Tag Archives: msn messenger

Everything’s funny at 4 AM. Especially this.

Sean and I should not be allowed to talk on Messenger to each other so late at night/early in the morning. This particular conversation started about an hour ago, at 3 AM. We’d been talking since about midnight, and at this point Sean was pretty tired. But then I said one damn thing and we talked for another hour.

I have to say, this is probably one of the funniest MSN conversations I’ve ever had. Sean is amazing, I am amazing, and we’re both even more amazing this early in the morning.

I was going to fix the formatting to my standard, but then was all, “screw it, it’s 4 in the morning.” So you get what you get. And as if it needs mentioning, I’m “Action Leibniz!” and he’s “Giant Enemy Crab.”


Action Leibniz! says: Maybe you should go to bed before you purchase a small island or something
Giant Enemy Crab says: I need to be straight-jacketed promptly at midnight
Giant Enemy Crab says: oh man, my own island would rock!
Giant Enemy Crab says: I’m doing that RIGHT NOW
Action Leibniz! says: Haha
Action Leibniz! says: Haha, I just realized most of my Flash productions are made after midnight
Giant Enemy Crab says: holy gods
Action Leibniz! says: If your theory holds true, that explains a lot
Giant Enemy Crab says: this shit be expensive
Action Leibniz! says: Are you seriouly looking up islands?
Giant Enemy Crab says: well, it’s not like I’m just gonna stumble on to one, is it?\
Action Leibniz! says: Haha, Sean, go to bed!
Giant Enemy Crab says: hold on
Giant Enemy Crab says: I can totally afford this if I kill my whole family for their bank accounts
Action Leibniz! says: Hahahaha

