Madman, I’m a Madam!
Last night Matt and I went down to The Beach to the drag show they were holding for Psycho de Mayo. Each of us went as the opposite sex and we had a lot of fun. I had no idea such crazy, wonderful people as the drag queens existed in Moscow, but they do, and I’m glad.
Here are a few things I learned:
1) There are some times when you just have to forget about impending finals (yeah, this is me saying this).
2) When sober people truly let go and allow themselves to be free, it is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
3) When drunks do it it’s kinda disturbing.
4) I suck at pool.
5) Matt’s better than me at pool.
6) I suck at dancing.
7) Matt’s better than me at dancing.
8) Poles are fun.
9) Bring more dollar bills next time.
10) Apparently, some guy’s really wondering if “anybody wants to have sex tonight.”
Pics.
Aaaargh! Real Lobsters!
So lately I’ve been hearing a lot of comments/discussions about shyness. This is not a bad thing; I just think people would benefit from understanding some things about people who are really rather shy and inhibited in social situations. Like me (believe it or not, I don’t much care for social situations, mainly because I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do to interact “correctly”).
So here we go! An exposé on shyness.
1. Small talk
I’m not a big fan of people who automatically assume that people who make small talk are “stupid” or “superficial.” I do not think this is necessarily the case, especially when shy people are involved. I made this point in my psych class a few days ago: maybe shier people have grown accustomed to making small talk in order to fill the awkward silences (see point 2) that may result from their being shy. I don’t know if this is the case in all situations, but it certainly is the case with me. I’ve become a partial expert on small talk recently in order to fake my way through college social life. I suck at it still, though—I just use it a lot. The best advice I can give you here is to put up with the small talk until the shy person is comfortable enough to open up to you. Even better, suggest a deeper topic that both of you can elaborate on. Again, I don’t know about anyone else, but a deep topic can get me rambling for months on end.
2. Awkward silence
This is a big one. Without small talk, this can overtake a conversation. At least in my case, this stems not from a lack of things to discuss (in other words, it’s not a lack of random topics flooding the brain) but rather a fear of saying the wrong thing to those in the immediate vicinity. What’s better to avoid total humiliation than to remain silent? However, this silence is often misconstrued as stupidity or dullness. I disagree. It’s just a lack of confidence. Best advice? Again, either accept that the silence can go on for a little while, or try to find a topic that is interesting and deep.
3. The damn giggling
I don’t know about you, but this drives me nuts (mainly because I do it myself). It’s the constant throaty “huhuhuhuhu” that results after the non-shy member of a group makes a comment or suggestion to a shy person. This is typically the shy person’s response. While stupid-sounding, I think it’s just a case of, again, not knowing exactly what to say so as not to offend or confuse anyone. If it amuses you, laugh. If it annoys the hell out of you, sing a happy little tune in your head to try to drown it out. After time, as a sense of familiarity and comfort enters the equation, it will diminish. I promise.
Yeah, so that’s about it. I thought this was going to be a really long blog, but it turned out to be rather short. I think it will benefit many people to understand the shier people and their actions through the eyes of a shy person. So here you go. Enjoy.
Nick and I get philosophical (for about a nanosecond–then we dissolve into silliness)
Oh man…this was the funniest conversation over MSN I’ve ever had. I don’t know why, but at the time both of us were in hysterics (we had our mics on) over how “witty” we were. There were about minute-long gaps in between the posing of a “life is like…” statement and the response. I’m “Opinions,” Nick is “Blitz!”:
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Question.
Blitz! says: shoot
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: What’s the meaning of life?
Blitz! says: to live long and prosper
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Haha
Blitz! says: life is like star trek
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: William Shatner is God.
Blitz! says: lol
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a lot of things
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Screw boxes of chocolate!
Blitz! says: i hear that
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a rodeo
Blitz! says: no matter how good you are, you’ll mess up eventually. Then you’ll be glad there are those clowns around to save your ass.
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Haha, that’s awesome!
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Give me one
Blitz! says: okay
Blitz! says: life is like a garden
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: If you do things right, it will involve at least one hoe and one bush.
Blitz! says: lol win
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like George Clooney’s underwear:
Blitz! says: sometimes it’s full of crap
Blitz! says: but a good kind of crap
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Oh my god, that’s really funny
Blitz! says: lol i’m a genius
Blitz! says: life is like a sentence
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life can’t be a sentence
Blitz! says: why
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Because rather than ending with a period, it begins with one
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Sort of
Blitz! says: holy shit, that’s clever
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Thanks
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a spelling bee:
Blitz! says: u go arownd speling things lik this and sumones going to kil u
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Haha
Blitz! says: life is like unprotected sex
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: It’s no fun going through with it wrapped in latex.
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Eh. What about this:
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like Dick Cheney:
Blitz! says: it doesn’t matter if you’re a nice person; it’ll still shoot you in the face one day when you’re least expecting it
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: You have no idea how much I’m laughing right now.
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Am I sick?
