Category Archives: Food

Woah, cool

This is super cool and interesting.

I am Level -100 chef.

Edit: another!

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In This Blog: Claudia Ranks Pasta Shapes

Why? Because I produce nothing but quality blog content, that’s why.

Disclaimer: there are like 600 different pasta shapes, so I’m going to limit this to pasta shapes that I am relatively familiar with and/or have seen in the wild to avoid this blog dragging on for ever and ever only to contain obscure pastas that no one’s ever heard of. Like, “bigoli” sounds like a fake Italian word that someone came up with when pretending to be Italian and is thus hilarious, but I’ve never seen it on a shelf, so it’s not gonna be on this list.

Anyway. Ready?

[Edit: this list is a lot shorter than I thought it’d be, haha. I GUESS I AM NOT THE PASTA CONNOISSEUR I THOUGHT I WAS MY LIFE IS A LIE]

Pappardelle
Confession: I have never actually had pappardelle noodles, but this is the tastiest looking pasta in the universe.
Seriously, look at it.

08-23-2018
(from here)

I NEEEEEED!

Penne
Penne is my bro, but only if it’s got the ridges. The smooth ones look like weird sharp penises and that’s not super appetizing.

Spaghetti
The good old standard. But I’m super picky about what spaghetti is the best. Some brands make it too thin, and I don’t like thin pasta. Winco’s brand is actually the best.

Ravioli
I used to make ravioli (“make” as in boil pre-made stuff I got at the store) at like 1 AM after I got back from work when I worked the closing shift at Wendy’s. It had like twenty cheeses in it. Fantastic.

Rotini
How to make the Food of the Gods™:

  1. Cook rotini until it’s almost mush (al dante pasta can go suck it)
  2. Cover cooked rotini with copious amounts of shredded Colby Jack cheese
  3. Nom
  4. Ascend

Linguine
Not quite as good as spaghetti, but a nice flat, not-too-skinny pasta that will sub for spaghetti if necessary.

Conchiglie
Little shells! Super cute. I actually don’t think I’ve had this type of pasta since I was a kid, but I remember really liking the texture of it. I liked cupping the shell around the tip of my tongue.

Conchiglioni
GIANT SHELLS! Never had them, but they look cool.

Fettuccine
Fettuccine works if you’ve got the right set of “other” ingredients, but I don’t know if it would always work. If that makes sense.

Lasagna
This is low on the list because who in the hell eats lasagna noodles outside of actual lasagna? I feel like they’d be super weird. …Now I want to try it.

Tortellini
Another pasta that I’m pretty sure I’ve never had. They look like ravioli with a little too much pasta bit and not enough filling. They also look hard, and pasta should be mush.

Rigatoni
Fat tubes? Yay! Can hold much cheese.

Farfalle
Li’l bow ties! Cute, but I’ve never had them. I suspect a weird texture.

Rotelle
Li’l wheels! See above.

Alfabeto
The fact that alphabet pasta has an “Italianized” name is freaking adorable. I like it.

Capellini
Too skinny. Weird texture. 0/10 would not nom again.

Gnocchi
Kinda like tortellini, I’ve never had gnocchi. They look hard. And isn’t gnocchi usually made from potato? IMPOSTER PASTA! IMPASTA!

Orzo
Is it rice? Are they larvae? Is it a mix of the two? Risotto’s evil twin.

 

…This was an exercise in “how can I waste my time this evening?”

Uh, McCormick?

HOKAY.

So.

I love black pepper. It’s basically crack to me because I need it on foods in order to live.

Anyway.

I put a metric ton of it on my scrambled eggs tonight and then, while waiting for them to cool down, decided to read the back of the pepper container.

06-29-2018

Do…do you put ground black pepper in cake? Is this a real thing? Or has McCormick been smoking too much of its own crack pepper?

Like, I initially thought this might just be a “generic back of package” blurb, but the wrapping says black pepper on it.

Dafuq.

OCTO-LIZARD HATH SPOKEN!!!!!!!!

Hi.

So I measured it out today: I put 6 grams of black pepper on my pasta/broccoli. That’s 113 shakes of the pepper shaker.

Am…am I a monster?

TORTS

AAAAAAAAAAA look at how tasty these look!

I should try the recipe. Soft tortillas are the bomb.

PSA:

I love cornbread.

That has nothing to do with anything and was not triggered by actually having cornbread recently, but I have nothing else to say today and I wanted y’all to know.

Bye.

THE BROCCOLI KING

So I just realized that I’ve been having the same thing for dinner for approximately 10 years (there’s been a little variety in there, but not much) and have never shared it with you.

So here it is!

04-04-2018

What’s in it?

