Words with Aneel
Hey, Aneel! Remember that day long ago when I was trying to talk to you on messenger but you weren’t there so I had this little “conversation” with you? Here it is:
Aneel says: Ah, lovely day, isn’t it?
Claudia says: Yes it is, Aneel. What events have you planned for such a glorious day?
Aneel says: Perhaps a walk out-of-doors, though I’m not really much of an outdoors type.
Claudia says: That’s quite true.
Aneel says: Quite.
Claudia says: Quite.
Aneel says: I feel a boredom coming over me.
Claudia says: Perhaps a song will cheer you up. How about a rendition of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat?” A round. I’ll start:
Claudia says: “Row, row, row your boat / Gently down the stream…”
Aneel says: “Row, row, row your boat / Gently down the stream…”
Claudia says: “Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily / Life is but a dream!”
Aneel says: “Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily / Life is but a dream!”
Claudia says: Did that cure your boredom?
Aneel says: Yes it did, dear friend, thank you.
Claudia says: You’re welcome.
Aneel says: My boredom is cured thanks to your genius and wit. I shall nominate you for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Claudia says: Thank you, my friend, but I’m afraid it’s already been done. I’ve already written my acceptance speech as well as acceptance speeches for the Pulitzer Prize, the Emmys, the Grammys, and the Oscars. They all start out the same: “Back when my dear friend Aneel broke the mirror off his car…”
Aneel says: Oh, how witty! Ha-ha!
Claudia says: Ha-ha!
Aneel says: Ha-ha!
Claudia says: I do feel this is the most meaningful conversation we’ve ever had.
Aneel says: I quite agree.
Claudia says: How much longer do you think we can keep up such a piece of wit and hysteria?
Aneel says: A fortnight, perhaps.
Claudia says: Perhaps.
Aneel says: By-the-by, I have what you call a “blind date” set up for Wednesday night. However, I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. Their name is “Kelly”.
Claudia says: Traditionally, the spelling K-E-L-L-Y is a masculine form of the name, and I suggest you back out (unless you’re into same-sex dating). However, since these are crazy, mixed-up times we live in, perhaps it is a girl, in which case I suggest you bring chocolates.
Aneel says: Once again, your genius saves the day.
Claudia says: Thank you.
Aneel says: You’re welcome.
Claudia says: Oh, what a faux pas! I just ordered PINK flowers for a friend whose favorite color is RED!
Aneel says: You’re in a pickle now. As they say, “LOL!”
Claudia says: Yes, “LOL” indeed.
Claudia says: I just read my horoscope. Would you like to hear it?
Aneel says: Of course, for if you will remember, your horoscope is the same as mine.
Claudia says: Oh, silly me! “LOL!”
Aneel says: Ha-ha!
Claudia says: Ha-ha!
Claudia says: Here it is: “Aquarius: your extreme skills in the field of gynecology will have great impacts on your social life. Be cautious, however; the wrong person will leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth.”
Aneel says: “Gynecology?” You must be joking.
Claudia says: I never joke.
Aneel says: The nerve of this newspaper!
Claudia says: Quite!
Claudia says: I’m going to write a letter to the editor. A strongly-worded, opinionated, and occasionally blasphemous letter to the editor.
Aneel says: You will strike a blow for decency.
Claudia says: Don’t say “blow”.
Aneel says: Sorry.
Claudia says: I knew that Pulitzer Prize acceptance speech would come in handy.
Aneel says: You’re quite right!
Claudia says: I must go now, Aneel, as my hand is fevered with passion at this topic.
Aneel says: ‘Ta!
Claudia says: ‘Ta!
I found this in my messenger history this morning and laughed for about an hour. Too bad we don’t really have these kinds of conversations!
Ch-ch-check it out!
It’s another one of my blog titles that has nothing to do with the actual blog!
