For best results, remove pants
Not a word shall be said.
Except…
AAAH PUSSY!
Yeah, it’s another survey.
Claudia’s bored. No finals today. It’s survey time!
(And notice I’ve failed to speak a word about the math final last night? Yeah. I think I did very poorly.)
1. What kind of first impression do you think people have when they first see you?
If they see me, they probably think I’m a hippie/slacker/druggie who doesn’t amount to much in school or in life in general. I probably don’t give off the first impression that I’m intelligent solely because I dress in a way that most people fail to associate with “intelligence.” I’ve been told I’ve surprised people once they’ve gotten to know me past the first impression.
2. What’s one thing you like to do alone?
What don’t I like to do alone? I guess one of the more “group” activities that I prefer to do alone is shop. I hate shopping with other people, cause then I find it more difficult to accrue the material possessions that meet the satisfactory “eccentricity” requirements.
3. What is your favorite line to say when bored?
Something along the lines of “I’m bored,” most likely. Or, “god, let’s do something!”
4. What movie made you cry?
The Butterfly Effect.
5. How many drinks before you’re tipsy?
Claudia no drinky.
6. Do you ever have to beg?
On occasion. But it’s kind of fun to do.
7. What kind of books do you like to read?
Classics. Specifically, those recommended by top schools such as Harvard, Oxford, Stanford, etc.
8. Do you think you’re cute?
HA! In your dreams.
9. Do you have a problem changing clothes in front of your friends?
If you are one of my friends, you most likely know the answer to this question.
10. Favorite communication method?
Morse code!
11. Do you care?
About what? I care about a lot of things.
12. What do you eat when you raid the fridge at night?
I don’t raid the fridge at night. Jolly Ranchers/M&Ms are not kept in the fridge.
13. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
Fix my butt. A little lipo here and there. But that’s it. Ooh! Ooh! Can I have a third eye installed?
15. Describe your bed.
Um, it’s a twin…it’s got sheets on it…they’re striped…that’s about it.
16. Spontaneous or planned?
PLEASE planned. PLEASE.
17. Do you know how to play poker?
Not at all, actually.
18. What do you carry with you at all times?
Something with which to and on which to write.
19. What do you miss most about being little?
Being shy appeared to be more socially acceptable when I was younger.
20. Are you happy with your given name?
Aside from the fact that it means “lame” in Latin, yeah. I like it.
21. How much would it take to give up the Internet for 1 year?
It would take quite a freaking lot.
22. What color is your bedroom?
It’s white, but it’s got enough posters on the walls to cover that fact.
23. Have you ever been in a play?
~Goldilocks and the Three Bears—Kindergarten
~7 Christmas musicals and 7 springtime musicals—Kindergarten-6th grade
~Chateau La Roach—9th grade
~Excerpt from Hamlet—12th grade
~Some thing with a bunch of trees—11th grade
~Some southern thing—11th grade
~Marionette—freshman year
24. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
No and on occasion.
25. Do homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
Nah, I feel for them.
26. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
I’m a very nice person, I think.
27. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends?
I’m negative on the girlfriend/boyfriend aspect, so no.
28. What’s one thing you wish you could do but can’t?
Flyyyyyyyy!
29. What is your ideal marriage location?
Antarctica!
30. What’s one instrument you wish you could play?
I’ve always wanted to learn the violin, but a) I can’t get a hold of one long enough to learn it, and b) Claudia fails at stringed instruments anyway, as evident from the 5 minute session with Aneel’s viola one day after school.
31. Something you like and hate?
Like: intelligence. Hate: lies! Deceit and lies!
32. What’s one language you want to learn?
Latin! Or Basque.
33. What do you order at a bar?
Not old enough yet.
34. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
Myself? No.
35. Do you have any tattoos?
Not yet!
36. Would you admit to getting plastic surgery if confronted?
Probably.
37. What’s one trait you hate in a person?
Pseudo-intellectualism.
38. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
Nope.
39. What do you cook best?
Ha, nothing. Seriously.
40. When are you most happy?
Whenever I know I’ve succeeded.
Flabbergast me!
Where did you begin 2007?
At home. On couch. On internet. As usual.
What was your status by Valentine’s Day?
Do you have to guess this? I mean, really?
Were you in school (anytime this year)?
All year except for, I think, two weeks. Sad, isn’t it?
Did you have to go to the hospital?
MRI time!
Did you have any encounters with the police?
Haha, nope.
Where did you go on vacation?
Boise.
What did you purchase that was over $500?
My books for school ($600-something)
Did you know anybody who got married?
ME! Haha, seriously though, I don’t know anyone else who did for real.
Did you know anybody who passed away?
Yeah. Oh, and interesting fact: that girl who hanged herself over those MySpace comments? That was my 4th cousin.
Did you move anywhere?
Nope.
What sporting events did you attend?
Football games, to my dismay. Yes, band, I love you, but the football games cancels that love out for approximately 5 hours every few weekends.
What concerts/shows did you go to?
I think I went to that one Matt was in near the end of spring semester.
Where do you live now?
Moscow!
Describe your birthday:
Pretty non-eventful. Except for that kick-ass carpet square.
What’s the one thing you thought you would never do, but did in 2007?
