Orson Welles, put your pants back on!
So this probably won’t mean a single thing (or be funny at all) to any of you but Nick, since this was a snippet of a rather long conversation in which I get accused of being too wordy (me? Wordy? I know, shocking!). He just wanted me to post this somewhere, so in the blogs it goes.
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says: So what’s the deal with you and Melissa?
St. Nick says: we’re done, i think
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says: Aw
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says: I’m sorry
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says: What happened?
St. Nick says: oh, she just “happened” to kiss this really attractive male friend of hers who plays the didgeridoo
St. Nick says: wtf didgeridoo
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says: Haha
St. Nick says: who the hell does that?
St. Nick says: and how does it come up in conversation?
St. Nick says: “hi, what’s your name?” “i’m tom. oh and by the way in case you were wondering cause everybody wonders, i play the didgeridoo”
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says: A little bitter, are we?
St. Nick says: maybe a little
St. Nick says: but it’s all good cause this girl i met when i was in montana is actually going to school here and we’re gonna hook up tomorrow
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says: Good lord, man
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says: Take a breath
St. Nick says: lol
St. Nick says: i could say the same thing about you and your writing
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says: What’s that supposed to mean?
St. Nick says: that message you sent me was three pages long and all you basically said was that you liked your philosophy class
St. Nick says: you know what you’re problem is?
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says: Oh, enlighten me, Mr. Commander of the English Language
St. Nick says: you’re too wordy
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says: Ah!
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says: Absolutely not!
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says: Never am I too verbose as to get my point across clearly and concisely in a manner that is succinct and to the point while simultaneously being thorough in my explanation of my thoughts and attitudes!
St. Nick says: lol case and point
St. Nick says: best comeback ever lol
I Think it was Socrates Who Said, “Hello! My Name is Socrates!” says: Thanks
Yeah, that’s all. Nick just wanted that last part to be immortalized. So there you go, you weird person, you. And stay away from me at the library.
Nick and I get philosophical (for about a nanosecond–then we dissolve into silliness)
Oh man…this was the funniest conversation over MSN I’ve ever had. I don’t know why, but at the time both of us were in hysterics (we had our mics on) over how “witty” we were. There were about minute-long gaps in between the posing of a “life is like…” statement and the response. I’m “Opinions,” Nick is “Blitz!”:
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Question.
Blitz! says: shoot
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: What’s the meaning of life?
Blitz! says: to live long and prosper
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Haha
Blitz! says: life is like star trek
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: William Shatner is God.
Blitz! says: lol
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a lot of things
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Screw boxes of chocolate!
Blitz! says: i hear that
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a rodeo
Blitz! says: no matter how good you are, you’ll mess up eventually. Then you’ll be glad there are those clowns around to save your ass.
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Haha, that’s awesome!
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Give me one
Blitz! says: okay
Blitz! says: life is like a garden
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: If you do things right, it will involve at least one hoe and one bush.
Blitz! says: lol win
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like George Clooney’s underwear:
Blitz! says: sometimes it’s full of crap
Blitz! says: but a good kind of crap
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Oh my god, that’s really funny
Blitz! says: lol i’m a genius
Blitz! says: life is like a sentence
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life can’t be a sentence
Blitz! says: why
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Because rather than ending with a period, it begins with one
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Sort of
Blitz! says: holy shit, that’s clever
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Thanks
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a spelling bee:
Blitz! says: u go arownd speling things lik this and sumones going to kil u
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Haha
Blitz! says: life is like unprotected sex
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: It’s no fun going through with it wrapped in latex.
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Eh. What about this:
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like Dick Cheney:
Blitz! says: it doesn’t matter if you’re a nice person; it’ll still shoot you in the face one day when you’re least expecting it
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: You have no idea how much I’m laughing right now.
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Am I sick?
Blitz! says: lol yes
Blitz! says: life is like a sweet tart
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: The more you suck at it, the more you get engulfed by bitterness
Blitz! says: you’re friggin good at this
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: I know :P
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Life is like a simile
Blitz! says: lol i don’t think anything else needs to be said
Opinions are Nothing but Onions and Pi says: Ah, true
And then we go off and talk about homework, which is even more boring and even less funny (shockingly). Still, some of them are good, right?
Waiter! There’s an…aw, screw it, can I just get some pasta?
Haha, I’m so cruel. Poor Nick. This was at about 3 in the morning, mind you. He’s “Apathy,” I’m “The Roof.”
