Tag Archives: amazon

Diggety Diggety Bald Peeps Wear Wiggeties

Well hi.

Today my mom was way too nice to me (like she always is) and bought me a metric ton of earrings, along with some other things.

Prompted to continue to look for things to buy (because I have issues), I was looking at watches on Amazon, ‘cause that’s what I do (and because I wanted to see if my favorite watch would ship to Calgary, should I ever need another replacement) and I came across a pretty great review for a Casio calculator watch:

I’ve always wanted a calculator watch. Now that I’m pushing 30, I felt that I’m an adult and I can do what I want and I want to buy a calculator watch, dammit. Yeah, I said it. You’re not my mom. Deal with it.
It’s great. It has dual time, a stopwatch, alarm, tells the date and day of the week, AND A FRIGGIN’ CALCULATOR. If you wear it tightly enough, you can feel your pulse. So it’s like an Apple Watch only it costs under $20, has a 3 year manufacturer’s warranty, and the battery lasts five years. Doesn’t send text messages, but you can write such words as ‘BOOBS’, ‘BOOBIES’, ‘BOOBLESS’, ‘BEES’, and ‘SHOE’. So if you’re a man of few words and your friend is right next to you, it’s basically the same as iMessage.
Knocked off a star because the screen seems to lack some contrast. Not sure if it’s permanent or the battery is low. Can’t recharge the battery, so I don’t know.

Haha.

Side note: I’m loving these small, low profile Casio watches. This is the one that I’ve been wearing for a while now, but Casio’s got quite a few watches that are super small and compact and make it feel like you’re not wearing a watch at all. If you’re on the lookout for a small, barely-there watch that works great, give this one a try.

 

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Sometimes I like to search for “common” things on Amazon—like watches, headphones, water bottles, etc.—and then sort the results by price from high to low. I like to see just how ridiculously expensive the first* item is. Just for some fun. Want some examples?

Headphones: HiFiMan HE1000 Open-Back Planar Magnetic Headphones ($2,368.95)

Pen: Mont Blanc Meisterstuck 149 Fountain Pen ($915)

Calculator: HP 15C Limited Edition Scientific Calculator ($695.00)

Pastels: Caran d’Ache Classic Neocolor II Water-Soluble Pastels ($1,293.97)

Scissors: ICAR 13” Tailors’ Shears/Scissors ($389.99)

 

*Okay, I really look at the first item that looks legit. Like, it has to have at least one review and have a “realistic” price. No billion-dollar trash cans, yo.

I Have Money and I want Headphones

AS THE TITLE SAYS, I have money and I want headphones.

The money’s from MTurk. I’ve been doing three or four little tasks at night, and while the individual tasks don’t pay much (maximum like $2 for any of the ones I do), if you do enough, they add up. I have about $50 from MTurk now, so I’ve decided I can spend that on whatever I want.

But it’s not like I need headphones. I have my awesome Koss ones that cost about $4.50 and I have at least 4 backup pairs of them for when the current ones inevitably break (the sound quality is awesome, but they don’t last too long. $4.50 headphones, yo).

But I logged onto Amazon for whatever the hell reason tonight and it knew I had some extra money ‘cause it was like, “hey bro, y u no buy some Sennheisers?”

And so it’s all Amazon’s fault that I’ve spent the past two hours looking at headphones.

Front runners:

I cannot choose!

Edit: Okay, I ended up not getting any of these. I ended up not getting Sennheisers at all. Instead, I got this guy. I’m super picky about comfort when it comes to headphones, and a good number of the reviews for these headphones said that they were really, really comfortable. Plus they’re supposed to sound good. And they’re a cool shade of blue.

Sinuous Ocelot

So back when we were in Moscow, Nate and I visited Hastings and came across a book entitled Becoming a Supple Leopard. We weren’t quite sure what a Supple Leopard was (though I’m assuming it deserves to be capitalized), but it kind of became a little joke with us. I’d call Nate a Supple Leopard, one of us would do something and the other would say, “that’s something a Supple Leopard would do”…that kind of thing.

