Monthly Archives: November, 2019

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*additional wild screeching*

I FEEL HYPER AND UNFOCUSED
(what else is new?)

It’s a good thing I already got my daily words in for NaNo, ‘cause holy hell. I can’t concentrate on anything today. So here’s some random stuff.

This site generates pictures of people who do not exist.

Here is a poster containing the names of 100 classic books. You can scratch off the names and reveal the covers of the books you’ve read. Super cool!

I’m not sure if I ever posted this on here (and I’m too lazy to check, haha), but here is a giant leaf I found in Vancouver during my first few months there back in 2009.

11-29-2019-a

This is how my teeth feel today:

11-29-2019-b

OKAY BYE

Tom Swifties: The Ultimate Puns

(These aren’t aren’t your dad’s puns…these are energy puns! TURBOPUNS!)

I’m sure everyone knew about these but me, but I’m going to blog about them anyway.

A “Tom Swifty” originates from the Tom Swift series of books wherein the author pretty much did anything to avoid using the word “said” (e.g., “Let’s go,” he said). Instead, there was frequent use of adverbs or adverbials (words that act like adverbs to modify a verb or clause).

A true “Tom Swifty” is one of these words/phrases but with a pun incorporated. Some basic examples:

  • “I decided to come back to the group,” Tom rejoined.
  • “I love hot dogs,” said Tom with relish.
  • “I’d like my money back, and some,” said Tom with interest.

These things are fantastic. Here are some of my favorites:

  • “I’m losing my hair,” Tom bawled.
  • “I dropped my toothpaste,” Tom said, crestfallen.
  • “I have a BA in social work,” said Tom with a degree of concern.
  • “It made the grass wet,” said Tom after due consideration.
  • “I can’t believe I ate the whole pineapple!” Tom said dolefully.
  • “That’s the last time I pet a lion,” Tom said offhandedly.
  • “I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
  • “I shouldn’t sleep on railroad tracks,” Tom said, beside himself.
  • “Let’s play a C, E, and G,” said Tom’s band, in accord.
  • “The doctor had to remove my left ventricle,” said Tom half-heartedly.
  • “I like ragged margins,” said Tom without justification.
  • “I’d better repeat that SOS message,” said Tom remorsefully.
  • “You call this a musical?” asked Les miserably.

I love it.

UGH SO PRETTY

VOCES8 is fantastic, and this is such a beautiful, melancholy song.

They all have such wonderful chemistry as a singing group, holy crapples.

BODY BODY BODY BODY

Hi.

So I found this place in Calgary that does resting metabolic testing, V02 max testing, and body composition testing. The prices are actually quite reasonable and the office is actually not too far from where we live, so I think I’m going to sign up and get at least a body comp done.

Edit: there’s a package for a body comp + resting metabolic rate testing. Totally going to do that. I’m already nervous about it ‘cause my body is an embarrassment, but it’d be cool to know this info. Maybe it’ll be a birthday present for myself.

 

Good Lord, Coldplay.

This song. This song.

How do you make Chris Martin sound any better than he does on his own? Back him up with a freaking choir.

This gives me serious chills. It’s so beautiful.

Edit: this one is good, too. Probably my second favorite.

THE NOVEMBER LIST – 2019 EDITION

Yo, nerd bombs. ‘Tis the time for a list!

  • Nate is watching Breaking Bad with me, since I’ve still never seen it. It’s quite good and very engaging.
  • This is a really well-done music video.

  • Not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this game on here before, but if so, here it is again! Cursor10 is a game where you have 10 timed tries to get through to the end of the game. After the time runs out on a given trial, you start back at the beginning, but you’re able to see where your cursor was on the previous trial(s) and have to cooperate with your old cursors to get to the end. It’s pretty cool.
  • I am definitely going to get my hair cut short. Can’t stand it anymore.
  • I’m really into neon right now. Neon clothes, neon eyeshadow. I used to shun it because it never appealed to me, but suddenly it’s my jam.
  • I might actually win NaNo this year, despite my terrible start. WOO!