Who cares about apathy? says: will you help me get my english done, please? i’m so damn tired…
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Okay
Who cares about apathy? says: what’s “allegory?”
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Al Gore’s evil twin.
Who cares about apathy? says: shut up
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Seriously.
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: He thinks global warming is a myth and felt that the 2000 election was entirely unfixed.
Who cares about apathy? says: lol
Who cares about apathy? says: you amuse me so
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: I know :P
Who cares about apathy? says: i’m so tired i can’t think
Who cares about apathy? says: can’t get it done
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Oh, yes you can
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: You’re smart as a whip
Who cares about apathy? says: come now, you know how i detest clichés
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Whatever floats your boat
Then later,
Who cares about apathy? says: oh gross
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: What?
Who cares about apathy? says: i have a big bunion on my toe
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Why must you tell me this?
Who cares about apathy? says: lol
Who cares about apathy? says: what should i do with it?
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Appears to Have Spontaneously Combusted! says: Name it “Paul”
Needless to say, he didn’t get his English finished in time, and I don’t know if he named the bunion Paul. And he’d probably hurt me if he knew I was posting this, but I don’t care! I’m trying to convince him to get a MySpace so I can bug him here as well.
Tax deduction! Tax deduction! Tax deduction!
Note: this has nothing to do with tax deductions.
I’ve been on a roll lately with dorky quotes. Most of them involve my partner-in-strangeness, Maggie, on MSN. Here are a few of them:
Maggie: and now the eternal debate: death by fire or ice…
Me: I say ice, but then I think that it would be cool to have said about you that you truly went out “in a blaze of glory”…doesn’t have the same effect when you go out “in a glacier of glory.” But what if you got run over by a glacier? “Mmm…Thor see big ice cube…ugh!…Thor’s foot under ice cube…Thor forgot to write will…who will get Thor’s mammoth?…”
“Leprechauns are pantsless. They have no spines, also. They’re actually worms who speak broken English and know only a few words, such as “Ey!” and “Oh no!” and “Me Lucky Charms!”
Me: Now I am holding up a picture. It is an inkblot. What do you see?
Maggie: an inkblot.
Me: You’re insane.
My mom (talking about the weather): We’d better keep the cats in tonight; there’s a big band coming towards us.
Me: Sousa?
“What do you call it when a midget gets the services of a prostitute? A low-blow!” (a joke of mine from, what, 2005?)
Maggie: dum dee dum dee dum…
Me: *Turkey in the Straw theme*
Maggie: *depressing d minor bass solo*
Maggie: *debates whether or not to resolve it to D major*
Maggie: *slams head on keyboard*
Me: *throws handful of bandages through the air before realizing that you’re not actually in the same room*
Maggie: +.+
Me: *feigns medical skills*
Me: *begins CPR on a beanie baby*
Maggie: x.x
Me: *flips out, realizing resuscitating a beanie baby does as much good helping you as giving a high-five to George W. Bush helps him with his presidency*
“Alan has holes! I’ve seen them!”
Maggie: Out of curiosity, what happens if the bonfire accidentally lights the Sistine Chapel on fire?
Me: Jesus will have my ass.
Maggie: What if Jesus is in the Sistine Chapel at the time?
Me: God will have both Jesus and my asses, but he will resurrect Jesus’ ass after three days on a day that will be called “Asster.”
“…on paper?”
Haha, it’s time to mess with people! Here are snippits from several MSN messenger conversations I’ve had with some of my friends (mainly Aneel and E’raina) over the past year. They’re hilarious.
#1: in which we discuss a certain teacher and her husband:
E’raina: haha, her hubby came to the rink today and had a conversation with my boobs
Claudia: HAHA!
Aneel: yuck
E’raina: i almost cried
Claudia: I bet he’d like some firm ones for once
Claudia: :D
E’raina: haha
Aneel: ewe
E’raina: damn girl!
Claudia: Not that I look or anything…
E’raina: its hard to miss that
Aneel: haha yeah…
E’raina: its one of those “do your ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro”
E’raina: but with boobs
#2: in which we discuss the end of the year BBQ:
E’raina: too bad we don’t have friends with hot tubs
E’raina: or slip n slides
E’raina: or crack
Claudia: I have strippers hidden under my bed!
E’raina: I vote for Claudia’s house
E’raina: Hey C, do you ever have a day where you just want to whip Aneel with a piece of licorice?
#3: in which we discuss Aneel’s hotness:
Claudia: Don’t you think Aneel’s hot?
