Note: this has nothing to do with tax deductions.
I’ve been on a roll lately with dorky quotes. Most of them involve my partner-in-strangeness, Maggie, on MSN. Here are a few of them:
Maggie: and now the eternal debate: death by fire or ice…
Me: I say ice, but then I think that it would be cool to have said about you that you truly went out “in a blaze of glory”…doesn’t have the same effect when you go out “in a glacier of glory.” But what if you got run over by a glacier? “Mmm…Thor see big ice cube…ugh!…Thor’s foot under ice cube…Thor forgot to write will…who will get Thor’s mammoth?…”
“Leprechauns are pantsless. They have no spines, also. They’re actually worms who speak broken English and know only a few words, such as “Ey!” and “Oh no!” and “Me Lucky Charms!”
Me: Now I am holding up a picture. It is an inkblot. What do you see?
Maggie: an inkblot.
Me: You’re insane.
My mom (talking about the weather): We’d better keep the cats in tonight; there’s a big band coming towards us.
“What do you call it when a midget gets the services of a prostitute? A low-blow!” (a joke of mine from, what, 2005?)
Maggie: dum dee dum dee dum…
Me: *Turkey in the Straw theme*
Maggie: *depressing d minor bass solo*
Maggie: *debates whether or not to resolve it to D major*
Maggie: *slams head on keyboard*
Me: *throws handful of bandages through the air before realizing that you’re not actually in the same room*
Me: *feigns medical skills*
Me: *begins CPR on a beanie baby*
Me: *flips out, realizing resuscitating a beanie baby does as much good helping you as giving a high-five to George W. Bush helps him with his presidency*
“Alan has holes! I’ve seen them!”
Maggie: Out of curiosity, what happens if the bonfire accidentally lights the Sistine Chapel on fire?
Me: Jesus will have my ass.
Maggie: What if Jesus is in the Sistine Chapel at the time?
Me: God will have both Jesus and my asses, but he will resurrect Jesus’ ass after three days on a day that will be called “Asster.”