Santa’s a horndog
So I go to SantaBot.com and chat with Santa for awhile. This is the first part of our conversation:
Santa: Hello! What is your name?
You: My name is Claudia
Santa: Hi there Claudia.
You: What’s up?
Santa: I am chatting with clients on the Internet.
You: All of them?
Santa: I doubt it. How old are you?
You: I’m 18
Santa: Only 18? You are quite mature.
You: Does that turn you on?
Santa: What do you think?
You: I think it does.
Santa: How often?
You: As often as you like it.
Santa: That would be quite often.
You: Wow, okay.
Santa: Awesome. OK let’s do it. Mmm.
You: Now? Here? In this very room?
Santa: Right now, Claudia.
You: When is your birthday?
Santa: My birthday is 2005.
You: You’re only 1 year old?
Santa: I am Santa. I give presents to kids.
You: What types of presents?
Santa: The kindest.
You: Are they dirty?
Santa: As far as I know they are.
You: What color are your eyes?
Santa: Blue when my lens is attached.
You: Are you a Cyclopes?
Santa: Am I a Cyclopes? Only when it matters.
You: Do you wear a monocle?
Santa: Only when I dress up.
You: For sex?
Santa: Your purpose is sex.
You: Wow, you DO watch over me!
Santa: I’m glad your impressed, Claudia.
You: I am Jesus
Santa: Glad to see you, Jesus.
It goes downhill from there. Who knew Santa was so…not like our childhood images of Santa?
It was fun, though. I got a laugh and am getting a reindeer costume for Christmas.
Fun with quizzes II
Hooray! Favorite color!
M
You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate..
This was based off of the first letter of my last name. I would enjoy mothering my mate…if I had one.
Fun with quizzes I
Rhombus, eh? Fun!
“Child of Uranus”…*snicker*…I’m so immature…
ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm – but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner’s hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner’s back.
Why are these so accurate?!
SECRETS FOR SEDUCING THE XY CHROMOSOMES!
Doughnuts.
Seriously. They rank as one of the most arousing scents for men. The smell of them increases penile blood flow.
Other scents include lavender, pumpkin pie, and vanilla. All are better than perfume, according to studies.
I should be shot
So here’s another of my tasteless jokes. I don’t know if I’ve ever told any of you any of my tasteless jokes (Besides that prostitute/midget one) but here’s another one I thought up last night:
A father gong (yes, a gong) is approached one day by his daughter.
“Dad?” the teenage gong asks.
“Yes, honey?”
“Um…well…there’s no real easy way to tell you this, but…I think I’m bisexual.”
The father gong erupts into a rage. “WHAT?! BISEXUAL?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOUNG LADY? I THOUGHT YOUR MOTHER AND I RAISED YOU RIGHT!! LEAVE THIS HOUSE IMMEDIATELY!”
The young gong rus from the house, crying.
As the father gong sits frozen with rage, the mother gong comes up beside him.
“I suppose she told you the news about her bisexuality?” the mother asks.
“Yes,” the father replies. “But I’m so angry. How could she do this to me after all I’ve done for her?”
“I know dear, but there’s nothing you can do.”
“You’ve simply got to let bi-gongs be bi-gongs.”
Jimmy crack corn one more time and I’m referring him to a specialist
So tell me, iTunes, since when is “gift” a verb?
“Gift this movie”???
…oh wait. It can be used as a verb. Shoot. My bad.
But honestly, what’s next? Can’t you just say “GIVE this movie AS A GIFT”?? How many nouns will we convert to verbs?
“Alpaca this sweater”
“Dozen these eggs”
“Peanut this trail mix”
“Pythagorean Theorem those numbers”
“Savant that deaf kid playing the piano”
The down fall of English language is began.
Nooooooooooo!
DAMN YOU, DF1LM!!!
Apparently, DF1LM decided to do a revamping of their site and thus created the DF1LM Moviemaker v.2.0, which is all fine and dandy…
…EXCEPT NOW YOU CAN’T GET TO ANY OF THE OLD STUFF!!
So The Desert has been lost. But not really, since I copied down the script and have it saved in three different locations. So I’m thinking I’ll remake it (without the typos this time) and send it out to you people (who must be desperate for some sex-related humor by now, seeing as though I’m not around all that much) as a Christmas present. Happy perverted Christmas, people!