Blitz! says: lol yes
Blitz! says: life is like a sweet tart
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: The more you suck at it, the more you get engulfed by bitterness
Blitz! says: you’re friggin good at this
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: I know :P
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a simile
Blitz! says: lol i don’t think anything else needs to be said
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Ah, true
And then we go off and talk about homework, which is even more boring and even less funny (shockingly). Still, some of them are good, right?
Waiter! There’s an…aw, screw it, can I just get some pasta?
Haha, I’m so cruel. Poor Nick. This was at about 3 in the morning, mind you. He’s “Apathy,” I’m “The Roof.”
Who cares about apathy? says: will you help me get my english done, please? i’m so damn tired…
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Okay
Who cares about apathy? says: what’s “allegory?”
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Al Gore’s evil twin.
Who cares about apathy? says: shut up
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Seriously.
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: He thinks global warming is a myth and felt that the 2000 election was entirely unfixed.
Who cares about apathy? says: lol
Who cares about apathy? says: you amuse me so
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: I know :P
Who cares about apathy? says: i’m so tired i can’t think
Who cares about apathy? says: can’t get it done
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Oh, yes you can
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: You’re smart as a whip
Who cares about apathy? says: come now, you know how i detest clichés
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Whatever floats your boat
Then later,
Who cares about apathy? says: oh gross
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: What?
Who cares about apathy? says: i have a big bunion on my toe
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Why must you tell me this?
Who cares about apathy? says: lol
Who cares about apathy? says: what should i do with it?
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Name it “Paul”
Needless to say, he didn’t get his English finished in time, and I don’t know if he named the bunion Paul. And he’d probably hurt me if he knew I was posting this, but I don’t care! I’m trying to convince him to get a MySpace so I can bug him here as well.
Why limit friendship by naming a SQUARE after it? Why is there no friendship CUBE, huh?
Woo! I dare say that this is the first real outside of school social interaction I’ve had since Christmas Break. Thanks, guys. You’ve brought out the child (or childish freak) in me yet again. And I needed that.
I’ll get those pics up as soon as possible. Just for you, Aneel!
Oh, and I got sunburned. How sad is that?
Ah, the wonders of a camera phone…
So after losing and rediscovering my cell phone YET AGAIN, I decided to look through all the crap from high school I’d had saved on it. Here are some of the things I found:
~Aneel with barrettes in his hair
~E’raina’s butt (there were quite a lot of these…)
~Alan’s butt/crotch/him coming after me
~E’raina’s Ramen hair!
~Amy’s boobies
~E’raina and Amy gettin’ down dirty on the floor (with my encouragement)
~Hunter’s crotch
~A video of Amy and me dirty dancing in front of my physics classroom
~A video of me being chased by Amy and randomly stopping to strip (me stripping, not Amy, unfortunately)
~A video of Aneel’s glasses case and me stealing it from him
~A video of me groping Hunter
~A video of me grinding on Hunter
~A video of me grinding on Aneel (actually, there are about three of these)
~A video of Aneel drinking soda, him accusing me of wanting to cause harm to him, and me saying, “No, I don’t! I’m taking pictures of your crotch!”
I miss these days. It’s a wonder I never got detention/suspended/shot for this crap.
Poor Aneel (sequel to “30 short reasons why I need a life”)
Haha, I did it again. Here are more fun posts for Aneel to ponder!
Claudia Mahler wrote
Why would you ever think I post on your wall too much?
I just don’t understand…
Claudia Mahler wrote
Haha, I’m glad you like my insane posting habits. I’ll bet it annoys everyone else who posts, though.
But that’s my appeal. (Note: Claudia’s appeal costs $50/hour. Cash only. Small bills preferred.)
Claudia Mahler wrote
Haha…drafting overdose.
At least it’s not heroin or something.
Unless “drafting” has become some sort of hip new word for “heroin.”
You’d better check yourself into rehab, young man!
Claudia Mahler wrote
I just realized that I start most of my wall posts with the phrase “haha” (or some variation of it). WTF?
Claudia Mahler wrote
Ahoy-hoy! Here is a birthday present for you! I almost picked the fancy undies, but I figured you already had a pair. So I chose the whipped cream/cherry. Kinky, eh? Happy birthday!
Claudia Mahler wrote
Wow…I haven’t written on your wall for, what, 48 hours? What the hell?! I’m slipping!
Claudia Mahler wrote
Must..
.maintain…wall…dominance…
Claudia Mahler wrote
Must…refrain…from…overusing…ellipses…
Claudia Mahler wrote
Must…get…a…date…
Claudia Mahler wrote
Or…at least…a rubberband…with personality…
Claudia Mahler wrote
Must…distract you…from…last…post…
Claudia Mahler wrote
I grow tired of these games! It’s high time we sat down to a good old-fashioned MSN Messenger conversation in which you abandon your computer for a good hour while I feverishly peck out some 18th-century oriented conversation about zodiac signs, gynecologists, and row-row-row your boat!
…I think this is the most meaningful message I’ve ever left you.
Claudia Mahler wrote
Did you know 3 out of 3 doctors recommend me for a good boredom cure?
Claudia Mahler wrote
Did you also know that I have been shown in clinical studies to prevent herpes?