Anyway, so Rob and I were talking online because I was doing math and was hating it and wanted someone to talk to, so we got all…how to say it…”philosophical”, in a way, and I got this grand idea, because I’m so lonely, to get a golf ball and paint a little face on it (ala Cast Away so that I can have a little friend in my room to talk to.
My new best friend, Titleist. He’s a Virgo with a promising future in makeup artistry. He has a weakness for poetry and enjoys, on occasion, a horse ride on the beach during a sunset.
*cough*gaygolfball*cough*
I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard…
…in my entire life!! That was the best time I’ve ever had with my friends. Here goes the sequence of events:
1. Candida and Shannyn and I wait for Aneel and E’raina and Amy while Aneel picks out a swimming suit.
2. Go up to room and try on sexy lengerie (including Aneel).
3. Get pizza.
4. Get miscellaneous crap from WinCo.
5. Swim swim!
6. Stripping for Shannyn!
7. “Team America!”
8. Get awful news that Aneel has to leave.
9. Aneel vanishes!
…
And now the fun REALLY starts…
So Aneel leaves and Shannyn and Candida go into the other room we rented. This leaves Amy, E’raina and I. We watch some dating shows on TV (including Next), and we ponder pillow fighting, which occurs. As we’re doing this, E’raina starts texting Aneel, asking him…um…”personal” questions while he is desperate for pics of our pillow fights. Then he went to bed cause we wouldn’t give him any pictures.
Then E’raina and Amy were messing around on the beds and then we were all lying in one bed and we started having these conversations about SUBWAY!! We were talking about cucumbers and that led to the best quotes of the night:
-“Crunchatize me, Cap’n!” ~E’raina (this had me laughing for about three hours)
-“Subway…eat fresh!” ~Amy
-“Subway…eat fresh…with Jared!” ~Me
And here are some other fun ones:
-“It’s gettin’ cold in here…so put on all your clothes…” ~E’raina
-“The tusk senses all!” ~Me
Holy crap…we were laughing so hard…then Amy and E’raina started wrestling and I took some photos in the dark, which I have to get developed real soon. I don’ think we had any neighbors, or else we would have gotten kicked out of the hotel.
That was the best night I’ve ever had!!
Turn off the lights! T-t-turn off the lights!
Man, I’m bored. Can you tell? A week from now, I’ll be decorating my dorm room…creepy.
Tonight, however, is my happy party! Hooray!
…
…
Short blog. 101 is always worse than 100.
“I’m going to be a great movie star some day”
You know what’s great about my friends?
~ I can strip in front of them and they just want to join me.
~ They don’t laugh at me, they laugh with me (mainly because I’m always laughing at myself. Weirdo.).
~ They let me ride in their cars (Aneel and Amy!).
~ They take me up to the surgical center on the hill and we do fun things.
~ They do this:
…and don’t give me crap about the extreme glare coming from my whitey-white legs.
They all rock my socks!
(photo courtesy (that means stolen) from Aneel’s pictures page!)
My title’s a Marilyn Monroe quote, by the way.
“Serious” conversations with Aneel and E’raina
Ola!
So tonight, Aneel and E’raina came over and we had some “serious” conversation in the living room.
Some topics:
1) Aneel’s femininity
2) my dad’s leg lamp
3) our college goals (E’raina’s: “to get a date with an upperclassman”; Aneel’s: “to get a date”; mine: “to get straight A’s” )
4) breast size/bra size/explaining to Aneel the relationship between the two
5) Hunter’s hotness
6) PUSSAY!
I love these guys!
Fun with Candida, Aneel, and Amy
Wee! Yesterday, Aneel, Amy, and Candida kidnapped me late at night and, after making a quick run to Wal-Mart to buy Candida a bra, we went over to Shannyn’s mom’s house and watched “The Sixth Sense”. It wasn’t too freaky…the best part was when we were watching all the dead people and Shannyn’s dog jumped onto Aneel’s man-bits.
Then we (Aneel, Candida, Shannyn’s brother and I) went outside and got yelled at for being too loud. Then we tried to sleep on the trampoline, but it was too cold so we went inside.