Anyway, tonight we decided to finally look up the book on Amazon to see if any of the reviews actually explained the “Supple Leopard” thing. But we found something better. We found this review:

Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to be as agile as the ninjas you see so often on TV? Oh, you’ve never seen a ninja?! There’s a good reason for that – they are NINJAS.
Ninjas are fast and graceful, and you always see them doing crazy things with their body that involves wicked flexibility. Where does all that flexibility come from? How do you think they recover after being beaten down by Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, Jet Li or Jackie Chan? By reading this book, targeting their goats, smashing their psoas, freeing their matted down tissues and working out other downstream issues they become more agile and deadly than ever and recover far faster from deadly one-inch punches to the face.
Last thing to mention, is that ninjas are never in anything like a pain cave. They brave out their training and all their fights to the death. The pain cave or a pain “face” means nothing to them. Except for above mentioned deadly one-inch punch to the face. But then they’re dead.
Basically, become a leopard, become a ninja, become anything extreme and more awesome (I scribbled “Snow” above Leopard, because my spirit animal is a Snow Leopard).
Enjoy this book. But don’t. Because if you do the exercises, it will hurt. In a good way. Like if your favourite movie star crush strapped you down and ripped your pants off. But then again, you’re now a ninja – so that will never happen.

The reviewer’s username is, appropriately, “Deadly Ninja” and this is the only thing they’ve reviewed.

I love the immediate contradiction of “Oh, you’ve never seen a ninja?! There’s a good reason for that – they are NINJAS” and “Ninjas are fast and graceful, and you always see them doing crazy things with their body that involves wicked flexibility.”

How can I see them if they’re ninjas, Deadly Ninja?
HOW CAN I SEE THEM?!?!

 

In This Blog: Claudia Plugs Amazon Mechanical Turk

Ahoy again, faithful readers! (Who probably won’t see this until June when I finally post the damn thing…)

So there’s a site called Mechanical Turk that is run by Amazon. Basically, you can sign up as a worker and do tasks for requesters. Usually the requester’s tasks are things like answering survey questions or other things for companies/universities/etc. If you qualify and complete a task, you get paid by the requester.

So far this totally sounds like a “make money quick” website that’s in actuality a scam, but it’s not! It’s legitimately run through Amazon and you actually do get paid (without giving away your personal information or anything like that). I’ve been using it since mid-2014 (and I actually don’t know why I’ve never blogged about it before) and haven’t had a single issue with it being any sort of scam.

And while you do earn legit money, you definitely don’t earn a lot very quickly, especially if you just do the tasks in your spare time. For example, since the middle of last year when I started using it, I’ve earned a total of $171. The biggest payment for a task that I’ve ever done is $4.00, but most of the ones I do are worth a dollar or 80 cents or something like that. If you take a qualifying test you can be allowed to work on the audio transcription tasks, which are usually worth a lot more ($40+), but I haven’t done that yet because I’m too lazy to do transcriptions, haha.

But yeah, $171 is better than nothing, and it gives you something to do if you have a spare few minutes every night or something like that. And like I said, it’s actually legitimate, and a good way to earn a bit of spare money if you wanted to.

WOO!

Stuff!

Have I done one of those “Claudia wants material stuff” posts lately? I’m too lazy to go back and look, but I have a desire to do another one because I just found like three books on Amazon that look snazzy.

And hell, the main reason I even make these types of posts at all is so that if/when I have a little extra money flying around, I don’t have to remember “what was it I wanted to buy?” but can just go back to my last materialistic post instead.

‘Cause, y’know, I’m cool like that.

Anyways.

(I’m not really that materialistic, I swear.)

Advanced R
“This book not only helps current R users become R programmers but also shows existing programmers what’s special about R. Intermediate R programmers can dive deeper into R and learn new strategies for solving diverse problems while programmers from other languages can learn the details of R and understand why R works the way it does.”

Handbook of Statistical Distributions with Applications
“Presenting both common and specialized probability distribution models, as well as providing applications with practical examples, this handbook offers comprehensive coverage of plots of probability density functions, methods of computing probability and percentiles, algorithms for random number generation, and inference, including point estimation, hypothesis tests, and sample size determination.”

