Top 20 blogs
Why hello again! In keeping with my little set up, today I will give you all a list of my top 20 blogs.
Rules in place:
1. They must be funny.
2. They must be something I wrote, not just copied and pasted on a day I was lazy.
3. Yeah, that’s about it.
So here are my top 20 blogs:
1. The Second Continental Chatroom
I was on it when I came up with this. What the birth of the Declaration of Independence would have been like if the Founding Fathers would have had access to the internet and chatrooms.
2. If You’re Ever Going to Worry about My Mental State, I Think Now Would Be the Time to Start!
“Seuss on the Loose.” Best poem ever. Apologies to Dr. Seuss and to all insulted within the poem.
Warning: dirty
3. Looking for the Best Font for You? I Got the Answer Right Here for the Low, Low Price of $19.99!
I analyze the personalities of people based on the fonts they use (I think I analyze seven, but I’m too lazy to count). Note: some of the fonts won’t show up on your computer; use your imagination!
4. Waiter! There’s a Hippo in my Taco Grande!
Ah, the infamous rant against pants. I was bored that night. And insane.
5. Waiter! There’s a Quadriplegic in my Jazzercise Class!
A bunch of random letters addressed to a bunch of random people. Includes a personal letter to Jack London!
6. Do Me Like a Crossword Puzzle!
I discuss my hypothermia in a very strange manner. Hilarity ensues. Poor Watson.
7. What’s in a Name? A Whole Lotta Crap in 2006, Apparently…
I rant on the top ten boy’s names of 2006, despite the fact that all but the first one are perfectly fine names. Haha. Poor “Noah.”
8. E’raina Gets It!
Man, I don’t know what I was on when I wrote this bad boy. But it’s amusing, in a twisted, stupid, dorky sort of way.
9. I Like my Weather Hot and my Women Seasonably Warm
Witty observations about my day.
Warning: not very witty.
10. The Ranking of the Presidents
Why do I rank everything? Seriously. Like 50% of my blogs involve ranking, while another 50% involve lists. The other 10% involve other random crap. And yes, I know that’s more than 100%.
11. Claudia’s Review of the Smilies
The poor smilies get it. Some of them more than others.
12. Tax Deduction! Tax Deduction! Tax Deduction!
I list some quotes of mine. Many involve Maggie over MSN Messenger. Many of them involve no humor whatsoever.
13. Incompetent People Suck
Ah, my early blogging days. This was rather serious at the time (I was rather pissed off) but it’s pretty funny looking back on it now. Plus that little chat conversation is pretty funny, too.
14. Claudia’s 100th Blog Post!
I don’t know why this one amuses me, but it does. I think it’s because it’s rather random.
15. Claudia Can’t Think of a Good Blog: The Blog
Man, this one’s dirty and it’s not even (entirely) my fault. Pretty funny.
16. You Cannot Be What You are Not. It is the Simple Truth of Man.
Yeah, I’m stretching a bit here, but there is a bit of humor in this one. Plus, it’s informative. At least one of these blogs has to have a purpose!
17. Fun with the Periodic Table
Oh dear, I remember this one. I use the initials of my friends and compare them to the elements on the Periodic Table that they correspond to. Odd.
18. Jimmy Crack Corn One More Time and I’m Referring Him to a Specialist
I diss iTunes’ grammar. Then I realize I made a mistake. I done bad.
19. From “Aquarius” to “Virgo,” No One is Safe!
Mediocre in some, pretty amusing in others. The zodiac gets it.
20. Okay, Last Time, I Swear!
My third conversation with Santabot.com. What fun these were.
Top 20 blog titles
Well, it being a year since I started blogging, I decided that today and tomorrow (at least) would be dedicated to reminiscing over the insanity. Today, I shall present you with the top 20 blog titles. Tomorrow shall be the top 20 blogs.
Yes, I’ve done this before, but that was nearly 5 months ago and the lists were only 10 items long then. Things must expand with time!
Top 20 blog titles:
1. Jimmy crack corn one more time and I’m referring him to a specialist
2. I think it was Socrates who said, “Hello! My name is Socrates!”
3. Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Hobos
4. Put that in your hickory-smoked sausage and exploit it!
5. This just in: geophagists across the globe are biting the dust!
6. If a tree falls in the forest, can we still have sex later?
7. Mother Teresa called…she HATES you!
8. Maxed out! No limits! Reaching for the horizon! Putting silly putty on the radiator!
9. The masses never triumph! It is all an illusion, like those stupid “magic eye” things!
10. Time travel? Travel time! Speak coherently, Yoda does.
11. Claudia can’t think of a good blog: the blog
12. How long can these subject headings be, anyway? I mean can you just ramble on and on and oh here it is
13. Aaaargh! Real lobsters!
14. When judgment day arrives, Atheists won’t have a prayer!
15. U of I: the FEMA of universities
16. I heart Descartes
17. Memory is like the sun: if it disappears, it’ll take you approximately eight minutes to notice.
18. Do me like a crossword puzzle!
19. Why limit friendship by naming a SQUARE after it? Why is there no friendship CUBE, huh?
20. E=MC Hammer
The “Waiter” series
1. Waiter! There’s a hippo in my taco grande!
2. Waiter! There’s a Freudian in my Id!
3. Waiter! There’s a Creationist in my Primordial Soup!
4. Waiter! There’s a(n) [insert item/person] in my [insert thing that makes it sound witty]
5. Waiter! There’s some Voltaire in my English book! (what’re the odds of that?!)
6. Waiter! There’s a quadriplegic in my Jazzercise class!
7. Cephalopod! There’s a soup in my waiter!
8. Waiter! There’s an…aw, screw it, can I just get some pasta?
1 year anniversary!
(I am rather pissed at MySpace, considering I couldn’t post this until Thursday night. Gr.)
Hello faithful readers! Right this moment I am typing my 366th blog, meaning that I have been on MySpace for an entire year now! Wee!
I’m a happy camper.
This week will be filled with pointless celebrations, pointless random tangents, and even more pointless lists. But hey, what else is new?
Anyway, here are the 1 year stats:
Page views: 1,280
Blog views: 3,884
Blogs: 365
Comments: 104
Kudos: 4
How insane is that?!
Anyway, thanks for reading guys. You help me make sure that all these rants and random expressions of…well…”strangeness” don’t go entirely overlooked.
Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Hobos
I got this little message tonight at 6:25 from Nick on Messenger:
It’s a blasé day says: if you could be an historical figure—any historical figure from any time in history—who would you be?
This, of course, was a forefront thought in my mind all night (well, one of many). After several hours of careful deliberation, I present to you my top 10 list of historical figures I would like to have been in the past (most desirable listed first):
1. François-Marie Arouet (Voltaire)
Voltaire rocked. This guy was a freaking awesome writer with an incredible wit and ability to dodge censorship and confuse and insult his enemies. And I don’t care what you say—Candide was an awesome book. Overall, an extremely smart man and an awesome writer. I would love to have been Voltaire.
“I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”
2. Sigmund Freud
Ah, yes. The father of talk therapy and psychoanalysis. Despite the controversy (or should I say the overwhelming popular opinion) that his theories were wrong, I strongly support Freud’s basic ideas and the idea of actually talking about problems to figure them out. I’ve also rather enjoyed his id/ego/superego construct for some time. Plus, after slogging through the 700-page “Interpretation of Dreams,” I have newfound respect for this man based solely on how long he can ramble.
