Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la…NITROGEN!
Today I shall present to you a numbered list of little items that have made me laugh, because I needed a good laugh today. Commence enjoyment!
1. Suicide video gone wrong. It gets better as it goes along.
2. I have no idea why this is funny to me, but it is.
3. The Beetis!
4. You’ve gotta love “Whose Line is it Anyway?”
Yeah. You guys may not find any of them funny, but I did, so I stuck ’em up here. Have fun!
It’s all in the way you look at it, I swear!
Haha, these are great. I can’t remember where I found them, but they’re great.
PHILOSOPHER BREAK-UP LINES
-Leibniz: It’d be for the best if we broke up.
-Hegel: The thesis is we’re breaking down. The antithesis is to fix it up. The synthesis is…we’re breaking up.
-Solipsist: You think the world revolves around you!
-Dualist: My body says yes, but my heart says no!
-Plato: Uh, of course we aren’t a couple. I’m Plato! Our relationship is stricly platonic!
-Utilitarian: It’d be better for both of us if I just left.
-Popper: Inductively, I thought I loved you and only you. Deductively, screwing your sister proved that false.
-Descartes: A relationship does not think, therefore our relationship is not.
-Zeno: We are too distant.
-Theist: I can’t explain why I want to break up with you. Therefore, God did it.
-Sartre: I am sick of you.
-Occam: I wasn’t enough for you, huh? You needed a man with a beard, too! The guy doesn’t even own a razor! We’re over! I won’t be multiplying entities with YOU anytime soon!
-Derrida: We’re too “differant”.
-Libertarian/Economic Conservative: This relationship is much too taxing.
-Intelligent Design Theorist: Some things about evolution confuse me. Therefore we’re breaking up.
-Materialist: Love doesn’t “matter” to you.
-Determinist: It just wasn’t meant to be!
-Marxist: This relationship is just an ideological construct designed to repress my class conciousness! Monogamy is an invention of capitalist swine!
-Nietzsche: We are “over, man”.
-Kant: My proposed maxim was to love you. But I could not will to universalize this maxim and have everyone love you, otherwise you’d be cheating on me. Therefore, it is my duty not to love you!
-Logical Positivist: Our love never meant anything–the word “love” has no meaningful content, after all!
Blog #289: in which Claudia tries to deny the fact that she has a psychology test tomorrow
Man, I’m so nervous about my psyche test tomorrow (on VALENTINE’S DAY of all days) that I’m trying not to over-study. Instead, I give you these lists that I found extremely hilarious:
Annoying things to do at college
~if someone near you falls asleep in class, tie their shoelaces to the desk/chair.
~Type every word of a paper in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
~Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.
~Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.
~On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, “I have a paper! I have a paper!”. Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, “There’s my paper!”, then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.
~Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
~When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
~Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn’t. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
~Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is “less filling” or that it “tastes great”. Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosophers” reactions to Spuds McKenzie.
~Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.
Annoying things to do in a public bathroom stall
~Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
~Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 ft. Sigh relaxingly.
~Say, “Now how did that get there?”
~Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
Ways to annoy people on elevators
~Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?”
~Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.
~Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
~Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements
~Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
~Have a seizure.
~Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
~If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, “Bad touch!”
~Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)
~Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
~Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”
~Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
General ways to annoy people
~Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. “I’m Bob, nice to meet you…” “PROVE IT!”)
~Ask people what gender they are.
~At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
~Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word “the.”
~Begin all your sentences with “Ooh la la!”
~Call everyone a communist.
~Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
~Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
~Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
~Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
~Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”
~Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
~Try to fit the word “cornucopia” into every sentence you say.
~Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
~Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, “And then what happened?”
The Second Continental Chatroom
THIS IS WHAT I DO WHEN I’M BORED.
This is my attempt to describe the events (or the night, more accurately) leading up to the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia, as well as the writing of the Declaration of Independence, if the founding fathers had had computers, the internet, and a chatroom or two. Done in an hour.
Note #1: this is about as historically accurate as scientology is a credible theory, so keep that in mind while you read it (although some things that are thrown in there have some historical context). It’s mainly for entertainment.
