Proof that Junior High-Level Poetry Contests are Jokes

(I’ve been digging through all my old Word documents, which is why I’m posting about this seemingly random topic today)

When I was in junior high, there was some Moscow-wide teenage poetry contest thing going on. I entered a few poems because why the hell not.

Turns out both poems ended up winning (the poems were judged with the author’s names removed, and both of the winning poems in whatever category I was in happened to be mine).

So as evidence of the nonsensicality that was this contest, here are said winning poems:

I am Gray
I am a cloud.
I am a crowd.
I bring tears.
I shadow fears.
I have been torn.
I am the morn.
I am your heavy load.
I am the wind’s sorry ode.
I am the cold.
I am old.
I bring the night.
I am fright.
I am the way
I am gray.

Insignificant
What is this little black point of ink
that seems so insignificant?
What is this thing…it makes you think?
It
stops.
And lets you start again.
It’s in this sentence.
And this.
Maybe you’ve discovered its importance?
Maybe not.
But it’s there when you speak and
stop.
And start again.
It stops you.
And keeps you from running into infinity.
And if you’ve learned by the book,
this black point of ink will dance at the end.
Period.

I’m goddamn Walt Whitman.
(Apologies to Walt Whitman.)

I JUST HAD LIKE 300 M&Ms

*sprints around the house*

*hates self*

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la BLOG

We have a Christmas tree!

I also have more crap to put on my trinket shelf.

What is my trinket shelf, you ask? It’s a shelf full of random items I’ve gathered over the years. Behold! (Clicky clicky to make it bigger)

Let me guide you through this nonsense, because some of it’s obvious on the picture and some of it’s not.

  1. A glass Santa paperweight my dad got me a looooong time ago.
  2. This doesn’t really belong on the shelf, but I tend to keep it there anyway. It’s a thing that measures the ambient temperature of whatever it’s pointed at.
  3. A glass seal that my mom gave me.
  4. A little glow-in-the-dark kitty with angel wings. I think it used to be a pin but the back fell off. I can’t bear to part with cats of any sort, so I kept it.
  5. A pinecone. Because yeah.
  6. A keychain from Sweden (that’s missing the keychain part).
  7. A deer-shaped basket. This was just added to the shelf!
  8. Rocks.
  9. LEIBNIZ STAMP. The most important thing on the shelf.
  10. Totoro plushie with my “I Voted” sticker from this year’s election.
  11. A rubber ball for dogs. Nate and I both bought dog toys for ourselves at one of the pet stores up here, because we’re adults and we can do whatever we want.
  12. It’s hard to see on the pic, but the ball is propped up by a small roll of silver tape.
  13. CLEFAIRY!
  14. Buddhas from Hawaii.
  15. A cat that my mom’s old co-worker gave to me.
  16. A rainbow butterfly that Nate gave me back around the time we first met.
  17. A random golf ball.
  18. A sponge that I rescued from the road (I know, I know, gross.)
  19. Another rescued sponge.
  20. Pusheen tags.
  21. A duck that was originally Nate’s.
  22. Pusheen!
  23. A green guitar pick I found on the sidewalk.
  24. The piece of fabric underlying everything is one I’ve been carrying around since like 1999 because I like the pattern.

I don’t know how Nate puts up with me.

The Worm

Hey, check it out, the DJ Earworm 2016 mashup is here!

Not bad, not bad. Certainly better than 2015, but as I mentioned last year, 2015 was not a great year for music in my opinion.

Hell, let’s rate all the ones he’s done so far, shall we?

In order from fave to least: 2009, 2014, 2008, 2013, 2016, 2007, 2012, 2010, 2015, 2011

Yay!

Claudia Ranks the Pixar Movies (That She’s Seen)

Read the title. LET’S DO IT! From least favorite to favorite.

#10: Cars
Oh, Cars. The black sheep of the Pixar family (at least until Cars 2 came along). I didn’t hate Cars…it just wasn’t Pixar-level good. I had trouble immersing myself in the universe it created, mainly because I think I had more questions about how the universe worked (e.g., are there still humans in this world?) than I’d had for other Pixar-spun universes.