“From error to error, one discovers the entire truth.”
3. William Shakespeare
Would have possibly been number one or two if it weren’t for the fact that he didn’t really come up with the ideas for his plays but rather adapted them from already existing stories. Not the biggest crime, of course, but still…knocks the Bard down a few pegs on my list. Still, though, I wouldn’t mind being considered the creator of such plays as “Hamlet” or “Much Ado About Nothing.”
“Be great in act, as you have been in thought.”
4. Thomas Jefferson
The author of the Declaration of Independence. What more needs to be said? Yes, yes, there was the whole hypocrisy thing with the slaves, but aren’t we all hypocrites in one way or another? This guy just happened to have his more publicized. Wouldn’t it rock to have authored the freaking Declaration of Independence? I think so, yes.
“I cannot live without books.”
5. Jean-Jacques Rousseau
A kind of counter-player to Voltaire, Rousseau wrote “Confessions” and basically started the Romanticism movement. How cool is that? And it talks about sex! And peeing! Back in the 1700’s! Scandalous! Also, he does a lot of work with political philosophy. If you can’t be Voltaire, you can be the guy he was pen-pals with.
“Man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains.”
6. Benjamin Franklin
Probably the horniest historical figure America has seen (Clinton aside, haha). Also, he was pretty much a renaissance man. What didn’t he do? Who didn’t he do? Franklin owns.
“Hide not your talents, they for use were made. What’s a sun-dial in the shade?”
7. F. Scott Fitzgerald
I love Fitzgerald and everything he’s written (at least, everything I’ve read that he’s written). His characters are really, really, awesome. I’ve done at least five biographies on Fitzgerald over the years, and all I can say is the guy is pretty damn incredible. All bow to the Fitzgerald!
“Sometimes it is harder to deprive oneself of a pain than of a pleasure.”
8. Albert Einstein
Good old Einstein. Would have been higher except I cannot fathom myself going, “Oh yeah, here’s the mathematical answer for mass-energy equivalence!” In fact, I can’t see myself coming up with the mathematical answer for anything, except maybe a bunch of fake proofs I came up with in 9th grade during math. Where was I?
“The important thing is to not stop questioning.”
9. Socrates
Okay. One, he was a philosopher. Two, he got executed for his philosophy. Three, his name is “Socrates.” The whole Socratic method thing? Awesome. An ‘A’ for you, Socrates!
“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
10. Aristotle
Wrapping up the list is Aristotle, the guy famous for saying, “if you get me mixed up with Socrates, I’ll beat you over the head with this Greek newspaper.” I don’t really have much to say here; another seemingly renaissance-type.
“Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.”
The masses never triumph! It is all an illusion, like those stupid “magic eye” things!
Life’s a funny thing, isn’t it? One day things are hell, the next everything seems to fall nicely into place. It’s frustrating, yet utterly delightful and intriguing.
Well anyway…
I decided today to take this one little personality test that I’d taken waaay back on September 27th of last year. I wanted to see how things have changed. What do you think?
Hmm…I’m more self-absorbed now, though I’m not really sure how that happened…if anything, I’d say the opposite occurred.
Sexuality and Peter Pan complex bit the dust…physical security is up, but I don’t know why…
Interesting. Overall, it’s proof that I don’t change much. If I would have done this back in second grade, I bet the similarity would still be there.
Oh god, what’ve I done now?
(It came to my attention that I should add an explanation, so here it is: um, I was bored. It’s a short piece of crap. Copyright Claudia Mahler, 2007)
On Sunday, Andy was going to be hanged. As soon as I learned of this I felt obligated to go visit him, so after work on Friday I went to the city jail where they were holding him. It was the first time I’d ever been in the city jail. There were not many windows, but there were just enough so that the light from the summer sun blazed through and made hot rectangles of light every few feet on the hallway floor. There were only five cells and the warden’s office, and when I entered the first thing I saw was Andy. He was sitting alone in the cell facing me. His eyes brightened when he saw me and he stood.
“Hey Davey,” he said to me. He was smiling and his bright white teeth shone in a patch of light blaring through the warden’s office window.
“Hey, man,” I said. “What’d you do?”
“Ah, it was nothing.” He pointed past my right shoulder. “Gotta go see him before you visit me.” I followed the direction of his finger to the warden’s office, where I was met by a stern looking midget of a man, who proceeded to ask for my identification and my relation to Andy.
“I’m just a friend,” I said. I watched him grab his ring of keys from his desk. “What’d he do?”
The warden stopped searching for the key and looked at me for a second. “Didn’t you hear?” he said. I shook my head. “They caught him reading.” He found the key, stood, and guided me to Andy’s cell. Andy smiled again and moved over on the bench he was sitting on. I sat beside him as the warden closed the cell door and returned to his work. We sat there, looking at each other.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey.” He looked the same as he’d had a few months ago when I’d last seen him.
“Would you like a cigarette?” I asked.
“Sure.”
“No smoking in here,” the warden said, looking up and seeing me handing a cigarette to Andy.
“Come on, man,” Andy said, flashing his white teeth at the warden. “I’m gonna be dead in two days.”
The warden glanced at him and then at me. “Alright. Just one,” he said, returning to his work. Andy took the cigarette and I lit it for him. He took a long drag, then leaned back against the concrete wall. We stayed silent for a minute.
“You…you were reading?” I asked at last.
“Oh, man…” he smiled, shaking his head. “They finally caught me.”
“At home?”
“Naw,” he said. He took another drag. “To a bunch of kids.”
“What the hell?” I stared at him.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
“You know that’s illegal, Andy—”
“Ah, it’s that stupid ban they got in place. It’s been around way too long.”
“You should have known—”
“Hey, I knew. Why shouldn’t kids get to read? I got to read, you got to read, nothing’s wrong with us.” I remained staring at him, and he proceeded to tell me what had happened. He had been out on Wednesday alone by the river with a book. Some kids had come along from the local high school and noticed him. Not knowing what the book was they had asked him about it, and Andy, being Andy, told them nothing but instead began to read to them.
“Why didn’t you just put it away?” I asked him.
“They’d already seen it,” he replied. “So I figured, why not, and flipped back to the beginning and read them the first page.” He laughed, his teeth showing. “We were to page fifty before those cops caught us.” Two men doing their daily rounds had come across Andy and his little reading group. Immediately they snatched the book from his hands and took him into custody.
“The kids went to therapy,” he said. “Can you believe that? For a damn book. And I went here. They asked me where I’d gotten the book, and I told them I owned it. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I told them that this wasn’t the only book I had.” He laughed again. “Right there, that was about four violations of the ban.”
Andy was held in custody for the evening, as the mayor was informed of the atrocities that had occurred and that a member of the state had violated the fiction ban. The governor then heard, and then the state Supreme Court, and it was decided that afternoon without a trial what Andy’s fate would be.
“Well, what the hell’d you do it for?” I remained staring at Andy, despite that the whole incident seemed rather typical of him.
“I don’t know.” His cigarette had gone out; he dropped it at his feet. I picked at my fingernails.
“It was in their eyes, man,” he said after a minute. He looked me. “It was like they were hypnotized or something. Every word…it was like they had to keep listening…they had to know what happened next. You know that look?”
“Yeah.”
“Danny had had that look in his eyes when I first read to him. He was a year old.” He laughed. “He didn’t know what the hell I was doing, but he wanted me to keep going anyway.” He paused again. “Those kids had that same look. First time they’d been read to.”