Claudia Mahler wrote
I think doctors need to re-evaluate their clinical studies. It’s like those toothbrushes. Who’s that one doctor who EVERY DAMN TIME says, “hell no! I won’t recommend this product! I’m a sourpuss and I want the world to know it! I’ve got a horse chestnut up my butt and it’s making me cranky! I’m Rube Goldberg!”
Claudia Mahler wrote
Did you ever stop to think that your whole life could be put on stage one day in the future? Who do you think would play you?
Claudia Mahler wrote
I think William Shatner would play me.
Claudia Mahler wrote
I <3 William Shatner.
Claudia Mahler wrote
I think MySpace Tom would play you.
No offense, or anything.
Claudia Mahler wrote
I think I need some serious psychiatric help. I may perform self-analysis once I’m certified.
I’ll analyze you for free, of course.
With “free” being read as “$200/hr, $50 extra every time you say the word “cars.”
Claudia Mahler wrote
I know someone who hasn’t written on my wall since the 27th…
His name starts with an “A” and ends with a “neel”…
And no, it’s not Alfred Berneel.
Claudia Mahler wrote
Hooray!
Okay, now I promise not to mass-comment on your wall until…hm…the 20th.
Tax deduction! Tax deduction! Tax deduction!
Note: this has nothing to do with tax deductions.
I’ve been on a roll lately with dorky quotes. Most of them involve my partner-in-strangeness, Maggie, on MSN. Here are a few of them:
Maggie: and now the eternal debate: death by fire or ice…
Me: I say ice, but then I think that it would be cool to have said about you that you truly went out “in a blaze of glory”…doesn’t have the same effect when you go out “in a glacier of glory.” But what if you got run over by a glacier? “Mmm…Thor see big ice cube…ugh!…Thor’s foot under ice cube…Thor forgot to write will…who will get Thor’s mammoth?…”
“Leprechauns are pantsless. They have no spines, also. They’re actually worms who speak broken English and know only a few words, such as “Ey!” and “Oh no!” and “Me Lucky Charms!”
Me: Now I am holding up a picture. It is an inkblot. What do you see?
Maggie: an inkblot.
Me: You’re insane.
My mom (talking about the weather): We’d better keep the cats in tonight; there’s a big band coming towards us.
Me: Sousa?
“What do you call it when a midget gets the services of a prostitute? A low-blow!” (a joke of mine from, what, 2005?)
Maggie: dum dee dum dee dum…
Me: *Turkey in the Straw theme*
Maggie: *depressing d minor bass solo*
Maggie: *debates whether or not to resolve it to D major*
Maggie: *slams head on keyboard*
Me: *throws handful of bandages through the air before realizing that you’re not actually in the same room*
Maggie: +.+
Me: *feigns medical skills*
Me: *begins CPR on a beanie baby*
Maggie: x.x
Me: *flips out, realizing resuscitating a beanie baby does as much good helping you as giving a high-five to George W. Bush helps him with his presidency*
“Alan has holes! I’ve seen them!”
Maggie: Out of curiosity, what happens if the bonfire accidentally lights the Sistine Chapel on fire?
Me: Jesus will have my ass.
Maggie: What if Jesus is in the Sistine Chapel at the time?
Me: God will have both Jesus and my asses, but he will resurrect Jesus’ ass after three days on a day that will be called “Asster.”
30 short reasons why I need a life
Ahoy there! I’m only posting this cause I can’t think of anything else to post.
Plus it’s funny.
Poor Aneel.
Claudia Mahler wrote
Yeah…finally jumped on the Facebook wagon. Can’t do lunch today; I have to go to Polya (poop) cause I haven’t had the chance to so far this week. We could go on Tuesday maybe…
Claudia Mahler wrote
It’s Aneel, it’s Aneel, it’s Aneel-neel-neel!
It’s Aneel, it’s Aneel, it’s Aneel-neel-neel!
It’s Aneel, it’s Aneel, it’s Aneel-neel-neel!
It’s Aneeeeel…
It’s Aneel-neel-neel!
Claudia Mahler wrote
If a quantum physicist and a lawyer were locked in a room together and were forced to come up to the answer to, “if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound?”, would the quantum physicist be victorious over the lawyer, or vice-versa?
Claudia Mahler wrote
My money’s on the cat.
Claudia Mahler wrote
Oh, crap! I forgot to put the cat in the story!
Claudia Mahler wrote
If a quantum physicist, a cat, and a lawyer were locked in a room together and were forced to come up to the answer to “if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound?”, would the quantum physicist be victorious over the lawyer and the cat, the lawyer over the quantum physicist and the cat, or the cat over the lawyer and quantum physicist?
Claudia Mahler wrote
Now my money’s on the quantum physicist. No way in hell is a cat going to be able to vocalize his answer.
Claudia Mahler wrote
How could you’ve written on my wall at 11:26 PM TODAY when it’s only 11:10?
Tell me the secrets of your time travel.
Oh, and it’s a good thing you replied. I was about to do a one-sided conversation thingy like I did on messenger that one time…
Claudia Mahler wrote
O…kay…my post is at 2 in the morning…what time system are you on?
Or is it me?
