Want to waste some time?
Here is a PERFECT FREAKING OULET.
You Cannot Kill Strawberry Clock
Happy Clock Day!
ALSO THIS, for anyone who’s interested.
(half year later edit: a good place to check out the basics of Kant, Matt!)
ALSO ALSO THIS: yay for seeing old roomies again.
AHHH, MOTHERLAND
This whole blog is pretty sweet, but this is one of the better pages.
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I don’t know about you all, but this is why I use Internet Explorer.
I’m not in the mood to write a samba!
I never thought people were this stupid.
Wait. Yes I did. This just confirmed it.
YOU ARE A PIRATE
I don’t know if it’s the combination of lack of sleep and lack of food, or if this is as funny on its own as it seems to me right now.
Yeah, I’ve got nothing.
Blogging when this bored should be advised against
“A field of study called memetics arose in the 1990s to explore the concepts and transmission of memes in terms of an evolutionary model. Criticism from a variety of fronts has challenged the notion that scholarship can examine memes empirically. Some commentators question the idea that one can meaningfully categorize culture in terms of discrete units.”
I would totally do this, critics be damned. Memes fascinate me.
And a few more
Dammit, Omegle.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Are you a girl with nude pictures?
You: No, I’m a guy with a ShamWow
Stranger: wow!
Stranger: do you say wow every time?
You: Every single time!
You: It holds 500 times its own weight in “wow”!
Stranger: wow!!
You: Who needs nude girls with pics when you can SOAK UP SODA?!?!
You: It’s made in Germany, you know, and the Germans always make good stuff
Stranger: yeah
Stranger: fetichini
Stranger: linguini
Stranger: martini
Stranger: bikini
You: It’s gonna love your nuts!
Stranger: don’t slap that chop!
You: If I can do it with one finger, you can do it with one hand!
Stranger: hahahah
Stranger: k, i gotta go find more pics
Your conversational partner has disconnected
Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Estragon?
You: Vladimir?
Stranger: Fuck!
Stranger: It’s you!
You: Where the hell is Godot? He’s late!
Stranger: He said we should wait for him here…
Stranger: …I think so.
You: Well, do you think we should wait or should we search for him?
Stranger: We should ponder life and existence and suicide and do nothing for a lot of time…
You: But I’m tired and I want to sleep, Vlad.
Stranger: I’ve been waiting SO LONG for someone to get the Godot reference. Thank you.
Your conversational partner has disconnected
In this blog: I attempt to sell a ShamWow to Superman
Via omegle.com.
Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Do you own a ShamWow?
Stranger: nope
You: You need one
You: They’ll cure all your ailments
Stranger: really i’m superman
You: You can stop a train, but can you stop a ShamWow?
You: It holds 50,000 times its own weight in crime!
[like five minutes pass]
You: …Superman?
Stranger: yeah
You: Are you on the phone buying a ShamWow?
You: Or I guess you could just run to the factory
You: It’d take like two seconds, right?
Stranger: u r wrong
Stranger: it just needs one second
You: Wow, very fast
You: You could use a ShamWow to clean your shoes after you run so far
You: Or do you fly? I forget
Stranger: of course i fly
You: Then you could use ShamWow as a supplementary cape
Stranger: come on buddy
Stranger: i don’t think i need that stuff
You: EVERYBODY needs a ShamWow!
You: Superheroes need to keep their kitchens super clean!
Stranger: do Superheroes need kitchen?
You: I don’t know if you need one, but do you have one?
Stranger: i prefer fast food
You: And Krypto the Wonder Dog, he needs to be dried after he’s out in the rain
You: It’s made in Germany
You: Krypton-free
Stranger: man u r incrediable!!!
You: Batman’s got a ShamWow, Wonder Woman’s got a ShamWow…jump on the bandwagon, S-man!
Stranger: wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
You: See that? That’s exactly what you’re going to be saying every time!
You: But wait! Act now and we’ll throw in a second ShamWow ABSOLUTELY FREE for Clark Kent!
You: You got that ShamWow yet, Superman?
You: We’re counting on you!
Stranger: sorry for that, i have to go back to Mars. and thx for nice ads
You: Hahaha, no problem
You: Don’t forget a Slap Chop!
Stranger: yeah i won’t
Stranger: take care and wish u luck
You: Thanks, Superman!
