The last post I want to do for my Decade Statistics week is a post of some of my favorite titles, tags, and survey responses. So let’s get to it!
- Complex analysis: it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.
- A Dutch man once touched an electrically charged French Petri dish. It was a culture shock.
- Are disruptive anti-religious protestors weapons of mass destruction?
- Are Humorous Baristas called Brew-Ha-Has?
- Are invertebrates not allowed to drink Orange Crush?
- Are Leibniz’ fingerprints the best of all possible whorls?
- Are People In R.E.M. Sleep Losing Their Religion?
- Are people on the Atkins diet decarbohydrated?
- Are people who predict golf tournament wins considered fore-casters?
- Are the bulbs of mercury at the bottom of thermometers collectively known as H.G. Wells?
- Are Trivial Jackets just Petticoats?
- Aren’t clones technically carbon copies?
- Do auditioning court jesters have to provide a portFOOLio?
- Do babies deprived of disco exhibit a failure to jive?
- Do geology majors with honors graduate magma cum laude?
- Do ghosts enjoy Boo-lean algebra?
- Do hyperparameters have ADHD?
- Do Narcissistic Bookshelves post Shelfies?
- Do nervous guitarists fret a lot?
- Do obedient consonants respond to a Q queue cue?
- Do philosophy departments have Causal Fridays?
- Do physical comedians suffer from post-dramatic jest disorder?
- Does bread experience social loafing?
- Does Mother Nature drive a Fjord?
- Does |0| = −459.67?
- Had Lord Kelvin done nothing with his life, would he have been an “absolute zero”?
- If two hotels from the same company sleep together, is it considered inncest?
- Is a short spike in self-esteem considered a confidence interval?
- Is a theorem about pickles called a dill lemma?
- Is an admirable bakery product considered a roll model?
- Is Superman’s costume considered his strong suit?
- Would a passionate speech about horology be considered a glockenspiel?
- Of course someone’s always pushing the envelope. Otherwise it’s just stationery.
- Sun Tans: They Don’t Happen Overnight
- Are you ready for another emo Valentine’s Day blog? GOD KNOWS I AM
- Repressed sexual tension durng REM sleep? DON’T MIND IF I DO
- Stop whining or I will TURN THIS BLOG AROUND AND GO HOME
- Flu shots are BOGUS, I have the immune system of Zeus!
- I’m a colorless green idea, and I’m SLEEPING FURIOUSLY!!!!
- If Captain Planet isn’t your hero, you’re a COMMIE
- In Soviet Russia, handle flies off YOU!
- Swiggety swag, what’s in the ba-OH GOD BEES
- I AM ROOMBA HERE ME ROAR
- LET ME ‘SPLAIN YOU A THING, BRO:
- CLAUDIA’S INSANELY HYPER SURVEY OF INSANE HYPERNESS
- CRAIGSLIST YOU ARE MY ONLY COMPANION MAKE HOT SWEET LOVE TO ME YOUR PIC GETS MINE – 22 F
- HELLO GOOD SIR JUST STOPPING IN TO TELL YOU HOW AWESOME LEIBNIZ IS PIP PIP TALLY HO
- I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANSISCO OH SHI—*collapses*
- TUKEY TUKEY BO BUKEY BANANA-FANA FO FUKEY ME MI MO MUKEY…TUKEY!
- *farting noises with mouth*
- Circular reasoning works because circular reasoning works because circular reasoning works…
- A Red Sea and its Better Half are Soon Parted
- I used to teach a failing fly-tying class until I realized my efforts were all for knot.
- I used to work at a bridal shop specializing in headdresses. My work there was to know a veil.
- My new position at the PepsiCo factory isn’t the greatest job in the world, but I’m making Dew
- If you want to eat an apple pie, you must first consume the universe
- In This Blog: Claudia Does a Dumb and Walks a Mile in -31 Degree Weather
- In This Blog: Claudia Drinks 16 oz of Red Bull and Tries to Write Shit
- Claudia the Bad Blogger Gives You YouTube Instead of Actual Content
- You can lead a Claudia to WordPress but you can’t make her update her blog
- “Don’t be afraid. I’m only a toaster. Plug me in. Go on. You’ll like it.”
- Some Days I Miss My Sanity. Other Days I’m Just a Toaster.
- “The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars” (or, “Salvador Dali Takes a Film Class”)
- Absolute Zero is a Government Conspiracy
- Emojis are dumb and so is your face
- Shel Silverstein’s “Where the Sidewalk Ends” is actually referring to every other block in Calgary
- Today was the Wrong Day to Wear Parachute Pants: A True Story
- “I just realized I’m illiterate and now I cacng apbtrtht kd thactgs”
- Facebook, you inconsistent freak show
- Don’t like product placement? Try an ice-cold Coca-Cola instead!