Claudia Mahler wrote
Are you ever gonna answer that lawyer/cat/quantum physicist question?
Do it NOW!
Claudia Mahler wrote
That new pic is as hot as the sun’s core temperature (15,000,000 degrees Celsius, or something like that. Why isn’t there an “approximately” symbol on the keyboard? I think this should be a new Facebook group: “Petition to Add the Squiggly Equal Sign to the Standard American Keyboard”).
In fact, my monitor is on fire. PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT!
Ah, screw it. Aneel=sexy.
…
*cough*cat/lawyer/quantum physicist question*cough*
Claudia Mahler wrote
YOU! Didn’t I nearly dominate your wall at one point? Do you want that again? I DIDN’T THINK SO, SOLDIER!
Ahem…okay. Much love. Reply.
Claudia Mahler wrote
SHARMEGAMAN!
You know I love your driving. I love your driving as much as I love math.
I need to take over your wall again at some point in the near future.
Claudia Mahler wrote
Aneel! President Fillmore has an urgent call for you on line three! Pick up at once!
Claudia Mahler wrote
Line three: “Mr. Sharma! President Millard Fillmore here! I’m in need of your assistance! No one freakin’ remembers who I was! It’s as if I never was President! What do I do?”
Claudia Mahler wrote
Line three: “…what do you mean you don’t know who I am?”
Claudia Mahler wrote
Aneel! President Millard Fillmore has just hung up on you! I do believe that this will lead to some sort of national crisis! I’m scared!
Claudia Mahler wrote
Oh wait. He’s dead, isn’t he? Never mind.
…Then who were you talking to?
Claudia Mahler wrote
So hier’ s einige zufälligen Scheiße auf Deutsch. Ich werde Sie können nicht lesen dieses Recht ab dem Schlagholz, nicht wahr wetten? Wenn Sie dies hinter übersetzen, ist es wahrscheinlich nicht etwas schließt zu was ich habe eingetippt, eh? Lesen Sie die Linie in Zitaten, übersetzen Sie es, erwidert dann zu mir mit dieser Linie in der Nachricht, damit ich werde wissen, dass Sie ein wahrer Freund sind, stimmt zu? Aaaannnnnddd. ..go! „Ich wünsche, dass Ihr schnitzel in meiner Scheide war”
Hint: it’s German!
Claudia Mahler wrote
I’m so glad we’re married. Why haven’t you changed your little relationship status?
You’re a bad wife.
Claudia Mahler wrote
…a naughty, dirty wife…
Claudia Mahler wrote
Write a new blog, already. About the wedding at Jack-in-the-Box. It was lovely, wasn’t it?
Claudia Mahler wrote
Huttah! Get back from California, already.
I find it disturbing that, when typing in the web address for Facebook, I accidentally (almost automatically) typed http://www.fecesbook.com.
What does that mean?
And put your wedding ring on, missy. I know you’re not wearing it.
You don’t want me to call Dr. Phil.
Claudia Mahler wrote
Haha, I totally own your wall…48% of the comments are mine.
Yes, I tallied them up.
Yes, I’m a loser.
Yes, I’m not wearing any clothes and am taking pictures just for you. :P
Claudia Mahler wrote
Ha…I’m totally making a Flash animation about you.
Set to “Macarena.”
It’s genius.
Claudia Mahler wrote
Are your butts brown?
Claudia Mahler wrote
Edit for last post: replace “butts” with “eyes” and answer accordingly.
Claudia Mahler wrote
Turns out I eliminated all eye color in the end.
Go figure.
And yes, it’s going well, thanks for asking. :P
You will be pleased…..veeeeeeeeeery pleased…
Hehehe…
Claudia Mahler wrote
Question: exactly how horribly insulting can I be in this movie? Are you going to put any limitations on me? Example: I can dress you up as a girl but I can’t show you hanging out with Ross.
Etc.
P.S. Sex.
Claudia Mahler wrote
How the hell did you get 60 wall posts?!
Oh wait.
“…on paper?”
Haha, it’s time to mess with people! Here are snippits from several MSN messenger conversations I’ve had with some of my friends (mainly Aneel and E’raina) over the past year. They’re hilarious.
#1: in which we discuss a certain teacher and her husband:
E’raina: haha, her hubby came to the rink today and had a conversation with my boobs
Claudia: HAHA!
Aneel: yuck
E’raina: i almost cried
Claudia: I bet he’d like some firm ones for once
Claudia: :D
E’raina: haha
Aneel: ewe
E’raina: damn girl!
Claudia: Not that I look or anything…
E’raina: its hard to miss that
Aneel: haha yeah…
E’raina: its one of those “do your ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro”
E’raina: but with boobs
#2: in which we discuss the end of the year BBQ:
E’raina: too bad we don’t have friends with hot tubs
E’raina: or slip n slides
E’raina: or crack
Claudia: I have strippers hidden under my bed!
E’raina: I vote for Claudia’s house
E’raina: Hey C, do you ever have a day where you just want to whip Aneel with a piece of licorice?
#3: in which we discuss Aneel’s hotness:
Claudia: Don’t you think Aneel’s hot?