#9: Ratatouille
Ratatouille wasn’t bad, either, but it wasn’t, in my opinion, as memorable as the movies higher on this list. Granted, I’ve only seen it all the way through once, but it still just didn’t stick with me like most of the other Pixar movies.

#8: Toy Story 3
I thought the ending of Toy Story 3 was very predictable. Not that that’s a bad thing, but it took a bit of the emotion away when I watched the ending because I’d anticipated what was going to happen. Not sure if that’s because the Toy Story movies and I are like bros or because it was supposed to be predictable.

But that furnace scene, man. That furnace scene. The first time I watched Toy Story 3 was while I was running on a treadmill on a cruise and man, I had to stop and cry at this, seriously.

#7: Inside Out
Inside Out was a lot better than I was expecting it to be based on the previews. Like any good Pixar movie, it had at least one scene designed to murder your soul. Welcome to pain. Good ol’ Pixar pain. (Those of you who have seen Inside Out know exactly what part of the movie I’ve linked to even without clicking the link, don’t lie.)

#6: Toy Story 2
I have an aversion to sequels like no one else I’ve ever met. But this was a good sequel. I really liked the idea of bringing in some history/context to Woody and there being this contrast between him being this extremely rare collector toy versus just this “regular” toy that Andy adores. Also, Kelsey Grammer as a villain = instant win.

#5: Finding Nemo
I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t like Finding Nemo. This is one of Pixar’s best, both in terms of storytelling and animation (and sad scenes). Plus, I found this picture and can’t stop laughing at it, so there ya go.

#4: The Incredibles
Waaaay underrated. For some reason, this one didn’t seem to get as much publicity as most of Pixar’s other films, even though I think it’s one of their best ones. The story’s good, the pacing’s good, and again, really good animation. Even before getting into the Marvel movies, I’ve always kind of liked movies about people with superpowers/special abilities, so that’s definitely one big reason why this is so high on my list.

#3: Monsters, Inc.
I think this is one of the most original Pixar movies. Very clever. I really like the humor in this one, plus the voice actors that were chosen are pretty much perfect.

#2: A Bug’s Life
Here’s another Pixar movie that I think is incredibly underrated. I don’t know if it’s because it came out practically at the same time as Antz, but it didn’t seem to get much publicity (at least as far as I remember) But I think it is another very original concept.

#1: Toy Story
Pixar’s finest. I adore this movie. Toy Story will always have a special place in my heart because it was really the first movie I remember really loving. (Unless you count Brave Little Toaster, but I don’t, ‘cause that’s not a movie, it’s a drug trip.) I don’t remember exactly when it was when I first saw Toy Story—all I know is that I was pretty obsessed with it. I was obsessed with it enough that I spent a lot of time trying to convince my fellow elementary school classmates to do a live re-enactment of it. Do you know how hard it is to coordinate first graders, especially if you yourself are a first grader? DO YOU?! We got like the first scene done and then their attention spans drove them elsewhere. Kids, man.

ANYWAY. Toy Story. My favorite Pixar movie without a doubt.

 

(Yeah, I’ve neither seen Up nor WALL-E. I’m a bad person.)

NrrNrrNrr

Do you ever wake up in the morning with just the most ridiculous phrase running through your head before you’ve even had time to process the fact that you’re awake?

Example: this morning, as soon as I woke up, I had the phrase “I DO WHAT I DO ‘CAUSE I GOTTA POO” blasting through my mind.

Why.

Nate is the BEST

So today marks two years since Nate and I met in person, and do you want to know what he did?

These ran all the way up the stairs to our condo (we’re the only ones that use that set of stairs) to a note on the door saying how happy he was that we were together and how he wanted to be with me for the rest of my life.

Do I have an amazing husband or what?

I have no idea what I did to deserve him, but I’m so glad to have him.

Doe, a drink with jam and bread…no, wait…

Every once and a while—like, say, every nine months or so, I get this song stuck in my head for like 20 hours straight:

I originally saw this on Albino Blacksheep back in the internet Stone Age (~2005), but now when you Google “cat I’m a kitty cat” the Albino Blacksheep link isn’t even in the first 5 results. Sadness. Albino Blacksheep is great.