Claudia: I do
Aneel: o yeah it’s not a secret…lol
E’raina: damn right it isn’t
Aneel: I’m not the best kept secret
#4: in which I promote my website:
Claudia: www.geocities.com/antarctica_freak
Claudia: It is great
Claudia: Brilliant
Aneel: lol well you made it
Claudia: Therefore it is great
Claudia: Brilliant
Claudia: HAHA! I just opened my phone and got an eyeful of Alan crotch!
#5: in which we discuss (argue about) pasta for prom:
Claudia: I’ll bring pasta
Claudia: CLEAN pasta, Aneel
Aneel: why would it be dirty?
E’raina: teehee
Claudia: You were saying it was messy
Aneel: yeah pasta is
Claudia: Not all the time
E’raina: it can be
Claudia: But not all the time
Aneel: exactly
Aneel: but it can
Claudia: BUT NOT ALL THE FREAKIN TIME!!!
Claudia: Gang up on me, why don’t ya?
E’raina: i love pasta
E’raina: i’m all about the pasta
Aneel: lol it’s ok I like it to sometimes
E’raina: I love it!
Claudia: …so pasta?
#6: in which Aneel and I discuss what we’re doing at the moment:
Claudia: Did you just say something?
Claudia: …Sharma?
Aneel: yeah whats up>?
Claudia: Government final :(
Claudia: You?
Aneel: I’m decorating my glasses case
Claudia: To make it more manly?
Claudia: Does he really count as a boy?
Claudia: He’s an…Aneel
Aneel (talking about his government final): do you think Hall would care if I did the whole research paper in landscape format?
#7: in which Aneel and I discuss the final government question:
Aneel: what creative thing did you do for a bill becoming a law?
Claudia: I just did a flowchart
Claudia: You haven’t done that yet?
Aneel: nope
Aneel: flowchart?
Aneel: how do you make one of those?
Claudia: Yeah
Claudia: Just draw it
Aneel (like 5 minutes later): on paper?
Haha…
Gahaha…I was just looking at all my old MSN conversations (for the past year or so) and I’ve had some of the weirdest (an many) names. Just thought I’d post them here cause I have nothing else to blog about today.
“Mother Theresa called…she HATES you!”
“MANIFESTATION!”
“…Some as big as your head!” (Haha, sorry, E’raina!)
“Never again will I let a Kit-Kat eat ME!”
“I am the Postmaster General!”
“What WOULDN’T Jesus do?”
“I’m an astrophysicist, and I’m studying Uranus”
“South Carolina: if at first you don’t secede, try, try again”
“Fun, fun, fun ’till your daddy takes the TiVo away!”
“Nebraska: the “N” is for Knowledge!”
“It’s unwise to bet against the Harlem Globetrotters”
“Horse Genetalia: How to make it work for you!”
“Crunchatize Me, Cap’n!” (oh god, this night was hilarious)
“Ellipses for all!”
“This just in: geophagists around the world are biting the dust!”
“Where’s Godot?”
“TYRANNOSAURUS SEX!”
“The A.D.D. Association’s Book of Wild Animals of Nor—Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
“Atheists—they don’t have a prayer!”
“Wordplay is better than Foreplay”
“I think it was Socrates who said, “hello! My name is Socrates!”
“Club sandwiches, not seals!”
“Screw this, I’ve been waiting for Godot FOREVER! I’m goin’ to get a taco! Hey, how long can these titles be, anyway? Oh wait end.”
“Australian is not a foreign language”
“Why isn’t “Craig” short for “Craigory”?
“Americans suck. Why can’t they be more like me? I like my own butt” (a happy little Haiku!)
“My good friend Jason the quadriplegic is going for a walk and—oh wait.”
“Winning one game of ‘Operation’ does not qualify you as a surgeon”
“I am not the kind of person who is easily distract—OMFG A PUPPY!”
“The sun has absolutely nothing to do with anything”
“I peed in the gene pool”
“I stink therefore I’m Spam”
“Shut up, Susie, Mommy’s trying to drink!”
“Quoth the raven: ‘CAW! CAW!'”
“If good things come in little packages, what’s the big deal with natural male enhancement?”
“Claudia can’t think of a good display name: the display name”
“The roof, the roof, the roof appears to have spontaneously combusted!”
“Math derives me crazy!”
“And God said, ‘let there be Eras Light ITC!’”
“Waiter! There’s a quadriplegic in my Jazzercise class!”
“Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought, ‘where the hell is the ceiling?!’”
