Blog 554: In Which Claudia Pretends to be Awesome
(I’m hyped up on about 30 apple Jolly Ranchers at the moment (screw moderation!)—asking for forgiveness in advance)
A Survey I Want All of You Weirdos To Fill Out In Your Glorious Comments To This Blog
1. Claudia has a Flash project that is underway as this is being typed. It is a teaser/trailer for a possible upcoming Flash entitled, “Manifest Destiny: The Story of the Presidents.” Does this intrigue you?
[ ] Mightily!
[ ] Indeed!
[ ] Wait, what?
[ ] stfu u dont kno falsh lol!!!11
2. It is stated in the above question that this is either a “teaser,” meaning that the longer Flash stated in it will not be made, or a “trailer,” indicating that the longer Flash will be made, eventually. Which do you prefer?
[ ] Teaser. Claudia needs to focus on her schoolwork and 22+ credits next semester.
[ ] Trailer. Claudia needs to entertain her friends before they revolt and realize that all she’s good for is typing random surveys in her blogs and making them fill them out.
[ ] Ballroom dance!
3. The best-fitting definition of a “Claudia” is:
[ ] God
[ ] An appletini
[ ] A being of unsurpassable awesomeness
[ ] A being that uses C6H12O6 + 6O2 to make 6CO2, 6H20, and crazy-ass Flash animations
That is all. Please write on the top of your survey your student ID and favorite pair of underwear.
I used to work at a bridal shop specializing in headdresses. My work there was to know a veil.
This blog is destined not to make any sense (this is good to know, you hooligans!)
I’ve set the scene for an interrogation. You are a D-cup bra. In the seat next to you is a potted plant (of the cactus variety). You and Mr. Prickles (the cactus) caused quite a commotion at a local nightclub last night. However you, being a bra, can’t remember a single thing. And Mr. Prickles isn’t talking. It is up to you and your razor sharp negotiation skills to persuade Mr. Prickles to confess to both you and the heavily-cologned officer across the table the goings on of last night. The tools at your disposal include:
-a book of matches
-three copies of War and Peace (unabridged)
-a piece of wedding cake
-Dr. Phil
The egg timer on the table is set at 56 minutes. It is ticking down. Quickly, my bra-like friend, what do you do?!
a) I quickly grab the book of matches and begin threatening Mr. Prickles with a burning match whilst distracting the officer by giving him a copy of War and Peace to read and entertaining Dr. Phil with the tasty slice of cake.
b) I enlist Dr. Phil to counsel Mr. Prickles into speaking, while the officer and I share the piece of cake after propping it up on the three copies of War and Peace.
c) I set the three copies of War and Peace on fire while all of us share the piece of cake and dance around the bon fire of glory.
d) I watch in amazement as Mr. Prickles constructs an elaborate escape using just three matches and Dr. Phil’s tie. I then pummel the officer with copy after copy of War and Peace as Mr. Prickles and I escape to the roof.
e) Dr. Phil threatens us with a lighted match until we all promise to stop making fun of his accent.
f) I act as a priest, reading out the wedding ceremony from a copy of War and Peace while the officer and Mr. Prickles realize their love for each other and get married, thus putting the wedding cake to good use.
g) I cough up a lung and Mr. Prickles and I take a cab to downtown New York.
You must choose! All of you!
And yes, I did have a bit of sugar tonight, how could you tell?
“Hey everyone, let’s do some mother%#*^ing drugs!”
Man, I’m bored. This has nothing to do with anything. Impending finals tomorrow.
Do me like a crossword puzzle!
“Ah! My dear Watson! I do believe I’ve solved the riddle of my constant coldness! If you examine the evidence closely (and by “examining the evidence” I mean observing the result I obtained by taking my temperature every 30 minutes over the course of one day) you will see that my internal body temperature never rises above 97.8 degrees! Furthermore, Watson—you sexy beast, you—I have found that this internal temperature dropped below the hypothermia threshold (approximately 96.8 degrees) on twelve separate occasions!