We stayed up till 3 A.M. Hooray!
Friends + ice cream + water + plastic bags = FUN!
Today my buds Candida, Shannyn, Amy, Aneel and I went to Baskin Robbins and got ice cream. Then we went down to the field, threw pinecones at Aneel (okay, I threw pinecones at Aneel), compared our bras, I put on a…um…show ( ), and then we went to Shannyn and Candida’s house.
There, we harassed Aneel some more when we played a game involving throwing a ball up into the air and shouting a person’s name. They have to catch the ball and yell “freeze” after everyone scatters (or tries to). Then they have to throw the ball at someone. It was fun.
After about 8 rounds, I jumped into their Jacuzzi to get away from Candida. Fully clothed. Hehe. And Aneel had the car. This created a problem, considering the car he was driving was his parents’ car, and considering that he is a car seat.
So what did I do? After playing a twisted game of Uno, I made Candida get me two plastic bags. I made leg-holes in one and wore it like a diaper. I put a head-hole and two arm-holes in another and wore it like a shirt. I tied the handles together in the middle, and voila! Sexy see-through! Too bad I had my clothes on underneath . Shannyn’s dad got pictures.
It’s too bad E’raina missed it. E’raina, it’s too bad you missed it. We all missed you!
Come back soon!
Fun with the Periodic Table!
More geeky fun!
Let’s see if my friends’ personalities match up with the descriptions of the elements on the Periodic Table that their initials spell out! Annnnnd…go!
First is me. Cause I’m always first.
1) Claudia: Curium (Cm)
Description: Atomic number 96, Curium was discovered in 1944 and is named in honor of Pierre and Marie Curie. It is created by bombarding plutonium with helium ions and is so radioactive it glows in the dark. Very limited quantities.
Uses: used on a Mars expedition as a part of the Alpha Proton X-ray Spectrometer.
How it Kills: accumulates in bone tissue, where its radiation destroys bone marrow and therefore ends red blood cell creation.
2) Aneel: Arsenic (As)
Description: Atomic number 33, Arsenic was discovered in 1250 and is Greek for male (rendering the accuracy of this description to the personality of Aneel as non-existent). Naturally occurring.
Uses: poison, shotgun pellets, lasers, glass, and mirrors.
How it Kills: when inhaled, lung cancer. When touched, skin cancer. When ingested, intestine and liver damage.
3) Candida: Calcium (Ca)*
Description: Atomic number 20, Calcium was discovered in 1808 and makes up about 3.5f Earths crust. It is the fifth most abundant element, and occurs only in compounds.
Uses: dehydrating oils, fertilizer, concrete, and bone (duh).
How it Kills: too little of it, and you become a crippled person with crappy bones. Too much of it, and you get kidney stones!
4) Eraina: Erbium (Er)*
Description: Atomic number 68, Erbium was discovered in 1843 and is named after a town in Sweden. It is rare, and is often found with other heavy rare earth metals.
Uses: photographic filters, neutron absorbers, pink pigment in ceramics.
How it Kills: fire and lung embolisms and liver failure! Oh my!
5) Paula: Protactinium (Pa)*
Description: Atomic number 91, Protactinium was discovered in 1917 and is the parent element of Actinium (holy crap, thats Alan! Sorry, Paula!). It does not occur in nature.
Uses: basic scientific research (due to rarity).
How it Kills: toxicity and radioactivity!
6) Rob: Rubidium (Rb)
Description: Atomic number 37, Rubidium was discovered in 1861 and, though abundant, is so widespread that it is difficult to obtain large amounts of it. Latin for “red”.
Uses: fireworks, atomic clocks, vacuum tubes.
How it Kills: makes fire…on water!
7) Shannyn: Antimony (Sb)
Description: Atomic number 51, Antimony was known to the ancients. Though it is not abundant, it is present in over 100 minerals. Most antimony is from China.