Statistical Distributions
“Following a basic introduction, forty popular distributions are outlined in individual chapters that are complete with related facts and formulas.”

Retro Creeper! (I might have posted this before)

Another one from Rave Nectar

And another.

Oh Amazon…

You know what’s hilarious/frightening? Going on Amazon, searching for some specific thing, and then ranking the results from highest price to lowest to see the most outrageous items ever.

Also, Amazon is currently out of their stock of Giant Inflatable Penis costumes. Just FYI. (No, I did not just buy them all.)

OH MY GOD it has 16 reviews.

“I am sure my brother will like it as he has always been a bit of a cock.”

“Never a dull moment at a party if you’re dressed as a huge penis.” Quite possibly the truest words in the galaxy.

“People kept calling me a knob.”

Untitledj

HAHAHAHAHA.

Edit: Oh Jesus, don’t Google “giant inflatable penis costume.”

Flu shots are BOGUS, I have the immune system of Zeus!

(A “Claudia is hyper” blog follows. You’ve been warned.)

Can you blister your eardrums with hot, hot tunes?
‘CAUSE I THINK I JUST DID!


(That chord at 2:32 makes me super happy. Also, we’re playing this in Concert Band)

I will not be able to hear by the time I’m 30.

[Insert me not giving a crap and cranking the volume higher]

Also, I got all my Amazon stuff at once.

photo

GRE material, Leibniz-related shenanigans, and Metalocalypse.

Yup, sounds about right.

Edit: oh my god, these season 4 extras are great. “It’s a nice night for flying around in a cuuuuuube!”

Schrödinger’s Blog

So I read this post the other day from this guy who went on Amazon and found 1-star reviews for classic books. It’s funny and disturbing all at the same time. Here are a few of my favorites with, of course, my commentary:

The Sun Also Rises
“Here’s the first half of the book: ‘We had dinner and a few drinks. We went to a cafe and talked and had some drinks. We ate dinner and had a few drinks. Dinner. Drinks. More dinner. More drinks. We took a cab here (or there) in Paris and had some drinks, and maybe we danced and flirted and talked sh*t about somebody. More dinner. More drinks. I love you, I hate you, maybe you should come up to my room, no you can’t’… I flipped through the second half of the book a day or two later and saw the words ‘dinner’ and ‘drinks’ on nearly every page and figured it wasn’t worth the risk.”

Hemingway is notoriously good at writing plainly about plain things (but in my opinion, still being worth reading, though The Sun Also Rises was one of my least favorites of his). If you didn’t know this before you picked it up, it surprises me.

 

To Kill a Mockingbird
“I don’t see why this book is so fabulous. I would give it a zero.”

I agree.

Gone With the Wind
“Well, it’s a girl’s world. The world of Gloria Steinem and the popular feminism, as distilled on TV (including CBC shows, not all fundamentalist Hollywood garbage) of my youth is GONE. Now the girls run the show. You’re not allowed to call them sluts. And it’s impossible to call them virgins. They’re all doing Rhett Butler. So what are they? Idiots… Hope you like the Gangstas. It’s what you deserve.”

Hahahaha, what?

 

The Sound and the Fury
“This book is like an ungrateful girlfriend. You do your best to understand her and get nothing back in return.”

Welcome to Faulkner Land. Your mother is now a fish.

 

The Great Gatsby
“It grieves me deeply that we Americans should take as our classic a book that is no more than a lengthy description of the doings of fops.”

And it grieves me deeply that that’s all you got out of this book.

 

Lolita
“1) I’m bored. 2) He uses too many allusions to other novels, so that if you’re not well read, this book makes no sense. 3) Most American readers are not fluent in French, so to have conversations or interjections in French with no translation is plain dumb. 4) Did I mention I was bored? 5) As with another reviewer, I agree, he uses a lot of huge words that just slow a person down. And it’s not for theatrics either, it’s just huge words mid-sentence when describing something simple. Nothing in the sense of imagery is gained. 6) Also, to sum it up, it’s a story about a pedophile.”

