So Uncyclopedia is something I’d known about a while ago but had forgotten about until a random Reddit post that I came across today reminded me of it. A parody of Wikipedia, Uncylopedia basically mocks the hell out of everything through one form of humor or another. I think the first (and last?) time I mentioned it was when I was talking about some different Uncyclopedia articles for math-related things (including Newton).
So, of course, having been reminded of Uncyclopedia, I had to spend some time on it this afternoon (when I should have been either working or writing, let’s be honest).
On the “Alberta” page:
Calgary is most famous for the world famous Stampede where people gather to look at exhibits, go on rides, and wait in line to get trampled on by live-stock.
(regarding housing) The hastily constructed overpriced shacks also have the advantage that the majority of them are spaced 8 feet apart, so if your neighbour screws up your house is torched too. This recently happened in a major NW area in which 8 houses were toasted literally and firetrucks couldn’t get out there quick enough cause the snow was everywhere.
On the “Arizona” page:
Arizona is a 113,998 square mile sand dune located in the western United States.
Arizona has a constant and unwavering year-round temperature of 145 °F (336 degrees Kelvin), and an average of 0.0000000001 inches (2.54 × 10-15 kilometers) of yearly rainfall.
While modern science hypothesizes that at some time the entire planet was covered in water, no evidence exists suggesting Arizona has ever been below the sea level…Billions of years ago, as water on all sides came into contact with Arizona, it was slowly and methodically absorbed by the 50,000 foot high impenetrable wall of sand surrounding its entire perimeter.
On the “New York Mets” page:
The “Los Nuevo York Mets”, are inarguably one of the worst teams in Baseball.
They have won two championships, which is extraordinary, considering there have been about OVER 9000.
On the “Canada” page:
The world looks to Canada for international peace-keepers, since they possess no weapons other than snow shovels, and their jovial accent and flannel clothing are comforting.
The vast majority of Canuckistanians are actually invincible, impotent superheroes, invested with a variety of superpowers ranging from looking at TV or computer screens for entire weeks in winter to understanding the rules of hockey using telepathy and superhuman intelligence. For this reason, Canadians don’t need any form of government or even a military, since every single guy next door can either stop bullets in mid-air or cut through buildings using energy blast from their eyes, but usually they end up playing video games on their computers most of the time since no nation is crazy enough to attack such an intimidating and powerful county in Montana as Canada.
In 1952, the Canadian Air Force bioengineered all Canadians into developing resistance to the harsh winters. The technology involved beautiful fur growing out of their skin during the winter time, that really offers no thermal protection but is solely for repelling mosquitoes. This resulted in thousands of hunters from USA confusing Canadians for bears every winter, therefore explaining why Canada is so underpopulated.
To speak of Canada’s geography is to speak of the great swells of beaver that infest the land.
An early French remark aboot Canada dismisses it as “a few acres of snow”.
(Actually, the whole “Canada” article is fantastic.)
Oh my god.
There’s an article on Leibniz on Uncyclopedia.
The whole thing is a Leibniz/Newton slashfest.
- “He was born with extremely long and poofy hair, which he wore to bed every night and named ‘Poof.'”
- “The mathematician Isaac Newton fell in love with Leibniz when he discovered this divine hair, nicknaming him ‘Gotthair.'”
- “He enjoyed sex, tapdancing, walking his headdress, keeping frogs in his pocket, drinking, and keeping frogs in his headdress.”
- “Newton fell desperately in love with Leibniz, and ferociously stalked him. Leibniz, however, was not interested in Newton’s inferior and less poofy hair.”
- “Leibniz’s troubles of giving us this divine truth was due to the threat of Netwon’s sex drive. Leibniz was never able to sit down long enough to write more than a couple of pages before Newton found him again.”
- “Leibniz and Poof relentlessly attempted to avoid Newton’s calculus seduction, which began the series of violent battles known as the Calculus Wars.”
- “It has been theorized that Leibniz’s unique ability to rise from the dead is attributable to Poof’s power level being over 9,000!”
I AM LAUGHING SO HARD.
Oh man, have you guys ever read Uncyclopedia’s “Mathematics” entry? Oh my god.
- “Space, the final mathematical frontier. This is the study of Euclidean geometry. To seek out new angles and new dimensions. To boldly plot what has never been plotted before.”
- “But most importantly, professional mathematicians never get any sex. Ever. So when your guidance counsellor suggests you consider a field in mathematics, you’ll be looking at a long, lonely road of division, subtracted from the mainstream of society. What this all adds up to… is that mathematicians never multiply.”
- “Mathematical logic is concerned with setting mathematics within a rigorous axiomatic framework and whipping them until they cry out for their mothers.”
- (One of the footnotes) “Being arithmetically correct is so mundane.”
- And the “Basic Notation” table. Oh my god.
Edit: oh my god, the “Linear Algebra” page is all about spheres. I’m dying.
Uncyclopedia is great. Spent the night browsing it, feel substantially better than I did this afternoon.
From the “glossary of mathematical terms” section:
Absolute Value: The price of a bottle of vodka.
Cartesian Coordinates: Coordinates that one thinks are correct, therefore they must be…
Decagon: The cards are missing.
Euler’s Formula: The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Infinity: A big fuckin’ number
From the “statistics” page:
“In the meantime, you should have a look at some FUCKIN POLLS (1/5) “
“Type I Error: Getting statistically significant results.
Type II Error: Getting statistically significant results, lying about the results, and getting caught.
Type III Error: Getting statistically significant results and forgetting to write them down.
Type IV Error: Getting a type I, II, or III error and not realizing it.
Type V Error: You have no fucking idea what you’re doing, do you?”
Newton’s page is practically all about apples. It’s freaking hilarious.
“Four years later, Newton presented his thesis, On The Scrumptiousness Of Apples, to the university. Due to the prevailing low standards in science at the time, it was accepted and Newton graduated.”
“Newton was distraught and flew immediately into a violent rage. He ran into the local market and turned over a cartload of apples shouting, ‘run my pretties, I have freed you!’ This is believed to be the origin of the popular saying ‘upsetting the apple cart’ as well as the less well known phrase ‘don’t go mad and start humping apples like Newton did.’”
“Showing his potential from an early age, he had disproved the existence of God, society, and Asia while still a mere toddler, and the existence of over 30% of all known objects by his eighth birthday. Aristotle had not even learnt to tie his shoe-laces until he was nine.”
I still think Vancouver’s page is the most hilarious thing ever, but Surrey’s article is like 100% accurate. “The city’s current motto is ‘for the love of God, stay the fuck out!’
Today’s song: Ellens Gesang III, D. 839 [Ave Maria] by Barbara Bonney & Geoffrey Parsons