  • Penne pasta
  • Broccoli
  • Feta cheese
  • A little olive oil
  • More black pepper than a human being should have in a week

Super simple and super tasty. I found the recipe in Vancouver on one of those rubber bands that holds bunches of broccoli together and have been making it ever since.

YAY SORRY I AM BORING

Sweet dreams are made of bees / holy shit, that’s a lot of bees

Mom: You should eat more protein; it might help your leg heal faster.
Me: Okay! *eats entire bag of cheese*
Me: Leg, why aren’t you better?
Leg:
Me: Do…do you need more cheese?
Leg:
Me: You probably need more cheese.
Leg: Maybe you could stop pounding me into the pavement for four hours every day, that might help me feel better.
Me: *buys more cheese after 15-mile walk*

I…I don’t do well with moderation.

CHEESE IS THE BEST

That is all.

I am in a mood™

Dinner: a handful of shredded cheese

Regrets: none

Aga-meme-non

Woah, this is super satisfying and calming.

Pasta La Vista

Here is a visual representation of how badly I want carbs right now:

 

Who wants some more RECIPES?!?!?!?!?

You probably don’t since I just posted one of these like two weeks ago, but hell, you’re gonna get some. Deal with it.

There will be more. There’s always more.

Heckin’ Bork

I don’t have anything to blog about.

So you know what that means…

RECIPES!

 

More recipes because I HAVE A PROBLEM

And that problem’s name is Foodgawker.

Enjoy.

I just had like 30 Jolly Ranchers and OH MY GOD AM I HYPER so here we go

I freaking love Jolly Ranchers, bro. But only the green apple ones. The rest can go suck it. Especially the grape ones.
(Grape-flavored candy in general is terrible.)

Jolly Ranchers remind me of my dad’s old condo. Back in 7th grade I’d walk there after school, go upstairs to the computer, and eat Jolly Ranchers while I acted like 2001’s Biggest Troll in the Yahoo! chatrooms.

Fun times.

Why are they called “Jolly Ranchers” anyway?

TO THE WIKI-MOBILE!

“Bill Harmsen founded the Jolly Rancher Company in 1949 with the goal of having a name that seemed friendly and welcoming to customers.

Makes sense. I guess “Angry Cattleman” wouldn’t sound as appealing.

“Jolly ranchers are amorphous solids, meaning their molecular arrangements have no specific pattern. They are hard, brittle, rigid, transparent and have low molecular mobility.”

Your MOM has low molecular mobility.

Also, I HAVE AN AMORPHOUS SOLID IN MY MOUTH

“Jolly Ranchers are manufactured by creating a solution of corn syrup, sucrose, glucose, or fructose syrup that is boiled to a temperature of 160 °C and cooled to create a supersaturated mixture that is roughly 2.5 percent water. As the mixture is cooled, natural and artificial flavoring, artificial colors (red 40, blue 1, yellow 5, yellow 6.specific) is added to individual batches of syrup solution which is later mixed with malic acid to improve shelf life and add further flavor. Once the mixture begins to cool it is then extruded into long malleable strings that are cut to size and individually wrapped and packaged”

Recipe translation: sugar, other sugar, that sugar, this sugar, Sugar Ray, more sugar. Add heat. Add rainbow poison. Poop ‘em out, wrap ‘em up, sell.

GENIUS!

 

…and now I don’t remember what I was originally going to blog about.

I JUST HAD LIKE 300 M&Ms

*sprints around the house*

*hates self*

You want more recipes? YOU KNOW YOU DO

DON’T MAKE ME TURN THIS BLOG AROUND AND GO HOME, YOUNG MAN

I’m addicted to FoodGawker, sorry.

Master Recipe List

HELLO, FOOL MACHINES!

So I’ve been really into posting links to recipes over the past year or so, right? Well, last night I decided to just make a giant Word document containing the ingredients/instructions for my favorite of said posted recipes, just in case they ever get taken down.

I shall share this document with you here!

Recipe Master List

The original sources for the recipes are linked, and the pictures belong to the corresponding sources. Recipes that do not have sources (or pictures) are recipes I learned from my mom.

WOO!

Foods’n’things

Do y’all want some more recipes?

OF COURSE YOU DO!

(I’m ignoring the crappy parts of my life by using the internet. Is it working?)
(I also don’t know how many of these I’ve previously posted on here, so apologies in advance for any duplicates.)

Garlic Cheese Bombs

One Pan Roasted Chicken and Veggies

Perfect Steakhouse Baked Potato

Peanut Butter, Banana, and Chocolate Chip Cake

Buttermilk Biscuits

Cheesy Garlic Knots

Light and Easy Green Beans with Eggs