HAHA! I’m actually doing this within a week of President’s Day. And for my 301st blog post. Pretty damn good, if you ask me.
Here is my official ranking of the Presidents, according to my own dorky opinion.
It basically goes: best presidents à presidents who didn’t do anything à bad presidents à really crappy presidents à Bush

Enjoy!

Millard Fillmore
Hell yes! Of COURSE Millard Fillmore, “The American Lois Philippe,” tops my list. Wow, M.F. rocks my world. He totally owned the Compromise of 1850 and preserved peace for a little longer in order to delay war. Wow…Millard Fillmore, you can manifest my destiny any day.

George Washington
When I was younger, I used to have a thing for George Washington. I don’t really know why. He was basically like the first waffl—before the first waffle (bear with me, here: it’s crappy analogy time), no one knew quite how to make waffles, or how to go about eating them. The first waffle, however, proved as a template for all future waffles, in both the process of making them and eating them. America watched as George Washington was made, and then ate him.
Or something like that.
It worked out in my head.
But yeah. Go George!

Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson rocks. He just rocks. He doubled the size of the United States with the Louisiana Purchase, advocated the separation of church and state (he got this from Locke, I believe), and he was basically a total Renaissance man. Plus, he flippin’ DRAFTED THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. I love you, Thomas Jefferson.

Theodore Roosevelt
Woo! Roosevelt! This awesome guy gets an automatic fourth from me, just cause the documentary I saw on him was very interesting and he seemed like a very cool guy. Truly an excellent, excellent president. Where’s this guy when we need him today?

Abraham Lincoln
Woo! Lincoln! Oregon voted for him! He did a rather spiffy job of dealing with the Civil War, both during and after. Too bad he didn’t hear that the play got bad reviews.

Harry S. Truman
Poor Truman. He gets stuck with the bomb. Then the Soviet Union. I feel sorry for this dude…no one liked him until his terms were over. WTF, United States? WTF. Alaska and Hawaii are blameless.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Hurrah for the New Deal! Hurrah for the liberal judge packing of the Supreme Court! Hurrah for the dealing with of Pearl Harbor, save the internment camps! I like this guy. He did pretty well in his dealings with the Depression. Too bad his middle name wasn’t “Delanor” instead of “Delano” though, cause then we’d have an “Eleanor Delanor Roosevelt” and that would be awesome.

Ulysses S. Grant
Ah, I love Grant. He’s a man’s man. He smoked like hell, fought a bunch of guys in the Civil War (not to mention he accepted Lee’s surrender at Appomattox), and enjoyed scandals in office (Whiskey Ring fun!). Proof that, if you gain power, you should not select your moron friends to be your cohorts.

Thomas Woodrow Wilson
You’ve gotta watch the hell out for a guy whose nickname is “Schoolmaster in Politics.” He was all, “No child labor, bitch!” and “No more Manifest Destiny fun! Get your butts in line, America!” and “Oh damn, a war.” He proposed a League of Nations, which failed, but got the Nobel Peace Prize for it, anyway. He was rather productive. An ‘A’ for you, W. Wilson.

William Howard Taft
Taft had to follow Teddy Roosevelt—not an easy task. He did rather well, though, and I don’t think he ever got caught in the bathtub for too long. Have you seen this guy? A school bus! His nickname was “Big Lub,” which is enough right there to push him higher on my list.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Ugh, I’m gonna stay away from this one due to sheer fear that I’m going to insult someone (I mean, even more so than normal. This presidency’s like a loaded canon). I will say one thing though—I find it rather funny that Lee Harvey Oswald gets a big “oh no you DIDN’T” in prison by being shot by Jack Ruby. I guess little Ruby thought, “hey, I’m already in prison, and this guy shot the prez!”

William Jefferson Clinton
Lemme tell you something…for all the crap Clinton’s gotten for the whole Monica Lewinsky thing, he’s been the one break in this Republican insanity that my peers and I have been experiencing for our entire lives (mid- to late-Reagan administration to Bush II now). Yes, his personal life sucked, but he was a good president. And I find it sad that we’ve decided to judge him almost solely on his personal life.

James Knox Polk
“Who is James K. Polk?” Apparently, that’s what everyone was asking back in 1844, because that was what his campaign slogan was. Way to go with the question-asking, Polk, you got people’s attention. If he were alive today, I’m sure thousands of us on Facebook would be getting Poked by Polk. It would be like an hourly thing. Anyway, Polk gave us a butt-load of territory but also divided the country even greater over the issue of slavery. Plus, he basically retired from the presidency, took a little buggy ride home, and died.