Claudia Ranks the States by Shape

This is as subjective as it is pointless. BUT SO IS MY LIFE so here we go. From best to worst.

Idaho
I’M NOT BIASED, YOU’RE BIASED
Seriously, though. I like the shape of Idaho. I think it’s one of the more distinctive US shapes (as in, if you see it you’re like, oh, I know what state that is) and it stands out in the Western states by having quite a bit of jaggedness to it on one side.

Utah
I like Utah’s shape. Simple but distinctive. Mormons know how to do it.

Alaska
This state could eat a good number of other countries. I approve.

Texas
I hate having Texas so high up on this list, but you have to admit that it’s a very distinctively-shaped state. Everyone knows which state is Texas. Except Americans.

Hawaii
Islands and volcanoes!

New Mexico
Nothingness and excessive heat! I like the shape, though.

Nevada
Do you like 105 degree weather, hordes of drunk people, losing all your money, neon lights on everything, and a state that exists solely to wall in Las Vegas? Come to Nevada!

Arizona
Arizona is home to a tiny town called “Tuba City” which automatically makes the state this high on the list.
There’s also the Grand Canyon and whatnot, but…
Tuba City.

Wyoming
Generic Block State A.

Colorado
Generic Block State B. Why does Colorado get a slightly worse rating than Wyoming? Because Wyoming’s generic block shape is better.

Kansas
Kansas has its shit together. It’s like “hey, you want a flat-ass rectangle that’s full of tornadoes, a Cfa Koppen climate and nothing else? Gotcha, bro.” Also, all the major cities sound like bird mating noises. “to-PEE-kauh!” “WIIII-chi-tauh!”

Nebraska
Nebraska is Kansas’ socially awkward little brother who tried to be a rectangle but forgot what a rectangle was. Either that or pushy Colorado ate that one side of the rectangle and Nebraska’s too polite to say anything.

Oklahoma
It’s OK. Get it?!?!?!?!?!

South Dakota
“South Dakota: Stop In for a Visit or We’ll Let the Rock Presidents Eat You”

North Dakota
“North Dakota: The Obnoxious Rectangle between Montana and Minnesota. But Hey, at Least We Don’t Have Angry Rock Presidents”

Pennsylvania
Dayman. AAAAAAAAAAHHH! Fighter of the Nightman! AAAAAAAAAHHH! Champion of the sun!

Delaware
Not bad. Not great, but not bad. Also, points for 1st statehood.

Minnesota
I like states that are shaped like their name. It looks like a soda.

Ohio
I like states that are shaped like their name. It looks like an Ohio.

Louisiana
It’s a boot!

Connecticut
I like the shape, but not the silent “c.”

Montana
I’ll just leave this here:

Massachusetts
Boston!

Mississippi
Mississippi’s fun to spell, but that’s about all it’s got going for it.
No seriously. Look it up and it ranks first for all the “bad” things and last for all the “good” things.

Alabama
The same as Mississippi, but less fun to spell.

California
The good: redwoods! The bad: San Francisco. They pretty much balance each other out.
Seriously, Nate and I got lost in the untamed fern-covered wilderness in Jedidiah National Park for like two hours, but felt safer during that period of time than during the 15 minutes it took us to walk to a Denny’s in Tenderloin.

Missouri
Approximately 400% of my family is from Missouri. Which is the only reason why this state is listed as high as it is.

South Carolina
Meh.

Wisconsin
Cheese and weird accents? I’m for it.

Maine
I think Maine is the state a good number of people forget about when they’re asked to list all 50 states. Is it because it’s so far up there and so quiet and unassuming that no one remembers it? Poor little Maine. It’s the only state with a one-syllable name, though, so it’s got that going for it.

New Hampshire
Meh. Shaped like a lowercase “h” to make it easier to remember which of those 8,000 northeastern states it is.

Vermont
See above, but shaped like a “v.”

Florida
This state will never recover from the 2000 election nonsense.