Is that everything? That’s everything.

WELL, WELL, WELL…

*opens iTunes*
*observes*

11-23-2019

Is that a new Coldplay album I see!?

TO THE SENNHEISERS!

I can only download one of these songs per day and it’s GOING TO HURT MY SOUL I NEED ALL OF THEM NOW.

My Grandma Died Today and I Felt Nothing

Horrible title, huh? Well, it’s true.

I think I felt her die; I knew right before my mom called that she was gone. But once my mom actually told me, I had no reaction to her death. Absolutely none.

My grandma was not a good person. She was abusive, manipulative, and cruel.

I’m not going to go into the details because she is now in the past and is no longer of concern. But my mom has had to deal with her for many, many years, whereas I was able to put her out of my mind as soon as she moved out of our house when I was in high school. Now she’s finally free of her.

And that’s all I want to say about this.

Any excuse to do a survey, man.

It’s NANOWRIMO SURVEY TIME ALSKDFJSLAKDFJSLDAFAGH

(I’m also procrastinating actually working on my NaNo, ‘cause that’s how I roll.)

Tell me about your NaNoWriMo project this year! Give me a blurb!
The stupid, surface-level blurb (I just copy/pasted this from my excerpt post a few days ago, haha): an outbreak of a mysterious, unidentifiable, deadly disease occurs on a cruise ship. Due to the mortality rate of the disease and the fact that no one knows what it is or how it spreads, the ship is denied the ability to dock at any country, forcing it to basically become a floating hospital that is rapidly turning into a floating morgue as more and more people become sick. The story follows three individuals – Jochem (a passenger), Hugo (the captain) and Dr. Wex (the ship’s main doctor) – and how they cope with the fact that they know they are probably going to die on the ship.

There’s more to it than that, though. The disease and being trapped on the ship represents something different for each of my three main characters on a deeper level than just “they’re going to die, how do they deal with that?” due to their different places in each of their lives. I’m actually really liking how it’s turning out so far, even though it’s an incredibly stupid premise.

What’s the genre?
Probably just mainstream fiction.

Describe your MC in three words!
I have three main characters!
Jochem: Conflicted, lost, impulsive
Hugo: Confident, sociable, proud
Dr. Wex: Unflappable, professional, persistent

Without spoilers, describe your villain in three words.
I don’t really have a villain, unless you call the illness the villain, I guess.

What is your goal? (the traditional 50k? 20k? 5k? Or…100k?)
The good old 50k, as usual. At the rate this story is going, though, it will definitely need to be longer than 50k to be complete.

Is this your first draft? Second? Third?
Very first.

Are you starting a new project (or draft) or continuing an existing one?
A new project!

What is your favorite time to write in the day?
I like to write later at night, but I’ve actually been spending an hour or two at work (just before I go home) doing my writing there, especially on the nights where I have to go to bed at a reasonable hour to go walking in the morning.

Where are you going to write?
Either in my office or at my home computer late at night.

Computer or paper?
Definitely computer, though I’m not above jotting down any ideas/phrases/conversations I think of during the day when I’m not near a computer.

NaNoWriMo is a huge commitment. How are you going to make time to write?
SACRIFICE MORE SLEEP

Are you going to participate in local or online NaNoWriMo events? (e.g. kick-off parties in your regions, write-ins, virtual writing sprints…)
People are terrifying, so no.

Do you write from beginning to end or do you skip around?
I do some major skipping around. I don’t write even remotely in order.

Planner or pantser? (or plantser?)
Pantser. Plans are for SQUARES

What will be your go-to NaNoWriMo snack?
If I’m writing at work, I’ll probably write while I’m nomming a pita. If I’m writing at home, I’ll probably nom some Jolly Ranchers while I write.

Choice of caffeine? (or no caffeine?)
No caffeine. ADRENALINE ONLY!

Any rewards for milestone achievements? For finishing NaNoWriMo?
Nope! The finished product will be tucked away, never to be seen again. And that’s the end.