Got kissed. In drag. Haha, best night ever.
What has been your favorite moment(s)?
Every single moment I was in my tests and measurements class.
What’s something you learned about yourself?
I trust too easily.
Any new additions to your family?
Nope.
What was your best month?
May.
What music will you remember 2007 by?
First quarter: O Magnum Mysterium (band! I remember band!)
Second quarter: You’re a God (Matt’s profile song for awhile! I remember Matt’s profile song for awhile!)
Third quarter: Goodbye My Lover (I listened to this song waaaaaaaaaaay too much. It’s got like 200 plays on my playlist)
Fourth quarter: Disco Inferno (haha!)
(Yes, I divide the year into quarters, because that’s about as many distinct sections there are in terms of this year. Deal with it!)
Who has been your best drinking buddy?
Claudia no drinky.
Made new friends?
Nope.
Best new friend?
Sean!
Favorite Night out?
Psycho de Mayo
Any regrets?
Being too trusting.
What do you want to change in 2008?
Get my mind back in the correct mindset. It was shifted; I want it back.
Overall, how would you rate this year?
First quarter: 6.5
Second quarter: 9.8
Third quarter: 2
Fourth quarter: 6.2
(yes, I did it again. Deal!)
What would you change about 2007?
Not allowing myself to be drawn by stupid emotions into situations that just end badly.
Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
School?
Have any life changes in 2007?
Yes, both for the good and for the crap.
Change your hairstyle?
Nope. Thinking about it, though.
Have any car accidents?
Nope.
Buy a new car?
Negative.
Get a new job?
Ahoy (Wendy’s, my darling, I miss and loathe you both at the same time).
Do you have a New Year’s resolution?
I will list them in a future blog, once we get closer to the new year.
Do anything embarrassing?
A few things.
Buy anything new from eBay?
Dear god, it’s an addiction! Kill me now before I spend away my graduate school funds!
What was your favorite purchase?
The Voltaire pins! Oh god!
Get arrested?
No.
Be honest – did you watch American Idol?
Haha, nope.
Did you get sick this year?
Yes, for the first time in quite a while. And on the band trip, too. Figures.
Start a new hobby?
I don’t think so…
Been snowboarding?
No.
Are you happy to see 2007 go?
OH DEAR GOD YES.
Drink Starbucks in 2007?
Ew.
Been naughty or nice?
Nice. Except when I dance.
What are you wishing for in 2008?
Good grades. Good score on GRE + GRE subject test. Graduation. Acceptance into at least one grad school.
Aw…
And just like that, the highlight of my undergraduate came to a close at abruptly 10:49 this morning. That’s right: I took my final in Tests and Measurements and walked out the door, never to see that wonderful class again.
It’s the saddest day of my life right now.
HOLLY CARP IS REAL
Holly Carp now has a Facebook. And in case you weren’t there and are wondering what the hell I’m talking about and what the big deal is, Holly Carp is an individual Maggie and I discovered on the night before the band trip down to Boise, the night we stayed up all night and were IM-ing each other while sitting right next to each other.
And in case you’re not on Facebook and want to know of this wonderful being, here is her profile:
Activities: being awesome, quoting the Bible verbatim, quoting the fish equivalent of the Bible verbatim, confounding the most genius of the human species, swimming, looking for a mate to fertilize my eggs, making fishy faces at confused passers-by, holding talk therapy groups for sharks confused about their sexuality, marketing my self-help video entitled “Who Needs a Doral Fin When You’ve Got a Name That is Commonly Confused with the Word “Crap”?”, bumming rides off of people, DJ-ing, playing solitaire, solving live’s mysteries, calling the operator and having lengthy discussions about why they chose their career, convincing people I’m real, being a stunt double for Dr. Phil, eating whatever the hell carp eat, break dancing.
Interests: philosophy, contact sports, optometry, humans’ depletion of natural resources and how we’re all screwed, Nebraska, the “Holly Carp Is Real” Campaign, WSU and their fascination with large cats, WSU and their placement of the cattle breeding pen in close proximity to the captive bear area, volleyball, other carp.
Favorite Music: Katrina and the Waves, The Backstreet Boys, Kenny G.
Favorite TV Shows: The Dr. Phil Show
Favorite Movies: Finding Nemo
Favorite Books: The World According to Carp, How to Keep Koi, Goldfish and Other Carp, Carp Fishing on Valium, Die Like the Carp!, Carp in the Bathtub, Richard Scarry’s Best First Book Ever.
Favorite Quotes: “Holly Carp is real.”
About Me: I am Holly Carp. I am real. I type in all-caps because I’m just that important. I enjoy long walks on the beach, or preferably in the water itself, me being a carp and all.
I am all-knowing and all-powerful. My powers of logic and deduction astonish even the most intelligent of men, including Stephen Hawking, one of many whom I have single-handedly beat at swimming.
I won the gold medal in Awesome in the first Olympic games.
I alone built five miles of the Great Wall of China.
I fantasize nightly of a schooner whose love I was lucky enough to possess one lonely night when the waters were still and our hearts were a-flutter with true love.
I’m looking to find a man of similar interests and who has big gills. Seriously though, gill size doesn’t matter. But I’d like his to be big.
Like, huge.
Seriously.
