Looking for the best font for you? I got the answer right here for the low low price of $19.99!
Due to several (two) conversations with several (two) people, I have decided to take several (twelve) fonts and analyze the personalities of the people who might use them!
Be aware: some of the fonts are a little hard to read. If you can’t read them, I would advise you to copy and paste them into Word and transform them into a font you can more easily read.
Also be aware: I am a dork.
Here we go!
Bauhaus 93
After much deliberation, Maggie and I decided that this was the font of Millard Fillmore (but only if it were colored fuchsia). Why?
Because it reminded us of sex. The only problem with this font is the ‘s’, but that will not be a problem unless “Millard Fillmore had promiscuous sex in Mississippi (and now has syphilis).”
No one can use this except Millard Fillmore (and his spawn).
Chiller
Ah, the good o’l serial killer font. If you use this you may very well feel the need to dress up as a clown and kill people in their bathtubs.
Curlz MT
Like, OMG! This totally reminds me of, like, those girls who are always like talking and stuff? And, you know, they like aren’t very smart? And they’re like everywhere? I totally think they’d, like, use this font!!!!!!11
Eras Light ITC
Ah, the font God uses. So perfect in its lettering and so heavenly, no mortal can use it.
Possible side-effects of this font include incredible healing powers, the ability to walk on water, the ability to rise from the dead after a short period of time, and a strong affiliation with one’s Father.
And God said, “Let there be Eras Light!”
Juice ITC
This font is probably the most inappropriately named font there is. I would never call this font “Juice,” and I’m sure that any other non-blind person would have to agree. It’s more “Stick Up My Ass ITC” than anything.
This person will appear to be a fun-loving individual, but the moment something goes wrong or a task to be completed is assigned, he’ll crush you beneath his foot and never crack a smile again. The best example of personality change in this person would be if Bill Cosby suddenly, in a nanosecond, became Hitler.
“Juice.”
Please.
OCR A Extended
Gay marriage is wrong. Abortion is wrong. George W. Bush is a great president.
Sorry…
Republican font.
Avoid at all costs.
Perpetua Tilting MT Bold
This font compels one to use black and to speak in complete sentences. One feels they must use correct capitalization, though It does not matter when typing in this font. They may feel the urge to go to Wall Street.
Playbill
This person will enjoy calling you “pardner” even if you’re their mortal enemy. They are most likely very bow-legged and are a bit too close to their horse. They will see something—–say, a pie–—and claim it is not big enough for the both of you.
On the bright side, they are very good with ropes.
Rockwell Extra Bold
Hell yeah! This guy’s a man! He eats steak! He doesn’t wear a shirt! He likes to crush cans against his forehead! He likes using the phrases “dude!” and “touchdown!” and “get me a beer, woman!”. This guy has way too much testosterone for his own good. He enjoys nachos, barbeques, and barbequed nachos.
Oh, and sex.
Showcard Gothic
This is the type of person who is on the edge of using the “chiller” font. They probably press so hard when writing that they make impressions in the table/desk/steel plate beneath the paper. They’re the 34-year-olds who have worked at burger king their entire lives and are damn bitter about it.
When you are around this person, try not to use any phrase with the word “Whopper” in it.
Viner Hand ITC
This font shows the progress of the serial killer after they’ve been in prison for several decades and have been released back into society. Note the subtle hits of “Chiller” still breaking through the “nicer” lettering.
Watch the hell out for the person who uses this font.
Wide Latin
Does this font make my words look fat?
Only people who weigh upwards of 300 pounds should use this, unless one wants to convey a physical appearance of inescapable fat rolls. I honestly can’t see this font leading to a positive result on a dating site:
Sexybabe69: Hay there sexi ;) !!!
Joe100: Hello
Joe100: hold on]
Joe100: font chnge
Sexybabe69: hurry back k
Joe100: alright im back
Joe100: sexybabe
[sexybabe69 logged off]
Joe100: ello
Joe100: dam
See what I mean? Fonts can mess with people. I urge you to take this list to heart, no matter how crappily thrown together it is.
Special thanks to: Aneel (Thursday’s victim) and Maggie (Friday’s victim).
Oh crap…2007…
HAPPY NEW YEAR, PEOPLE!
Also, today is yet another blog anniversary. I’m not even keeping track anymore, dangit.
Anyways, this one’s for you, Maggie:
The explanation as to why Spork=Insanity
SPORK
Pork=bacon
SBACON
Bacon=”inside” a pig. Use the “in” and put it on the left “side” of “sbacon.”