Giant Enemy Crab says: [link]
Action Leibniz! says: Looks nice
Giant Enemy Crab says: someone is actually selling AN ENTIRE ISLAND on eBay
Action Leibniz! says: That’s awesome
Action Leibniz! says: At least their feedback score is 100%
Giant Enemy Crab says: hahaha
Giant Enemy Crab says: well good, that means they didn’t like void the warranty on it first or something
Giant Enemy Crab says: haha, imagine the feedback
Giant Enemy Crab says: “product as described: it was actually an island, yes”
Action Leibniz! says: Hahaha
Giant Enemy Crab says: “good value for price: yeah, I guess so, I don’t know how much fuckin’ islands usually go for”
Action Leibniz! says: “Very good climate, friendly natives, would buy from again! A+”
Giant Enemy Crab says: haha, yeah
Giant Enemy Crab says: “would totally buy from this seller again, but seriously – how many godsdamn islands do I need?”
Action Leibniz! says: Hahaha
Giant Enemy Crab says: I mean, it’s kinda one of those things where you really only need one for the full effect
Action Leibniz! says: Apparently they usually sell beds
Action Leibniz! says: “Got the bed, slept in it, totally pleased!”
Action Leibniz! says: Awesome feedback
Giant Enemy Crab says: man, this guy likes selling things that cost a lot and you don’t really find yourself shopping for that often
Giant Enemy Crab says: I mean, how many times in the last year have you bought a bed
Giant Enemy Crab says: let alone an island
Action Leibniz! says: Haha
Giant Enemy Crab says: oh, wait
Giant Enemy Crab says: it’s not the whole thing
Giant Enemy Crab says: WELL FUCK HIM, THEN
Giant Enemy Crab says: I’m not paying a million dollars for like part of an island
Giant Enemy Crab says: for that much, I get the whole damn thing!
Action Leibniz! says: I was going to say, that sounds awful cheap for a whole island
Action Leibniz! says: Hmm, personal hurricane bunkers
Action Leibniz! says: And missle silos
Action Leibniz! says: This guy has everything!
Giant Enemy Crab says: wow, I was AFK
Giant Enemy Crab says: missle silos?
Giant Enemy Crab says: for real?
Action Leibniz! says: $2.1
Giant Enemy Crab says: SOLD
Action Leibniz! says: Yeah
Giant Enemy Crab says: bwahaha
Giant Enemy Crab says: “shipping costs to: 83843 – not listed”
Action Leibniz! says: Hahaha
Giant Enemy Crab says: fucking FedEx won’t bring my island to me
Giant Enemy Crab says: what, I gotta go over there??
Action Leibniz! says: He never said I had to do that!
Giant Enemy Crab says: this was not in the item description!
Giant Enemy Crab says: I will leave a negative feedback now!
Action Leibniz! says: Haha
Giant Enemy Crab says: feedback: one negative:
Action Leibniz! says: “WHY CAN’T YOU SHIP THIS PIECE OF EARTH TO MOSCOW?”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “I had to go to my island! I paid a MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS, WTF MAN??”
Action Leibniz! says: Hahaha
Action Leibniz! says: Oh man
Giant Enemy Crab says: I love taht
Giant Enemy Crab says: that*
Giant Enemy Crab says: “shipping: see description”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “it’s an island”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “we regret that we can’t send it anywhere”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “it’s pretty much staying right where it is”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “go read a geology textbook”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “or, you know, just go outside now and again”
Action Leibniz! says: Hahaha
Action Leibniz! says: Wow, that’s really funny
Action Leibniz! says: “Island Lake Superior”
Action Leibniz! says: It’s like, this is THE island
Giant Enemy Crab says: haha
Giant Enemy Crab says: the one you heard so much about
Giant Enemy Crab says: here’s another one
Giant Enemy Crab says: “shipping: pickup only”
Action Leibniz! says: Hahaha, really?
Giant Enemy Crab says: why won’t they just let you post “COME ON, THERE IS NO FREAKING WAY THIS IS MOVING FROM WHERE IT CURRENTLY IS LOCATED”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “UNLESS LIKE A HUGE TYPHOON HITS IT BUT WE REALLY DON’T THINK YOU’D LIKE THAT ANY MORE THAN THE POOR BASTARDS WHO LIVE THERE”
Action Leibniz! says: Haha
Action Leibniz! says: Haha, on the Lake Superior one
Action Leibniz! says: “The beach: words fail to describe it”
Action Leibniz! says: Then there’s a whole paragraph describing it
Giant Enemy Crab says: HAHAHAHA
Giant Enemy Crab says: seriously, I could describe it
Action Leibniz! says: I’ve been to all the beaches, man, and this one is the BEST
Giant Enemy Crab says: “mostly it’s sand, but you’ll notice as you go out there’s more and more water”
Action Leibniz! says: You might notice a point where you can’t breathe anymore. That’s the real deep part of the water
Giant Enemy Crab says: “after a certain point enough water is present that we can safely say the beach has terminated”
Action Leibniz! says: “But that’s not in the auction, you don’t get that, sorry”
Giant Enemy Crab says: haha, yeah
Action Leibniz! says: He probably has another auction: Lake Superior–everything BUT the island
Giant Enemy Crab says: “you only paid for the island, not the ocean too”
Giant Enemy Crab says: hahaha
Giant Enemy Crab says: imagine that description
Giant Enemy Crab says: “bargain: we sold some other tard just the island”
Action Leibniz! says: Hahaha
Action Leibniz! says: “You get the good stuff”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “you get fish and water”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “both of which are marketable resources”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “but not to the degree you’re gonna make money”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “let’s not kid ourselves, here”
Action Leibniz! says: “Plus, your property can wash onto theirs in storms and destroy stuff, now how satisfying is THAT? Bid NOW!”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “you’ll show them”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “some hurricane comes? they’re FUCKED. you, your stuff just gets moved around some”
Action Leibniz! says: Haha, that would be the best eBay product ever
Giant Enemy Crab says: I’d totally buy Lake Superior off an online auction
Action Leibniz! says: I wonder how much that would go for
Giant Enemy Crab says: haha, they’d cancel my FAFSA loans
Action Leibniz! says: Haha
Giant Enemy Crab says: under assets I’d put “Lake Superior” and they’d be like “one thing this guy does not need is more money”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “what’s he gonna try to buy next, betelguese?”
Action Leibniz! says: Hahahaha
Action Leibniz! says: We need galaxies on eBay next
Giant Enemy Crab says: I would buy that without thinking
Action Leibniz! says: That would be so great
Giant Enemy Crab says: “why can’t you pay your rent again?”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “there’s a small planetoid orbiting alpha centauri? preliminary flybys indicate it may be rich in iron deposits?”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “oh man, you mock me now, but wait until the interplanetary mining trade takes off”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “I’ll be rich as shit”
Action Leibniz! says: Haha
Action Leibniz! says: Best excuse not to pay rent
Giant Enemy Crab says: haha
Giant Enemy Crab says: “don’t worry, I’ll pay up later, with interest!”
Giant Enemy Crab says: just as soon as we develop faster than light travel
Action Leibniz! says: Haha, exactly
Giant Enemy Crab says: now that’s planning ahead
Action Leibniz! says: Though technology to do so is probably on eBay somewhere
Action Leibniz! says: “Go faster than the speed of light using our amazing springy shoes!”
Giant Enemy Crab says: haha, I’m gonna sell a perpetual motion machine
Action Leibniz! says: You’d get a complaint, “It stopped moving”
Action Leibniz! says: “You broke it, no refunds”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “product matched description: not even! it quit after a few hours! poor seller! F—–“
Action Leibniz! says: Haha
Giant Enemy Crab says: semi-perpetual motion machine
Giant Enemy Crab says: it goes on for a bit then stops
Giant Enemy Crab says: it’d be like a little wheel hanging from a rim
Action Leibniz! says: Those should be marketed, people would fall for it so hard
Action Leibniz! says: “They’re getting closer!”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “it really works, too!”
Giant Enemy Crab says: science is sure amazing
Action Leibniz! says: Haha
Giant Enemy Crab says: much better feedback
Giant Enemy Crab says: “product matches description: it really did stop after a bit! A+++++++++++++++++”
Action Leibniz! says: Hahaha
Action Leibniz! says: “We didn’t think it would, but after watching it for about fifteen minutes it really did!”
Giant Enemy Crab says: fifteen minutes?
Giant Enemy Crab says: they spun the wheel REALLY HARD
Giant Enemy Crab says: haha, “fzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”
Action Leibniz! says: “Best part: the dog brushed against it and it repeated the WHOLE PROCESS! Man, we didn’t think it would stop the second time, but it did!”
Giant Enemy Crab says: (for best results imagine the expression of someone making the above onomotopeia)
Action Leibniz! says: Haha
Giant Enemy Crab says: (slowly decreasing in pitch to simulate deceleration)
Action Leibniz! says: “New: comes with sound effects!”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “it kinda whirrs a bit”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “review: whirring noise was wrong pitch, but otherwise fine. overall positive experience if you’re willing to make concessions”
Action Leibniz! says: Hahaha
Action Leibniz! says: “That was NOT a B flat whir”
Giant Enemy Crab says: “tried to tune my violin to it: DIDN’T WORK AT ALL”
Action Leibniz! says: “Warning to other users: do not tune from this”
Giant Enemy Crab says: that’s the guy that bought the island but didn’t get Lake Superior
Action Leibniz! says: Haha
Giant Enemy Crab says: he’s still bitter because of erosion
Giant Enemy Crab says: sore loser, that one
Action Leibniz! says: Haha, oh yes
Giant Enemy Crab says: oh shit, it’s 4 now
Action Leibniz! says: Haha
Giant Enemy Crab says: haha, I bet the really poor decisions will begin any time
Giant Enemy Crab says: I’d better go to bed
Action Leibniz! says: You should
Action Leibniz! says: Haha, I should, too
Giant Enemy Crab says: I was wondering if you ever sleep
Action Leibniz! says: When I get around to it
Giant Enemy Crab says: haha, well, talk to you tomorrow
Action Leibniz! says: Haha, okay\
Giant Enemy Crab says: blah, after work
Giant Enemy Crab says: 7 hours is always too long no matter what
Action Leibniz! says: Agreed
Giant Enemy Crab says: then again, I just bid on an island, so I should start saving
Action Leibniz! says: Haha
Giant Enemy Crab says: anyway
Giant Enemy Crab says: おやすみなさい
Action Leibniz! says: Goodnight