Uses: mascara, infrared detectors, diodes, plastics, and chemicals.
How it Kills: makes you broke! (Get it? Get it? Okay, kill me.) Actually, it is very similar to Arsenic poisoning (sorry, Shannyn!) and large amounts lead to death in a few days. Small doses cause dizziness, headaches, and depression.
* These unfortunate people do not have an element if I use their initials. So I used the first two letters of their first names instead!
I need some form of serious psychiatric help. Seriously. I’m analyzing my friends through the use of the Periodic Table of Elements.
Accuracy? You tell me.
Put on your happy pants!
So the year is coming to a close, and I feel the best way to end it (on my blog, at least) is to make a list of my most-remembered memories from our little lunch group.
So without further ado, I present to you:
~* The Most-Remembered Memories List! *~
~ The “family tree” I made out of my deck of cards
~ That creepy bearded guy cornering me while I had a pad in my pants and asking whether or not my parents would approve of me being “inappropriate”
~ Crab humping! (and “over capacity” Jacob!)
~ Sticking my clarinet case down my pants
~ Taking off my bra and throwing it on Aneel (multiple occurrences)
~ The whole “that’s not Gangrene!” situation
~ Tampy!
~ The tampon machine
~ “Boxing” with Hunter
~ Pissing off Alan (multiple occurrences)
~ Throwing M&Ms up into the ceiling with Candida
~ Those cardboard stilts in the bathroom
~ Harassing Ballerina Boy (multiple occurrences)
~ Taking butt and crotch pictures with my camera phone
~ Those Easter eggs–whacking them with my head
~ My reading of To Kill A Mockingbird
~ Crab-walking down the hall
~ Writing the Valentine’s Day poem to Aneel’s brother
~ Taking off my panties while wearing a skirt and then doing a cartwheel (thanks, E’raina!)
There are probably dozens more. Do you guys remember something that I don’t? If you do, tell me and I’ll stick it on here!
Hunter, my dad, and Aneel’s issues
Part One: In Which I Discuss Hunter’s Deceiving Of The Attendance Lady
Although others (E’raina, Hunter) may discuss this as well, I want to put it up here first. So today we were all sitting at lunch and Hunter had his cell phone out and was on hold with someone (I dunno who). Then the attendance lady walks by and says, “Are you using your cell phone on school grounds?” (or something to that effect) and Hunter does this all innocent, straight-faced, “Um, I think my Grandma just died…my mom left a confusing message and I don’t’ know what it means”. She just looks away in shame and continues walking. It was so friggin’ hilarious!! Kudos to Hunter. You are going to hell.
Part Two: In Which I Discuss My Dad’s Ability To Mispronounce Everything
My dad comes downstairs last night and starts talking to us about how he and his friend Joe were going to go see a movie. We ask him how Joe’s doing, considering he had just had is carotid artery all cleaned out (apparently it was about 95 locked). Dad says, “He’s okay, his corotorraterated artery surgery was awhile ago.” We started laughing at him, since he NEVER can pronounce anything right. Oh well. It was funny at the time.
Part 3: In Which I Discuss Aneel And His Issues
Aneel has created a new word: elasticated. I will now define it for you:
Elasticated (adj.): being devoid of all elasticity, e.g. Aneel’s swim trunks
Aneel is having issues about an apparent “gray hair” that he found while trying on new swim trunks (not down there, you sickos!) and is worried that he is “prematurely aging”. So I say, “You’re not prematurely aging, you silly boy!” And then I recommended Just for Men.
I’m weird.
Aneel…doubting me?
Okay…so this is the actual comment Aneel left on my “Jell-o Candle” picture:
| Aneel | May 26, 2006 9:05 PM
WTF how in the world did you make a candle out of jello? I bet you didn’t I bet it looks like jello anyways it’s cool |
What a butt! Aneel, that candle was totally Jell-o! You know those little Jell-o cup doodads? If you just whack one on a table upside down a few times, it’ll come out. Then stick a wick in it and light it and voila! Instant JELL-O CANDLE.