INSBACON
Bacon can sometimes be unsanitary. Replace “bacon” with “unsanitary.”
INSUNSANITARY
The sun has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Delete it.
INSANITARY
To rid the word of the “a” and the “r”, think of something that starts with those two letters. Like AR (accelerated reader) books. Did you have to read those in junior high? Didn’t you hate that? Don’t you want to rid your mind of the experience? Yes? Good. Delete the “a” and the “r.”
INSANITY
What’s in a name? A whole lotta crap in 2006, apparently…
So, being bored as I often am, I decided to look the top 10 boy/girl names of 2006. After looking at the lists, I felt that I could make more fun of the boys names. So here it is.
Here we go!
1. Aiden
“Salt can Aiden the production of the slime layer and speed up the healing of some wound sites.”
It’s probably not a good idea to use a name that can be used (and make sense) in this sentence. However, seeing the rising stupidity of Americans, it’s no wonder why this is the top name nowadays.
2. Jacob
Oh noes! The only acronym I can come up with for this name is “Jumbo Ass Capsizes the Oarsman’s Boat”…not a good sign, people. Not a good sign.
3. Ethan
Google “Ethan” and you get Ethan Allen, Ethan Hawke, and Ethan Coen, in that order.
I used to know an Ethan. I think I beat him up once or twice. Lemme tell you something, people: it’s pretty bad when an “Ethan” (name meaning: solid) gets beat up by a “Claudia” (name meaning: lame).
4. Ryan
I actually like this name (I bet some of the people who went to high school with me can guess why!). Nice and plain, and it has that long “i” sound in it. I like long “i’s”. They’re hot.
5. Matthew
Gesundheit.
6. Jack
Another good name. It’s manly. It’s a name given to boys with A.D.D., gambling addictions, or to jesters who enjoy being “–in-the-box.” May develop a large, white head with an unmoving mouth that is prone to promoting hamburgers.
7. Noah
Oh Noah! It’s Noah! This child will be good at building things and counting to two. He will probably be born under a water sign. Do not use this unless his last name is “‘s Ark”.
8. Nicholas
Unless he develops a belly that resembles a bowlful of jelly and a fondness for cookies and milk (and a skill for breaking and entering), this child will be forever plagued with being called a “ho-ho-ho” as well as frivolous lawsuits from children claiming that he somehow knows when they’re sleeping and also when they’re awake.
9. Joshua
This boy will be tall as a tree. Birds will nest in him. Yucca moths will swarm him annually. U2 will name an album after him. In other words, this is not a good choice (unless you live Where the Streets Have No Name).
10. Logan
Sounds like some awful thing people chant at a sporting event, doesn’t it? “Looooo-gan….Loooooooooo-gan…Loooooooooo-gan…YOU SUCK!”
From “Aquarius” to “Virgo,” no one is safe!
I’m surprised I haven’t done this yet:
MY RANKING OF THE ZODIAC!! I hope I don’t insult anyone…
1. Aquarius—Mozart. Chekov. Lincoln. Darwin. What do all these kick-ass dudes have in common? THEY’RE AQUARIANS! Aquarians seemed to be destined either for greatness (Mozart) or great disaster (Dan Quayle). Either way, you’ve got an interesting character! Win!
2. Scorpio—with the nickname of, “the sex sign”, how could I NOT put Scorpio second on the list? Favorite activities include having sex, thinking about sex, and thinking about sex with someone other than the person with whom they are currently having sex. Favorite numbers include 69 and 96. Favorite letters are X, X, and X. I love these guys.
3. Leo—ah, yes…the “but enough about me, what do you think about me?” people. The narcissists. How could one not love a narcissist (especially the narcissist himself)? They like the mirror rooms at the fair. They like to masturbate.
Um…yeah.
I think I’ve run this one into the ground.
4. Capricorn—what the hell is a “sea goat?” It’s like a Pisces mated with a Sagittarius or something. Hmm…a fish getting it on with a centaur…
Okay, that’s done with. Except for my dad, all the Capricorn’s I’ve met (all three of them!) have been pretty cool.
5. Taurus—these people seem to cling to me, for some reason. What’s up with that? Why do I get along with Taureans so well? Maybe it’s because they’re so nice—or maybe because, deep down, they know that I’m just full of bull.
NOTE: do not attempt to run down the streets of Spain while being chased by these guys. You’ll get messed up.
6. Libra—haha, Librans. There are the good ones—my cat—and the annoying ones—Aneel’s brother. Some are vindictive and needy in a good way, others are vindictive and needy in the typical way the words “vindictive” and “needy” are perceived. Haha, Librans. Love ’em.
