this is an amazingly catchy mashup. I like it (though it took me a few listens).
Good lord
Oh dear god.
Warning: It’s HowToBasic so…expect eggs and other weird stuff.
StumbleStuff
It’s time for the monthly (bi-monthly? Tri-yearly? Is that even a thing?) “Stuff Claudia Found via StumbleUpon” post.
Because I’ve been obscenely busy studying for my Stat 701 final and thus haven’t done anything else worth blogging about.
Planetary Glass Set (out of stock, unfortunately, but still!)
AAAAAAAAH I LOVE THESE (but especially the “Little Miss Sunshine” dress).
The elements of the Periodic Table as characters. The “next page” button is up at the top under the blog header.
I don’t know if anyone who reads my blog would ever need this, but if you ever need to create a bubble test sheet (like the ones for the SAT), here ya go.
Also, this is great:
NANOWRIMOVER
It’s November 30th and I have won NaNoWriMo!
Final word count: 50,094
I actually have the desire to finish/edit this story. I don’t think it would ever be publishable, but I like my tree characters and the plot isn’t too bad.
Anyway.
Here’s a final Wordle!
Woo!
Today was fun. :)
In This Blog: Claudia Does a Dumb and Walks a Mile in -31 Degree Weather
I know that doesn’t sound like a very long distance, but OHMYGOD.
REALLY
FREAKING
COLD
It was really only like -8 or something (hahaha, “only” -8), but we were getting like 15 mph wind gusts—so with wind chill it was -31—and I had to walk directly into them to get home from the bus. It also didn’t help that there was snow blowing EVERYWHERE so it only took about 30 seconds for my glasses to get coated in flurry debris. Plus, it had snowed so much that it was hard to tell where the road was versus where the sidewalk was, so I was kind of stumbling around anyway, never mind that my eyelashes were freezing together and I couldn’t feel my toes after the first block.
Seriously, I have a new respect for cold now. I would not want to go back out in that.
(Except I kinda do.)
(It was exciting.)
In related news, this is going to be the first week I won’t make my mileage goal, mainly because the weather is not walker-friendly tonight and because it probably won’t be walker-friendly tomorrow. I’ll make up the lost miles after finals.
Claudia’s Still Hyper. RUN FOR THE HILLS!
I haven’t had any Red Bull but I feel like I’ve had 30 Red Bulls so have this survey sponsored by Red Bull and Claudia’s hyperness.
Ok let’s talk travel, do you like to travel?
I’m still kind of worn out on travel thanks to the “let’s move five times across the continent in less than six months” thing a few years back, but I don’t mind traveling in general.
Where have you been?
Like, on the continent? Three Canadian provinces and quite a few states, even though most of them have just been driven through. I’ve pretty much been to all the western ones.
“If you’re tryin’ to count states, I feel bad for you son; I’ve been to sixteen, but New England? Not a one!”
Oh wait, I’ve been to Massachusetts.
Next place you want to go?
THE MOOOOOOOOOOON!
What is something you MUST take with you when you travel?
RED BULL!
How do you like to travel? (mode of transportation)
Cruises are fun. Road trips are fun with the right person/people.
With someone, or alone?
If I’m flying I like to go alone; otherwise it’s fun to be with others on a trip.
Do you dance in your car when there are other people with you?
Back when I had access to a car, most definitely. I remember when we were driving down main street blasting the Numa Numa song AS LOUD AS WE COULD and dancing like idiots. Good times.
If you’re quiet what does it mean?
I haven’t had RED BULL!
Favorite scent?
The sound of one hand clapping.
Favorite store?
I love Bookmans. It was this store down in Tucson that was basically like a Hastings on steroids: used books (and lots of them), used movies, used video games/board games, used musical instruments…super cool.
Say you wanted coffee.. what kind is your favorite?
I hate coffee, bro.
Favorite kind of pizza?
Cheese (obviously), olives, and mushrooms.
Do you get embarrassed easily?
Hahahaha. Yes.
Do you mind people asking you personal questions?
Meh. I’ve blogged about so much of my life that I really don’t mind the personal questions at all anymore.
You have a tank of gas, $50, and the day off… what do you do?
I don’t know what I’m doing with a tank of gas since I don’t have a car, but I suppose I could sell it for some more money. Then I’d probably just go walking and end up spending all the money at Goodwill/Value Village/some bookstore somewhere.