Share a tip for other NaNo-ers!
DON’T FALL BEHIND, HOLY HELL

How are you feeling about NaNoWriMo? Excited? Nervous? Tired?
I love NaNo. I bitch about the time commitment, but I do enjoy having an excuse to write something. Lord knows I don’t write any other time of the year, haha.

*wild screeching*

Holy crap, y’all, I might have some really exciting news soon (and, for once, it has nothing to do with my job).

As always, I don’t want to risk saying what it is in case it falls through, but there might be something exciting to announce at some point in the (near?) future.

WOOOOOOO

Materialism: November 2019 Edition

HEYOOOOOO so it’s time for my monthly-ish “I want material things” blog, ‘cause why the hell not. It’s a good way to keep a list of things I like in case I ever do go on a little shopping spree.

Let’s go!

Is that all? Haha, I was thinking there was more.

SNIFF SNIFF BITCHES

Hey, I wrote about something like this in a short story like six years ago, haha.

As you might expect, there has been a lot fewer studies and a lot less research done into smell and fixing smell issues than any of the other senses. That’s one issue why there really hasn’t been any development of this type of technology yet.

Another issue is that smelling is a lot more complicated, physically, than things like hearing or even seeing, just because it is a chemical sense and is a lot more “fine-tuned” in terms of its various components compared to vision or hearing.

But the idea that the concept is “on the radar” now, though, is pretty cool!

Maybe one day…

 

NEEEEEEEEEEEERDS! (Actually, Skittles)

Today I found this blog post, which is a follow-up to another blog post talking about how many bags of Skittles would need to be observed before two identical packs (same number of candies, same color distribution) were discovered.

In this follow-up post, the author also looks at the overall distribution of the colors across the packs and finds the following:

11-17-2019-a
(Image from here)

They remark: “The most common and controversial question asked about Skittles seems to be whether all five flavors are indeed uniformly distributed…I leave it to an interested reader to consider and analyze whether this departure from uniformity is significant.”

Well, I am an interested reader, so here we go.

We’re going to test the claim that the flavors* are uniformly distributed (by stating that the proportions of each of these five flavors are equal) against the claim that the flavors are not uniformly distributed (by stating that at least one proportion differs from the others).

11-17-2019-b

Let’s use p-value = 0.05.

The author has graciously made their data available to the public, so I snagged it up and got the following information:

11-17-2019-c

Applying a chi-square goodness-of-fit test, we get the following results:

11-17-2019-d

Since our p-value of 0.001 < 0.05, we reject H0 and conclude that at least one of the above proportions differs from the expected 0.20 under the null hypothesis. This means that statistically, the proportions are significantly different.

…I should be getting stuff ready for the end of the semester. Or working on my NaNo. Why did I do this?

*I’m using color rather than flavor, since a) “red” is easier to type than “strawberry” and b) candy flavors such as these are MEANINGLESS TO MY BROKEN NOSE

NANO EXCERPT

*audible sigh*

Hello, all. So it’s the middle of November, which means, as always, that it’s time for me to provide you with an excerpt from my NaNoWriMo project. I have an excerpt that I’m particularly proud of and want to share, but it actually has very little to do with the premise/main plot of my story, so I don’t think I’m going to share that one (even though it’s my fave).

So instead you’re going to get a different excerpt! The general premise of this dumb story: an outbreak of a mysterious, unidentifiable, deadly disease occurs on a cruise ship. Due to the mortality rate of the disease and the fact that no one knows what it is or how it spreads, the ship is denied the ability to dock at any country, forcing it to basically become a floating hospital that is rapidly turning into a floating morgue as more and more people become sick. The story follows three individuals – Jochem (a passenger), Hugo (the captain) and Dr. Wex (the ship’s main doctor) – and how they cope with the fact that they know they are probably going to die on the ship.