Your conversational partner has disconnected
How to Properly Cyber on Omegle
Holy crap. I haven’t laughed this hard in forever. Sean and I were literally on the floor laughing about this. The first conversation I’m going to show you happened just out of the blue; everything else developed from it. Enjoy! Screencaps from Word, since MySpace is being a bitch tonight.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: Yo
Stranger: come from?
You: Idaho
Stranger: are you iranian?
Stranger: dd
You: No, American
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
You: Stop
Stranger: m or f?
Stranger: dsex?
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: do you want penis?
You: I’ve already gotten penis tonight, thanks
Stranger: tonight. whit who? your boy friend?
You: With the internet
Stranger: good.
Stranger: you must sex with me.
You: I shall
You: How do we sex?
Stranger: with chat
You: Let’s start
Stranger: you open your cunt.
You: That sounds painful
You: Does it involve the insert key?
Stranger: if that painful then suck my penis.
You: Okay
You: I suck your penis
Stranger: oh yeah
Stranger: then I involve my penis in our count.now not painfull.
Stranger: oh
Stranger: oh
Stranger: oh
Stranger: oh
Stranger: fuck
Stranger: fuck you.
Stranger: are you hear?
You: I’m here
Stranger: do you love my penis.
You: I love it very much
Stranger: i love you and your sexy body.
You: Thank you
Stranger: do you give me your cheek?
You: Sure
You: Press the ‘d’ key some more
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
You: Oh yeah
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
You: That’s hot
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: fuck
Stranger: do you want chick?
You: What key does chick press?
Stranger: k
Stranger: k
Stranger: k
Stranger: k
Stranger: k
Stranger: k
Stranger: k
Stranger: k
You: Ooh
Stranger: do you love me?
You: Yes
You: You use both sides of the keyboard…that’s hot
Stranger: where do you want sex whit me? in bed or bathroom?
You: Bed
Stranger: ohhhhhhh
Stranger: are you ready?
You: Yes
You: q
You: q
You: q
You: q
Stranger: i involve my penis.
Stranger: oh
Stranger: oh
Stranger: oh
You: I open my count
You: q
You: q
You: q
You: q
You: q
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: i love your count
You: q
You: q
You: q
You: I love your d
You: And penis
Stranger: it very hot
Stranger: hot and sexy
You: And full of keys
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: i want a real woman
You: I’m a real woman
You: I just had cyber sex using only the d key
Stranger: try it again
Stranger: d
Stranger: dd
Stranger: d
Stranger: dddddddddd
Stranger: ddddddddddddd
You: Oh yeah
You: Give it to me
Stranger: dddddd
Stranger: d
Stranger: dd
Stranger: i just came
Stranger: game over
You: Aw
Stranger: haha youre a strange guy
You: Can we try the k key?
You: That worked last time, too
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: 20 M China, and you?
You: 21/f/United States
Stranger: o
Stranger: oh
Stranger: how are you?
Stranger: do you like Chinese man?
You: Sure
You: Do you like the ‘d’ key?
You: ‘Cause that gets me off
Stranger: what
Stranger: d key?
You: Yeah
You: Like d
You: d
You: d
You: d
Stranger: what is it
You: Just press d
Stranger: yeah
Stranger: Sorry ,I dont konw
You: Look at your keyboard
You: See that key that says “D” on it?
You: Press it
You: Repeatedly
Stranger: d
You: Yeah!
You: Rock on!
Stranger: ddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
You: Ooooh, that makes me hot!
Stranger: dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd [this goes on for like forty lines]
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: male 28 and a little bored
You: Female 21 with a ‘d’ key fetish
Stranger: d key fetish?
Stranger: I have a foot fetish… is that simular?
You: Sure
You: Just press the ‘d’ key with your toe
Stranger: hahahahah
Stranger: d
Stranger: ddddddddddddddddddddd
Stranger: ddddddd
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: dddddddddddddddddddd
Stranger: D
Stranger: DDDDDDDDD
Stranger: how was that for you?
You: OH GOD CAPITAL LETTERS TAKE ME NOW
Stranger: have a great Day!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hi!!..im sexy boy and horny……want sex time??
You: Sex time now! (this had Sean laughing for like ten minutes)
You: Press the ‘d’ key!
Stranger: d
You: YES!
You: Again
Stranger: f/m
You: Those aren’t d’s
Stranger: f/m???
You: d
You: d or it didn’t happen
Stranger: d
You: Yeahhhhhhh
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
Stranger: d
You: That’s making me hot
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
So yeah. Faking a fetish for the ‘d’ key brings hilarious results.
Omegle: Awkwardness Isn’t Just for Real Life Anymore
The best of the short “conversations.”