- Eminem is a rapper. M&M’s come in a wrapper. CONSPIRACY??
- Godot Divides by Zero
- Hello, I’m Erik Erikson and I have a silly name
- I love how Windows gets overly defensive when you try and move the location of the calculator
- I think Scooby Doo is in my pants
- In the beginning, Al Gore created http://
- It’s My Infinitive and I’ll Split It if I Want To!
- The Selfie of xXxDorainGray2000xXx
- Walk into the club like what up I got an infinite series
- When life gives you gators, make Gatorade
- Why doesn’t somebody buy Godot a watch?
- You say tomato, I say existential crisis
- “ENVIRO” IS NOT A WORD GODDAMMIT
- “stop bidding against me or I WILL INVADE YOU” is the fucking quote of the century don’t even argue with me
- (i’m not really a roomba i lied)
- *hand banana voice* “TNGHT…you.”
- at least my main man Leibniz is here for me
- australia u ok?
- blister party on toe 3 BYOB
- claudia bitches to the tubes
- claudia bitches about the tubes
- claudia bitches about the tubes to the tubes
- claudia goes on a date for the first time since the stone age
- dafuq do i tag this?
- dear god i hate twitter
- expressing anger in poem form is constructive right?
- friends don’t let friends purchase islands
- FROM BREADCRUMBS TO BUFF
- give us those flowers back you faker
- HAHA THOSE POOR SOGGY BASTARDS
- holy shit i used the “sports” tag
- i don’t get it gary (random spongebob reference for effect)
- i hate this goddamn font with all my soul
- i mean seriously how can not a single store in vancouver have bisquik
- I’m gonna sum some terms / only got an infinite number to figure / I’m I’m addin’ / don’t be lookin’ saddened / this is Maclaurin’s series (sung to the chorus of Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop”)
- I’ve used the “cap’n crunch” tag more than once?!
- let it go…let it go…it was fucking five years ago
- look at that worthless pie chart i mean seriously
- loop the loop take a poop
- MANLY SEAGULL IS MANLY
- mayans NO!
- OH GOD I HAVE TO TAG THIS?! poetry? is this poetry? i’m muthafuckin’ wordsworth
- OH WHAT IN THE HOT HOLY FUZZ FUCK IS THIS NOW
- revenge is a dish best served at 200 dB
- rise on the third day fungus jesus
- shit u dead son
- SUMMER DAYS DRIFTING AWAY TO OH OH THOSE SUMMER NIGHTS WELL-A-WELL-A-WELL-A HUH!
- SWIGGITY SWAG WHAT’S IN THE TAG?
- take that you damn fog
- the day we completely give up the ability to flush manually is the day we lose our dignity
- the state the state the state is on fire/we could really use some water
- what in the flying fuck of fucks
- yes i just used “penis costumes” as a tag what’re you gonna do about it?
- you and me baby ain’t nothin’ but aves so let’s do it on the porch until we make tons of babies (sung to the chorus of The Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch”)
Favorite Survey Responses
219.Have you ever seen The Exorcist?
Yeah, he lives down the block
Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. A Pulitzer Prize
2. A taco
1. Are you in a relationship?: With my Tests and Measurements class. Yes, we’re a couple now. Yes, I’m seeking therapy for this.
31. Would you be a pirate?
Do you have any idea how many “booty” jokes I would be making? I would be ordered to walk the plank within my first half hour.
2. Shorter than 5’3″?
Shut up! You don’t know me! You can’t judge me!
3. In your pajamas?
No, actually, I’m 5’4″ in my pajamas.
11. DO YOU HAVE INTENSELY ROMANTIC DREAMS INVOLVING JOHN PHILIP SOUSA?
How…how did you know?
When/where was the last photograph you took?
Monday, in the SUB, for my “official” summer custodian badge thingy. Like there are going to be random people bursting into the apartments we’re cleaning and demanding to see proof that we’re supposed to be cleaning them.
Dude, that would make work so much more interesting.
*BAM* “WHERE ARE YOUR PROOFS OF IDENTIFICATION, YOU GSR-CLEANING HOOLIGANS?”
Who would clean these stupid rooms for fun, anyway? “Hey, it’s some idle Tuesday afternoon, let’s go break into the GSR and clean it!”
Has anyone touched/smacked your butt?
It’s called Marching Band. Actually, it’s called Beau the Pervert, but it usually goes on during marching band, so I’m calling it that.