To set the following scene: the ship has been unable to dock anywhere for three weeks now because every country is afraid of this unknown but very deadly illness. So this ship is out there wandering aimlessly, trying to approach various countries for, if not the ability to dock, at least some provisions and fuel. By this point, a decent number of people are sick and the captain and crew have decided to dedicate an entire deck as a “quarantine deck” on which to keep the sick and those suspected to be sick to try to stop the illness from spreading.

Right now, they’re sailing through some nasty weather on their way to South America. The captain, Hugo, has been woken up by the storm and has decided to do a quick check of the crew as well as (in this scene) the deck that has been transformed into a quarantine ward.

GO! (I know, I know, the writing is terrible as always. It’s NaNo, what do you want.)

Upon leaving the wheelhouse, Hugo’s next destination was the quarantine deck. He hadn’t been down to visit it in a while – such a while, in fact, that it was only upon his reaching the elevator bay on the north end of the ship that he remembered that he had ordered that the elevators be shut down to try to prevent people from accidentally stepping off on the off-limit floor. Heading to the stairs, he met with the posted security guard who said that he could go and fetch Dr. Wex for the Captain if he wanted to be escorted through the quarantine region.

“I don’t want to bother the doctor,” Hugo responded, forgetting momentarily that it was far too early for anyone else on the ship to be awake, apart from himself and the men in the wheelhouse. “Just let him sleep. I’ll talk to him in the morning.”

But the security guard shook his head. “Oh no, he’s up right now, sir,” he said. “Dr. Wex hasn’t been sleeping much as of late, and when he does, he has mighty odd sleeping hours. I’ll go get him for you.”

The guard had been correct; Dr. Wex was awake and greeted Hugo with a kind but tired smile as he ascended the steps to meet the Captain.

“Late rounds, sir?” the doctor asked, running his hands through his greying hair in an attempt to tame any flyaways that had jutted into existence during his sleepless hours.

“No later than yours,” Hugo said. “I hope you’re getting enough sleep, Adrian. I know it’s in a doctor’s nature to put their health last after everyone else’s, but the last thing we need is for you to collapse from lack of sleep. Hell, you saw what a case of exhaustion did to me, and I’m sure I wasn’t working any harder than you currently are.”

“I’m doing fine, Captain,” the doctor said. “I’m used to these types of long hours; it’s part of what you come to expect being a doctor. Though I must say it has been taken to a bit more of an extreme in this particular case, given what we’ve had to deal with.”

Hugo tipped his chin in the direction of the stairs. “Am I allowed down to the quarantine deck? I’m assuming by your lack of mask or body suit that you don’t suspect the illness is airborne.”

Dr. Wex shook his head. “No,” he said. “Not airborne. Not yet, at least. There’s no guarantee that it will remain that way. There’s really not much of interest that you’d be able to see down below, but I’ll take you if you’d like.”

“I would, thanks.”

Hugo followed Dr. Wex down the dark stairway to the fifth deck. The conversion from regular passenger’s quarters and public areas to a secure, patient- and doctor-only quarantine deck had happened as recently as five days ago. But despite how recent the conversion had been carried out, the formerly lively, passenger-filled Plaza Deck was now a quiet, eerie, unwelcoming place. The main lights on the deck had been dimmed, mainly to save on power and fuel since no one was really utilizing the deck the way it was usually utilized, and places like the library, internet café, and the two large aft dining rooms were hauntingly empty. It brought on such a feeling of discomfort that Hugo actually shivered.

“The most critical patients are still on the lower deck, in the ship’s main medical center,” Dr. Wex explained as the two men made their way through the main plaza and towards the passenger rooms. “But we’ve quarantined the mildly ill band those who we feel might become ill – family members, those who have been in contact with people who are already ill, and the like – up here.”

It had been an unusual effort made by the ship’s crew to transfer all passengers who had had rooms on the Plaza Deck to rooms that were higher up on the ship. Luckily, due to the time of the year in which the ship was cruising, it was only at two thirds capacity passenger-wise. This meant that there were, in fact, enough rooms to accommodate the sixty or so sets of passengers who had to be rehomed when the order for vacating the fifth deck came into action.