Washington
Washington: a west-to-east tour. Pacific Ocean, Seattle, outskirts of Seattle, still being stuck in Seattle seriously how the hell do you get out of this city, Fallout-esque wasteland, GO ZAGS, GO COUGS, OH GOD IT’S IDAHO TURN THE FUCK AROUND

Georgia
Do you like peaches and a (currently) really terrible baseball team?
You’d better.
You’d better.

Arkansas

Iowa
SOYLENT CORN IS IOWANS

Illinois
Bah.

Oregon
I’ve never liked Oregon. I have no logical reason from this apart from just not liking the word “Oregon” and associating the state with freezing cold Pacific Ocean-adjacent beaches.

New York
Too weird of a shape, but I guess I’d have a huge chunk of the US population coming after me if I said NY sucked, so…

Tennessee
It’s the only ten I see!
(if the total ranking scale goes from 1 to 50 with 50 being the best)

Kentucky
It’s the only ken tuck ee!
That works better than Tennessee.

Rhode Island
Too small, 0/10 would not admit to Union again

New Jersey
The only good thing to come out of New Jersey was Michael Jones of Roosterteeth. That probably explains why he’s so angry all the time.

Indiana
No.

North Carolina
Too similar in shape to Virginia, 0/10 would not draw same borders again

Virginia
I don’t like the name “Virginia.” Also, every time I see any reference to this state, my brain starts singing “in SIX-teen-hundred-SEV-en, we SAILED the o-pen SEA!” and I have to go through the whole damn song. It’s awful. Get rid of Virginia.

Maryland
Not a fan of the shape. Not a fan of the shape at all.

Michigan
Hey Michigan, why you gotta be in two parts like a weird little nerd state? Why don’t we make that upper dingle part its own state and merge North and South Dakota to make up for it? We wouldn’t even need to change the number of stars on the flag. And we would have a state named Upper Dingle. Win-win!

West Virginia
Oh, man.

Drunk cartographer, slurring heavily: I—I’mma make a state.
Cartographer’s friend: Johnathan, put the pen down. You’re drunk.
DC: NnnnnOOO! ‘Sgonna be state. A new one. Right here.
CF: That’s just a blank space on the map where the borders of existing states don’t meet. You can’t make a state there!
DC: Gonna.
CF: We can’t have a state shaped like potato, Johnathan. Imagine the embarrassment if it gets back to England!
DC: I’mma…I’mma draw it, and I’m gonna name it…Virginia.
CF: Dammit, Johnathan, we already have a Virginia.
DC: South Virginia.
CF: Virginia is below it.
DC: East Virginia.
CF: If you go east of Virginia, you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
DC: North Virginia!
CF: …Okay, well, I suppose that kind of make s—
DC: NO! …West Virginia.
CF: *defeated sigh* All right, Johnathan. West Virginia. Fine. It’s a state. Now what?
DC: Fill it with hicks!

West Virginia sucks.

Holla Holla Holla, I Gotta Dollah

1. What are your current obsessions?
Walking. It has reached obsession levels, definitely.
Does teaching stats count? If so, that. And Leibniz. Always Leibniz. I’m also kinda getting back into clouds a little.

2. What are you listening to?
The sweet, sweet sound of silence.

3. Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often?
I wear my Black Mesa shirt an awful lot. It’s comfortable.

4. What are you reading?
Nothing, currently. That’s pretty sad.

5. What’s for dinner?
I want broccoli, but I had dinner last night, so I probably won’t have anything.

6. What was the last thing you bought?
Broccoli.

7. Guilty pleasure?
Broccoli. Um…fantasizing. About…stuff. You don’t get to know what.

8. What training did you get and how do you make a living?
I have five degrees—three bachelor’s and two master’s—four of which I’m not currently using. I teach stats, yo.

9. If you could go back in time, knowing what you know now, and choose a different career path, what would you train to do?
See above—I kinda got where I want to be by throwing every degree path at the wall and seeing what would stick.