“Now I know what you’re saying, Watson (you man-beef you, I want you in my bed chamber later): ‘Sir, your argument holds little water. I know, as you do, that body temperature varies from person to person. Your body’s average temperature may in fact be a significant amount lower than your peers, therefore rendering this ‘normal’ hypothermia threshold marking irrelevant. However, I do say that this lower temperature has no effect on your sexual urges.’
“Indeed,” I would say in response, “you are correct regarding my sexual urges. However, you fail to provide an adequate argument regarding your other points. I fail to recognize the idea that my body temperature would naturally be low enough to consider such a low temperature of, in one case, 94.7, as ‘normal’ and ‘healthy.’
He: “But sir, you are, as I recall, anemic.”
Me: “No longer! I have conquered the beast that is anemia months ago and it has remained conquered!”
He: “Ah! I see your brilliance now! May I recline now upon your floor and bid you to do what you wish of me!”
Me: “Oh-ho! I see you want more of what you got last night!”
Etc., etc.
So yeah. I’m a freaking hypothermic little weirdo.
Waiter! There’s a quadriplegic in my Jazzercise class!
What’s up with me and the quadriplegic/paraplegic jokes? Anyway, down to business!*
*none of this should be taken seriously. Seriously.
An Exposition on Paleontology In Which Several Points Must Be Made
Point 1: In Which Is Written A Strongly-Worded Letter To Jack London
Dear Mr. London,
Having just read your short story “To Build a Fire,” I have several questions regarding the coldness of the territory in which your character, “the man,” was wandering about.
Repeated six times in 11 pages is some variation of the phrase, “it was cold.” Your exact words are:
“It certainly was cold, he concluded”,
“Once in a while the thought reiterated itself that it was very cold”,
“It certainly was cold”,
“It certainly was cold, was his thought”,
“There was no mistake about it, it was cold”, and
“It certainly was cold, was his thought”.
On completion of this story I found that there might be some confusion over whether or not it was cold in this Alaskan territory. Other readers and I would benefit greatly if you were to state clearly—on multiple occasions, perhaps, even repeating yourself—how cold it actually was (that is, if it was cold at all).
Thank you in advance,
Sir Isaac Newton (not that one, a different one).
Point 2: In Which The Riddle Of The Double-Dream-Marriage To William Shatner Is Discussed
Dear Brain,
It has come to my attention that you, on more occasions than one, have found it rather humorous to have me marry William Shatner in my dreams. This has occurred now both in the months of February and March.
While William Shatner is indeed a dignified character, and while we both share several similar activities and hobbies, such as appearing in Kellog’s All-Bran cereal commercials on the side (thank you, Wikipedia), I do feel it is time for a change.
I would appreciate it, my dear Brain, if you would delve into the past a bit, and conjure up images of Voltaire, Descartes, or Locke. Seeing as how Voltaire is the only man who dared show a smirk in his portraits, I would prefer him.
Oh Brain, how I wish for Voltaire in my dreams tonight.
Thank you in advance,
Me (you know me, don’t you?).
Point 3: In Which My Severe Aversion To Romanticism And My Longing To Return To The Study Of The Enlightenment Is Discussed
Dear English Department,
While I realize how necessary it is to delve into all forms and time periods of English literature, I do strongly recommend that we return to the study of the Enlightenment. It is so much more intriguing and enchanting than Romanticism. While Frankenstein’s creation and Rousseau’s raunchy “Confessions” do it for some, others, like myself, prefer the wit of Voltaire and the steady reasoning logic of Descartes.
Please see Point 2 above, disregarding the first part about Mr. Shatner.
Thank you in advance,
Some Random Student.
The Second Continental Chatroom
THIS IS WHAT I DO WHEN I’M BORED.