Note #2: I tried to use “chatroom dialogue” for this thing. So that’s why like every third word is incorrectly spelled and/or an abbreviation.
Okay, that’s all. Enjoy!
The Second Continental Chatroom.
10 founding fathers.
2 chatrooms.
1 hell of a ride.
Here’s the key to the names:
GeorgeW = George Washington
Hancocky = John Hancock
AllAboutTheBenjamins = Benjamin Franklin
Tom = Thomas Jefferson
JMad = James Madison
John1776 = John Adams
Sammy = Samuel Adams
Alex = Alexander Hamilton
Liberty1000 = Patrick Henry
Sensible1 = Thomas Paine
TheKing = King George
>>>>>>>Logging on: Chatroom25<<<<<<<
(AllAboutTheBenjamins signed on)
(GeorgeW signed on)
(Alex signed on)
(Tom signed on)
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Testing, testing…
GeorgeW: hello?
(John1776 signed on)
(Liberty1000 signed on)
(Sammy signed on)
John1776: is it working
Alex: yeah it is
Liberty1000: hi guyzzzzzzzzzzzz
(JMad signed on)
(Sensible1 signed on)
Sammy: awesome invention ben :P
Tom: yeah best so far
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Thanks guys
AllAboutTheBenjamins: I call it the “chatroom”
AllAboutTheBenjamins: I stole the patent from the English :P
John1776: lol
JMad: oh noes!
Sensible1: Haha
Alex: ho hum
Sammy: wat do we do now
(TheKing signed on)
TheKing: Teh King is hear!
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Uh-oh
JMad: its geourge
John1776: lol brit
Tom: hi geourge ;)
TheKing: shut up I don’t hvae a u in my name
Sammy: why r u folowing us around
Sammy: give us space
TheKing: stop running awy from me
TheKing: y arnt we friends anymore
Alex: cuz ur anoying
TheKing: no im not
Tom: yes you are
John1776: u keep telling us wat to do
John1776: and wont leave us alone
John1776: stop it
TheKing: shut up im the best guy youll ever meet
TheKing: im the kign
John1776: yea right
TheKing: >:(
TheKing: no!
TheKing: I am teh king!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Wow, he’s getting annoying.
Alex: k guys lets move 2 a diffrent room
Tom: k
(Alex signed off)
(AllAboutTheBenjamins signed off)
John1776: alrite
(Sensible1 signed off)
(Tom signed off)
(John1776 signed off)
GeorgeW: byebye gourge
(GeorgeW signed off)
(JMad signed off)
(Liberty1000 signed off)
Sammy: :P
TheKing: NO STAY HERE
(Sammy signed off)
TheKing: DAMN
>>>>>>>>Logging on: Chatroom05<<<<<<<<<<
(Alex signed on)
(John1776 signed on)
(AllAboutTheBenjamins signed on)
Alex: this is much better
(JMad signed on)
(Sammy signed on)
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Indeed.
(Sensible1 signed on)
(Tom signed on)
Alex: where’d pat go?
John1776: I dunno we mustve lost him
(GeorgeW signed on)
Alex: omg gorge is so dum
John1776: No kidding lol
GeorgeW: :(
Alex: No not you geogre
Alex: teh other 1
GeorgeW: o okay
John1776: ur teh cool george
GeorgeW: thx <3
JMad: btw did you see aaron today
John1776: lol ya
John1776: those socks where so stupid
JMad: ill give u 10 virginia dollars if u shout burrs a grrl next time u see him
John1776: lol deal
Alex: god i hate him
Alex: i wish i could shoot him
John1776: lol ur so vilent
Alex: hey he deserves it
John1776: youd prolly be the one 2 die, lol
(Liberty1000 signed on)
JMad: hey patrick
JMad: pat pat patty pat patrick patty pat pat pat patrick patricio pat patty fat pat patty patrick pat pat patty pat
Liberty1000: what
JMad: hi :P
John1776: lol
Tom: so ben wat did u do over in france
AllAboutTheBenjamins: The question SHOULD read, “WHO did I do over in France”
Sensible1: :O
GeorgeW: ( . Y . )
Liberty1000: omg u seriussssssssss
AllAboutTheBenjamins: ;)
AllAboutTheBenjamins: You know what I say
AllAboutTheBenjamins: “Girlies in bed and girlies when rise makes life healthy and full of surprise”
John1776: lol
John1776: u mite wanna change that for teh public
AllAboutTheBenjamins: I probably will
AllAboutTheBenjamins: What rhymes with “girlie?”