Stephen Grover Cleveland
First, points must be deducted for his using “Grover” instead of “Stephen.” Second, points must be added because this guy was somehow able to serve two nonconsecutive terms (with that little weirdo Harrison in between). Third, Idaho voted for the Populist’s candidate when they first become a state. What the hell? Who the crap was Weaver? Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Cleveland. More points go to him cause Aneel lives on Cleveland St.

Chester Alan Arthur
You wanna talk mutton chops? No? Okay, I’ll review Chester Alan Arthur instead. This guy’s hilarious. First off, the quote at the top of this page about him reads, “I may be president of the United States, but my private life is nobody’s damned business!” Plus, one of his allies, upon hearing he won, said, “Chet Arthur? President of the United States? Good God!” He pretty much ignored everybody and did things his own way. It was a short little run, but hey…we can call it a sprint.

John Adams
This poor guy—he had to follow George and he didn’t really want to be in the position of mediating between the Federalists and the Democratic-Republicans in the first place. Plus, I don’t think Jefferson liked him very much. Hamilton didn’t either. Same with all the anti-French. I want to hug him.

Gerald Rudolph Ford
This guy was the first non-elected vice AND non-elected president, which makes him basically go “Oh shi—” when getting the presidency. He pardons Nixon, works to restore the economy, and attends the Helsinki conference, all to end up with America still disliking him enough not to reelect him. How’s that for a shot in the butt?

Ronald Wilson Reagan
Oh noes! Reagan! Minnesota hated him, and for a good reason—after ever major even in Reagan’s life (even before he became President) was followed relatively closely by a world problem: Reagan’s born; WWI begins. Reagan begins acting career; WWII begins. Reagan marries; Pearl Harbor gets bombed. Reagan gets divorced; North Korea invades South Korea. This is tragic, but really damn hilarious. He moves up on the list just because of this.

James Monroe
This guy kicked Quincy Adams’ butt in the election of 1820—231 electoral votes to 1. It must have been nice to be president during the “Era of Good Feelings.” Hey, it got him “Era-of-Good-Feeling President” as a nickname! His only real issue was kind of ignoring slavery with hopes that it would just go away.

James Madison
I love the fact that his two nicknames are, like, polar opposites of each other: the big, strong, important-sounding one, “Father of the Constitution,” and this one: “Little Jemmy.” It’s also kind of strange that he was a Federalist but didn’t really want a central U.S. government power. I don’t quite know what to think of little Mr. Madison—should I like him or hate him?

James Buchanan
He seemed rather reasonable and responsible, but yet the Confederate states began to secede from the Union while he was president. Poor Jamesy-James. Have you seen pictures of this guy? He looks like a hard-ass. I’m surprised he didn’t keep S.C. in line with a slap or two. “I’m James Buchanan, bitch!”

William McKinley
Apparently, his nickname was “Idol of Ohio.” I would’ve made it “Willy McKin’ey” cause that sounds a whole lot better. He was the first person Idaho voted for when it became a state. I think this guy needed some balls. Badly. “Oh no, I’m getting pressured by the media…I guess I’ll invade Spain, but I’ll do it hesitatingly and with a crumpet in my hand…” And what’s up with the tariffs, McKinley? Seriously…what is up?

Zachary Taylor
Good ol’ “Rough and Ready” apparently wasn’t rough enough to live for more than a year serving as president. But hey, that’s okay—you know why? MILLARD FILLMORE TOOK OVER FOR HIM!! WOOOO!!!

William Henry Harrison
This guy made the longest inaugural speech ever. This was his undoing, for he died of pneumonia a month later. I will honor his memory with a nice short ranking.

John Calvin Coolidge
He is considered one of the lesser presidents. Why? He didn’t really do anything. He sat in his little chair for six years and didn’t really get the whole concept of these “farm” things that were all across the country. He did do that thing with the Federal Radio Commission, though, but he failed to acknowledge the skyrocketing stock market, which was one of the main reasons the Depression occurred. Hm…the “stock market.” Must be farmer jargon or something.

Rutherford Birchard Hays
Ah, what would the United States have done without Rutherford Birchard Hays? Wait…who was Rutherford Birchard Hays? I dunno, but his nickname was “His Fraudulency.” Nobody liked him, probably because he was honest. He had to reign in crazy Grant’s administration’s work! Plus, he only won by one electoral vote and lost the popular…sound familiar?