Wouldn’t it be awesome if “onomatopoeia” was an onomatopoeia? What kind of sound would that be?

One question: what the hell were these?

These are snippets of various MSN conversations in which I make absolutely no sense at all. These may look like they’re out of place solely because they’re out of context. Au contraire, reader, they look out of place because they simply are out of place. These essentially had nothing to do with anything we were talking about at the time. Quite funny. Rather disturbing. Most of these are from freshman semester.

 

I love that…”looking for K? Find exactly what you want today”
Experiment:
Dang, it didn’t work
Oh wait! *clicks all links* :P

Plus, I’ll always have Titleist!

Is she mad at me?
Is Aneel mad at me?
Is Aneel even alive?

I don’t accumulate in bone tissue, either…that I know of

Eh…moon, stars, Uranus…

EEGs have shown it
When it’s connected to my head
The inner workings are like a glove
Why? I don’t know
I don’t feel like completing that analogy, cause in fact I just compared pants to a glove
Cause it…
…is fuzzy…
Eh, I’m tired

So I heard Aneel is a pothead now
(like a month later) So I heard Aneel is an alcoholic now

PAMELA ANDERSON!!!
Ah crap, wrong conversation

 

This was fun.

Quick side note: do you think I can convince the university to let me take 32 credits?

I almost flew off the handle last night until I realized I didn’t have wings…

Ahh, Sean, where would I be without you?

Well, I’d be looking up rarely used words online at 2:00 in the morning all alone, that’s where.

 This was fun. It was inspired by our Psych of Emotion class, in which our teacher claimed there was no exact English word for the German word Schadenfreude. It turns out there is—it’s epicaricacy. We found it on this online dictionary full of a bunch of rarely used words.

So here are some interesting ones in my opinion, plus some fun snippets of our conversation.

 Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: this is a goldmine for confusing people
*hsus says: hell yes
*hsus says: bookmarked

 Xenodocheiorology: love of hotels and inns

 Acritochromacy: colorblindness

 Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: Tittup
Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: To prance
*hsus says: haha
Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: I’m so using that in everyday conversation
*hsus says: good luck
Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: “Tittup over there and get me those papers!”
*hsus says: wow, you really need to be a teacher
Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: Haha
*hsus says: ‘cos for some reason that fits perfectly
Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: Final exam: “Tittup or F in the class. It’s up to you to figure out what that means”
*hsus says: haha
*hsus says: that’s cruel
Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: But oh so funny

 Adoxography: good writing on a trivial subject

 Adscititious: superfluous

 *hsus says: “oh, we’re covering this?”
*hsus says: “why, do you think we shouldn’t?”
*hsus says: “well, I’m just saying it’s a bit…adscititious is all”
Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: Haha
Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: “But…but we’re not talking about acid at all”

 Sacerdotophrenia: clerical stage fright 

 Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: Haha, schediasm
Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: Impromptu work
*hsus says: nice
*hsus says: that also describes my pscyh papers
Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: Same here
Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: And essentially every other paper I’ve written/will write
Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: Freud paper? OH SHIT
Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: Doctorate thesis? OH SHIT

Obdormition: when a limb “goes to sleep”

Steatopygous: pertaining to or characterized by a large buttocks

 Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: Parasigmatism
Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: Inability to pronounce the sound “s”
*hsus says: awesome
Leibniz Rocks My Socks says: Which would suck to tell someone you have, seeing as it has two “s”s in it
*hsus says: “I have para-…para-…fuck it”

 Perissotomist: a knife-happy surgeon

I’m…DECAYING!!!

