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The only reason I feel remotely comfortable posting about this is because I know I won’t get these up for like another couple of months or so and by then I’ll (hopefully) be feeling better…
…but man. My will to continue to exist is just not present at the moment. I haven’t felt like this in a long, long time.
It’s really rough.
Status Update:
Still sad. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with my stupid brain this year, but it needs to cut it out and get back to normal. I’m sick of this.
I don’t care about this blog anymore
I don’t care about anything anymore, really.
2017: The Year where Nothing is Actually Terrible but My Brain is Convincing Me Everything is Terrible because My Brain is Terrible.
Blah.
51klfjalsdkfj
Did you ever see something so ugly that you just wanted to punch it?
That’s me every time I look in the mirror!
THE DEATH FACTOR
I’m in a morbid mood this year tonight, so you get some death talk.
Okay? Okay.
I like the thought of death. I don’t mean that I currently actively want to die right now (though I’ve felt that way a few times this year*), but I still just like the thought of death.
I figure it’s because death is something that’s going to happen at some point or another. Like, you can’t get away from it, you can’t get out of it, there’s nothing you can do to prevent it.
It happens to everyone. It will happen to you, it will happen to me.
And it’s incredibly personal. There’s going to be something—be it a medical condition, an illness, an accident, or something else—that’s going to end my life. I will have an experience completely unique to me that will put an end to my existence as a living being.
I just think that’s really, really neat. I like the idea of death, as weird as that sounds.
*I’m not going to actually do anything, so chill.
Sometimes I’d just like to delete this blog from the face of the earth
Sometimes I’d like to just delete myself from the face of the earth too, but I guess that’s taboo to talk about, eh?
Whiiiiiiiiiiiiine
My head hurts.
My soul hurts.
sdkjfhaskldjfhalkdjf
I hate this stupid blog and I hate my stupid self.
The end.
Well I Feel Awful
So I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I have been incredibly sad since the beginning of the year. I mean, I usually get a little down around New Year’s because New Year’s, but this year it’s just been terrible.
Like, I haven’t felt this sad in a long, long time.
I wish it would stop. It’s killing my motivation and productivity.
UGHLSKDFJALFEAPFEFKNVKFJADF
That is all.
Have Another Garbage Blog Post
Courtesy of your local garbage human being.
Yeah, this is all you get.
I don’t even caaaaaaaaaaaare anymore.
BUSLFHL
I am So. Goddamn. Sad. I hate the end of the year/beginning of the year. It always makes me very depressed no matter what the circumstances.
On the plus side, though, look at this manlicious thing I get to stare at above my computer desk now.
I’m Trying
Hey peeps.
So I had this incredibly long, incredibly personal blog post written out for today, but as I was going through all my blogs and actually publishing them, I felt like I wasn’t quite ready to make public everything that I’d talked about in this post.
I took the post and moved it to its own Word document with the goal of saving it for whenever I’m finally ready to talk about the stuff it contains.
I thought I was ready, but I’m not. I’m sorry.
I’ll try to convince myself to post it at some point, though, because despite the fact that its contents are incredibly embarrassing and shameful, I feel like it’s important to make it public so that people know about it.
Just not yet.
I’m sorry.
Thank
It’s ‘Murican Thanksgiving today! So in honor of that, here’s a list of things I am currently thankful for.
- I am thankful for my husband. Nate is an incredibly understanding, patient, kind, intelligent man, and I’m so fortunate to have met him and to have him love me as much as I love him. I truly believe that he is my soulmate.
- I am thankful for my mom. I don’t think there’s a way I could properly convey how much she’s done for me and how appreciative I am of everything she’s done and the fact that she lets me be who I am.
- I am thankful for my dad. We have a weird relationship (though I think my dad has a weird relationship with everyone, haha), but it works for us. He’s always done a lot for me, especially monetarily. For example, I wouldn’t be debt-free after 10 years of post-secondary school if it wasn’t for his help paying for my first undergrad run and letting me live in his basement when I went back and got my math degree.
- I am thankful for my kitties. Both Jazzy, who I see every day, and Annabelle, who I haven’t seen in quite some time, are incredibly important to me. They both needed just some love and attention in order to become wonderful little kitties.
- I am thankful for my job. It is the best job that I could possibly ever ask for, and the only way it could be better is if I knew it would be what I was doing for the rest of my life. Teaching stats really is my dream job, and I’m very fortunate to be able to do what I want for my job rather than be miserable (or at least less than happy) in a job that I don’t really have a passion for.
- I am thankful for my physical health. I very rarely get sick, I’m resistant to injuries, and I am physically capable of doing pretty much anything I need to do.
- I am thankful for the fact that my current circumstances allow me to walk as much as they do. This kind of goes along with the point about being physically healthy and the point about having the job that I have. I wouldn’t be able to do nearly as much walking if I wasn’t physically healthy, and I wouldn’t be able to do nearly as much walking if I had a regular 9-to-5 job.