This is my attempt to describe the events (or the night, more accurately) leading up to the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia, as well as the writing of the Declaration of Independence, if the founding fathers had had computers, the internet, and a chatroom or two. Done in an hour.
Note #1: this is about as historically accurate as scientology is a credible theory, so keep that in mind while you read it (although some things that are thrown in there have some historical context). It’s mainly for entertainment.
Note #2: I tried to use “chatroom dialogue” for this thing. So that’s why like every third word is incorrectly spelled and/or an abbreviation.
Okay, that’s all. Enjoy!
The Second Continental Chatroom.
10 founding fathers.
2 chatrooms.
1 hell of a ride.
Here’s the key to the names:
GeorgeW = George Washington
Hancocky = John Hancock
AllAboutTheBenjamins = Benjamin Franklin
Tom = Thomas Jefferson
JMad = James Madison
John1776 = John Adams
Sammy = Samuel Adams
Alex = Alexander Hamilton
Liberty1000 = Patrick Henry
Sensible1 = Thomas Paine
TheKing = King George
>>>>>>>Logging on: Chatroom25<<<<<<<
(AllAboutTheBenjamins signed on)
(GeorgeW signed on)
(Alex signed on)
(Tom signed on)
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Testing, testing…
GeorgeW: hello?
(John1776 signed on)
(Liberty1000 signed on)
(Sammy signed on)
John1776: is it working
Alex: yeah it is
Liberty1000: hi guyzzzzzzzzzzzz
(JMad signed on)
(Sensible1 signed on)
Sammy: awesome invention ben :P
Tom: yeah best so far
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Thanks guys
AllAboutTheBenjamins: I call it the “chatroom”
AllAboutTheBenjamins: I stole the patent from the English :P
John1776: lol
JMad: oh noes!
Sensible1: Haha
Alex: ho hum
Sammy: wat do we do now
(TheKing signed on)
TheKing: Teh King is hear!
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Uh-oh
JMad: its geourge
John1776: lol brit
Tom: hi geourge ;)
TheKing: shut up I don’t hvae a u in my name
Sammy: why r u folowing us around
Sammy: give us space
TheKing: stop running awy from me
TheKing: y arnt we friends anymore
Alex: cuz ur anoying
TheKing: no im not
Tom: yes you are
John1776: u keep telling us wat to do
John1776: and wont leave us alone
John1776: stop it
TheKing: shut up im the best guy youll ever meet
TheKing: im the kign
John1776: yea right
TheKing: >:(
TheKing: no!
TheKing: I am teh king!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
TheKing: I rule!
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Wow, he’s getting annoying.
Alex: k guys lets move 2 a diffrent room
Tom: k
(Alex signed off)
(AllAboutTheBenjamins signed off)
John1776: alrite
(Sensible1 signed off)
(Tom signed off)
(John1776 signed off)
GeorgeW: byebye gourge
(GeorgeW signed off)
(JMad signed off)
(Liberty1000 signed off)
Sammy: :P
TheKing: NO STAY HERE
(Sammy signed off)
TheKing: DAMN
>>>>>>>>Logging on: Chatroom05<<<<<<<<<<
(Alex signed on)
(John1776 signed on)
(AllAboutTheBenjamins signed on)
Alex: this is much better
(JMad signed on)
(Sammy signed on)
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Indeed.
(Sensible1 signed on)
(Tom signed on)
Alex: where’d pat go?