Trickery regarding sex is fun. And yes, Nick’s name is indeed “Brother Viagra.” That alone is funny. Read each line one at a time to get the full effect of an MSN conversation.

Brother Viagra says: guess what?
“noobs;” is a command in SAS!! says: What?
Brother Viagra says: valarie’s in my room!!
“noobs;” is a command in SAS!! says: Now?
“noobs;” is a command in SAS!! says: It’s 8 AM
Brother Viagra says: i know
Brother Viagra says: lol
“noobs;” is a command in SAS!! says: Oooh, tell me, tell me! Did you guys have some fun?
Brother Viagra says: okay I’ll tell you
Brother Viagra says: but don’t be shocked
“noobs;” is a command in SAS!! says: Okay
Brother Viagra says: we got home from the show at around midnight
Brother Viagra says: she was tired and so was I, but we had been making out at the show
Brother Viagra says: so I go, “I’m really tired”
Brother Viagra says: and she goes “me too”
Brother Viagra says: and then she goes “let’s do something to wake ourselves back up”
Brother Viagra says: so we fool around in the kitchen for awhile
Brother Viagra says: then we go to bed and have some amazingly hot…
Brother Viagra says: steamy…
Brother Viagra says: stimulating…
Brother Viagra says: coffee
“noobs;” is a command in SAS!! says: Haha!
Brother Viagra says: had you going there, didn’t I?
“noobs;” is a command in SAS!! says: Completely.
Brother Viagra says: so we were jazzed up all night and we’ve been up until now.
“noobs;” is a command in SAS!! says: You’re hilarious.
Brother Viagra says: i know 

Also this:

Not as good as the Yogi Bear thing, but I still think it’s hilarious.
“What the fuck would Kevin Bacon do?!”

proc blog; run;

Warning: the contents of this blog resemble a rambling. Do not view if excessive skipping from subject to subject pisses you off.
Warning: excessive exposure to Claudia’s blogs may cause brain aneurisms in approximately 0.005% of the population. If you feel your karma is not up to par at this time, please disregard this blog and go do something productive.
Warning: this blog is not for consumption. Seriously, if you’re that hungry, go get a taco or something.

 The title’s origin is a modification of a popular SAS command, in case you’re all, “WTF, that title doesn’t make sense.”

 Last night I dreamt in numbers. Seriously. The dream consisted entirely of these statistical equations. What was I doing? Solving them. In my dream. Really, the whole dream was just numbers and equations after numbers and equations. Do I need some sort of psychiatric help?

 I find this sad:
If I go to the University of Illinois, I’ll just be moving from one U of I to another.

 I find these to be the coolest pants ever (and they shall be mine)

 I find this to be a true fact in life:
Pumpkin seeds are the food of the gods.

 I find this to be interesting:
Only 2% of people with olfactory deficiencies have them because they are congenital.

 I find this depressing at yet shockingly fitting:
The direct translation of “lame” into Latin? Claudus.

 I find this conversation with Aneel to be quite amusing (sorry, Aneel):
Aneel: you know what tastes good?
Me: No, what?
Aneel: whipping cream
Aneel: as a beverage
Me: Oh gross!
Aneel: he he
Aneel: ugg I’ll get so fat i will be ginormous
Me: Haha, that’s what you get for drinking freaking whipping cream
Aneel: yeah but you see then i will be all soft and cuddly
Me: And then get dates?
Aneel: no be a recluse
Aneel: but a content happy recluse
Me: “I don’t need human interaction, I have my WHIPPING CREAM!”
Me: Haha, sorry, I’m hyper
Aneel: wish i was sometime
Me: Hyper or a whipping cream recluse?
Aneel: hyper

 I find this to be a survey (and hopefully you do, too):
1. Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating?
No, can’t say that I have.

 2. Is there a difference between the word ‘best friend’ and ‘friend’?
The fact that one of them is not a word but two words, yes.

3. Has anybody on your top ever admitted to liking you?
One, yes.

4. Do you miss anyone?
Nope.

5. Can you recall the last time you sincerely liked someone?
Yes.

6. When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
Oh god, it’s been a while now I think…

7. Who is your celebrity crush?
I’m not telling!

8. Can you touch your toes?
Nope.

9. Do you know anybody who was abused?
I don’t think so.

11. Is silence really golden?
No, it’s platinum!

12. Do you have any interesting tattoos or piercings?
Not yet.

13. Are you afraid to grow up?
Nah. After all, I’m almost twenty.

15. Can you count past 100?
Indeed.

16. What language are you taking?
FOL. Yes, I’m counting that.

17. Any upcoming vacations?
Spring break = tours of two potential grad schools.

18. If you had to marry someone on your top, who would it be?
Nick. It’d have to be Nick. He’s just that awesome.

19. Do you care what people think of you?
On occasion.

20. Would you call yourself smart?
Well, I do have a 4.0 and I am taking 25 credits this semester and I am graduating a year and a half ahead of schedule…

21. Do you like to read?
I love to read.

22. Do you own a pair of Nike’s?
Nope.

23. Have you ever touched an elephant?
Not that I recall.

24. Plans for tomorrow?
School. Rec center. Home for weekend fun.

25. Is anything wrong?
Not anything I can think of off the top of my head. I’m excitedly nervous about one or two things, but that’s okay. We’ll see what happens.