I also noticed a few minutes ago that in the religious views is typed, “I worship cod,” which rhymes nicely with “I worship god.”
I’m funny.
The hell?
My dreams keep getting stranger and stranger. I’m not even going to attempt an interpretation of this, because I can’t for the life of me think of what it was that triggered this. Especially the “cubes” (you’ll see).
Onward!
In this dream, it feels like I’m not where I am. It’s like I’m watching myself on TV, but it’s not me (even though it really is). So I’m with these two guys and we’re in a helicopter that’s landing at the top of this jungle-esque landscape. Below us is this tan concrete ramp that must be about thirty feet across and leads down into this huge pool of water. Looking out, you can see that this one ramp leads into a center square (full of water, mind you) and from this square branch out several perpendicular streets, each also full of water.
We land and, like we’re on the Discovery Channel or something, we begin talking to these cameras that apparently came with us about the “natives” that live in the area and their rituals. Some other tour guy comes up to us and starts explaining, as we walk down the ramp towards the water with our pants legs rolled up, what different creatures live in the water. I’m looking down and I see these eel-like things swimming around and say, “so basically, these people live in water filled with bugs and eels?”
And the tour guy says, “yes, but only when the water’s high.”
“The higher the water, the more eels?”
“Yes.”
For some reason, by this point, we’re no longer in the water but are standing near the edges of the giant ramp. I look down and suddenly see that the square is filled with people who are treading water, all looking up at us on the ramp. Another guy, who is apparently the chief of these “natives,” is standing with us and is ready to make a sacrifice to the water. Now we’re all holding these knives. He takes his knife, takes a small girl who seems to have appeared out of nowhere, and cuts a little cube out of her shoulder.
He takes this cube and tosses it into the crowd with his knife. He then gets some other…let’s just call them “samples” of people and tosses them over to us, who are standing on the opposite side. We catch them with our knives and toss them into the crowd.
This appears to be some sort of major ritual, because after we do this, the crowd goes swimming out of the square down all the major streets, draining the water out of the center of the square with them. This creates a huge vacuum of air, and we all get sucked down into the square. Then the water comes rushing back in, creating a huge gust of air that pushes us back out and over the ramp into the jungle. Then I wake up.
I’d love to hear your interpretation, if you have one, because I certainly don’t.
Things I’ve fallen in love with in 2007 and have remained in love with ever since
Now in chronological order from earliest to most recent!
Please note: it says “fallen in love with in 2007,” so things I was in love with before that don’t count in this list (socks, surveys, blogging, etc.).
~The List~
Millard Fillmore
This man makes my heart sing.
Making Really Crappy Flash Animations and Marketing Them as Awesome Pieces of Art
This has turned into quite a little obsession of mine. I hope you people appreciate my awesomeness in this realm. Especially those of you for whom I have made a Flash.
The Enlightenment
Ahhhh, learning! Ahhhhh, learning about learning! I think my 258 English class was the best class I’ve ever taken (apart from T & M, of course).
Voltaire
Oh my god. I love this man. As evident from my make-out session with my Voltaire pins on the bus back from Boise. If he were alive today, he would be MINE!
Philosophy in General
I don’t know why I never used to like it. Now it is my love.
Subjecting You All to Constant and Pointless Lists in My Blogs (such as this one)
I can’t seem to write much in my blogs nowadays that’s not in list form. Is this a symptom of something?
Making Fun of the Presidents
Chatroom, pinball, Millard Fillmore + Zach Taylor…what joy.
Making fun of Erik Erikson’s name
Poor Sean. Me every day in psych of personality: “Haha! ERIK ERIKSON! It’s funny because his last name is like his first name but with “son” on it! Haha!”
The Ag Sci Computer Lab and Spending Time with It
Note I said “with” and not “in.” Ag Sci computer lab is now comparable to a human in my eyes.
Planning my School Schedules 6 Months in Advance
I love obsessive planning and you should, too!
The Guggenheim Grotto
Philosophia is the best song ever. Period.
Analyzing My Dreams Freudian Style
Note to world: keep Freudian materials away from Claudia.
“Life and Death”
Ah, the 1988 PC game of awesomeness. I still haven’t figured out how to operate correctly.
Tests and Measurements
Need I say more?
My Philosophy Teacher
This man is such a stereotypical philosophy teacher—it’s awesome. Plus he’s so freaking enthusiastic that you have to smile. You rock, Joseph Cannon. You rock.
Metro Station
HOLY CRAP I love Metro Station! Check them out. Do it now!
Shoutout to Misty
You were awesome.
So…what else was I going to blog about?
Seriously, I can’t remember.
I think Aneel’s woman-coat threw me.
Hmm.
I am so incredibly, incredibly lonely. What’s wrong with me?
AH! Survey!
1) Some random girl comes up to you and says, “Who the hell are you?” What do you do?
Ask her, “you don’t know?” Then proceed to list off everything I’ve done that has led to my awesomeness. Alphabetically.
2) What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?
My pen
3) What does your last incoming text message say?
Don’t have any text messages on my new phone
4) The last song you listened to?
“Tell Me What To Do” by Metro Station. I freaking love Metro Station.
5) If you hated someone and got put in charge of their funeral music, what would it be?
