The last three years of college have taught me that:

• the rubber from the Kibbie Dome field will stay embedded in your socks for eternity.
• they don’t call it “Wish You Were Dead Week” for nothing.
• the Dollar Store is a good place at which to lose money and gain worthless yet awesome crap with which to decorate the house/lawn/car.
• if you work your ass off, you can get a Bachelors in 2 ½ years.
• it doesn’t take much to ruin the movie 300 for your friends.
• marching band pretty much rocks.
• our upstairs neighbors are stupid.
• drag shows are awesome and lead to interesting stories.
• 1-800-BUTTSEX is a real number.
• Wallace sucks.
• the U of I in general sucks.
• no matter how many times you wash the floor, if you live in a room in Wallace, the sand from the sidewalks in winter will NEVER go away.
• the table in the Commons will keep you entertained. Forever.
• Kermit’s loins are soft and pants-shaped.
• Ren’s boobs are god.
• relationships are always better if they begin by making out in a random place.
• stereotypical philosophy teachers = sexy.
• I still can’t do algebra.
• the Enlightenment was the best time period ever.
• carving genetalia out of erasers actually does reduce the stress of a 25-credit semester.
• you shouldn’t take 25-credit semesters.
• GPA miracles DO happen.
• Dr. O’Rourke is badass.
• the Quote Book is law.
• weird things happen in multidimensional spaces (thanks, Dr. Lee).
• parties at Maggie’s are fun and often result in me wearing bras that don’t fit.
• Leibniz is the greatest person that has ever lived.
• Newton is a thief and a liar.
• we will never know if love is universal or not (long story).
• Rock Band is quite possibly the best thing ever.
• sometimes things just work out.
• Pink Pearls are valuable tools in keeping one’s sanity.
• leftover Flex Dollars will earn you friends as well as a huge bag of candy at the end of the semester.
• noodles with shredded cheese on them are the food of the gods.
• spaghetti is pretty awesome, too.
• college drama is even more ridiculous than high school drama.
• late night discussions with Sean over MSN Messenger are worth staying up until 4 AM, even when you have class at 8:30 the next morning.
• in heaven there is no beer. Thus explaining why we drink it here.
  
• Karmic debt can be repaid in worrying about how the universe will make you repay your karmic debt.
• I still suck at Flash.
• fall semesters are substantially worse for your morale than spring semesters.
• everybody needs an Orgy Couch.
• zeppelins are hilarious.
• midnight runs to Shari’s are made of win.
• Sean is not allowed to wear socks (another long story).
• clown music, funny as it may be, is not suitable for concert band.
• drawing naughty pictures is always an appropriate and productive activity, regardless of what you’re supposed to be doing at the time.
• the Clock Crew is my second family.
• finals = panic attacks.
• the progression from “box of random magnetic words” to “series of naughty phrases on the fridge” is a law of nature.
• Aaron is a robot killer.
• if you spend enough time there, the Ag Sci computer lab is like your home.
• there are few things funnier than Ballroom Blitz sung in a Scottish accent.
• Benny Lava requires a bun in order to be bitten.
• the Registrar is not to be trusted.
• apparently my dad is a good enough professor to warrant his own Facebook fan group.
• 1 + 1 = 1…in BOOOOOOOOLEAN ALGEBRA!!!!
• you should never underestimate the Papin brothers.
• mice families are hard to kill once they start to make babies in your microwave (again, a long story).
• milking he-brides is an appropriate concert band activity.
• so is doing the Macarana.
• working at the U of I is quite possibly the worst thing you can do to yourself.
• you are still forced to make collages in 300-level classes.
• you can make a “your mom” joke out of anything (e.g. “This milk is expired.” “So’s YOUR MOM!”).
• Soylent Glitter is people!
• math 143 can suck it.
• you can survive solely on instant mashed potatoes and M&Ms for at least 10 months.
• Symbolic Logic is scary as shit, but is totally worth it.
• islands sold on eBay make great conversation topics.
• Millard Fillmore = best president ever.
• I ON DA COLE TRAIN!!!!