“Sticks and stones can break my b—OW MY FEMUR!”
“Life is Pietzsche”
“The Day that Camus backed into a Sumac was the Day the Palindrome was Born!”
“Solving a circumference problem? Ha! Easy as pi!”
“Without an absolute, I can be absolutely fine”
“What did the mean cat say? Mu!”
“Comma Sutra”
“Pb Zeppelin”
“Tyrannosaurus SEX!”
“Choco Leibniz: The Best of All Possible Cookies” occasions separate
“U Kant Touch This” (Stop. Trancendental time.)
“Symbolic Logic? Man, everything’s backwards in Symbolic Logic. Especially the E’s.”
“Mobius Striptease”
“Soylent Glitter”
“The Best of All Possible Display Names”
Words with Aneel
Hey, Aneel! Remember that day long ago when I was trying to talk to you on messenger but you weren’t there so I had this little “conversation” with you? Here it is:
Aneel says: Ah, lovely day, isn’t it?
Claudia says: Yes it is, Aneel. What events have you planned for such a glorious day?
Aneel says: Perhaps a walk out-of-doors, though I’m not really much of an outdoors type.
Claudia says: That’s quite true.
Aneel says: Quite.
Claudia says: Quite.
Aneel says: I feel a boredom coming over me.
Claudia says: Perhaps a song will cheer you up. How about a rendition of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat?” A round. I’ll start:
Claudia says: “Row, row, row your boat / Gently down the stream…”
Aneel says: “Row, row, row your boat / Gently down the stream…”
Claudia says: “Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily / Life is but a dream!”
Aneel says: “Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily / Life is but a dream!”
Claudia says: Did that cure your boredom?
Aneel says: Yes it did, dear friend, thank you.
Claudia says: You’re welcome.
Aneel says: My boredom is cured thanks to your genius and wit. I shall nominate you for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Claudia says: Thank you, my friend, but I’m afraid it’s already been done. I’ve already written my acceptance speech as well as acceptance speeches for the Pulitzer Prize, the Emmys, the Grammys, and the Oscars. They all start out the same: “Back when my dear friend Aneel broke the mirror off his car…”
Aneel says: Oh, how witty! Ha-ha!
Claudia says: Ha-ha!
Aneel says: Ha-ha!
Claudia says: I do feel this is the most meaningful conversation we’ve ever had.
Aneel says: I quite agree.
Claudia says: How much longer do you think we can keep up such a piece of wit and hysteria?
Aneel says: A fortnight, perhaps.
Claudia says: Perhaps.
Aneel says: By-the-by, I have what you call a “blind date” set up for Wednesday night. However, I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. Their name is “Kelly”.
Claudia says: Traditionally, the spelling K-E-L-L-Y is a masculine form of the name, and I suggest you back out (unless you’re into same-sex dating). However, since these are crazy, mixed-up times we live in, perhaps it is a girl, in which case I suggest you bring chocolates.
Aneel says: Once again, your genius saves the day.
Claudia says: Thank you.
Aneel says: You’re welcome.
Claudia says: Oh, what a faux pas! I just ordered PINK flowers for a friend whose favorite color is RED!
Aneel says: You’re in a pickle now. As they say, “LOL!”
Claudia says: Yes, “LOL” indeed.
Claudia says: I just read my horoscope. Would you like to hear it?
Aneel says: Of course, for if you will remember, your horoscope is the same as mine.
Claudia says: Oh, silly me! “LOL!”
Aneel says: Ha-ha!
Claudia says: Ha-ha!
Claudia says: Here it is: “Aquarius: your extreme skills in the field of gynecology will have great impacts on your social life. Be cautious, however; the wrong person will leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth.”
Aneel says: “Gynecology?” You must be joking.
Claudia says: I never joke.
Aneel says: The nerve of this newspaper!
Claudia says: Quite!
Claudia says: I’m going to write a letter to the editor. A strongly-worded, opinionated, and occasionally blasphemous letter to the editor.
Aneel says: You will strike a blow for decency.
Claudia says: Don’t say “blow”.
Aneel says: Sorry.
Claudia says: I knew that Pulitzer Prize acceptance speech would come in handy.
Aneel says: You’re quite right!
Claudia says: I must go now, Aneel, as my hand is fevered with passion at this topic.
Aneel says: ‘Ta!
Claudia says: ‘Ta!
I found this in my messenger history this morning and laughed for about an hour. Too bad we don’t really have these kinds of conversations!
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