10. What’s your best time of day?
Late nights. Like, 1 AM to 4 AM kind of thing. That’s my time.

11. Do you like being on a team or are you a solo player?
Solo, bitches!

12. What’s your favorite way to create art?
Poorly.

13. Name three items in your refrigerator:
Broccoli (surprised?), cheese, and another type of cheese.

14. Tell us about your first crush:
Oh god. That poor kid. “Crush” is a…kind word. This guy was more like “Claudia’s First Stalkee.” It was bad. That poor kid.

15. The first time that you became a boyfriend was with who, when?
Matt, when we were 19.

16. Do you remember what you did on your first date?
Drag!
Wait, was that technically our first date, or was it when we went to La Casa a few nights prior to the drag show?

17. How did you meet your current (or most recent) girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife?
On OK Cupid. He was brave and messaged me. I’m so very glad he did.

18. Do you remember your first kiss?
Indeed.

19. What do we still not know about you?
I like blogging. WOAH LIKE YOU HAD NO IDEA, RIGHT?!?!?!!!??

This is FANTASTIC

I have a new theme song:

Everything in this is truth.

Thank

It’s ‘Murican Thanksgiving today! So in honor of that, here’s a list of things I am currently thankful for.

  • I am thankful for my husband. Nate is an incredibly understanding, patient, kind, intelligent man, and I’m so fortunate to have met him and to have him love me as much as I love him. I truly believe that he is my soulmate.
  • I am thankful for my mom. I don’t think there’s a way I could properly convey how much she’s done for me and how appreciative I am of everything she’s done and the fact that she lets me be who I am.
  • I am thankful for my dad. We have a weird relationship (though I think my dad has a weird relationship with everyone, haha), but it works for us. He’s always done a lot for me, especially monetarily. For example, I wouldn’t be debt-free after 10 years of post-secondary school if it wasn’t for his help paying for my first undergrad run and letting me live in his basement when I went back and got my math degree.
  • I am thankful for my kitties. Both Jazzy, who I see every day, and Annabelle, who I haven’t seen in quite some time, are incredibly important to me. They both needed just some love and attention in order to become wonderful little kitties.
  • I am thankful for my job. It is the best job that I could possibly ever ask for, and the only way it could be better is if I knew it would be what I was doing for the rest of my life. Teaching stats really is my dream job, and I’m very fortunate to be able to do what I want for my job rather than be miserable (or at least less than happy) in a job that I don’t really have a passion for.
  • I am thankful for my physical health. I very rarely get sick, I’m resistant to injuries, and I am physically capable of doing pretty much anything I need to do.
  • I am thankful for the fact that my current circumstances allow me to walk as much as they do. This kind of goes along with the point about being physically healthy and the point about having the job that I have. I wouldn’t be able to do nearly as much walking if I wasn’t physically healthy, and I wouldn’t be able to do nearly as much walking if I had a regular 9-to-5 job.
  • I am thankful for technology. Even (and maybe especially) the “smaller” technology, like calculators and watches. We’re surrounded by this stuff and use it constantly; it’s really easy to take it for granted.
  • Finally, I am thankful for this blog. I might berate it and fail to update it regularly, but it’s a record of my past and thus is incredibly important to me. I’m glad it exists.

OK Went

So OK Go has done it again:

I like this one a lot. I don’t know if any artists will ever be able to beat these guys’ music videos. And while I definitely am impressed by their more elaborate ones, I still really like this (relatively) simple one from waaaaay back when:

LISTVEMBER

  • They weren’t expecting THE ANOSMICS!!!!
  • I love this city.

  • I still love this video of the croissant robots. The music makes it fantastic.

  • Here’s a picture of me in a bag, circa 2007.

  • One of my favorite things about Reddit is how you can find a sub for almost anything and that sub will be a community that expresses their genuine love for a topic/hobby/idea/whatever, no matter how popular or obscure that something is.
  • The small part of my brain that didn’t hate my recently-deleted NaNo wants to go back and give it another shot, because I kind of liked the premise of it all but hated pretty much everything else.
  • I miss this stupid show so much. I need to watch it again.

END!

You Need a Bun

I have NOTHING INTERESTING TO SAY TODAY, so have some Benny Lava.

God, remember 2008? How things have changed since then.