Favorite TV show?
I still love Metalocalypse.
Song you turn the volume up all the way to listen to?
Any version of Sleepyhead, O Magnum Mysterium, Justin Timberlake’s Mirrors (I LOVE THIS SONG AND I’M NOT SORRY ABOUT IT), the Oliver Nelson Remix of Suit & Tie.
Something you keep in your car?
A non-car. It barely fits.
Highlight of your day?
Not having a panic attack about my upcoming final and project?
Do you mind if people just show up at your house unannounced?
YES. Though the people who know me well know not to do such a thing.
What do you do when you disagree with someone?
I usually stay quiet, unless it’s something I have a super strong opinion about and/or it’s someone I feel comfortable disagreeing with.
Do you enjoy rain?
OH GOD VANCOUVER FLASHBACKS MAKE THE PAIN STOP
Who’s your favorite person in the whole world?
Alive person: my mom
Dead person: Leibniz!
Another rant, haha
Sorry, I’m in rant-mode this week.
Alright, so one of the malls I walk to all the time is North Hill Centre. The reason I frequent this mall so much is because it’s in between UC and my apartment, meaning I can walk there from school, get grocery nonsense at Safeway, and walk home fairly easily.
To get to the mall form across the street, you have to go over this above-highway walkway thingy. Here’s Google Maps to help you visualize this:
(Do you like my super professional-looking labeling?)
Let’s zoom in on the mall parking lot, shall we?
Oh, what’s this yellow painted walkway? A corridor for pedestrians to get through the parking lot, perhaps?
Why yes it is! Look, the Google Maps shot even has pedestrians utilizing it!
So how come every time I go to that damn mall there’s at least one car parked in that yellow walkway?
Seriously. Do they really think that’s a special little parking spot for them? Do they not realize it’s a WALKWAY for LEGS??
It wouldn’t bother me so much if it wasn’t so hard to cross right there (okay, maybe it still would), but the way the other parking spots are arranged makes it hard for the cars to see you and you to see the cars. Heck, even when the walkway’s clear you basically have to step out into the lot to see if there are any cars coming. So why not add the obstacle of one or two drivers thinking that they’re super special and allowed to park in the shiny yellow spots?
*frustrated pedestrian mumbling*
Pedestrian Rant
There are two types of drivers here:
- Those who are super, super courteous to pedestrians and will stop like half a block away to let you cross the street and/or who will smile and wave at you when you take 3 minutes to cross because you’re trucking through two feet of slush.
- Those who will mow you down because they’re on their phone/are far too important to wait at most 15 seconds for you to cross the street/both of the above/taxi drivers.
Seriously, the taxi drivers like swerve to mow down pedestrians here. “Y U NO PAY ME FARE TO GET WHERE UR GOING HOW ABOUT I TAKE OUT YOUR LEGS THEN YOU’LL HAVE TO USE MY SERVICES HAHAHAHAHA”
(Or so they appear to be thinking.)
I don’t think I ever had a close call with a car in Vancouver; here I’ve had at least three. Not cool, Calgarians, not cool!
(Except for those of you drivers who are very pedestrian-aware. You guys rock.)
THE END!
Wheel of Misfortune
I love these adorable fools.
Michael accidentally guessing the phrase at 2:40 is hysterical. And I think these three (Geoff, Ray, and Michael) have the best laughs of the group.
Sorry, I needed something to cheer me up tonight so you get it as a blog post.
And how can you not love this entire group of dorks?
Let it Blog
OOPS I DISCOVERED “LET IT GO.”
Can you believe I’ve never actually listened to that song until now? And that I still haven’t seen Frozen? You’ll notice, once I get my November music posted, that I now have like 7 versions of the song though, haha.
Though this one’s my fave, because the Piano Guys are awesome and that white cello is super beautiful.
In the spirit of NaNoWrimo…
(I’m ridiculously hyper, so just ignore all this)
01: When did you first start writing?
Almost as soon as I knew how to draw letters! Seriously though. I wrote journals and journals of stories in first grade. The stories had plots n’ stuff, too. I knew how to write before then, of course, but first grade is really when it took off.
02: What was your favorite book growing up?
I really liked Skinnybones by Barbara Park. It’s quite hilarious.