Claudia: I do
Aneel: o yeah it’s not a secret…lol
E’raina: damn right it isn’t
Aneel: I’m not the best kept secret
#4: in which I promote my website:
Claudia: www.geocities.com/antarctica_freak
Claudia: It is great
Claudia: Brilliant
Aneel: lol well you made it
Claudia: Therefore it is great
Claudia: Brilliant
Claudia: HAHA! I just opened my phone and got an eyeful of Alan crotch!
#5: in which we discuss (argue about) pasta for prom:
Claudia: I’ll bring pasta
Claudia: CLEAN pasta, Aneel
Aneel: why would it be dirty?
E’raina: teehee
Claudia: You were saying it was messy
Aneel: yeah pasta is
Claudia: Not all the time
E’raina: it can be
Claudia: But not all the time
Aneel: exactly
Aneel: but it can
Claudia: BUT NOT ALL THE FREAKIN TIME!!!
Claudia: Gang up on me, why don’t ya?
E’raina: i love pasta
E’raina: i’m all about the pasta
Aneel: lol it’s ok I like it to sometimes
E’raina: I love it!
Claudia: …so pasta?
#6: in which Aneel and I discuss what we’re doing at the moment:
Claudia: Did you just say something?
Claudia: …Sharma?
Aneel: yeah whats up>?
Claudia: Government final :(
Claudia: You?
Aneel: I’m decorating my glasses case
Claudia: To make it more manly?
Claudia: Does he really count as a boy?
Claudia: He’s an…Aneel
Aneel (talking about his government final): do you think Hall would care if I did the whole research paper in landscape format?
#7: in which Aneel and I discuss the final government question:
Aneel: what creative thing did you do for a bill becoming a law?
Claudia: I just did a flowchart
Claudia: You haven’t done that yet?
Aneel: nope
Aneel: flowchart?
Aneel: how do you make one of those?
Claudia: Yeah
Claudia: Just draw it
Aneel (like 5 minutes later): on paper?
Guess who JUST GOT MARRIED?!
Hooray! Aneel and I got married today! We went to Jack-in-the-Box to do it (not THAT do it…I meant get married! You sick-minded weirdos…). E’raina apparently can perform the marriage ceremony legally. Unfortunately, though, Aneel would not put on a dress.
UPDATE: Pics are up, people! Right here.
Haha…
Gahaha…I was just looking at all my old MSN conversations (for the past year or so) and I’ve had some of the weirdest (an many) names. Just thought I’d post them here cause I have nothing else to blog about today.
“Mother Theresa called…she HATES you!”
“MANIFESTATION!”
“…Some as big as your head!” (Haha, sorry, E’raina!)
“Never again will I let a Kit-Kat eat ME!”
“I am the Postmaster General!”
“What WOULDN’T Jesus do?”
“I’m an astrophysicist, and I’m studying Uranus”
“South Carolina: if at first you don’t secede, try, try again”
“Fun, fun, fun ’till your daddy takes the TiVo away!”
“Nebraska: the “N” is for Knowledge!”
“It’s unwise to bet against the Harlem Globetrotters”
“Horse Genetalia: How to make it work for you!”
“Crunchatize Me, Cap’n!” (oh god, this night was hilarious)
“Ellipses for all!”
“This just in: geophagists around the world are biting the dust!”
“Where’s Godot?”
“TYRANNOSAURUS SEX!”
“The A.D.D. Association’s Book of Wild Animals of Nor—Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
“Atheists—they don’t have a prayer!”
“Wordplay is better than Foreplay”
“I think it was Socrates who said, “hello! My name is Socrates!”
“Club sandwiches, not seals!”
“Screw this, I’ve been waiting for Godot FOREVER! I’m goin’ to get a taco! Hey, how long can these titles be, anyway? Oh wait end.”
“Australian is not a foreign language”
“Why isn’t “Craig” short for “Craigory”?
“Americans suck. Why can’t they be more like me? I like my own butt” (a happy little Haiku!)
“My good friend Jason the quadriplegic is going for a walk and—oh wait.”
“Winning one game of ‘Operation’ does not qualify you as a surgeon”
“I am not the kind of person who is easily distract—OMFG A PUPPY!”
“The sun has absolutely nothing to do with anything”
“I peed in the gene pool”
“I stink therefore I’m Spam”
“Shut up, Susie, Mommy’s trying to drink!”
“Quoth the raven: ‘CAW! CAW!'”
“If good things come in little packages, what’s the big deal with natural male enhancement?”
“Claudia can’t think of a good display name: the display name”
“The roof, the roof, the roof appears to have spontaneously combusted!”
“Math derives me crazy!”
“And God said, ‘let there be Eras Light ITC!’”
“Waiter! There’s a quadriplegic in my Jazzercise class!”
“Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought, ‘where the hell is the ceiling?!’”
“Sticks and stones can break my b—OW MY FEMUR!”
“Life is Pietzsche”
“The Day that Camus backed into a Sumac was the Day the Palindrome was Born!”
“Solving a circumference problem? Ha! Easy as pi!”
“Without an absolute, I can be absolutely fine”
“What did the mean cat say? Mu!”