7. Virgo—The obsessive-compulsive, nit-picky, hypochondriac of the zodiac group. Either you love ’em or you hate ’em. Unless you are one, and in that case, you’re probably too busy making sure the margins of this blog are in the correct format to actually read what I wrote.
8. Pisces—I honestly don’t have anything against Pisces…I just can never spell “Pisces” correctly.
9. Aries—Mr. Hothead. Mr. A.D.D. These guys are great. Candida’s an Aries, which explains away a freaking lot of her screeching. If all Aries are like Candida, then the whole world will go completely deaf in approximately 7 years.
10. Gemini—I’ve only met one Gemini, so I don’t really have much to base my argument off of. Therefore, Gemini goes right under the last sign (of which I’ve met more than two people)
11. Cancer—Kinda in the same situation as Gemini, only worse—I’ve never met a Cancer (well, of course I have, but not for a long enough period to get to know them). So here they sit—in 11th place, just because I’ve never made contact with one.
12. Sagittarius—I’ve met a Sagittarius. I’ve met many of them. I have yet to figure one of these people out. Seriously. No consistent traits whatsoever. People of every other sign share at least one similar trait—at least, they do in my eyes. But not the little Sagittarians. Are they fickle? Are the neat-freaks? Are they psychopaths? Who knows? I certainly don’t.
It’s organism time!!
Do: a buck, or more than a buck
Ray: the guy who earned the buck
Me: the person who stole the buck
Fa: where I’m running to with my buck!
So: I think I’ll buy a candy bar
La: the sound I make cause the candy bar tastes like crap
Ti: a nice alternative to the crappy candy bar
And that brings us back to Do (another buck!)
How overdone is this song? I like my version, though.
Don’t pay any attention to anything I say.
How long can these subject headings be, anyway? I mean can you just ramble on and oh here it is
I’m calling this a game, but it’s more of a psychological profiling type thing I devised last night in a moment of strangeness (one of many!).
You are given this question:
A quantum physicist, a lawyer, and a cat are placed into a white 10×10 room. They are given the question: “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound?” and asked to answer it. They are locked in the room and given no food or toiletry items. After twenty-four hours, the door is unlocked and the subjects are removed. Who is the victor, the quantum physicist, the lawyer, or the cat?
Your task is to answer the question with a full and complete (a sentence or so) detailed report of how you came to your answer and why you think you are correct.
The first person to answer correctly wins a free lap dance!
I’m not kidding!
Aneel, you already have a head start, but I suggest you get moving. I know you want that lap dance.
Ants in Thou’st Pants
They have Girl Scouts.
They have Boy Scouts.
Why don’t they have Hermaphrodite Scouts?
Or a Transgender Scouts?
Think of the bonfire stories!
Please forgive this blog.
It’s Crunchtastic!
What if this were you?
Would you be embarrassed?
Would those around you, your enemies–even your friends, laugh at you?
Would you cry?
…
Would you die?
Head injuries account for 34% of all traumatic deaths in the United States.
How many of those are from falling down stairs?
So take this little animation to heart.
Do not fall down stairs.
Forgive this blog. Insanity ensues at this time of night. I want a cheeseburger now.
10 things you didn’t know about me
I CHALLENGE YOU….
…to do this list yourself! Just make your own list of 10 things you don’t think anyone knows about yourself (except for yourself, obviously. Duh.) and post it here so I can read it and I can further heighten my stalking—er, friendship with you.
And…go!
1. I wish I were British (or talked with a British accent at least).
2. I actually like it when people assume I dye my hair because it makes me feel special when I tell them I don’t.
3. I used to think that cells were made of “special” material (rather than atoms).
4. I got started wearing bright clothes because people always assumed I was a Goth (then the brightness kinda took off…look where I am today, fools! BWA HA HA!).
5. I think blonde hair is hot.
6. I almost majored in glaciology.
7. I used to have a thing for George Washington (a long time ago, people, give me a break).
8. Now I have a thing for General Grant.
9. VIRGIN!! (many of you probably guessed this just from knowing me).
10. I’m weirder than you think I am…
That was harder than I thought it would be. I guess I tend to tell people a lot of random facts about myself. Oh well.
AHOY!
Euthanasia
Get it?
Holy crap, I need a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Or a sock puppet with a personality.
I amuse myself
There’s all this hype about the movie “Snakes on a Plane”, correct?
And there’s that “Badger Badger Badger” animation, right?
Well here ya go (imagine the tune with these lyrics):
Airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane…Samuel Jackson!
Airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane…Samuel Jackson!
Airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane…Samuel Jackson!
Airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane…
Snakes! It’s snakes! Oooh, lots of snakes! It’s an….
Airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane airplane…
Repeat ad nauseum.
Like it? I do.
Who are you and what have you done with my pants?
So anyway…
I looked everywhere on the Internet and couldn’t find this, so I’d figure I’d start it.
So from now on…September 28th will be forever known as International Talk Like a Brit day.
Have a crumpet!
…seriously…do it, I dare ya!
Shining moments in my quotation history…
…because shameless self-promotion is what I’m all about!
Here we go…
~”For someone who isn’t a vacuum, you sure do suck.” (Girl Scout camp)
~”MANIFESTATION!” (Pedro)
~”Nebraska: The “N” is for Knowledge!” (MSN name)
~”I’m an astrophysicist, and I’m studying Uranus.” (MSN name)
~”My butt makes Uranus look small (pun intended).” (MSN name)
~”Never again will I let a Kit-Kat eat ME!” (MSN name)
~”The Tusk knows all!” (that one night at University Inn)
~”Invite them over for a scrambled egg jamboree! With cyanide. Jamboree! Seriously, serve ’em up. ‘Want some scrambled eggs?’ ‘Oh, now nice!’ ‘Here ya go!’ ‘Mmm, what is this, cyanide?’ ‘The very best!’ ‘My throat’s closing up!’ ‘Have a nice day now!’ Problem solved.” (response to ‘what do I do when people are egging my house?”)
~”You’re going down like Jacob’s birthday cake!” (me being mean)
~That whole rendition of To Kill a Mockingbird in porn style (11th grade)
~(to the “Mickey Mouse” song) “K-I-D, N-E-Y, S-T-O-N-E! Kidney stone! *clap clap* Kidney stone! *clap clap* (last year)
I’ll add more when I fish my brain out of the library’s book drop-off bin.
Let’s play “Which is Hottest?”!
Boredom sets in on Sundays . Anyway, I’m sitting here with this little press-button temperature gauge. If you point it at something and press the button, it tells the ambient temperature surrounding the object.
I’ve been noticing that the air that comes out of my computer’s vent as well as the metal light above my desk are both extremely hot.
So now, as a little fun game, let’s play WHICH IS HOTTEST? Is it…
a) the air coming out of my computer, or
b) the metal light?
Well, the answer, of course, is E’raina .
But seriously.
The air coming out of my computer is a pleasantly warm 101.1 degrees, while the metal light is a cozy 130.1 degrees.
We have a winner!
Thanks for playing. Your winnings will be tallied, multiplied by .05%, squared, factored, then deducted from your taxes. In the end you will receive nothing. In fact, you’ll probably end up owing us money.
Well THIS would suck…
Today I went home and was helping my mom with some surveys she had to send out for the U of I water quality program, and while I was licking the envelopes, I saw the name of this one guy and where he lived:
Harry George
Climax Rd.
Think about that for a minute.
Now laugh.
Man, I’d hate to be this guy interviewing for a job at a top company or something.
~ Interviewer: What is your name, sir?
~ Mr. George: Harry George.
~ Interviewer: And where do you live?
~ Mr. George: Climax Road.
~ Interviewer: Amusing, Mr. George. Now, what is your address?
~ Mr. George:…Climax Road.
~ Interviewer: Look, sir, we don’t have time for this. I have five more potential employees to interview after you. Now please just tell me your address.
~ Mr. George: Climax Road!
~ Interviewer: Okay, I’ve been more then patient with you, Mr. George. We here at Nike do not look kindly upon such adolescent behavior. Please exit the premises.
~ Mr. George: But…but…
Etc.
No offense to you, Harry George, but I would move.
*Theme from “The Twilight Zone*
Weird thing happened today…
So a couple weeks ago, we go to Mongolian BBQ and I get this fortune which says, “Opportunity is just around the corner”.
We go again today, and I get the exact same fortune!
What’re the odds? Perhaps my opportunity is college.
Or a traffic accident involving a blind corner. You never know.
Cleaning = no more!
Yay!
I finally finished cleaning everything! I am very happy and now very bored, considering that cleaning was what was filling up most of my day for the past two weeks or so.
Meh. At least I’m done.
Mondays with Maury
Though I probably should have finished cleaning the office today, I was getting sick of picking up crap and instead spent the whole day watching a “Maury” marathon on TV while drawing stupid things on MS paint (you all know my talent with that!).
My best one was one where I drew two pieces of carbon, with one giving the other some flowers (carbon dating!!)
