HOT DAMN, Tukey Sandwiches!


No, that is not a misspelling.

NNNNH I have such a freakish urge to cook.
Hence these.

They’re a tribute to John Tukey, American statistician and source of horrible, horrible lunch meat puns. Yeah, I know, I made the joke two days ago and I haven’t been able to go 15 minutes without thinking, “exactly what would a Tukey sandwich entail?”
Ingredients, process, and general apology to Mr. Tukey as follows (I didn’t really measure stuff as I made this, so fair warning).

You will need:

  • Bread. A small loaf works perfectly. You’ll need six pieces.
  • Butter. About a tablespoon will work fine.
  • Cheese. Colby Jack is preferred. Make sure it’s in a block so you can slice it.
  • Turkey. Clean pieces of breast meat are best/neatest.
  • Bacon. Three long slices will suffice.
  • Mayo. 2-3 tablespoons.
  • Cinnamon. A teaspoon sounds about right.
  • Corn bread (or muffin) dry mix. Three or four tablespoons will be fine.
  • Oil. Just a bit, maybe a teaspoon.
  • Mrs. Dash.
  • Water.

What you need to do to make this awesomeness happen:

1. Cut the crust off the six pieces of bread so that you have nice little squares.

2. Take three of said squares and coat one side of each lightly in butter.

3. Take the other three slices and toast them lightly, just enough to get them a little brown and provide them with a bit of structural integrity.

4. Mix the teaspoon of cinnamon with the mayonnaise. Add more cinnamon if you’d like. Mine looked pinkish when I was done. Once the three toasting pieces are done toasting, spread the mayo/cinnamon mix on one side of each of the three slices and set aside.

5. Place the buttered slices butter-side down onto a frying pan and turn on to low heat. Cut a three medium-thin slices of Colby Jack cheese and put a square onto each piece of bread as they heat up (note: they have up here in Canada land these cute little rectangular cuboids of cheese. They’re smaller in area than the bread, but I think it works fine that way).  Sprinkle the cheese and bread with Mrs. Dash and let it cook until the underside of the bread is golden brown and/or the cheese is gooey.

6. Cook bacon (I’m lazy, so mine was precooked and all I did was heat it up in the microwave). Tear the strips in half and position them in an “X” position on the mayo/cinnamon bread.

7. Now it gets fun. Take the corn bread dry mix and mix it with the teaspoon of oil and some water. I really didn’t measure this, but you’ll want a consistency similar to that of the mayo/cinnamon. Don’t make it too moist, but don’t make it dry enough to crumble.

8. Lay out the turkey meat and spread it with the corn meal mix. It looks gross, I know, but it tastes good.

9. Fold the turkey into nice little square packets and place each packet onto the bacon and mayo/cinnamon bread.

10. Complete the sandwich by putting the cheese/Mrs. Dash bread on top of the turkey and securing with a pretty frill. In my opinion, these taste equally good hot and cool, so if you made a super mess out of your kitchen like I did, go ahead and clean before you try them.

Voila!


So why does this qualify as a tribute to Mr. Tukey again?
– There are six pieces of bread because he came up with the Six Pack Test.
– The sandwiches are square because he came up with the boxplot.
– They’re small because he coined the word “bit.”
– They’ve got turkey in them because DUH.
– Cinnamon is brown. He went to Brown University. I’m funny.
– He was born in Massachusetts. Corn muffins are the state’s official muffin.
– The turkey is also Massachusetts’ state bird, which is hilarious.
– He made significant contributions to jackknife estimation, hence Colby Jack cheese. It’s a stretch, but so is this entire thing.
– And I just assumed he liked bacon.

So yeah. This is why I should not be allowed to have free time.

5 responses

  1. Matt Farnsworth | Reply

    I’m hungry, so I’m going to go try these now. I do believe this recipe is the first I’ve seen that references “structural integrity”.

    Like

  2. […] HOT DAMN, Tukey Sandwiches! – I think the “pun to normal content” ratio is at its most ridiculous in this blog. […]

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  3. Lunch meat puns I didn’t even know that was a thing

    Like

  4. […] Tukey Sandwiches. Because statisticians deserve more food items named after them. Also, […]

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