Waiter! There’s Voltaire in my English book! (what’re the odds of that?!)
This is a blog.
This is a blog for someone.
This is a blog for Matt.
This is a blog for Matt because he gave me a carpet square.
This is a blog for Matt because he gave me a carpet square which is now hanging in my dorm room as a piece of abstract art in a crappily-constructed “frame” and is properly entitled, “Look Beyond the Matt.”
So kudos to Matt.
For the carpet square, and in general.
Claudia Mahler Appreciation Week!
Okay people, it’s time for the most important week of your lives: from January 29th-February 4th is CLAUDIA MAHLER APPRECIATION WEEK!
This week, like all other weeks (duh) runs for seven days and seven nights (it’s almost biblical it’s so amazing!) and involves the worship of me.
Cause I rock your socks.
Actually, we just needed something to fill the awful void of the week surrounding Groundhog Day.
Anyways, here are a few recommended rituals/gifts:
Acceptable:
~Cash (small bills in an unmarked briefcase preferred)
~Facebook messages
~MySpace messages
~Blog comments (these especially!)
~Some sort of bonfire
~The Sistine Chapel
~Millard Fillmore’s tombstone and/or Millard Fillmore
Optional:
~Human sacrifices
~Carpet squares
~Crappy poetry (a.k.a. any poetry)
Don’t even think about giving me:
~Nocturnal marsupials
~Any form of country music CDs
~Answering machines
~Cuisinarts
~Any comments involving the phrase “OMG WHY R U SO SPESHUL LOL!”
~The plague/syphilis/Tae-Bo videotapes
Claudia Mahler Appreciation Week wanes into International Unleashing of the Alter Egos Week (February 11th-February 17th). Other weeks/days of pure insanity include:
~April 20th…hehe.
~Talk Like A Shakespearean Actor Day (April 23rd)
~Maggie McRae-Skinner Week (May 6th-May 12th)
~Outdoor Intercourse Day (May 8th)
~And swing it all back around to the beginning of next year: Millard Fillmore Appreciation Week (January 6th 2007-January 12th 2007)
Have fun! I know I will.
Note: it is not recommended you take Claudia Mahler Appreciation Week too seriously. Overexposure to Claudia Mahler may cause severe headache, respiratory distress, insomnia, lack of libido, erectile dysfunction, and the inability to play Scrabble. If you are pregnant, nursing, or may become pregnant, you probably shouldn’t smoke (but you can still participate in Claudia Mahler Appreciation Week!).
Millard Fillmore Appreciation Week!
On December 28th, I wrote this:
“Agh!
Millard Fillmore!
Who is this guy and why do I suddenly have such an obsession with him? He is, like, the ONE president absolutely NO ONE remembers. What’d he do? NOTHING! I mean he only became president because Taylor bit it. And what kind of name is “Millard”, anyway?
Well, I’ll give him points for single-handedly bringing down the grades of thousands of elementary school children across the country when they’re asked to recite the list of the Presidents of the United States and are unable to remember the name “Millard Fillmore”.
Also, bonus points must be given because he and my dad were born on the same day of the year. Perhaps that means that my dad will fall into the same obscurity as…
…oh, shoot, what’s his name, again?”
This obsession still continues. Today, I realized that it was Millard Fillmore’s birthday. So I’ve decided to declare the week of January 7th-January 14th Millard Fillmore Appreciation Week!
During this week, I declare that us (my dorky friends and I) annoy each other with random Millard Fillmore facts. I myself will be posting a random Fillmore Fact™ at the end of all my blogs.
Let’s have a cheer for America’s most obscure president!
Oh no, not again…
Agh!
Millard Fillmore!
Who is this guy and why do I suddenly have such an obsession with him? He is, like, the ONE president absolutely NO ONE remembers. What’d he do? NOTHING! I mean he only became president because Taylor bit it. And what kind of name is “Millard”, anyway?
Well, I’ll give him points for single-handedly bringing down the grades of thousands of elementary school children across the country when they’re asked to recite the list of the Presidents of the United States and are unable to remember the name “Millard Fillmore”.
Also, bonus points must be given because he and my dad were born on the same day of the year. Perhaps that means that my dad will fall into the same obscurity as…
…oh, shoot, what’s his name, again?
Oh noes!
Okay…this is disturbing…
These are the 5 Aquarian presidents: William Harrison, Abraham Lincoln, William McKinley, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Ronald Reagan. Of these five, four had assassination attempts, and of those four, two were assassinated.
The only one spared of this trend was Harrison. He did die in office, like all the other Aquarians except for Reagan, but honestly, who gives a crap about Harrison? Did he do anything? I don’t recall much about him from History. He’s almost as unheard of a president as the Capricorn Millard Fillmore (“Millard who?”).
Yes, I am bored, how could you tell?
Rube Goldberg is haunting me!
This man is evil.
It’s official: I am being haunted by the spirit of the cartoonist who is single-handedly responsible for MHS physics students’ nervous breakdowns at the end of every school year–Rube Goldberg.
I am in the process of cleaning out all my crap before I start college. At every turn…in every corner…under every piece of furniture…I find remnants of my stupid Rube Goldberg project/paper/poster. It’s starting to really freak me out.
The Presidents, the Presidents!
I have no life.
Since the streets of our town are in no particular order (at least the Presidential streets aren’t) I live on Grant St. and Aneel, who lives one street down, lives on Cleveland St.
So I decided to see which one of our Presidents was the best.
I present to you the Cleveland-Grant Comparison!!!!
**President Grover Cleveland (the 22nd and 24th President)**
Pros:
– The only President to serve two non-consecutive terms.
– Reduced high protective tariffs.
– Saved the U.S.’s gold reserves during the depression of 1892.
– Helped out Venezuela.
Cons:
– His first name is Grover (a good name for a blue guy, but not for a President).
– Married a girl 22 years younger than himself.
– Screwed over Civil War veterans.
– Pissed off the railroad people. You just didn’t want to do that back then.
– 1st Democrat elected after the Civil War (Democrats were bad back then).
**President Ulysses S. Grant (the 18th President)**
Pros:
– Kicked the Confederates’ BUTTS during the Civil War!
– His memoirs earned him over $450,000 (holy crap!). But then he died.
– Was a radical Republican (Republicans were good back then).
– Was a friend of Abraham Lincoln’s.
Cons:
– Didn’t do crap in the White House…this is both good and bad.
– Went broke after his Presidency.
– Accepted presents as President. This is a no-no.
VERDICT: Grant wins!…but barely. He had the same number of pros as Cleveland, but one less con. Draw your own conclusions. I have drawn mine, and they have won me a blue ribbon in the art show.
As I said, I have no life.
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