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I took waaaaaay more pills than I should have.
But now I’m too loopy to give a fuck, so wooooo!
If I die, I’ll die happy.
You know what I want?
Some LSD. This reality isn’t cutting it anymore.
(Half year later edit: yeah, October pretty much sucked)
I’m not having an emotional breakdown, I’m just not wearing pants today
In other news, fuck off.
Misery
Today I wigged out at my potato peeler.
I mean seriously wigged out.
Then I had an hour long discussion with my reflection regarding what I complete loser I am.
Something needs to be done.
Ergh.
I don’t know what’s up with me these past few days. I don’t want to ride the bus. I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to stay inside, either. There are a zillion spiders trying to break in here. It’s dark. It’s cloudy. I itch. Every night I’ve been here I’ve had a nightmare. I just want to curl up in a little ball and die there.
This feeling is obnoxious and I hope it goes away soon.
Until we meet again, USA…
So today my mom and I drove up to Vancouver to move my crap into my new apartment. I almost made my playlist EXACTLY as long as it needed to be…if we hadn’t gotten stuck in a traffic jam, it would have ended perfectly.
Oh well.
Pictures to come soon.
Edit: right here!
I’m going to miss all you weirdos
Aww, I’m going to miss all you strange and silly people I’ve acquired as friends. Particularly you band geeks and you former roommates. Especially those of you who stripped with me…which is a surprisingly large amount of you.
I’ll see y’all at the end of October, then again sometime in December/January. We should all hang at my dad’s during Christmas break. Pizza and other randomness.
So can we all say that we’ve witnessed the day that pigs flu?
Oh…life is strange, isn’t it?
Sometimes you want something and work on trying to suppress the want before finally giving up and going after it deliberately.
And then you get it, but only for a little while, until you realize it’s not meant to be and you might as well forget about it, no matter how hard it is (but you secretly still hope for it).
And then a bunch of new developments arise and you realize you’ll most likely never get what you want, and at the same time it also comes into light that you could have had what you now want way back at the start, before you even knew that’s what you wanted…but that’s all in the past so why bother with it anyway?
And then time passes, you try to forget about the thing you wanted, passing it off as something that will never happen in a million years. And you start to actually believe it and actually start to forget.
And then it happens, completely out of the blue, completely in a way that was unanticipated.
And you’re happy about it.
Cryptic? Who cares, it’s my blog.
Woah.
Life can be really ironic sometimes.
But also very, very amazing at the same time.
Go away.
Just leave me the hell alone. All of you.
Bad day. STFU.
I’m having a bad time.
Please leave me alone.
I feel like crap, leave me alone.
Read the title. Then go away.
Gimme an S! Gimme a T! Gimme an R! Gimme an E! Gimme two S’s! What does that spell?!
Ugh.
I’m apologizing to you all. Some of you, I’m apologizing to for things I’ve already done, the rest of you, I’m apologizing for things that I may do in the coming few weeks. Here’s why:
As you all have read (hopefully), a while back I blogged about how much I’ve changed since getting off the meds…how my outlook on life has changed, how my attitudes have changed, all that good stuff. Well, since the “I stared academic failure in the face” incident with my stat 401 test, I’ve been really, really stressed out. Unfortunately, I’ve found myself reverting to my old coping mechanisms and my old frame of mind. And if you knew me at all prior to last December, you know how bad I was.
I’m just scared as hell that I’m reverting back to my old self. I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT, I really, really don’t. So if I’m bitchy, if I snap at you, if I’m self depreciating (I mean, worse than I have been in the past few months), if I’m depressing to be around, it’s because I’m stressed and because I’m so damn afraid of going back to what I was. ‘Cause honestly, if I go back to that after these five or so months of being so much better, I really don’t know what I’m going to do…
So if you guys could be understanding till finals are over, I’d appreciate it. Thanks.
Did you ever wake up in the morning…
And realize what a piece of utter, worthless crap you are?
I need to remember to take my freaking pills, cause this really, really sucks.