“Comma Sutra”
“Pb Zeppelin”
“Tyrannosaurus SEX!”
“Choco Leibniz: The Best of All Possible Cookies” occasions separate
“U Kant Touch This” (Stop. Trancendental time.)
“Symbolic Logic? Man, everything’s backwards in Symbolic Logic. Especially the E’s.”
“Mobius Striptease”
“Soylent Glitter”
“The Best of All Possible Display Names”
It’s time for some crazy posting in another language!
Naw, just kidding. I tried, but apparently MySpace doesn’t like Chinese characters.
So here’s my actual blog:
SOMEONE added me as a friend on Facebook…I am happy. Very happy. Joy to the world, sing it from the rooftops happy.
I feel loved.
Joy to the world, stick it down your pants loved.
Wee.
Words with Aneel
Hey, Aneel! Remember that day long ago when I was trying to talk to you on messenger but you weren’t there so I had this little “conversation” with you? Here it is:
Aneel says: Ah, lovely day, isn’t it?
Claudia says: Yes it is, Aneel. What events have you planned for such a glorious day?
Aneel says: Perhaps a walk out-of-doors, though I’m not really much of an outdoors type.
Claudia says: That’s quite true.
Aneel says: Quite.
Claudia says: Quite.
Aneel says: I feel a boredom coming over me.
Claudia says: Perhaps a song will cheer you up. How about a rendition of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat?” A round. I’ll start:
Claudia says: “Row, row, row your boat / Gently down the stream…”
Aneel says: “Row, row, row your boat / Gently down the stream…”
Claudia says: “Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily / Life is but a dream!”
Aneel says: “Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily / Life is but a dream!”
Claudia says: Did that cure your boredom?
Aneel says: Yes it did, dear friend, thank you.
Claudia says: You’re welcome.
Aneel says: My boredom is cured thanks to your genius and wit. I shall nominate you for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Claudia says: Thank you, my friend, but I’m afraid it’s already been done. I’ve already written my acceptance speech as well as acceptance speeches for the Pulitzer Prize, the Emmys, the Grammys, and the Oscars. They all start out the same: “Back when my dear friend Aneel broke the mirror off his car…”
Aneel says: Oh, how witty! Ha-ha!
Claudia says: Ha-ha!
Aneel says: Ha-ha!
Claudia says: I do feel this is the most meaningful conversation we’ve ever had.
Aneel says: I quite agree.
Claudia says: How much longer do you think we can keep up such a piece of wit and hysteria?
Aneel says: A fortnight, perhaps.
Claudia says: Perhaps.
Aneel says: By-the-by, I have what you call a “blind date” set up for Wednesday night. However, I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. Their name is “Kelly”.
Claudia says: Traditionally, the spelling K-E-L-L-Y is a masculine form of the name, and I suggest you back out (unless you’re into same-sex dating). However, since these are crazy, mixed-up times we live in, perhaps it is a girl, in which case I suggest you bring chocolates.
Aneel says: Once again, your genius saves the day.
Claudia says: Thank you.
Aneel says: You’re welcome.
Claudia says: Oh, what a faux pas! I just ordered PINK flowers for a friend whose favorite color is RED!
Aneel says: You’re in a pickle now. As they say, “LOL!”
Claudia says: Yes, “LOL” indeed.
Claudia says: I just read my horoscope. Would you like to hear it?
Aneel says: Of course, for if you will remember, your horoscope is the same as mine.
Claudia says: Oh, silly me! “LOL!”
Aneel says: Ha-ha!
Claudia says: Ha-ha!
Claudia says: Here it is: “Aquarius: your extreme skills in the field of gynecology will have great impacts on your social life. Be cautious, however; the wrong person will leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth.”
Aneel says: “Gynecology?” You must be joking.
Claudia says: I never joke.
Aneel says: The nerve of this newspaper!
Claudia says: Quite!
Claudia says: I’m going to write a letter to the editor. A strongly-worded, opinionated, and occasionally blasphemous letter to the editor.
Aneel says: You will strike a blow for decency.
Claudia says: Don’t say “blow”.
Aneel says: Sorry.
Claudia says: I knew that Pulitzer Prize acceptance speech would come in handy.
Aneel says: You’re quite right!
Claudia says: I must go now, Aneel, as my hand is fevered with passion at this topic.
Aneel says: ‘Ta!
Claudia says: ‘Ta!
I found this in my messenger history this morning and laughed for about an hour. Too bad we don’t really have these kinds of conversations!
I look that good in my underwear! Honest!
Wee! Homework is done! Here’s a fun little experiment I did. I googled several of my friend’s first names and selected the first image that came up on image search. Results:
“Amy” (aww…lookit the puppy…)
“Aneel” (the resemblance is uncanny)
“Candida” (eeewww…)
E’raina (recent dorm activity perhaps? )
“Paula” (a relatively normal one!)
“Shannyn” (no wonder we’re getting married!)
“Rob” (The first one I clicked on said “forbidden”. The next one was this)
Finally, I did mine:
“Claudia” (why yes, that is me)
Hope I didn’t offend anyone! Especially you, Aneel. That one was pretty racy.
