Claudia Ranks the States by Shape


This is as subjective as it is pointless. BUT SO IS MY LIFE so here we go. From best to worst.

Idaho
I’M NOT BIASED, YOU’RE BIASED
Seriously, though. I like the shape of Idaho. I think it’s one of the more distinctive US shapes (as in, if you see it you’re like, oh, I know what state that is) and it stands out in the Western states by having quite a bit of jaggedness to it on one side.

Utah
I like Utah’s shape. Simple but distinctive. Mormons know how to do it.

Alaska
This state could eat a good number of other countries. I approve.

Texas
I hate having Texas so high up on this list, but you have to admit that it’s a very distinctively-shaped state. Everyone knows which state is Texas. Except Americans.

Hawaii
Islands and volcanoes!

New Mexico
Nothingness and excessive heat! I like the shape, though.

Nevada
Do you like 105 degree weather, hordes of drunk people, losing all your money, neon lights on everything, and a state that exists solely to wall in Las Vegas? Come to Nevada!

Arizona
Arizona is home to a tiny town called “Tuba City” which automatically makes the state this high on the list.
There’s also the Grand Canyon and whatnot, but…
Tuba City.

Wyoming
Generic Block State A.

Colorado
Generic Block State B. Why does Colorado get a slightly worse rating than Wyoming? Because Wyoming’s generic block shape is better.

Kansas
Kansas has its shit together. It’s like “hey, you want a flat-ass rectangle that’s full of tornadoes, a Cfa Koppen climate and nothing else? Gotcha, bro.” Also, all the major cities sound like bird mating noises. “to-PEE-kauh!” “WIIII-chi-tauh!”

Nebraska
Nebraska is Kansas’ socially awkward little brother who tried to be a rectangle but forgot what a rectangle was. Either that or pushy Colorado ate that one side of the rectangle and Nebraska’s too polite to say anything.

Oklahoma
It’s OK. Get it?!?!?!?!?!

South Dakota
“South Dakota: Stop In for a Visit or We’ll Let the Rock Presidents Eat You”

North Dakota
“North Dakota: The Obnoxious Rectangle between Montana and Minnesota. But Hey, at Least We Don’t Have Angry Rock Presidents”

Pennsylvania
Dayman. AAAAAAAAAAHHH! Fighter of the Nightman! AAAAAAAAAHHH! Champion of the sun!

Delaware
Not bad. Not great, but not bad. Also, points for 1st statehood.

Minnesota
I like states that are shaped like their name. It looks like a soda.

Ohio
I like states that are shaped like their name. It looks like an Ohio.

Louisiana
It’s a boot!

Connecticut
I like the shape, but not the silent “c.”

Montana
I’ll just leave this here:

Massachusetts
Boston!

Mississippi
Mississippi’s fun to spell, but that’s about all it’s got going for it.
No seriously. Look it up and it ranks first for all the “bad” things and last for all the “good” things.

Alabama
The same as Mississippi, but less fun to spell.

California
The good: redwoods! The bad: San Francisco. They pretty much balance each other out.
Seriously, Nate and I got lost in the untamed fern-covered wilderness in Jedidiah National Park for like two hours, but felt safer during that period of time than during the 15 minutes it took us to walk to a Denny’s in Tenderloin.

Missouri
Approximately 400% of my family is from Missouri. Which is the only reason why this state is listed as high as it is.

South Carolina
Meh.

Wisconsin
Cheese and weird accents? I’m for it.

Maine
I think Maine is the state a good number of people forget about when they’re asked to list all 50 states. Is it because it’s so far up there and so quiet and unassuming that no one remembers it? Poor little Maine. It’s the only state with a one-syllable name, though, so it’s got that going for it.

New Hampshire
Meh. Shaped like a lowercase “h” to make it easier to remember which of those 8,000 northeastern states it is.

Vermont
See above, but shaped like a “v.”

Florida
This state will never recover from the 2000 election nonsense.

Washington
Washington: a west-to-east tour. Pacific Ocean, Seattle, outskirts of Seattle, still being stuck in Seattle seriously how the hell do you get out of this city, Fallout-esque wasteland, GO ZAGS, GO COUGS, OH GOD IT’S IDAHO TURN THE FUCK AROUND

Georgia
Do you like peaches and a (currently) really terrible baseball team?
You’d better.
You’d better.

Arkansas

Iowa
SOYLENT CORN IS IOWANS

Illinois
Bah.

Oregon
I’ve never liked Oregon. I have no logical reason from this apart from just not liking the word “Oregon” and associating the state with freezing cold Pacific Ocean-adjacent beaches.

New York
Too weird of a shape, but I guess I’d have a huge chunk of the US population coming after me if I said NY sucked, so…

Tennessee
It’s the only ten I see!
(if the total ranking scale goes from 1 to 50 with 50 being the best)

Kentucky
It’s the only ken tuck ee!
That works better than Tennessee.

Rhode Island
Too small, 0/10 would not admit to Union again

New Jersey
The only good thing to come out of New Jersey was Michael Jones of Roosterteeth. That probably explains why he’s so angry all the time.

Indiana
No.

North Carolina
Too similar in shape to Virginia, 0/10 would not draw same borders again

Virginia
I don’t like the name “Virginia.” Also, every time I see any reference to this state, my brain starts singing “in SIX-teen-hundred-SEV-en, we SAILED the o-pen SEA!” and I have to go through the whole damn song. It’s awful. Get rid of Virginia.

Maryland
Not a fan of the shape. Not a fan of the shape at all.

Michigan
Hey Michigan, why you gotta be in two parts like a weird little nerd state? Why don’t we make that upper dingle part its own state and merge North and South Dakota to make up for it? We wouldn’t even need to change the number of stars on the flag. And we would have a state named Upper Dingle. Win-win!

West Virginia
Oh, man.

Drunk cartographer, slurring heavily: I—I’mma make a state.
Cartographer’s friend: Johnathan, put the pen down. You’re drunk.
DC: NnnnnOOO! ‘Sgonna be state. A new one. Right here.
CF: That’s just a blank space on the map where the borders of existing states don’t meet. You can’t make a state there!
DC: Gonna.
CF: We can’t have a state shaped like potato, Johnathan. Imagine the embarrassment if it gets back to England!
DC: I’mma…I’mma draw it, and I’m gonna name it…Virginia.
CF: Dammit, Johnathan, we already have a Virginia.
DC: South Virginia.
CF: Virginia is below it.
DC: East Virginia.
CF: If you go east of Virginia, you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
DC: North Virginia!
CF: …Okay, well, I suppose that kind of make s—
DC: NO! …West Virginia.
CF: *defeated sigh* All right, Johnathan. West Virginia. Fine. It’s a state. Now what?
DC: Fill it with hicks!

West Virginia sucks.

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