50 Things Everyone Should Experience/Be Exposed To
I am a rather inexperienced human being when it comes to true life experiences…going out and doing stuff and the like. I spend 90% of my time in my head, adventuring there. However, I, a person who’s spent their entire measly life in a small town in Idaho, shall give you 50 things that I think everyone should experience or be exposed to. All of them are things I’ve done or seen, obviously, or else I wouldn’t know whether or not they’re worth experiencing. Some are big things, some are little tiny things that I just think are fun. How many have you experienced/been exposed to? They’re in no order whatsoever, by the way…just listed them as I thought of them.
1. Throw pottery.
I’m not talking about chucking vases across the room. I’m talking throwing a bowl or a pot or a cup with clay on a potter’s wheel. It takes a heck of a lot of practice, but once you get it you’ll feel really good about what you’ve created. If possible, dig your own clay. That’s really fun (and messy).
2. Listen to “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen.
It’s a freaking classic song. It’s even more fun if you know the lyrics and you can sing crazily along while pretending to play guitar. I highly recommend it.
3. Go on a cruise.
Have you ever been out on the open ocean? I would go on a cruise simply for the experience of seeing the ocean and feeling the ocean breeze while you’re out on deck, never mind all the fancy-shmancy stuff they do on cruises (though that’s pretty fun, too). Plus, if you’re on a big ship, you can explore for hours on end!
4. Listen to Mozart’s “Requiem.”
It’s beautiful. It will move you.
5. Read Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World.
If you’re interested in society/control/human and societal control at all, you should read this.
It’s stuff you’ve probably thought about before with other stuff thrown in as well.
6. See something you’ve created published/put in an exhibit/played/produced.
Or all of the above. I recommend something that will allow others to interpret freely what you’ve done and reproduce it themselves. There’s nothing more satisfying than seeing one of your works interpreted.
7. Go to http://maddox.xmission.com/.
I just think he’s funny. And his “Idaho Blows” article is freaking hilarious because it’s all true.
8. Mess around with Google Earth.
This is just one of those things that you have to do because it’s so cool. The technology we have is amazing. Find your house, it’s fun!
9. Explore a river/creek/stream.
Preferably with a group of dorky friends, and preferably when it’s the last thing you’re supposed to be doing. Just make sure it’s a creek free of leeches. Speaking from experience here.
10. Go to church/synagogue/some sort of formal worship.
Even if you’re not of that religion. Actually, especially if you’re not of that religion. Just experience it, see what it’s all about. I myself am thinking of going to St. Mary’s Catholic Church again one time this year for a service. Anyone want to join me?
11. Stay up all night.
Man, it’s fun, especially when combined with number 35 on this list. Plus, you might come up with some crazy stuff.
12. Watch “The Butterfly Effect.”
Thanks to Matt (thanks, Matt!) I now have the experience of watching this movie logged into my brain. It’ll freak you the crap out, cause it’s really, really good. Watch it.
13. Play The Sims.
You will get to feel like GOD! You will get to create people you know or people you don’t know but are interesting anyway. You will get to set people up in funky custom houses and allow people to date/mate/fight/go to military school. It’s really, really fun.
14. Go on a road trip with friends.
And video tape it if you can. This is going to sound really corny, but you will bond with them. Especially if you’re all hyper.
15. Go through everything you own and get rid of everything you don’t need/want.
I did this the summer before college, and I wound up with everything I owned being able to fit inside a 5×3 (or so) closet. It’s really nice to be able to only own what you’ll need/use ever again. Who needs all that stuff, anyway?
16. Be in a play.
It really is fun, especially if it’s a comedy, and especially if you’re in it with a bunch of drama geeks. You get to be a different person!
17. Go to http://www.homestarrunner.com/.
Come on, it’s a classic! Everybody loves Strong Bad emails.
18. Learn to play an instrument.
Music improves grades. And even if you’re not in college, it’s fun to be able to make noises, isn’t it?
19. Read Chaim Potok’s The Chosen.
Oh man, this novel got to me. I must say, it’s one of three books that have ever made me cry when I finished it (it takes a lot to make me cry for a book). Just read it. You won’t regret it.