John1776: I dunno we mustve lost him
(GeorgeW signed on)
Alex: omg gorge is so dum
John1776: No kidding lol
GeorgeW: :(
Alex: No not you geogre
Alex: teh other 1
GeorgeW: o okay
John1776: ur teh cool george
GeorgeW: thx <3
JMad: btw did you see aaron today
John1776: lol ya
John1776: those socks where so stupid
JMad: ill give u 10 virginia dollars if u shout burrs a grrl next time u see him
John1776: lol deal
Alex: god i hate him
Alex: i wish i could shoot him
John1776: lol ur so vilent
Alex: hey he deserves it
John1776: youd prolly be the one 2 die, lol
(Liberty1000 signed on)
JMad: hey patrick
JMad: pat pat patty pat patrick patty pat pat pat patrick patricio pat patty fat pat patty patrick pat pat patty pat
Liberty1000: what
JMad: hi :P
John1776: lol
Tom: so ben wat did u do over in france
AllAboutTheBenjamins: The question SHOULD read, “WHO did I do over in France”
Sensible1: :O
GeorgeW: ( . Y . )
Liberty1000: omg u seriussssssssss
AllAboutTheBenjamins: ;)
AllAboutTheBenjamins: You know what I say
AllAboutTheBenjamins: “Girlies in bed and girlies when rise makes life healthy and full of surprise”
John1776: lol
John1776: u mite wanna change that for teh public
AllAboutTheBenjamins: I probably will
AllAboutTheBenjamins: What rhymes with “girlie?”
Tom: surly
Sensible1: Burly
Alex: curley
GeorgeW: early
Liberty1000: twirrly
AllAboutTheBenjamins: “Early” sounds good; I’ll try that
John1776: your so lucky ben i wish i could go to france
John1776: but abby would kill me
Sammy: lol
JMad: *whip crack*
John1776: :( tahts not nice
JMad: sorry
(Hancocky signed on)
Alex: uhoh guys better behave
Alex: hancocks online</span>
John1776: oh crap lol
Hancocky: WTF IS UP GUYZ
Alex: lol hi john
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Hey Johnny
Hancocky: THERES MY MAN
Hancocky: HEY JOHN ADAMS
John1776: lol hey john hancock
Hancocky: TANKS FOR GETTIN THOSE SUGAR ACT GUYZ OFF MY BACK DUDE
John1776: np
Sensible1: hey hancock wanna get a smaller font
Hancocky: NO
Hancocky: I LIKE IT THIS WAY
Sensible1: w/e
Sensible1: Why are you so obnoxious, john?
Hancocky: WTF PAINE
GeorgeW: yea dude
GeorgeW: you think your so hi and mighty just cuz your writing a book
GeorgeW: anyone could do that
Tom: i wish i could write something good :(
JMad: awwww poor t.j.
John1776: u can write good tom
Sammy: we <3 u Thomas
Tom: aw thnx :)
JMad: btw sam what do you have going on in your basement
JMad: ?
Sammy: nothin
JMad: liar
JMad: i kno you have beer lol
Hancocky: OMG WHERE
JMad: Sammys got beer in his basement
Alex: holy crap sam adams beer rocks
GeorgeW: u should pee in a bottle and sent it to geourge
John1776: lol
Alex: i h8 geourge
Alex: >:(
Sammy: me too
AllAboutTheBenjamins: I think we need to lay down the law with him.
Alex: definitely
Hancocky: TOTALLY
Tom: yes
Tom: it becomes nesessary for one people to disolve the political bands which have connected them with another
Tom:and to assume among the powers of the Earth the seperate and equal station to wich the laws of nature & of natures god entitle them
Tom: a decent respect to the opinons of man kind requires that they should declare the causes with impell them to the seperation
Tom: :P
GeorgeW: wow
JMad: dude write that down
Tom: haha, sriously?
Sammy: ya
John1776: do it
Alex: and add more
Tom: k
Hancocky: TOTALLY BASH GEOURGE IN IT TOO
John1776: yea write down all the crap hes done to us
Alex: ^ this
Tom: k what has he done
AllAboutTheBenjamins: He appointed those judges that were completely biased
JMad: those damn brit soldiers everywhere
JMad: can’t get them out of my house
Hancocky: I CAN’T TRADE DAMMIT
John1776: that doesnt stop u
John1776: lol
Alex: Taxes!!