BREAKING NEWS:

Butts.

Lose Your Breath

So…I think I’ve developed sleep apnea (or something very similar?) for some reason. For the past few weeks, every other night or so, I’ll wake up because I’ve stopped breathing.

Which is weird. And kind of scary.

I don’t know why that would suddenly start happening, but it has.

Edit: we discovered that this was probably due to very low humidity (less than 20%) in the condo. Using a humidifier has eliminated the night breathing problems. Hooray!

 

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

I deleted my NaNoWriMo novel because IT IS GARBAGE AND SO AM I.

Edit: I also deleted my NaNoWriMo profile because EVERYTHING I WRITE IS GARBAGE AND SO AM I.

Well, hell.

So there are two main reasons why I should not be allowed to go anywhere on campus other than the math building.

  1. I’ll get lost.*
  2. I’ll want to get a degree in whatever random program I happen to witness.

Example: I wanted to hold a review session for my second midterm, so I had to get a room booked that was big enough to hold at most 120 students. Because of the fact that the time of day of this review was still when a lot of classes were going on, my regular room wouldn’t work and I had to get a room over in the engineering complex.

As I was walking to the room, I saw a whole bunch of engineering students working on various projects/gadgets/equations/etc. which all looked super intriguing and made me do the thing I do where I just pick up a major because why the hell not.

So yeah. Math building only.

 

*I’m not kidding. When I first moved up here and started going to school, it took me an hour to find the campus rec center because I knew you could get there without going outside but I still couldn’t find it and I was freaking out because I had no idea where anything was or how to get back to my building. I think there’s something wrong with me.

The Changing of the Shoes

Woah, the first two minutes of this song gives me goosebumps, holy hell. Was not expecting that from Deadmau5.

Anyway.

Today is the three month anniversary of my walking shoes. It’s also time to switch them out, as I’ve gone over 1,000 miles on them (1,061.52, to be exact) and they’re just starting to get holey on the bottoms. I think these have taken a longer time to wear out than my previous two pairs because I’ve done a fair amount of my miles by running rather than walking in these shoes, and I definitely drag my heels less when I’m running versus when I’m walking.

As far as a mileage update goes, I’ve gone a total of 3,186.41 miles since January 1st, so I should hopefully hit 3,500 for the year pretty easily.

Hopefully.

Though I’ve heard we’re supposed to get a death winter, so who knows.

KITTIES!!

READ THE TITLE!!

In the Key of Spook

I’m super into my dumb NaNoWriMo story right now. I know it’s early in the month and I have very little written right now, but like I always do, I have a few songs that I think “match” well with the tone/theme/goings on of my story. So here’s the list for Ghost Town Realty:

  • I Died So I Could Haunt You by The Five Ghosts. Kind of an obvious choice, of course, but how many songs about ghosts/haunting are this upbeat?
  • Hello by Adele. I like how wanting this song sounds. There’s a yearning behind it that I think matches really well with the relationship between one of my living characters and one of my ghost characters.
  • Indigo by Epica. I don’t know what the climax of my story will be yet, but this would be the song to go along with it.
  • Life is Beautiful by Vega 4. Another kind of mournful/yearning song, but with a slightly different feel. My main character and his struggles with live vs. death needs a mournful song.
  • When It’s Cold I’d Like to Die by Moby. The right-after-the-climax song or the sad-but-resolute-end-of-the-story song.

Geist, Geist, Baby

So I don’t have too many “large” sections of my story yet, but I did kind of write out short descriptions of the ten different types of ghosts featured in the story. So that’ll be my excerpt I suppose. ONWARD! And keep in mind that this is all rough draft, unedited nonsense. And it probably won’t even be in the “final” draft of the story anyway; it was just a good place to kind of stop and describe the ghost types.

Anyway.

The encounter with the suspected Drone that afternoon had left him shaking; upon returning home, he quickly dug out his Bureau manual – something he hadn’t touched in years – to check and see if he had actually seen a Drone and not just an unusual looking lower form of ghost.