20. Dink around with Speakonia.
Go to Google, type in “speakonia,” download it, and type away. It’s a text-to-speech program and you can have so much fun with it! I suggest, if you blog, copying your blogs into the space and hearing them read back to you. What fun!
21. Love.
Even if it’s unreciprocated. It’s an experience.
22. Read Plato’s Republic.
Ah, the basis of modern civilizations. And if you know anything about Plato’s views of the soul, this will also be very interesting. Long, but interesting. You gotta love Plato.
23. Own a cat.
They’re freaking awesome, what can I say? British Shorthairs are precious.
24. Listen to “Tubular Bells” by Mike Oldfield.
This is a good song to create art to, especially mandalas. Parts of it may freak you out because it goes from very soft and soothing in some parts to very loud and jagged in others, but it’s really interesting.
25. Watch “Armageddon.”
The classic American corny movie. You have to love corny movies. “Armageddon” takes the cake. (“I’m Bruce Willis Man!”)
26. Participate in a chatroom discussion.
Man, it’s too bad Yahoo! chat took down their teen chats. They were freaking hilarious. Really, if you can find a chatroom in which there are dozens of teenagers, go in there and be a complete arrogant jerk. It’s really fun. Just be whomever you want to be. It’s the internet, after all.
27. Play this game.
Live life any way you want. Make any choices you want and see where they get you. Be good, be bad. Be in between. Get married. Stay single. Do drugs. Take risks. It’s really fun.
28. Be an organ donor.
This is less of an experience and more of a thing you should just do in case you die prematurely. Think of the good your heart can do after you die, for example, if you donate it. Your kidneys, liver, lungs, and pancreas, too. Think of all the people you could help. Just do it.
29. Go overseas.
Take a vacation! See the world! I recommend Stockholm, but it’s the only place I’ve really been oversees. It’s great, though. Expose yourself to the world (not that way, sickos! You’ll get arrested that way!).
30. Read George Orwell’s 1984.
Good book.
31. Listen to “Let It Be” by The Beatles.
It’s a good song. Really. Listen to it when you’re feeling down. Sing along. You’ll cry, but you’ll feel better. At least, that’s my experience.
32. Ride a rollercoaster.
Oh my, is this fun! Take your hands off the bars and scream all you want. It’s freeing.
33. Learn Flash.
This is just a dinky little thing I put on here because I myself have learned it and I think it’s really fun to use and another medium through which to be weird. Do it!
34. Read Plato’s Apology.
This is, what experts believe, Plato’s recording of what Socrates said at his trial to be put to death. Very interesting. Moving, too.
35. Have a sleepover.
It doesn’t matter your gender, just do it at some point in your life! You won’t regret it. It’s really fun if you’ve got good friends.
36. Fall in absolute love with a class.
Know what it feels like to look forward to a class every single day! It really feels good.
37. http://www.angryalien.com/.
Watch classic movies redone in 30 seconds. With animated bunnies. I recommend “Jaws” and “Titanic” personally. Very funny.
38. Take a philosophy class.
Learn about some ancient thinkers! It will open your mind, really.
39. Listen to any Deep Forest.
You know what Deep Forest is? Well, their first CD featured African Pygmy singers and their songs set to modern, techno beats. Sound strange? Actually, it’s really, really good. Their other CDs are good as well, but I recommend the first, entitled “Deep Forest.” Different, but good.
40. Go to a drag show.
Ah, what fun. This can be real eye-opening for the open-minded among us here in Idaho who feel, out of sheer lack of exposure, that other liberally-minded people do not exist in the state. Appreciate the fun. Appreciate the diversity. And go in drag, it’s fun!
41. Watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7hsQA3wo3Q.
Get a perspective on where you stand in the grand scheme of things. Puts your ego in its place, I think.
42. Listen to “Fitter, Happier” by Radiohead.
Listen to the lyrics and combine it with the music itself. Very intense. At least, I think so.
43. Read Shakespeare’s Hamlet.
I consider this the classic Shakespearean play. If you can, get a bunch of Shakespeare nerds to read it aloud with you, each of you picking a character. It’s just a good play.
