Nate and I are engaged now. :)
It was definitely not expected…at least by me, at least at the beginning of the day. The weather today was garbage, so we decided to drive up to Cross Iron Mills (a mall just to the north of Calgary, and where we had our second date!) and walk around it several times to get our mileage for the day. It’s a big mall.
We did a couple loops and then Nate (probably prompted by the like 10 jewelry stores in that mall) kind of casually asks, “So if I were to ever get a ring for you, what kind would you like?” And I of course get a little flustered, ‘cause we’d talked about the fact that we wanted to get married at some point.
So I say something like, “alkfdjavgaifhnioefdhfakjdhalkefh” (gibberish, ‘cause that’s how I talk), and we keep walking around the mall. We stop at the big bookstore there, where we hung out for a good hour on our first date, and went into one of the rows of books to look around.
Then I say something like, “You know, if you were to ask me to marry you, you know what my answer would be.”
And then he asks me, right there, very nicely, if I would marry him.
And you all know what my answer was.
We walked around the mall a bit more (we needed miles!), then stopped at one of the jewelry stores and he got me a ring.
Super pretty! Sorry for crappy image quality.
Then we went to see The Force Awakens, haha.
Today marks one year since Nate and I have “officially” been together (that is, it’s been one year since our second date and since we decided we were actually factually dating).
That’s pretty damn exciting. The longest relationship I’ve had prior to this has been about 8 months, and I’ve never had a relationship that felt so stable and happy and full of trust and love.
Here’s hoping this is the first of many, many, many years together! I love you, Nate.
Why do a lot of us automatically see doing something “because of love” as a bad thing? Like suppose a person decided to abandon their current job (or whatever) and move across the country to follow someone they love. Why do we tend to look down on that, especially in comparison to someone who abandoned their current job and moved across the country to follow some other passion, like a passion to become a photographer or something?
I mean, I understand the fickleness of humanity, so I guess that’s part of it. Your passion for photography will not change its mind—the only reason it wouldn’t be important to you would be if you decided it wasn’t. Your boyfriend/girlfriend, on the other hand…
But still, when you think about it, a lot of our unhappiness comes from love-/relationship-related stuff, doesn’t it? So doesn’t that indicate that it is at least somewhat important for the human condition? I say yes. So I also say we should stop looking down on love.
Sorry, it’s like 5 AM and this is coming out of nowhere.
I’m not afraid of a lot of things. In fact, I can basically list all my fears right here:
2. touching TV screens when the TV’s on
But now that I’ve thought about it, I can add another fear to the list: the fear of being perceived as needy/clingy/overbearing/too touchy-feely in a romantic relationship.
Elaboration? Well, of course, it’s me talking, here.
So a prompt for one of my developmental psychology papers got me to thinking on this topic. Our paper was on attachment styles when we were young children. Rather than go into the details on the three attachment styles (secure, avoidant, anxious), I’ll just say that I was an anxious type, which is basically a child who is very clingy toward the mother figure, who dislikes when the mother leaves them alone, and who cries when they are alone for a long while. Our prompt was to write about how our early on attachment style affected our attachment style today. This got me thinking—when I started to go to preschool, I was always made fun of for being close to my mom, for wanting to be near her. I was that way, all through elementary school up until today, and I’d always gotten made fun of for it.
The more I think about it, the more this kind of made me want to back off in relationships (well, this and the fact that every relationship I’d ever tried to initiate ended up being a one-sided “chase”—don’t even ask).
Now don’t get me wrong—I love the physical side of relationships—touching, petting, kissing, rubbing—I freaking love that. I’m just afraid, I guess, of “going too fast” and being perceived as clingy or needy or any of that, so I just hold back.
I think this is a problem, because it basically leaves me with two options:
1) hold back, and hope the other person doesn’t think I’m not “into it”
2) essentially tell them this whole blog, and probably freak them out.
So this is where I am. I never know the appropriate “level,” hence my constant need for the other person to make the first moves and to lay out the framework of what they’re comfortable with, because honestly, I can be just as distant or clingy as anyone wants.
Please note that I do not find this “clinginess” quality unappealing in others. I find it very, very awesome, in fact. A “turn on,” if you will. I just wonder how many other people are in my situation regarding this…?
So yeah. There was really no point in this, I just felt like rambling about it ’cause it’s Saturday and I really have nothing of interest to blog about.
So you all must suffer. MUA-HA-HA!
“What is love?” A question asked so many times by a Haddaway song, but never once answered.
So I was going to save the contents of this blog for Valentine’s Day, seeing as how they pertain very nicely to that specific holiday and the feelings involved with it, but I thought “screw that” when I realized that a) this is my blog, I can type whatever I want whenever I want, and b) I’m saving Valentine’s Day for a bitter “oh pity the still single soul, lost in a sea of paired lovers and loved” piece of crap (betcha can’t wait for that, eh?). Anyway.
Obligatory disclaimer: this is Claudia’s views on and perceptions of love. This by no means is a “feel sorry for me” blog. Rather, it is a “let me explain my stance on crap” blog, a way of portraying what so few people get to portray (including myself) because they have no one to sit down and discuss this with.
I almost wish I didn’t have to, but now that I’ve had my little taste of it, I feel I must spew forth an emotional deluge of my (and I cringe at this word) “feelings” toward the concept of love and what it means for both the lover and the loved.
Onward we go!
Everyone needs to be loved. Some people feel the need to be loved more strongly than others, and others feel the need to love more strongly than others. I, I believe, am in the latter category. It’s not as if I want someone to be romantic towards me, to get me flowers, to hold me and tell me I’m pretty/smart/undeniably theirs. I want someone to love. And it has to be a two-way street, not in the sense of necessary reciprocity, but the person I’m loving must have some feelings towards me. No more of this one-sided desperation that I’ve dealt with the majority of my life.
It’s like I have this incredible drive, this incredible urge to emote in the form of love, and I will gladly do so to the first person who signals to me that they want this love and whom I deem worthy of receiving it. This is why, for me, being all alone sucks. As I’ve stated, I’ve gotten my little taste of being allowed to freely love for the first time in my life, and now I don’t have that anymore, so my urge to love has once again been bottled, and I’m looking almost desperately for a place to uncap said love onto some soul who needs it and deserves it. Metaphorically (cause Claudia loves her some metaphors), it’s like a wall of water without a channel to go through (oh, can the sappiness level of this blog increase any further?!).
And yes, I must admit that there’s the reciprocity factor for me. As I’ve said, it’s not nearly as good to love when it is unreciprocated. Some could even debate that that fails to even be love. It’s not as if I’m asking for the same level of love, because I believe I possess a great quantity of the stuff, but for, well, an acknowledgement of my love towards them, I guess.
My aim in love is to make the loved feel loved. To put them on a pedestal, to give them all they need, to listen without judgment to their wishes and concerns, to be the one they can turn to without fear of needing to “pay me back” or fear of being wronged or judged. That is my love. That is what I have to offer. And not to sound as if I’m bragging or anything, but I think I’d make a good girlfriend—a good balance between being overly clingy and not present at all. A good balance between being overly concerned and not concerned at all. A good balance between friend and lover.
And that is all I have to say.
There really is no purpose of this, really.
Can you just taste the saccharine?