So school starts up again tomorrow. And I’m super nervous about it.

Well, okay, I’m always super nervous about school. I’ve basically been in high anxiety mode since 2006. You might wonder what the hell I’m so nervous about. I’ve had almost a decade of college now (DEAR GOD, THAT’S DEPRESSING) and I’ve already gone through a master’s program. What’s the big deal?

The big deal is the following: that first master’s program? That was the worst two goddamn years of my life. Every day was miserable and the thought of going to campus made me physically ill on several occasions. I hated meeting with my supervisor because I knew I would get berated to some degree no matter what we were talking about.

I was so nervous and stressed out that most of the second year is gone from my memory. Seriously. I don’t remember much school-wise beyond just being miserable and wanting to quit. I wanted to quit so badly. I honestly have no idea how I finished that thesis and successfully defended it. My fear and anxiety made me procrastinate and I really didn’t get started on things until March (I had to defend in June). Really, I was just not in a good mental place that entire year.

And while I know this time is almost completely different in every aspect, I still have that fear and anxiety about the process. And I still get nauseous whenever I have to meet with Dr. Chen just because of how bad things were between my supervisor and me before. I know Dr. Chen’s not like that at all, but there’s still that fear.

There’s still the fear about everything regarding this whole thing.

And that’s why I’m super nervous.