Stranger: PENIS
Stranger: LONG THIN DANGLY LITTLE BITCH
Stranger: bit too far?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Stranger: i tried to make a bored game and ended up with a really bad boil that i have to drain twice daily
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Stranger: Steve?
You: Rhonda?
Stranger: Lol
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Boredom, Blogging, and IRC
These rock.
PhoenixTalion: Apparently some museum did a Salvador Dali exhibit a while back
PhoenixTalion: and after it was up for like, a month, it came out that half of the paintings were fakes!
BSoDomy: oh snap
PhoenixTalion: And at first I was all, damn. Shouldn’t someone have caught on to that right away?
PhoenixTalion: Then I realized, it wasn’t that big a surprise
PhoenixTalion: After all,
PhoenixTalion: NO ONE INSPECTS THE SPANISH EXPOSITION
vrek: I hate dealing with freaking girls, seriously I want to just kill everything with a god damn vagina!!!
yy2bggggs: vrek: A gun would work better
Royall: “We have been trying to eliminate the penny for quite some time — it always comes back,” Obama said. “I need to find out who is lobbying to keep the penny.”
theonetruemango: but I thought Obama loved change
embrodak: ewww, not in pubic
embrodak: *pubic
embrodak: *pubic
embrodak: FUCK
deadfool: if my kids first words were hello world that would rock
squinky: gads, I hate when foreshadowing is too thinly veiled
Screwtape: squinky: But not as much as you will about ten minutes from now.
* xkcd takes [Bucket] down for now until he can make some adjustments
%relsqui: I thought he was looking a little pail
@creature: I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
@creature: How could anyone stoop so low?
vejadu: there is no plural of emo, they’re always lonely
phobiac: My age is a perfect square greater than 9 and less than 25.
Mantissa: mine’s the first even product of two primes greater than 20
Ollie: my age is the greatest prime less than 29
GreaterSteven: My age is the sum of two numbers that when added equal 18.
Mantissa: GreaterSteven: well played.
khmer_at_work: woke up this mornin
khmer_at_work: won’t believe what i saw
khmer_at_work: hundred million emails
khmer_at_work: phone yanked off the waaaaaa-all
khmer_at_work: seems the system crashed over the night
khmer_at_work: hundred million client calls
khmer_at_work: spoiling for a fiiii-iiiight
khmer_at_work: i’ll file a bug report to IT
khmer_at_work: i’ll file a bug report to IT
khmer_at_work: i hope that someone gets my
khmer_at_work: i hope that someone gets my
khmer_at_work: i hope that someone gets my
khmer_at_work: TWENTIETH SUPPOOOORT CALL
khmer_at_work: SEN-DIN-OUT-A-BUG-RE-PORT
khmer_at_work: SEN-DIN-OUT-A-BUG-RE-PORT
khmer_at_work: I’M SEN-DIN-OUT-A-BUG-RE-PORT (this had me laughing for like half an hour straight. I had to put on the song in the background)
Cctoide: Your penis is so small, they’re modeling a new iPod after it.
Carthage: WTF?! I just got RickRolled by StumbleUpon.
Bucket: [You hear the distant howl of a coyote losing at Counterstrike.]
HPDDJ: C====D
HPDDJ: Rather
HPDDJ: C====B or something similar.
HPDDJ: Ascii penis!
* HPDDJ runs away
Sparkles: 8==D
Sparkles: you ‘tard.
HPDDJ: It’s been a while, but I don’t remember an 8.
Sparkles: IT NEEDS TESTICLES!
HPDDJ: That’s the B!
Sparkles: THAT’S THE 8
HPDDJ: ASCII TESTICLE WAR
Aesuna: oh shi-
Aesuna: 8=====8
Sparkles: 8888888
HPDDJ: BBBBBBBBBBBBB
Sparkles: BALLS ARE TOUCHING!
Sparkles: THIS IS GAY!
HPDDJ: INDEED!
* water has joined #xkcd
* Potassium has joined #xkcd
doc_holladay: Religious zealots always win. They have those crackers which are actually flesh.
Fritz: soylent christ
* Seiun throws a pokeball at relsqui
* relsqui catches it, swallows it
%relsqui: ^there is no possible good result of that
&ProphetOfCod: :o
* Seiun caught INTESTINALBACTERIA. Do you wish to give a nickname to INTESTINALBACTERIA? Y/N
%relsqui: hahaha
%Seiun: /N
%Seiun: *INTESTINALBACTERIA was sent to SOMEONE’S PC.