03: Are you an avid reader?
Not as avid as I’d like to be, but that’s mainly due to a lack of free time. I read when I can, though!
05: Did you take writing courses in school/college?
Damn straight! I love writing courses. It’s always fun to have an “excuse” to write fiction during the school year. Also, reading other peoples’ stories = super fun.
06: Have you read any writing-advice books?
I’ve read excerpts of Stephen Kings’ On Writing.
07: Have you ever been part of a critique group?
Do peer critiques in my writing classes count? If so, yes.
08: What’s the best piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten?
I was told by like three people that my Newton v. Leibniz essay sounded like it came out of the New York Times, so that’s pretty cool.
09: What’s the worst piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten?
I wrote Andy’s Story back when my writing was even worse than it is today (shocking, huh?), and I remember during the class critique of it, this one guy latched on to this really small error I’d made in a detail and he just railed the entire story because of that. Like, really dude? It could have been fixed by a single word, it wasn’t like I had a plot hole the size of the moon or something.
10: What’s your biggest writer pet-peeve?
Like, in general? I think my biggest pet peeve, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen in published work, is when there’s a huge string of dialogue (like seven sentences) and only at the very end do we learn who said it.
Example: “I like to drink water from a faucet. But sometimes I use telekinesis to bring the water to me from across the room. It’s fun. But it’s also messy if I forget to bring a cup or if I try to bring too much water. I also like fajitas and doing the Macarena,” Stevey said.
I just think it flows better if we break up the dialogue and know that Stevey is talking before we get five sentences of what he’s saying.
11: What’s your favorite book cover?
This gorgeous thing:
12: Who is your favorite author?
Jules Verne!
14: What’s your favorite writing blog?
I don’t have one.
15: What would you say has inspired you the most?
That’s…a hard question. I don’t know if this counts as inspiration, but I’ve always been interested in the concept of lack of control, and thus many of my stories deal with this subject.
16: How do you feel about movies based on books?
I’m always hesitant to see them, at least if the movie is based off of a book I really enjoy (which is why I didn’t go see The Great Gatsby, even though Leo is awesome).
17: Would you like your books to be turned into TV shows, movies, video games, or none?
For most of my stories, it would be hard to turn them into anything involving a visual aspect (so any medium from the above list, haha). Prime wouldn’t work; the scarecrow one would be pretty tricky, as would Arborhood. I suppose you could do the latter two as movies, though.
18: How do you feel about love triangles?
Meh. Give me love dodecahedrons, then we’ll talk.
19: Do you prefer writing on a computer or longhand?
Definitely computer. I’m faster typing than writing.
20: What’s your favorite writing program?
Uh…Microsoft Word? Haha, that’s all I ever use, I don’t use that fancy-shmancy technology like those punk kids use.
21: Do you outline?
PFFFT, no. If I try to outline I fail miserably.
22: Do you start with characters or plot?
Plot.
23: What’s your favorite & least favorite part of making characters?
Favorite: Letting their personalities develop from the story rather than having preconceived ideas of who they are.
Least favorite: The above method of creating characters leading to character inconsistencies that I have to fix later.
24: What’s your favorite & least favorite part of plotting?
Favorite: working in a twist somewhere. It can be big or small, but there’s gotta be a twist.
Least favorite: knowing the best place to start so that the plot is concise but complete.
25: What advice would you give to young writers?
Write! WRITE LIKE THE WIND, YOUNG SON!
26: Which do you enjoy reading the most: physical, ebook, or both?
Physical. I’ve actually never read an ebook.
27: Which is your favorite genre to write?
With each story I write I’m heading in the “bizarro fiction” direction more and more.
28: Which do you find hardest: the beginning, the middle, or the end?
If we’re talking about writing rather than ideas: the freaking end. It’s so hard to end it “just right” so that you’re not ending too early but also not wrapping things up with a neat little bow.
If we’re talking about ideas rather than writing: the beginning. I never, ever know how to start a story.
29: Which do you find easiest: writing or editing?
Writing.
30: Have you ever written fan-fiction?
OH-HO-HO-HO, don’t even ask about that 217-page abomination.
31: Have you ever been published?
I had a few crappy poems published in high school. Does that even count?
32: How do you feel about friends and close relatives reading your work?