“How many of these rooms are occupied?” Hugo asked as they made their way down one of the hallways. Usually, when one walked down a hallway that was flanked on both sides by staterooms, one could hear a general din of muffled talking, laughing, stomping, and shuffling of luggage and belongings. This hallway had none of those sounds; it was almost as if all the rooms were completely empty.

But Dr. Wex gave the Captain a number that surprised him. “Thirty, I’d say,” he answered after a moment of contemplation.

“That many?”

“A fair number of those are just precautionary,” Dr. Wex assured him. “We’ve taken to quarantining those who have just been in brief close contact with sick individuals. People who have sat at the same dining table as a sick person, or people who have visited a sick person’s stateroom, that kind of thing. Most of the people in these rooms are, as far as we can tell, not actually sick. Sick of being quarantined, maybe, but not sick with the illness.”

“Are they all being fed in one of the dining rooms?”

Dr. Wex shook his head. “To keep contamination to a minimum, we’ve opened up the room service menu to include anything we’d offer in a regular dining room or at the buffets and have encouraged people to just order food to their rooms. It’s keeping the chefs a bit busier – at least, those who are still working – but perhaps that’s a good thing. It helps keep everyone from thinking too much about possibly getting sick themselves.”

As they continued down the hall, the ship gave a big, unexpected heave, and the two staggered to stay upright in the dim hallway.

“Woah,” Hugo muttered after the ship had rocked herself back to a steady position. “We must have hit that wave at just the wrong angle.”

“Do you need to go up and check on things, sir?” the doctor asked.

But Hugo shook his head. “It feels like we’ve steadied out. Can’t blame the crew for those rough waves that hit us like that. They’re doing the best they can.”

The doctor nodded. “They’re doing better than I ever could.”

Before the two could continue moving down the hallway, a low moaning sound filled the space around them. It took Hugo a few seconds to realize that the sound had made its way through one of the stateroom doors that was right next to him. He nodded towards the door and spoke in hushed tones to Dr. Wex.

“Is… are they…?”

“Are they infected?” the doctor finished for him. He shook his head in response to Hugo’s nod. “No, they’re one of the ones that was quarantined out of precaution. Thomas Bond is his name. He’s got wicked motion sickness, though; I can’t imagine how he’s feeling right now having to stay cooped up in that small stateroom with all of this rocking going on. Though I guess, to be fair, the swaying of the ship is much less pronounced on these lower decks than it is on the upper decks, especially the open ones. I believe his original stateroom was on the tenth floor, so this quarantining should be an improvement in his motion sickness, at least.”

Dr. Wex paused; he noticed that the Captain was paying attention to what he was saying, but was also propping himself against one of the hallway walls and was doing his best to stifle a yawn that had crept up from his lungs into his mouth. He had no choice but to release it, though he tried to do so discreetly.

The doctor couldn’t help himself from commenting. “You should go back to bed, Captain,” he said gently. “Try to get some sleep. There’s nothing you can do to help these people down here, especially not now.”

“I can try to get them medicine,” Hugo muttered through another yawn. “Once we’re out of this gale and closer to the South American shoreline, I can start sending out distress calls – calls for supplies, medicine, anything.” He lowered his voice, afraid that someone might hear through their stateroom door. “Currently we’re not at the point where the supply of provisions outweighs the demand, but if more and more get sick and deteriorate in the same way we’ve seen with the first few deaths, we might be needing less and less as time goes on. But for now…” he trailed off. He was so tired that he didn’t know where he had intended to go with what he’d been saying.

“But for now,” Dr. Wex finished for him, “there’s nothing you can do. No radio signal is going to get through this storm, anyway. Really, Captain, I suggest you go get some rest while you can. If there ends up being a crisis down here that I cannot handle on my own or my medical team can’t handle, I’ll let you know. Right now, everything is being handled as best as we can.”