If I hated someone, why in the world would I want to be involved in any way with them after they’re dead?
6) Where is your best friend right now?
I don’t have a best friend.
7) What did you do yesterday?
Completed several papers, contemplated several philosophical questions, and remained on this hyperness high that’s come out of nowhere.
8) Pick a scar on your body. Where’d it come from?
A freaking parrot.
9) What teacher have you hated most and why?
My 10th grade math teacher (can’t remember his name). His style of teaching was, “I’ll write some obscure problem on the board, then sit in my desk the rest of the class period, unavailable for questions, while I review track film.”
12.) What do you really think happened to Steve on Blues Clues?
Who the hell is Steve on Blue’s Clues?
14.) Who is your most religious friend?
ALAN!
15) Who do you trust with your life?
No one.
16) If you could change your name to anything what would it be?
I like my name.
17) What would you say if someone told you you were the most beautiful person in the world and they would do anything to wake up to your face each and every morning?
I wouldn’t believe them. For a second. Nobody in their right minds thinks I’m beautiful/worth that much.
18) What do you hate about your school?
The fact that college kids seem to have a higher rate of stupidity than high school kids.
19) How often do you curse?
Pretty much, actually.
20) Do you trust all of your friends?
No. I don’t trust anyone anymore.
21) Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
IF ANYONE WOULD FREAKING LOVE ME BACK, I WOULD!
22.) Have you ever talked on the phone while in the shower?
Haha, no, can’t say that I have.
23) Name two things you would not tolerate in a relationship?
LIES and MORE LIES
24) Which one of your friends do you think would make a good prostitute?
Aneel. Totally.
25) Are you afraid of falling in love?
Not if I can trust the person I’m in love with.
27) Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new person?
Um, no?
29) Fill in the blank. I love_____.
Tests and Measurements, Voltaire, philosophy, and Millard Fillmore.
30) What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Graduate in 2 ½ years with a 4.0.
31) If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?
It would be likely that I wouldn’t readily remember exactly what was going on (at least for a few minutes), so I’d probably just sit there.
32) How many kids do you want to have?
ZERO!
33) Would you make a good parent?
Ha! Absolutely not. I hate kids.
34) Where was your default picture taken?
In my dorm room.
35) What is your middle name?
Marie.
36) Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?
How to work out the relationship between logic and emotion, along with how to understand the concept of free will.
37) If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
I’d be smarter. Earlier. As in, college when I was seven.
38) Shoe size?
Anything from 4-7½. Don’t ask me how that works.
39) What are you wearing right now?
Pants, undies, bra, shirt.
40) Righty or Lefty?
Righty.
41) Can you make a dollar in change right now?
I don’t have any change on me.
43) Favorite jeans?
I hate jeans!
44) Favorite animal?
I don’t think I have a favorite animal.
45) Favorite juice?
Apple.
46) Have you had the chicken pox?
Oh yeah.
47) Have you had a sore throat?
Hasn’t everyone?
48) Ever had plastic surgery?
Haha, no.
49) Who knows you the best?
No one.
50) Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Glasses.
51) Ever been in a fight with your pet?
My kitten Annabelle has a vindictive streak in her.
52) Ever been to Mexico?
Nope.
53) Did you buy something yesterday?
Nope.
54) Did you get sick today?
Nope.
55) Did you miss anyone today?
Nah.
56) Did you get in a fight with someone today?
Nah.
58) Last person whose bed you laid in?
Mine.
59) Last person to see you cry?
Matt.
60) Who/what made you cry?
I’m not going to speak of that.
62) What are your plans for the weekend?
Studying. As always.
63) Who do you think will repost this?
I don’t think anyone will, cause I already stole this from Maggie and none of my other readers really care, so it’s all good.
64) Are you happy right now?
I’m hyper, which is masking my immense loneliness and want for love. So sure, you could say that.
66) Are you hungry?
Nope.
67) Are you a forgiving person?
I forgive. I never forget.
68) Would you ever share a girl/boyfriend with your best friend?
Haha, yeah, me with a boyfriend. Funny.
69) Have you lost a friend recently?
Nope.
70) Are you talking to someone while doing this?
Nope.
72) What are you about to do right now?
Go write some crap.
CLAUDIA’S INSANELY HYPER SURVEY OF INSANE HYPERNESS
IT’S IN ALL CAPS CAUSE IT’S THAT FREAKING IMPORTANT AND I’M THAT FREAKING HYPER, DANGIT!
AND JUST IN CASE IT’S NOT EVIDENT BY THE QUESTIONS, I WROTE THIS PIECE OF CRAP!
1. PANTS! ARE YOU WEARING THEM?
Unfortunately, my dear survey. Unfortunately. Wait, wait—HA! I removed them! WHO OWNS THE WORLD, NOW?!?!?!
2. BONSAI TREES! ARE YOU WEARING THEM?
Just two. Where my pants used to be.
3. WHAT’S YOUR TAKE ON DR. SEUSS? DO YOU THINK HE DID HEROIN?
I think I was the one on heroin when I wrote that “Seuss on the Loose” poem. Haha, remember that, Maggie? When I posted it on your wall on Facebook? I RULE!