Eh, I don’t mind it. Unless it’s the fanfic. That’s for my eyes only.
33: Are you interested in having your work published?
Definitely! Though I think my stories are, in general, too “out there” for publishing. Like, who the hell would want to publish Prime? Or that scarecrow story?
34: Describe your writing space.
I can write anywhere as long as it’s quiet, but I really find it easier to think/concentrate in a library.
35: What’s your favorite time of day for writing?
Usually late at night. Though writing on the bus is actually not too bad, either.
36: Do you listen to music when you write?
On occasion. I can only listen to music without lyrics, though, or else I get distracted. But usually no, I write to silence.
37: What’s your oldest WIP?
Probably Prime. Though I haven’t technically worked on that story since mid-2013.
38: What’s your current WIP?
Arborhood!
39: What’s the weirdest story idea you’ve ever had?
(I have to say Prime again here, sorry.)
40: Which is your favorite original character, and why?
I’m partial to i, the imaginary unit from Prime. He was a snarky little bugger. He was also pretty complex (ha!).
41: What do you do when characters don’t follow the outline?
I HAVE NO OUTLINE. I AM GODBERRY: KING OF THE PLOT
42: Do you enjoy making your characters suffer?
Psychologically, yes.
43: Have you ever killed a main character?
Welcome to How to Write a Claudia Story: The Basics
44: What’s the weirdest character concept you’ve ever come up with?
Uhhhhhhh…probably i again. He was only around for like 4 pages, but he was my fave.
45: What’s your favorite character name?
I think Arrodine (pronounced ARROW-dine), the name of one of my trees in my current NaNo, is a pretty badass name.
46: Describe your perfect writing space.
A library computer lab! I’d also like to have people around me (though not too close to me, of course), because for some reason I work better when I’ve got other people working in my general vicinity.
48: If you could write the next book of any series, which one would it be, and what would you make the book about?
I still think I should write that super dark version of The Brave Little Toaster (yes I know that wouldn’t be “next in the series” but SHUT UP it’s a good idea). Remember my idea for “Burnt?” Blankie goes psycho because of lack-of-the-Master, leads the other appliances out into the forest based on his hallucinations, then systematically murders them all?
(Next NaNoWrimo, I promise.)
49: If you could write a collaboration with another author, who would it be and what would you write about?
Collaborating with Stephen King to write “Burnt” would be the best thing ever. It’d be like Christine but with a blanket. This NEEDS TO HAPPEN.
Pope! Pope! Pope!
Good lord.
(Sorry, I’m super busy studying for Friday’s test)
500 Miles!
Hey foolios!
After my walk today, I’ve officially walked 500 (well, 501) miles around Calgary!
STATS TIME!
- Number of walks: 65
- Average distance per walk: 7.71 miles
- Shortest walk; longest walk: 1.39 miles; 17.03 miles
- Average per week: 50.1 miles
Boxplot time! Here are miles by the days of the week (the red line is the average 7.71 miles).
WOO!
Also, have some perspective:
Here is a map showing the distance between a random location on the east side of Moscow and Walmart, which is on the extreme west side of Moscow. Most would agree that this distance, 3 miles, is pretty much “across town.”
Here’s the same distance in Calgary.
Just to give you an idea of how dramatically different the areas of the two cities are (that’s not even all of Calgary north-south-wise; it wouldn’t all fit at that zoom).
“Arborhood” Excerpt
Hey, so tomorrow is the halfway point of NaNoWriMo 2014, which is traditionally (not really) the day I post an excerpt. But tomorrow I’m hoping to hit 500 miles and thus I’ll be dedicating my blog to that.
So let’s break (non-)tradition and post an excerpt today!
So here’s the setup you need to understand the excerpt: I’m writing about TREES! Specifically, I’m writing about six giant redwoods in the Grove of Titans in California. The basic plot (so far) is this: Hesher is the oldest tree in the grove at 2,762 years old. Dooser, the tree growing next to him, is quite a bit younger but is the tallest tree in the grove. Since the two trees grow so close to one another, they are practically best friends.
One night, Hesher secretly tells Dooser that he is tired of living—he’s lived so long he feels like he’s seen everything and is tired of every day feeling the exact same. He doesn’t tell Dooser to kill him, but he tells him that it would be a great favor to him if ever an opportunity would arise for Dooser to somehow shorten his life.