“Jesus.” I leaned my back against the cool concrete wall, trying to imagine what it would feel like to be fifteen and never read to. “What book were you reading to them?”
“The Great Gatsby. Ever read it?”
“Man, years ago. Eighth grade or something.”
“Yeah. Everybody did back then.” He paused. “Danny never got to. The ban hit just as he was going into preschool. All he got to was The Cat in the Hat, and the schools beat that out of his mind so fast that he doesn’t even remember reading it.”
was quiet. I thought of Greg. He had never been read to. “I take it they found the rest of the books.”
“Yeah. Bastards burned them, too. I probably had the last copy of The Great Gatsby in the state.”
“What does Beth think?”
“I don’t think she thinks,” he said. “She’s too mad to think.” I smiled a little. I could imagine Beth at home totally losing it, slamming the phone down and flushing her wedding ring down the toilet.
“She hasn’t talked to me since I called her on Thursday to tell her I was going to be hanged.”
“Danny?”
“Beth won’t let him see me. You’re the only one who’s visited.” He smiled. “I hope I get a bigger turnout on Sunday.”
“Maybe something’ll happen and you’ll get off.”
“Eh, I doubt it.”
“I heard,” I said, “that out east they’re stopping these things.”
Andy snorted. “Just like the east,” he said. “They make these radical new rules then abandon them just when the west gets serious about them.”
“The news said there’ll be a group of protesters from Massachusetts here on Sunday. They heard about you and are coming to do something about it.”
They’d better make some damn compelling arguments,” Andy said, smiling again. “I’ll have the noose around my neck at that point.” I looked at him. He seemed calm about the whole thing, almost tired.
“Are you scared?” I asked him. He shrugged.
“Nah. I’ll get off. If I don’t, well, I died for a noble cause, right?”
I stared at him a moment longer but could see no fear in his face. I glanced at my watch and noticed it was getting late.
“I’ll visit you tomorrow morning, early,” I said, standing up and signaling the warden.
“You’d better,” Andy replied, smiling. “And bring the cigarettes with you.”
“I will.” I smiled back. The warden clanked open the cell door and I went out the way I came in.
“See you tomorrow,” I said, giving him a wave. Andy, with a bright smile, gave me a little salute.
I got home at seven. Annie was in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner. Greg was sitting in the highchair at the table.
“Hey Greggy,” I said. I lifted him up and tucked him into my hip as I went to kiss Annie.
“Where’ve you been?” she asked me.
“I went to see Andy,” I said, bouncing Greg up and down.
“What’s he in for?” Annie had heard me talk about it that morning.
“Reading.”
She stopped what she was doing. “Reading?” she asked. “Seriously?”
“They caught him down by the river. He was reading Fitzgerald to a bunch of kids. Doesn’t that sound just like him?” She didn’t say anything. “I’m going to visit him again tomorrow. Beth won’t go and see him.”
“You’re going to see him again?” she asked.
“Sure. Why not?”
She shrugged. “They caught him reading,” she said. “What are they going to do with him?”
“What do you think? They’re going to hang him.”
“When?”
“Sunday.”
She said no more, and for the rest of the night she was rather quiet. This was not unusual, and I thought nothing of it. I went about my usual evening activities, and slid into bed around ten.
The next morning I awoke to find Annie lying next to me, staring up at the ceiling. I moved my hand to touch her hair, but she turned and laid with her back to me. I put my arm around her waist. She took it and flung it off.
“What’s the deal?” I asked.
“It could have been you they caught instead of Andy, you know that?” There was a slight quiver in her voice. “I’ve been thinking about it all night. They could have been doing their rounds and come in here and caught you reading Shakespeare on the couch.”
I laughed. “I’m not that stupid, Annie,” I said “And I’m not Andy. I don’t go around reading to kids in broad daylight.”
“I don’t like you going to see him,” she said, still facing away from me. “It makes you look suspicious.”
“Ah, they don’t care.”
“They’ll be checking us out more often. What if they catch you reading to Greg one day? I know you do it.”
“You do it, too.”
“I don’t keep old volumes of poetry in the basement behind the wine. What if they find that one day?”
“They’re not going to look there.”
“I don’t want you to visit Andy,” she said again.
“What he did was right,” I said.
“He broke the law.”
“The law is wrong. And we both break it all the time.”
“I don’t want you to go visit him,” she said again.
“No one else will,” I said, a feeling of annoyance building in my gut. I got out of bed and began searching for clothes. “Beth won’t even talk to him.”
“She’s smart,” Annie said. Her voice got a little louder as she sensed my anger. “She’s keeping away from him. I don’t see why you’re thinking of him and not your own family.”
“Yeah, well I think it’s wrong that they’re not even talking to him over the phone,” I said, bending over and tying my shoelaces. “I’m going to see him,” I stood up and went to leave. “Whether you let me or not.”
“You have a son, Dave,” she shouted as I exited the room. “Think of your son!” I descended the stairs and left through the front door, allowing the screen door to slam on my way out.
I walked briskly down the street. She didn’t know Andy like I did. I had every right to visit him. I stalked down the streets without paying much thought to anything around me until I realized that I was walking down Andy’s street. I turned to look at his house and there was Beth, taking in the laundry from the line that stood in their front yard. I called to her. She shielded her eyes in the bright sunlight, recognized it was me, and waited in the doorway as I climbed the stairs of the front porch.
“Hey Beth,” I said.
Hey Dave.” She smiled slightly. Her eyes looked tired. I could hear Danny playing the piano inside. “Where are you off to?”
“I’m just going to visit Andy,” I said.
The smile disappeared. “Don’t talk to me about him,” she said flatly. She turned to go back into the house.
“Why?” I asked. She didn’t answer. “Beth, he—”
“He’s selfish,” she said, stopping and turning back to me. “That’s what it is. That’s what it’s always been about, not the books. Did he ever stop to think of me during this whole thing? Or Danny?” Her eyes were set on my face, as if I could tell her.
“I don’t know,” I said. “He just told me you weren’t talking to him.”
She stared at me for a moment. “Why should we,” she finally said, “get dragged into this? I told him over and over, every time he went out to read by that tree, that someday someone would catch him and then I’d be all alone. And Danny’d be without his father. Do you think he listened?”
Think of your son.” Annie’s words sprung back into my head. I felt sick to my stomach all of a sudden, and leaned against the molding of the door.
Beth continued. “Every day when he went out there I almost expected the call from the police, saying that they’d caught him. Thursday I picked up the phone and what did I hear? ‘Hey babe, I’m in jail. They’re gonna kill me on Sunday.’ Do you think, after that, that I have an obligation to go visit him?”
“No,” I said quietly.
“He expects us to watch the hanging. I told him there’s no way in hell I’m going up there to watch him die, and there’s even less chance of me letting Danny go up there.” I was quiet.
“Dave,” Beth said. I looked at her. “Why are you going up there?”
I didn’t know. I shrugged my shoulders. Beth smiled slightly again and put her hand on my shoulder.
“Tell him I—” she stopped herself. “Take care,” she said instead, and went inside the house. After a moment, I left the front porch and continued walking.
The closer I got to the jail the worse I felt. The argument I’d had with Annie put me in a sour mood, and the conversation with Beth had made it worse. I didn’t want to go see Andy anymore. I went anyway, though, but with a tickle of anger in my throat that I was unaware of until I saw him. When I entered the jail he was sitting on the bench, his white teeth shining at me through his smiling mouth. He had been expecting me. “Long time no see,” he said. I wanted to slap him. The warden opened the cell and I entered, sitting slightly further away from him on the bench. I avoided looking at him until he scooted closer to me.