26. Would you kiss anyone on your top friends?
I have.

27. Do you want to go to college?
I’m in college!

28. What are you listening to?
“Hide and Seek”, Imogen Heap

29. Do you have a good relationship with your parent(s)?
Yes.

31. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Reading fan fiction and working on a Flash project. I know, I know, dork.

32. Name something you CANNOT wait for?
Graduation!

34. Have you ever talked to Tom?
Not directly.

35. Last thing you ate/drank?
Jolly Rancher!

36. Have you ever run with scissors?
Fool, are you crazy?!

37. Do you like peanut butter?
It’s okay.

38. Who’s making you feel the way you are right now?
Oh, someone.

39. Most visited web page?
MySpace, Facebook, and Google (simply because it’s my homepage).

40. Coke or Pepsi?
Neither.

41. Looking forward to something this weekend?
I don’t think so.

43. Do you have any pets?
Two cats.

44. What’s your favorite number?
11.

45. What are you watching now?
Nothing.

 46. Do you know how to swim?
Doggie paddle FTW.

 47. Is good grammar attractive?
Aw dang, I do dun like that thar learnin’!

49. Have you known any of your friends your whole life?
My whole life? No.

 50. Are any of your friends taller than you?
Almost every single one of them. I think two of them are shorter.

51. Have you ever been ditched by a friend?
It’s called “Jazz Fest 2002: Claudia Gets Ditched by “Friends” and gets Lost on Campus with a Tuba Twice as Big as She is.”

52. Where do your friends live?
Moscow.

 53. Have you lost or forgotten a friends phone number?
Haha, are you kidding? Of course!

 54. Have you been to most of your friends’ houses?
Quite a few of them.

 55. Do you currently like someone?
YAY.

56. Do they like you?
No idea.

57. Do you get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily?
I don’t have a girlfriend/boyfriend. But the one time I had a boyfriend, no, I didn’t.

 58. Has one of your crushes ever called you self-centered before?
Probably.

 59. Who do you want for President?
Me. I would straighten this country out in no time.

Orson Welles, put your pants back on!

So this probably won’t mean a single thing (or be funny at all) to any of you but Nick, since this was a snippet of a rather long conversation in which I get accused of being too wordy (me? Wordy? I know, shocking!). He just wanted me to post this somewhere, so in the blogs it goes.

I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says: So what’s the deal with you and Melissa?
St. Nick says:
we’re done, i think
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says:
Aw
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says:
I’m sorry
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says:
What happened?
St. Nick says:
oh, she just “happened” to kiss this really attractive male friend of hers who plays the didgeridoo
St. Nick says:
wtf didgeridoo
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says:
Haha
St. Nick says:
who the hell does that?
St. Nick says:
and how does it come up in conversation?
St. Nick says:
“hi, what’s your name?” “i’m tom. oh and by the way in case you were wondering cause everybody wonders, i play the didgeridoo”
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says:
A little bitter, are we?
St. Nick says: maybe a little
St. Nick says: but it’s all good cause this girl i met when i was in montana is actually going to school here and we’re gonna hook up tomorrow
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says:
Good lord, man
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says:
Take a breath
St. Nick says:
lol
St. Nick says:
i could say the same thing about you and your writing
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says:
What’s that supposed to mean?
St. Nick says:
that message you sent me was three pages long and all you basically said was that you liked your philosophy class
St. Nick says:
you know what you’re problem is?
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says:
Oh, enlighten me, Mr. Commander of the English Language
St. Nick says:
you’re too wordy
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says:
Ah!
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says:
Absolutely not!
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says:
Never am I too verbose as to get my point across clearly and concisely in a manner that is succinct and to the point while simultaneously being thorough in my explanation of my thoughts and attitudes!
St. Nick says:
lol case and point
St. Nick says:
best comeback ever lol
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says:
Thanks

Yeah, that’s all. Nick just wanted that last part to be immortalized. So there you go, you weird person, you. And stay away from me at the library.

