Dr. Seuss for clouds: “Oh, the Places You’ll Snow!”
Oh my god, I want a Subway tuna sandwich so bad right now. It’s 3 in the morning, but hell, that’s when I usually have dinner anyway. Too bad the closest Subway is like 3 miles away (and is probably closed).
GOD, DELIVER UNTO ME A SUBWAY TUNA SANDWICH.
IT’S BEEN THREE MINUTES. I HAVE NO SUBWAY TUNA SANDWICH. ERGO, THERE IS NO GOD.
(Sorry, I’m really hyper tonight.)
Because my head’s being a noisy mess tonight.
“Your vision of the divine is similar to your view of a happy home. As long as everyone knows his or her place, all will be fine. If they step out of line however, you are the first to apply tough love, not with fire and brimstone, but with an unending torrent of guilt-inducing invective and non-stop lecturing.
“You tend to view the world as a generally benign creation that needs a little guidance to keep going in the right direction. Having created the world, you would then spend most of your time as a spiritual cheerleader, giving hope and guidance to those who never quite live up to your expectations.
“You tend to view your creations as unruly children who need a series of chores in order to keep their minds out of trouble. In service to this, you would probably create a religion full of complex ritual and repetition. It is only through a strenuous and exacting course of discipline that your followers can come to know you. If they don’t tow the line, you won’t send them to eternal damnation but rather an eternal boot camp where they can slowly and tediously come to a greater understanding of what it means to fit in.
“You are the god of bureaucrats and politicians, and your afterlife would be one of endless corridors and levels, each one leading to yet another duty that must be fulfilled, yet another loyalty to be proved. As a God, you are just never satisfied.”
Sorry, today’s been boring/long/blah.
And God said…
Okay, so here’s the rundown:
Day 1: God created light.
Day 2: God created water/oceans/sky.
Day 3: God created dry ground and plants.
Day 4: God created seasons, the moon, etc.
Day 5: God created the birds and sea creatures.
Day 6: God created land animals and humans.
Day 7: God created—oh, wait! He didn’t create anything today! He FLIPPIN’ TOOK A NAP.
What the crap…? God needed a NAP?? He’s God! You don’t need a nap when you’re the almighty! What possible wonderful things could we have had if God hadn’t been so lazy and had created something on the seventh day?
We could be missing out on fajita trees or something!
How on earth will we solve this crisis?!?!