The Captain gave him a tired nod after a moment of consideration. “I suppose you’re right,” he conceded finally, letting out another yawn. “I’m sorry I can’t guarantee you a break, Adrian,” he said as they turned about in the hall and started heading back towards the stairwell. “If there ever is a lull in your duties – which I suspect is rare, even when the ship is not plagued by a mysterious illness – please feel free to just go to your stateroom and relax or have a meal. Shower. Recharge.”

Dr. Wex smiled at him. “I will,” he said, “if such an opportunity ever presents itself.”

The two made their way back to the stairwell and Hugo gave the doctor one last parting “thank you,” complete with a congenial pat on the back. Hugo figured if anyone had an excuse to be more tired than he currently was, it was the doctor. But he trusted Wex in his ability to know his own limits when it came to sleep deprivation, so he left him to his lower deck duties and returned to his own stateroom.

The swaying of the ship had neither gotten worse nor improved; the same could be said about the sounds of the wind as it whistled through every open space or over every unsecured item on the decks, creating a mix of whistling, whipping wallops and an accompanying melody of unsecured objects repeatedly crashing into the deck.

Hugo was able to tune out these noises, in part because he had gotten used to doing so on almost every other seafaring job he’d held over the years and in part because he was so tired. Once he was back in his stateroom, he stumbled with exhaustion toward his bed, unbuttoning and shedding his coat in the process, kicking off his shoes, and removing his pants as well. There was nothing more comforting and enjoyable than sliding beneath the heavy silk covers that sat atop his soft bed, and in an instant, all thoughts about the swaying ship, the perilous gale and the relentless illness were replaced with the sweet, seductive tonic of sleep.

MY BUTT RUNNETH OUTSIDE

Today’s original plan was to stay home all day.

I DID NOT

The weather was too nice to stay inside, but by the time I decided to drag my lazy butt out of the house, it was already like 11 AM. That’s too late to do a full walk and still get some time to myself at home in the afternoon, so instead I put on my gear, walked down to the river path, and did a 4-mile run.

IT
FELT
SO
DAMN
GOOD

No pain in my leg at all.

This makes me really want to start running more frequently. Of course, I pick the worse season to pick up running again, but I suppose I can go to Anytime Fitness and use the treadmills there until it warms up enough and I can consistently go running outside.

Yayzorz.

Day off!

Today I walked.
Then I went home.
It was glorious.

Tomorrow I’m going to stay home ALL DAY, which is going to be even more glorious.

(Sorry, I’m really burnt out and need some time where I don’t have to deal with people.)

Edit: hahahaha, oh my god.

Screaming starts at 1:00. Jesus would approve.

Green? Blue? Grue?

My eyes are pretty unremarkable, color-wise. But they do seem to change their main color(s) over the years. They used to be super brown, then super green. Now they seem to be trending towards blue, especially if you look at them in the sunlight. Example:

11-13-2019

There’s always that brown ring around my pupil, but as you move further out, that’s definitely a blue-ish color.

Weird.

More Gross Feet! You’ve Been Warned

Look at this poor bastard. Look at what I’ve done to him.

11-12-2019

My poor freaking feet, dudes. This is what walking 90+ miles a week since January 2017 has done to them.

Oh, Ferngully…

Heyo.

So I was browsing Tumblr, as I commonly do, and I came across a post someone made about the “Toxic Love” song from Ferngully. “Toxic Love” is the villain’s song, and the villain, Hexxus, happens to be voiced by Tim Curry. The poster was basically saying how they used to be scared by the song when they were a kid but absolutely loved it now ‘cause it’s Tim Curry being Mr. Sexy Voice for like 2.5 minutes.

Then I had to look it up on YouTube and oh my god, the comments.

Everyone: choking on pollution
Y’all: H A R D E R D A D D Y

Us as kids: Oh no it’s the bad guy!
Us now: [Sexual Tension Intensifies]

Never thought I’d see a cartoon where Tim Curry orgasms on-screen over the thought of destroying a rainforest, but here we are.

We know the real reason he was locked in a tree and this song proves it.

I may be an environmentalist, but if this is what pollution actually looked like, lemme just say I wouldn’t be drinking out of a metal straw.