However, he was familiar enough with the lower types that he suspected the latter not to be the case. The lowest type of ghost, the Ghostlet, was one he had seen since he was 21 years old. His first encounter with this type of ghost involved all the typical encounters with Ghostlets. Nick had been playing video games in his basement when he’d heard a commotion upstairs. Upon investigating, he found an odd, clumsy being stumbling about in his kitchen, knocking over things on his counter and opening and shutting every cabinet it could find.

Luckily, Nick’s childhood fascination with ghosts had carried on into his teen and early adult years, and he was studying to become an employee of the Bureau of Death and the Deceased. He recognized right away that the being was a ghost and, specifically, that it was a Ghostlet. The characteristic clumsiness, as well as the way it stuttered when it finally spoke to him after he’d calmed it down, suggested as much. After much stuttering and sputtering from the ghost, Nick eventually gathered that he wanted out of the house, but had forgotten how houses worked since becoming a ghost. He had been opening and closing the cupboards to try and find the exit. Nick had led it to the door and the Ghostlet, clumsily grateful and apologetic for the mess he’d made, disappeared down the road. Nick had never seen him again.

But he’d seen many Ghostlets since then. Apart from the clumsiness and stuttering, he knew them to be characterized by their close appearance to their human counterparts. They were, of course, the ghosts closest to the living in terms of timeline. Thus, they held on to their physical human forms, sometimes even appearing indistinguishable to humans for those who were near enough to their deaths to see them. In fact, the Ghostlets had been one of the last recognized ghost types, as those who didn’t see them felt no experience – good, bad, or otherwise – from them, and those that could see them would often confuse them for living beings rather than ghosts.

But the Phantoms were different. The next step up, the Phantoms were the “stereotypical” ghosts that a lot of people thought of when they heard the word. A Phantom ghost was one who had lost all the “flesh” of a human and, unlike a Ghostlet, stood like an almost transparent projection of a human being. Social, drawn to humans, and naturally curious, the Phantoms were the ones most often accidentally photographed and the ones that many haunted house claimers used to justify their assertions that ghosts lived in a property. As harmless as a ghost could get, the Phantoms were usually the most benign of all ghost types. Their friendliness led to a particular law being passed that stated any house occupied by a Phantom could also, should both parties agree to it, be occupied by a human or multiple humans as well. Of course, as is the case with any other ghost, only those close enough to their deaths could see the Phantoms. They were common – not as common as Ghostlets, but a ghost that was seen frequently by the common person and by those in the Bureau.

Standers were Phantoms but with social anxiety disorder. That was the lighthearted way Nick’s manual had treated them and how it explained the difference between them and the step from which they evolved. Shier than Phantoms, Standers were usually stranded amongst people solely due to the reason that while many felt as if they could float through walls and floors at this stage in their existence as a ghost, moving through solid, non-organic objects was something that didn’t happen until a ghost was, at the very least, a Blue Type. But the Standers always seemed to be confident in their ability to warp physical space around them and were always disappointed when they’d planned to use this ability to escape sticky situations but were instead left to deal with the people around them, many of whom able to see them.

The next progression, Blue Types, were another general ghost stereotype. Blue Types were the first ghost stage able to transfer through matter, and thus were the ones that often appeared sliding through walls or beneath rugs or between stories in a house. True to their name, these ghosts emitted a soft, blue haze about them. Blue Types were commonly lonely and liked to be around people, but were more elusive than the Standers, as they could finally fade through a wall or drop through the floor when they no longer felt like being social.

Blue Types, like most ghost types, were often very quiet, their presences felt more by sight and touch than by audible cues. However, as they progressed in age, the Blue Types became Drones, the loudest of all the ghost types. The sign that a person hadprogressed from being able to observe the Blue Types to being able to observe the Drones – and thus, the sign that a person was that much closer to their own death – was not seeing this new type of ghost, but rather, steadily becoming aware of a low, persistent, unreal hum that seemed to be emanating up from the ground wherever the person went. The sound came from the sidewalk, from the pavement, from the garden, from the trees. It was all-encompassing and, for many, something that was difficult to deal with during the first year or so of having to get used to it. In fact, though it took a couple of years to do so, doctors and psychiatrists finally correlated the relationship between when many individuals progressed enough Witness Levels to be able hear the Drones and when many people tended to experience mid-life crises.