(I know that sounds like the most morbid, emo plot ever, but Hesher is looking at death from an optimistic standpoint—he realizes that he’s been alive a very, very long time and feels in part like it’s time for the next step, which is to become part of the earth once more and be recycled back into nutrients for other trees).
Anyway. One night there’s a pretty bad wind storm that’s powerful enough to shake even the redwoods. After some thought, Dooser determines that this is one of those opportunities Hesher had been talking about, so during a particularly big gust of wind, Dooser lets one of his larger branches fall on Hesher. This causes the older tree to collapse (he was partially rotted through in the lower portion of his trunk) and he is mostly uprooted once he falls to the ground
The other trees, of course, are extremely upset by this, as they know that Hesher will now die a slow death on the forest floor. Some of them blame Dooser and claim that the “accident” was no real accident. Dooser, however, keeps quiet about this, as he knows that if he tells them about Hesher’s wishes, he’d be disrespecting him and his authority as the oldest tree.
Following this storm, there is an extremely hot and dry period with no rainfall and very little relief from an abnormally hot summer. Dooser starts been spending his nighttime talking to the fallen Hesher, keeping him company, but one night Hesher falls asleep as the sun sets while Dooser stays awake at night. However, he realizes that Arrodine, the tree across the grove, is awake and he starts talking to her. The two are about the same age and have been friends for a long time, but they had grown apart recently, partially due to the branch incident. This is their first one-on-one conversation in a long time.
(Note that this is unedited NaNoWriMo blathering, so apologies for the lack of quality.)
But one of those rare nights during which Hesher slept, during the midst of the drought when there was still no rain in sight, Dooser found that he was not alone in the dark. Around sunset, Hesher had fallen into a sleep that had started out restless but progressed rather rapidly into a deep, motionless sleep. It was rare for trees to be completely still, even when asleep, but Hesher was so completely exhausted that there was not even a flutter of his leaves, save for the bit of motion caused by the winds that managed to make it to the forest floor. Dooser didn’t know if Hesher’s stillness was due solely to exhaustion or to the death that was slowly taking over his body. He didn’t want to think about the latter option.
But as he stood towering into the night sky, unable to sleep as always and keeping a watchful eye over his fallen friend, he realized that Arrodine was awake across the grove. He couldn’t see her, of course, save for the dim glow of moonlight flickering against her leaves and coating the rough edges of her sheaths of bark in a velvet-like glow. But he could tell by the way she was moving that she wasn’t asleep like the others.
He ventured to speak to her, but as soon as he spoke her name he knew it had been too soft for her to hear. He was so used to speaking to Hesher, who was much closer and much quieter (Arrodine would have to hear him over the rustle of her great mass of leaves; Hesher wasn’t able to move his leaves like he used to) that his voice now naturally took a quieter, more gentle tone than it did during the day.
But to his surprise, the large tree answered from across the grove. “Dooser? Are you awake?”
He gave a rustle of his branches in confirmation. “Can’t sleep?” he asked her, relieved to find that he wasn’t going to have to spend the night alone in silence.
“I can’t,” she replied. There was a hesitation before she spoke again. “I…I’m thirsty.” Though there was an undertone of shame in her admittance to this fact—she never liked to admit discomfort—there was also a great sense of relief in her voice. Dooser suspected she would probably never admit such a grievance to any other tree in the Grove.
“I’m thirsty, too,” Dooser said, hoping to validate her complaint by stating that he felt the same way. “I wish it would rain. We all need it so badly.”
“I hate this drought,” Arrodine said. “I hate not having enough water. I hate being so dry. It makes it easier for the bugs—” She paused, giving her massive trunk a quick torque—one that was enough of a twist to disrupt the dozens of bark beetles that had chewed their way through her dry, brittle bark and had made a passage to her inner trunk. They scuttled out and over her rough surface, their shells glittering in the moonlight, and disappeared into the forest floor from whence they came.
Arrodine resumed her sentence. “—it makes it easier for the bugs to latch on and chew on my bark. They’re trying to get to my heartwood. I’m surprised they haven’t yet in this dryness.”