1) Boredom + written review = something you should probably not put on the internet. 2) Really? NOW’S YOUR EXCUSE TO READ MORE! 3) Lolita was published in Paris, where—HOLY CRAP—they tend to speak a lot of French. There wasn’t an obscene amount of it in there, either, and I’m sure if you looked for it you could find a version with translations. 4) Yes, you did. See point 1). 5) Oh crap! Not only French phrases but BIG WORDS?! How DARE he challenge your vocabulary and your monolingualism in the same book! It’s almost like you’re required to think! 6) And lust and jealously and guilt and crime, and all those hot topics. If you think it’s just about pedophilia, I think you may need to reread it.

 

Lord of the Flies
“I am obsessed with Survivor, so I thought it would be fun. WRONG!!! It is incredibly boring and disgusting. I was very much disturbed when I found young children killing each other. I think that anyone with a conscience would agree with me.”

Good thing I ducked or else the point of this book would have smacked me in the head as it whizzed over yours.

 

Native Son
“Well…someone who murders anyone…out of panic (which is a really stupid, irrational reason) does not deserve any sympathy. I felt the book was mainly about black people hating white people…as usual. Now, tell me anyone…if there was a book about a white person facing discrimination in Africa…or being killed because stones are thrown at them, then everyone would look down on them. Poorly written.”

I’m going to ignore the first two sentences and focus on the last one. I think the reviewer meant it was written “simply,” as I can’t fathom someone claiming a book by Wright is actually poorly written. Wright writes (haha) in an easy-to-read style. Contrast this to Nabokov who, according to the Lolita reviewer, uses SCARY BIG WORDS in such phrases as: “in the course of the evocations and schemes to which I had dedicated so many insomnias, I had gradually eliminated all the superfluous blur, and by stacking level upon level of translucent vision, had evolved a final picture.” Native Son is written in the style the main character would probably tell it, as a scared young man who has lived in poverty without an education and is describing the story of how he accidentally murders a white woman. He would probably not talk like the insanely-educated and lustful Humbert Humbert of Lolita.

 

And here are some more that I found just ‘cause:

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
“Boring and bland. He even spent two pages listing sponges. Don’t waste your time by reading this.”

Nothing like the submarine adventures spurred on by a misanthropic sea captain to make someone remember two pages of sponges. How can that be the only thing he lists when there were like 40 freaking crazy-busy scenes to balance things out? Seriously…they get trapped under ANTARCTICA and ALMOST SUFFOCATE. Did he forget that part? And the freaking giant squid fighting? AND ATLANTIS? Verne is excellent with scenes that cause adrenaline rushes, I don’t know what the reviewer’s problem is. Let’s hope this guy never reads any Melville.

 

Age of Reason
“If this novel had been my only exposure to existentialist thought, I never would have considered the philosophy seriously. The characters in this novel are so obnoxious I’d feel more comfortable hanging out with Dick Cheney in a dungeon full of scorpions, and I feel sorry for anyone who identifies with them or knows people who are like them. Sartre intentionally makes the characters so hateable because he wants to show us the necessity of taking responsibility for one’s freedom, but I’m not sure his point works; such people may decide that they willfully want to own up to their whimsically obnoxious ways.”

Aw, I liked Mathieu. Marcelle was obnoxious as hell, I’ll give him that, but the rest weren’t entirely that detestable. Bonus points for the Dick Cheney comment though, that made me laugh.

 

The Plague
“If you like to feel depressed, then by all means read this book….it is dark and imaginary smells are those of death….yuk….totally discusting.”

I suppose I shouldn’t question this reviewer’s knowledge of Camus’ philosophy and existentialism if the title didn’t even tip him off to the fact that the book would be depressing. Oh crap, it’s about disgusting things like death?! NO WAY.
It’s called The Plague, not The Prom.

 

And if you’re wondering about my absolute favorite book in the universe, The Caine Mutiny (which you’re probably not), it has no one-star ratings. It’s either as phenomenal to everyone else as it is to me or it’s just not very well-known. With 89 reviews and 70 five-stars for one version of the book, I’d like to think it’s a combination of both.

Yeah.

 

Today’s song: Have You Ever Seen the Rain? by Creedence Clearwater Revival