Warnings: gun violence, I guess?

So I saved Pearl Jam in my dream last night.

Lemme ‘splain. There was a decent amount of stuff leading up to the part of the dream that I can remember, but basically the main thing was that I was living in a dorm-type thing on campus, except it wasn’t really much of a building but rather a set of five or so huge cube rooms. The cubes were lined up in a row and standing on these elevated platforms. They were probably 8’ x 8’ x 8’, I’d say, and the weirdest things about them were a) they were each just one big room with no dividers, bathrooms, or kitchens, b) there was a door connecting each pair of cubes together, and c) they were completely open on the front side of the cube. Like, no door, no windows…just no wall on that front side of the cube.

But I lived in one. Specifically, I lived in the one furthest to the right. I had a bed and a suitcase in it, ‘cause why not.

Anyway, one evening as it is getting dark, the cube next to mine is suddenly hosting a Pearl Jam concert. There are thousands of people standing in front of the elevated set of cubes and Pearl Jam is in the cube next to mine, getting ready to do a performance.

I want to go home for the weekend, so I go to my cube and start packing my suitcase to leave. I feel a little guilty that I’m doing so during the start of the concert, since everything else is dark except for the Pearl Jam cube and my cube as I pack up my stuff. But I can’t seem to pack very quickly, so I’m there quite a while. During my packing, I keep thinking how easy it would be for someone to “break in” to one of the cubes and steal the occupant’s stuff.

Just when I’m about done, I hear a whole bunch of screaming coming from the audience and the cube next to me, and I somehow become aware of the fact that someone has jumped up into the Pearl Jam cube and is brandishing a gun, threatening to shoot everyone in the band.

The gunman hasn’t noticed that I’m in the cube next to them, so I think that maybe I can sneak up on him and ambush him. But as I’m starting to sneak around the front of the cube to get to Pearl Jam’s cube, I hear the gunman open the door between our two cubes and enter my cube.

So now I’m thinking, “now’s my chance. Start walking towards him and if he shoots you, pretend that it doesn’t hurt.” I turn around and walk towards him, and he points the gun at me and shoots me right in the chest.

Pretend it doesn’t hurt. Keep walking towards him.

He shoots again.

Pretend it doesn’t hurt. Keep walking towards him.

He shoots a third time. But my plan is working; he’s obviously freaked out that the bullets are having no effect on me, and he runs back into the Pearl Jam cube, where he is promptly tackled by security and is arrested.

Then the voice actors from The Simpsons show up and thank me for saving Pearl Jam, ‘cause they’re all huge fans of the band.

Also, three close-range gunshot wounds to the chest? No big deal, I’m fine.

Odd news.