4. DO YOU THINK IT’S MATHEMATICALLY POSSIBLE TO DIVIDE BY ZERO?
The way I see it, when you’re dividing things, it’s like your dividing them into groups (this is how I was taught to divide). Thus, if you divide something by zero, you divide it into no groups, and the number stays the same. I think it should be opposite of what it is—I don’t think you should be able to divide zero by anything. Cause if you try and divide zero into, for example, two groups, you FAIL! MISERABLY! BAM!
5. NAME YOURSELF “JONAH.” WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF A LARGE WHALE SWALLOWED YOU, JONAH?
I would pray, pray, pray to Buddha for my regurgitation on to dry land.
Wait.
That’s not right.
6. IF THE BIBLE ISN’T GOD’S WORD, WHOSE WORD IS IT?
William Shatner’s!
7. ARE YOU SICK OF ME ASKING THESE QUESTIONS IN QUESTION FORM?
Slightly.
8. WOULD YOU LIKE A STATEMENT INSTEAD?
Yes.
9. OKAY, FINE.
Thank you!
10. “CITIZEN SNIIIIIIIIPS!”
Haha, Futurama rules.
11. DO YOU HAVE INTENSELY ROMANTIC DREAMS INVOLVING JOHN PHILIP SOUSA?
How…how did you know?
12. COLIN MOCHRIE: HOT OR INCREDIBLY HOT?
Funny bald men get me every time.
13. SPEAKING OF COLIN MOCHRIE, HAVE YOU SEEN THE ANIMATED FLASH SERIES “COLIN MOCHRIE VS. JESUS H. CHRIST?”
I have indeed. Hilarity.
14. WOULD YOU NAME YOUR SON COLIN?
Yes.
15. WOULD YOU NAME YOUR SON COLON?
Ha! How tragically hilarious that would be!
16. WOULD YOU NAME YOUR SON ANY OTHER BODY PART?
My two little boys shall be named Spleen and Jugular Vein (but we will call him J.V. for short).
17. RATE THE ATTRACTIVENESS OF YOUR BUTT ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10, 1 BEING HIDEOUS, 10 BEING GEORGE CLOONEY IN BUTT FORM (THIS WITH THE ASSMPTION THAT 98% OF WOMEN FIND GEORGE CLOONEY ATTRACTIVE; IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU DO OR NOT, CAUSE YOU’RE OPINION ON GEORGE CLOONEY DOESN’T MATTER AT THIS POINT OF THE SURVEY!)
2.36
18. NOW IT DOES: WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ON GEORGE CLOONEY?
I think he’s a fair-looking person.
19. WHICH RETARDED ANIMAL BABY DO YOU MOST RESEMBLE?
Oh my goodness, PUPPY!
20. LIST THREE MOVIES THAT WOULD BE INSANELY HILARIOUS IF THEY WERE MADE INTO MUSICALS:
The Day After Tomorrow
Speed
Snakes on a Plane
21. SECOND TO LAST QUESTION! ARE YOU FRIGHTENED?
Will you hold me?
22. LAST QUESTION (OR COMMAND, RATHER): FINISH THIS LIMERICK, YOU HOOLIGAN! “IN SPAIN AFTER HAVING BURRITOS…”
“…I met up with Danny DeVito.
We were having a blast,
But not long did it last,
He was bitten by a malarial mosquito!”
Theory: Rain Makes People Stupid and Eat Sticks
No joke.
Part One: “Rain Makes People Stupid”
FOR GOD’S SAKE! I didn’t think people could get any dumber on this campus in regards to their walking behaviors, but apparently, they can. So in response to this, I am now laying down a (sarcastic) set of rules for all you people based on my observations today:
1) Being in possession of an umbrella automatically frees you from any rules involving social consideration. Your privileges include being allowed to aimlessly swerve around like a chicken with your head cut off because you fail to realize that you can actually lift your umbrella up slightly so that you can see where you’re going underneath it, carrying oversized umbrellas and not yielding to other walkers on the sidewalk because hell, you’ve got the bigger umbrella, and standing in front of doorways for five minutes as you shake the water off said oversized umbrellas while remaining totally oblivious to the fact that other people would like to pass through said doors.
2) You’re automatically allowed to amble aimlessly and at the speed of 0.000001 miles per hour down the center of sidewalks where doing so does not allow room for people to pass on either side of you because hey—everyone likes to be out in the rain for longer than is necessary, especially when they’re being delayed by a total insensitive idiot.
3) Making such incredibly blatant observations about incredibly glaring issues, such as, “your pants are wet” will be met with such serious and sincere comments such as, “gee, you’re a regular Einstein! I wondered at this sensation of wetness around my ankles and could not put my finger on what was causing it! No no, it takes true genius in the form of an observer pointing out obvious facts to relate such information to the uninformed person to which it is happening! Bravo, good sir! Bravo!”
Freaking people.
Part Two: “…and Eat Sticks”
I go to philosophy today and sit by, as always, some football player who claims to see me specifically at each game (I know I know, football player + philosophy = does not compute, bear with me here). Today, I notice he has his usual cup of overpriced coffee from the coffee shop, but is chewing on what appears to be a stick. I’d say this stick is about five inches long, and about a centimeter in diameter. “Okay,” I think, “he’s gnawing on a stick. A little strange, but I’ll swing with it.”