Dooser looked across at her. She was no more illuminated than she had been when they first started speaking, but the twist of her trunk left her leaves in motion and they glimmered like twinkling stars against the dark night. The great presence that was her trunk groaned and creaked as it settled back into place. For a brief moment, Dooser’s attention turned to Hesher, whom he could see slightly better owing to the tree’s supine position on the forest floor. Hesher was clearly illuminated by the moon, and Dooser could tell that he was still in a deep sleep. He was in such a sleep, in fact, that a conversation with Arrodine wouldn’t wake him.
So Dooser spoke again. “I’m sorry about your beetles,” he said earnestly. Arrodine had been plagued on and off by the bark beetles and similar other pests for as long as she had been growing opposite of him. What made her more of a frequent target than any of the other trees around her, Dooser didn’t know. Perhaps it was because the sheer size of her trunk made it almost impossible for her to monitor every inch of it every second of the day. Dooser himself had a hard enough time doing that, and he was probably a fourth of her size, volume wise. He tried to change the subject to something a little bit more optimistic, though he found himself unable to talk about anything but water. “I can’t wait ‘till it rains.”
“Neither can I,” she replied. “I almost forgot what it’s like to drink from saturated soil. My roots are as deep as they can get and they’re starting to run out of moisture. If only there was a way to get closer to the ground in order to dig deeper and—” She let her sentence trial off. Dooser felt her glance toward Hesher, who lay as close to the ground as any redwood could possibly get. He realized that she didn’t find it appropriate to talk about such a thing when their oldest member lay dying on the forest floor.
“Do you think Hesher will make it ‘till it rains?” He asked, thinking about the fallen tree.
“Dooser! It’s not right to talk about such a thing. Of course he’ll make it to the rain.”
“You don’t know that,” Dooser countered. “I don’t know that. I don’t think even Hesher knows that. It depends on a lot of things.”
She spoke after a bit of hesitation. “Like how many roots he has still functioning,” she eventually said, as if to rationalize what factors were needed in order for the old tree to live until the drought had ceased.
“Yes.”
“And how deep they are.”
“Yes.”
“And whether or not there’s a fire.”
“Don’t talk about fire,” Dooser was quick to comment, shuddering at the thought of flames ripping through the dehydrated forest. “It’s too dry for there to even be clouds. No chance of them, so no chance of lightning.”
They were quiet for a moment or two.
“I’m starting to think that half the forest won’t even make it until the rain,” Arrodine said finally. “It’s so dry. We’re so thirsty. When the sun comes up in the morning, I think to myself, ‘this is it, it’s going to start turning around today, it can’t be this dry forever.’ But then I see those firs behind you—there’s five of them—who sit in a sunny patch all day long—I see the dread that overcomes them as the sun’s rays hit the very tops of their branches and then slowly descend down their entire trunks. They’re suffering, Dooser. They’re brittle and they look almost ready to collapse. And as the day goes on I see no relief in the dryness, and the sun just keeps shining on those firs. They’re so relieved when the sun goes down. So am I. I’m starting to like the night more and more.”
Dooser didn’t quite know what to say to this. “It will rain,” was his weak, unconvincing response. “It always rains. I’ve been through bad droughts before. It always rains.” He stopped. Arrodine said nothing in response, so he said, “I like the nights, too.”
“I hear you talk with Hesher,” she said softly, almost gently, as if she were forbidden from doing so. “Every so often I wake up for a few minutes or so; you’re always talking when I wake up like that. Do you talk to him a lot?”
“Every night,” Dooser replied with a bit of caution. He didn’t want to accidentally make her feel guilty for not speaking to the old redwood as much as she had when he’d been standing, but he also didn’t want to draw attention to the fact that it was one of his branches that had downed Hesher in the first place—a fact about which he was sure the other trees thought he should feel guilty. He added, “does that bother your sleep?”
“No,” she answered. “Not at all. I like the sound of it, of the two of you talking. It’s almost—” She paused, thinking, and Dooser suspected she was going to say that it was almost like old times—like when Hesher had still been standing.
But instead she said, “It’s calming. I like hearing conversation when I wake up. It makes the nights not as lonely, especially now that I’m starting to prefer them to the day.”
They were silent for a moment, with nothing but the dry sound of their branches swaying in the hot wind. Even at night they couldn’t escape the heat in its entirety.
Dooser said, “I miss talking to you, Arrodine. Remember how we used to talk at night so often?”
“I do,” she replied. “I miss it too.”