“I thought you weren’t gonna show,” he said.
“Well, I’m here now.” I focused my attention on the bars in front of me.
“I was bored. All a guy can do is think in a place like this, and let me tell you—there’s not much to think about.” he paused. I could feel him smiling. “Except dying. Hey, can I have one of your cigs?”
“I forgot them.”
“Then go back and get ’em,” he said, still smiling. “I’ve only got a few more days; I want all the cigarettes I get. I’m on my death bed, here.”
“Look, will you stop joking about it, please?” The words came out louder and angrier than I had thought they would.
The smile on Andy’s face died away. “What’s your problem?”
“You’re gonna die tomorrow, man,” I said. “They’re gonna hang you. Don’t you care?”
He shrugged. “I don’t think I did anything wrong. If they kill me, they kill me.”
“What about the rest of us, then,” I said, my voice growing louder. “How do you think I feel, watching all this happen? I’ve known you since kindergarten, man.”
“I know.”
“How do you think Beth feels?”
“She abandoned me.”
“No, she just can’t come up and see you because if she does, she’s putting Danny at risk. I talked to her today.”
“Why?” He suddenly got defensive.
“I just passed the house, dude, relax. She said that you never thought about her or Danny.” I stopped. He said nothing. “You never thought about me, either.”
“I just did what I thought was right,” Andy said. I couldn’t tell if he was ashamed or angry. “It doesn’t matter what happens to me. It’s the bigger idea that I’m worried about, not me. I think that’s what’s more important—”
“Fine,” I said. I was sick of listening to him. I stood up and signaled to the warden to let me out of the cell. “If you don’t give a crap about yourself, then neither do I.” The warden opened the cell door and I pushed past him without a second glance at Andy.
I stayed at home and watched television the rest of the day, trying to keep my mind off of Andy, but every few minutes his bright teeth flashed in my mind and I found myself back at the cell with him. It was guilt.
Finally that night it got to the point where I couldn’t take it any longer. I told Annie I was going to the bar and walked the long way, avoiding Andy’s house, to the city jail.
The jail had an eerie quietness about it—different than when I went to visit Andy during the day. When I entered Andy was sitting facing the corner of the cell. He didn’t hear me enter. The same warden was there; he recognized me and stood to let me in to the cell. The door banged open and Andy was woken from his trance with the wall. He turned and looked at me, saying nothing.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey.” His eyes followed me as I walked toward the bench and sat next to him. He remained quiet, and so did I. I reached automatically for a pair of cigarettes, but then realized that I’d forgotten to put the pack in my pocket when I had gone home.
“Still no cigarettes?” He asked.
Nope.” He didn’t say anything. “Look,” I said finally, not turning to him but keeping my eyes on the floor. “I’m sorry I got angry with you. It’s just…it was a stupid thing to do, reading to those kids.”
“I did it for a cause—”
“I know, man. I know. But it was stupid.”
“It wasn’t stupid,” he said. “It was…it was against the law, but it was important. I know why people are avoiding me and I don’t blame them.” He looked down at his hands and shrugged his shoulders. “It’d just be nice to have somebody on my side with me at the end, that’s all.”
It grew quiet again. The cells around us were empty and the warden, confident that I had not come to break Andy out, had left us to go work in another room. Andy sat next to me on the bench, resting forward with his elbows on his knees and his fingers laced in front of him. I sat with my arms crossed, unsure of whether or not to speak. If I had remembered the cigarettes it would have been a lot less awkward, but I hadn’t, so we remained where we were, sitting quietly without words.
The pale light of the moon shone through the warden’s office window and fell on us as thick columns, broken up by the bars of the cell. A bar of darkness rose up my left thigh and arm, another bisected my right shoulder. Andy sat near the corner in almost total darkness, the left of his body palely illuminated.
“So are you going tomorrow?” The sound of his voice was out of place and almost surreal.
Why wouldn’t I go?”
“I don’t know. Beth’s not going. Neither are the boys.”
“Why?”
He shrugged. “Danny has Sunday school. Beth…well, she’s Beth.”
“Sorry, dude.”
He shrugged again and began playing with his fingers. I looked away, feeling like I was making him uncomfortable. A spider crawling across the floor of the jail caught my attention. Out of want of something to alleviate the awkwardness, I focused on it. As I watched its slender legs throwing even slenderer shadows in front of it I allowed my mind to wander. To what, I wasn’t sure, but I was momentarily unaware of Andy sitting next to me.
Vaguely I heard the ringing of the clock in the town square, signifying 11:00. As the eleventh bell rang I became aware of another, softer sound, like the sound of a rabbit breathing. I caught out of the corner of my eye Andy’s head sink down into his hands and it took me a moment to put two and two together and realize that he was crying. I sat there a moment, unsure over what to do. The last time I’d seen him cry was back in fourth grade. Then quietly, gently, I took him, guided him with my hands towards me and rested his head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around him the way I would my son.
There we sat, with the light from the window growing ever softer, for hours, as Andy cried. Into the night I held him, feeling his shoulders shake and his hot breath on my back, until finally the soft sobbing diminished into rhythmic breathing and his head grew heavy on my shoulder. I held him for a moment longer, then with my hands supporting him lifted him from my shoulder and lowered him to a supine position on the bench where we sat.
I signaled to the warden, who had returned to his office sometime during the night, and he stood and walked over to the cell. Noiselessly he opened the cell door, and I exited swiftly without a word. Numbly, in silence, I walked down the hallway and out into the dark street.
The clock on the microwave read 3:53 when I got home. Quietly in the stale darkness I ascended the stairs, passed Greg’s room, from which the sounds of his gentle breathing was heard, and pushed open the bedroom door. Annie was asleep. Without a sound I removed my shoes and slipped into bed, clothes and all. I thought of Andy, briefly, with his white teeth showing, and then fell into a restful and uneventful sleep.
The next morning I awoke at seven. The incident last night had not left me, but it was pushed back into my mind from the haze of sleep. I rolled out of bed slowly, trying not to wake Annie, feeling hot already. The clothes from yesterday would suffice for today as well, so I put on a pair of sandals and left the house to go to the town square. I could feel the heat of the day already beginning to build.
Nobody was awake yet. It was a Sunday. The only sound came from my sandaled feet crunching over the rocks on the sidewalk. Our house was a few blocks from the city square; I tried taking my time getting there, but for some reason or another my feet wouldn’t slow and I reached the square faster than I had planned. I was aware of a tickling of nervousness in my gut that brought me back to the test-taking days of school.
No one was in the square; the only thing in sight was the raised platform and for a second I thought of tearing the whole apparatus down so that the procedure would have to be delayed, but at that moment a man wearing black walked out from behind the platform and I abandoned the idea.
“Came to watch the hangin’?” he asked, a broom in his hand.
“Yeah.” The man proceeded to sweep the stairs to the platform. He was not local; no one in our town knew how to go about hanging people. A violation of the fiction ban was the only case in which hanging was used, and the last time a violation had occurred was three years ago when a traveling salesman bearing self-help books had wandered into town.
“You’re here awful early,” he remarked, pausing to look at me.
“The guy was—is—a friend of mine.” Immediately he lowered his head and resumed sweeping, perhaps out of sympathy but more likely out of fear that he would be recognized conversing with the friend of a reader.