Hancocky: I WAS ON TRIAL BECAUSE I TRIED TO TRADE BUT THERE WAS NO JURY
Sammy: i had to go back to england to go on trail
Sammy: sea sickness and all
Liberty1000: I’m boreed
Liberty1000: somebody talk 2 me
Sammy: l8r
Liberty1000: pleeeeeeeeeeeeeez
Liberty1000: pm me
Sammy: no were busy
Liberty1000: Give me a pm or give me death!!!11
Hancocky: DUDE SHUT UP
Alex: ya seriously u say that about everythign
Liberty1000: I do not
AllAboutTheBenjamins: You said it about my bran muffin the other morning
AllAboutTheBenjamins: I gave it to you too because I thought you were being serious
John1776: lol
Liberty1000: fine then
(Liberty1000 signed off)
Tom: k anyways wat else has he done
Tom: ?
JMad: remember when we all had 2 go to england for that stupid meetign
JMad: that counts
GeorgeW: he keeps overrulling our laws
Tom: k one sec
Tom: allright its done
John1776: tom ur teh 1337
Hancocky: OGM YOU NEED TO SEND THIS TO GEOURGE
Hancocky: WE SHOULD ALL SIGN IT
Hancocky: I CALL FIRST
Sensible1: I dont know why youre all getting excited about what he’s writing
Sensible1: I mean all of its just common sense
JMad: Paine, stfu
John1776: lol paine
John1776: ur all about the common sense crap
Sensible1: Hey its a good idea
Sensible1: Its better then toms stupid thing
Hancocky: DON’T DIS TEH TOM
GeorgeW: seriously
JMad: i say we send paine to give this to geourge
Sammy: second dat
Sensible1: This is ridiculous
(Sensible1 signed off)
John1776: lol
(TheKing signed on)
TheKing: BWAHAHA IM BACK
GeorgeW: oh ****
Tom: haha hi geourge :P
JMad: hey geourge, asl?
TheKing: wtf
JMad: *takes off wig and outer tunic*
John1776: lol
TheKing: u guys r sick
Alex: I <3 YOU GEOURGE!!!
TheKing: ew
Sammy: hey geourge
TheKing: wat
Sammy: ur tea sux
John1776: lol
Hancocky: OMG BURRRN
TheKing: u guys are rediculous
Tom: hey gourge we have something to show you
(>TheKing received Declaration.doc from Tom<)
TheKing: u will all regret this
(TheKing signed off)
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Hooray! He’s gone!
Alex: bring it on king…we got the cool george
GeorgeW: :)
Hancocky: HEY GUYZ WE SHOULD TOTALLY MEET SOMEWHERE AND PLOT SOME MORE
Alex: ya
Sammy: i can brign some beer
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Where should we go?
Alex: theres taht old building in philadelphia
GeorgeW: ok cool
Tom: k
John1776: see u there guys
(John1776 signed off)
(Sammy signed off)
AllAboutTheBenjamins: Alright, I’ll be there
(Tom signed off)
(GeorgeW signed off)
(Alex signed off)
JMad: me too
(AllAboutTheBenjamins signed off)
(JMad signed off)
Hancocky: THIS IS GONNA BE SO COOL
(Hancocky signed off)</font>
(Liberty1000 signed on)
Liberty1000: guyzzzzzzzz
(Sensible1 signed on)
Liberty1000: where did u all go
Sensible1: Hello?
Liberty1000: paine!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Sensible1: Oh god no
(Sensible1 signed off)
Liberty1000: hello
Liberty1000: dangit
(Liberty1000 signed off)
The End…or is it?
MY NEXT PROJECT (in other words, no one else is allowed to do this): chronicle all of U.S. history using the chatroom format. After that, possibly, is the Bible chronicled using chatroom format.
Oh crap…2007…
HAPPY NEW YEAR, PEOPLE!
Also, today is yet another blog anniversary. I’m not even keeping track anymore, dangit.