(Man, I need a life…)
By the way, kudos to anyone who got my title reference to “Tuesdays with Morrie”.
Legos are here!
Holy crap…I got all these new Lego people today and they were so cool I almost had a seizure.
The colors…the props…the hair (especially the female hair)!
Movies shall begin soon!
Blisters from hell
We were at sea all day today, and I didn’t really have to walk anywhere. Which was good, considering that I have blisters all over my feet from dancing last night. A good piece of advice: never do The Twist for three hours barefoot on a glass floor unless you want to feel like you’ve just gotten your feet amputated. Ouch.
Plus, it was the second formal night tonight, so I had to wear my high heels again, which I started to call “high hells” because my feet hurt so awfully bad!
Blisters suck. But I rocked at dancing. People told me that they wanted me to dance again. I told them I would…if I didn’t have blisters.
More geekiness (and some “dork”)
I have no life. This has been established.
For those of you who also don’t have a life and are as geeky as me, here are two cool things to download:
1) This is a really friggin’ cool interactive Periodic Table of the Elements. You can read all sorts of interesting facts about each element as well as sort them by melting point, boiling point, mass, etc. Fun fun!
2) Wee! This lets you zoom around the solar system and orbit the planets. Very good graphics.
By the way, if any of you remember when I first emailed you The Desert, I would appreciate it if you would remind me–I can’t remember when I created it.
And ANOTHER thing–I find it interesting that we call socially inept people “dorks”. A dork is a whale’s penis.
…are whales’ penises socially inept?
S.O.S.: what could it mean?
There’s this misconception that the phrase “S.O.S.” stands for “Save Our Ship”. However, the theory goes that the letters “s” and “o” are easiest to type out in Morse code (all dots for one and all dashes for the other), hence the reason they were chosen. I guess people wouldn’t want to be typing out, “Good day, fellow sea-farers. We are in need of assistance and we would appreciate you good fellows helping us out of a tough situation. Cheerio!” I mean, it just makes sense.
However, just because there’s this theory about what S.O.S. means doesn’t necessarily mean that that’s what is really stands for.
So I shall take it upon myself to list several “alternative” meanings of S.O.S.
And…go!
– Skim Our Soy Milk
– Spay Our Spaniel
– Sauce Our Spaghetti
– Spank Our Stripper
– Stomach Our Sauerkraut
– Stand Our Stench
– Spell Out “Sequester”
– Sanctity Of Sex (it’s in the Bible!)
– Slough Off Scabs (ew.)
– Sleep Off Sedatives
– See Our Sex-Parts
That’s all I could get right now–mainly cause it’s late and my eyes itch from allergies.
Which one’s your favorite? Vote now to be eligible to win $1 million!*
*Actual chances of winning: 1:1.0385030284 x 1028. This is due mainly to the fact that I do not have $1 million, nor do I have any way to obtain this large sum of money. Do you honestly think that if I had $1 million that I would be sitting here at 10:30 at night writing about the possible meaning of “S.O.S.”?” Me neither. I’ll shut up now.
Cardboard boxes ROCK!
Today was so fun! Hunter and I “raced” in a cardboard box down the hall and I mauled him and he tried to kill me and I almost lost my pants! Apparently he won, but I think it was fixed.
It was so cool! I think it should be an Olympic sport.
…
I’ll call it “boxing”.
My new best friend, Tampy!
Holy crap! I came up with the greatest machine thingy ever today!!
I had this silver hand fan with me at school for my Rube-Goldberg project for physics. During lunch, I tied a tampon (unused, of course, and don’t ask why I had one) to one of the fabric blades. The little doodad took off! It was so cool! Aneel, of course, was terrified of it, and, of course, it kept going over to him. If I get the fan back, I’ll take a video of it and put it up here.
I love my new friend. He rocks my socks.
Shameless Self-Promotion, Ren Fair, and Jell-o
I am shocked. I made it to my 6th post without promoting my website!! HOLY CRAP!
Check it out; it’s really cool. I recommend “The Heart Project.”
On to Ren Fair: I had to work from 3-5 today at the Band Booster booth making snow-cones. Hooray. Jacob was there, so I had someone to torture. Snow cones are gross, but at least I didn’t get stuck stirring the nasty plastic cheese and the vomit chili. Ew.
Also, I took some…er…”creative” pictures of expired Jell-o today. Very odd. I shall post them sometime in the near future…SINCE I’M DONE WITH MY GOVERNMENT FINAL AND MY TWO AP EXAMS!!!!!
Eigenblogger 