He was right, though, I had gotten here early. My eagerness was not justifiable—Andy was not here and would not be here for hours, and there certainly wasn’t anything I could do to save him at this point. Realizing this, but realizing also that I could not just go back home and return several hours later, I asked the man if there was any place to sit. He produced a foldout chair for me, and on it I sat to wait it out.
Before the first of the spectators arrived, the man in black had swept the platform clean and had, together with a policeman, test-run the procedure with a sandbag equal to Andy’s weight twice and had deemed the rope worthy. They had also discussed how they should angle the platform so that the spectators would not have the sun in their eyes and had adjusted it accordingly.
The first family arrived at ten. They lived next to Andy and their son was with them, hanging on his mother’s skirt and asking if this would take long. They looked at me and me at them, but upon seeing me looking back they immediately averted their eyes and guided their son to the opposite side of the platform. Soon people were coming in groups. For as hot as it was, the square was filling up rapidly with people coming out of their homes to witness the first hanging in three years.
The man in black came up to me and requested the chair back; the mayor had arrived and he was looking for a place to sit. I gave up the chair and stood with the rest of the crowd. By ten thirty, the square was filled.
The pressure of the late morning heat was pushing on us from all directions. The crowd, glistening under the sun, remained sluggish despite the spectacle they were about to witness. Occasionally people swayed towards each other to talk or staggered apathetically from one side of the platform to the other, without any reason other than to try to break the pressure of the heat.
The kids in the crowd clung lazily to their mothers’ pant-legs, trying to keep themselves from melting into the ground.
As people began to chat among themselves, the tickling nervousness in my stomach grew into a quiver, which then, as the hour approached, rose to a churning, biting ball of nausea. If it hadn’t been so sweltering hot I would have broken into a jog to keep the nervousness at bay, but since it was, I remained in my place, shifting my weight from one foot to the other, hoping that the time would approach soon.
And it did. Eleven o’ clock finally rolled around and as soon as the bells began to sound in the square, the sound of a vehicle could be heard coming from the west. The crowd immediately began to buzz. A cop car appeared, reflecting the white light of the sun, and came to a stop at the edge of the platform. Out of the driver’s and passenger’s sides emerged two cops. They moved to the back of the car and produced Andy, who had been handcuffed and dressed in white apparel that was almost blinding in the sun. He looked perfectly calm.
“Hey!” I shouted in his direction. He picked up the sound of my voice and his eyes darted around until he found me and gave me a smile. “What’s up, dude?” He shouted back. There was no fear in his voice.
“Not much,” I yelled. “You?”
I saw him shrug. “Same old thing!”
They made their way to the platform through the boisterous crowd. Some were yelling, others were laughing. Andy remained smiling through it all, his teeth whiter than the clothes he was wearing. From where I stood I couldn’t see his eyes, but his smile said it all.
They were on the platform now, and Andy was looking out into the crowd. The man in black came up behind Andy with a piece of cloth. Andy remained smiling as the cloth was looped around his eyes and tied in back. The crowd shouted even louder, and for a moment Andy swayed on the platform.
“Stay cool, Andy,” I said to him over the crowd.
“I’m cool, man.”
“Do you want a cigarette? They said you could have a cigarette if you wanted it.”
“Naw, I’m cool.”
At this point the crowd began to get antsy. The policemen left their positions and went out into the crowd, trying to calm the excitement, leaving only Andy and the man in black on the platform. Andy made no move to escape.
A news truck had pulled up and three men were busy setting up equipment. Andy would be getting news coverage. As the camera crew set up, a reporter, dressed rather unfittingly for the weather in a white suit, bustled through the hot crowd and singled me out. He shoved a pen and paper into my face, as if the words I would say would fall directly on the paper and spare him the energy of writing.
“What do you think of all this, son?” His voice was loud but muffled by the heat.
“I don’t know,” I said, shielding my eyes from the glare coming off of the reporter’s sunglasses.
“Do you feel like this is the right way to go about a situation like this?”
“There could be better ways.” He looked down scribbled something on his pad of paper, momentarily alleviating me of the glare from his sunglasses, but then looked back up to request another answer.
“Do you have sympathy for the man up there?”
“Which one?” I stared at him. The reporter gave me a look of reproach, as if I had ruined an entire day’s worth of journalistic effort. He realized he wouldn’t get another answer from me, so he sped off in a different direction, seeking out another victim.
A man wearing a white armband wove his way through the crowd and stood in front of me, blocking my view of the platform. I cleared my throat behind him and he moved on. After awhile I noticed a group of men wearing these same armbands making a round that snaked through the crowd and past me. I stopped one of them.
“Are you guys from Massachusetts?”
“Yes,” he said, not paying me much mind but instead focusing on where his companions were in the crowd.
“Why are you protesting?”
This time he glanced at me. “What’s not to protest? Don’t you think this is wrong?”
“Yeah,” I said, “but I think it’s a little late to start protesting.”
He gave me the once-over, then looked away again. “There are a bunch of us back east. We’ve stopped hangings in our state and have almost stopped them in Vermont.”
“Sounds like you’re big back there.”
“We are. We’ve saved hundreds of lives. We can change things out here, too. It’s not too late.”
“It is for Andy,” I said.
“Who’s Andy?”
I stared at him. He looked at me again out of the corner of my eye, dropped his gaze, and then moved on, his banded arm raised to signal one of his companions.
The two policemen had returned to their positions on the platform, flanking Andy. The man in black lifted the noose. The crowd followed his hands. The man in black widened the loop so that it would fit, and then and lowered it around Andy’s neck like he was medaling him for the Olympics. Wear it proud, Andy, I thought. Then I laughed and shouted, “Wear it proud, man!”
“It’s all cool.” Andy had not moved and remained smiling. The man in black made his way from behind Andy to beside him and stood in position.
“Andrew Henry,” he said, addressing more the crowd than Andy himself. “For your violation of the fiction ban and the subsequent corruption the minds of seven children, you are to be put to death. We are obliged to grant you your last words.” He paused for a moment, then turned to Andy. “What have you got to say, anything?”
This was it, I thought, Andy’s last chance. I was expecting him to say something that would get him off—something that would save him. Andy was quiet. For the first time all day, a breeze swept through the square and for a moment the crowd forgot about Andy and bathed in the cool air. The breeze caught the ends of the cloth around his eyes. For a minute I thought it would blow off on Andy would be able to look out at us, but then it died down and with it rushed all the sound from the square. The crowd focused its attention back on Andy with agitated anticipation—they wanted him to say something so they could go back to their air-conditioning.
Finally, Andy spoke. “You know what two authors I always got mixed up?” he said after a moment. His teeth flashed in the sun, and his voice was a break in the pressure of the silence. “Melville and Hemingway. Seems impossible, don’t it? They’re two completely different authors with two completely different styles. I guess it was the whole sea-themed business. Still, though…” He laughed. “Melville and Hemingway. Melville and Hemingway. Melville and Hem—” The boards slipped from under him and he dropped, the rope pulling taut around his neck, cutting off his sentence.
Aaaargh! Real Lobsters!
So lately I’ve been hearing a lot of comments/discussions about shyness. This is not a bad thing; I just think people would benefit from understanding some things about people who are really rather shy and inhibited in social situations. Like me (believe it or not, I don’t much care for social situations, mainly because I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do to interact “correctly”).
So here we go! An exposé on shyness.