44. Experience the political hilarity of Capitol Steps.
Whether you like politics or not, the group Capitol Steps is hilarious! They take old songs and put new lyrics to the music, making fun of current political issues (both Democrat and Republican). They love Bush. Really, they’re very funny. Give them a try sometime.
45. Listen to comedian Brian Regan.
I’m not big on comedians. I’ve never really found another I’ve liked except for this guy. I don’t know if it’s because it’s my kind of humor or what, but I really like him. Very funny.
46. Get caught up in the moment.
Whatever it is, let yourself go. Pretend there are no consequences for once and just see what happens. Whether it brings regret or not later, you will not have regretted it in that split second of time.
47. Listen to “Jupiter” by Gustav Holst.
I think this is the best of the planets. It’s just a fun piece of music. I don’t know what exactly it is I like about it, but I like it a lot. For some reason I feel that I’d heard it very early on in my childhood.
48. Watch http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/351568.
It isn’t the best-animated piece of Flash by far, and it is a clock movie (if you know who the clocks are; you may like them or hate them), but it’s got a really touching message to it, I think. I think it’s something we all need to remind ourselves of daily. I think it’s sweet.
49. Get tested for your aptitudes.
Get tested to see what you’re naturally good at. I did this a couple years ago at this institute thingy over in Seattle and, aside from being fun (what can I say, I like tests), I thought it was really informative. It might help you choose a career if you’re having trouble with that kind of thing, too.
50. Ice skate.
Ha, last one. I put this on here because not only is it a fun thing to do but it’s also an activity that, while participating in it, you can let your mind wander to whatever you want. It’s a good “thinking” activity.
There. Hope you likey!
Letting go
You know what emotion drives me nuts? Anger.
There’s an irrationality to it that I can’t accept, even when I probably should (and probably need to). I mean really, it’s a very irrational and illogical emotion. Of course, of course, there is a practical purpose for it; it is a heightened state of arousal that is very necessary when one’s life is threatened by another and served a purpose back in the time when we had to defend our territories and ourselves and mates from the intrusions of others. But nowadays, it’s not as important as it used to be. Please note, this is my opinion. Feel free to disagree.
You ask, “so are you angry?”
Well, of course, since I’m writing this blog on anger.
But I’ve come to realize something about myself: as much as I’ve thought of myself as a person who holds grudges and who is a spiteful when crossed, I now think differently. Really, how irrational is anger? It won’t change anything; it won’t allow you to go back in time to a point before, say, your ego was deflated, you were robbed, you were used, you were violated in some way, you were double-crossed, etc. I guess it allows for you to emote in some way, but don’t you think there are better and more productive ways to get out frustration?
I’m finding it difficult to hold onto anger, at least when it involves singled-out people (when I’m angry about generalized people, like people who don’t know how to freaking walk in a timely and courteous manner, it’s a different story). It takes too much effort and is really, when you think about it, stupid.
Get over it. Move on. That’s the best way to deal with it, I think. It’s so irrational and unproductive. Life…it just shouldn’t be taken that way.
Let it go. Just let it go.
I’m throwing a “September sucked” pity party! You’re all invited if you bring Cheez-Its!
No, I’m not in a bad mood today. In fact, for having a math test coming up on Thursday and a month ahead of me surging with projects, exams, and tests of my ability to stay on top of things, I’m in a pretty good mood. I simply felt that September, being one of the crappiest months of 2007 so far, deserved its own little blog.
A lot of crap happened this month.
I’m discovering that it’s impossible to trust some people from my past, and that some people from the present (not any of you readers, mind you) are just as difficult to trust.
I got my confidence kicked out from under me.
I can’t tell how I feel anymore.
My moods have been swinging faster than Mark McGuire on steroids (this is me pathetically trying to use humor to make this blog not so pitiful).
I learned not to feel content and secure about anything.
I did everything I could to correctly, but that apparently wasn’t enough.
Everything that fell apart this month seemed magnified, for no other reason than the fact that there was a convergence of the collapsing everything that was unstable falling apart on its own. It’s just been one 30-day long crazy-ass ride.
