GROW
So remember Captain Planet, my succulent? Remember how he looked like this back in July of last year?
Here he is now:
He’s so freaking big! I need to get him a bigger pot.
Growth
Everything is so depressing with Jazzy gone.
So depressing.
So let’s talk about life for a minute, shall we? Specifically, let’s look at Captain Planet.
Recall that Captain Planet is the succulent I bought a while ago at Safeway. When I got him, he was in a tiny little pot. I moved him to a larger pot a while ago, and he has super spread out since then. Check it:
He looks healthier, no?
H I L A R I T Y
So walking 30 miles takes me about 6.5 hours, right? During these 6.5 hours, I like to think.
Just think.
I think best while I’m out walking.
However, every once and a while, I’ll randomly think of some hilarious thing and just start laughing like an idiot while I’m walking.
Which I’m sure doesn’t make me look crazy at all.
Examples of such hilarious things?
- “It’s time for a new sheriff”
- “Stop bidding against me or I will invade you!”
- This freaking Vine
- That time Sean was running around the house wearing socks and just ate it on the hardwood floor. Aaron bought him some of those grippy socks from the dollar store to prevent future accidents.
- “I walk onto a terrace where I think I’m alone / But Arthur Fonzarelli’s got an army of clones!”
- That time Aaron, Lanky, and I put like 30 of those magic grow capsules in the toilet and Sean came home to a bunch of sponge animals clogging up the toilet bowl.
- That time I put like 30 of those magic grow capsules in a blender with some water and Sean came home to a bunch of shredded sponge animals and a blender clogged with partially dissolved capsule gunk.
- Brendan’s Dune “bloopers” script.
- That slowed down line in The Beetis song.
There’s more, but these are the recent ones.
Well, this week’s gone to hell.
Things that cheer me up:
- Teaching stats. Lots and lots of stats.
- Leibniz. Lots and lots of Leibniz. (Naked.)
- Calculus.
- MENERGY!!
- Rage Quit.
- AH in general.
- This.
- The Hitler in Captain Planet video.
And the comments on the Hitler in Captain Planet video:
- People going back in time to sell Hitler the atomic bomb is my top environmental issue too.
- Why the fuck does Hitler have a Hulk Hogan moustache?
- why the sweet hell does Hitler have a fu-manchu mustache?!
- Well there you have it. Those other kids can have their strong ring powers. Mati headbutted Hitler. All further arguments are invalid…
- What in the actual jumping monkeyfuck?
- Two perfectly weak windows to bust through, Captain chooses the wall.
- I can’t get over the fact that captain planet is so lame, you can literally defeat him by simply *hating* him hard enough.
- If you can’t trust Adolf Hitler, who the hell can you trust?
- those goofy Nazis
- Captain planet has the right idea, throw all of our problems INTO SPACE!!!
- The Furher does not barter. He CONQUERS!
- hahaha ‘stop bidding or else ill invade you’ wish i could use that on ebay
The history books, they’ve got it all wrong!
You guys, I just witnessed what is possibly both the most disturbing, strangest, and, in some spots, most hilarious 5 minutes of any Captain Planet episode ever made. Check it out.
The dialogue is genius. If I didn’t know Captain Planet, I would swear this was a parody. Yeah, it’s that bad. Or good, I can’t decide.
Best parts:
“Stop bidding against me or I will invade you!” (This rivals “asscockshitrapeFUCK” for me)
“Heil, Fuhrer, baby!”
“Just what do you think you’re doing, shorty?”
The fact that there are like twenty windows in that castle and Captain Planet decides to go through the solid stone wall instead (3:37). This had me on the floor laughing, literally. Use a freaking window, dude! And then he breaks the ceiling later.
“I’ve heard of neutron bombs, atomic bombs, and even smart bombs! But there’s no such thing as a good bomb!” No wiser words have been spoken in so strange a manner, my dear Captain.
And this one comment I found regarding the ending:
CAPTAIN P: “Oh, there’s the time hole thing!”
PLANETEERS: “Well, gee, Cap. While we’re here, do you think we could use our Ancient Elemental Powers of Asskicking to stop the Holocaust? Or the bombing of Pearl Harbor? Or the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki? Or…”
CAPTAIN P.: “TIME HOLE THING! GET IN RIGHT NOW! GO PLANET!!!”
This was awesome.
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