I swear to god the whole stick was gone by the time the professor finished lecturing.
He freaking ate a stick! I am beside myself. I will never look at football players the same again.
Side point: my philosophy teacher rocks.
Further proof that I should not be left alone
You know what I’ve realized? I give really interesting names to my Microsoft Word documents. Observe:
~PAPER LOL!—my research proposal.
~The Helvetica Report—the rough draft of my third philosophy paper.
~GEOGRAPHY NOTES LOL!!!!!!1—geography notes.
~WA 3, bitch!—third writing assignment for psychology.
~OH MY GOD IT’S GOD—philosophy paper on Aristotle’s god.
~CITATIONS OMFG—citations for psychology research paper.
~More research! QUADRUPLE SEX!—there’s absolutely nothing in this document.
~Love—another empty document (suggestive of something?).
~Yogi bear, bitch!—what I renamed the sample for my Tests and Measurements Excel file.
~This document will self destruct when it wants to, dammit!—philosophy paper 1.
~Jesus called, he wants his essay back—social psych extra credit essay.
~IT’S A TRAP!—obscure Star Wars reference I gave to my notes for my research paper.
~XXX PORN—geography final paper.
What does all this mean? Someone tell me, I’m disturbed.
Haha, I like titling things in caps.
On Love
Hello!
“What is love?” A question asked so many times by a Haddaway song, but never once answered.
So I was going to save the contents of this blog for Valentine’s Day, seeing as how they pertain very nicely to that specific holiday and the feelings involved with it, but I thought “screw that” when I realized that a) this is my blog, I can type whatever I want whenever I want, and b) I’m saving Valentine’s Day for a bitter “oh pity the still single soul, lost in a sea of paired lovers and loved” piece of crap (betcha can’t wait for that, eh?). Anyway.
Obligatory disclaimer: this is Claudia’s views on and perceptions of love. This by no means is a “feel sorry for me” blog. Rather, it is a “let me explain my stance on crap” blog, a way of portraying what so few people get to portray (including myself) because they have no one to sit down and discuss this with.
I almost wish I didn’t have to, but now that I’ve had my little taste of it, I feel I must spew forth an emotional deluge of my (and I cringe at this word) “feelings” toward the concept of love and what it means for both the lover and the loved.
Onward we go!
Everyone needs to be loved. Some people feel the need to be loved more strongly than others, and others feel the need to love more strongly than others. I, I believe, am in the latter category. It’s not as if I want someone to be romantic towards me, to get me flowers, to hold me and tell me I’m pretty/smart/undeniably theirs. I want someone to love. And it has to be a two-way street, not in the sense of necessary reciprocity, but the person I’m loving must have some feelings towards me. No more of this one-sided desperation that I’ve dealt with the majority of my life.
It’s like I have this incredible drive, this incredible urge to emote in the form of love, and I will gladly do so to the first person who signals to me that they want this love and whom I deem worthy of receiving it. This is why, for me, being all alone sucks. As I’ve stated, I’ve gotten my little taste of being allowed to freely love for the first time in my life, and now I don’t have that anymore, so my urge to love has once again been bottled, and I’m looking almost desperately for a place to uncap said love onto some soul who needs it and deserves it. Metaphorically (cause Claudia loves her some metaphors), it’s like a wall of water without a channel to go through (oh, can the sappiness level of this blog increase any further?!).
And yes, I must admit that there’s the reciprocity factor for me. As I’ve said, it’s not nearly as good to love when it is unreciprocated. Some could even debate that that fails to even be love. It’s not as if I’m asking for the same level of love, because I believe I possess a great quantity of the stuff, but for, well, an acknowledgement of my love towards them, I guess.
My aim in love is to make the loved feel loved. To put them on a pedestal, to give them all they need, to listen without judgment to their wishes and concerns, to be the one they can turn to without fear of needing to “pay me back” or fear of being wronged or judged. That is my love. That is what I have to offer. And not to sound as if I’m bragging or anything, but I think I’d make a good girlfriend—a good balance between being overly clingy and not present at all. A good balance between being overly concerned and not concerned at all. A good balance between friend and lover.
And that is all I have to say.
There really is no purpose of this, really.
Can you just taste the saccharine?
Love and Flash
We’re on the “loving and relationships” chapter in my social psychology class and it’s sooooo depressing.
But on a lighter note, I shall give you a preview/summary/sentence of each Flash I plan on creating next week/finals week/over break. Go!
Manifest Destiny
Yeah, this is the little preview that I was working on the night before the band trip. Yeah, it’s still not finished. Give me a break! 22 credits! Plus I made that other one, you know, the other Millard Fillmore one with Zach Taylor.
The Entire History of the United States Presidencies in Seven Minutes Flat
Just what it sounds like. Set to Sousa’s “Stars and Stripes Forever.” It’s going to be epic.
The Declaration of Independence: The Movie
George Washington gets a camcorder. He tapes the day(s) of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Hilarity ensues.
The Hypothetical Date
Involving a date with Millard Fillmore. Maybe I’ll do this one in little sections and make it one of those “make your own adventure” things, what do you think of that?
Yeah. It’s going to be one (un)productive break.
Claudia got a new toy!