Nick and I get philosophical (for about a nanosecond–then we dissolve into silliness)

Oh man…this was the funniest conversation over MSN I’ve ever had. I don’t know why, but at the time both of us were in hysterics (we had our mics on) over how “witty” we were. There were about minute-long gaps in between the posing of a “life is like…” statement and the response. I’m “Opinions,” Nick is “Blitz!”:

Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Question.
Blitz! says: shoot
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: What’s the meaning of life?
Blitz! says: to live long and prosper
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Haha
Blitz! says: life is like star trek
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: William Shatner is God.
Blitz! says: lol
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a lot of things
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Screw boxes of chocolate!
Blitz! says: i hear that
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a rodeo
Blitz! says: no matter how good you are, you’ll mess up eventually. Then you’ll be glad there are those clowns around to save your ass.
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Haha, that’s awesome!
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Give me one
Blitz! says: okay
Blitz! says: life is like a garden
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: If you do things right, it will involve at least one hoe and one bush.
Blitz! says: lol win
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like George Clooney’s underwear:
Blitz! says: sometimes it’s full of crap
Blitz! says: but a good kind of crap
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Oh my god, that’s really funny
Blitz! says: lol i’m a genius
Blitz! says: life is like a sentence
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life can’t be a sentence
Blitz! says: why
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Because rather than ending with a period, it begins with one
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Sort of
Blitz! says: holy shit, that’s clever
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Thanks
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a spelling bee:
Blitz! says: u go arownd speling things lik this and sumones going to kil u
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Haha
Blitz! says: life is like unprotected sex
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: It’s no fun going through with it wrapped in latex.
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Eh. What about this:
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like Dick Cheney:
Blitz! says: it doesn’t matter if you’re a nice person; it’ll still shoot you in the face one day when you’re least expecting it
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: You have no idea how much I’m laughing right now.
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Am I sick?
Blitz! says: lol yes
Blitz! says: life is like a sweet tart
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: The more you suck at it, the more you get engulfed by bitterness
Blitz! says: you’re friggin good at this
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: I know :P
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a simile
Blitz! says: lol i don’t think anything else needs to be said
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Ah, true

And then we go off and talk about homework, which is even more boring and even less funny (shockingly). Still, some of them are good, right?

Waiter! There’s an…aw, screw it, can I just get some pasta?

Haha, I’m so cruel. Poor Nick. This was at about 3 in the morning, mind you. He’s “Apathy,” I’m “The Roof.”

 

Who cares about apathy? says: will you help me get my english done, please? i’m so damn tired…
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Okay
Who cares about apathy? says: what’s “allegory?”
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Al Gore’s evil twin.
Who cares about apathy? says: shut up
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Seriously.
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: He thinks global warming is a myth and felt that the 2000 election was entirely unfixed.
Who cares about apathy? says: lol
Who cares about apathy? says: you amuse me so
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: I know :P
Who cares about apathy? says: i’m so tired i can’t think
Who cares about apathy? says: can’t get it done
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Oh, yes you can
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: You’re smart as a whip
Who cares about apathy? says: come now, you know how i detest clichés
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Whatever floats your boat

Then later,

Who cares about apathy? says: oh gross
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: What?
Who cares about apathy? says: i have a big bunion on my toe
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Why must you tell me this?
Who cares about apathy? says: lol
Who cares about apathy? says: what should i do with it?
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Name it “Paul”

 

Needless to say, he didn’t get his English finished in time, and I don’t know if he named the bunion Paul. And he’d probably hurt me if he knew I was posting this, but I don’t care! I’m trying to convince him to get a MySpace so I can bug him here as well.

Tax deduction! Tax deduction! Tax deduction!

Note: this has nothing to do with tax deductions.

I’ve been on a roll lately with dorky quotes. Most of them involve my partner-in-strangeness, Maggie, on MSN. Here are a few of them:

Maggie: and now the eternal debate: death by fire or ice…
Me: I say ice, but then I think that it would be cool to have said about you that you truly went out “in a blaze of glory”…doesn’t have the same effect when you go out “in a glacier of glory.” But what if you got run over by a glacier? “Mmm…Thor see big ice cube…ugh!…Thor’s foot under ice cube…Thor forgot to write will…who will get Thor’s mammoth?…”

“Leprechauns are pantsless. They have no spines, also. They’re actually worms who speak broken English and know only a few words, such as “Ey!” and “Oh no!” and “Me Lucky Charms!”

Me: Now I am holding up a picture. It is an inkblot. What do you see?
Maggie: an inkblot.
Me: You’re insane.

My mom (talking about the weather): We’d better keep the cats in tonight; there’s a big band coming towards us.
Me: Sousa?

“What do you call it when a midget gets the services of a prostitute? A low-blow!” (a joke of mine from, what, 2005?)

Maggie: dum dee dum dee dum…
Me: *Turkey in the Straw theme*
Maggie: *depressing d minor bass solo*
Maggie: *debates whether or not to resolve it to D major*
Maggie: *slams head on keyboard*
Me: *throws handful of bandages through the air before realizing that you’re not actually in the same room*
Maggie: +.+
Me: *feigns medical skills*
Me: *begins CPR on a beanie baby*
Maggie: x.x
Me: *flips out, realizing resuscitating a beanie baby does as much good helping you as giving a high-five to George W. Bush helps him with his presidency*

“Alan has holes! I’ve seen them!”

Maggie: Out of curiosity, what happens if the bonfire accidentally lights the Sistine Chapel on fire?
Me: Jesus will have my ass.
Maggie: What if Jesus is in the Sistine Chapel at the time?
Me: God will have both Jesus and my asses, but he will resurrect Jesus’ ass after three days on a day that will be called “Asster.”

