Theory: Rain Makes People Stupid and Eat Sticks


No joke.

Part One: “Rain Makes People Stupid”
FOR GOD’S SAKE! I didn’t think people could get any dumber on this campus in regards to their walking behaviors, but apparently, they can. So in response to this, I am now laying down a (sarcastic) set of rules for all you people based on my observations today:

1) Being in possession of an umbrella automatically frees you from any rules involving social consideration. Your privileges include being allowed to aimlessly swerve around like a chicken with your head cut off because you fail to realize that you can actually lift your umbrella up slightly so that you can see where you’re going underneath it, carrying oversized umbrellas and not yielding to other walkers on the sidewalk because hell, you’ve got the bigger umbrella, and standing in front of doorways for five minutes as you shake the water off said oversized umbrellas while remaining totally oblivious to the fact that other people would like to pass through said doors.

2) You’re automatically allowed to amble aimlessly and at the speed of 0.000001 miles per hour down the center of sidewalks where doing so does not allow room for people to pass on either side of you because hey—everyone likes to be out in the rain for longer than is necessary, especially when they’re being delayed by a total insensitive idiot.

3) Making such incredibly blatant observations about incredibly glaring issues, such as, “your pants are wet” will be met with such serious and sincere comments such as, “gee, you’re a regular Einstein! I wondered at this sensation of wetness around my ankles and could not put my finger on what was causing it! No no, it takes true genius in the form of an observer pointing out obvious facts to relate such information to the uninformed person to which it is happening! Bravo, good sir! Bravo!”

Freaking people.

Part Two: “…and Eat Sticks”
I go to philosophy today and sit by, as always, some football player who claims to see me specifically at each game (I know I know, football player + philosophy = does not compute, bear with me here). Today, I notice he has his usual cup of overpriced coffee from the coffee shop, but is chewing on what appears to be a stick. I’d say this stick is about five inches long, and about a centimeter in diameter. “Okay,” I think, “he’s gnawing on a stick. A little strange, but I’ll swing with it.”

I swear to god the whole stick was gone by the time the professor finished lecturing.

He freaking ate a stick! I am beside myself. I will never look at football players the same again.

Side point: my philosophy teacher rocks.

 

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