Ghosts that progressed past Drones quieted down once they entered their next stage: the Haunters. Haunters floated. They floated everywhere. They followed people, followed cars, followed flocks of livestock around farms. Perpetually curious about the human world they’d left behind, Haunters were always observing, and doing so quietly. In fact, a great number of people nearer to their deaths than most tended to appreciate the Haunters the most, as they were the calm, quiet sanity that followed at least a decade of having to hear the Drone’s low, mournful whine.

Once a ghost progressed to a Soul Slick, they stopped being bound by many of the laws of nature. Soul Slicks were small – the smallest, usually, of all the ghost types – and failed to resemble their original human form even in the most basic sense. Abstract, elusive, and commonly quick to move from location to location, the Soul Slicks were usually the ghosts responsible for misplaced items, objects moving without seeming to be moved by anything that could move them, and for many mirror experiences involving ghosts.

Soul Slicks, after a substantial period of time, became Whispers. Television static that seemed to talk, voices on the phone line that seemed to be there behind the steady drone of the dial tone, garbled words that crawled out of the sink drain as the water sucked and spun down – these were the work of Whispers. This form of ghost was fragile, fleeting, and difficult to capture, even by someone who was advanced enough towards their own death that they could clearly see them. Most were too fragile to  attempt a possession, and the rare Whisper that managed its way into the being of a living being usually had little time to do anything with the body before the being’s life expelled it as if it were a poison. In general, as it stood, Whispers possessed no desire to interact with living things. They were, in most cases, a higher level version of the Standers.

As gentle, fleeting, and shy as the Whispers were, Screamers were the exact opposite. It was common knowledge that a ghost could not cause the death of a creature in any way (apart from, perhaps, a human having a heart attack from fright – which in itself was rare, since everyone spent their lives with ghosts and thus were rarely startled by them). However, if a human came into contact with a Screamer, it was not unusual for them to feel like this common knowledge was about to meet the ultimate test.

Screamers were aggressive. As such advanced ghosts, many of them were attached as strongly to their respective residences as any human would be. It was widely assumed that Screamers, like every other type of ghost, knew that it could not cause mortal harm to a human. However, very few of them acted without the restraint provided by this knowledge. Reports of Screamer encounters usually involved some sort of struggle or trauma – being thrown down stairs, getting slammed against walls by the ghost as it hurled itself through behind, furniture thrown about and causing blunt force trauma, and various other injuries that resulted from the interaction of an overly aggressive ghost and a terrified human.

Then there were the White Lights. The top level. The end. The point at which there was nothing beyond. Nick’s manual had had a surprisingly thick chapter on the White Lights, despite the fact that the first sentence of the chapter somewhat shamefully admitted how little humans knew about this final ghost form.

All information about White Lights, he’d read, had had to be gleaned from those rare and often traumatized individuals who had, for some reason or another, seen their White Light as they faced the brink of death but who had then been grabbed and pulled back into the world of the living. These people, few and far between, all seemed to have slightly different experiences with their respective White Lights. Some said their Light spoke to them. Others said that their Light was silent, but had beckoned them closer with a cold, bright, finger – like appendage. Even others said that their White Light had appeared so far off in the distance that they had the compulsion to run towards it in order to not let it escape.

Claudia’s Updated Walking Standards

So remember when I made this little breakdown of how I felt about specific walking distances?

15+ miles: Good walk!
12 – 15 miles: Decent walk!
9 – 12: Yeah, sure, okay.
8 – 9: At least you moved a little. Sort of.
< 7: GO DIE IN A CORNER YOU LAZY CRAP

Yeah, it’s even worse now. Updated version:

18+ miles: Good walk!
16 – 18 miles: Decent walk!
14 – 16: Yeah, sure, okay.
13 – 14: At least you moved a little. Sort of.
< 13: GO DIE IN A CORNER YOU LAZY CRAP

There’s got to be an upper limit to this, but I haven’t found it yet.