The sole constant this month has been my academic performance. I must say that I got very much needed confidence boosts from the tests I’ve had so far. I guess this proves that it’s the only thing I can rely on. I hope.
People are not to be readily trusted. This I knew, but it’s been magnified by this month’s happenings. So has my desire to be on my own.
So I will attempt in this upcoming October to make the best of my solitary, academia-driven life I’ve created for myself here on earth, because hell, I don’t want another September.
LOL EMO
I feel alone.
I need to yell.
The only thing you can truly rely on is yourself, you know? Just your own mind and your own thoughts. Everything else is unreliable, fleeting. People get tired, get bored, they leave, they move on to better things. Animals, too. Technology is variable and can work one day and crash the next. Nature can turn on you. In the end, all you’ve got is yourself.
Don’t judge me on the way I clothe myself. Until you can show me the statistical proof that all people who wear bright colors are either a) hippies, b) nonconformists, or c) stupid, shut the hell up.
I wish life were as it was a few weeks ago, two or three, maybe.
I’m still looking for whatever it is I’m missing, or whatever it is I lost. I’m unsure as to whether I’ve lost it or whether I’ve just realized I’d never possessed it. Maybe it’s something I have, something extra, that I need to get rid of. Whatever it is, I hate it.
What is worse, to never be able to be trusted or to never be able to trust?
All an emotion does is make you feel. All a feeling does is make you emotional. Both are irrational and should be trifled with as little as possible.
This blog makes little sense.
Trying to convince myself that without an absolute, I really CAN be fine…
I’ve realized something about the drag shows: everyone else goes there to unwind. I go there and plunge deeper into my thoughts. And tonight showed me something important: I’m a freaking train wreck.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I’ve figured out that I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t know myself as well as I thought I did. I can’t tell what I’m supposed to feel anymore—I can’t tell if I’m really happy or really sad, hence the rapid changes in my mood lately. I look at my life and think that there’s nothing to be sad about, but then two minutes later I look again and find that there’s no reason to be happy. I don’t know what to do. I’m not what I want to be. It feels like everything’s slowly falling apart around me. I don’t even know if I can rely on my performance at school this semester, because I’m not feeling too confident about it. Deep in my mind, I know that if I lose that, I lose everything. I can’t let go, but I so desperately want to.
I know I shouldn’t complain. I’m just rapidly losing sight of what I need. So what if I have a 4.0? So what if I have friends? So what if I can afford all the necessities of life? I’m not happy. At least, I don’t think I am. I don’t even know anymore.
I feel like I’m missing something, like there’s a gaping hole in my life somewhere that needs to be filled. It’s like a gnawing in the back of my mind or a scratching at my skin. I really need something; I need it desperately, right here and now. I just don’t know what it is. I can’t sit still I need it so badly. My mind is shooting in a thousand directions, trying to find what it is. I need to sit down and have a good conversation with someone. I need the answers. I need reassurance, even if it’s just a bunch of empty promises. I need to find the reasons for it all. I need someone to hug. I need to get out of my head for awhile and just be, but I know that’s impossible. I feel like I’m on a treadmill, running and running as fast as I can all the while knowing that I won’t be anywhere different when I’m done.
I’m trapped. I hate it. I almost wish I would fail, so then I could be free.
I want to start over.
I’m so sick of myself.
A blog
Hm. Well, I was going to post this today anyway, considering I almost brought it out in public last night at Denny’s. So I guess I’ll post it anyway, it doesn’t matter, does it?.
My private blog has now become public to those three of you on my preferred readers list. I hope this doesn’t backfire. If you have anything to say, I suggest you say it now.
The Shortstop in the Baguette (yeah, I’m running this joke into the ground)
Ugh. I’ve been having a rough time of it as of late. I don’t know why; nothing’s really changed since summer’s started. Maybe it’s a delayed reaction to the sudden shift from the last week of school to now. But I feel like crap. Thus, my blogs have been crap.
Apologies. I’ll probably be feeling fine in a day or two.
Eigenblogger 