Tom: surly
Sensible1: Burly
Alex: curley
GeorgeW: early
Liberty1000: twirrly
AllAboutTheBenjamins: “Early” sounds good; I’ll try that
John1776: your so lucky ben i wish i could go to france
John1776: but abby would kill me
Sammy: lol
JMad: *whip crack*
John1776: :( tahts not nice
JMad: sorry
(Hancocky signed on)
Alex: uhoh guys better behave
Alex: hancocks online</span>
John1776: oh crap lol
Hancocky: WTF IS UP GUYZ
Alex: lol hi john
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Hey Johnny
Hancocky: THERES MY MAN
Hancocky: HEY JOHN ADAMS
John1776: lol hey john hancock
Hancocky: TANKS FOR GETTIN THOSE SUGAR ACT GUYZ OFF MY BACK DUDE
John1776: np
Sensible1: hey hancock wanna get a smaller font
Hancocky: NO
Hancocky: I LIKE IT THIS WAY
Sensible1: w/e
Sensible1: Why are you so obnoxious, john?
Hancocky: WTF PAINE
GeorgeW: yea dude
GeorgeW: you think your so hi and mighty just cuz your writing a book
GeorgeW: anyone could do that
Tom: i wish i could write something good :(
JMad: awwww poor t.j.
John1776: u can write good tom
Sammy: we <3 u Thomas
Tom: aw thnx :)
JMad: btw sam what do you have going on in your basement
JMad: ?
Sammy: nothin
JMad: liar
JMad: i kno you have beer lol
Hancocky: OMG WHERE
JMad: Sammys got beer in his basement
Alex: holy crap sam adams beer rocks
GeorgeW: u should pee in a bottle and sent it to geourge
John1776: lol
Alex: i h8 geourge
Alex: >:(
Sammy: me too
AllAboutTheBenjamins: I think we need to lay down the law with him.
Alex: definitely
Hancocky: TOTALLY
Tom: yes
Tom: it becomes nesessary for one people to disolve the political bands which have connected them with another
Tom:and to assume among the powers of the Earth the seperate and equal station to wich the laws of nature & of natures god entitle them
Tom: a decent respect to the opinons of man kind requires that they should declare the causes with impell them to the seperation
Tom: :P
GeorgeW: wow
JMad: dude write that down
Tom: haha, sriously?
Sammy: ya
John1776: do it
Alex: and add more
Tom: k
Hancocky: TOTALLY BASH GEOURGE IN IT TOO
John1776: yea write down all the crap hes done to us
Alex: ^ this
Tom: k what has he done
AllAboutTheBenjamins: He appointed those judges that were completely biased
JMad: those damn brit soldiers everywhere
JMad: can’t get them out of my house
Hancocky: I CAN’T TRADE DAMMIT
John1776: that doesnt stop u
John1776: lol
Alex: Taxes!!
Hancocky: I WAS ON TRIAL BECAUSE I TRIED TO TRADE BUT THERE WAS NO JURY
Sammy: i had to go back to england to go on trail
Sammy: sea sickness and all
Liberty1000: I’m boreed
Liberty1000: somebody talk 2 me
Sammy: l8r
Liberty1000: pleeeeeeeeeeeeeez
Liberty1000: pm me
Sammy: no were busy
Liberty1000: Give me a pm or give me death!!!11
Hancocky: DUDE SHUT UP
Alex: ya seriously u say that about everythign
Liberty1000: I do not
AllAboutTheBenjamins: You said it about my bran muffin the other morning
AllAboutTheBenjamins: I gave it to you too because I thought you were being serious
John1776: lol
Liberty1000: fine then
(Liberty1000 signed off)
Tom: k anyways wat else has he done
Tom: ?