Franklin Pierce
Haha…”Handsome Frank” has got to be the best nickname in the universe. Although Pierce really didn’t do anything. Nothing. His whole presidency can be summed up in one sentence: “The Compromise of 1850 rocked, at least until those new states showed up—I’m just gonna sign this act and then fade into obscurity, okay?”

Benjamin Harrison
Another president who really didn’t do anything—no scandals, even! That’s…scandalous! I think he just sat there day after day on the porch, occasionally saying, “I think I’d like some lemonade” or “I have to take a poo.” Seriously, his life was basically womb to Indianapolis to D.C. to Indianapolis to grave. Wee.

John Tyler
Mr. Tyler was the first to become president without being elected to the post. He kinda screwed up in the beginning by creating a Bank of the United States, which caused all but one of his cabinet members to resign. He did help with Texas…oh wait.

Dwight David Eisenhower
Truman felt he lacked a backbone, Nixon loved the hell out of him (not literally, though). He was a segregationist, which knocks him down a few pegs, but he also brought in the troops to help stop the blocked desegregation of Central High in Little Rock, so that brings him back up a few. How do you get “Ike” out of “Dwight David Eisenhower,” though? Back down a peg.

James Abram Garfield
Ah, Garfield—with your tabby hair and fondness for lasagna. How Jon puts up with you is a mystery. What would the daily paper be without your antics? You’re the best cat in the world.
Oh wait.

James Earl Carter
Carter’s been put in the bottom 10 for most of these presidential ranking things, so just because of that, he’s my 11^th bottom. Haha. He brought integrity and simplicity to the White House, but he also had that whole thing with the hostage crisis in Iran. And that whole Soviet Union thing.

Lyndon Baines Johnson
Kennedy is assassinated. This guy steps in as president. He attempted the Great Society and ended up with failing in the Vietnam War. He did have a couple civil discussions with MLK Jr., though.

Herbert Clark Hoover
This guy did not like war veterans…he seemed to be allergic to them. This guy handled the Depression like an eggshell handles a brick. This guy basically was pessimism embedded in a president. Basically, he sucked (haha, get it? Hoover vacuums? Hahaha…).

John Quincy Adams
This guy had the future in mind when he became president. However, he basically failed at everything he did. He had no social skills, no loyal supporters, and died on the floor of the House (that musta sucked). But we must cut him some slack; he was only number six, guys…we had to wait until number 13 (Millard Fillmore) to get the art of the presidency down.

Martin Van Buren
This is one weird-looking fellow. What the crap did he do? “Rose from obscurity…uh-huh…no qualms about supporting slave-holding states…uh-huh…”Martin Van Ruin”…haha…avoided war over Canada…damn…” Interesting. I don’t know if I approve of you, Van the Man…

Warren Gamaliel Harding
Nice! Another president upon whose street we’ve lived on! Harding invented the term “normalcy” and apparently the word “scandal”—he was involved in about six million during his presidency—Teapot Dome, anyone? Damn you, Interior Secretary Albert Fall, damn you!

Richard Milhous Nixon
Aahahaha …the nose…no nickname…Watergate…this guy should have been a comedian. But instead, we got this non-crook, ex-lawyer, SALT-I promoting Pinocchio as a president. Good times back in the 1960s…good times.

Andrew Johnson
Oh, snap! Impeachment! Misunderstanding, or pure jackassery? I’d say the latter, though it all could’ve been based on looks. This guy looks like Buddy Hackett on heroine. Seriously.

George Herbert Walker Bush
Ah, the lesser of two evils—the way the first third-degree burn is better than the second one. Wait, this guy passed the Clean Air Act?! WTF? Ah, well. I honestly don’t remember this guy being president. Sure, I was 1-5 years old during his term, but I remember my first sippy cup, and I don’t think I got that at age six. Anyway, his nickname was “Poppy,” and I can only conclude with laughter as I imagine the nicknames certain parts of his body must’ve had…

Andrew Jackson
How this guy got on the $20 bill, I don’t know. He vetoed the hell out of everything and basically used his power to block Congress if he thought it was wrong. Plus, he was a total ass to the Native Americans (not really an unusual thing back then, but hey…he was a real jerk). He did all this after promising the opposite in his inaugural address, by the way.

George Walker Bush
How this hobo got elected twice is beyond me. I guess it just shows the true stupidity of at least half this country. I don’t have much more to say…you all know THIS story.