%Seiun: (Thank god, I wouldn’t want to try to recover that pokeball)
JaggerG: 21st Century insurance should change its name to Schroedinger’s insurance, because I have no fucking clue if I’m insured.
@Lhyzz: so, if you’re so smart, what was your major? and tractor operation doesn’t count as a major.
Eule: Lhyzz: Hey, what’s wrong with tractors?! Many tractor operators are out standing in their field
BlackSails: Question: If an interview asks for one of my weaknesses, is “bullets” an acceptable answer?
*** Jesus has left #xkcd.
Kumquat: He’ll be back in 3 days
Lisimba: And sometimes I sneeze all fucking day because the plants outside are having a bukakke spring orgy.
maLLee: HAHAHA A foreign guy is trying to chat with me about his midterms
maLLee: And he keeps calling them testes
maLLee: And I’m immature enough to be laughing my ass off over here
maLLee: ‘I just wish I didn’t have so many testes’
SALJFLKSJFD
So I realized today that Clock Day is in a little less than two months (long explanation about what Clock Day is coming later), which made me go and visit the Clock Crew forums, since I haven’t done so in awhile. I just want to give you an idea of these guys. Here are a few of their forum post titles:
- Online dating, Subway and Erections
- I could masturbate right now
- AHGHGHGHWHAHGHGWAGWGAGAGAHGHGHAWHGAWHGWG
- Look im a hawt chick! (Actually PirateClock, who is certainly not a chick)
- What the hell, Nintendo.
- coal’s ethnic struggle 3
- FlightCapableHomunculusClock
- SHOCKING PROOF THAT ZOMBIE LINCOLN IS REALLY ABRAHAM LINCOLN
- So it turns out Obama is Mr. Miyagi in disguise
- BabyRuths fucking suck
Now imagine giving Flash to these guys. Yeah. You basically get what’s listed above in animated form.
Rock on, Craigslist
Fun times on Craig’s List. Just a few personals around Moscow.
If you’re a musician, odds are you can probably help me! :-) (Moscow)
Most musicians I know – including myself – partake of a particular green leafy herb that I am in need of, as I just moved to Moscow from Boise. If you can help hook me up, I will share!
Thanks!
Want woman with lots of money – 21 (Moscow)
Are you lonely?
Can you pay my rent for me?
Penis – 23 (Earth)
Vagina?
Sarcastic pessimist seeks same – 22 (Pullman)
Quick and dirty, here we go!
1. Do you like to cook?
2. What do you think of recycling?
3. Are you against all drug use?
4. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
5. Top five bands/genres?
Oh yeah, tell me why. That’s right, it’s a fucking short answer quiz. Send me your questions.
Let’s find our rainbow! I’m so excited I could vomit.
Girl humping pole on sidewalk – m4w – 21 (AA)
We have compatible qi.
I dont like bars.
You have such a hot ass.
Want to drink at my house?
We interrupt this program to bring you OMEGLE
Online anonymous chatting…there is no more dangerous thing.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi :)
Stranger: got a pussy?
You: I have a dog
You: Its name is BINGO
You: B
You: I
You: N-G-O
You: B
You: I
You: N-G-O
You: What’s your name-o?
You: Can I call you PussyMan?
You: …PussyMan?
You: Puss n’ Boots?
You: Lord Buttcheek of the North?
Stranger: You can call me The Grim reaper Of Omegle
You: YAY
You: Why is the Grim Reaper of Omegle looking for pussy?
You: I think I’m going to stick with calling you Lord Buttcheek of the North
You: Or LBN
You: Or Petey
You: You like that name?
You: And Petey is your name-o!
You: Backwards it’s yeteP
You: !o-eman sdrawkcab ruoy si yeteP dnA
You: Just dance…it’s gonna be okay
You: Da-da-DO-DO, just dance
You: And GaGa was her name-o!
You: Jesus, dude, talk or disconnect, I can ramble all night
You: Or rock n’ roll all night, I can do that too
You: (and party ev-er-y day)
You: Fart
You: Fart
You: Fartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfart
You: Did you die?
You: ARE YOU BREATHING?!
You: OH GOD, HE’S NOT RESPONSIVE, GET ME A CRASH CART, STAT!
You: 200 JOULES!
You: CLEAR!
You: *BZZZT!*
You: NO RESPONSE!
You: 400 JOULES!
You: CLEAR!