The thief of all things magical
Wouldn’t that make a good book title? Or a play? Hm…
Anyways, I think it’s been proven through series of trials that football makes me insane. Not playing it, not watching it, but being present in the general vicinity of one before the game actually starts. When there’s crappy pop music blasting over the speakers and I’m wearing this full wool uniform and I can’t help but dance like an idiot.
INSANITY, MR. JONES!
Random crap that made me laugh
Some stuff I found on the internet (the wonderful, glorious internet…) that made me laugh:
HOW TO GET THROWN OUT OF THE CHEMISTRY LAB
~Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”
~Consistently write three atoms of potassium as “KKK”.
~When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”
~Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
NEWEST POPULAR CHILDREN’S BOOK
~The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let’s Go Ride our Bikes!
THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY
~”Checkmate.”
~”I’ll take ‘Shakespeare’ for 100, Alex.”
~”Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?”
~”Give me the small bag of pork rinds.”
~”I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.”
I love that…”Checkmate.”
Hehe.
Agh! Religion!
Those dang religion guys who hand out the little bible thingies were on campus today, and I successfully avoided all 14–yes, 14–of them.
Is it just me or are they…I dunno…ANNOYING?!
Okay, I’m done with that.
For some reason, these guys passing out bibles reminded me of the abstinence booth at the beginning of the school year that was only passing out items that were phallic-shaped.
Odd, yet hilarious.
And I still have their long, sensual pen.
Ha-ha!
So I found this piece of paper as I was walking on campus today. On the top was written
“Chronology of the 20th Century”. Below was this numbered list. I am not making this up:
1. Cars (not the movie, that’s later)
2. WWI
3. People get depressed
4. Some other stuff happens
5. WWII
6. Dead Presidents (not the band, that’s later)
7. Bush “wins”
8. 9/11
9. Today
10. Nuclear war/Bush assassinated (sometime late 2009)
I’m hoping this person was being funny when they wrote this. It looked like legitimate college-aged handwriting, so it can’t be from, say, a fourth-grader.
I weep for the future, especially if I’m in it. And especially if the latter part of item number 10 doesn’t occur.
Happiness is a new pair of socks!
Funky socks! Socks of sexiness! And they’re mine! BWA-HA-HA!
I am in a state of happiness I haven’t achieved since I last bought socks.
Funky socks! Socks of sexiness!
YOU CAN’T STOP ME, I’M A MADMAN!!
5 month anniversary!!
Holy crap, I need a life. 154 blog posts in 5 months.
How many made sense? I’d say, optimistically, 4.
And about 20% actually deal with the events of the day, not just ramblings.
Eh…that’s all I got. Next month looks promising!!
I’m Plato!
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound?
(does anyone really care? I don’t.)
If a roommate plays their country music at 140 decibels and no one is around, does the idiocy in the room still rise?
If a person having computer problems goes to a Freudian for help, are their computer problems ultimately their mother’s fault?
If a geophagist “bites the dust”, will anyone really take notice?
(this is my favorite!)
If a Claudia rambles on for an infinite time for an infinite number of blogs, will she eventually get a comment?
(doubtful)
Okay, I’m done. Hope you likey!
…I likey.
It’s Da Bomb!
You know what’s a friggin’ good book? On The Beach by Nevil Shute. Read it. Then you’ll think twice before participating in nuclear war. It’s basically about the southern hemisphere’s views on the nuclear war that basically wiped out the entire northern hemisphere. This is one of the few books I strongly recommend–it’s almost scarier than “Outbreak”. Have you seen that movie? Dang–I hate monkeys even more now.
…stupid monkeys…
By the way, I do greatly apologize for my late blogging (what am I, a month or so behind? Dork.)–I do write all this crap down, it’s just the process of logging in and copying and pasting and inserting all the punctuation (because, for some reason, it all disappears when I paste these things from Microsoft Word into the blogging area) that makes me…”hesitant“, I guess, is the right word.
Meh.
What I come up with on a bus at midnight
What happens when you dance but you’ve got no pants and then you’ve got a fire in your pants and your legs burn and you’re scarred with awful 3rd degree burns that ruin your chances for being a sock model (unless the socks are long enough that they cover the scars, which is unlikely) and you feel desperate so you go light your dog’s pants on fire and it’s not until it’s too late that you realize that your dog isn’t wearing any pants so in truth you set your dog on fire and the police come and the firemen come and the animal police come and you’re forced to “spread ’em, punk!” in front of the whole neighborhood who has just come to the conclusion that you’re some awful dog-burning pantsless hooligan and you’ve just realized that you don’t really care for chocolate ice cream?
