Why? Because I produce nothing but quality blog content, that’s why.

Disclaimer: there are like 600 different pasta shapes, so I’m going to limit this to pasta shapes that I am relatively familiar with and/or have seen in the wild to avoid this blog dragging on for ever and ever only to contain obscure pastas that no one’s ever heard of. Like, “bigoli” sounds like a fake Italian word that someone came up with when pretending to be Italian and is thus hilarious, but I’ve never seen it on a shelf, so it’s not gonna be on this list.

Anyway. Ready?

[Edit: this list is a lot shorter than I thought it’d be, haha. I GUESS I AM NOT THE PASTA CONNOISSEUR I THOUGHT I WAS MY LIFE IS A LIE]

Pappardelle
Confession: I have never actually had pappardelle noodles, but this is the tastiest looking pasta in the universe.
Seriously, look at it.

(from here)

I NEEEEEED!

Penne
Penne is my bro, but only if it’s got the ridges. The smooth ones look like weird sharp penises and that’s not super appetizing.

Spaghetti
The good old standard. But I’m super picky about what spaghetti is the best. Some brands make it too thin, and I don’t like thin pasta. Winco’s brand is actually the best.

Ravioli
I used to make ravioli (“make” as in boil pre-made stuff I got at the store) at like 1 AM after I got back from work when I worked the closing shift at Wendy’s. It had like twenty cheeses in it. Fantastic.

Rotini
How to make the Food of the Gods™:

1. Cook rotini until it’s almost mush (al dante pasta can go suck it)
2. Cover cooked rotini with copious amounts of shredded Colby Jack cheese
3. Nom
4. Ascend

Linguine
Not quite as good as spaghetti, but a nice flat, not-too-skinny pasta that will sub for spaghetti if necessary.

Conchiglie
Little shells! Super cute. I actually don’t think I’ve had this type of pasta since I was a kid, but I remember really liking the texture of it. I liked cupping the shell around the tip of my tongue.

Conchiglioni
GIANT SHELLS! Never had them, but they look cool.

Fettuccine
Fettuccine works if you’ve got the right set of “other” ingredients, but I don’t know if it would always work. If that makes sense.

Lasagna
This is low on the list because who in the hell eats lasagna noodles outside of actual lasagna? I feel like they’d be super weird. …Now I want to try it.

Tortellini
Another pasta that I’m pretty sure I’ve never had. They look like ravioli with a little too much pasta bit and not enough filling. They also look hard, and pasta should be mush.

Rigatoni
Fat tubes? Yay! Can hold much cheese.

Farfalle
Li’l bow ties! Cute, but I’ve never had them. I suspect a weird texture.

Rotelle
Li’l wheels! See above.

Alfabeto
The fact that alphabet pasta has an “Italianized” name is freaking adorable. I like it.

Capellini
Too skinny. Weird texture. 0/10 would not nom again.

Gnocchi
Kinda like tortellini, I’ve never had gnocchi. They look hard. And isn’t gnocchi usually made from potato? IMPOSTER PASTA! IMPASTA!

Orzo
Is it rice? Are they larvae? Is it a mix of the two? Risotto’s evil twin.

…This was an exercise in “how can I waste my time this evening?”