So I’ve now downloaded and finished watching all of the Metalocalypse episodes for season 2 that have been made. I really have no idea why this show is so freaking funny to me, but it is. I love it.

And now I present you with an “All I Needed to Know I Learned from Metalocalypse” list I found on the internet. It may not be funny if you don’t know the show, but I think it’s great, so deal with it.

– If you don’t like something, fire it. Or set on fire. Or both.
– Booze is not food.
– Teeth grow back.
– Wearing makeup doesn’t necessarily make you a beautiful lady, but it will make you a counsel for makeup tips.
– 80s music sucks. Reunion tours are metal.
– There is only metal and unmetal.
– Cilantro is disastrous (haha, poor Skwisgaar).
– Doorknobs are not a cure for anything.
– Nickels are money, too.
– NEVER rewrite a national anthem.
– You are That Guy. Being a fan is inclusive to being hated by bands that hate their fans.
– Eating phallic shaped food makes you gay.
– ANYTHING can be metal. Even snakes, helicopters, candy and coffee.
– Be a dick or be a dude, there is no in between.
– Ladies are soul-murderers.
– Psychologists are OUT TO GET YOU.
– Never trust a clown.
– Fashion designers are murderers.
– Even the incredibly famous can be dumb as rocks.
– Comb-overs are sexy (hell freaking yes, Pickles = super hot).
– Ant farms are pretty awesome, and can be stood on.
– Even fat ladies can get tender lovin’.
– It doesn’t matter what you’re really like, you can be badass as hell with corpsepaint and a guitar.
– Even CHILDREN can’t wait to be brutal.
– Get a good manager. You never know when you’ll be stranded in the woods and need his kung-fu.
– Adoption is not tax-deductable.
– Employee conferences will assuredly end in brutality and death. Avoid having them.
– Have a good exhale-yell for your tennis back swing.
– Stop to smell the roses and look at the swans.
– Your doubles are NOT your friends.
– Trains are not only a matter of conveyance, but good material to write about for blues songs.
– Nuclear submarines can be brought back up and running by a bottle full of vodka.
– Comedy is about hating yourself.
– Comedy is NOT about body bags.
– Banana stickers are an apt form of psychological validation.
– Just because you say you’re good at something, doesn’t mean you are.
– Solid gold telephones are just as good as a raise.
– Birthdays are complete crap, unless you get good gifts.
– Your family hates you just as much as you hate them. They only want, want, want.
– All religions are the same boring crap.
– Making movies is hard.
– Watches are fun to smash.
– Have a little you-time.
– Closets are a great place for meeting up with people and discussing business.
– May the ugliest horse win.
– Voting sucks.
– Just because someone died because of something you did, it doesn’t technically make it your fault.
– Balloons are awesome.
– Never forget your digital recorder.
– Cell phones can be weapons.
– Pick up your refuse; this isn’t a waste paper basket can.
– Robots are not to be trusted.
– Strings are near the frets, but frets are not strings.
– Education helps you learn.
– They won’t let you reunite with a band unless you’re broken up.
– Porn awards: totally worth it for the kissing.
– Embezzling is metal.
– Never trust anyone offering you hookers and ice cream.
– Fish are your friends.
– Getting painted by naked ladies is a good after-show backstage pastime.
– Acoustic guitars are for pussies and grandpas.
– Recording on water isn’t the best idea, really.
– You are undoubtedly a douchebag.
– You never drink before a show. Never.
– Don’t lie on your measurements. It causes eating disorders.
– You should have thought about anonymity before you became famous.
– The internet is… er…
– “In” the ocean and “inside” the ocean are completely different.
– Don’t forget to press record.
– It’s not Wednesday. It’s Friday.
– Band therapists are not band members.
-A strap-on dildo can be a really cool codpiece.
– Some things lack zazz.
– Public executions are okay as long as they’re performed by death metal musicians.
– Douchebags are on the other side of the cage.
– Cinnamon bun franchises are hard to buy, especially when you’re drunk.
– No running around the hot-tub.
– You’re not supposed to wear clothes in the hot-tub.
– It’s possible to make too much money.
– The earth is no longer considered a planet.
– Paper towels will make you fat (I think this was my favorite episode ever).
– If you force all the blood to your face, you can give yourself a real cool blowjob.
– Sometimes it’s good to Rock-talk.
– You can bargain your eternal soul with the devil for a $5 gift card to Hot Topic.
– Deaths that you stumble upon can be easily forgotten when you ring a bell.
– Even people who try to kill you deserve to have a Viking funeral.

Oh, and if you ever hear some random, totally irrelevant quote from me, it’s probably from this show.