Anyways, this one’s for you, Maggie:
The explanation as to why Spork=Insanity
SPORK
Pork=bacon
SBACON
Bacon=”inside” a pig. Use the “in” and put it on the left “side” of “sbacon.”
INSBACON
Bacon can sometimes be unsanitary. Replace “bacon” with “unsanitary.”
INSUNSANITARY
The sun has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Delete it.
INSANITARY
To rid the word of the “a” and the “r”, think of something that starts with those two letters. Like AR (accelerated reader) books. Did you have to read those in junior high? Didn’t you hate that? Don’t you want to rid your mind of the experience? Yes? Good. Delete the “a” and the “r.”
INSANITY
Haha…
Gahaha…I was just looking at all my old MSN conversations (for the past year or so) and I’ve had some of the weirdest (an many) names. Just thought I’d post them here cause I have nothing else to blog about today.
“Mother Theresa called…she HATES you!”
“MANIFESTATION!”
“…Some as big as your head!” (Haha, sorry, E’raina!)
“Never again will I let a Kit-Kat eat ME!”
“I am the Postmaster General!”
“What WOULDN’T Jesus do?”
“I’m an astrophysicist, and I’m studying Uranus”
“South Carolina: if at first you don’t secede, try, try again”
“Fun, fun, fun ’till your daddy takes the TiVo away!”
“Nebraska: the “N” is for Knowledge!”
“It’s unwise to bet against the Harlem Globetrotters”
“Horse Genetalia: How to make it work for you!”
“Crunchatize Me, Cap’n!” (oh god, this night was hilarious)
“Ellipses for all!”
“This just in: geophagists around the world are biting the dust!”
“Where’s Godot?”
“TYRANNOSAURUS SEX!”
“The A.D.D. Association’s Book of Wild Animals of Nor—Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
“Atheists—they don’t have a prayer!”
“Wordplay is better than Foreplay”
“I think it was Socrates who said, “hello! My name is Socrates!”
“Club sandwiches, not seals!”
“Screw this, I’ve been waiting for Godot FOREVER! I’m goin’ to get a taco! Hey, how long can these titles be, anyway? Oh wait end.”
“Australian is not a foreign language”
“Why isn’t “Craig” short for “Craigory”?
“Americans suck. Why can’t they be more like me? I like my own butt” (a happy little Haiku!)
“My good friend Jason the quadriplegic is going for a walk and—oh wait.”
“Winning one game of ‘Operation’ does not qualify you as a surgeon”
“I am not the kind of person who is easily distract—OMFG A PUPPY!”
“The sun has absolutely nothing to do with anything”
“I peed in the gene pool”
“I stink therefore I’m Spam”
“Shut up, Susie, Mommy’s trying to drink!”
“Quoth the raven: ‘CAW! CAW!'”
“If good things come in little packages, what’s the big deal with natural male enhancement?”
“Claudia can’t think of a good display name: the display name”
“The roof, the roof, the roof appears to have spontaneously combusted!”
“Math derives me crazy!”
“And God said, ‘let there be Eras Light ITC!’”
“Waiter! There’s a quadriplegic in my Jazzercise class!”
“Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought, ‘where the hell is the ceiling?!’”
“Sticks and stones can break my b—OW MY FEMUR!”
“Life is Pietzsche”
“The Day that Camus backed into a Sumac was the Day the Palindrome was Born!”
“Solving a circumference problem? Ha! Easy as pi!”
“Without an absolute, I can be absolutely fine”
“What did the mean cat say? Mu!”
“Comma Sutra”
“Pb Zeppelin”
“Tyrannosaurus SEX!”
“Choco Leibniz: The Best of All Possible Cookies” occasions separate
“U Kant Touch This” (Stop. Trancendental time.)
“Symbolic Logic? Man, everything’s backwards in Symbolic Logic. Especially the E’s.”