Every 90’s child’s sexual awaking

thank you all for making me feel less weird about this XD

I can’t stop freaking laughing, oh my god.

(I always liked this scene when I was a kid, too, hahaha).

Do Ships Experience Pier Pressure?

So on my office door, my name is now on one of those wooden thingies instead of just a piece of paper. Does that mean I’m finally cool?

11-10-2019

Every. Freaking. Year.

Will I ever learn not to fall behind in the first few days of NaNo?

11-09-2019

No.

No I won’t.

Internet Stuff that Makes Me Laugh

‘Cause I’m sad and I want something to make me less sad.

Why are we like this?

Baseball is serious.

This one line in this MST3K short is, like, always on my mind. Anytime I hear someone say “X is hard” or “Y is awful hard” I’m like “life is awful hard” in my mind. I’ve been corrupted.

 

Uncyclopedia Revisited

So Uncyclopedia is something I’d known about a while ago but had forgotten about until a random Reddit post that I came across today reminded me of it. A parody of Wikipedia, Uncylopedia basically mocks the hell out of everything through one form of humor or another. I think the first (and last?) time I mentioned it was when I was talking about some different Uncyclopedia articles for math-related things (including Newton).

So, of course, having been reminded of Uncyclopedia, I had to spend some time on it this afternoon (when I should have been either working or writing, let’s be honest).

Sample funs:

On the “Alberta” page:
Calgary is most famous for the world famous Stampede where people gather to look at exhibits, go on rides, and wait in line to get trampled on by live-stock.

(regarding housing) The hastily constructed overpriced shacks also have the advantage that the majority of them are spaced 8 feet apart, so if your neighbour screws up your house is torched too. This recently happened in a major NW area in which 8 houses were toasted literally and firetrucks couldn’t get out there quick enough cause the snow was everywhere.

On the “Arizona” page:
Arizona is a 113,998 square mile sand dune located in the western United States.

Arizona has a constant and unwavering year-round temperature of 145 °F (336 degrees Kelvin), and an average of 0.0000000001 inches (2.54 × 10-15 kilometers) of yearly rainfall.

While modern science hypothesizes that at some time the entire planet was covered in water, no evidence exists suggesting Arizona has ever been below the sea level…Billions of years ago, as water on all sides came into contact with Arizona, it was slowly and methodically absorbed by the 50,000 foot high impenetrable wall of sand surrounding its entire perimeter.

On the “New York Mets” page:
The “Los Nuevo York Mets”, are inarguably one of the worst teams in Baseball.

They have won two championships, which is extraordinary, considering there have been about OVER 9000.

On the “Canada” page:
The world looks to Canada for international peace-keepers, since they possess no weapons other than snow shovels, and their jovial accent and flannel clothing are comforting.

The vast majority of Canuckistanians are actually invincible, impotent superheroes, invested with a variety of superpowers ranging from looking at TV or computer screens for entire weeks in winter to understanding the rules of hockey using telepathy and superhuman intelligence. For this reason, Canadians don’t need any form of government or even a military, since every single guy next door can either stop bullets in mid-air or cut through buildings using energy blast from their eyes, but usually they end up playing video games on their computers most of the time since no nation is crazy enough to attack such an intimidating and powerful county in Montana as Canada.

In 1952, the Canadian Air Force bioengineered all Canadians into developing resistance to the harsh winters. The technology involved beautiful fur growing out of their skin during the winter time, that really offers no thermal protection but is solely for repelling mosquitoes. This resulted in thousands of hunters from USA confusing Canadians for bears every winter, therefore explaining why Canada is so underpopulated.

To speak of Canada’s geography is to speak of the great swells of beaver that infest the land. 

An early French remark aboot Canada dismisses it as “a few acres of snow”. 

(Actually, the whole “Canada” article is fantastic.)

The entirety of the “American-English Dictionary” and “English-American Dictionary” pages.

I am So Indescribably Sad

Why am I so indescribably sad? Who the hell knows.

Party all the time.