Alright—despite the fact that I rarely, if ever, get called, the fact that I rarely make calls, and the fact that my old phone spent more hours in the Ag Sci computer lab than I did, I got a new phone (it was obligatory-every-two-years-free-upgrade weekend last weekend). It’s lime green on the sides! Here are pics. Ignore the stupid expressions.
Behold!
Open!
And a picture of me just messing around with my webcam. I think this was a few months ago. Sexy, eh? (gag)
Philosophia
“Logic and emotion are the complimentary entities that, when properly combined, subscribe the individual the full spectrum of human experience.”
More on this in a later blog. Haven’t fully figured out how I’m to support this claim yet. But here it is.
Oh, the anticipation!
Subtitle THIS!
I re-watched the Flash I made on Friday. I can’t understand a freaking thing they’re saying.
So I present to you: Fillmore Wars: Now with Subtitles!
Please tell me what you think of it, now that you know what they’re saying.
Vandal football = fail. Vandal Marching Band = hooray!
And just like that, the football season is over. The second year of marching band comes to a close, with the Butt Song still intact and the famous equation of 23 + 46 = 69 still in the book. However, I realized when walking home from this last game today that we failed to play even once the Sexy Back short. This will be taken up with Torrey at a future date, don’t think it won’t.
The end!
Disguising oneself as an “artist” and making Flash animations to no end
There was a country, had a prez, and Fillmore was his name-o!
M-I-L-L-A
R-D-F-I-L
L-M-O-R-E
And Fillmore was his name-o!
Millard Fillmore + Star Wars + Mario music performed on saxophone = win.
Rated PG-13 for some language and sexually suggestive content. And the phrase “butter churn”.
Please enjoy. Makes little to no sense. Another overdramatic piece of interest. Made under the influence of about 20 Jolly Ranchers.
Edit: Speakonia voices hard to understand? Ask me for the words if you’re so inclined.
Fun with Facebook
I don’t know about any of you, but I think some of Facebook’s gifts are a little…odd. So I have decided to review the ones that fall into these two categories:
1) Obscure
2) Not as Obscure But Pretty Weird Nonetheless
Okay! ONWARD!
Category One
“Basketball TP”
Okay, is there some sort of sports metaphor I’m missing on this one? I understand there’s toilet paper, and I understand there are basketballs…but the two together? Basketball-printed toilet paper? I assume you use this to TP the Facebook page of the head of the basketball team.
“Evil Eye”
This one’s just weird. At first I thought it was one of those zipper pull thingies you see on the ends of zippers, but then I wasn’t quite sure. And why, if it indeed is an “evil eye”, would you give it as a gift?
“Summer Pig”
Agh! What the hell is it?! This thing scared the crap outta me! I figured it was a pig, but it’s the most deformed pig I’ve ever seen. And since when did pigs wear swimming suits that only covered the first pair of nipples?
“Blue Spheres”
Is this a video game thing? This is the only possible definition I can think of for these blue bubble-like things that look like they’ve been poorly enlarged in MS Paint. And I can’t find any other explanation for wanting to give the gift of pixilated spheres to anyone.
“Matzah”
This is, supposedly, “Matzah”, whatever Matzah is. It isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word. Ah, I see, it’s a Hebrew thing. I get it now. But here’s the weird thing, Facebook—Matzah (also known as “Matzo”) normally comes in ball form. I see that Facebook has this as well, but to have a large square of it as a gift that resembles, to me, a saltine cracker, is kind of odd, don’t you think?
Category 2
“Boy v. Dog”
Ah, the male version of the Coppertone ads! This is just weird. I understand it…I think…but it is very weird. Show us that butt!!
The Scrabble Love Series
I just don’t understand why Facebook is trying to cheat you out of $4 with Scrabble “LOVE” when you can just give them the Screw for only a buck. Maybe it’s a representation of the idea that sex is cheaper than love, or something like that. At least they got the Scrabble values correct.
Yeah, I’m bored. Can you tell?
Haha, these are great
I have recently been made aware of this:
But why wasn’t I ever told of these?!
I am now amused.
Good memories. Good memories.
And Matt, I can’t tell if you’re amused or disturbed during that last one.
“Have a kitty!”
Claudia’s BORED!
1. What would you take from your house if you knew it would be flooded tomorrow?
I would drag my dresser out of the house because 99% of all my possessions are contained within it. And my computer. I’d put that on top.
2. If you could erase anything you ever said to anyone, what would it be?
Alexander Hamilton’s saying, “sure Aaron, I’ll duel you, what the hell.”
3. You’re stuck in a room for an hour with a chalkboard, what do you draw on it?
I wouldn’t draw. I would equate unrelated topics via mathematic formulas infinitely or until I solved the mysteries of the universe.
4. The theme song for your life is called?
SexyBack. Come on, you had to see that one coming.
5. If your life were a movie, what category would it be in?
Comedy/drama/one of those sub-par documentaries that could be classified as a comedy.
6. Something you wish to accomplish before the end of the year
Maintain my 4.0.
7. How much does it take to make you laugh?
Sometimes, a freaking lot. Most often, not much at all.
8. How many sheep do you want on your farm?
Oh, I’d say a good twenty’ll do, course the winter sickness will be rough on the young ‘uns and…wait, what?