“…on paper?”

Haha, it’s time to mess with people! Here are snippits from several MSN messenger conversations I’ve had with some of my friends (mainly Aneel and E’raina) over the past year. They’re hilarious.

#1: in which we discuss a certain teacher and her husband:
E’raina: haha, her hubby came to the rink today and had a conversation with my boobs
Claudia: HAHA!
Aneel: yuck
E’raina: i almost cried
Claudia: I bet he’d like some firm ones for once
Claudia: :D
E’raina: haha
Aneel: ewe
E’raina: damn girl!
Claudia: Not that I look or anything…
E’raina: its hard to miss that
Aneel: haha yeah…
E’raina: its one of those “do your ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro”
E’raina: but with boobs

#2: in which we discuss the end of the year BBQ:
E’raina: too bad we don’t have friends with hot tubs
E’raina: or slip n slides
E’raina: or crack
Claudia: I have strippers hidden under my bed!
E’raina: I vote for Claudia’s house

E’raina: Hey C, do you ever have a day where you just want to whip Aneel with a piece of licorice?

#3: in which we discuss Aneel’s hotness:
Claudia: Don’t you think Aneel’s hot?
Claudia: I do
Aneel: o yeah it’s not a secret…lol
E’raina: damn right it isn’t
Aneel: I’m not the best kept secret

#4: in which I promote my website:
Claudia: www.geocities.com/antarctica_freak
Claudia: It is great
Claudia: Brilliant
Aneel: lol well you made it
Claudia: Therefore it is great
Claudia: Brilliant

Claudia: HAHA! I just opened my phone and got an eyeful of Alan crotch!

#5: in which we discuss (argue about) pasta for prom:
Claudia: I’ll bring pasta
Claudia: CLEAN pasta, Aneel
Aneel: why would it be dirty?
E’raina: teehee
Claudia: You were saying it was messy
Aneel: yeah pasta is
Claudia: Not all the time
E’raina: it can be
Claudia: But not all the time
Aneel: exactly
Aneel: but it can
Claudia: BUT NOT ALL THE FREAKIN TIME!!!
Claudia: Gang up on me, why don’t ya?
E’raina: i love pasta
E’raina: i’m all about the pasta
Aneel: lol it’s ok I like it to sometimes
E’raina: I love it!
Claudia: …so pasta?

#6: in which Aneel and I discuss what we’re doing at the moment:
Claudia: Did you just say something?
Claudia: …Sharma?
Aneel: yeah whats up>?
Claudia: Government final :(
Claudia: You?
Aneel: I’m decorating my glasses case
Claudia: To make it more manly?

Claudia: Does he really count as a boy?
Claudia: He’s an…Aneel

Aneel (talking about his government final): do you think Hall would care if I did the whole research paper in landscape format?

#7: in which Aneel and I discuss the final government question:
Aneel: what creative thing did you do for a bill becoming a law?
Claudia: I just did a flowchart
Claudia: You haven’t done that yet?
Aneel: nope
Aneel: flowchart?
Aneel: how do you make one of those?
Claudia: Yeah
Claudia: Just draw it
Aneel (like 5 minutes later): on paper?

Haha…

Gahaha…I was just looking at all my old MSN conversations (for the past year or so) and I’ve had some of the weirdest (an many) names. Just thought I’d post them here cause I have nothing else to blog about today.

“Mother Theresa called…she HATES you!”
“MANIFESTATION!”
“…Some as big as your head!” (Haha, sorry, E’raina!)
“Never again will I let a Kit-Kat eat ME!”
“I am the Postmaster General!”
“What WOULDN’T Jesus do?”
“I’m an astrophysicist, and I’m studying Uranus”
“South Carolina: if at first you don’t secede, try, try again”
“Fun, fun, fun ’till your daddy takes the TiVo away!”
“Nebraska: the “N” is for Knowledge!”
“It’s unwise to bet against the Harlem Globetrotters”
“Horse Genetalia: How to make it work for you!”
“Crunchatize Me, Cap’n!” (oh god, this night was hilarious)
“Ellipses for all!”
“This just in: geophagists around the world are biting the dust!”
“Where’s Godot?”
“TYRANNOSAURUS SEX!”
“The A.D.D. Association’s Book of Wild Animals of Nor—Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
“Atheists—they don’t have a prayer!”
“Wordplay is better than Foreplay”
“I think it was Socrates who said, “hello! My name is Socrates!”
“Club sandwiches, not seals!”
“Screw this, I’ve been waiting for Godot FOREVER! I’m goin’ to get a taco! Hey, how long can these titles be, anyway? Oh wait end.”
“Australian is not a foreign language”
“Why isn’t “Craig” short for “Craigory”?
“Americans suck. Why can’t they be more like me? I like my own butt” (a happy little Haiku!)
“My good friend Jason the quadriplegic is going for a walk and—oh wait.”
“Winning one game of ‘Operation’ does not qualify you as a surgeon”
“I am not the kind of person who is easily distract—OMFG A PUPPY!”
“The sun has absolutely nothing to do with anything”
“I peed in the gene pool”
“I stink therefore I’m Spam”
“Shut up, Susie, Mommy’s trying to drink!”
“Quoth the raven: ‘CAW! CAW!'”
“If good things come in little packages, what’s the big deal with natural male enhancement?”
“Claudia can’t think of a good display name: the display name”
“The roof, the roof, the roof appears to have spontaneously combusted!”
“Math derives me crazy!”
“And God said, ‘let there be Eras Light ITC!’”
“Waiter! There’s a quadriplegic in my Jazzercise class!”
“Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought, ‘where the hell is the ceiling?!’”
“Sticks and stones can break my b—OW MY FEMUR!”
“Life is Pietzsche”
“The Day that Camus backed into a Sumac was the Day the Palindrome was Born!”
“Solving a circumference problem? Ha! Easy as pi!”
“Without an absolute, I can be absolutely fine”
“What did the mean cat say? Mu!”
“Comma Sutra”
“Pb Zeppelin”
“Tyrannosaurus SEX!”
“Choco Leibniz: The Best of All Possible Cookies” occasions separate
“U Kant Touch This” (Stop. Trancendental time.)
“Symbolic Logic? Man, everything’s backwards in Symbolic Logic. Especially the E’s.”
“Mobius Striptease”
“Soylent Glitter”
“The Best of All Possible Display Names”