1. Small talk
I’m not a big fan of people who automatically assume that people who make small talk are “stupid” or “superficial.” I do not think this is necessarily the case, especially when shy people are involved. I made this point in my psych class a few days ago: maybe shier people have grown accustomed to making small talk in order to fill the awkward silences (see point 2) that may result from their being shy. I don’t know if this is the case in all situations, but it certainly is the case with me. I’ve become a partial expert on small talk recently in order to fake my way through college social life. I suck at it still, though—I just use it a lot. The best advice I can give you here is to put up with the small talk until the shy person is comfortable enough to open up to you. Even better, suggest a deeper topic that both of you can elaborate on. Again, I don’t know about anyone else, but a deep topic can get me rambling for months on end.
2. Awkward silence
This is a big one. Without small talk, this can overtake a conversation. At least in my case, this stems not from a lack of things to discuss (in other words, it’s not a lack of random topics flooding the brain) but rather a fear of saying the wrong thing to those in the immediate vicinity. What’s better to avoid total humiliation than to remain silent? However, this silence is often misconstrued as stupidity or dullness. I disagree. It’s just a lack of confidence. Best advice? Again, either accept that the silence can go on for a little while, or try to find a topic that is interesting and deep.
3. The damn giggling
I don’t know about you, but this drives me nuts (mainly because I do it myself). It’s the constant throaty “huhuhuhuhu” that results after the non-shy member of a group makes a comment or suggestion to a shy person. This is typically the shy person’s response. While stupid-sounding, I think it’s just a case of, again, not knowing exactly what to say so as not to offend or confuse anyone. If it amuses you, laugh. If it annoys the hell out of you, sing a happy little tune in your head to try to drown it out. After time, as a sense of familiarity and comfort enters the equation, it will diminish. I promise.
Yeah, so that’s about it. I thought this was going to be a really long blog, but it turned out to be rather short. I think it will benefit many people to understand the shier people and their actions through the eyes of a shy person. So here you go. Enjoy.
Too sick to samba
Ugh…I feel like crap today. There’s basically not much more than this to say. My eyes hurt. Well, technically, I guess it’s my eyelids that hurt. My head hurts. I’m really shaky. I’m seeing spots. Blah.
Memory is like the sun: if it disappears, it’ll take you approximately eight minutes to notice
Insipred by Nick’s “Who Cares About Apathy?” MSN screen name.
Our society promotes apathy through the polarization of arguments, thus preventing people from finding a truly safe stance, leading to a feeling of alienation from the argument and a sense of apathy about said topic.
Example time!
Abortion (note—this is just an example. It can be seen several ways; don’t get pissy if you don’t agree with my logic here. It’s the first example that popped into my head).
1. Highly polarized argument: you’re either for it (pro-choice) or against it (pro-life). Not many in between, not many people see anything in between.
2. While trying to secure your stance on whichever side you choose, you’re met with opposing arguments aimed at poking holes in your logic.
3. You try to reason to yourself to remain where you stand, but find it increasingly difficult as you face strong opposition from the other side.
4. Despite your passion for an argument, you are eventually overwhelmed by the constant having to defend your position as well as the constant attacks by the other side.
5. Essentially, you give a big “screw it” to the whole thing. Apathy about said topic can develop.
Time travel? Travel time! Speak coherently, Yoda does.
Three points of interest today:
1. Black clothes
I have nothing against them or the people that wear them. Seriously. I just feel weird when I wear them. I’ve never felt very comfortable in black, mainly because I’m about as pale as a person can get without being an albino (the black hair doesn’t help much, either) and I just feel so pretentious. I feel like I should go in a dank corner somewhere and read some angsty poetry with my angsty smoker friends. One step down from emo!
2. Band performance!
I love O Magnum Mysterium. It’s a freaking awesome-sounding song. Bukvich’s one was nice as well, but I think it would have been a lot better if we knew what we were doing (at least, more so than we did tonight).
3. Immaturity
This is not directed to anyone in particular; in fact, you (the three of you who read this) aren’t even the ones I’m talking about. There’s a certain air of immaturity surrounding some people I know that I think is just ridiculous and uncalled for. The concept of being “open-minded,” at least in my opinion, implies that you are open-minded about everyone, including those who disagree with your own viewpoints. In other words, I think one must be open-minded (or, I suppose, “nice”) when the situation involves close-minded people if one is to be open-minded. Otherwise, it’s just hypocrisy. Also, I don’t think friendship should be decided on one point of interest—be it a point of strong agreement or one of strong disagreement.
Again, this is not directed to most of you. And again, I’m just stating my own opinion here. Don’t be pissed if I conflict with your opinions.
Vibrant Motive (yet another title that has nothing to do with the blog. Shocking, eh?)
Ah, Ag Sci. I’ve spent more time with you than with any human over the past several days. I will ask for you hand in marriage…but all in good time, my dear…all in good time.
Several points of interest that may prove to be interesting!
1. holy crap—RAB 18 is hilarious. Not nearly as good as 17 (my favorite so far), but pretty damn funny. It made my day when I watched it at 7:00 this morning.
2. I didn’t get back to my room until 10 tonight, partially because of the Ag Sci escapade, and partially because of part 3.
3. Rob and I have our own secret language. It’s fun. We’re hilarious.
4. The blogs will grow more interesting as I come out of this horrible funk of homework and papers. I promise.
The good, the bad, and the day-long visits to the library
So I’m writing this in the library computer lab, where I’ve been sitting for the past six hours working on various projects for school that I probably should have started back in March. I can’t pull an “Ag Sci” here because there are people everywhere, and even if I did, they’d probably kick me out because I’d disrupt the mellowness that is the quiet yet constant background buzz of about twelve iPod headphones cranked up too loud in the immediate vicinity around me.
Ah, college.
I’m sitting here whispering in my head, “just two more years…just two more years…just two more years…”
Yeah, this is a boring blog.
Nick and I get philosophical (for about a nanosecond–then we dissolve into silliness)
Oh man…this was the funniest conversation over MSN I’ve ever had. I don’t know why, but at the time both of us were in hysterics (we had our mics on) over how “witty” we were. There were about minute-long gaps in between the posing of a “life is like…” statement and the response. I’m “Opinions,” Nick is “Blitz!”:
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Question.
Blitz! says: shoot
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: What’s the meaning of life?
Blitz! says: to live long and prosper
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Haha
Blitz! says: life is like star trek
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: William Shatner is God.
Blitz! says: lol
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a lot of things
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Screw boxes of chocolate!
Blitz! says: i hear that
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a rodeo
Blitz! says: no matter how good you are, you’ll mess up eventually. Then you’ll be glad there are those clowns around to save your ass.
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Haha, that’s awesome!
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Give me one
Blitz! says: okay
Blitz! says: life is like a garden
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: If you do things right, it will involve at least one hoe and one bush.
Blitz! says: lol win
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like George Clooney’s underwear:
Blitz! says: sometimes it’s full of crap
Blitz! says: but a good kind of crap
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Oh my god, that’s really funny
Blitz! says: lol i’m a genius
Blitz! says: life is like a sentence
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life can’t be a sentence
Blitz! says: why
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Because rather than ending with a period, it begins with one
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Sort of
Blitz! says: holy shit, that’s clever
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Thanks
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a spelling bee:
Blitz! says: u go arownd speling things lik this and sumones going to kil u
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Haha
Blitz! says: life is like unprotected sex
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: It’s no fun going through with it wrapped in latex.