Ch-ch-check it out!
It’s another one of my blog titles that has nothing to do with the actual blog!
Anyway, so Rob and I were talking online because I was doing math and was hating it and wanted someone to talk to, so we got all…how to say it…”philosophical”, in a way, and I got this grand idea, because I’m so lonely, to get a golf ball and paint a little face on it (ala Cast Away so that I can have a little friend in my room to talk to.
My new best friend, Titleist. He’s a Virgo with a promising future in makeup artistry. He has a weakness for poetry and enjoys, on occasion, a horse ride on the beach during a sunset.
*cough*gaygolfball*cough*
Experiments in social deprivation
Alrighty then. Haven’t seen a single person I know since Monday. Haven’t actually talked to anyone for more than half a minute since Monday.
Goin’ kinda nuts.
I feel kinda like Tom Hanks in Cast Away, except I am not on a deserted island, I don’t have volleyball friend (though I should…Wilson seemed quite intelligent), and I don’t work for FedEx.
Oh. And I’m not Tom Hanks.
It will make a good psychology project. Wilson Syndrome: Social Deprivation Plus Balls.
I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard…
…in my entire life!! That was the best time I’ve ever had with my friends. Here goes the sequence of events:
1. Candida and Shannyn and I wait for Aneel and E’raina and Amy while Aneel picks out a swimming suit.
2. Go up to room and try on sexy lengerie (including Aneel).
3. Get pizza.
4. Get miscellaneous crap from WinCo.
5. Swim swim!
6. Stripping for Shannyn!
7. “Team America!”
8. Get awful news that Aneel has to leave.
9. Aneel vanishes!
…
And now the fun REALLY starts…
So Aneel leaves and Shannyn and Candida go into the other room we rented. This leaves Amy, E’raina and I. We watch some dating shows on TV (including Next), and we ponder pillow fighting, which occurs. As we’re doing this, E’raina starts texting Aneel, asking him…um…”personal” questions while he is desperate for pics of our pillow fights. Then he went to bed cause we wouldn’t give him any pictures.
Then E’raina and Amy were messing around on the beds and then we were all lying in one bed and we started having these conversations about SUBWAY!! We were talking about cucumbers and that led to the best quotes of the night:
-“Crunchatize me, Cap’n!” ~E’raina (this had me laughing for about three hours)
-“Subway…eat fresh!” ~Amy
-“Subway…eat fresh…with Jared!” ~Me
And here are some other fun ones:
-“It’s gettin’ cold in here…so put on all your clothes…” ~E’raina
-“The tusk senses all!” ~Me
Holy crap…we were laughing so hard…then Amy and E’raina started wrestling and I took some photos in the dark, which I have to get developed real soon. I don’ think we had any neighbors, or else we would have gotten kicked out of the hotel.
That was the best night I’ve ever had!!
Turn off the lights! T-t-turn off the lights!
Man, I’m bored. Can you tell? A week from now, I’ll be decorating my dorm room…creepy.
Tonight, however, is my happy party! Hooray!
…
…
Short blog. 101 is always worse than 100.
“I’m going to be a great movie star some day”
You know what’s great about my friends?
~ I can strip in front of them and they just want to join me.
~ They don’t laugh at me, they laugh with me (mainly because I’m always laughing at myself. Weirdo.).
~ They let me ride in their cars (Aneel and Amy!).
~ They take me up to the surgical center on the hill and we do fun things.
~ They do this:
…and don’t give me crap about the extreme glare coming from my whitey-white legs.
They all rock my socks!
(photo courtesy (that means stolen) from Aneel’s pictures page!)
My title’s a Marilyn Monroe quote, by the way.
“Serious” conversations with Aneel and E’raina
Ola!
So tonight, Aneel and E’raina came over and we had some “serious” conversation in the living room.
Some topics:
1) Aneel’s femininity
2) my dad’s leg lamp
3) our college goals (E’raina’s: “to get a date with an upperclassman”; Aneel’s: “to get a date”; mine: “to get straight A’s” )
4) breast size/bra size/explaining to Aneel the relationship between the two
5) Hunter’s hotness
6) PUSSAY!
I love these guys!
Fun with Candida, Aneel, and Amy
Wee! Yesterday, Aneel, Amy, and Candida kidnapped me late at night and, after making a quick run to Wal-Mart to buy Candida a bra, we went over to Shannyn’s mom’s house and watched “The Sixth Sense”. It wasn’t too freaky…the best part was when we were watching all the dead people and Shannyn’s dog jumped onto Aneel’s man-bits.
Then we (Aneel, Candida, Shannyn’s brother and I) went outside and got yelled at for being too loud. Then we tried to sleep on the trampoline, but it was too cold so we went inside.
We stayed up till 3 A.M. Hooray!
Friends + ice cream + water + plastic bags = FUN!
Today my buds Candida, Shannyn, Amy, Aneel and I went to Baskin Robbins and got ice cream. Then we went down to the field, threw pinecones at Aneel (okay, I threw pinecones at Aneel), compared our bras, I put on a…um…show ( ), and then we went to Shannyn and Candida’s house.