“Mobius Striptease”
“Soylent Glitter”
“The Best of All Possible Display Names”
Drug-induced folklore
Um…okay. This is a little doohickey that I wrote in about three minutes while under the influence of Ibuprofen, Zoloft, antibiotics, and iron. Here we go:
The Story of Infinity: How it Came to Be
Once upon a time, long ago in Wisconsin, a lonely Anglo-Saxon whitesmith named Raphael was sitting in a field, waiting for a message from his African-American blacksmith friend, Pete.
While waiting for Pete, the whitesmith felt a feeling. He leapt to his feet, immediately fell to his knees, and began to pray.
“God,” he said, looking up to the sky “if you really are God, please kill Pete and let me have his blacksmithing business, for he is much more profitable than me. Thank you.” He sat back down in the grass, and, after another moment or two, fell asleep.
Suddenly, a great rumble came from the sky above. Raphael awoke. He looked up into the sky, and before him hovered God. God was wearing pink. Raphael questioned this, saying, “Almighty one, why have you chosen such a feminine color?”
God replied in a manly voice, “God has no gender. God is a wonderful being of unquestionable holiness and awesomeness. God is also a sheep. Look closer.” And it was revealed that God was truly a sheep.
“God,” said Raphael “You heard my prayer. Will you kill Pete?”
“Why?” God asked. “Pete is your friend. He is a successful black blacksmith.”
“That is the point,” Raphael said. “He is more successful than me. I do not like it. Plus, his wife is more attractive than mine, and it would be much simpler to have an affair with her if Pete were out of the way.”
God considered. “Alright,” came the answer. “Here is how it will work: I will leave you and you shall sleep. In the dream, a beautiful woman will appear. All you have to do is reach her and kiss her. As soon as you have done that, Pete will be dead.” God then leapt from the field and, with his mighty sheep legs, reached the Kingdom of Heaven in a single bound.
Raphael relaxed in the grass and instantly fell asleep. As he slept, he began to dream. In his dream, he was in a wide field of wheat. A sign was posted next to him that read Finity Field. As he looked around, he saw a beautiful woman in the distance. He judged the length between them to be about a mile. “All I have to do is run to her,” Raphael reasoned “and Pete will be dead.” So he began to run. An hour later, however, though Raphael had run over five miles, the beautiful woman still seemed to be the same length away from him. He kept running. Two hours later, he was exhausted and nowhere closer to the beautiful woman than he had been before.
Irate, he awoke. “God!” he called.
God appeared. “Yes, Raphael?”
“Why have you deceived me? It is not possible to reach the beautiful woman in Finity Field.”
“Why Raphael,” God replied “it is most certainly possible. Just be patient. Run for a longer period of time.”
God left Raphael and he went back to sleep. In his dream, he took Gods advice and ran for two days straight. Still, however, the beautiful woman remained the same distance away from Raphael she was before. But Raphael would not give up. He was determined to kill Pete. So he ran, and ran, and ran, and ran.
Meanwhile, Pete reached the field in which Raphael lay dreaming. “Raphael?” He shook his friends shoulder. Raphael did not awake; he was deep into his dream. So Pete turned to God.
“God?” he said to the heavens. “What is wrong with my friend?”
Again, God appeared, and though Pete wondered about God being a sheep dressed in pink, he said nothing of this and pointed to the sleeping Raphael. “Raphael is being punished.” God explained to Pete. “You see, Raphael wished death upon you because you are more successful than you and your wife is more attractive than his wife. I told him that in his dream, if he would reach a beautiful woman and kiss her, his wish would be granted. However, since I am the Almighty one, I can trick him with my power. He will never reach the beautiful women because of his selfish thoughts. He is in Finity…forever. “
And so, infinity became the word for forever. Also, whitesmithing became unpopular and was virtually destroyed a month or so after Raphael’s demise. Pete flourished, and so did blacksmithing.
Wee!
The disturbing part is, though, that this story isn’t nearly as whacked out as the stories I come up with when I’m not on drugs.
Eigenblogger 