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Eh. What about this:
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like Dick Cheney:
Blitz! says: it doesn’t matter if you’re a nice person; it’ll still shoot you in the face one day when you’re least expecting it
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: You have no idea how much I’m laughing right now.
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Am I sick?
Blitz! says: lol yes
Blitz! says: life is like a sweet tart
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: The more you suck at it, the more you get engulfed by bitterness
Blitz! says: you’re friggin good at this
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: I know :P
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a simile
Blitz! says: lol i don’t think anything else needs to be said
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Ah, true
And then we go off and talk about homework, which is even more boring and even less funny (shockingly). Still, some of them are good, right?
You cannot be what you are not. It is the simple truth of man.
I need a life.
TEN random things about me:
1. I have the immune system of a god.
2. My favorite thing to do with my feet is to take off my shoes and socks, point my big toe at someone, and yell, “Uncle Sam wants YOU!”
3. Existentialism blows my mind.
4. Some days I just want to yell, “fuck it!” to the whole damn system.
5. I can fold my entire outer ear into my ear canal (wee!).
6. Popular people/people with social skills fascinate me (it’s not jealousy or resentment or anything like that…they just fascinate me).
7. I like big butts. I cannot lie.
8. When I walk under lit streetlights, 70% of the time they turn off.
9. I don’t belong in this era. Seriously. I feel very out of place.
10. I can’t do simple math in my head. Never been able to. I can recite movies verbatim after I watch them just once, I can remember the exact working to a report on Samuel de Champlain I did back in fourth grade, and I can rattle off 100 or so facts about Antarctica, but ask me what 7+6 is and I’ll sit there for an unnaturally long period of time before I eventually fart out an answer.
NINE ways to win my heart:
1. Make the first move. I’m shy. I’m also pretty damn clueless when it comes to social cues, so it would have to be a pretty obvious move.
2. Let me rant. I need to rant. If I rant, I’ll get it out of my system (most likely). If I don’t, haha, watch out!
3. Understand that I am not a people person. I like my space (and MySpace. Haha, I’m full of it tonight!). I have utmost respect for those who respect my space.
4. Let me touch you (not THAT way, sicko…unless, of course, you like it that way).
5. Smile. I like smiles. Especially if I cause them.
6. Make obscure references to Millard Fillmore.
7. A large vocabulary’s always good…wordplay is better than foreplay!
8. No stalking. Leave that to me.
9. I cry a lot. A LOT. Understand this. Accept this.
EIGHT things I want to do before I die:
1. Win the Nobel Peace Prize
2. Win a Pulitzer Prize (implying the want to write and publish at least one book)
3. Build a successful perpetual motion machine
4. Can anyone say, “time travel?”
5. Establish a utopia. Observe it. Watch it fall into dystopia. Write a book about it.
6. Be the father (mother?) of a Mahler’s Effect/Syndrome/Theorem/Law (yet to be determined exactly what this is, obviously)
7. Become an Internet phenomenon (I’m on my way! It’s what I keep telling myself!)
8. Be assured that I will live on in the memory of others (and by “others” I mean “a butt-load of people”)
SEVEN things I believe in:
1. My own opinions
2. Logic
3. Hard work
5. Quality over quantity (thus rendering my blogs completely worthless)
6. Independence
7. Solitude (and how good it is for a person)
SIX things that get me mad (or annoyed/paranoid/frustrated):
1. Fake people
2. Stupid people
3. Pseudo-intellectuals
4. Cell phones and people who constantly use them
5. Little kids (we’re talking ages 3-7 here)
6. Can I just say people in general?
FIVE things I’m afraid of:
1. Failure
2. Touching TV screens
3. Dragonflies
4. Sex (yeah, believe it or not)
5. Crowds
FOUR of my favorite items in my room:
1. My computer
2. This whacked-out drawing I did from several years ago
3. My iPod
4. I think I have a spork in here somewhere
THREE things I do everyday:
1. Put on my glasses.
2. Amuse myself.
3. Wish for olfaction.
TWO things I need to do right now:
1. My Core paper
2. My four other papers
ONE person I want to see right now:
1. Millard Fillmore!!! Seriously though, Anastasia Pennington, my friend from first grade. She and I lost contact loooong ago and I miss the hell out of her.
It’s survey-licious! (but it ain’t promiscuous)
1. What Is your natural hair color?
Black, dammit!
2. Where was your default pic taken?
In my room. I’m trying desperately not to look creepy. Is it working?
3. What’s your middle name?
Marie. Like freaking every other female.
4. Your current relationship status?
*cries*
5. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
Probably not. No wait…definitely not.
6. What is your current mood?
Let me get back to you with that next week.
7.What color underwear are you wearing?
Blue
8.What makes you happy?
Success
10. If you could go back in time, and change something what you would change?
Everything
11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day, what would you be?
A sea anemone. That would own.
12. Ever had a near death experience?
Kind of…my horoscope saved my butt, believe it or not.
13. Something you do a lot?
Think.
14. What’s the name of the song stuck in your head right now?
“Tear the Roof off the Sucker” by Parliament. Yeah. You guessed it.
16. Name someone with the same b-day as you?
Holy crap! Ernest Shackleton! That just made my day (think Antarctica). Oh, and James Joyce. And Shakira.
17. When was the last time you cried?
This morning.
18. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
Yeah.
19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
It’s a tough choice between invisibility and the ability to fly. I’d say invisibility, though, by about 0.0002%.
20. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
The fact that they’re the opposite or same sex? I don’t really acknowledge them unless they come on to me (which is never) or I actually look around my environment.
21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Nothing. Starbucks is the anti—whatever the opposite of Starbucks is.
22. What’s your biggest secret?
I don’t really have many secrets. Well, I do, but none of them are things I’m willing to share.
23. What’s your favorite color?
ORANGE!
24. When was the last time you lied?
7+3-8-2+11×2 questions ago
27. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Cookies! Like always!
28. Do you speak any other language?
The international language of love: Pig Latin (are-ay ou-yay eady-ray or-fay ome-say ex-say?)
29. What’s your favorite smell?
I’m Anosmic, my dear survey. And why doesn’t the Microsoft Word dictionary recognize the word “Anosmic”? I’m boycotting. Oh wait, it is when it’s capitalized. Never mind.
30. If you could describe your life in one word what would it be?
Quadriplegic.
31. When was the last time you gave/received a hug?
Quite awhile ago, I think…
32. Have you ever been kissed in the rain?
Nope. Never been kissed period.
33. What are you thinking about right now?
The last time I was caught in the rain. Freaking miserable.
34. What should you be doing?
Pretty much anything but blogging.
35. What was the last thing that made you upset/angry?
People.
36. How often do you pray?
Never.
37. Do you like working in the yard?
Nope.
38. If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
I’m proud to be a Mahler! Woo!
39. Do you act differently around your crush?
I dunno.
40. Name one thing that reminds you of an ex?
Never had an ax. Oh, an EX. Yeah. Never had an ex.
By the way, kudos if you got what I was referring to in the title.
Et tu, chair?
Facebook updates for today:
-Claudia is screwing around in the Ag Sci computer lab (take THAT, productivity!).
-Claudia is rising to power in the Ag Sci computer lab.
-Claudia is now the Chief Justice of the Supreme Ag Sci Computer Lab Court.
-Claudia is Pharaoh of the Ag Sci computer lab.
-Claudia is facing opposition from the riffraff in the Ag Sci computer lab.