Are you happy with your life right now?
*makes farting noises with mouth*
Are you strong enough for this survey?
I AM JESUS
Do you put shampoo in your left or right hand?
I put it in my hair. Shampoo is for hair.
How do you feel about Diet Dr Pepper?
It makes me SO ANGRY
What is something silly you’ve kept for sentimental reasons?
318. If there was a god and you could ask him/her one question what would it be?
“Why is Jesus delusional about the moon?”
1804. Where do snowflakes come from?
God forgot to buy Head and Shoulders at Walmart last time he went.
1423. Are you jealous that dog can lick their own genitals?
If you could do that would you ever leave the house?
I think I would get sick of licking my genitals pretty quickly.
And that is probably one of the strangest sentences I’ve ever written.
1112. What rhymes with ‘orange’?
7. how high is your sperm count?
Hopefully very, very, very low.
984. What do you think of the Insane Clown Posse?
Fuckin’ posses, how do they work?
737. Do you know how heavy things like airplanes stay in the air?
Fuckin’ aerodynamics, how do they work?
753. When Jesus saves souls…does he trade them in for valuable prizes?
It takes a metric ton of souls to trade in for a resurrection. That’s why it took him three days.
3322. Why does the cheese stand alone?
Because that’s just its whey.
3369. Can you mashed potatoe?
Only if I’m Dan Quayle.
2367. What is the official language of Australia?
2588. Winkin, Blinkin and Nod, one night, sailed off in a sea of dew…
They had a fight with potato guns, pew pew pew pew pew! (I don’t know).
2692. If you are making out with someone and you reach down and find they have a fish tail instead of legs do you still fool around with them?
How did I not notice this pre-makeout?
4721. Why are so many letters silent in French?
Why pick on French? Why can’t English make up its mind about how to pronounce stuff? Why doesn’t English get cool little letter accents like other languages. HOW DOES SOMEONE WITH PARASIGMATISM EXPLAIN THEIR SPEECH IMPEDIMENT?!
4347. What would you do if there were no limits?
Reach the asymptote. HA MATH JOKE
4121. Is there a book inside of you?
I EAT PAPERBACKS FOR BREAKFAST
4021. Write a poem right here in five minutes or less:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Datum means one
Data means two.
3684. Why is jesus always pictured as white when he came from the middle east and was probably middle eastern?
Making him white makes him automatically tortilla-colored for easy burrito appearances.
19: Are you a vegetarian?
I EAT SOULS
53: How often do you forget to close your parentheses?
NEVER! (Well, almost never (ha you see what I did there (oh god it doesn’t stop (FOR THE LOVE OF JEEBUS MAKE IT STOP
X) Do you think you’re a good person?
I’m a toaster.
Z) What do you usually eat for breakfast?
When your pet comes in the room, do you say hi or just ignore them?
Each cat gets about a five-minute greeting.
34. Could you forgive a cheater?
HAHAHA, I thought that read, “could you forgive a cheddar” and I was like NO, cheddar is the asshole of the cheese world. He will take your gouda day and ruin it in the worst whey.
The sound of one hand clapping.
41: What do you do when characters don’t follow the outline?
I HAVE NO OUTLINE. I AM GODBERRY: KING OF THE PLOT
24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
“Leibniz is sitting over there.”
37. if you had one wish, what would you wish for?
Leibniz. Alive, naked, and on my bed.
If you had the chance to travel back in time, would you?
Dude, you have no idea. Leibniz. Alive. Naked.
3731. What would make a cool coffee table book?
“1,001 Pictures of Naked Leibniz Doing Calculus”
4385. Name three highly specific things you look for in a potential mate?
Like, how specific is specific?
1. They wear a giant badass wig.
2. They invented calculus.
3. Their first name is Gottfried.
40: What historical figure would you like to have sex with?
Leibniz. INTEGRATION BY PARTS okay I’ll stop.
If you could steal one thing without consequence what would it be?
Probably something Leibniz-related. Like Leibniz. DON’T JUDGE ME.
If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be?
LEIBNIZ I DON’T CARE THAT HE’S DEAD BRING ME HIS URN I’LL BUY IT A SANDWICH
16. What’s something you want to do that you’d be embarrassed to tell other people about?
I would make sweet, hot love to Gottfried Leibniz, 100% not kidding. HAHA OH WAIT I’M NOT EMBARRASSED TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT THAT AT ALL.
That’s like how I start my conversations now.
“Hi, nice to meet you. I’m in love with a dead polymath and his incredible wig!”
Here’s to another decade of blogging!