- I am thankful for technology. Even (and maybe especially) the “smaller” technology, like calculators and watches. We’re surrounded by this stuff and use it constantly; it’s really easy to take it for granted.
- Finally, I am thankful for this blog. I might berate it and fail to update it regularly, but it’s a record of my past and thus is incredibly important to me. I’m glad it exists.
Aged Cheese
We’re in that time of the year where a lot of my friends have their birthdays. My birthday’s not until February (or I guess I could say my birthday was back in February, whatevs), but whenever I see a lot of other people getting a year older, it always makes me think about myself getting older as well.
I actually don’t have any issues with the idea of getting older (at least, I don’t have any issues with it yet, haha). In fact, I kind of like the idea. I like the idea of amassing your own stock of memories and your own history and your own place in all of the events that have happened since your birth. I like the idea of being able to say “I was there” or “I remember that” about events that keep getting pushed further and further into history due to the passage of time.
I mean, in a few years I’ll be 30 years old. Even with just that amount of time, I feel like I have so many memories and so many experiences. That’s really cool to me. And what’s even better is that I’ve got this blog, this record of (some of) my experiences that I can go back and look at and read when I’m older and want to “revisit” my life.
So yeah. I like the idea of getting older. I’m not afraid of it.
Along that same line of thought, I’m really excited about the idea of growing old alongside my wonderful husband. My soulmate. My grandma and grandpa on my dad’s side didn’t have the perfect relationship by any means, but whenever I think of living a life alongside someone, my mind always goes back to them. They were married for more than 50 years and were able to grow old together. I like that. I like knowing that our relationship is strong enough to plan on experiencing the rest of our lives together.
And that makes me super happy.
Say Yes to the Stress
If you’re stressed about the future, clap your hands
*clap clap*
If you’re stressed about the future, clap your hands
*clap clap*
If you’re stressed about the future
And you don’t care about rhymes because you’ve got bigger things to worry about and you should be doing something more productive than blogging about stupid nonsense and trying to make light of your own panic but you can’t because you’re stressed and panicking and freaking out
If you’re stressed about the future, clap your hands!
(*clap clap*)
Three words:
I
am
garbage.
I SUCK AT LIFE
I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck
I SUCK
[ [ [ [rage] ] ] ]
Do you ever have those days where you just want to sucker punch the universe?
That’s me today. I am angry. Almost irrationally so. Anytime I allow myself to think about what’s happened this semester, I just get so angry.
Probably too angry, since there’s not really anything I can do about it.
But UGH. It’s a draining feeling. I’m tired of feeling angry, but I have a hard time not feeling angry, you know?
BLAH.
[ignore this]
There’s something I’ve been meaning to blog about for…oh, about four years now. But I’ve never felt removed enough from this thing to be able to actually write about it.
But I feel like it’s almost time to just do it. Just write about it. It’s a big deal, it’s an important thing that’s happened, and it’s something that I haven’t ever really talked about to anyone. I’ve mentioned it in passing to a few people, but have never gone into any detail.
But I think it’s almost time to acknowledge it.
Anyway.
I’m not going to talk about it now, ‘cause I don’t want to just yet, but I just wanted you to know that there might be a pretty serious blog post in the near future.
So yeah.
Old Habits Die Hard
Or not at all.
I’m a horrible person.
TUANFUKFSD
Man, I just spent about an hour reading all my old emails between my UBC supervisor and myself.
I just logged on to that email to get info about an old account, why the hell did I decide reading all that crap was a good idea? I feel physically sick now.
Seriously. If I were to ever rank all the relationships I’ve ever had on a scale from “unhealthiest” to “healthiest,” that one would probably be the low point on the “unhealthiest” side.
That was not a fun time.
BRB, gonna throw up.
I am a CRAPFEST
Well, today was garbage. Panic attacks sure are fun, especially when they happen in the middle of the day while you’re at school and you have to go find the most private bathroom in the math building so that you can hyperventilate in peace.
Also, I’m saying “screw it” to NaNoWriMo this year. I’ve got school stuff to worry about and I’m not super in love with my story idea in the first place. Plus I’m pretty sure that I’d fail at it if I tried it, and I really don’t feel like failing at yet another thing right now.
Yay.
[ignore me]
A poem by Claudia:
I am worthless.
I am worthless.
I am worthless?
I am worthless.
I AM WORTHLESS
I
AM
WORTHLESS
I am
W
O
R
T
H
L
E
S
S
.
Worthelssworthlessworthlessworthless.
Worth
Less.
The end.
I will not let my insecurities rule my thoughts.
I will not let my insecurities rule my thoughts.
I will not let my insecurities rule my thoughts.
I will not let my insecurities rule my thoughts.
I will not let my insecurities rule my thoughts.
I will not let my insecurities rule my thoughts.
I will not let my insecurities rule my thoughts.
This has been another quality blog post brought to you by Claudia!
Eigenblogger 