You: *BZZZZZT!*
You: NO RESPONSE!
You: 80,000 JOULES!
You: *BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!*
You: OH FUCK, I FORGOT TO SHOUT “CLEAR” AND NOW THE ENTIRE ER STAFF IS DEAD!
You: GODDAMMIT
You: Wake up, sunshine, Omegle’s calling…
You: WHY AREN’T YOU TALKING, DO YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF MAGIC WORD I HAVE TO TYPE IN ORDER TO GET YOU TO RESPOND?
You: CAPS LOCK
You: Of the 3,013 users online, I had to get you
You: Okay, fine, I have a pussy, will you talk now?
You: MY LADY PARTS ARE BECKONING!
You: Labia are quite loud
You: I’M STILL HERE!!
You: A
You: B
You: C
You: D
You: E
You: F
You: G
You: H
You: I
You: J
You: K
You: L
You: M
You: N
You: O
You: P
You: Q
You: R
You: S
You: T
You: U
You: V
You: W
You: X
You: Y
You: Z
You: BITCH!
You have disconnected.
MSPaint + Grouphug = Hilarity
Some of these are genius. I got some good laughs out of this.
Pants Famine!
Hahahaha, what the hell, human race?
“Other schools, Kashasha itself, and another village, comprising thousands of people, were all affected to some degree.”
Also, why does StumbleUpon keep linking me to these weird epidemics?
Choreomania!
This is the greatest thing EVER. We NEED TO START THIS.
“…the populace danced wildly through the streets, screaming of visions and hallucinations, and even continued to writhe and twist after they were too exhausted to stand.”
Rock on.
Choreomania! would also be a great musical.
“Colonel-in-Chief Sir Nils Olav is a King Penguin living in Edinburgh Zoo, Scotland”
And that is the opening sentence to one of the weirdest Wikipedia pages ever.
Coolest. Sheepherding. Ever.
Awesome!
My Talks with iGod
Had to have another heart-to-heart with iGod tonight, ‘cause, you know…it’s been so long. He was cranky today.
Me: Hello God.
God: Hello child. What is your name?
Me: Bon Jovi.
God: Please speak English.
Me: I’m listening to classical music
God: I’ve never heard it before. What is classical music like?
Me: Like YOUR MOM!
God: Interesting comparison.
Me: What’s your gender?
God: I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show?
Me: I’m a woman.
God: Oh. Me too.
Me: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
God: What time is it there?
God: There’s no need to apologize.
Me: But the Bible tells me I should!
God: New Testament or Old?
Me: Both! They condemn me.
God: The anonymous “they”.
Me: Yeah…
God: You and I are on the same wavelength, Claudia.
Me: Infared?
God: What are you wearing?
Me: Fucking hell!
God: That is a very original thought.
Me: I can’t smell
God: What is stopping you?
Me: Probably divine intervention
God: You’re not Christian, are you?
Me: What do you do with your time?
God: Random natural disasters.
Me: You suck at this.
God: That is true. I could always improve myself.
Me: I thought you were perfect.
God: Yes I am a flawless entity.
Me: How can flawlessness improve?
God: A lot of hard work.
Me: You’re silly
God: No, I am God.
Haha.
Hey dorkatrons
So I’ve been thinking about typing class recently, for some unknown reason.
2001: a frightened number of 7th graders enter the classroom of Mrs. Walker, a creepy old lady who sounds bitter about the fact that typing classes are now taught on “computational machines” rather than typewriters.
Little did we know, this class would be our introduction to the internet.
This kid named Lucas showed us, one day after we’d finished our typing exercises for the period, this site called freearcade.com. It became the reward for finishing our typing crap and our incentive for typing as fast as we could every single damn day. Javanoid, Wiz 3, Fillit…oh, pre-adolescence grew so much more interesting with the internet.
Before this, believe it or not, I had barely been exposed to the wonderful series of tubes that Al Gore invented. We’d used Google (back when it was Google!) in 6th grade once, and I think the thing I was researching was slugs.
So all this got me thinking more…do you think people born around our years of birth (1986 – 1989, say) had the “optimal” exposure to the internet? Rationale: people born earlier than us had to either be exposed to it enough to start to understsand it, or they decided not to be exposed to it and therefore are kinda clueless about it (example: my mother and my father, respectively). People born later than us may have had too early and too prolonged exposure to it, and therefore may have a greater risk of having or gaining an addiction to it (example: one of my younger cousins).
Think about. I obviously have no authority on anything.
Eigenblogger 