I am disappointed in you, Aneel.
But I love you, anyways!
Two poems about Aneel!
Okay. I was bored tonight and decided to take two poems that I wrote about Aneel (one in 7th grade and one last year) and put them up here to see what people think of them. Here they are:
Aneel (written in 7th grade)
Aneel shall die at twilight
You can almost hear him shake
He is overrun by evil
Never again to wake.
As chimes sound the hour
Fate tightens its noose
Aneel thinks with every breath
That he will not get loose.
He drinks his tea with caution
Eats his crumpet with care
For he knows, fortunately
That poison could be there.
The sky is getting darker
Light sinks beyond the hills
Aneel is schizophrenic
He needs to take some pills.
The ground is white as cotton
In a blizzard thick as snow
Aneel is mighty frightened
Not sure which way to go.
As twilight comes ever closer
It scares him evermore
Waiting in the dusk there
Is no major bore.
The demons are approaching
Crawling on the floor
The seep in through the keyhole
They creep beneath the door.
Aneel sits in his chair now
Waiting for his doom
For at the door this hour
Spirits creep and loom.
The sun sets and its twilight
Aneel is soon to die
But something gleams and glimmers
And catches Aneels eye.
He sits straight up in wonder
Of the sight that he beheld
Something that possessed him
Could not let him repel.
The creature was an angel
A guardian one, at that
Aneel know in his heart that
He had not come to chat.
The angel touched his head, then
And sucked out all his fear
And bent down to his level
And whispered in his ear,
What are you waiting for, son?
You know your time has come.
I have come to spare you
So take this chance and run!
The spirit left Aneel there
Sitting in a shock
Trembling from his hair
Way down into his socks.
Freed from this predicament
He slowly went to bed
And still his good head tingled
From that hand upon his head.
And this one…
Goodnight Aneel (apologies to whoever wrote Goodnight Moon)
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight cars
Goodnight Mars.
Goodnight overstuffed backpack
Goodnight personalized spice rack.
Goodnight fancy new viola
Goodnight Special K granola.
Goodnight photo of German chick
And goodnight assignment for when Shannyn was sick.
Goodnight super strength sculpting gel
And Goodnight Algebra book from hell.
Goodnight torn and sewn up pants
What’s the capital of France?
Goodnight Co-Op fabrication
And Goodnight to The Sims Vacation.
And finally, for the best Karma
Goodnight to the Aneel Sharma!
There ya go. Have fun! And sorry, Aneel!
What?…why?…when?…confusion.
Rejection at every turn today.
Perhaps I’m just imagining it, but it seemed pretty real. I got a fortune cookie yesterday that said “your popularity will increase”. I figured it was right, considering my popularity could not possibly get any lower.
But I guess I was wrong.
Like I said, though, I could be imagining all this…
…but I doubt it.
But happy birthday, mom!! I love you!!
Why is it…
…that I have only 4 friends on Myspace? I’ve been here for half a month now. Do I have this uncanny ability to turn people away even on the internet?
Also, why is it that I tend to fall in love with fictional characters? In books, movies, and yes–even cartoons.
Why?
And on a semi-related note. Self-explanatory.
Apples and such
I was so pissed off yesterday that I forgot to mention Candida and the apple. You know that bottom part of the apple that is on the exact underside of the stem? That’s the apple’s anus. You do not eat the apple’s anus.
What did Candida do yesterday? SHE ATE THE APPLE’S ANUS!!! She is no longer the Candida I once knew.
That Candida is dead to me.
But we are still in love.
Brilliant!
I just had the greatest idea–I’m going to make a pop-up book about my freaky friends!! This includes all of you (Amy, Aneel, Candida, E’raina, and Shannyn!). And it won’t be just any pop-up book, all boring and monotonous–it’ll be insulting and obnoxiously strange!!!
I love my ideas.
I love my butt.
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