In the silence that followed, a memory was shared between the two trees: a memory of their younger selves staying up well past sunset until the others of the Grove went to sleep, and then, in hushed tones, discussing anything and everything they could think of. Apart from Hesher, Dooser’s relationship with Arrodine had been the closest relationship he’d ever had to another being. The fact that they had been slowly drifting apart in the sense that their nightly conversations had grown more and more infrequent—not to mention shorter and shorter—was a fact that he hadn’t wanted to face up until this point. But here it was, staring straight at him.
Across the Grove, he heard Arrodine shift her branches restlessly. Was it the silence getting to her? Or the memories? Or possibly just the heat?
“We should start talking like that again,” he said to break the uncomfortable silence.
“I’d like that,” she said.
“It will be just like it was, back when we were younger. And shorter,” he laughed, referencing himself.
She laughed, too. “And smaller.” She creaked her trunk for emphasis.
“We should talk again soon,” he said, excited about the prospect of revitalizing his relationship with the large tree across the Grove.
“Yes; soon.”
“After—” It was Dooser’s turn to stop himself. After what? He couldn’t help his gaze from traveling down to Hesher. The fallen tree lay still in his deep sleep. For now, he was oblivious to the heat still hovering in the air, making the other trees and plants and creatures uneasy and uncomfortable. He was oblivious to the extreme lack of water plaguing the forest, this by virtue of the majority of his roots either being ripped from their anchoring or simply snapped as he had fallen. He was oblivious to the passing of time that would once again bring a new day and would bring him, thus, one day closer to his death.
And he was oblivious to the fact that this inevitable death of his was now being used as a marker in the future—a point at which Dooser could resume his nightly talks with Arrodine. He felt shame at even hinting at such a thing wash over his body, but Arrodine was quick to attempt to repair his blunder.
“After the rain?” She suggested.
Dooser heaved a sigh of relief, though he was sure that she was just being kind and had realized that he had unconsciously been referring to Hesher’s death.
“After the rain.” He ruffled his leaves as she did, trying in vain to relieve himself of some of the heat. He peered up into the night sky, its color a deep, velvety blue-black dotted intermittently with the pinpoints of stars. Even in the vast expanse toward which he reached, into which he towered further than any other living thing as far as he could see, Dooser could not escape from the heat. He could not escape from the here and now.
He let his branches come to a shuddering standstill, listening as the dry, browning leaves crackled against one another until they all became silent, not to speak again until he wanted them to, like a million dying creatures waiting for an excuse to voice their last thoughts.
He sensed Arrodine looking across at him and he looked back at her, the massive tree swaying her branches and creating the slightest breeze. Her leaves, like his, crackled like death.
“I hate this drought,” he said.
STRUM STRUM I’M A DRUM
Alright you dude-machines, it’s time for a rant (and lots of caps lock).
(I’ve ranted about this like 238 times before, but it’s still important, so you have to deal with it.)
It really bothers me when people divorce mathematical theorems/proofs/lemmas/what-have-yous from the people who came up with them.
Like, I get it. The math on its own is obviously important. DUH.
But it really bugs the crap out of me when people are like, “why do we care about Such-And-Such who came up with the Such-And-Such Theorem? Just give us the math, yo!”
UM HELLO YOU WOULDN’T EVEN HAVE THE SUCH-AND-SUCH THEOREM IF IT WEREN’T FOR SUCH-AND-SUCH SO GIVE SUCH-AND-SUCH THEIR MOMENT IN THE SUN OKEY-DOKEY?
ALSO. I think knowing who/when/why/how someone freaking COMES UP WITH A THEOREM (or lemma or proof or whatev) can not only help someone better understand the reasoning/logic behind the theorem, but can also help put it into context with other possibly non-math events and maybe make it more relevant/understandable. Remember when I talked about how Kepler doubted the accuracy of the volume measure of a wine maker’s wine barrel and how that helped lead him on the path to figuring out a more accurate method of measuring the volume of such an oddly-shaped object? Not only is that an interesting tidbit of knowledge, but it helps give some context/background for the beginnings of calculus. It’s not necessary to understand the math, but I think it helps from making the math seem so removed from “real life” as it has a tendency to be if it’s taught as a bunch of formulas and Greek letters and “this will be on the test so memorize it” pieces of info.
Eigenblogger 