Words with Aneel

Hey, Aneel! Remember that day long ago when I was trying to talk to you on messenger but you weren’t there so I had this little “conversation” with you? Here it is:

Aneel says: Ah, lovely day, isn’t it?
Claudia says: Yes it is, Aneel. What events have you planned for such a glorious day?
Aneel says: Perhaps a walk out-of-doors, though I’m not really much of an outdoors type.
Claudia says: That’s quite true.
Aneel says: Quite.
Claudia says: Quite.
Aneel says: I feel a boredom coming over me.
Claudia says: Perhaps a song will cheer you up. How about a rendition of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat?” A round. I’ll start:
Claudia says: “Row, row, row your boat / Gently down the stream…”
Aneel says: “Row, row, row your boat / Gently down the stream…”
Claudia says: “Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily / Life is but a dream!”
Aneel says: “Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily / Life is but a dream!”
Claudia says: Did that cure your boredom?
Aneel says: Yes it did, dear friend, thank you.
Claudia says: You’re welcome.
Aneel says: My boredom is cured thanks to your genius and wit. I shall nominate you for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Claudia says: Thank you, my friend, but I’m afraid it’s already been done. I’ve already written my acceptance speech as well as acceptance speeches for the Pulitzer Prize, the Emmys, the Grammys, and the Oscars. They all start out the same: “Back when my dear friend Aneel broke the mirror off his car…”
Aneel says: Oh, how witty! Ha-ha!
Claudia says: Ha-ha!
Aneel says: Ha-ha!
Claudia says: I do feel this is the most meaningful conversation we’ve ever had.
Aneel says: I quite agree.
Claudia says: How much longer do you think we can keep up such a piece of wit and hysteria?
Aneel says: A fortnight, perhaps.
Claudia says: Perhaps.
Aneel says: By-the-by, I have what you call a “blind date” set up for Wednesday night. However, I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. Their name is “Kelly”.
Claudia says: Traditionally, the spelling K-E-L-L-Y is a masculine form of the name, and I suggest you back out (unless you’re into same-sex dating). However, since these are crazy, mixed-up times we live in, perhaps it is a girl, in which case I suggest you bring chocolates.
Aneel says: Once again, your genius saves the day.
Claudia says: Thank you.
Aneel says: You’re welcome.
Claudia says: Oh, what a faux pas! I just ordered PINK flowers for a friend whose favorite color is RED!
Aneel says: You’re in a pickle now. As they say, “LOL!”
Claudia says: Yes, “LOL” indeed.
Claudia says: I just read my horoscope. Would you like to hear it?
Aneel says: Of course, for if you will remember, your horoscope is the same as mine.
Claudia says: Oh, silly me! “LOL!”
Aneel says: Ha-ha!
Claudia says: Ha-ha!
Claudia says: Here it is: “Aquarius: your extreme skills in the field of gynecology will have great impacts on your social life. Be cautious, however; the wrong person will leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth.”
Aneel says: “Gynecology?” You must be joking.
Claudia says: I never joke.
Aneel says: The nerve of this newspaper!
Claudia says: Quite!
Claudia says: I’m going to write a letter to the editor. A strongly-worded, opinionated, and occasionally blasphemous letter to the editor.
Aneel says: You will strike a blow for decency.
Claudia says: Don’t say “blow”.
Aneel says: Sorry.
Claudia says: I knew that Pulitzer Prize acceptance speech would come in handy.
Aneel says: You’re quite right!
Claudia says: I must go now, Aneel, as my hand is fevered with passion at this topic.
Aneel says: ‘Ta!
Claudia says: ‘Ta!

I found this in my messenger history this morning and laughed for about an hour. Too bad we don’t really have these kinds of conversations!