-Claudia is fighting the death of her dynasty in the Ag Sci computer lab! Barricade the doors! Fire the cannons! Do something! Anything! Damn you all!
-Claudia is now exiled from the Ag Sci computer lab…but she’ll be back…hehe…with knives…
Um, yeah. I was having a little bit of boredom-induced fun in an empty computer lab. The chairs worshipped me originally. They offered me their ball bearings. Then they elevated me to their Pharaoh. Then they began to grow unhappy with my tyrannical rule. Then they overthrew me. And I was thrown into exile.
Yeah. I’ll be back, you anarchic chairs. I’ll be back.
Maxed out! No limits! Reaching for the horizon! Putting the Silly Putty on the radiator!
Woo! I registered tonight! Here we go with my schedule for next fall:

22 credits.
7 classes.
1 semester.
No insanity limit.
It’s all in the way you look at it, I swear!
Haha, these are great. I can’t remember where I found them, but they’re great.
PHILOSOPHER BREAK-UP LINES
-Leibniz: It’d be for the best if we broke up.
-Hegel: The thesis is we’re breaking down. The antithesis is to fix it up. The synthesis is…we’re breaking up.
-Solipsist: You think the world revolves around you!
-Dualist: My body says yes, but my heart says no!
-Plato: Uh, of course we aren’t a couple. I’m Plato! Our relationship is stricly platonic!
-Utilitarian: It’d be better for both of us if I just left.
-Popper: Inductively, I thought I loved you and only you. Deductively, screwing your sister proved that false.
-Descartes: A relationship does not think, therefore our relationship is not.
-Zeno: We are too distant.
-Theist: I can’t explain why I want to break up with you. Therefore, God did it.
-Sartre: I am sick of you.
-Occam: I wasn’t enough for you, huh? You needed a man with a beard, too! The guy doesn’t even own a razor! We’re over! I won’t be multiplying entities with YOU anytime soon!
-Derrida: We’re too “differant”.
-Libertarian/Economic Conservative: This relationship is much too taxing.
-Intelligent Design Theorist: Some things about evolution confuse me. Therefore we’re breaking up.
-Materialist: Love doesn’t “matter” to you.
-Determinist: It just wasn’t meant to be!
-Marxist: This relationship is just an ideological construct designed to repress my class conciousness! Monogamy is an invention of capitalist swine!
-Nietzsche: We are “over, man”.
-Kant: My proposed maxim was to love you. But I could not will to universalize this maxim and have everyone love you, otherwise you’d be cheating on me. Therefore, it is my duty not to love you!
-Logical Positivist: Our love never meant anything–the word “love” has no meaningful content, after all!
Put that in your hickory-smoked sausage and exploit it!
I’m not one to post song lyrics very often—I think it’s pretty pointless unless you explain why you’re doing it.
So here’s my explanation for this: possibly the coolest free song iTunes has ever offered. I love the rhythm and the lyrics.
“Philosophia” – the Guggenheim Grotto
When we’re young we set our hearts upon some beautiful idea
Maybe something from a holy book or French philosophia
Upon the thoughts of better men than us we swear by and decree a
Perfect way to end the war of ways the only way to be a…
Work of art, oh to be a work of art
But in time a thought comes tugging on the sleeve edge of our minds
Perhaps no perfect way exists at all, just many different kinds
Oh but if it’s just a thing of taste then everything unwinds
For without an absolute how can the absolute define…
A work of art, oh to be a work of art.
I just think it’s cool.
Oh, and this:

“Federal endorsement of a deity violates the U.S. Constitution.” My change for the day.
“Oh for the love of god, Idaho!”
Give it a shot—see if you can name all 50 states in less than 10 minutes. If you learned that damn elementary state song I keep hearing about, that’s cheating.
It’s harder than you think, especially when you get 49 of them in less than 3 minutes but then spend the last seven minutes trying to figure out the last one.
Stupid Vermont.
(max 95 characters)

Give it a shot. I’m almost an orange square (it was my second shape choice).
The music will either make you dance or drive you insane.
I’m bored.
E
Oh my god YES. I’m getting the hell out of Wallace next year! I’m off to…
McConnell. Haha. Yeah, another residence hall, but it’s not in Wallace and it’s supposedly quieter. That’s all I ask…
And none of these bunk bed doohickeys. SINGLE ROOMS, BABY!
Without blinds, the windows are NAKED!
Did anyone else find it funny that the blood drive today was being held at the law school? I did. I laughed on my way to stats (and through stats; my teacher thought I went insane).
POINT NUMERO DOS!!!!!!
My eye’s been twitching for about a month now. It’s really distracting.
Cephalopod! There’s a soup in my waiter!
So I just watched “The Desert” again today.
Two words:
holy crap.
This is some hilarious whacked-out crap right here. I don’t know why I didn’t win any awards. Where the hell are my awards?!
Best quote:
“I have the urge to assemble a group of delegates and derail the system of the Parliament!” ~Uncle Sam
And that whole thing with Shannyn and I and the male pumpkin parts…wow.
Now I have Flash. The world is indeed in great danger.
What I think about during a biology test (hint: it’s not biology)
John Keats wrote,
“‘Beauty is truth, truth beauty—’ that is all it is that
Ye know on earth and all ye need to know.”
So what is truth? Beauty. What is beauty? Truth. But how does one truly define either?
Let us take the topic of beauty and go from there. Several problems arise from the start: does there exist a universal beauty—a person, thing or idea that appeals to each and every person on this earth? Along with this comes the question of whether beauty is purely aesthetic—that is, it is a concept applicable to things one can touch, feel, hear, taste, or smell. Does this universal beauty exist in another realm, such as an appealing idea or theory? For sake of argument, say there exists this universal beauty. Are we to assume that all organisms can perceive this beauty? Can a fish, for example, or a mushroom, not only perceive but also appreciate and value the same beauty that a person can? How different is beauty to a lion than it is to a man? This is all assuming, of course, that beauty is something more than an aesthetic concept (for if it isn’t we have to conclude that all organisms not capable of perceiving aesthetic sensations are to have beauty, and thus truth, allude them forever).
But perhaps beauty is something else—perhaps we have been defining it incorrectly as an aesthetic appeal, or, more broadly, as a sensation. What if beauty is the absence of a sensation? Though possibly this seems rather far-fetched, it does make sense. Take, for example, the reaction of beauty that one may feel when viewing a sunset. Does that feeling result directly from the presence of the sunset, or does it result from the removal of a stimulus—a feeling, memory, or worry—that occurs due to the sunset? The sunset is just an example, mind you. It does not, as I stated, have to be related to an aesthetic appeal.
However, if this is so—that beauty is the absence of a stimulus rather than the presence of one—we run into a new issue. Beauty is then the unawareness of something—this unawareness is also known as ignorance. Therefore, using this train of ideas, we can assume that beauty can be considered ignorance, thus defining beauty as neither an object/person nor an idea, but a state of mind. And here falls in the old proverb, most fittingly: “ignorance is bliss.”
Following the logic from these connections we get this as a conclusion: Truth is beauty, beauty is ignorance, ignorance is bliss. Therefore, truth is bliss. Keep in mind, as always, that this all depends on the acceptance of the idea that beauty is accomplished via the absence of a stimulus (that occurs, most of the time, from the presence of another stimulus or idea).
Conclusion: truth is happiness.
Bam.
Put a ribbon on it.