JMad: remember when we all had 2 go to england for that stupid meetign
JMad: that counts
GeorgeW: he keeps overrulling our laws
Tom: k one sec
Tom: allright its done
John1776: tom ur teh 1337
Hancocky: OGM YOU NEED TO SEND THIS TO GEOURGE
Hancocky: WE SHOULD ALL SIGN IT
Hancocky: I CALL FIRST
Sensible1: I dont know why youre all getting excited about what he’s writing
Sensible1: I mean all of its just common sense
JMad: Paine, stfu
John1776: lol paine
John1776: ur all about the common sense crap
Sensible1: Hey its a good idea
Sensible1: Its better then toms stupid thing
Hancocky: DON’T DIS TEH TOM
GeorgeW: seriously
JMad: i say we send paine to give this to geourge
Sammy: second dat
Sensible1: This is ridiculous
(Sensible1 signed off)
John1776: lol
(TheKing signed on)
TheKing: BWAHAHA IM BACK
GeorgeW: oh ****
Tom: haha hi geourge :P
JMad: hey geourge, asl?
TheKing: wtf
JMad: *takes off wig and outer tunic*
John1776: lol
TheKing: u guys r sick
Alex: I <3 YOU GEOURGE!!!
TheKing: ew
Sammy: hey geourge
TheKing: wat
Sammy: ur tea sux
John1776: lol
Hancocky: OMG BURRRN
TheKing: u guys are rediculous
Tom: hey gourge we have something to show you
(>TheKing received Declaration.doc from Tom<)
TheKing: u will all regret this
(TheKing signed off)
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Hooray! He’s gone!
Alex: bring it on king…we got the cool george
GeorgeW: :)
Hancocky: HEY GUYZ WE SHOULD TOTALLY MEET SOMEWHERE AND PLOT SOME MORE
Alex: ya
Sammy: i can brign some beer
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Where should we go?
Alex: theres taht old building in philadelphia
GeorgeW: ok cool
Tom: k
John1776: see u there guys
(John1776 signed off)
(Sammy signed off)
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Alright, I’ll be there
(Tom signed off)
(GeorgeW signed off)
(Alex signed off)
JMad: me too
(AllAboutTheBenjamins signed off)
(JMad signed off)
Hancocky: THIS IS GONNA BE SO COOL
(Hancocky signed off)</font>
(Liberty1000 signed on)
Liberty1000: guyzzzzzzzz
(Sensible1 signed on)
Liberty1000: where did u all go
Sensible1: Hello?
Liberty1000: paine!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Sensible1: Oh god no
(Sensible1 signed off)
Liberty1000: hello
Liberty1000: dangit
(Liberty1000 signed off)
The End…or is it?
MY NEXT PROJECT (in other words, no one else is allowed to do this): chronicle all of U.S. history using the chatroom format. After that, possibly, is the Bible chronicled using chatroom format.
Jokes and…crap
I felt like little bit of a laugh today. I also didn’t feel like writing my own crap. So here ya go!
Q: Good king Wenceslas had a pizza. What kind was it?
A: Deep-pan, crisp and even!
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
One Christmas, group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Dork.
I make the strangest cartoons…
I probably should’ve used a more recognizable state/capital combo, eh?
“Part of your world”
Ahahahaha…I loved this. Sounds like something I’d write. I’m bored, so I’m posting the link here. Deal with it.
How “ninja” am I? I’ll TELL you how “ninja” I am!
There is no hope for the world if somebody (other than myself) comes up with something like this. It’s hilarious, at least to me.
Haha…I’m gonna marry a Mr. Kuntz and name my kid “Max”.