9. Which Wizard of Oz character are you most like?
The Tin Man! The TIN MAN!!!
10. You learn through mistakes, what mistake are you glad you made?
I hate making mistakes. Yeah, blah, blah, blah, you learn from them, but they still suck.
11. Would you ever run naked in the rain with your love?
Of course! My love would love me more for it, too.
12. Do you think giant anacondas really have a purpose on this earth?
Yes. They eat the hypothetical sheep on my hypothetical farm.
13. Which is WORSE…15 pounds underweight or overweight?
15 pounds underweight.
14. Do you like eating ice cream out of the carton?
Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever done this.
15. Do you find it gross to share drinks with family or friends?
BLAH! Yes. I do this rarely if at all.
16. Does the world revolve around you?
On occasion, when I’m feeling particularly narcissistic and god-like.
17. Is everyone equally important to the world?
Yes.
18. Do some people truly deserve to die?
I don’t know, actually.
19. If the world comes to an end…how do you think it will go?
Bright lights, dolphins, cappibaras with alcoholic drinks, and George W. Bush.
20. Will artificial intelligence help better or destroy the world?
I could guarantee that artificial intelligence could run the U.S. better than no intelligence at all. Oh snap!
21. How long does it take you to get out of bed in the morning?
Well, I set one alarm for 7:00, another for 7:23, and the last for 7:30. But then I’m up for good.
22. How important is it for us to find other planets, resources and life?
Depends on how much we screw up our earth.
23. What do you think well use other planets for in the future?
I recommend that we claim at least one planet as Porno Planet, another as Danish Haven, and a third as a planet-grave-memorial for Millard Fillmore.
24. Do you think emptying our trash, pollution, and waste on the moon is okay?
Oh, by all means, let’s start polluting the universe more than we already have! Hell, it’s all there for our use and our use alone, anyways!
If you can’t detect the sarcasm, you need serious help.
25. What do you think about California?
I think it’s right manly! Manly and proper, like a crumpet infused with testosterone!
26. Is it important to you to always stay (live) close to family?
Not particularly.
27. Why are slasher films entertaining?
I don’t know. Are they?
28. Do you think it would be a good idea if dinosaurs were reborn?
Jurassic Park gone global? That would be fun/tragic!
29. What do you think about Tennessee?
I think it’s a right proper state, that.
30. What kind of animal do you think the world could live without?
Um, humans?
31. If someone invented glasses that can see through things, would you buy it?
If said glasses could see through things, what exactly could they see? I mean, I’m assuming that if it can see through things, what couldn’t it see through? What would there be left to see?
32. If you were a spider where would you crawl away and live?
My spidey-hole, where my Spidey-sense would tingle constantly and oh my goodness that sounds really dirty.
33. What do you think about pop ups? Is there a way to get rid of them?
I think they suck. You get rid of them by clicking the little ‘x’. Or throwing the computer across the room.
34. Would you prefer to be emotionless, so you didn’t have to feel heartbreak?
YES.
35. When you die, and if you become an angel, who will you watch over?
I don’t believe angels exist. But if they did and I died and I became one, I would watch over William Shatner. Cause he rocks the socks off of me.
36. If when you die, you become a ghost, would you try to contact your loved ones?
Oh heck yes! I’d get on the Discovery Channel, I’d haunt so much!
37. Would you want to haunt anyone? Who?
See above. William Shatner.
38. What does everyone live for? Could it be love?
We live to procreate. The philosophical ramifications of this question are too great to be answered in this simple survey.
40. Are emotions what make people desire to thrive and live?
No! It is our drive to make the babies!
41. Is there a way to solve world hunger that we are ignoring?
Probably. Like dropping mass amounts of Campbell’s soup cans over impoverished areas.
42. What was (God’s) reason for our creation? What does he expect us to accomplish?
God does not exist.
43. What do you think should be added to planes? Vending machines?
Haha, I love this survey. Vending machines would be interesting, but so would snakes. And Samuel Jackson.
44. Do you have a weak stomach for watching animals consume each other?
I don’t think so.
45. Do you think it’s important to conserve the rainforest?
Why of course it is!
46. Why do people move to Tornado country, when their homes will be destroyed?
Because Tornado country’s where it’s hot! I want to be a storm chaser.
47. Will technology move us forward in life or take us back to the beginning?
First one, then the other.
48. I know not what WWIII will be fought with, but WWIV will be fought with sticks and stones. What do you think of this quote?
I find it thought-provoking. But then I think it could be wrong; if WWIII is so bad, wouldn’t there be no one left to fight WWIV?
49. Do you have any quotes of your own that you admire?
My quotes or others’ quotes? Yes, but I can’t think of them right now. It’s 3:00 in the morning.
50. If you could go back in time to the dinosaur era, would you take a visit?
What’s with the dinosaurs? Wouldn’t that like, rip a hole in the universe to boot?
51. Which Holiday pretend character do you wish really existed?
Santa! He’s the MAN!
52. If leprechauns existed what would the world be like?
Like it is now, cause they do exist, right? RIGHT?!
53. Mistakes help you learn, but are there some you regret making?
Of course.
54. Do you often make the same mistake twice? Three times? Constantly?
No, actually. I’m pretty good with that.
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