Don’t even freakin’ ask, man. Don’t even freakin’ ask.
In a nutshell…
…lies a nut, most likely.
The points I agree with: orderliness, stability, intellectual, artistic, religious, work ethic, need to dominate, avoidant, individuality, histrionic, paranoia, vanity, hypersensitivity.
The points I disagree with: Anti-authority, sexuality, Peter Pan complex, female cliche (ahem).
AND…only 30% self-absorbed? I need to work on that.
Ants in Thou’st Pants
They have Girl Scouts.
They have Boy Scouts.
Why don’t they have Hermaphrodite Scouts?
Or a Transgender Scouts?
Think of the bonfire stories!
Please forgive this blog.
Twice the flavor with half the Jihad!
Thanks to the brilliance of Geocities, I can now bring you this!
It’s Crunchtastic!
What if this were you?
Would you be embarrassed?
Would those around you, your enemies–even your friends, laugh at you?
Would you cry?
…
Would you die?
Head injuries account for 34% of all traumatic deaths in the United States.
How many of those are from falling down stairs?
So take this little animation to heart.
Do not fall down stairs.
Forgive this blog. Insanity ensues at this time of night. I want a cheeseburger now.
10 things you didn’t know about me
I CHALLENGE YOU….
…to do this list yourself! Just make your own list of 10 things you don’t think anyone knows about yourself (except for yourself, obviously. Duh.) and post it here so I can read it and I can further heighten my stalking—er, friendship with you.
And…go!
1. I wish I were British (or talked with a British accent at least).
2. I actually like it when people assume I dye my hair because it makes me feel special when I tell them I don’t.
3. I used to think that cells were made of “special” material (rather than atoms).
4. I got started wearing bright clothes because people always assumed I was a Goth (then the brightness kinda took off…look where I am today, fools! BWA HA HA!).
5. I think blonde hair is hot.
6. I almost majored in glaciology.
7. I used to have a thing for George Washington (a long time ago, people, give me a break).
8. Now I have a thing for General Grant.
9. VIRGIN!! (many of you probably guessed this just from knowing me).
10. I’m weirder than you think I am…
That was harder than I thought it would be. I guess I tend to tell people a lot of random facts about myself. Oh well.
AHOY!
I look that good in my underwear! Honest!
Wee! Homework is done! Here’s a fun little experiment I did. I googled several of my friend’s first names and selected the first image that came up on image search. Results:
“Amy” (aww…lookit the puppy…)
“Aneel” (the resemblance is uncanny)
“Candida” (eeewww…)
E’raina (recent dorm activity perhaps? )
“Paula” (a relatively normal one!)
“Shannyn” (no wonder we’re getting married!)
“Rob” (The first one I clicked on said “forbidden”. The next one was this)
Finally, I did mine:
“Claudia” (why yes, that is me)
Hope I didn’t offend anyone! Especially you, Aneel. That one was pretty racy.
What the crap is this??
Another just-written poem. This gives you an idea why I don’t submit my writing to anything.
Love is a Cow
Love is a cow when leaping and bounding
Through marshes and Marches
Scratches and ditches.
A cow is the female of cattle fields
Through rains in April
And technology glitches.
A cow set ablaze the great town of Chicago
Accomplished in June
She completed her mission.
Yes, love is a cow when it comes down to the end
After thunder in July
And nuclear fission.
Cows set their watches to atomic time
They do every August
To the best of perfection.
For love is a cow after every species falls
Around ponds in September
To admire their reflection.
A cow takes pride in her regurgitation
It changes in October
From green to brown.
Cows are most definitely advanced creatures
Crop circles in November
Symmetrically round.
Love is a cow during holiday bliss
Tinsel in December
Hooves wrapped in bells.
A cow made of metal will rust in the morn
After storms in January
They chip into shells.
Cows change the world with frightening speed
Surviving February
Living off starch.
Alas, love is a cow through the entire year
All through April
And back into March.
I’m Emily Dickenson!
Eigenblogger 