Psychology students do it for experiment credits
These are great…I’m surprised I’ve never found them before (seeing as how I’m ALWAYS on the internet):
Christmas songs for people with psychological disorders
1. SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
3. DEMENTIA – I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas.
4. NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) .
5. MANIA – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town…
6. PARANOIA – Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
7. PERSONALITY DISORDER – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I’ll tell you why.
8. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE – Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell….
9. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY – Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
10. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE – On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
“Quotes”
Ahahahaha! So today in Core class, before class actually started, there were these girls in the back talking about music and stuff, and they got on the subject of the Pussycat Dolls. One of them says something to the effect of, “I don’t see what’s so great about them–it takes like twelve of them to say ‘don’t cha'”. This is the best quote I’ve heard in awhile–made me laugh. Here are a few more:
“You know you’re a good liar if you can pass a pregnancy test and you’re a guy.”
“I’d kick him now that he’s on the ground, but I think that’s kind of overdoing it, seeing how as I’m the one who cut his legs off and made it so that he’d have to use a wheelchair and then pushed him out of the wheelchair.”
“A person can be quizzical. Why can’t they be testicle?” I actually think this was me.
“Have some of my prostitute, I implore you!”
“Bullshitting is an art–it’s a skill. But some things you really shouldn’t B.S. your way through, like med school or the birth canal.” (WTF?)
“Jesus tap-dancing Christ!” I think this was me again.
I should be shot
So here’s another of my tasteless jokes. I don’t know if I’ve ever told any of you any of my tasteless jokes (Besides that prostitute/midget one) but here’s another one I thought up last night:
A father gong (yes, a gong) is approached one day by his daughter.
“Dad?” the teenage gong asks.
“Yes, honey?”
“Um…well…there’s no real easy way to tell you this, but…I think I’m bisexual.”
The father gong erupts into a rage. “WHAT?! BISEXUAL?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOUNG LADY? I THOUGHT YOUR MOTHER AND I RAISED YOU RIGHT!! LEAVE THIS HOUSE IMMEDIATELY!”
The young gong rus from the house, crying.
As the father gong sits frozen with rage, the mother gong comes up beside him.
“I suppose she told you the news about her bisexuality?” the mother asks.
“Yes,” the father replies. “But I’m so angry. How could she do this to me after all I’ve done for her?”
“I know dear, but there’s nothing you can do.”
“You’ve simply got to let bi-gongs be bi-gongs.”
Random crap that made me laugh
Some stuff I found on the internet (the wonderful, glorious internet…) that made me laugh:
HOW TO GET THROWN OUT OF THE CHEMISTRY LAB
~Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”
~Consistently write three atoms of potassium as “KKK”.
~When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”
~Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
NEWEST POPULAR CHILDREN’S BOOK
~The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let’s Go Ride our Bikes!
THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY
~”Checkmate.”
~”I’ll take ‘Shakespeare’ for 100, Alex.”
~”Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?”
~”Give me the small bag of pork rinds.”
~”I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.”
I love that…”Checkmate.”
Hehe.
Ha-ha!
So I found this piece of paper as I was walking on campus today. On the top was written
“Chronology of the 20th Century”. Below was this numbered list. I am not making this up:
1. Cars (not the movie, that’s later)
2. WWI
3. People get depressed
4. Some other stuff happens
5. WWII
6. Dead Presidents (not the band, that’s later)
7. Bush “wins”
8. 9/11
9. Today
10. Nuclear war/Bush assassinated (sometime late 2009)
I’m hoping this person was being funny when they wrote this. It looked like legitimate college-aged handwriting, so it can’t be from, say, a fourth-grader.
I weep for the future, especially if I’m in it. And especially if the latter part of item number 10 doesn’t occur.
Twice the flavor with half the Jihad!
Thanks to the brilliance of Geocities, I can now bring you this!
Cucumbers?!
Short little blog just for E’raina and Amy today!
My dad had a cucumber on the table upstairs.
…
Hehehe…
Eigenblogger 