There, we harassed Aneel some more when we played a game involving throwing a ball up into the air and shouting a person’s name. They have to catch the ball and yell “freeze” after everyone scatters (or tries to). Then they have to throw the ball at someone. It was fun.
After about 8 rounds, I jumped into their Jacuzzi to get away from Candida. Fully clothed. Hehe. And Aneel had the car. This created a problem, considering the car he was driving was his parents’ car, and considering that he is a car seat.
So what did I do? After playing a twisted game of Uno, I made Candida get me two plastic bags. I made leg-holes in one and wore it like a diaper. I put a head-hole and two arm-holes in another and wore it like a shirt. I tied the handles together in the middle, and voila! Sexy see-through! Too bad I had my clothes on underneath . Shannyn’s dad got pictures.
It’s too bad E’raina missed it. E’raina, it’s too bad you missed it. We all missed you!
Come back soon!
Fun with the Periodic Table!
More geeky fun!
Let’s see if my friends’ personalities match up with the descriptions of the elements on the Periodic Table that their initials spell out! Annnnnd…go!
First is me. Cause I’m always first.
1) Claudia: Curium (Cm)
Description: Atomic number 96, Curium was discovered in 1944 and is named in honor of Pierre and Marie Curie. It is created by bombarding plutonium with helium ions and is so radioactive it glows in the dark. Very limited quantities.
Uses: used on a Mars expedition as a part of the Alpha Proton X-ray Spectrometer.
How it Kills: accumulates in bone tissue, where its radiation destroys bone marrow and therefore ends red blood cell creation.
2) Aneel: Arsenic (As)
Description: Atomic number 33, Arsenic was discovered in 1250 and is Greek for male (rendering the accuracy of this description to the personality of Aneel as non-existent). Naturally occurring.
Uses: poison, shotgun pellets, lasers, glass, and mirrors.
How it Kills: when inhaled, lung cancer. When touched, skin cancer. When ingested, intestine and liver damage.
3) Candida: Calcium (Ca)*
Description: Atomic number 20, Calcium was discovered in 1808 and makes up about 3.5f Earths crust. It is the fifth most abundant element, and occurs only in compounds.
Uses: dehydrating oils, fertilizer, concrete, and bone (duh).
How it Kills: too little of it, and you become a crippled person with crappy bones. Too much of it, and you get kidney stones!
4) Eraina: Erbium (Er)*
Description: Atomic number 68, Erbium was discovered in 1843 and is named after a town in Sweden. It is rare, and is often found with other heavy rare earth metals.
Uses: photographic filters, neutron absorbers, pink pigment in ceramics.
How it Kills: fire and lung embolisms and liver failure! Oh my!
5) Paula: Protactinium (Pa)*
Description: Atomic number 91, Protactinium was discovered in 1917 and is the parent element of Actinium (holy crap, thats Alan! Sorry, Paula!). It does not occur in nature.
Uses: basic scientific research (due to rarity).
How it Kills: toxicity and radioactivity!
6) Rob: Rubidium (Rb)
Description: Atomic number 37, Rubidium was discovered in 1861 and, though abundant, is so widespread that it is difficult to obtain large amounts of it. Latin for “red”.
Uses: fireworks, atomic clocks, vacuum tubes.
How it Kills: makes fire…on water!
7) Shannyn: Antimony (Sb)
Description: Atomic number 51, Antimony was known to the ancients. Though it is not abundant, it is present in over 100 minerals. Most antimony is from China.
Uses: mascara, infrared detectors, diodes, plastics, and chemicals.
How it Kills: makes you broke! (Get it? Get it? Okay, kill me.) Actually, it is very similar to Arsenic poisoning (sorry, Shannyn!) and large amounts lead to death in a few days. Small doses cause dizziness, headaches, and depression.
* These unfortunate people do not have an element if I use their initials. So I used the first two letters of their first names instead!
I need some form of serious psychiatric help. Seriously. I’m analyzing my friends through the use of the Periodic Table of Elements.
Accuracy? You tell me.
The lonely summer of an only child
When I was younger, I used to think that “only child” was pronounced as “lonely child”, and I actually think that this pronunciation is more accurate, in a way.
Every summer, I get out of school and stay home while both my mom and dad continue to work at the U of I from 8 until 5. So I basically have 9 hours each day to do…whatever. So in an average summer, I have 495 hours of complete aloneness.
Obviously, this gives me plenty of time to do experiments, make movies (Lego movies!) and otherwise just mess around. However, after about 1 1/2 months or so, some sort of psychological phenomenon occurs–I go insane.
Some documented proof that this occurs around the middle of the month of July:
1) The Desert: late July of 2005 (I think…it was made at 1 in the morning )
2) Attempt at making a flying machine: August of 1999 (unsuccessful, obviously)
3) Hiking with Altoids: A Documentary: a strange movie made in late July of 2000
4) The Grandpa Twins: another strange movie with sock puppets made in July of 1997, I think
And these are just the ones I remember.
I kinda like the craziness…I come up with some pretty cool things. Plus, I don’t have to deal with any siblings!
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